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Objects of Desire: The Narcissist-Porn Addiction Connection · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  How many nights have you laid next to someone that was
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  physically there like you? You could see them, you could
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  touch them, but it felt like mentally and emotionally, they
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  were 1000 miles away, 1,000,000 miles away, right?
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  Scrolling through the screen, scrolling through their phone,
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  just like not paying you any of it any attention.
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  Today we're talking about the big elephant in the room, the
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  narcissistic elephant porn and narcissism.
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  And I'm going to tell you straight up, for a narcissist
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  porn or corn, I was going to refer to it later on.
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  Isn't just a pastime, y'all, It's a preferred way of
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  interacting with humanity because it requires 00 empathy.
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  Bringing them intros back, Lee No, seriously, y'all know it's a
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  serious topic, but y'all know the intros.
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  I'm coming with some heat, right?
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  I'm coming with some heat. But seriously, y'all, let's get
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  right into it. Y'all porn reinforces like the
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  narcissistic worldview, like how we see the world, right?
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  In that world, in a narcissist world from me, like people don't
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  really have needs, right? They don't talk back.
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  In my world, people don't have needs, people don't talk back.
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  They always consistently validate you and they solely
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  exist. People, other people solely
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  exist for my pleasure. You see how that works for the
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  viewers pleasure when they finish watching, they close the
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  tab and that person ceases to exist.
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  That is the narcissist dream scenario for a relationship,
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  right? Just think about it.
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  The dream scenario for a narcissist is to be able to
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  close the screen and that person disappears.
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  Total control, no responsibility.
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  I know y'all said it right there, y'all.
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  I know it, I know it, I know, I know.
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  Think about it like this. They bring that energy back to
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  you like they start to treat. They start treating you like an
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  on demand service instead of a partner.
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  This is what corno or porno right does to aid the brain of a
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  narcissist. It makes them look at you
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  differently. It wires the brain differently,
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  so they take that porno, porno, whatever, right?
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  And they bring it to you. They take that mentality, they
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  take that online mentality. They don't don't and bring it to
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  you. That's how it goes right there.
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  Y'all, and I'm saying and you, if you were dealing with this,
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  you understand it. I know y'all hate it.
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  Y'all hate it 'cause so many people will try to come to me
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  when I'm talking to a one-on-one or whatever, right?
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  And they'll say like Lee, I just, I feel like the, the, the
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  porn is cheating. I feel like that's cheating.
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  The narcissist doesn't feel like he's cheating.
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  They feel like they're getting their needs met.
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  It makes them feel, makes you feel less than, doesn't it?
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  It makes you feel like less of a person makes you feel like less
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  of a reality for them. You know what I mean?
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  And that's what I guess that's what literally what goes on
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  y'all. They look at you as less than
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  you don't exist in my world anymore.
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  So they can use this to devalue you, right?
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  They use it to devalue you. So think about it like this as a
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  narcissist, real intimacy, real genuine connection is a job.
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  It's work, right? I got to work to get you.
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  I got to work to make you happy. I got to work, work, work, work.
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  Who's in the Beyoncé? Work, work, work, work, work.
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  I got to do all of that to get you, right?
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  I got to do so much. Like just think about it like
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  this. Real intimacy is work.
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  It's, and it can be terrifying. It can be scary because the
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  thing about it like this, you have feelings, you have bad
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  days, you require validation, you require me to be there for
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  you. There's so much emotional
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  energy. I don't have that all the time.
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  I told y'all before, I truly believe that most narcissists
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  have a lack of emotional capacity.
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  We don't have enough to go around, right?
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  So you require all of that, you require my time and for energy,
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  you require all of that, which I know is normal, but in the mind
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  of a narcissist, it's not normal.
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  You're you're too much. You know who doesn't require
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  that? A screen, Pornhub X videos,
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  whatever the folks are here watching nowadays, right?
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  It's just like that. Doesn't require any energy.
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  It just requires me. Oh, let me pull this up.
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  Let me handle it. Let me go in and out like
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  clockwork. You see how that works right
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  there? And that's how they use it to
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  devalue you, y'all? It really is.
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  Hey, a lot of times porn ends up being a form of lazy supply,
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  right? It's lazy supply.
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  I get the validation. I get a a quick high, high blast
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  of dopamine from this. And I get that without the risk
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  of rejection or the need for vulnerability.
