Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Before They Move Out, Teach Your Teen These 7 Life Skills

Transcript

Before They Move Out, Teach Your Teen These 7 Life Skills · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Kylie, you and I have three adult kids. They've moved
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: out of home. Well, I say they've moved out of home.
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hasn't quite worked out like that.
• 0:07
  Speaker 2: I was going to say, which three kids are you
• 0:08
  Speaker 2: talking about?
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: One is back, another is returning in a little bit
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: over a month. So we're going to have five kids
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: in the house again. Not sure how that's going to work.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: As well as that, We've got an eighteen year older
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: teen and a tween and sometimes I look at them
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: and I hope they're not listening to what I'm about
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: to say. I wonder if we could have done more
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: to get them ready for the realities of independent living.
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: I mean, life is the ultimate teacher, and once you
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: move out, you just start to figure stuff out. But
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: every now and again, I feel like there's real value
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: in building some foundational skills while children are still at home,
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: where mistakes are safe and where that little bit of
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: extra guidance is available. Today, we're going to knock out
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: seven life skills that every parent needs to teach their
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: team and help them a master before they leave home.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: Stay with us. Hello. This is The Happy Family's podcast,
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: Real Parenting Solutions, every day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast,
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: where Justin and Kylie Coulson. Kylie, I don't know if
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: it's solutions today or just ideas, reminders and a little
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: bit of a rod for parents' backs. Our job is
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: to equip our children so that we become redundant. They
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: can move out and get through life. Okay. And I
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: keep on hearing stories about kids that move out but
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: can't do anything for themselves. Apparently kids are just not
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: that resilient. I think we're being unfair to our kids.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: I remember when I was young, like when I was
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: a kid and I was at my grandma's house and
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: my uncle, who had moved out three years ago and
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: only lived in the next suburb, was still bringing his
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: washing home. Really, man, Yeah, Uncle Rob used to bring
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: his washing home to Nan once or twice a week
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: so that the washing could be done.
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: But was that as much about Uncle Rob not knowing
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: how to do it, or was it more about Nan
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: needing to feel wanted, or.
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: Maybe it was even just a sign of the times,
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: like it was the late seventies early eighties and men
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: went off to work and women did the washing, and
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: he didn't have a woman at home. I don't know.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: I mean, it sounds dreadful saying it like that, and
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: I don't think that he would even agree with that now.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: But no, but even sitcoms.
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: That I would watch today, dramas, stories and stuff, have
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: the sons come home with their washing.
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: It's so bizarre, isn't it.
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, So, I mean we're in modern times and that's
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: still being portrayed.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: I just want to put it out there. I never
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: took my washing home to mum. I was living in
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: a state when I moved out of home, but I
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: never took my washing home to mum.
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: But I also think about I guess the amount of
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: contribution you made in your family home growing up about
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: zero compared to what you do now. And so it
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: wasn't that you.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: Hundred percent you didn't know. Sorry, I'm not saying I
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: do one hundred percent now, I'm saying one hundred percent.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: I agree with you.
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: It's not that you didn't know how to. It's that
• 2:54
  Speaker 2: you didn't need to or didn't want to. There was
• 2:56
  Speaker 2: no motivation. Once you're in your own space, that changes.
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: And I've noticed that with our eldest daughter, she would
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: bark every time I would ask her to do something
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: in our house, but in her own space, she's brilliant.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah, she.
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: Doesn't keep house the way I do. But that doesn't
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: mean it's not right.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: Let's kick on with the seven life skills that every
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: team should master before they leave home. I'm going to
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: kick us off with getting organized and being productive. Now,
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: as you've just said, in some ways, you just do it.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: Like once you move out, you realize you are responsible.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: No one else is going to shake you awake. You
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: have to set the alarm, you have to get out
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: of bed, you have to get to work on time,
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: you have to do stuff. But the ability to manage yourself,
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: prioritize tasks, create systems that work, be productive, meet your responsibilities.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: That is something that as parents we have a responsibility
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: to teach and model.
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: Well, I want to take that a little bit further.
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: You're talking about this idea of getting organized, I actually
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: think this encompasses taking care of house keeping house. There
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: is nothing worse. Only there is nothing worse than walking
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: into somebody else's bathroom and being met with a toilet
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: that has never been scrubbed, or your hair all over
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: the floor. Like those little things make a huge difference
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: to the way other people not only view you, but
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: feel how you.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: Feel when you're Like, I used to be a furniture
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: removal so that's how I paid for myself and our
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: family to survive while I was doing my university. Great
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: is one of them, and I remember going into some
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: people's homes and thinking, literally, these people have never cleaned.
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: They don't know what cleaning is. And do I sound
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: a little bit snobby here?
