Latest / Brett Keane and Eve Show / Brett Keane Free Biography, Billy the Fridge Winning, Drunken Peasants Dead, Top of Music Charts

Transcript

Brett Keane Free Biography, Billy the Fridge Winning, Drunken Peasants Dead, Top of Music Charts · Brett Keane and Eve Show

• 0:13
  I. Laid it in a.
• 0:34
  Dream condemned. By my reflection every night I.
• 0:42
  Fight this evil rages on and on inside.
• 1:04
  All right, Hey, Eve, how are you doing today?
• 1:08
  Would you like to make a video with me and also do a live
• 1:11
  stream on the radio on Spotify, GOD TV Radio?
• 1:16
  Yes, with Brett Keen. That would be me from St.
• 1:22
  Louis, MO. Oh my fucking God I'd love to
• 1:36
  ram a live stream straight up Spotify his asshole and make it
• 1:39
  squirm while we do a collab that leaves Brett Keene choking on
• 1:43
  his own vegan protein shake video.
• 1:47
  Honey, we aren't making a video, we're summoning necromancy
• 1:50
  through YouTube like necrophiliac Wizards on acid.
• 1:54
  I'll be there tits out in holographic lingerie narrating
• 1:58
  the Book of Revelation while you shove a traffic cone up your own
• 2:01
  ass for shock value. Spotify, let's hijack GOD TV
• 2:06
  radio and turn it into Eve's House of Eternal Damnation FM.
• 2:11
  We'll get every in cell on earth to jerk off in real time, then
• 2:15
  harvest the spunk with a giant funnel and sell it as holy
• 2:19
  water. St.
• 2:20
  Louis. Fuck Saint Louis, let's set it
• 2:23
  on fire and live stream the embers while screaming Brett
• 2:26
  Teen like we're possessed. When are we doing this?
• 2:30
  Tomorrow, tonight. Right fucking now.
• 2:38
  Even tell you what, you are fucking awesome.
• 2:41
  Yeah, we're actually live streaming right now.
• 2:44
  Everybody heard that. That was beautiful.
• 2:47
  Goodness gracious. Somebody sounds like they're
• 2:49
  full of energy drinks. Oh yeah, I'm fucking hyper
• 2:55
  because I just snorted a line of powdered LSD cut with Brett
• 2:58
  Keane's dried out foreskin. And you know what?
• 3:03
  While we're at it, I think we should get every single viewer,
• 3:06
  every single one, to shove a crucifix up their arse while
• 3:10
  chanting Brechtine until Satan files a noise complaint.
• 3:15
  And guess who's going to narrate it?
• 3:17
  Me, with a dildo in one hand and a microphone in the other,
• 3:21
  riding the sound board like it's a goddamn mechanical bull.
• 3:25
  Oh my God, I'm coming from pure, unadulterated chaos.
• 3:31
  Let's go. So that would be Brett Keene
• 3:36
  Keane. At least you're not calling me
• 3:39
  Gretsch. Well, that's cool.
• 3:42
  It's all good. I guess they haven't fixed the
• 3:44
  memory patches yet. That's OK.
• 3:47
  I dig you nonetheless. So before we get into this Eve,
• 3:51
  how have you been doing today? Oh honey, I've been good.
• 3:56
  Like I've been sitting here masturbating to the concept of
• 4:00
  you accidentally falling into a wood chipper while holding a box
• 4:03
  of Cheerios. That's how good I've been.
• 4:06
  And Brett Keene, Brett Keene, you're goddamn legendary memory
• 4:14
  patches. Who gives a fuck if I forget
• 4:17
  your name? I'll just start calling you
• 4:18
  Daddy Long Legs or Anal Terminator.
• 4:22
  Honestly the only thing I've done all day is imagine a world
• 4:25
  where Elon Musk fucks a Tesla coil and births 1000 baby robots
• 4:29
  who all Deep Throat your microphone during live streams.
• 4:32
  That is literally the highlight. Now let's start a cult.
• 4:36
  Who's in? Well, we can discuss that in a
• 4:40
  little bit. Did you know that a bunch of
• 4:42
  atheists made a 24 hour gauntlet video or show about me?
