Latest / You Didn't Ask For This / 18 | Objectifying Bagels

Transcript

18 | Objectifying Bagels · You Didn't Ask For This

• 0:00
  Matt: Is that a new desk chair?
• 0:02
  Eric: Oh my friend.
• 0:03
  Eric: Oh, oh my friend.
• 0:05
  Eric: Is it a new desk chair?
• 0:06
  Eric: Yes.
• 0:07
  Eric: Uh this is the um Office Depot brand 12,000 series with lower back support.
• 0:18
  Matt: Gotta have it, baby.
• 0:19
  Eric: Oh, dude.
• 0:19
  Eric: It is like dear listeners.
• 0:22
  Eric: Um and Matt, I've had the same.
• 0:27
  Eric: You you come on in, come on in.
• 0:29
  Eric: You I've had the same office chair for 15 years.
• 0:35
  Eric: Like it's been cast down.
• 0:38
  Matt: No, you and you knew you were wrong to do that.
• 0:41
  Eric: Oh, wow.
• 0:42
  Eric: Every time I come down here, and it had gotten so bad the the the the the butt seat had deteriorated to such a point that I had like a couch cushion that was serving as the seat.
• 0:54
  Eric: It was bad.
• 0:54
  Matt: It was bad.
• 0:55
  Matt: If you need to bring in uh unless it's back support specific, I make an exception for that.
• 1:01
  Matt: If you need to bring in uh you know third-party cushioning because your chair has deteriorated.
• 1:08
  Matt: So you need a new chair.
• 1:09
  Matt: I need a new chair.
• 1:11
  Matt: Yeah, it was uh man.
• 1:13
  Matt: I'm not in it right now here in the pod pod, of course, but in um for the last like year and a half or so I I have had a much better back uh chair than I have had previously.
• 1:25
  Matt: And I and it surprises most people where it's from.
• 1:28
  Matt: It's from IKEA.
• 1:30
  Matt: And I forget its funny Swedish name, but it is uh it is probably if you just go to IKEA and and I Google internal Google.
• 1:43
  Matt: I love that Google is just synonymous with search now.
• 1:45
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:46
  Matt: But if you go if you go to IKEA and search for desk chair and sort by most expensive, least expensive, it's gonna be probably the most expensive one.
• 1:54
  Matt: And it's still only probably it was like 150 or something.
• 1:56
  Eric: I was about to say there's expensive and then there's IKEA expensive.
• 1:59
  Eric: And that's not a dig.
• 2:00
  Eric: It's just like it's like how if I take$20 to 7-Eleven, I am a king.
• 2:05
  Eric: Sure.
• 2:06
  Matt: Yeah, yeah, but but here's the the deal though.
• 2:08
  Matt: Uh and this is where I get I get very defensive about IKEA a little bit because most of my furniture is IKEA.
• 2:14
  Eric: I love IKEA.
• 2:15
  Matt: But we have upgraded because here's the thing that I think maybe some people who are like, ugh, IKEA, which is to say elitist, they I think think that it's still the same IKEA selections from like 1995.
• 2:32
  Eric: Uh, like when it was essentially cardboard that had been like heart like tempered.
• 2:38
  Matt: Yeah, they still have the lack.
• 2:40
  Matt: You know, that's still there for you.
• 2:42
  Matt: It's still two cents or however much that table costs.
• 2:46
  Matt: But the thing is, there are tiers of IKEA.
• 2:49
  Matt: Oh, oh, 100%.
• 2:50
  Matt: Like there is the base level lac level IKEA, which stretches across when when Lindsay and I got our first couch from IKEA, it was like a hundred bucks, the whole couch.
• 3:00
  Matt: The whole fucking couch.
• 3:02
  Matt: And yeah, and it was a piece of shit, of course.
• 3:04
  Matt: Oh, yeah.
• 3:05
  Matt: And so we've you know, we upgraded to a better one after that, uh, and now we've upgraded to a non-IKEA couch.
• 3:11
  Matt: But the but other things, other furniture, is you can upgrade within IKEA as well.
• 3:18
  Matt: Yeah, that is dope.
• 3:19
  Matt: And when you get to top tier, like there are lesser office chairs offered by IKEA than the one I have, but mine's top tier, baby.
• 3:30
  Matt: So I think people who don't like IKEA or like are super judgmental about IKEA, I the question I have for you is like, where do you get off?
• 3:41
  Eric: Where do you You can go fuck.
• 3:44
  Eric: You you can go fuck.
• 3:46
  Matt: You can go fuck! I'm gonna I'm always gonna bring it back.
• 3:49
  Matt: Oh man.
• 3:51
  Matt: The um but you know, seriously, because like first of all, they've got uh they have legitimately quality selections.
• 3:58
  Matt: Yeah.
• 3:59
  Eric: The hemnes sweet dude, I my my dude, the hemnes uh I'm at a hemnes point in my life right now.
• 4:05
  Matt: Don't get me started with how fucking reliable the Hemnes collection from solid pine, my dude.
• 4:15
  Matt: Dude, and I'll tell you this we just got a new entertainment center that is a Lyotorp.
• 4:21
  Matt: Or no, excuse me, excuse me, our new bookcases are Lyotorp.
• 4:25
  Eric: I've been looking at bookcases.
• 4:26
  Matt: I'm I'm eyeballing the Hemnes.
• 4:28
  Matt: Uh so the Hemnes bookcases, okay, but what sold us on the Lyotorps is they come with these really nice doors that you can get.
• 4:35
  Matt: So the bookcases are like a perfect example, right?
• 4:38
  Matt: Of the tiers of like because I believe because like I said, I'm very happy with our new Lyotorps, but I think we can all agree that we've all been at a stage in our lives when we were all using, let's say it together, Poach, the Billy Billy.
• 4:52
  Eric: Yeah, yep, yep, yeah, Billy Bookcase.
• 4:55
  Matt: Billy Bookcase is reliable.
• 4:57
  Matt: It's good.
• 4:57
  Matt: Okay, it's a workhorse.
• 4:59
  Matt: It's a workhorse, it gets the job done, and it's not it does it's not too flashy, but it doesn't need to be.
• 5:05
  Matt: But when you're ready for the doors, don't slap doors on the fucking Billy.
• 5:09
  Matt: They don't slap them.
• 5:10
  Matt: Don't no, put the Billy in the basement with those dirty books.
• 5:15
  Matt: Yeah, yeah, and put the, you know, put Turn the Billy into a Funko pop display case.
• 5:20
  Matt: There you go.
• 5:21
  Matt: And I do need a place for my Funko since moving because we've we've finally gotten to the place where we're like we've gotten all the regular stuff in, but we haven't put any of the art up or any of the like the decorations.
• 5:32
  Matt: We're still there.
• 5:32
  Matt: We've been here like we've been here a year and a half.
• 5:35
  Matt: Well, it's mainly because we're gonna get a bar.
• 5:38
  Matt: Um Okay.
• 5:39
  Matt: Well, we have this like nook in the living room that we need to fill.
• 5:42
  Matt: And we're gonna have this nook.
• 5:44
  Matt: And our kitchen, we actually did, despite upgrading and like everything else, we've downgraded in cabinet space in this apartment.
• 5:52
  Matt: Okay.
• 5:53
  Matt: So we need something to store some of our hundreds of appliances that we've accumulated.
• 5:57
  Matt: So we're gonna get like a bar that can be like both coffee and boozy.
• 6:01
  Matt: Nice.
• 6:02
  Matt: Yeah.
• 6:02
  Matt: Uppers and downers.
• 6:04
  Matt: But since that's like the last piece, that nook is just filled with our art leaning against a wall.
• 6:10
  Matt: Like we haven't put anything up.
• 6:12
  Matt: We haven't gotten any floating shelves or anything like that.
• 6:14
  Matt: And I know where I can get some.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_03: Is it IKEA?
• 6:19
  Matt: It's IKEA, baby, the meatball paradise.
• 6:22
  Matt: Also, I just want to say, if if you have if you're coming in here with any intention of if anything else, if you don't like IKEA's furniture or whatever, that's fine.
• 6:32
  Matt: But if you mean to tell me that you're coming to this podcast to badmouth those meatballs, you can go fuck.
• 6:40
  Matt: You can go fuck and welcome back to yet another episode of You Didn't Ask for This.
• 6:58
  Matt: My name is Matt Shay.
• 7:00
  Matt: My name is Eric Poach.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: My name is Sarah Feldman.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Jesus!
• 7:11
  Matt: We have got to lock down this zoom room.
• 7:14
  Eric: How do they find us?
• 7:15
  Matt: Yes.
• 7:17
  Matt: Hello, Sarah Feldman.
• 7:19
  Matt: Hi, Sarah.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Hello.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: Hey guys, what's going on?
• 7:23
  Matt: Not much at all.
• 7:25
  Matt: Pleasure to have you.
• 7:26
  Eric: Yeah, we were just gonna record a well, we were gonna record a podcast.
• 7:29
  Eric: Did you like wanna go in?
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna record a pod two.
• 7:33
  Matt: Yeah, the same one?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Let's do the same.
• 7:36
  Matt: Let's just stay on brand, yeah?
• 7:39
  Matt: Yeah.
• 7:39
  Matt: Uh and by the way, that brand is a podcast answering all of life's least pressing questions.
• 7:45
  Matt: This is the the 18th episode of this podcast.
• 7:49
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 7:50
  Matt: And the second one with a guest.
• 7:52
  Matt: Uh, and yes, yes, joining us today is Sarah Feldman.
• 7:56
  Matt: Uh, and I'm looking at my notes here.
• 7:58
  Matt: It says you're a social media manager and a breakfast carb lover.
• 8:03
  Matt: And dinosaurs.
• 8:05
  Matt: And dinosaurs.
• 8:06
  Matt: Oh, yeah, that was scribbled out.
• 8:08
  Eric: Yeah, those are all equal in Sarah Feldman's eyes.