• 4:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, and I'm standing by it. You've got to know
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: how to look after that. And that ties in with
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: a second one that I was going to highlight, which
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: is maintaining basic health and hygiene routines. You've got to
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: know how to brush your teeth twice a day, how
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: to floss, have a shower, had a shower and use
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: the odor it, Oh my goodness, and how to recognize
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: when you need to see a doctor, and how to
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: keep yourself clean and healthy. These are basic skills that
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: unfortunately are lacking in some young people, and they always
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: probably have and they probably always will, and it's probably
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: only minority, but I think it's worth highlighting get organized,
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: be productive, and maintain basic health and hygiene routines.
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: What else have you gone on the list?
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: So this is one that I wrote down as a
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: result of our conversation recently with our twenty two year
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: old daughter. You're topping her, yeah, I am, and I'm
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: hoping she's not listening to her pod. But I asked
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: her what she was going to cook for dinner since
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: you and I were out, and she told me, and
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: it was the same thing that she cooked last time
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: you and I were out, And I said, can't you
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: cook anything else, to which she replied no, Well, actually
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: she replied yes, and she gave me two other options,
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: but she moved out and lived away from home for
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: eighteen months. And on my list, I have to be
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: able to cook at least three basic meals, and then
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: in brackets, I wrote two minute noodles is not a
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: life skill, so I can move.
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: When I was fair young, a friend of mine introduced
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: me to spaghetti, onion and cheese, and that was my
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: first meal I ever cooked. I would come home after
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: church on a Sunday, I would get a can of spaghetti.
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: I would fry up some onion and then I would
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: put the spaghetti in there and add extra cheese. Delicious.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: That sounds disgusting. But I remember when we met, I
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: cooked dinner for you the first time. I think we
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: were already married, and I cooked dinner, and I was
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: very excited to I fried up some onion and some
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: diced steak, and then I added some pasta sauce and
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: I put it on some pasta, and I was so
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: proud of myself. I felt like it was my masterpiece,
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: my bisy resistance. And you mocked me hellishly. You're like,
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: I can't believe you're feeding me this.
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: I never had second pasta in my life.
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: Yeah. One of my flatmates when I was younger, had
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: cooked that. That was his specialty, and I just thought
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: this was a great meal. I thought it was brilliant.
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: I'm getting everything I need all right after the break.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: I've got a couple of other things that your kids
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: need to know. Life skills that every team must master
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: before they leave home. On the Happy Families Podcast. Okay, Kylie,
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: we are going to kick on with some more life
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: skills that every team should master before they leave home.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: Next one, A little bit, A little bit involved, a
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: little bit complex, and something that kids hate doing today.
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: Once upon a time, kids were really happy to pick
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: up the phone and make a phone call to somebody
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: and just deal with stuff today not so much. Can
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: I please do it online? Can I please not engage
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: with anybody? I think that this stuff can be done online,
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: although sometimes you do need to talk to others. But
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: it's research and make informed decisions. So whether you're choosing insurance,
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: or whether you've got a couple of job offers, or
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: you're trying to work out what you're going to study
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: at university, sometimes you've just got to talk to people,
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: or at least get on the interwebs. Sorry, I'm sounding
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: like I just wanted to say intertwebsite could sound boomerash
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: because I'm giving young people a hard time here. But
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: the ability to figure out what what is the best
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: choice right now? I need to buy a new washing machine,
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: or I'm looking at getting a new car. How do
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: I make this decision? Ideally, they'll do it with our input.
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: I was about to say, while this is important, I
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: mean it's imperative to being able to kind of function
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: as an adult in life without the appropriate scaffolding. This
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: is a really daunting task for any emerging adult, and
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: I think that it's really important that as parents we
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: actually step them through the process so that they feel
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: equipped to be able to make the decisions. I remember
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: when I turned eighteen and I had to make some
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: of these decisions. I was kind of just told, you're
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: old enough, now you go and do it. Yeah, And
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: I had no idea what I was doing sink or
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: swim ban. I had no idea what questions I needed
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: to ask, And so I would make calls and get
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: the information I thought was important and then get off
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: the phone and find out that I hadn't asked any
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: of the.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: Constructs that were important that have to ring back.
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: So while it is about holding their hand a little bit,
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: it really is more about preparing them so that they
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: actually know what to do in those moments.
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah. And a lot of these things you don't have
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: to do very often, Like you buy a car, so
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: what do I do about transferring registration?
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: Or how do I do my taxes? Yeah? Yeah, yeah.
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: Too often as parents we just kind of take it
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: on board because it's like it's easier than having to
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: go through the process of helping them understand the process.
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: I just thought you could when it's time for my
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: bile phone plan, you could have them involved in the
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: selection of the appropriate plan. They can see how much
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: it costs, they can weigh up one plan against another.
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: There's some complexity in that, and that gives them a
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: sense of how you research and make these decisions. Okay,
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: that leads into managing money and understanding basic budgeting. Kids, know,
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: they a lot of adults struggle with this. We've done
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: a lot of podcasts recently on managing money but being
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: able to track spending safe for goals, avoid debt traps.
