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6 Signs of Unresolved Trauma · Trauma Free Relationship

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  Let's talk about the six signs of unresolved trauma.
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  Okay. What are the questions I get
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  asked? Quite a lot from my couples.
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  Is how do they know when they've worked through their trauma?
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  Now, there's an old saying that time heals all wounds and that
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  is true for a lot of wounds. But trauma is a particular kind
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  of wound that time doesn't necessarily always heal.
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  So in order to really focus on resolving trauma, there has to
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  be some specific. Work that is done in that area
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  and that means that there are signs that that you have
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  resolved the trauma and in this particular case, we're going to
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  talk about what those signs are. If it's unresolved this way.
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  You're aware that have any of these signs or symptoms start to
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  come up for you. That in particular, there may be
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  some more work that needs to be done.
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  Now, I want to say to this does not take away from any of the
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  work that you as trauma victims have already done.
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  Any work is good work. If you're working on resolving,
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  some of your trauma. So I don't want to negate or
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  downplay or minimize any of the efforts you've already made,
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  because I know there's so many people out there that have
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  worked very hard to try to resolve some of their trauma.
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  But as we go through this list, these six signs, maybe you'll
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  notice or recognize that there's one, maybe two the tend to be
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  Troublesome for you in certain context and certain areas of
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  your life. Life.
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  And that might give you an idea that may be a little bit more.
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  Work is needed in these particular areas.
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  Alright? So the very first one is
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  hyper-vigilance now we discussed in another video when we talked
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  about defining trauma and the types of different trauma.
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  One of the Hallmarks of trauma, is this sense of
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  hyper-vigilance? Because the nature of trauma
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  itself, overwhelms, our central nervous system overwhelms, our
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  ability to cope with what Happening that it then creates a
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  shift inside of us. And that shift is that
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  protective part of us was to always be on the lookout for any
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  signs that we may be re traumatized.
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  Now, if your trauma was interpersonal and in nature,
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  meaning that if it was inflicted On You by somebody else, then
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  this is especially true. And so what you may have noticed
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  is that over time You are acutely aware of other people of
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  their facial expressions. Body postures any surprises
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  things. That pop out of the blue May
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  startle you quite a bit and this is all a sense of
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  hyper-vigilance. So you're acutely aware of your
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  environment and your surrounding because you are really on the
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  lookout that part of your brain, that's there to protect you is
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  on the lookout for any signs that you may get re-traumatized.
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  So our brains just stems that we share with the reptiles does an
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  amazing job of scanning the environment so that we can see
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  if there is anything that is going to surprise us and
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  re-traumatize Us. Again, part of this is found.
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  Like for example you're walking through the forest and out of
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  the corner of your eye, you see a stick and as you probably are,
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  well aware. What happens is.
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  The first thing you do is you jump out of the way.
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  Now, this was not a conscious thought.
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  This was actually your brainstem protecting you because what
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  comes through our eyes is, most closely connected to our brain
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  stem. And so, the message sends a much
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  faster signal than it does. If it has to go through our
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  prefrontal cortex, which is our reasoning and thinking area of
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  our brain. So we jump out of the way and
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  then we turn and we look. And we go, oh, that's just a
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  stick. When we've been traumatized,
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  it's sort of re structured reshaped, our brain, stem to be
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  hyper-vigilant and that is exhausting.
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  And that is so difficult to deal with where you feel like you
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  have to always put up your walls but that's also a reaction that
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  you're trying to keep yourself safe.
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  Your body's doing its job. It's trying to keep you from
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  being re-traumatized again. So if in your life you feel like
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  there are situations or maybe it's sort of a white noise in
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  the background. It's always there.
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  You can never completely turn it off.
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  You can never completely feel safe in your body.
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  You're always hyper Vigilant to family, friends, your partner to
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  your surroundings, then this could be a sign of unresolved
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  trauma. Now number two, lack of trust.
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  So this one almost goes without saying, especially if the trauma
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  was From another person, either a parent, a primary Guardian
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  growing up. A previous spouse Affair,
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  certainly can fall into this order.