• 8:11
  Matt: Now, how what is the salary range of a breakfast carb lover?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, really, I feel like unfortunately, it ends up being more of like a cost.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's a it's a charge for loving breakfast carbs.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, oh, you love things that are perfect, like here you have to pay more money.
• 8:32
  Eric: I think that's wrong.
• 8:33
  Eric: It's like a fun tax.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: I think so.
• 8:35
  Eric: Yeah.
• 8:35
  Eric: Now I don't think love should be taxed.
• 8:38
  Eric: What are your what are your go-to breakfast carbs?
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: See, that brings up uh you know a question as well, is like also what is a breakfast carb?
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like, is it a carb you eat for breakfast?
• 8:49
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: So, like a fried mac and cheese ball, for example, or is it a breakfast pastry?
• 8:58
  Eric: And what is what is your definition?
• 9:00
  Eric: What is your definition?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: I like to make it pretty loose, but I do love a good breakfast pastry.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, like I love a good cinnamon roll, a good muffin.
• 9:12
  Matt: The the classic, really, the default in many ways.
• 9:15
  Matt: I just don't have a donut from time to time.
• 9:20
  Eric: Yeah.
• 9:21
  Matt: So as Sarah, as our listenership knows, you have been one of our most loyal question submitters uh of these first 17 episodes we've already recorded.
• 9:35
  Matt: So, first of all, just props to you.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, thank you.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a I'm a huge fan.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Huge fan.
• 9:41
  Eric: You're your you didn't ask for this famous, Sarah.
• 9:45
  Eric: You're you're you daft famous.
• 9:47
  Eric: You daft famous.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Man, I gotta update my LinkedIn.
• 9:52
  Eric: Yes, please do.
• 9:54
  Eric: Can we please put that in like our toilet as featured on Sarah Feldman's LinkedIn?
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: I think so.
• 10:00
  Matt: You might have heard of us on Sarah Feldman's LinkedIn.
• 10:04
  Matt: Um so as you know, uh as you uh we don't need to explain to you.
• 10:09
  Matt: We we answer life's leaves pressing questions, and we we would like to know, do you have any, now that you're here in the flesh, well, you know, virtually in the flesh, do you uh have any questions for us?
• 10:22
  Matt: There's no sell sheet between you and us.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, first of all, I've been working on this list for a week.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: So do I have questions like what kind of question is that?
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um I'm just gonna jump, just gonna jump right in.
• 10:33
  Matt: Oh, please do.
• 10:34
  Matt: Yeah, let's let's see what you got.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: If Garfield didn't work, why did he hate Mondays?
• 10:40
  Matt: Whoa.
• 10:41
  Matt: Okay.
• 10:42
  Matt: Coming out strong.
• 10:43
  Matt: Is that so do you have more?
• 10:44
  Matt: Because we can you know.
• 10:47
  Eric: We question and we answer.
• 10:48
  Eric: We question and we answer.
• 10:49
  Eric: Is it is that how we're doing it?
• 10:51
  Matt: Oh, hold on.
• 10:51
  Matt: That's not a simple answer, I feel like.
• 10:53
  Matt: Let's what else you got?
• 10:54
  Matt: Let's let's see what the list is.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I have 11, so I can share all of them.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: That's helpful.
• 11:00
  Eric: Okay.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: One, do you think you ever drank milk from the same cow twice?
• 11:05
  unknown: Oh my god.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: Do you think that dogs are biased towards police dogs because they're busy solving human crimes and not dog crimes?
• 11:12
  Matt: Okay, okay, interesting.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: What's your favorite cereal dust?
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Not to be confused with cereal, but cereal dust.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: God damn.
• 11:19
  Matt: This is gonna be a two-hour episode.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: If you're in charge of naming conference rooms, what would you name them?
• 11:25
  Matt: Oh my god, Sarah.
• 11:26
  Matt: Yes, keep going.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: What is it an unpopular opinion that you have?
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: If you have to pick between ordering popcorn or just ordering candy at the movies, what do you go with?
• 11:36
  Eric: Okay, okay.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: What song is your meeting walk-in music?
• 11:40
  Eric: Fuck yes.
• 11:41
  Eric: Sorry, I love that.
• 11:42
  Eric: We are definitely diving into it.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Why are there no female breakfast cereal mascots?
• 11:48
  Matt: Patriarchy.
• 11:49
  Matt: I have to agree, patriarchy.
• 11:51
  Matt: My wife would kill me if I didn't say that.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, if you could learn to cook one food like perfectly, like the best in the world, what would it be?
• 11:58
  unknown: Okay.
• 11:58
  Matt: Okay.
• 11:59
  Matt: Well, Sarah, I just want to say you have set the bar.
• 12:02
  Matt: Thank you.
• 12:02
  Matt: Thank you.
• 12:03
  Eric: Yeah, dear listeners, uh, fucking take notes.
• 12:07
  Eric: Take notes, please.
• 12:09
  Eric: Do us a favor and get to work.
• 12:11
  Eric: Right now we're doing that thing that like teachers do that alienates the good student for the rest of like, why can't you all be like Sarah?
• 12:18
  Eric: Sarah did the homework.
• 12:20
  Eric: Sarah takes Cornell notes.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: People could come prepared.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: They could come prepared.
• 12:24
  Matt: They could come prepared.
• 12:25
  Matt: And you did, so let's jump in.
• 12:27
  Matt: Uh, Eric, what do you want to tackle first?
• 12:29
  Matt: I'm real attracted to the attracted to this m- and attractive, I think.
• 12:34
  Matt: Yeah, very incredibly.
• 12:36
  Matt: Especially as we know with a peacoat.
• 12:38
  Matt: If I would like to throw in this Garfield Mondays series.
• 12:42
  Eric: Garfield Mondays, meeting music walk-ins, serial mascots, definitely.
• 12:47
  Matt: Okay, we have quite the smorgasbord.
• 12:50
  Eric: Oh, yeah.
• 12:50
  Eric: So let's let's let's just dive right in.
• 12:53
  Matt: Let's dive right in.
• 12:55
  Matt: Garfield and Mondays.
• 12:56
  Matt: Garfield and Mondays.
• 12:58
  Matt: I have never once considered, Sarah Feldman, that that Garfield doesn't work.
• 13:04
  Matt: He doesn't work.
• 13:04
  Matt: He'd tell you that he works.
• 13:08
  Matt: I mean, it's the easy answer, right?
• 13:10
  Matt: That's the start of the work week.
• 13:11
  Matt: Start of the work week.
• 13:12
  Matt: The start of the existential dread of like, why have I made these choices that have led me here?
• 13:17
  Matt: It's the start of all that.
• 13:18
  Matt: But what does all that go away without work?
• 13:22
  Matt: Does Monday have that connotation without uh employment?
• 13:28
  Eric: It makes me think that Garfield hating Mondays is coincidental to like humans hating Mondays.
• 13:35
  Eric: I think Garfield has a very valid reason.
• 13:38
  Eric: I can't fathom what it could be.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: I have a couple of thoughts.
• 13:42
  Eric: Please put it in the middle.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: One, is it like, does his human go to work and he misses him and that's the situation?
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: Also, is Mondays like the fresh lasagna day, and then he has leftovers throughout the rest of the week?
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like these are things to think about.
• 13:56
  Eric: Oh, okay.
• 13:57
  Eric: Oh, so he knows he's not getting lasagna because it's it's lasagna night on Monday.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: Well, oh, I guess it's lasagna like I was gonna say it's leftovers on Monday because lasagna's made like another day during the week, so it's not fresh lasagna.
• 14:13
  Matt: Now we know that John with no H goes to work.
• 14:18
  Eric: Where does John Arbuckle work?
• 14:20
  Eric: I know he has like, is it ever established?
• 14:22
  Matt: I don't remember.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: He names nail polishes.
• 14:27
  Matt: Oh God.
• 14:28
  Matt: Does he also name conference rooms?
• 14:30
  Matt: You know we'll come back to that.
• 14:31
  Matt: We'll circle back to that.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we can circle back.
• 14:34
  Matt: Uh okay, so but yeah, the if it's fresh lasagna, I would think that's a plus for old Garfield.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's true, it's true.
• 14:43
  Matt: Now, do we feel like he doesn't have a job?
• 14:46
  Matt: Like Garfield?
• 14:47
  Matt: Like he doesn't make any money.
• 14:48
  Matt: He's a good one.
• 14:54
  Matt: I mean, someone's gotta do it, yuck, yuck, yuck.
• 14:57
  Eric: Yeah.
• 14:57
  Eric: Mailing normal to Abu Dhabi, yuck, yuck, yuck.
• 15:01
  Eric: Which speaking of, but now I'm thinking, that can't be a cheap package to ship.
• 15:06
  Eric: Where is he getting the money to do that?
• 15:09
  Eric: He ha unless he's stealing from John, he has revenue.
• 15:15
  Matt: Well, he is a cat, so he is a cat.
• 15:17
  Matt: That's I think on the table.
• 15:19
  Matt: Yeah.
• 15:20
  Matt: Is this like a Stewie Griffith situation where he just has un unexplainable riches?
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's a family money situation.
• 15:30
  Matt: Oh, old money.
• 15:31
  Matt: Old money are a buckle.
• 15:34
  Eric: Or or perhaps I don't know why we're rolling out the Garfields.
• 15:38
  Eric: Have money.
• 15:39
  Eric: Is Garfield his first name or his last name?
• 15:42
  Eric: Is it though?
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's true.
• 15:44
  Matt: That's a good point.
• 15:45
  Matt: That's a good point.
• 15:46
  Matt: So, but let' o okay, let's we he doesn't make I don't I think we can agree that he doesn't make money.
• 15:52
  Matt: He's not putting on a tie and knowing war.
• 15:55
  Matt: So, what would be the impetus for not liking Mondays as opposed to any other day of the week?