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: Know how many subscriptions you've got to Netflix and Stand
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: and Binge and on Prime and whatever else is going
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: on there. This is a really big one, and unfortunately,
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: I think that too many kids are finding themselves in
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: some money traps money challenges because they don't understand basic budgeting.
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: This is really intriguing to me. We have one child
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: whose salary sacrifices every week of her own free will
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: in an effort to reach financial.
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: Goals substantially, and then she complains that she has no
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: money every week.
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: But then we have another child who literally has no
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: money every week.
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: But he's living her best life.
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: And we've taught them both the same things.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and we've also worked with plenty of young people
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: who are drowning in debt, who have made a lot
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: of decisions, often with very good intentions, sometimes not so much.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: And it really hurts when you see somebody young who's
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: got debt up to their eyeballs and they're only twenty
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: two or twenty six. It's pretty it's pretty intense.
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: What has surprised me in some of the conversations I've
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: had in recent times the amount of kids who are
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: in debt in an effort to support other family members
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: right more mature than them in age, whether it be
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: parents or older siblings. And I just feel like, while
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: it's such a beautiful quality to want to assist and
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: help people, when it comes at the detriment of your
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: capacity to do.
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: Life, Yeah, it's upside down.
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: It really is upside down.
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And I said that with compassion. I don't say
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: that with the judgment. It's frustrating for the child who's
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: in debt. It's also frustrating, I'm sure for the other
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: adults that they're trying to support. But I believe that
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: as adults we have a responsibility to make sure that
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: our children are not supporting us.
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: We've got to not encumbered by our financial decisions.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: Having said that sometimes life throws curve balls at you,
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: and there's plenty of plenty of stories of really great
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: kids who have gone out of their way to support
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: other family members and even their parents, and it's made
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: all the difference. So I'm not making this a blanket rule,
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: nor am I asking judgment. I just I think that
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: in an ideal world, most adults would agree that the
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: kids shouldn't be supporting the family. Instead the parents are
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: supposed to support the family. All right, I want to
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: talk about two emotional ones. They kind of tie in together,
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: and our time is up, so we're going to do
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: this one reasonably briefly. We need to be able to
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: regulate emotions. Sorry, our children need to be able to
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: regulate emotions. You're looking at me like, I know plenty
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: of adults who can't do it themselves. Modeling matters and
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: being able to navigate conflict constructively. So whether it's disagreeing
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: with somebody without destroying a relationship, not running home because
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: I've had a fight with my boyfriend or my girlfriend
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: or my husband or wife, or knowing how to send
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: an email to a boss who's doing something that there's
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: a disagreement about, being able to regulate your emotions, navigate
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: conflict constructively. I think these are life skills that every team,
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: if not masters, should at least be able to be
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: thoughtful about and be developing their competence in when they
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: leave home and start to get on with life. It's
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: just inappropriate when a child is having a hard time
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: at work and they say, oh, I need to call
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: my mum. Do you know what I mean? But if
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: your child is old enough to work, then they should
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: be old enough to navigate these challenges on their own.
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: I think also the acknowledgment is when our kids are
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: having relationship trouble, specifically with significant others, that our job
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: is to listen and support, but I think far too
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: often we get involved.
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah, there's a line that I've got in relationship rules,
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: take the ride, not the wheel.
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah. To scaffold and build healthy relationships, it requires us
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: to actually push them back in the right direction. Yeah.
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: In fact, I just want to make a really clear
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: point here these seven things on this list. It's not
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: about your child being completely independent. It's not about you saying, well,
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: you're an adult, now you've left home, you should be
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: able to do this on your own. We're always going
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: to be there for them. We're always going to be
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: able to support them, but it's about them knowing how
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: to get these things going. Certainly, we're not going to
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: be rubbing deodorant under their armpits and brushing their teeth anymore,
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: and that goes without saying.
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: But you could buy them floss.
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: Yes, you could give them a Willy's voucher and say
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: go buy some hygiene products. The goal isn't to send
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: them out perfect, it's to send them out capable and
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: make ourselves redundant in the process. That's the beauty of
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: being a parent. One day, you're just not needed for
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: anything except who you are, and that's what we're trying
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: to work towards. We really hope that there's been some
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: inspo and some fun ideas in what we've shared. If
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: you think that somebody you know would lead a happier
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: family life because of this episode, we'd love for you
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: to share it with others. Just click that share button
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: passed along. It takes about twenty seconds and it could
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: make somebody else happier. Plus it helps other people discover
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: the pod and make their family thrive. The Happy Families
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: podcast is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. Mimhammonds
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: provides research, admin and other support, and if you'd like
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: more information and resources, please visit us at happy families
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: dot com dot au