Latest / (re)Parenting Radio / 47: Why Family Still Triggers You (And How to Handle It)

Transcript

47: Why Family Still Triggers You (And How to Handle It) · (re)Parenting Radio

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reparenting Radio.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Lisa Watson, architect of human transformation.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: This is a space for leaders, parents, and anyone ready to break old patterns, regulate their nervous system, and show up in their life with clarity and self-trust.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: If you're ready to change the way you lead, love, and live, you're in the right place.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Let's begin.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Hey friends, welcome back to Reparenting Radio.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: As this episode comes out, I am going to be traveling back from Illinois, and it made me think back to episode 13, which I released just before Thanksgiving, where I shared some practical tips for navigating family gatherings without getting pulled into your old dynamics.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, walking away with yourself intact.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: And in that episode, we talked about triggers, boundaries, um, sacred silence, and staying grounded when you're surrounded by people who know exactly how to push your buttons.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: So if you haven't listened to that episode, I definitely recommend it because I think these two conversations really go beautifully together.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: But the last few months, something has shifted in me because my own understanding of patterns and human behavior has continued to deepen and broaden.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: But today, I don't want to talk about how to survive family gatherings with your authenticity intact, although that is very important.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: But I want to talk about how family gatherings are one of the greatest opportunities we have for self-awareness.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because whether you're spending time with your own family or your spouse's family, or your partner's family, I don't know, even old friends or people that you've known for decades, something fascinating happens.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: Patterns begin to surface.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: And that's because every relationship has patterns.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Every family has patterns, every workplace, every friendship, every relationship becomes its own little ecosystem.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: There are spoken rules, there are unspoken rules, expectations, roles, habits, things we don't even talk about, but we know.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Ways of communicating, ways of avoiding communication.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: And without even realizing it, we often begin adapting to those environments.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: Not because we're we're weak or we're fake in any way, and maybe we are faking it just a little, but because our nervous systems are incredibly intelligent and they're constantly scanning our surroundings, asking, how do I stay emotionally safe here?
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: And depending on the environment, your answer may look completely different.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe at work you're completely confident, and at home you're quiet.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe with one sibling you're kind of funny, and with another sibling you're just careful and guarded.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe around your parents you become 12 years old again, and around your spouse's family, you become overly helpful.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you become invisible.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever noticed that?
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel like a completely different version of yourself depending on who you're with.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: And it isn't because you have multiple personalities, it's because different environments activate different subconscious patterns.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: And those patterns, they're not the problem.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: They're simply information.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, that's probably one of the biggest shifts that happened in my own life over the last decade is that I stopped judging my reactions and I started studying them.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: And let me tell you, it took a lot of practice, a lot of practice that every time that thought of judgment came up, I had to replace it with compassion and love.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: And over the years, I have finally gotten my brain to go to compassion and love first.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: So instead of asking, why am I doing this or what is wrong with me, I started asking, what is this showing me?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because every reaction, every uncomfortable feeling, every emotional charge is carrying information.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Information about something your nervous system learned long ago.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the things that I say all the time, you hear me every day on one minute awareness, I'm saying it.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: If you haven't listened to my little thing on TikTok and YouTube yet, one minute awareness, you're not broken, you're patterned, and patterns can be changed.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: But before we can change them, we have to notice them.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: So awareness always comes first.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why I actually get excited when I notice an old pattern in myself showing up.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Not because I enjoy feeling uncomfortable, but because awareness means I have another opportunity to practice something different now.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: I have awareness over behavior that I don't necessarily want to keep.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to shame myself anymore, I don't have to beat myself up, I don't have to think oh I should be over this by now.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: And believe me, I've done that looping thought over and over for many, many, many years.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I know so many of us do because it's what we were programmed to hear when we were little.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: You should be over this by now.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: Hurry up and feel better, right?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: So now I just simply become curious.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I think, oh that's interesting.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Why did that comment affect me so much?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Hmm, why do I suddenly feel like I have to explain myself?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's interesting.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Why do I feel responsible for making sure everyone's okay?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: And why did I just get up real quickly?
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Why am I biting my nails or twitching my fingers?
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: What am I nervous about?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Curiosity has become one of my greatest healing tools because curiosity creates space.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: Judgment creates shame, and shame almost always sends us right back into the very pattern that we're trying to change.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's how we re-anchor our patterns back into our field and continue to stay in those loops.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: And the fact is, family doesn't create your patterns.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's not true, because originally that subconscious programming around your family, those dynamics, they were the majority of the reason why you have the patterns.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: But now as an adult, as you go back, what those patterns are revealing to you is the juicy part.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because your family, the triggers, the uncomfortableness, that now is revealing the very patterns that you hold.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I love that perspective because it completely changes the conversation.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: My family makes me anxious, my family makes me feel guilty.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: My brother always pushes my buttons, uh, and my father-in-law, he makes me feel so uncomfortable.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: But instead, what if we look at it a little bit differently?