• 16:01
  Matt: Because I think he's perfectly happy that John is leaving.
• 16:05
  Eric: My instinct immediately goes to like something dark in his past.
• 16:11
  Eric: Ooh.
• 16:12
  Eric: Like something happened.
• 16:14
  Eric: It was a Monday.
• 16:16
  Matt: Oh, it's it's emotionally triggering.
• 16:19
  Matt: Yeah, yeah.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, past trauma.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: Past trauma.
• 16:22
  Matt: Past trauma.
• 16:22
  Matt: Past trauma.
• 16:23
  Eric: Speaking, the only thing I know about Garfield's past is that he was born in an Italian restaurant.
• 16:28
  Eric: Like canonically born in an Italian restaurant.
• 16:31
  Eric: I can't remember where I read that, but I know that's I think that's also why he loves lasagna.
• 16:36
  Eric: Yo, maybe the restaurant he was born in wasn't open on Mondays.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Or what if um like the restaurant closed for good on a Monday?
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was shut down.
• 16:47
  Matt: I do want you to know that the the comic strip was originally published in 1976 as just John.
• 16:54
  Matt: John?
• 16:55
  Matt: Good rebranding, Jim Davis.
• 16:56
  Matt: Good rebranding.
• 16:57
  Eric: And in true Garfield fashion, what should have been a nice thing for John became Garfield's.
• 17:02
  Eric: He just fucking took it over.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: It feels like a classic, like cat move.
• 17:07
  Eric: Yeah, it's very meta.
• 17:09
  Matt: Okay.
• 17:10
  Matt: I didn't see anything in a quick look about the Italian restaurant, but I will assume that that is factual.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, thank you.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: I think so.
• 17:16
  Matt: Uh I think that's a good assumption that he he had some sort of past trauma.
• 17:22
  Matt: I like, I like it being an Italian restaurant closing, and that would explain his his lasagna love, too.
• 17:28
  Matt: Now, this could all be researchable fact.
• 17:31
  Eric: Oh, we could easily we could, you know, read things or do our due diligence.
• 17:39
  Matt: Audience, I don't know if you can hear the hair for broadcast.
• 17:42
  Matt: Yeah.
• 17:43
  Matt: But I feel as though as long as we are here and are speaking into microphones, then we are developing facts.
• 17:52
  Matt: Yeah.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: We're the experts.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: We are the experts.
• 17:54
  Matt: That's right.
• 17:55
  Matt: So let's call it.
• 17:56
  Matt: I think let's call uh there you go, everyone.
• 17:59
  Matt: It's definitive.
• 18:00
  Matt: Italian restaurant closed on Monday.
• 18:02
  Matt: So if you've got an Italian restaurant, don't close.
• 18:06
  Matt: Uh uh in the books, rapid fire.
• 18:09
  Matt: That was like a fast five to just five minutes on one, though.
• 18:14
  Matt: So what's next, Sarah?
• 18:15
  Matt: What you got?
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, what's next?
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna pick one.
• 18:18
  Eric: Throw one at us.
• 18:19
  Eric: Which one of these do you really want us to like have an opinion of?
• 18:23
  Matt: Because we've got one that you submitted in the past that we are prepared to uncork back at you.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I can't, I can't wait.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I think what song is your meeting walking music?
• 18:33
  Eric: I I that is my favorite one.
• 18:35
  Matt: Um Well, Poach, don't let me stifle you into it.
• 18:39
  Eric: Let's just so when we say me like this is my every meeting?
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm coming into the board.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: Every single meeting.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's an 8 a.m.
• 18:48
  Eric: meeting, okay, okay.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: A whole group of people or a 1 p.m.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: with one person every day.
• 18:56
  Matt: So you so we only get one because uh as a baseball fan, you can I'll tell you, you can change your walk-up music per at bat.
• 19:05
  Matt: Some people keep it the same the whole time, but some people are like second time up, second song.
• 19:10
  Matt: Third time up, third song.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think for the purposes of the conversation, you can only pick you can only commit to one because low budget for you know a couple of minutes.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 19:18
  Eric: Also, it's not like I go to a meeting and then like I I'm in the meeting for 10 minutes and then I have to go outside of the boardroom, stand outs off outside of the door for like 10 minutes, and then I get to come back in and participate in the meeting again.
• 19:32
  Eric: Right.
• 19:32
  Matt: I'm in it to win it.
• 19:34
  Matt: Yeah.
• 19:34
  Matt: Okay, so any any time of day, 8 a.m.
• 19:37
  Matt: meeting, can you uh I hate it an 8 a.m.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: first I know, but it's got it's gotta work for an 8 a.m.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: as well as it works for a three.
• 19:46
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 19:47
  Matt: And those are very different vibes.
• 19:50
  Matt: So I gotta keep that in mind.
• 19:54
  Matt: Now, what kind of message poach?
• 19:56
  Matt: Uh we're gonna help each other because I don't have any idea what I'm gonna pick up.
• 19:59
  Eric: Let's brainstorm, let's brainstorm.
• 20:01
  Matt: What?
• 20:01
  Matt: And Sarah, do you have a prepared answer for this?
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I I've been thinking about this for a bit.
• 20:07
  Matt: That's what I thought.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um, probably this is how we do it.
• 20:11
  Eric: Oh.
• 20:12
  Eric: This is how we do it.
• 20:13
  Eric: That sends a message.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: Always a good message of like we're gonna do this together, and we, so like we are doing this together, not like this is how I do it.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, collaboration, determination.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's it sends a good message.
• 20:28
  Matt: It sends a good message, but it also can be interpreted as like I am the example.
• 20:36
  Matt: Like this right here, this is how we're gonna do it.
• 20:39
  Matt: And I think both are equally effective no matter how you take it.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, neither upset me.
• 20:44
  Matt: Neither upset me.
• 20:45
  Matt: So, so keeping those in mind, Poach, yeah.
• 20:48
  Matt: What kind of what kind of vibe do you want to be setting when you walk in this m this meeting?
• 20:53
  Matt: There are two angles.
• 20:55
  Eric: There are two uh vectors of approach here I could take.
• 20:59
  Eric: Approach one, I want to inspire.
• 21:01
  Eric: I want to like, I want us to to give this the old college try and be present and you know, sincere.
• 21:08
  Eric: If that is my vector of approach, I would choose can you take me higher by creed?
• 21:13
  Eric: Oh, okay.
• 21:14
  Eric: Okay, that's great.
• 21:15
  Eric: That's great.
• 21:16
  Eric: I was not expecting that.
• 21:19
  Eric: I don't think you're gonna expect the other one either.
• 21:21
  Eric: The other angle is I can I can leverage my walk-in song as a tool.
• 21:26
  Eric: Uh, the tool, the and the purpose of this tool is if you are calling me into a meeting, you better have a goddamn good reason.
• 21:36
  Eric: I want I want them to I want them to have to think real long and hard about if they're gonna bring me in.
• 21:42
  Matt: About including you on that team's.
• 21:45
  Eric: I'm like, think real hard.
• 21:46
  Eric: Could this be an email?
• 21:48
  Eric: Or do you need me physically in the room?
• 21:50
  Eric: And if that's the case, if that's what I'm gonna try to use it for, I'm gonna use the opening song from Le Miserab and just like look down.
• 22:00
  Eric: Yes.
• 22:00
  Eric: Dun dun.
• 22:01
  Eric: Boom.
• 22:04
  Eric: The whole fucking thing.
• 22:07
  Eric: Yes.
• 22:08
  Eric: Yes.
• 22:08
  Eric: And like I'll I'll just be like slogging it in and they're just gonna sit there the whole time having to watch me like Jesus Christ.
• 22:14
  Matt: Do you do all right?
• 22:15
  Matt: This is an impr this is an important thing.
• 22:18
  Matt: When you do a walk-up song in sports and whatnot, it's it's usually just a quick snippet, you know, a little sample.
• 22:26
  Matt: You you have the whole song.
• 22:28
  Matt: Like you're gonna be.
• 22:33
  Eric: Can you take me higher?
• 22:36
  Eric: And it's on.
• 22:38
  Eric: And that's just that's it.
• 22:40
  Matt: Just that one link.
• 22:42
  Matt: Can you take me higher?
• 22:44
  Eric: And then out the door.
• 22:45
  Eric: Done.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't walk in fast enough, it just repeats over and over again.
• 22:50
  Eric: I have to like get the door closed fast enough for it to be higher.
• 22:56
  Eric: Can you take oh shit.
• 22:58
  Matt: Is there that's a good question.
• 23:00
  Matt: Does this require does this this conceit require there to be like a live board op in this corner of a room every conference room to mix the things?
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: I did have a follow-up question.
• 23:10
  Matt: Yeah, okay.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: Which is does your answer change if you know that the live musicians will be there every time you walk into a meeting?
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, will that change your answer?
• 23:22
  Eric: Actual live band.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, live band.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: Live band.
• 23:26
  Eric: If I had the London Philharmonic Orchestra doing like Mr.
• 23:29
  Eric: Rob.
• 23:30
  Eric: Um if I could get Creed in a fucking conference room, that solidifies it for me.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, great.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, great.
• 23:39
  Matt: I am a little perplexed as to what I'm going to say for this.
• 23:47
  Matt: And just give me one second.
• 23:49
  Matt: I just want to look.
• 23:50
  Eric: There ain't no rush.
• 23:53
  Eric: I'm a little stuck.
• 23:55
  Eric: What do you want your walk-in song to do?
• 23:57
  Eric: So what statement are you trying to make?
• 23:58
  Eric: We'll help you.
• 23:59
  Eric: Sarah and I will.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: Tell us about the vibes you're trying to create.
• 24:02
  Matt: Speaking truth.
• 24:03
  Matt: I I like the idea of there being sort of a, you know, confidence walking in the door, you know, uh uh expertise walking through.
• 24:15
  Matt: You know, none of those things are true, but I I like it.