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  But again, we're talking about how trauma has reshaped your
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  brain to want to be able to protect you.
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  And it's doing so by always keeping other people a little
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  bit at arm's length, it's protecting you by always being a
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  little bit unsure. Sure of other people's
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  intentions and motives and that makes complete sense to me.
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  Because if your trauma was inflicted by another person,
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  then there's going to be a part of you that says, I don't know
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  if I can fully trust other people because the person or
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  persons that were supposed to keep me most safe that were
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  supposed to protect me, did not do so, and as a result
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  internally, my body's never allowed me to sort of be
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  completely at rest. With other people, I'm always a
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  little bit leery of what they might want or need or how they
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  might take advantage of me. So if you find that there's
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  areas in your life that you have difficulty, building, trust or
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  let are trusting others in general.
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  And this is, especially true in our attachment relationships are
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  relationships with our most intimate partner that this is a
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  sign of unresolved trauma. If you feel like you always have
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  to stiff arm, ERM people a little bit, you always have to
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  sort of keep them just a little bit of a distance.
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  You don't want to let anybody to, to in to know what's going
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  on. Inside you then this is surely a
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  sign of unresolved trauma. And for good reason, for very
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  good reason. It makes perfect sense to me.
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  Why have your body's telling you and sending you messages that
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  you just can't completely trust other people and it's safest and
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  best to keep them. At arm's length.
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  So the second sign of unresolved trauma is this inability to
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  really trust others to feel safe in our body and Save in a close
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  intimate relationship with somebody else.
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  Now another sign that this is the third sign of unresolved
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  trauma and that is physical symptoms.
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  This can be everything from headache, difficulty sleeping,
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  too, Nausea to just an anxious pit in your stomach.
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  That never seems to go away. It could be that you're
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  overeating, you're under eating, could be that you're relying too
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  much on drugs or alcohol, or marijuana to cope, and get by or
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  to the own. And that's the only way your
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  body is able to completely relax and and and sort of calm down to
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  Baseline that these physical symptoms are also a sign of
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  unresolved. And I think this is true for
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  many, many people. And the real danger here, is
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  that what you're doing in order to soothe yourself?
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  If it's through marijuana drugs alcohol, it could be just
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  excessive avoidance. It could be that.
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  You're just throwing yourself into work at the expense of
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  having any other aspects to your life at the expense of your
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  relationships at the expense of your health.
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  So there's lots of kinds of a Ins.
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  And I use that word Loosely right now, but there's all kinds
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  of addictions that can take the place of being able to cope and
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  deal with those trauma reactions in our body.
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  And so the real downside to this is that if you lean on those
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  coping mechanisms too long to get rid of the physical
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  symptoms, you're having, then those themselves can become the
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  problem. So, where you might start out
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  just as an example, Of, I'm going to drink because when I
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  drink, it's the only time I really feel relaxed or
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  comfortable in my body or that I can just sort of come down.
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  If you lean on that long enough, what you find is that alcohol
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  can actually become a problem in and of itself.
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  Where once it started out, as a soothing coping mechanism, it
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  now has become an addiction or a problem.
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  So, these physical symptoms are real and they're there.
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  For reason, oftentimes, they're there because they are giving
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  you a warning sign that something's not right in your
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  relationships that something's not working in your life.
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  We often say that about anxiety and depression that those are
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  the breakdown of your natural defenses.
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  And so what has taken over as a as a protection, is this warning
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  signal of depression and anxiety that something's not working now
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  As I say that some of you might be thinking, yes, but sometimes
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  pressure depression, can be a biological disorder and that is
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  true in my experience. What I have found is that eighty
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  eight times out of ten, eighty percent of the time, if
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  somebody's having excessive anxiety or depression, it's
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  really linked to either unresolved trauma or something
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  that's not working in their relationship or in their life.
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  Rarely has, I have I ever seen it, VA biological issue?
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  That's not to say, I haven't, I certainly have.
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  I know some people have recurrent depression, it's just
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  something they've learned to manage and live with, and, and
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  God bless you if you've done that because that is a lot of
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  hard work to be able to manage and figure out how to function
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  and live with that. But a lot of what I've seen is
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  that those are breakdown of our natural coping defenses.