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: What if we look at it as those relationships simply revealing the pattern that already existed within us, without having to blame anyone for the pattern, or judge anyone, or even trace the pattern back and figure out how we got it.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Just the recognition of it alone.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's our pattern.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: So it doesn't really matter how it got there at the end of the day.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's the awareness that it is there and what are we going to do moving forward.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's the information that helps us.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because those patterns, they once served a purpose.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: They kept us safe.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: They kept us feeling emotionally connected when we were small.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: But these patterns, they're now asking for our awareness.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: And family reveals the parts of our inner child that are still asking for our attention.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: Think about that for a minute.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe your inner child still believes that they have to earn approval.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they learn to stay quiet to avoid conflict.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they learn to be the caretaker or the peacemaker or the entertainer, the overachiever.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they became the one who never asked for help.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Those patterns they don't disappear simply because we become adults.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: They often wait quietly underneath the surface until a familiar environment brings them back into view because your subconscious recognizes familiar emotional territory.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly without even thinking, you're rehearsing an old role.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: The goal isn't to avoid family gatherings necessarily, unless the trauma's just a little too great and that's all good.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: I think the goal is to become conscious while you're in these family gatherings.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because awareness is where everything begins.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: And awareness gives you something you didn't have as a child.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: It gives you choice.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where I want to pause for a second because I think this next idea might be one of the most important things that I have learned over the last, well, I'll say the last decade, but I'm going to say in my life for real.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Patterns aren't the problem, they're information.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Triggers aren't the problem, they're information.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Emotions aren't the problem, they're information.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: What you choose to do with that information is your choice.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because what you practice next will become your future pattern.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: You may want to rewind that and listen to that again.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're thinking anything like me, you might be thinking, okay, Lisa, I noticed the pattern.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now what?
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Because awareness is wonderful, but it's not the finish line.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: And once you notice the pattern, you know now you get to make a different choice.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: And that choice, it doesn't have to be dramatic.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be confrontational.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't have to be a speech at the dinner table.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: And it certainly doesn't have to involve changing anyone or anything else.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is letting other people be exactly who they are.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Think about it.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: How much of our suffering comes from trying to change people who aren't asking to change?
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: I spent twenty-eight years focusing on changing my ex-husband.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: And it took me twenty-eight years to realize I couldn't.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: And that I just had to change myself.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: And trying to get someone to understand us, trying to convince someone to see our perspective or to apologize, trying to get someone to become who we wish they would be is impossible, really.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's not sustainable.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: It's kind of a pipe dream.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: I used to spend so much energy doing that, and I wanted people to understand, I wanted them to see what I had learned, I wanted them to heal with me.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: Now I don't.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: And not because I don't care, but because I've realized that everyone is living inside the reality that their own subconscious has created.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: They're seeing life through their own patterns just like I am or was, you know, looking through the old patterns that I've that I've changed.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: My job now isn't to wake anybody else up.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's just for me to stay awake and conscious.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: And that that has changed everything because now instead of trying to manage everyone else's emotions, I simply manage my own nervous system.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the things that I've noticed is that when people spend time with family, is that they walk into the house already preparing.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: I've witnessed it in my own self.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: You're already preparing to be misunderstood.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: You're already preparing to be criticized or to have to defend yourself or to be left out or to be judged.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: You've already preparing yourself to be the one that has to keep the peace.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: And isn't that interesting?
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: The event hasn't even happened yet, but the body's already rehearsing it.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: Because the subconscious mind, it loves prediction, it loves familiarity, it wants certainty, even if that certainty isn't pleasant.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've had the same family experiences for 20, 30, 40 years, your nervous system expects a 21st version of the same experience, whatever that may be.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's why awareness matters so much.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because awareness interrupts prediction.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: And then you suddenly realize, oh, I'm preparing for something that hasn't even happened yet.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: Hmm, that's information.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: We're not beating ourselves up about those thoughts.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: We're just recognizing them.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, I don't need to scenario think this.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, I don't need to already make this a reality.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just gonna go in and do the best that I know how.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: Authenticity intact, I'm gonna learn a little bit more about myself here.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's one way of changing our perspective.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't have to believe every prediction your nervous system makes.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: You can simply acknowledge it.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: You just choose.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe this weekend, instead of walking into a room expecting criticism, you just practice curiosity.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of expecting conflict, maybe you just practice presence.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_00: Stillness.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: And instead of preparing for your defense, maybe you just practice listening to it.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: And instead of trying to prove yourself, you just practice being yourself.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: And notice I keep using the word practice because healing isn't a single decision, it's repetition.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: Every family gathering becomes another opportunity to rehearse the version of yourself that you're becoming.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Not the version that you had to become to survive and feel safe, but the version that you're consciously choosing today.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I don't really think that healing happens in isolation.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's wonderful to journal, it's wonderful to meditate, listen to podcasts, read books, go to therapy, talk to a coach, all of those things are great.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: But eventually you've got to do what I call real-time healing.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: Life gives you an opportunity to practice, and that's where the real integration happens.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's not typically while you're sitting alone with your journal or while your brother interrupts you.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: But when your brother interrupts you, or your mother asks the same question for the tenth time, or your father-in-law tells the same story you've heard for a hundred times.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's the dad jokes.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: Or someone makes a comment that a year ago would have completely ruined your day, but now you just notice it and you smile, you take a breath, and you just choose something different.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's one of the most beautiful things about this work is that people often ask me, so how long did it take you to heal?