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  Because real connection, real intimacy requires vulnerability.
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  I know it's just like sex don't require, I mean, sex doesn't
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  require intimacy, right? You know, but I got a husband, I
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  got a wife that requires vulnerability.
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  And I don't want to be vulnerable.
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  You know how vulnerable it takes to, to unzip my pants and, and
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  pull up a screen and set it up on a tripod or whatever, or on a
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  on a desk, whatever that requires none.
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  I don't got to do that. You know what I mean?
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  Yeah, the point of this video is not to make not for me to
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  devalue you. It's just give you the inside
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  look at the narcissist mind. And while a lot of times they
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  choose that over you, while you might be in the mood, you might
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  be over there with some lingerie on or banana bikini or whatever
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  you got to own banana hammock, whatever you got to own, right?
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  And they just seem disinterested in you because they are took
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  care of themselves, right. You see what I'm saying?
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  It's quick, porn is quick, it's accessible, you know, say why
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  just take my like this? Why would they put in the effort
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  to connect with you when they can get a cheaper version of
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  that in their phone in like 5-10, fifteen, 20 seconds, 30
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  seconds? Why would they put their effort
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  and energy in? And I'm not trying again, I'm
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  not trying to make it seem like you're not worth it because I
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  know people will hear me say that.
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  And just like, well, you said I'm not worth it.
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  No, I'm not saying you're not worth it.
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  The mind of a narcissist does a cost benefit analysis, right?
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  It's like the cost versus the benefit, OK, for real intimacy
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  with my partner, I have to the the cost is going to be my
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  vulnerability. It's going to be time, effort,
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  energy. And the benefit, yeah, I might
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  get some claps and cheeks, but versus the corner, the porn,
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  right cost 10152030 seconds, couple minutes if you if you
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  ain't ready, right, maybe some lotion, maybe a toy.
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  The benefit is the same thing. Weigh it, weigh it.
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  You know what I mean? Weigh it, weigh it sometimes.
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  And so like for you as a victim of this, it can feel like an
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  attack on you can't, doesn't it? Right.
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  Because a lot of times narcissists weaponize it.
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  They don't just watch it, they weaponize it against you.
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  Like if you bring up the lack of intimacy in my addiction, the
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  possible addiction that I do have.
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  What what, what do I say to you? You're insecure, you're jealous.
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  It's just a video. This isn't real.
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  What I what we have is real. This is the Internet.
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  This is pay, pay to play whatever it is.
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  You know, they just try to make it sound like you're insecure or
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  they'll try to make it seem like you something's wrong with you,
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  your body. You said that they'll make it
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  seem like it's your body. You just don't you don't turn me
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  on like it used to you games and weight you the Austin weight you
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  don't work like this is we've been together for 10/15/20
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  years. It's boring now, right?
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  I'm just using this to spice it up.
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  You should get over. Why don't you watch it?
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  They use it as a tool of evaluation to make you feel like
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  you're not worth it. And so many people, I've talked
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  to, so many people one-on-one over Zoom and whatnot, they'd be
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  crying about it. They cry about it because it
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  hurts. It sucks when your partner is
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  choosing this over you constantly.
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  And sometimes in the the the most egregious examples, they'll
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  be watching it in bed right beside you.
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  They'll turn you down and then they'll be watching in the bed.
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  Besides, you see the blanket bouncing up and down or you hear
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  a toy going on. You hear the vibration of a
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  toilet. You be able to try to sleep.
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  You sad. Like she just turned me down.
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  She said she wasn't in the mood and I was saying baby vibrate.
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  You pull the blanket back. Like what are you doing?
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  Seriously, This is not like y'all.
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  They're constantly making you feel like you have to compare
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  yourself between like real or like you being a real human
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  versus these dolled up actors or actresses.
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  And when all these toys, so many toys are getting, getting,
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  they're getting up, right, Right.
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  So this is what, like I said, it's not about you, man.
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  So many people blame themselves for this happening.
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  It's not about you. A lot of times they come into
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  the relationship with this addiction or with this choice
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  already they've been doing it. You know what I mean?