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  And so, in order to not deal with this anxiety in these
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  Vehicle symptoms. We can slip into depression or
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  we can slip into anxiety. So the third sign of unresolved
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  trauma is physical symptoms and not in our stomach.
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  An elevated level of anxiety that just doesn't seem to go
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  away as sense of malaise or sadness, that sort of comes
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  over, you may be at a certain time every day or comes over you
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  once a week, you just sort of hit a low point and you feel you
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  just feel very abject very In that sense.
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  So these physical symptoms can be a sign of unresolved trauma
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  as well. The fourth sign of unresolved
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  trauma is where you get triggered and then you you
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  re-experience the trauma in the here.
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  And now, as if it was the same as what you experienced in the
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  past, now this is a Hallmark of trauma in general.
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  And what I mean by that is that one of the primary sign Signs of
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  a traumatic event is that when we get triggered, it's not a
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  memory of something that's happened in the past.
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  It is something we relive and re-experience as if it was
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  happening in the here and now, so if you get triggered at times
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  and in in that moment, you re-experience, what feels like
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  that? Trauma happening again to you in
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  the moment that is a sign of unresolved.
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  Trauma. Now, I'm not saying that if we
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  get triggered, we don't feel intense emotions.
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  That's not what I'm saying. Because we all have our trigger
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  points. We all have vulnerabilities of
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  some kind, that's just, unfortunately, part of Being
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  Human. It's part of being in
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  relationships, hurt, people, hurt people, and sometimes they
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  create wounds. But there's a difference between
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  having a wound, that gets triggered that makes us angry
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  frustrated ashamed. Feeling unworthy?
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  Easy versus something, that's so vivid and so real.
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  We feel like we're reliving the trauma in the here and now so
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  the four sign of unresolved trauma is that when you get
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  triggered, you experience that same level of traumatic
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  reaction, that sense of overwhelm that sense of Terror
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  at times, that sense of hopelessness.
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  And so, what you might find in those situations is that you
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  might go through the stages of fight.
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  In flight and or you might go through it or hypo stage, which
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  means that you shut down internally.
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  And so, if you're, if you're finding, you have those
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  reactions, those intense sort of emotional reactions in a
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  situation, this can often be a sign of some resolved trauma.
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  So when you get triggered, what you're doing is you're reliving
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  that trauma in the hero. Now as if it was happening
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  currently to you The fist sign of unresolved trauma is
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  disassociation. And what that really means is,
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  it's kind of a fancy word for compartmentalization, what
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  you've done and how you've dealt with your trauma is you have
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  disassociated or compartmentalised, a part of it.
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  And so, this is an area of your life, where often you feel numb,
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  you, you can go blank. You don't, you can't think of
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  right words. You can't seem to express
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  yourself. You can't make sense of what's
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  Happening internally. Now, you can go and be fantastic
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  at work. You might be fantastic at other
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  areas of your life, hanging with your buddies.
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  Play in a sport, whatever it may be.
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  You may be able to function, but all of a sudden you get into an
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  area of your life or something occurs in your closest
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  relationship and you find that you hit a point where you hit a
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  wall and you're just not able to articulate to Related words,
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  what's happening? You often feel like you go numb,
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  maybe you feel a little bit outside yourself at times and
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  then eventually that feeling subsides and you begin to feel
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  more like yourself later. This is what we call
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  disassociation and this is part of the way that you have learned
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  to cope and deal with past trauma.
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  So the fifth sign is is that you disassociate or there's an area
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  of your your sense of self that is compartmentalised and when
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  you get into a search of situation, it can get triggered
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  and you can go into that disassociation and just feel
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  very numb feel very blank, feel very shut down at times.
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  The sixth and final sign of unresolved trauma is a feeling
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  of Shame about your sense of self.
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  Now this is also very much a Hallmark of complex trauma.
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  So it's So much necessarily that if you've had one traumatic
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  event happen to you, but rather if you've had multiple traumatic
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  events or what event, that's been repeated over multiple
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  times, maybe through childhood or maybe you were married and
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  you'll respond. Alice had multiple Affairs on
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  you. Something along those lines.