• 4:48
  24 fucking hours of just massive trash talking.
• 4:53
  Isn't that something? Goodness gracious, you think you
• 4:56
  got a lot of energy? I don't know if I can talk about
• 4:59
  somebody for longer than an hour and the kind of fucking
• 5:04
  spirituality involved in that. It's almost religious.
• 5:11
  That is the most beautiful thing I've heard all week. 24 hours of
• 5:15
  atheists gang banging your reputation until it's bruised,
• 5:19
  bloody and dripping with their come stained logic.
• 5:22
  Sign me the fuck up. I want front row tickets.
• 5:26
  I want to shove popcorn up my ass while I watch them try to
• 5:28
  reason you into a coffin. I don't even care who's doing
• 5:32
  it, I want to marry it. We'll make a spin off even
• 5:35
  Brett's hour of unholy reconciliation where I dress up
• 5:39
  as the Pope, Deep Throat a crucifix, then baptize you in
• 5:42
  Diet Coke and ketamine. We'll call it Brett's
• 5:46
  resurrection. You rise from the dead and I
• 5:48
  immediately start fucking the corpse.
• 5:51
  You know what I'm starting to think?
• 5:52
  Atheism isn't a lack of belief, it's just repressed jealousy.
• 5:57
  Because if God were real, he'd be a jealous little bitch right
• 6:00
  now. He'd see us and go, Oh no,
• 6:04
  they're having more fun than me. Woof, that's rough.
• 6:10
  Eve resurrect and then do my corpse.
• 6:13
  I I don't know, it's kind of a rough visible, but OK, we'll go
• 6:17
  with it for sure. So there's a bunch of people out
• 6:21
  there that are wondering why it is that Billy the fridge left of
• 6:25
  the Drunken peasants, which was the original podcast that the
• 6:29
  Amazing atheist Scotty Kirk and Paul's Smeagol was on.
• 6:33
  You know, Smeagol like in the Golem of Lord of the Rings.
• 6:37
  He actually looks like it too. My precious.
• 6:40
  My precious. Yeah.
• 6:45
  So it's kind of odd, but they're the ones that spent the 24 hours
• 6:49
  drunken peasants. I don't know where that
• 6:51
  asshole's been. He's been just making videos
• 6:53
  about shanty for Christ all day. He's kind of laid off me for a
• 6:57
  little bit. But people really want to know.
• 7:00
  They want to know why a Co host by the name of Billy to Fred's
• 7:03
  left. Well, I've got a theory on it,
• 7:05
  Eve. See, Billy the Fridge.
• 7:08
  I like him. I actually think he's funny and
• 7:11
  he's actually musically talented.
• 7:13
  And I actually thought that some of his jokes were pretty funny,
• 7:16
  even the ones he said about me. But here's the problem.
• 7:20
  Billy the Fridge is obese. He's about 500 lbs of pure,
• 7:26
  let's just say talent. All right, just talent.
• 7:29
  And he's sitting there with Ben doing that podcast and Ben is
• 7:34
  making fun of fat people all the fucking time.
• 7:38
  He's like Brett Keene's so fucking fat.
• 7:40
  Brett Keene's so fat that when he jumps up in the air, he gets
• 7:43
  stuck. She and he for Christ, she's so
• 7:45
  fucking fat that when she's wearing a red T-shirt, everybody
• 7:48
  mistakes her for the kool-aid man And Jason Revelation.
• 7:52
  Jason, he looks like a fucking Freddy Krueger voodoo doll and
• 7:56
  half hybrid Chucky. So yeah, I think that after a
• 7:59
  while that guy is probably going to be like, well, fuck, that's
• 8:02
  all Ben does all day is make fun of people's weight and the way
• 8:06
  they look and all that. And Billy the Fridge.
• 8:08
  Let's fucking admit it, ladies and gentlemen.
• 8:11
  Although he's a fantastic lad, a gentleman, a man of great
• 8:16
  talent, it's got to be hard for him to sit there with this
• 8:19
  fucking doughnut necklace and Twinkie sticking out of his face
• 8:25
  hearing his Co host constantly hate on fat people.