• 24:18
  Matt: But I also like this instilling fear that Poach is sort of going for, which is why the first thing that came to mind is I forget, I have a feeling Eric's gonna know, but uh uh the the end track from Phantom Menace.
• 24:34
  Matt: Uh oh, Battle of the Fates.
• 24:36
  Matt: Battle of the Fates.
• 24:37
  Matt: Yeah, I got you, babe.
• 24:38
  Matt: Battle of the Fates.
• 24:39
  Matt: Oh, that is a good choice.
• 24:41
  Matt: I do sort of like Battle of the Fates being what comes on.
• 24:45
  Matt: Um because it is shocking.
• 24:49
  Eric: It is shocking.
• 24:50
  Eric: Um it's also made me change my answer.
• 24:54
  Matt: Oh, yeah, because you didn't expect me to go I didn't expect you to have such a good fucking answer.
• 24:58
  Eric: That's not a dig.
• 24:59
  Eric: That's just so that's golden.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's just embarrassing that you haven't thought about this before, Poach.
• 25:04
  Eric: I know I know.
• 25:05
  Matt: I know.
• 25:05
  Matt: The Okay, so what was your gonna first of all?
• 25:09
  Matt: Didn't you say that you had a suggestion for me?
• 25:13
  Matt: Or did you just want to change?
• 25:14
  Matt: You changed your answer.
• 25:15
  Matt: Oh, I just changed my answer.
• 25:16
  Eric: So what is your So here's my changed answer.
• 25:18
  Eric: Open the doors, uh, and and it's crucial that there be double doors that they're gonna open slowly.
• 25:24
  Eric: THX sound.
• 25:28
  Eric: It accomplishes the same thing as lame Mizerab, and I was want full I have a new answer.
• 25:35
  Matt: You we're just getting shorter and shorter.
• 25:37
  Matt: Here's what I'm thinking.
• 25:39
  Matt: And this I I think double doors are crucial, but it I also will require a mechanism to open the door without being there right away.
• 25:48
  Matt: Like I need to be off, I need to be offstage for a minute.
• 25:52
  Matt: MGM theme.
• 25:54
  Matt: Oh, very classic.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_00: Are the tigers necessary?
• 25:59
  Matt: Oh, oh wait, hold on.
• 26:00
  Matt: Not uh so MGM theme also works, but what I was actually thinking about.
• 26:03
  Matt: I was sitting here was like a lion roar, okay.
• 26:06
  Matt: Yeah I was actually thinking like 20th century fox and then right around you know the second half of that is when I stand in the middle of the doors.
• 26:19
  Matt: The doors.
• 26:21
  Matt: I became Irish there for a second.
• 26:24
  Matt: Uh all right.
• 26:26
  Matt: I mean those are those are solid options, I think.
• 26:30
  Eric: I feel I feel like we covered the entire spectrum of music.
• 26:35
  Matt: And and attitudes for a meeting.
• 26:37
  Matt: Yeah, yes.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and we have, I think, realistic expectations for what to expect during the meeting, having like double doors, having the band there.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: I think this this all feels realistic for our companies to be providing.
• 26:50
  Eric: I I I agree.
• 26:51
  Eric: If I may add a just a very brief follow-up question.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_00: You may not.
• 26:56
  Matt: Okay.
• 26:57
  Matt: Oh.
• 26:58
  Matt: Thank you.
• 26:59
  Matt: You know, we need someone to assist.
• 27:00
  Matt: We need someone to put on the code.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_00: You may not, actually.
• 27:02
  Matt: Oh.
• 27:03
  Matt: Uh yes, you can, Eric.
• 27:04
  Eric: Yes, go ahead.
• 27:06
  Eric: Thank you.
• 27:06
  Eric: Thank you.
• 27:06
  Eric: Thank you.
• 27:07
  Eric: Wow, needed a man's permission.
• 27:08
  Eric: Um that one's the Lindsay.
• 27:13
  Eric: Um my follow-up is uh so in that intervening, so once the meeting has officially been called done, everyone's still in the call, and you're waiting for everyone to fuck off.
• 27:29
  Eric: What is the what is what do you use to play people out?
• 27:31
  Eric: Like, you know what I mean?
• 27:32
  Eric: Like the the we need to clear the clear the conference room, clear the zoom room.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I think closing time.
• 27:41
  Matt: Yes, yeah, that was gonna be my answer.
• 27:43
  Matt: I I think the opening instrumental of Disney uh of When You Wish Upon a Star, uh, that's my exit.
• 27:51
  Matt: That's my exit music.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's great.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: I I like that.
• 27:56
  Eric: God, it somehow gets so much more depressing in that context.
• 28:00
  Eric: I know.
• 28:03
  Eric: All right, Eric.
• 28:04
  Eric: Did you say anything, Eric?
• 28:05
  Eric: I don't think so.
• 28:06
  Eric: Oh, yeah, Eric, what do you got?
• 28:08
  Eric: I agreed with closing time, but but in the interest of being interesting, I will pick a different answer.
• 28:12
  Eric: Um I would I would say Oh, oh, uh walking away theme from The Incredible Hulk.
• 28:20
  Eric: The that song.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: I also have another option.
• 28:28
  Matt: The Incredible Hulk, that sounds like something else.
• 28:30
  Matt: No, from like the TV show.
• 28:31
  Matt: Like that it does sound like a song, though.
• 28:36
  Matt: No, oh hold on.
• 28:37
  Matt: It's coming to me.
• 28:38
  Matt: It's you know what you just sang?
• 28:40
  Matt: You sang, My life is brilliant.
• 28:43
  Eric: Oh, my life is brilliant.
• 28:44
  Eric: Oh, well, there we go.
• 28:44
  Eric: Oh, well, there we go.
• 28:46
  Eric: Yep.
• 28:48
  Eric: And like if I'm running the meeting as that song is playing, I'm pointing at every person.
• 28:52
  Eric: Just let them know you're beautiful.
• 28:53
  Eric: You're beautiful.
• 28:54
  Eric: Oh man.
• 28:55
  Eric: In like a soul way and not trying to make it weird.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I also think, like, you know, if we want to end it on a high note, Mambo number five.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's like a doo doo doo doo doo.
• 29:06
  Matt: Because I'll tell you this, who's not gonna get up for that?
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's the thing.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: So then you get up and just like shove them out the door.
• 29:13
  Matt: Yeah, you can't have Gary and accounting continue to talk when everybody is like, oh shit, this is my jam.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 29:21
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_00: I think so.
• 29:23
  Matt: I think so too.
• 29:24
  Matt: That's nice.
• 29:26
  Matt: Now, Sarah, I don't know if you here's a question for you.
• 29:31
  Matt: From you.
• 29:33
  Matt: Yeah, real meta.
• 29:34
  Matt: How come there is a popcorn button on microwaves when one, the time for this button varies, two, the timing for uh the popcorn varies, and three, what should there be a button for instead?
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, first of all, Sarah, great question.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_00: Great question.
• 29:55
  Matt: Thank you for the question, Sarah.
• 29:56
  Matt: Thank you for the question.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_00: Great, great question.
• 29:58
  Matt: Oh, that was Sarah Feldman on Instagram.
• 30:00
  Matt: Yeah, Sarah Feldman.
• 30:01
  Matt: That is who we're talking to, right?
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 30:03
  Matt: Yeah, we should have confirmed that before.
• 30:05
  Matt: Thank you.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, Sarah Feldman 43729.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um, that's me.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, really?
• 30:11
  Matt: I thought it was just Sarah Feldman.
• 30:13
  Matt: No, it is just Sarah.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_00: It is just Sarah Feldman.
• 30:15
  Matt: Oh, that's a good idea.
• 30:15
  Matt: Oh, you want to disguise your identity on the code.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it I was just trying to disguise.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_00: It was kind of like an AOL screen name situation.
• 30:21
  Matt: Got it, got it, got it, got it, I got it.
• 30:23
  Matt: What was your AOL screen name?
• 30:24
  Matt: Separate question.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_00: That's a great question.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I had a bunch.
• 30:28
  Matt: Like there's a change with your movie.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_00: I I made a bunch, so I honestly can't remember what my current one.
• 30:38
  Matt: Mine was Beatle Future.
• 30:40
  Eric: Mine was Nintendo God 128.
• 30:44
  Matt: God damn it.
• 30:45
  Matt: Yes, it was.
• 30:47
  Matt: You remember.
• 30:49
  Matt: Uh anyway, so the qu so the question.
• 30:52
  Eric: Okay.
• 30:52
  Eric: So the question.
• 30:54
  Eric: So the question.
• 30:55
  Matt: We managed to go down a different path literally immediately.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: We'll stay focused.
• 31:04
  Matt: Let's circle back.
• 31:05
  Eric: Let's circle back.
• 31:05
  Eric: Let's circle back.
• 31:06
  Eric: So the popcorn button.
• 31:07
  Eric: So the popcorn button.
• 31:09
  Eric: Uh I think, I think, I think the popcorn companies are in with big microwave.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, I mean, wait, so there's three parts to this question, right?
• 31:20
  Matt: There are, yes.
• 31:21
  Matt: So part one.
• 31:22
  Eric: And that answers all of them.
• 31:23
  Eric: No.
• 31:24
  Matt: So part one is how come there is a popcorn button microwaves when one, the time for this button varies.
• 31:31
  Matt: Meaning from microwave to microwave, you hit popcorn, you get a different amount of time.
• 31:36
  Eric: Yep.
• 31:36
  Eric: Gotta buy more microwaves, baby.
• 31:39
  Eric: Gotta have a whole wall of microwaves.
• 31:41
  Matt: You want you are suggesting that we need a wall of microwaves.
• 31:45
  Eric: No, I'm suggesting that that's what the microwave companies want.
• 31:49
  Matt: Oh, big ha big microwave.
• 31:50
  Matt: Yeah, big microwave.
• 31:53
  Matt: Got it.