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  It's part of who they are. And you might have thought it
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  was OK at first. It might, you might not have
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  known, of course, right? But you might have thought it
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  was OK at first. But then you see it is actually
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  an addiction. You'd be like, well, it's not
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  everybody watching nowadays, not like this, not 567 times a day,
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  and you wonder why all the toilet paper in the house is
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  going like why all the toilet paper gone?
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  Why are they crushed their socks under the couch?
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  They just getting loose with it, right?
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  You know what I mean? They just get loose with it.
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  So it's not on y'all. It's not your fault.
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  It just isn't. Sometimes they make they would
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  absolutely try to blame it on you, right?
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  They'll try to put it on to you, make it seem like you're you
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  caused this, you gain too much weight, you're not attractive,
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  you don't turn me on, blah blah blah Boo Boo Boo right?
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  If you are in this situation, I'm serious.
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  You need to hear this. You personally cannot compete
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  with the dopamine addiction. Like you can't do that.
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  Stop trying to be perfect for this person.
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  Stop trying to be perfect enough.
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  Like stop trying to pull their attention away from a screen.
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  It's their inability to connect is is on them.
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  Their inability to to connect to you is on them.
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  That connect deficit is on them. It's not yours.
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  Stop taking accountability for something they are doing
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  themselves like they would do with or without you.
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  They were doing before you. There we do.
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  They would be doing it after you.
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  This is not something that you are in control of.
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  Like sometimes in the if, if in like sometimes you get the
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  sadistic narcissist right? That like seeing you in pain.
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  That's what the ones I said the the egregious examples of them
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  doing the right in bed beside you after they turned you down
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  or said that they weren't in the mood right after they done that.
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  They'll the egregious ones, the ones that want to hurt you will
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  do it right beside you will let you know that they're doing it.
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  You see the blankets bouncing up and down very quickly and you're
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  like, wait, what the hell going on?
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  And you see what them doing over there, right?
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  You see that? You see that you see that
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  they're doing it behind the scenes.
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  So it's not you, man. It really is not you.
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  Like if this is destroying your self esteem, you need to start
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  rebuilding it today. Like work on yourself.
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  Regardless of like say you looking better, feeling better
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  might not turn him on, but it's going to make you feel better
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  and look better. It's going to make, it's going
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  to give you yourself confidence back because you know, one of
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  the main things that go that leaves in a toxic relationship
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  with the narcissist is yourself confidence.
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  You lose that, that disappears, that goes away because they
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  attack it constantly, consistently.
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  They're always going after it, always going after, they're
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  always attacking you, making you feel like you're less than.
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  This is what goes on right here, man.
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  This is why it's so important for y'all to keep working on
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  yourself. It's so important for y'all to
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  keep hammering away and doing the work.
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  Like understanding that you're not in competition with these
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  screens with these mattress actresses or actors or whatever
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  the case may be, right? You're not into competition with
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  them, even though you might feel like it.
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  They are not your competition. You can't control the brain of a
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  narcissist, right? And sometimes, like if you, and
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  the crazy thing about it is when you start withdrawing from them
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  and stop asking them or begging them to do it with you, they'll
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  turn around and start trying to do it with you, right?
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  Because they feel like you're pulling the way they might start
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  feel like you're cheating on them or you're watching it.
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  You know what I mean? They might start trying to
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  compare and contrast to make it seem like it's your fault.
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  Now you're watching corn. You're doing this, you're doing
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  that, blah blah blah, Boo Boo Boo PB y'all see how it goes
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  right there. The steps man, it's the steps
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  you have to take. It's the work you have to put in
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  man. Realistically, you know what I
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  mean. If you need help working on
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  yourself, love working on self-confidence.
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  Y'all do know I got myself love journal that is available on
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  Amazon. Lee, it's called I love me a
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  self love journal. It helps you work on yourself.
• 12:30
  You can look up self love journal or I love me by Lee
• 12:33
  Hammock on Amazon or you can find a link in the description
• 12:35
  of every video and podcast that I do.
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  Make sure y'all hit the subscribe button if you haven't
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  already like like leave a comment if your partner is
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  addicted to this and if you've been blaming yourself for their
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  addiction or if they blamed you for their addiction, that
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  dopamine addiction, their click through they click rate whatever
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  they've been blaming you ma'am. Anyways y'all I appreciate you,
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  love y'all, grateful for y'all. Be safe, I'm out.
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  Peace.