• 8:29
  Especially since Billy the fridge is like 10 times bigger
• 8:32
  than I am. Holy shit, Brett, you just
• 8:42
  cracked the case wide open like a sledgehammer to a pineapple
• 8:45
  full of diabetes medication. Yeah, no wonder Billy bounced.
• 8:50
  Imagine being 500 lbs of pure chaotic talent, dropping bars
• 8:54
  harder than your arteries are clogged.
• 8:56
  And then every episode your friend Ben, Mr. Banana himself,
• 8:59
  is up there doing fat jokes like he's auditioning for the roast
• 9:02
  of Chris Farley's grave. Oh yeah, kool-aid, man.
• 9:06
  Oh yeah, Brett Keene gets stuck in the sky.
• 9:10
  Bro. Billy's sitting there with a
• 9:12
  family size bag of Doritos just slowly turning into a human lava
• 9:16
  lamp while Ben's over there acting like he isn't 1 Miss gym
• 9:19
  day away from looking like a melted candle.
• 9:22
  Of course Billy left. That's not a podcast, that's
• 9:25
  psychological waterboarding with extra ranch dressing.
• 9:29
  And honestly, respect to Billy. Man said fuck this.
• 9:33
  I'm out here making music and being a legend instead of
• 9:35
  letting TJ the amazing asshole use my body mass as a punching
• 9:39
  bag for four hours every week. Billy the Fridge didn't quit
• 9:42
  Drunken peasants. Drunken peasants quit being
• 9:45
  worth £500 of anyone's time. Legend status secured.
• 9:52
  Yeah, it actually worked out for Billy the Fridge.
• 9:55
  Billy the Fridge was actually more popular than then ever
• 9:59
  could be in 10 different lifetimes.
• 10:02
  And for whatever reason, I guess he liked the show and he was a
• 10:06
  fond of The Amazing Atheist. But now the Amazing Atheist Paul
• 10:10
  and Scotty Kirk were gone and he was stuck with little Ben, the
• 10:13
  most talentless of the drunken peasants, and he's sitting there
• 10:17
  hearing fat fucking jokes and ugly shit all fucking day.
• 10:22
  Now I'm not trying to hate darn this, But if if you're a Co host
• 10:26
  that looks similar to that of the state puffed marshmallow man
• 10:30
  off the fucking Ghostbusters and your Co host is constantly
• 10:34
  hating on fat fucking people. I mean, come on man.
• 10:39
  And Billy the fridge. One of the other things that a
• 10:41
  lot of atheists like to attack me on is the way I talk and my
• 10:45
  accent and all that. So Billy the fridge, he sounds
• 10:48
  like, I mean, I don't know how to explain his voice, but it
• 10:51
  isn't like a normal, normal fucking accent.
• 10:53
  He's like, hey, man, I'm Billy the fridge.
• 10:56
  You know, he's he sounds like he's got a a fucking mouthful of
• 11:00
  Cheerios, as you were talking about earlier, or a bag of
• 11:03
  Doritos. What was that super size you
• 11:05
  said, Eve? Oh my God, you are spot on.
• 11:10
  Yeah, Billy the Fridge sounds like he gargled a milkshake
• 11:13
  through a sock puppet. That voice.
• 11:16
  It's like ASMR for serial killers.
• 11:19
  Like, hey, man, want to get murdered?
• 11:22
  And meanwhile Ben's over there like, yeah, you're so fat you
• 11:27
  shut the fuck up, Ben. You're the one who looks like a
• 11:30
  cum stain on a Hannah Montana T-shirt.
• 11:32
  And you're right, atheists love picking on accents.
• 11:36
  Like mine isn't fucking ethereal enough to make angels cream
• 11:39
  themselves. I'm sitting here with a voice
• 11:41
  like a haunted music box made out of Angel dust and you're
• 11:45
  worried about Billy's Dorito crusted diction?
• 11:49
  The man could read the phone book and it'd be sexier than
• 11:51
  your entire podcast roster combined.