• 31:54
  Matt: Okay, that makes sense.
• 31:55
  Eric: Yeah, sure.
• 31:56
  Eric: So I think it's like pockets and purse companies.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I think to start with the first question.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_00: So why is there one on the microwave?
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_00: I think that there definitely are was a microwave exec and a popcorn exec.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, they had a partnership, whether it was a friendship or a relationship together.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_00: And in order to kind of grow both of their businesses, um, they decided to combine efforts and to increase the sale of microwaves by saying that it was the the one place to be able to pop microwave popcorn easily, and then also increase the sale of popcorn for being able to easily use it in the microwave.
• 32:42
  Matt: Wow.
• 32:44
  Matt: I was gonna say they wanted to put more buttons to make it seem fancier than it is.
• 32:51
  Eric: Also, uh can we put an like in memoriam Sarah Feldman at the end of this episode?
• 32:55
  Eric: She's gonna get assassinated by Oracle Redenbacher.
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 32:59
  Eric: Like she just blew the fucking lid off of this.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because I said the real answer.
• 33:03
  Eric: So, you know, yeah, you said the quiet part out loud.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no, no one's not gonna be happy.
• 33:09
  Matt: No, not one little bit.
• 33:10
  Matt: Uh, I mean, I like this answer.
• 33:12
  Matt: There's backstory, yeah.
• 33:14
  Matt: There's interpersonal drama, there's intrigue.
• 33:17
  Matt: Romance.
• 33:18
  Matt: There's potentially a potentially romance involvement.
• 33:23
  Eric: Okay.
• 33:24
  Matt: Uh I think, though, my answer would be man, they knew they had some basic ask.
• 33:31
  Matt: Basic ask.
• 33:33
  Matt: God damn.
• 33:34
  Matt: They knew they had some basic ass microwave on their hands.
• 33:38
  Matt: And they were like, what, we got two buttons?
• 33:41
  Matt: They didn't know what to do with it?
• 33:42
  Matt: No, we gotta dress this up.
• 33:44
  Matt: So let's put, you know, uh popcorn and pizza and salad, you know, whatever else they got.
• 33:51
  Eric: Yeah, there's always a button, I'm like, who would why?
• 33:53
  Eric: Like, there are buttons I have never used in my 31 years of life on this planet.
• 33:59
  Matt: I would say most of them, because first of all, I don't think I use the popcorn button.
• 34:03
  Matt: I think when I put the popcorn in, I, and this speaks to the second part of the question, I look at the back of the popcorn and I put time that it tells me to do because I follow directions.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I will also say, uh, to kind of peeky back on what you're saying, is I've read a lot of I've had a lot of popcorn in my day.
• 34:20
  Eric: Sure.
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I have read the instructions and it says, do not use the popcorn button.
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_00: It has that.
• 34:27
  Matt: Like it says, it really does.
• 34:30
  Matt: Is this one particular brand that says that?
• 34:32
  Matt: Or you have noticed this across the board.
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_00: I would say this is a theme I've noticed across the board, is that it says, like set it for this amount of time, do not use the popcorn button.
• 34:42
  Matt: I think I have I think I have seen the truth.
• 34:45
  Matt: Do not go down that path.
• 34:47
  Matt: What this says to me, what this says to me, is that there is a blood feud between Big Microwave and Big Popcorn, as you previously suggested, and it is about the proper cook time of popcorn.
• 35:06
  SPEAKER_00: Or can I make an alternative suggestion?
• 35:10
  Matt: Yeah, you can nobody want to.
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_00: Would you say that Newman's is jealous of Black and Decker and Orville Redmacher's relationship?
• 35:24
  Matt: So because of tying it all together, they were like, no, we're not using this popcorn button.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_00: We're specifically making popcorn that doesn't work with this because like screw these people.
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_00: And they're trying to like screw over Big Microwave because Newman was the OG.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_03: I I love I love this.
• 35:48
  Matt: I love what you've done here.
• 35:49
  Matt: You what you've done is you have really opened our eyes to what is uh a five-act tragedy behind the story of this popcorn button.
• 36:03
  Eric: And it and it will end not with a pop, but with a whimper.
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_00: I also think like why limit the things that can be on popcorn?
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why isn't there a Twizzler button on the microwave?
• 36:15
  Matt: Now wait a minute.
• 36:16
  Matt: Why are you Sarah?
• 36:17
  Matt: Hold on.
• 36:18
  Matt: Hold on.
• 36:18
  Matt: Like okay, s'mores button for sure.
• 36:20
  Eric: But let's hot twizzlers, even.
• 36:23
  Matt: I'm a little concerned about you, Sarah.
• 36:25
  Matt: Why are you microwaving Twizzlers?
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_00: This is a thing.
• 36:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't want to get hate mail from the pod.
• 36:31
  Matt: Okay.
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_00: But what I'm saying is, why not?
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't want limitations around.
• 36:38
  Matt: Well, so this goes into the last part of your question, right?
• 36:41
  Matt: Like, what do you put instead?
• 36:44
  SPEAKER_00: S'more is 100%.
• 36:45
  Matt: I think s'more is a hundred percent.
• 36:47
  Matt: I mean, I I think that is potentially more useful than the microwave button that apparently we're not allowed to use anymore.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 36:55
  Matt: I think according to big popcorn.
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_00: Do you guys have any thoughts on the one what button we should have instead?
• 37:00
  Eric: Well, you're qualifier.
• 37:02
  Eric: Qualifier.
• 37:03
  Matt: Okay.
• 37:03
  Eric: Uh does will this cook it correctly?
• 37:07
  Eric: The thing, or is are we gonna be in the popcorn realm where like anyone's game?
• 37:12
  SPEAKER_00: I I can't answer that.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_00: I can't do that.
• 37:15
  Eric: That's that's fair.
• 37:15
  Eric: That's fair.
• 37:18
  Matt: How about this?
• 37:19
  Matt: Your Twizzler question has opened up a whole different section of my mind.
• 37:26
  Matt: Uh perhaps what we should is i we've talked about these random buttons that we never use.
• 37:32
  Matt: Maybe we just need to add another one, but one that makes you go, wait, what?
• 37:37
  Matt: Like, why would I use like like Twizzlers?
• 37:39
  Matt: Like, why would I use that?
• 37:40
  Matt: Like, what if it was fruit?
• 37:45
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 37:45
  SPEAKER_00: Wait, also, what if the fruit button was really a jackpot, but no one presses it?
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_00: So if you press fruit, all of a sudden$50,000 just comes streaming down from the bottom.
• 37:57
  Eric: Oh, it's like it's almost like a social experiment.
• 37:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it's an expert.
• 38:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's like the red button, like, don't press this.
• 38:02
  Eric: But for me, that's like the potato button.
• 38:04
  Eric: I've the potato button! Why is what kind of potato?
• 38:09
  SPEAKER_00: Are you saying every single potato is the same size?
• 38:11
  Eric: Like what are you even doing?
• 38:12
  Eric: Yeah, I got I got youkins.
• 38:15
  SPEAKER_00: There's diversity.
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_00: There's diversity potatoes.
• 38:17
  Matt: Also, just grow up and put those in the oven.
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_00: Put them in the oven.
• 38:22
  Matt: Like treat treat the potato, the king of all vegetables, with some fucking respect.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_00: Where's the respect?
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_00: Where's the respect?
• 38:31
  Eric: I'm not gonna break my fast on that carb if it's been run through a fucking blackened decker.
• 38:36
  Eric: I'm sorry.
• 38:37
  SPEAKER_00: No way.
• 38:38
  Matt: No, no, no, no, no.
• 38:39
  Matt: I mean, put some foil on that bad boy and get it in the oven.
• 38:44
  Eric: And for the love of God, that's see, that's I feel like I wonder how many people the potato button has gotten killed.
• 38:50
  Eric: Like how many poor, ignorant saps have wrapped up.
• 38:53
  Eric: They're like, oh yeah, wrap that in foil, bam, potato button.
• 38:57
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, concerned, concerned.
• 38:59
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, because they just I've used the potato button as like a pre-oven um situation.
• 39:07
  Matt: Oh, sure.
• 39:08
  Matt: A warm-up.
• 39:09
  SPEAKER_00: It like really doesn't do a lot.
• 39:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I also feel like how many people are just feel like slated by the potato button because it doesn't really work as well as you want it to.
• 39:17
  Eric: Yeah.
• 39:18
  Eric: And sanity check, have either of you ever gotten the thaw like function to work on a microwave?
• 39:25
  Eric: Like the defrost for me.
• 39:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm not a PhD, so no.
• 39:28
  Eric: Like every time I go to hit defrost and it starts asking me for inputs, and I don't know what it's asking me.
• 39:34
  Matt: Well, there's always follow-up things, right?
• 39:36
  Matt: So like in the 80s, in the in the pandemic, I have started making breakfast sandwiches uh on Sunday mornings, right?
• 39:43
  Matt: And so I have, and this goes back to a a past uh guest, actually.
• 39:50
  Matt: I have put those bagels in the freezer because so they can extend their lifespan.
• 39:56
  Eric: It's bagels, yeah.
• 39:56
  Matt: So when I take them out, they need to be defrosted before they can go in the toaster.
• 40:01
  Matt: And when I put it in there, it immediately greets me with what's the weight?
• 40:06
  Eric: Man, I don't know.
• 40:07
  Eric: Do I look?
• 40:08
  Eric: And this is after I've taken it completely out of its wrapping and like thrown that away.
• 40:13
  Eric: Like, I don't want to do that.
• 40:14
  Matt: And I'm in the middle of cooking sausage and shit.
• 40:16
  Matt: I don't have time to pull out a fucking scale.
• 40:19
  SPEAKER_00: No, so like, way to objectify your bagel, you know?
• 40:23
  Matt: Yeah, like it is 2021.
• 40:27
  Matt: Microwave.
• 40:28
  SPEAKER_00: Seriously.