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  Then this is certainly a Hallmark of that where you feel
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  sort of defective in your sense of self where Are you feel
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  unworthy unlovable and just at your core like you're not a
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  worthy person. And so, having unresolved trauma
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  means that there are times where you recognize that you need,
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  excessive reassurance, maybe that's part of way of boosting
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  your self-esteem. Maybe it's that you are a bit
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  clinging or needy with your partner and that could be
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  certainly a sign of low self-esteem.
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  Of this need that you feel abandoned and rejected easily
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  and that that impacts your sense of self worth as a person.
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  So that is the Sixth and final sign of unresolved trauma.
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  If you feel like it any point, you're experiencing any of
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  these, then that could be an indication that you need to go
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  back and do some work. And again, I want to reiterate,
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  that does not negate any of the hard work.
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  You've already done. Done.
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  Trauma. As Judith Herman says, his is a
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  violation of human nature. And so it is, it is impacting to
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  the core that's part of what makes it traumatic.
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  And so, it just takes a lot of work.
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  And sometimes it takes a lot of time to be able to work through
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  that. That's not your fault.
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  If you've done. Great work.
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  I applaud you. I really do.
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  And I don't question it for a minute that you've Tried to dig
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  deep to understand the roots of it to understand what's happened
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  and to be able to work through it.
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  So that your physiology is not hijacked all day long like it
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  was when it first happened. I also want to say this too, and
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  I think this is important. I have a lot of couples that
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  come to me and they say I've worked through my truck and they
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  don't recognize that what's happening in their situation is
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  a trauma reaction from the The past.
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  It's very difficult to see that and I can certainly understand
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  why if I had felt like I had done so much trauma work and all
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  of a sudden I'm now in a relationship and I'm getting
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  very hyper Vigilant. And my self-esteem feels bad and
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  I'm having physical symptoms. I would attribute it to this
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  other person that makes total sense to me.
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  Hey, when I was by myself, I was perfectly fine.
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  I didn't have these symptoms and signs going on but that's
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  precisely the point. What can happen.
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  And one of our closest most intimate relationships is that
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  the trauma or aspects of the trauma can come alive, that
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  doesn't come alive when were by ourselves and when we work
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  through an individual therapy our trauma, it doesn't mean that
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  it's resolved all aspects of it, that there are aspects that can
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  come alive in your closest, most intimate relationships.
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  And what are the things that we have is what's broken in Bishop
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  gets healed in relationship. And so this is especially true.
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  If your trauma was interpersonally inflicted
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  meaning, it was inflicted upon you by another person that there
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  are aspects of that, it, that can be reawakened or can come
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  alive in your closest relationships.
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  And that just might be a sign that you need to do a little bit
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  more trouble work as a couples therapist.
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  I love working with couples that have had past trauma because I I
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  think couples work is such a powerful way to be able to help
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  one or both partners that have had trauma in the past because
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  it can bring it alive in ways that they don't, they don't see
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  it and understand it and it can be in in right in the room with
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  this there and we can be able to deal with it and process it and
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  we can we can acknowledge it head-on when it comes alive in
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  the relationship that's not always possible.
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  When we're not in a relationship or when we're at work or other
• 20:43
  other more individual based activities, things like that.
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  So these are the six signs of unresolved trauma.
• 20:51
  Be sure. And follow us.
• 20:54
  Hit our subscribe Channel and our Bell notification so that
• 20:57
  you'll know what a new video comes out.
• 21:00
  And be sure to follow us on wherever you get your podcast
• 21:03
  for the next episode. Thanks for joining in.
• 20:38
  When we're not in a relationship or when we're at work or other
• 20:43
  other more individual based activities, things like that.
• 20:47
  So these are the six signs of unresolved trauma.
• 20:51
  Be sure. And follow us.
• 20:54
  Hit our subscribe Channel and our Bell notification so that
• 20:57
  you'll know what a new video comes out.
• 21:00
  And be sure to follow us on wherever you get your podcast
• 21:03
  for the next episode. Thanks for joining in.