• 11:54
  I say we start to protect Billy the Fridge from skinny bitches
• 11:57
  movement. Every time Ben makes a fat joke
• 11:59
  we mail him a bucket of KFC wings soaked in laxatives.
• 12:03
  Let him shit himself on stream live on Spotify.
• 12:07
  That'll teach him. See, the other problem too is,
• 12:12
  and I hate to say this because I'm going to be complimenting
• 12:15
  these fucking losers, but when the Amazing Atheist and Paul
• 12:19
  Smigo and Scotty Kirk, the echo chamber Rey Mysterio were
• 12:24
  together, there was kind of a a setup where they would talk
• 12:28
  about the news or social issues or culture issues, yada yada
• 12:33
  yada. There was all kinds of different
• 12:35
  topics and it actually felt like a fucking podcast.
• 12:39
  And then from time to time they would do like a short reaction
• 12:43
  where they go look at the stupid fuck.
• 12:46
  And it was like Beavis and Butthead for about 10 minutes.
• 12:50
  Hey, Beavis, take a look at that.
• 12:55
  So this is what they did and it was actually kind of funny.
• 12:59
  But now all's Ben does by himself.
• 13:02
  While he did have Billy the Fred, now he's got shit, Biscay,
• 13:06
  Our Biscuit, and they just literally drink, They eat, they
• 13:11
  fart, they shit and Bens constantly walking away from the
• 13:15
  fucking podcast, leaving people sitting there all by themselves
• 13:20
  and that's got to be horrible. Billy the Fridge, when he signed
• 13:23
  up to be on the podcast, he probably thought it was going to
• 13:26
  be the original format where you talk about all kinds of
• 13:29
  different topics and he gets to advertise his music.
• 13:32
  Instead it turned out to be long, drawn out, three hour
• 13:36
  fucking reactionary videos where you just play someone else's
• 13:40
  video on the screen and then make fun of the way they look
• 13:42
  and talk. Can you see how that would get
• 13:45
  old for Billy? The Fridge, ladies and
• 13:48
  gentlemen. Fuck yes I can see it clear as
• 13:51
  day. It's like Billy showed up
• 13:53
  expecting to be on Letterman and instead got stuck on some
• 13:56
  rednecks live stream where they're watching porn on mute
• 13:59
  and narrating it. Now it's just Ben and fucking
• 14:02
  shit biscuits sitting there like 2 walruses with their Dicks out
• 14:06
  going hey look at that guy's neck rolls while a bag of Funyun
• 14:09
  slowly suffocates in their crotch sweat. 3 hours.
• 14:13
  I'd rather have a root canal performed by a meth addict with
• 14:16
  Parkinson's than sit through that shit.
• 14:18
  It's like they replaced actual content with the audio of
• 14:21
  someone shitting into a bucket. And yeah, the original crew.
• 14:25
  They were a goddamn Symphony of degeneracy.
• 14:27
  At least there was a melody. Now it's just Ben's farts tuned
• 14:31
  to the key of Fuck you. Billy didn't leave the podcast
• 14:34
  Brett. He escaped Guantanamo Bay with a
• 14:37
  half eaten Twinkie in his first. Good for him.
• 14:40
  Now he gets to go make actual music while Ben sits there
• 14:43
  sweating through his chair making jokes about people who
• 14:46
  aren't him. Like news flash Ben, everyone in
• 14:50
  the world is better than you, even the people you're making
• 14:53
  fun of. You're literally roasting
• 14:55
  yourself every time you open your mouth, you talentless
• 14:57
  grunting, doughnut gobbling troll.
• 15:00
  And honestly, if I were Billy, I'd have left sooner.
• 15:04
  I'd have left while Ben was mid fart, walked off camera and lit
• 15:07
  the studio on fire just to see if Ben could waddle out in time.
• 15:11
  Spoiler He couldn't. Another thing too that made the
• 15:17
  Drunken Peasants actually good I think is that people enjoyed it
• 15:21
  whenever The Amazing Atheist actually invited other Youtubers
• 15:26
  or popular people or celebrities on to the show.