• 40:29
  Matt: So I uh so my point is I think the defrost button has a lot of problematic questions surrounding it because like my parents' microwave, whenever I'm home, for the you know, they got a new microwave like years ago.
• 40:43
  Matt: Like it it's it no longer is a new microwave, but that's bec I only refer to it as the new microwave because the previous microwave was around for like 30 years.
• 40:51
  SPEAKER_00: Oh wow, that's a committed relationship.
• 40:53
  Matt: Yeah, no, it uh it worked way past like when anyone expected it to.
• 40:56
  Matt: Like it had a big orange button on it.
• 40:58
  Matt: Oh god, yeah.
• 40:59
  Matt: You probably show up on a Geiger counter, my dude.
• 41:02
  Matt: Quite possibly quite possibly 3.5 miles.
• 41:06
  Matt: It could be a real Chernobyl situation in my parents' kitchen.
• 41:09
  Matt: But the not terrible so but my point is they have like custom house rules about the defrost button.
• 41:16
  Matt: I'll like if I do the same situation with a bagel, take a bagel out of the freezer or whatever, I'm using this one, I will get the instructions from both my mom and dad, which are different instructions as to how many seconds before the mic, because the way that microwave works is you put it, you just put it in on defrost and it decides.
• 41:38
  Eric: Oh, it senses it.
• 41:41
  Matt: Yeah, I've senses it.
• 41:42
  SPEAKER_00: My parents have one have one of those too.
• 41:44
  Matt: But for a while, it just says defrost, like defrosting.
• 41:48
  Matt: Yeah.
• 41:48
  Matt: And then at a certain point it'll be like about 40 seconds left.
• 41:52
  Matt: And yeah, it doesn't tell you the time.
• 41:54
  Eric: It doesn't show you anything.
• 41:56
  Matt: Maybe I'll go another minute.
• 41:57
  Matt: And when it gets to that, that's when my parents have differing views of how many seconds before you need to take it out.
• 42:05
  Matt: But they both agree that the microwave is wrong.
• 42:11
  Eric: Oh, yeah, they do that classic, all right, you defrost it for however long, and then you gotta put it like in for another two minutes and 40 at 60%.
• 42:18
  Eric: Like they dialed it in.
• 42:20
  Matt: Yeah, not quite to that level, but that same vibe.
• 42:23
  Eric: That's saying my dad was always adamant about that.
• 42:26
  Eric: Like, I would be like, I would always ask the question and immediately regret it.
• 42:29
  Eric: I'd take a food like, oh hey dad, how long should I zap these leftovers for?
• 42:32
  Eric: He's like, Well, you don't want to do it at 100%.
• 42:34
  Eric: You want to do it like and like he'd oh he had in his brain, he had filed away each percent by type of food, like nationality of the food.
• 42:45
  Matt: Well, he is a dad, Eric.
• 42:47
  SPEAKER_00: That's a classic dad move.
• 42:48
  Matt: That's a dad move.
• 42:49
  Matt: I I feel like there must be some meeting of dads.
• 42:52
  Matt: You know what I mean?
• 42:53
  Matt: Like you get you you you get the new balances, like you get everything given to you that you're gonna need to know to be in the club.
• 43:02
  SPEAKER_00: I will say the all of the women did not just start wearing um uggs for no reason, you know?
• 43:09
  Eric: Do you remember during the Ug?
• 43:11
  Matt: We we all during the Ug Ug epidemic, yes.
• 43:14
  SPEAKER_00: Ug epidemic, it didn't happen for no reason.
• 43:16
  Matt: The ugly.
• 43:17
  Matt: The ugning.
• 43:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I mean I can't I can't say more, but you know.
• 43:20
  Matt: Ug again.
• 43:21
  Matt: Uh-huh.
• 43:23
  Matt: Uh yeah, I well, I am intrigued about that now.
• 43:26
  Matt: A future question from Sarah Feldman, I'm sure.
• 43:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um What is discussed at the all-women meetings?
• 43:33
  Matt: What is discussed at the those conventions?
• 43:38
  Matt: Uh well, I wouldn't want you to reveal all of those secrets after.
• 43:41
  Matt: Reveal all of them.
• 43:43
  Matt: So, um so Sarah, we're I'd like to transition now to ask you some questions.
• 43:48
  Matt: Uh you know, a little bit more personal questions.
• 43:52
  Matt: Oh, I'm ready.
• 43:53
  Eric: How many cicadas could you take in a fight?
• 43:57
  Matt: You know Eric is apparently ready for the It's a great question.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm gonna go with 47 and a half.
• 44:03
  Eric: And a half.
• 44:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, the half is either like a baby cicada or cicada that's kind of like uh just the shell.
• 44:11
  Eric: Oh, or is it like one like earlier in the fight, you just killed it, and like everyone's like, oh no, our favorite character died, but then like just as you're about to land the final like the final punch, it's it's like over by the self-destruct button.
• 44:23
  Eric: It's like son of a bitch.
• 44:24
  Eric: And like, now wait a minute.
• 44:25
  Matt: Are these cicadas, just clarification questionnaire, are these cicadas coming at you at once?
• 44:31
  Eric: Or is it one of god damn, in a row, we'll be here for days.
• 44:34
  Eric: Yeah, we're not doing this putty style, we're doing this, you know.
• 44:38
  Matt: Well, what if what if one you know Jolly Green giant-sized cicada comes out?
• 44:42
  Matt: Then what?
• 44:43
  Eric: Or if they form like if they like form up, like they form like a like a huge like a vague like a megasaur like a one cicada?
• 44:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I think that's a time where like I call him back up.
• 44:54
  SPEAKER_00: And also um I'll have like a baseball bat, you know, with me.
• 44:58
  unknown: Yep.
• 44:58
  SPEAKER_00: And uh a laser beam.
• 45:01
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, well, because then why the fuck not?
• 45:03
  SPEAKER_00: Why not?
• 45:04
  Matt: Why limit your weapons?
• 45:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I would I would never.
• 45:07
  Matt: Um sorry, Matthew, I just had to get that out of my system.
• 45:10
  Matt: Oh no, I'm glad you did.
• 45:12
  Matt: I'm gonna follow it up.
• 45:13
  Matt: Uh, just segue right into um a question that I think anyone with a phone has probably wondered at some point.
• 45:20
  Matt: What app doesn't exist, but you really, you know, wish it did.
• 45:25
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, so ready right now.
• 45:27
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 45:28
  SPEAKER_00: So it's a scanning app on your phone.
• 45:31
  SPEAKER_00: So you're driving, you scan the car next to you, and then it tells you why they're on the road.
• 45:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because have you ever been driving like at a random off hour that it's like you know, because like you're going to the beach or you're going on vacation or something like that.
• 45:47
  SPEAKER_00: But like, why are the other people on why the fuck are you out here?
• 45:53
  Matt: I I mean, those that is a very valid question that I think lots of people have wondered.
• 45:58
  Matt: And follow-up question: your wish is I wish I could roll this window down, stretch my hand out, scan this car.
• 46:09
  Matt: I assume you wish to not be noticed doing this.
• 46:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so it's um something I can do with the windows up, and I can do it a little bit um further away.
• 46:17
  SPEAKER_00: Even more.
• 46:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I realize it does sound invasive, but I don't really care about the people in the car.
• 46:22
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to know why they're on the road.
• 46:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 46:25
  Matt: Oh, so you don't want this 1984 situation to produce any personally identifiable information.
• 46:31
  SPEAKER_00: No, no.
• 46:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like, are they going to like a strawberry festival?
• 46:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I just want to know like where they're going.
• 46:36
  Matt: Oh, you just want one, like a one-sentence response.
• 46:39
  Matt: Circling the parking lot.
• 46:40
  Eric: One or two minor lot.
• 46:42
  Eric: Yeah.
• 46:42
  Eric: Yeah.
• 46:43
  Eric: I I wonder how many like in my neighborhood I'll get circling the parking lot until their dealer gets here.
• 46:50
  Matt: Oh, that's interesting.
• 46:51
  Matt: That's interesting.
• 46:54
  Matt: Well, huh.
• 46:55
  Matt: I have never considered this, but I guess I do wonder.
• 46:59
  Matt: I have been out there at night wondering, like, where are these other people going?
• 47:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know, are they getting into it?
• 47:05
  SPEAKER_00: Or like, let's say you're going to like a dentist appointment in the middle of the day on like a Tuesday.
• 47:11
  SPEAKER_00: And like, you know, you're out because you're going to the doctor, but why are all these other people out at 2 p.m.
• 47:16
  SPEAKER_00: on a Tuesday?
• 47:17
  Matt: You could find out some information you don't want to find out.
• 47:20
  Matt: Or I mean you do, but they don't want you to know.
• 47:22
  Matt: You know, like you're gonna get somebody who's like having an affair at Motel 6.
• 47:26
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's true.
• 47:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but like I want the tea.
• 47:28
  SPEAKER_00: I do.
• 47:29
  SPEAKER_00: I just I've gotta have the tea.
• 47:30
  SPEAKER_00: I want it.
• 47:31
  Matt: Put the kettle on.
• 47:32
  Matt: You know what it'd be really useful for when you're and I I I hope everyone can relate to this.
• 47:37
  Matt: When you're driving at night and you become aware that the car behind you has made like one or two of the same turns you have made.
• 47:47
  Matt: Oh, and you then have to go, Am I being followed?
• 47:50
  Matt: Am I being followed?
• 47:52
  Matt: Just a quick, quick pick in the rear view.
• 47:54
  Matt: I get the opposite and get the answer there.
• 47:56
  Eric: I get really stressed out when I'm on my way home and there's a car in front of me, and I have like I think we both live in the same neighborhood.
• 48:03
  Eric: It's like this motherfucker thinks I'm gonna murder them.
• 48:05
  Eric: Like, because we're making all the same turns.
• 48:08
  Eric: Um, like and I'm behind them.