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I am not healed yet.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm evolving.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm and and healing is the wrong word.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: To me, it's just like I'm not healing, I'm just reprogramming myself.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: I was never broken.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: There's nothing to heal.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: There's just patterns to change.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: And triggers have helped me to change those patterns real fast.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think that healing is really how quickly you recognize what's happening.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: And to me, healing is really only awareness.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: You catch yourself.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: You smile, maybe you even laugh a little.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I see it now.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: There's my people pleasing.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: Hmm.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, look what I just did.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: There was my need for approval.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: Huh.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: Look at me.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: I am acting like I'm afraid of disappointing anyone.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: Or dang, I just totally overexplained that.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: Or why am I apologizing?
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: And we just notice these things about ourselves.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: They become interesting, not shameful, just interesting.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: And that little change in perspective can change everything because once you've observed the pattern, you're no longer unconsciously living the pattern.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: You're already creating space between you and the program.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: That, my friend, is freedom.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe not complete freedom, but the beginning of it.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, one of the reasons that I love talking about patterns instead of personalities is because personalities, they feel permanent.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: Patterns, they feel changeable.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: So if I tell myself this is just who I am, there's nowhere to go from there.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: But if I say, oh, this is just a pattern that I learned, now there's hope.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because patterns can be rewritten.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe not overnight or perfectly, but one repetition at a time.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: Which brings me back to where we started.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: This weekend, while I'm spending time with my husband's family, I'm making myself one promise.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not going there to analyze anyone, to fix anyone.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not going there to prove anything that I've healed or any of my reactions.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just going to observe, to notice, to stay curious, and to enjoy the people around me.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, I've been practicing this so long I'm sort of just numb to anything because I do my best to just live in the now moment and enjoy the gifts of the now moment while I am focusing on my own authenticity and nervous system regulation.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: If things start dysregulating me in a family environment, my priority becomes me and regulating me.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: Not, oh, if I leave the room or go for a walk right now, somebody might be offended.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: That is just not on my radar.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: I allow people to manage their own emotions, and I manage my own emotions.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: And it feels like a much happier environment since I've been doing that.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe you're heading to a family reunion this summer.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're visiting parents or friends, or maybe your kids are coming home or just spending the weekend with you, or you're maybe you're spending the weekend with your in-laws like I am, or maybe you're meeting up with some old friends that you've known your whole life or from college.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: And here's my invitation.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: Don't measure the success of the trip, the weekend, whatever it is, by whether you got triggered or not.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: Measure it by how quickly you noticed.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because awareness always comes before change.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: Patterns are not the problem, they're information.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: Triggers are not the problem, they're information.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: And the same with emotions, they're also not the problem.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: They're simply information.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: And what you choose to do with that information is your choice.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because what you practice next will become your future pattern.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: Remember that.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: And this week, I want you to become fascinated by yourself.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: Notice your reactions, notice your thoughts, notice your body language, your expectations, and not with criticism, but with compassion.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because your nervous system is not trying to embarrass you or make things hard on you.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's actually trying to inform you of what your patterns are and where your comfort level actually is.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's showing you exactly where your attention is needed next.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: And family has a way of bringing out our inner child.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: But maybe just maybe.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's one of the greatest gifts that family can give us in our adult lives.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because family reveals the parts of our inner child that are still asking for our attention.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: And once we see them, we finally have the opportunity to respond differently.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: And that is a gift.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for spending this time with me.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: And if this episode resonated with you, I'd love for you to share it with someone who's spending time with their family this summer.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_00: I also love when you send me questions and comments, tell me about how this has shown up in your life or if you're using it at all.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: And if you haven't listened to episode 13 yet, please go back and give that a listen too.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: It pairs beautifully with today's conversation and it also offers some practical tools for navigating family dynamics with greater awareness and peace.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: So until next time, keep getting curious, keep becoming aware, and remember, you are not broken.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: You're patterned, and patterns can be changed.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Reparenting Radio.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: If today's conversation supported you, take a moment to subscribe, leave a review, or share it with someone who knows they were made for more than the patterns that they inherited.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: If you're ready for serious inner work and real transformation, personally or professionally, you can explore my leadership pathways at Lisa-Watson.com.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're raising little ones alongside your own healing, you'll find my children's books at awakenthe.org.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, stay grounded, stay open, and keep reparenting the parts of you that are ready to come home to their authenticity.