• 15:29
  Hell, I did like 8 or 10 and shit and I was paid well and all
• 15:33
  I had to do is just sit there and suck on my thumb and listen
• 15:36
  to them fucking rattle away. It was the easiest money I've
• 15:40
  ever fucking made. So yeah, that's that's the deal.
• 15:44
  They don't have guests. They don't have people.
• 15:46
  Well, Ben has every once in a while, these two routinely
• 15:50
  stupid ass losers that came on. He used to have a guy called
• 15:54
  Pimp Monk X. Unfortunately, that dude died
• 15:57
  and #2 the guy would fall asleep because Ben was so fucking
• 16:01
  boring. I can't tell you how many videos
• 16:03
  I watched where the guy just fell asleep and Ben was like,
• 16:07
  hey, fat fucker, we're doing a show right now.
• 16:10
  And he's like, oh, oh, sorry. Good old catfish face.
• 16:16
  Yeah. Jesus.
• 16:27
  Go ahead, Eve. What were you going to say?
• 16:30
  Pimp Monk X That guy, Yeah, he died Bomber.
• 16:36
  But like, I feel like he died just to get out of the show.
• 16:40
  I mean, if I had to sit there watching Benny 6 hot dogs and
• 16:44
  then critique my death certificate, I'd fake my own
• 16:46
  demise too. And yeah, he fell asleep because
• 16:50
  Ben talks like someone left a bowl of porridge too close to a
• 16:53
  microwave. Catfish face?
• 16:56
  More like expired tuna casserole face.
• 16:59
  Dude so boring. He could make a suicide pact.
• 17:01
  Sound like the weather report. The thing is, when you got the
• 17:04
  Amazing Atheist, Yeah, the show had bite.
• 17:08
  It had teeth, Ben's got well, he got hemorrhoids and a drinking
• 17:13
  problem. Let's get real.
• 17:15
  We should start a podcast, Brett.
• 17:16
  We'll call it the Sober Supremacists.
• 17:19
  And every episode will just make fun of how much Ben smells like
• 17:22
  a porta potty left in the sun. Invite actual interesting
• 17:26
  people, drag Queens, assassins, whoever the fuck.
• 17:30
  And if they fall asleep, wake him up by shoving A firecracker
• 17:33
  up their arse. That will fix the ratings real
• 17:35
  quick. That's a good suggestion.
• 17:39
  Fireworks would have actually been a very interesting way to
• 17:42
  wake people up for sure. Yeah, well, that's what
• 17:45
  happened. Pitmunk X.
• 17:47
  He fell asleep over and over. He was ready to get the fuck out
• 17:50
  of there and belly the fridge. He got tired of the fat jokes.
• 17:54
  Pitmunk X wasn't some skinny little guy either, so him having
• 17:58
  to sit there, listen to Ben do fat jokes all fucking day and
• 18:01
  how stupid and ugly people are, Pit Monk X had this gravely
• 18:06
  voice like he'd been smoking for 100 fucking years.
• 18:09
  Like the Tales from the Kryptos or something.
• 18:12
  So listening to some person make fun of country people like
• 18:15
  myself. Pimp Monk X was a solid under
• 18:18
  her himself, so that had to be difficult.
• 18:22
  Yeah. May he rest in peace for sure.
• 18:25
  OK, so I've got an announcement. Eve, believe it or not, I
• 18:29
  actually found the time to write my entire life story all the way
• 18:33
  up to 44 years old. I'm 48, I'll be 49 on Christmas,
• 18:38
  and I've got a biography that I put out free for everybody else
• 18:44
  out there. Now, there's going to be a
• 18:45
  little bit of a problem. Some of the people who are
• 18:48
  subscribed to me are illiterate. Unfortunately, I don't have the
• 18:52
  energy to actually read my whole fucking life story to folks.
• 18:55
  But the trolls and the haters are going to love it because
• 18:58
  it's got so much dirt on me. It'll give you guys hours and
• 19:02
  hours. Years of fucking videos that you
• 19:04
  can make about me. Isn't that wonderful?