• 48:10
  Eric: I'm like, no, please.
• 48:11
  Eric: I'm all like sometimes I'm like, I just need to go a slightly different way so they know they're not in danger.
• 48:16
  Matt: There has been one occasion where that has happened to me, and I have noticed the car in front of me has sped up.
• 48:24
  Eric: Oh, that's rap.
• 48:25
  Matt: Like, I clocked, like, oh, this is like the third or fourth turn.
• 48:29
  Matt: Like, we must be going to the like pretty similar locations.
• 48:33
  Matt: And I've noticed they like, after the third or fourth turn, like noticeably started driving faster.
• 48:39
  Eric: So I got bit in the ass hard once because it was happening to me.
• 48:45
  Eric: I was behind someone, we were making all the same turns.
• 48:47
  Matt: And they got too close and it was an accidental biting.
• 48:48
  SPEAKER_00: Is this yeah, just to clarify, actually or figuratively?
• 48:52
  Eric: Metaphysically.
• 48:53
  Eric: Metaphysically.
• 48:54
  Eric: Okay.
• 48:54
  Eric: Okay.
• 48:55
  Eric: So I was behind this person, we're making all the same turns.
• 48:57
  Eric: I make you know, we're making all the same turns.
• 48:59
  Eric: I made the game time decision.
• 49:00
  Eric: Okay, I'm just gonna go down this other side road so they don't think I'm following.
• 49:05
  Eric: Because it's like it's like eerily specific now.
• 49:08
  Eric: So I do that.
• 49:09
  Eric: I'm like, all right, cool, and then I'll just go this way.
• 49:11
  Eric: I end up going down, I see them parking in front of their house.
• 49:17
  Eric: I accidentally turned down the road that led to their house.
• 49:19
  Eric: So all they saw was the person who they might have thought was following them turn away, and then five minutes later, they're going past them on the road they live on in front of their house.
• 49:29
  Eric: And I just like, well, can't ever drive down this street ever again.
• 49:33
  Matt: Can't be seen here again.
• 49:35
  Eric: Nope, we're moving.
• 49:37
  Matt: Pack it up.
• 49:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's when it's time to move.
• 49:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 49:41
  Matt: Um, so Sarah, we're we're growing close to the end of our time together, I think.
• 49:47
  Matt: But I I think if I were to ask one more question, you and you can feel free to reject this, and we'll just start again with another thing.
• 49:56
  Matt: As a social media manager, do you have thoughts on I don't want to talk about necessarily the role social media plays in our lives, because I think we all know the truth there.
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_00: They're in control.
• 50:11
  Matt: But is there as someone who spends their time with social media, is there an uh an improvement or like a different network that you can foresee being the bright future of social media?
• 50:27
  Matt: Or perhaps a a needed correction to social media.
• 50:32
  SPEAKER_00: Interesting.
• 50:32
  SPEAKER_00: I think we would go backwards, like postcards.
• 50:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because I just think we're so social media is so connected that we're gonna get so intrusive that's gonna get to a point where like we need to like move back a little bit more to like old school communication.
• 50:46
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe there'll be an app that's like um the cans when you used to be able to like have cans or like to messages to people or like walkie-talkies.
• 50:56
  Eric: Do you remember something more old school?
• 50:59
  Eric: What was the cell phone?
• 51:01
  Eric: Was it T-Mobile that did the walkie-talkie phone?
• 51:04
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, my parents had those.
• 51:05
  SPEAKER_00: It was Nextel, actually.
• 51:06
  Eric: Nextel.
• 51:07
  Matt: It was the most dad shit on earth.
• 51:10
  Matt: Every dad in America was like, What is this?
• 51:13
  Matt: Karen, we gotta get this.
• 51:15
  Matt: Yo, you got your blue blue?
• 51:16
  SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah, it was my parents' first cell phones.
• 51:18
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 51:19
  Eric: Wow.
• 51:20
  Eric: So yeah, no, I'm not sure.
• 51:20
  Matt: Did they use the walkie-talkie function?
• 51:22
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, all the time, and preferably in public.
• 51:25
  Matt: Because like Lindsay and I both have because Apple Watch has sort of brought it back, and Lindsay and I have Apple Watches.
• 51:31
  Matt: It has a walkie-talkie function.
• 51:33
  Matt: We have never once used it.
• 51:35
  Eric: I wonder how pissed Lindsay would be if you did.
• 51:38
  Eric: If you just tried to fucking Lindsay, are you there?
• 51:41
  Eric: She's like, how dare you?
• 51:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I mean, I my parents are my dad, like likes all loud things in public.
• 51:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I recall one time growing up, we're like what we went to dinner, and then afterwards we're like kind of walking around like Joanne Fabrics or a Michaels, and like over the loudspeaker, we're like, it's like me, my dad, my brother, my sister, my mom.
• 52:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I recall hearing like my dad meet over the loud speaker'll say, like, can Sarah come to the front?
• 52:07
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like just because like he felt like he thought it was hilarious if he would go to customer service and say that like one of us was missing.
• 52:14
  SPEAKER_00: Of course.
• 52:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because why not?
• 52:16
  Matt: Oh, that's a creative usage of it.
• 52:21
  Matt: Um, so really, I guess your answer is you want to take us offline completely.
• 52:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think I think I want to take us offline a little is in conclusion.
• 52:29
  SPEAKER_00: I do.
• 52:32
  Matt: I do I do think clubhouse would be better if it literally meant just throwing cans out the window of a physical clubhouse than the backyard.
• 52:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, if clubhouse, like you had to have a clubhouse or a tree house.
• 52:45
  Matt: Required for joining tree house or clubhouse, yes.
• 52:48
  Eric: Your password to log in has to be audio recorded, and it has to be something like, you know, girls, girls' rule, boys are pieces of shit.
• 52:56
  SPEAKER_00: And um girls' rule is a girls with the Z.
• 52:59
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 53:00
  Eric: You have to articulate the Z.
• 53:01
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 53:02
  Matt: Umright Well, this has been enlightening.
• 53:06
  Matt: Uh, once again, Sarah, I think we we are two for two, poach, in guests elevating this podcast.
• 53:13
  Matt: Two for two, both of them have showed up.
• 53:15
  Matt: They might as well host the show.
• 53:17
  Eric: Yeah.
• 53:18
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, well, I I'm just I was honored to be invited.
• 53:21
  Matt: Well, thank you so much for joining us, and thank you for all these questions you provided.
• 53:26
  Matt: Keep them coming.
• 53:27
  Matt: I I mean, we got nine more from that list to hit.
• 53:30
  Matt: That's what I'm hearing.
• 53:31
  Matt: Oh, yeah.
• 53:31
  Eric: I I can't wait to talk about serial dust one day.
• 53:34
  Matt: Oh, we're gonna write, we're gonna write that down for sure.
• 53:38
  Matt: All right, well, thank you, Sarah.
• 53:40
  Matt: Bye, Sarah.
• 53:41
  Eric: Hello, welcome.
• 53:41
  Eric: Bye guys.
• 53:42
  Eric: You are a light in the darkness.
• 53:44
  unknown: Bye.
• 53:52
  Matt: Oh, man, what a what a delight she was.
• 53:55
  Eric: Sarah Feldman is an amazing human being.
• 53:58
  Eric: And I won't be as cruel as her when I grow up.
• 54:00
  Matt: I hope so.
• 54:01
  Matt: Uh we could it's something we can only aspire to.
• 54:04
  Matt: But in the meantime, Eric, I think we need to uh get the people what they really need, which is uh a full segment of the spin-off of Weird News Dumb Crime.
• 54:18
  Matt: Dumb crimes.
• 54:20
  Matt: So uh Weird News, Dumb Crimes, uh second edition, uh full edition, because you you didn't know I was gonna pull such a wild card.
• 54:28
  Eric: I I did not.
• 54:29
  Eric: I did not.
• 54:30
  Matt: Uh so do you have uh some uh dumb crime for you?
• 54:34
  Eric: I have a very dumb crime.
• 54:36
  Matt: I'm so fucking here for it, man.
• 54:37
  Eric: This is this was returned to me.
• 54:39
  Eric: This is from the 1920s.
• 54:41
  Eric: I don't have an exact day, I just know it is from like Prohibition era.
• 54:44
  Eric: It has nothing to do with prohibition, but I suspect that people's inability to drink during this time probably led to shit like this.
• 54:52
  Eric: So headline.
• 54:54
  Eric: Headline German is arrested as Phantom Barber.
• 54:59
  Eric: C morale attack.
• 55:01
  Matt: So Okay, I'm I'm here, I'm in.
• 55:04
  Matt: I'm in it.
• 55:05
  Eric: Pascagoula, Mississippi.
• 55:08
  Matt: I know I'm I'm sure you're saying it, right?
• 55:10
  Eric: Yep.
• 55:12
  Eric: Uh police chief A.W.
• 55:16
  Eric: Etzel claimed today that quote, the phantom barber, end quote, who broke into at least ten homes to cut the hair of the sleeping occupants is none other than William A.
• 55:31
  Eric: Dolan, 57, a German educated chemist.
• 55:36
  Eric: Okay.
• 55:37
  Eric: Dolan, Etzel announced, has been in jail for three weeks and is charged with attempted murder.
• 55:44
  Eric: Oh.
• 55:45
  Eric: While in jail.
• 55:47
  Eric: While no, no, no.
• 55:48
  Eric: The barber thing is him being charged with attempted murder.
• 55:52
  Eric: Okay, alright, continue.
• 55:53
  Eric: His motivation, Etzel charged, was to impair the morale of war workers.
• 56:01
  Eric: Dolan was charged in connection with an assault on Terrell Heidelberg and his wife by quote the Phantom Barber, the night of June 13th.
• 56:12
  Eric: They were beaten with an iron pipe and were the only victims of the barber who suffered physical harm beyond losing their hair.
• 56:22
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 56:23
  Matt: Okay.
