Latest / LIVING WITHOUT FEAR / 151. Living Without Fear - Why You Feel Like the Problem (But You’re Not) | With Esther Buerki

Transcript

151. Living Without Fear - Why You Feel Like the Problem (But You’re Not) | With Esther Buerki · LIVING WITHOUT FEAR

• 0:01
  If you've ever walked away from a conversation feeling like you
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  are the problem, even though something inside you knows
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  you're not, this episode is for you.
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  There is something deeply human, something almost invisible, yet
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  so powerful. The need to feel seen, not
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  judged, not corrected, not fixed, just seen.
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  I'm still learning this even now.
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  Recently after conversation with my father, I sat there and I
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  felt like I was a teenager again.
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  Small, wrong, invisible. And what surprised me the most
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  was not what he said. It was how deeply familiar that
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  feeling was. And maybe you're listening to
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  this right now. And something inside of you
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  whispers, yes, that's what I've been missing.
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  If that's you, stay with me, because this episode is not
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  about me, it's about you. And if even one part of you
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  feels understood today, then this moment right here has
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  already done its work. I want to ask you something
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  gently. Have you ever shared something
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  honest, something real, and instead of being met with
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  understanding, you were made to feel like you were the problem?
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  Maybe you spoke up, maybe you expressed hurt, maybe you simply
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  reacted like any human would. And suddenly the story changed.
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  It was no longer something hurt me.
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  It became there's something wrong with me.
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  And if you've lived through this more than once, especially with
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  someone close to you, it doesn't.
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  It doesn't just pass. It shapes you.
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  It makes you question yourself. Did I overreact?
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  Am I too sensitive? Am I difficult?
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  But what if I told you something that might land softly but
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  steeply? Your reaction was never the
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  problem. It was often a healthy response
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  to pain. I remember so many moments
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  growing up where something hurt me and I've reacted sometimes
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  with sadness, sometimes with anger, sometimes I just
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  withdrew. And in the end, my reaction
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  became the problem. Not what happened, but me.
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  And I want you to just pause here for a moment.
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  Let that sink in, because maybe no one has ever said this to you
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  before. There are relationships,
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  especially within families, where a pattern quietly repeats
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  itself over years, even decades. Something happens, you feel
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  hurt, you respond, and then your response becomes the issue.
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  Not what was said, not what was done, but you.
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  And over time, something inside you begins to break.
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  Not loudly, but quietly, through doubt, you begin to disconnect
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  from your own truth. But here's the shift.
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  And this is where your power begins.
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  Awareness. The moment you start recognizing
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  the pattern is the moment you begin to step out of it.
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  Not perfectly, not all at once, but gently, consistently.
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  Because the truth is, even today, even as an adult, even
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  after all the inner work, you might still feel hurt sometimes.
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  You might still be triggered. And that does not mean you
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  failed. It means you're human.
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  What matters is not if it happens.
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  What matters is what do you do with it after?
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  Do you stay in the pain for days, replaying it over and
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  over? Or do you take a step back and
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  say, ah, I see it now, this is the pattern again.
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  And this happened again not long ago.
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  I've received a letter from my father and in it he said
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  something I never expected, that I was psychologically sick.
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  And for a moment it hits deeply, it hurt.
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  But then I took a step back and I saw it not as truth, but as
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  the pattern repeating itself. And in that moment, something
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  beautiful becomes possible. You turn toward yourself.
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  Instead of asking, what's wrong with me, you begin asking, what
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  do I need right now? And this is where healing
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  becomes very real, very simple, and very powerful.
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  You take care of the part of you that feels hurt.
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  Maybe you close your eyes and you imagine holding that younger
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  version of yourself, the one who just wanted to be loved, to be
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  understood, to be safe. And you speak to her softly,
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  kindly. I see you.
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  I feel you. You didn't deserve this.
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  And something inside you begins to exhale, because for the first
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  time you are no longer waiting for someone else to see you.
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  You are seeing yourself. And from this place you begin to
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  understand something else. Boundaries are not rejection,
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  they are protection. Maybe you start calling less,
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  maybe you step back a little, not out of anger, but out of
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  self respect. And yes, it might feel an
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  unfamiliar at first, even uncomfortable, because you were
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  never taught to do this. But growth often feels like that
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  in the beginning. Unnatural, strange, even wrong.
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  But it's not wrong. It's you.
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  And every time you choose yourself, even in a small way,
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  you are rewriting your story. You don't need to argue with
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  people who cannot see you. You don't need to prove your
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  truth to someone who isn't able to hear it.
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  And this is important. Sometimes the person who hurts
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  you is also deeply hurt themselves.
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  They are speaking from their own wounds, their own unmet needs,
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  their own past. When I speak to my father today,
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  I sometimes don't hear a strong man anymore.
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  I hear a hurt child, a man who never learned to say I'm sorry,
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  a man who carries his own pain but never learned how to face
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  it. And suddenly it makes sense.
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  Not OK, but understandable. And you can feel compassion for
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  that. But compassion does not mean
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  allowing yourself to be hurt again and again.
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  You are allowed to step back. You are allowed to protect your
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  heart, even and especially when it's someone very close to you.
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  And that's why I made the decision to step back a little,
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  to call less, to protect myself more.
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  And yes, sometimes I still feel guilty, but deep down I know
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  this is not rejection. This is love for myself.
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  So if you're listening to this and something inside you feels
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  tender, I want you to hear this clearly.
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  You are not too sensitive. You are not too much.
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  You are not the problem. Your feelings are valid, your
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  reactions make sense, and your longing to be seen is deeply
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  human. And maybe today, no one has
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  truly seen you yet. But right here, in this moment,
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  I want you to feel this. I see you, I feel you.
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  And in the most human, gentle way, I hold space for you.
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  And if this episode touch something inside of you, if you
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  feel like you're ready to go deeper, I want to offer you
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  something from my heart. Ioffer free one-on-one coaching
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  sessions. A space where you can be heard
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  without judgement, without being made wrong.
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  A space where you can reconnect with yourself and gently begin
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  to trust your own voice again. You don't have to walk this path
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  alone. And until next time, take care
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  of your heart, protect your light, and remember, the moment
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  you start seeing yourself, your whole world begins to change.