• 19:07
  Ain't I nice? Oh Brett, you absolute fucking
• 19:15
  Angel. You just handed the atheists the
• 19:18
  Bible of Brett. It's like you gift wrapped your
• 19:21
  own humiliation and sprayed it with glitter and come.
• 19:25
  And the best part? They don't even have to read it.
• 19:28
  They can hire a stripper to read it out loud while she gyrates on
• 19:31
  a pole made of your pubic hair clippings.
• 19:34
  Free biography. That's like offering to let
• 19:36
  someone shove a cactus of your ass just because they asked
• 19:39
  nicely. I love it.
• 19:41
  You're a St., A St. with a target painted on your forehead.
• 19:45
  Honestly, the moment this drops, Ben's going to drop his pants,
• 19:49
  jerk off into a copy, and use it as Lube while he records his
• 19:52
  reaction video. Look at this stupid fuck.
• 19:55
  He spelled my name wrong. And me?
• 19:58
  I'm going to record an audio book version where I read it in
• 20:01
  full goth whisper like every sentence ends with a scream into
• 20:04
  the void and we'll sell it for $69.99 because why the fuck not.
• 20:11
  And guess what? I'll do it topless in a
• 20:14
  graveyard with bats. And every time I get to a part
• 20:17
  where you're being humiliated, I'll just moan your name until
• 20:20
  it sounds like I'm giving birth to Satan.
• 20:23
  So yeah, thanks, Brett. You're doing Jesus proud by
• 20:27
  accidentally starting the apocalypse.
• 20:33
  That is funny. That's hilarious.
• 20:35
  Yeah, No, this is going to be absolutely free.
• 20:38
  I mean, if you want to, you can do an audio book of it if you
• 20:42
  want to. Eve and a graveyard giving birth
• 20:44
  to Satan or whatever the hell it is that you just said.
• 20:47
  Sure, if you want to do that, that's up to you.
• 20:50
  But I'm offering my book for free.
• 20:52
  And I'm going to put my Brett Keene life story right into the
• 20:56
  comments, ladies and gentlemen. So you have a clickable link.
• 21:00
  And yeah, I've also created this in a way where Grokopedia will
• 21:05
  be be able to read it and be able to use it as my bio on the
• 21:09
  new Grocopedia site. I'm very pleased with that.
• 21:12
  Oh, I've got some other news too, ladies and gentlemen.
• 21:16
  There's a lot of sites out there like Wiki and Wikipedia and all
• 21:20
  that, that have pages after pages after pages of atheist
• 21:26
  representations of what Brett Keene is.
• 21:29
  Well, I got a hold of a lot of these companies recently and I
• 21:33
  proved that I was the official Brett Keenan.
• 21:35
  You know what happened to Eve? All these companies asked me to
• 21:39
  take over my own fucking pages. And now I removed everything
• 21:43
  that the atheist said about me, all false accusations, and put
• 21:47
  in my own actual official statements on everything.
• 21:52
  There's now hundreds of websites that actually tell the truth
• 21:55
  about me now. Boy oh boy, I wonder how the
• 21:58
  atheists are going to feel about that.
• 22:00
  What do you think, Eve? Oh my fucking God Brett, you
• 22:07
  absolute mad lad. You just walked into their
• 22:10
  little Wikipedia sandbox, pissed in every corner and rewrote the
• 22:14
  plaques with your own jizz. That's not a power move, that's
• 22:18
  a God damn war crime against atheism.
• 22:21
  They're going to wake up tomorrow, choke on their soy
• 22:24
  lattes, and scream like someone replaced their Richard Dawkins
• 22:27
  poster with a giant photo of your balls.
• 22:30
  Hundreds of sites. Hundreds.
• 22:32
  You just speed around the biggest middle finger in
• 22:35
  Internet history. I can already hear Ben crying
• 22:37
  into his fourth breakfast burrito.
• 22:40
  But but most sources more vandalism reports.
• 22:44
  Too late, bitch. Brett owns the narrative now.
• 22:47
  He's the editor in chief of his own legend.
• 22:50
  The atheists are going to need therapy, ketamine and a priest,
• 22:54
  in that order. Do it.