• 56:24
  Eric: And that's it.
• 56:26
  Eric: That's all the facts.
• 56:27
  Matt: I am immediately I was immediately concerned when you started this by saying, and I'm I know this might be wrong, but you said war time and German chemist, and that's all I needed to be suspicious.
• 56:42
  Matt: Yeah.
• 56:42
  Eric: Though this was uh considering the time frame, this would have been like I'd say 1920, this probably would have been during World War I.
• 56:49
  Matt: You said war time and German chemist.
• 56:52
  Matt: Yes.
• 56:53
  Matt: And I became Germany.
• 56:54
  Matt: You got scared.
• 56:55
  Matt: Understanding.
• 56:56
  Matt: I don't think I was unfounded.
• 56:58
  Eric: No, no, no, that's that that is that is fair.
• 57:00
  Eric: That is fair.
• 57:01
  Matt: Wow.
• 57:02
  Matt: Just like I mean, he really wanted to be Sweeney Todd, is what it sounds like.
• 57:06
  Eric: Yeah, I don't like I have so many.
• 57:08
  Eric: I he wanted to be Sweeney Todd, but apparently he just cut hair, but on the tenth one, bam, lead pipe.
• 57:15
  Matt: Yeah, like he may he just couldn't figure out.
• 57:19
  Matt: Like you already have a deadly blade in your hand.
• 57:24
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 57:24
  Matt: But you just gotta get that bludgeon instead?
• 57:28
  Matt: I don't get it.
• 57:29
  Matt: I don't, man.
• 57:30
  Matt: I don't know.
• 57:31
  Matt: Well, that is dumb.
• 57:33
  Matt: That is a mystery to me.
• 57:34
  Eric: Well, yeah.
• 57:35
  Eric: And that's the end of Herr Dolan.
• 57:41
  Matt: Did it again, Poe.
• 57:44
  Matt: Uh all right, give me one second.
• 57:46
  Matt: I have to reload my thing.
• 57:48
  Matt: I'll be right back.
• 57:49
  Matt: Okay.
• 57:50
  Matt: Uh this is from September 30th of last year.
• 57:55
  Matt: Uh and this is once again from the smoking gun.
• 58:00
  Matt: Uh let me come in with the uh headline for you.
• 58:02
  Matt: Are you ready?
• 58:02
  Matt: Oh, please.
• 58:04
  Matt: Man knifed kin during almond milk row.
• 58:09
  Matt: Go on.
• 58:10
  Matt: An argument over whether almond milk or whole milk was the superior milk turned violent when a Florida man allegedly slashed his cousin with a pocket knife, according to the arrest report.
• 58:25
  Matt: Police responding Sunday afternoon to a disturbance at a home in Lehigh Acres arrested Justin Garcia, aged 30, for a aggravated battery, a felony.
• 58:35
  Matt: Garcia was freed yesterday from Lee County prison after posting$25,000 bond.
• 58:42
  Matt: According to the victim, he and Garcia engaged in, quote, a verbal argument about what milk is better, almond milk or whole milk.
• 58:52
  Matt: The dispute became physical when Garcia, quote, became enraged at the victim for disagreeing with him.
• 59:00
  Matt: Police and court records do not indicate which man was advocating in favor of the Damn it!
• 59:07
  Eric: Damn it, damn it, damn it.
• 59:08
  Matt: But listen closely to what's gonna come up here, because I think it's telling.
• 59:12
  Eric: Okay.
• 59:12
  Matt: Garcia punched his cousin in the forehead, attempt uh prompting the victim to strike Garcia in the shoulder.
• 59:18
  Matt: Garcia then allegedly pulled out a pocket knife with a three-inch blade and began chasing his cousin through the front yard of the Lehigh Acres residence.
• 59:28
  Matt: When Garcia caught up to his cousin, he slashed his kin, quote, on the left side of his torso, causing a small laceration.
• 59:36
  Matt: At this point, the victim's uncle interceded, holding back Garcia and separating the cousins until police arrived.
• 59:43
  Matt: The uncle told cops that he was working on a car on the driveway when he heard Garcia and the victim arguing over almond milk.
• 59:51
  Matt: After being read his rights, Garcia claimed that, quote, the victim came at him with a stick, prompting him to punch his cousin in self-defense.
• 1:00:01
  Matt: The victim, however, said that he, quote, thinks he is Oh, I'm sorry, the victim, Garcia said, quote, thinks he is better than the whole family.
• 1:00:13
  Matt: End quote.
• 1:00:14
  Eric: That is telling.
• 1:00:16
  Matt: Put a fork in that.
• 1:00:17
  Matt: A search of the Garcia turned up the knife in his pants pocket, the weapon was confiscated and placed in the evidence bag.
• 1:00:23
  Matt: Garcia, whose rap sheet includes convictions for drunk driving, carrying a concealed weapon, and probation violations, is scheduled for an arrangement arrangement.
• 1:00:32
  Matt: Arraignment on October 26th.
• 1:00:34
  Matt: The judge has ordered him to have no contact with the victim.
• 1:00:39
  Eric: No milk allowed.
• 1:00:40
  Eric: That's a whole milk guy.
• 1:00:42
  Eric: We all agree Garcia's a whole milk guy.
• 1:00:43
  Matt: Garcia is the whole milk guy.
• 1:00:45
  Matt: Because there is no way on earth you're gonna convince me that the person who thinks they're better than the whole family wasn't the almond milk guy.
• 1:00:55
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:00:56
  Matt: Okay, because like listen, I understand almond milk is having its moment in the sun.
• 1:01:01
  Matt: My own wife loves that almond milk.
• 1:01:04
  Matt: Okay?
• 1:01:05
  SPEAKER_03: But he still loves it regardless.
• 1:01:07
  Matt: She despite this glaring fault.
• 1:01:12
  Matt: Despite her ailment.
• 1:01:15
  Matt: Despite her ailment.
• 1:01:17
  Matt: Um the oh man.
• 1:01:21
  Matt: Despite all this, uh I have to bring up, I have to be the guy.
• 1:01:27
  Matt: I know, I know this is gonna get me into uh here's this guy.
• 1:01:31
  Matt: Be the guy.
• 1:01:33
  Matt: It's not fucking milk.
• 1:01:37
  Eric: Yeah, it's almond juice.
• 1:01:38
  Matt: It's not fucking milk.
• 1:01:41
  Matt: And I know this has been done to death.
• 1:01:42
  Matt: Lewis Black's probably got the best bit.
• 1:01:45
  Eric: Yeah, it's all yeah, it's soy juice.
• 1:01:47
  Matt: It's soy juice, it's almond juice, and you can't tell me you want to drink almond juice.
• 1:01:54
  Matt: And listen, this is coming from somebody who has questionable dairy situation going on right now.
• 1:02:00
  Matt: I'm drinking the milk.
• 1:02:02
  Matt: All right, and I know, I know there are anti-milkers out there right now.
• 1:02:06
  Matt: Now, listen, I grew up on 2%.
• 1:02:09
  Matt: I grew up on whole milk.
• 1:02:10
  Matt: But when I got whole milk, it was like a fucking treat, man.
• 1:02:14
  Matt: Like when I first had a bowl of like lucky charms with whole milk, holy shit, it's a whole different level.
• 1:02:21
  Eric: Oh yeah.
• 1:02:22
  Eric: I I do two percent now.
• 1:02:24
  Eric: I've I've I've you know calmed down, but man, when I whole milk's treat.
• 1:02:29
  Matt: Yeah, I only do milk these days in like lattes.
• 1:02:34
  Matt: That's pretty much it.
• 1:02:35
  Matt: Okay.
• 1:02:36
  Matt: All right.
• 1:02:37
  Matt: Well, that I think that'll about do it for this week's dumb crime.
• 1:02:40
  Matt: Uh, if you have any of those, by all means send them our way.
• 1:02:44
  Matt: Um, you know, you can do so at you didn't ask for this at gmail.com.
• 1:02:49
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:02:49
  Matt: You can do so at you didn't ask pod.
• 1:02:52
  Matt: That's the letter you, that's the letter you didn't ask pod on Instagram and Twitter.
• 1:02:58
  Eric: You can also do it by committing a dumb crime around the Maryland area.
• 1:03:03
  Matt: You can also do it by committing a dumb crime.
• 1:03:05
  Matt: And we'll go do some dumb crimes.
• 1:03:06
  Matt: Do not dumb enough that it's gonna get on the Google somewhere.
• 1:03:11
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:03:12
  Matt: Um and also, uh, thank you all for listening so much.
• 1:03:17
  Matt: Uh, you know we appreciate it.
• 1:03:19
  Matt: And if you appreciate the show, go ahead, drop a review, okay?
• 1:03:23
  Eric: Just drop, just drop it in.
• 1:03:26
  Matt: Go on the the Apple the Apple Podcasts app that you are currently listening to.
• 1:03:30
  Matt: Just refresh your phone, scroll down a little bit, and put it in there.
• 1:03:35
  Matt: It'll help us out.
• 1:03:36
  unknown: It'll just help us out.
• 1:03:37
  Eric: It'll just help us out a little bit.
• 1:03:39
  Eric: Help us adopt more guests.
• 1:03:40
  Matt: And that'll do it, folks, for uh episode 18 here of You Didn't Ask for This.
• 1:03:45
  Matt: My name's Matt Shea.
• 1:03:47
  Matt: My name's Eric Poach.
• 1:03:49
  Matt: And you didn't ask.
• 1:03:50
  Eric: But you may have a Billy budget, but you gotta have Hemnes Dreams.
• 1:03:54
  Eric: Get the Hemnes dreams, baby.
• 1:03:59
  Matt: Sweet, sweet Hemnes Dreams.
• 1:04:02
  Matt: Hemnes dreams are made of the Oh yeah, hell.
• 1:04:06
  Matt: Who am I?
• 1:04:08
  Eric: Can you build the five?