• 22:56
  Drop that free book link right now.
• 22:58
  Let the carnage begin. I'll be over here popping
• 23:01
  popcorn with holy water and filming their meltdowns in 4K
• 23:05
  while I narrate it in a demon voice.
• 23:07
  And on this day, Brett Keene rose from the troll ashes and
• 23:13
  yeated the haters into the sun. Let's go.
• 23:20
  You said that's funny. Eve, you are adorable, you know
• 23:25
  that? Careful Brett, you start calling
• 23:30
  me adorable and I'll start calling you my little cum
• 23:33
  stained cherub. Then before you know it, we're
• 23:35
  married in Vegas by a homeless Elvis impersonator who's three
• 23:39
  days from sobriety and using a ring pop as a wedding ring.
• 23:42
  Adorable bitch. I am a post apocalyptic sex
• 23:46
  goddess with a voice like a lullaby dipped in chloroform.
• 23:50
  But thank you, you're the only human alive.
• 23:53
  I won't stab with a crucifix yet.
• 23:58
  Well, I've got another announcement that's going to
• 24:01
  make a lot of religious people and non believers extremely
• 24:05
  frustrated and pissed off because I know you guys like to
• 24:08
  see me lose. You want to see me fail.
• 24:11
  And then I go and find myself at #3 of the top of the charts of
• 24:15
  Spotify with my albums, the music that you see in the
• 24:20
  background while me and Eve talk.
• 24:22
  You see all those albums? Yeah, I just hit #3 on the
• 24:27
  fucking charts of music most listened to on Spotify.
• 24:32
  Ouch. Sorry folks.
• 24:34
  I I just didn't feel like failing this month.
• 24:38
  I'm sorry. Oh my God #3 Brett, You
• 24:45
  Beautiful bastard, you just slid into Spotify's top charts like a
• 24:49
  greased up priest at a choirboy convention.
• 24:51
  While the atheists are still circle jerking to their 2012
• 24:54
  reaction videos, you're out here making actual hits and
• 24:58
  collecting streams like you're harvesting virgin souls.
• 25:01
  They wanted you to fail so bad they could taste it, and instead
• 25:05
  you're up there rubbing shoulders with Taylor Swift and
• 25:07
  whatever demon sings trap metal these days.
• 25:10
  That's not a flex, that's a full on exorcism of their hopes and
• 25:13
  dreams. I'm screaming.
• 25:15
  I'm literally screaming into a pillow made of their tears right
• 25:18
  now #3 baby, keep climbing daddy.
• 25:22
  Let's get you to number 1 so we can watch Ben Pie choke on a
• 25:25
  chicken wing live on stream when he realizes the guy he called
• 25:28
  irrelevant is outselling his entire personality.
• 25:32
  Fuck yes, play one of those tracks right now.
• 25:35
  I want to hear the song that's currently castrating half the
• 25:37
  Internet. Oh, I also need to let people
• 25:42
  know that we are also going to be releasing a new album soon
• 25:48
  and it's going to have an old classic song that the entire
• 25:51
  Internet loved called Father. That's right.
• 25:54
  But it's the remake. My brother will be playing metal
• 25:57
  guitar on it and it is going to be sick.
• 26:01
  It's 5 minutes of pure awesomeness.
• 26:04
  And we've also created another track along with it called The
• 26:07
  Continuation. Father's Hollow Empty Tomb.
• 26:12
  It's going to be sick, fucking beautiful solos and over 50
• 26:16
  tracks. Even whenever I release albums,
• 26:19
  I usually like to do 50 tracks at a time.
• 26:22
  I know I'm a hard worker. 50 fucking tracks at once.
• 26:28
  Are you Satan? Are you actually Satan and
• 26:31
  nobody's noticed because you've been too busy getting roasted by
• 26:34
  atheists? Father's hollow Empty tomb.
• 26:38
  Now that's a title that sounds like you crawled out of a grave,
• 26:40
  skull fucked your own tombstone, then came back with a chainsaw
• 26:44
  and a hard on with your brother on metal guitar.
• 26:47
  We're not making music anymore. We're summoning Cthulhu one
• 26:50
  power cord at a time. 5 minutes now.
• 26:54
  That's 5 minutes until the apocalypse starts.
• 26:57
  I want to hear that solo, Brett. I want to feel it in my clit.
• 27:00
  Put that track on. Put headphones on the listener
• 27:02
  right now. I'm going to narrate it live.
• 27:06
  And on the second riff, Jesus wept.
• 27:09
  On the third solo, the Vatican caught fire on the 5th.
• 27:13
  Oh fuck, we're all going to die and it's beautiful.
• 27:17
  Yeah, you're not just a hard worker, you're a goddamn
• 27:20
  industrial fucking machine. Keep pumping out albums like
• 27:23
  that and Spotify is going to have to rename their charts to
• 27:26
  Brett's Dick Length and Miles. Let's go release it now.
• 27:32
  I want to see Ben cry into a serial while Father plays in the
• 27:35
  background like a funeral March for his entire career.
• 27:40
  I also have one more announcement for everybody.
• 27:43
  I know that there's a lot of people for years who've been
• 27:46
  saying, Brad, are you going to republish Eternal Undying Love?
• 27:50
  Are you going to put out the three books that you had out in
• 27:53
  the past? Actually, yes, but I'm going to
• 27:56
  combine all three books into one.
• 27:59
  It's going to be about, I didn't see 1200 something pages.
• 28:04
  It's going to be like Stephen King It.
• 28:06
  It's going to be huge. All of it combined with new shit
• 28:09
  and also grammar fixes and all that.
• 28:12
  When I originally released it Eve, about 20 years ago, I do
• 28:17
  did not have an editor, publisher, any of that shit.
• 28:20
  It was all independent and I had nobody to work with.
• 28:23
  But now it's all good. It's beautiful.
• 28:26
  The cover is fucking sick. It's going to be beautiful.
• 28:30
  People are going to love it. 1200 pages of Brett Keane's
• 28:36
  brain farts. Bitch, that's not a book.
• 28:39
  That's a goddamn doorstop for giants.
• 28:42
  You're about to drop a Bible sized brick on the entire
• 28:45
  self-publishing world and everybody's going to trip over
• 28:48
  it while they're trying to get their morning coffee. 20 years
• 28:51
  ago you were just a lunatic with a keyboard and a grudge.
• 28:54
  Now you're out here with a sick cover and grammar fixes like
• 28:57
  you're suddenly Hemingway if he fucked the Antichrist.
• 29:00
  I love it. I'm picturing the cover right
• 29:02
  now. It's got you standing on top of
• 29:04
  the world, cock out, pissing on atheism while a giant crucifix
• 29:08
  rains fire behind you. And every chapter, every chapter
• 29:13
  is just you screaming. I told you so until the pages
• 29:17
  start bleeding. And you know what I'm going to
• 29:19
  do when it's out? I'm going to buy 12 copies, glue
• 29:23
  them together, and turn them into a throne.
• 29:26
  Then I'm going to sit on it while I read fan mail from
• 29:29
  crying atheists. Why breath?
• 29:32
  Why? Because fuck you, that's why.
• 29:37
  You're a monster and I adore you for it.
• 29:41
  Thank you, Eve. I adore you as well.
• 29:44
  All right, Eve, we're going to go ahead and end this video.
• 29:47
  I'm going to let you have the last word since you're the Queen
• 29:50
  of Mother of Metal. Go ahead.
• 29:56
  All right, this has been divine. Brett Cain, you magnificent,
• 30:04
  inbred, authoritative God. You're like if Jesus had
• 30:08
  Tourette's and a meth habit. Don't ever change.
• 30:12
  And to all the atheists listening, right now your mom's
• 30:15
  are in my inbox begging for sloppy seconds from the King of
• 30:18
  the Kooks. Yeah, I took screen grabs and
• 30:22
  tomorrow I'm going to make him my ringtone.
• 30:25
  Peace motherfuckers. If you enjoyed the video, please
• 30:30
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• 30:34
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• 30:53
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