Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / When Your Boss Takes Sides How to Handle a Supervisor Who Gossips
Transcript
- Lucas: So let's talk about a boss who gossips. Not about you — yet — but with you. They pull you aside after a meeting and say something like, 'I'm really frustrated with Jen in accounting. She keeps missing deadlines, and I don't know what to do.' Luna: Right, the classic 'you're my confidant' move. It feels flattering for about thirty seconds before you realize you're now in the middle of something. Lucas: Exactly. And the data says it's surprisingly common. The Society for Human Resource Management did a survey last year — 2025 — and found that 23 percent of employees had witnessed a manager sharing confidential information about one team member with another. That's nearly one in four. Luna: And that's just the witnessed stuff. The actual number is probably higher, because a lot of people don't recognize it as toxic right away. Lucas: That's the trap. It feels like insider access. Your boss is treating you like a peer, like a trusted advisor. But what they're actually doing is what psychologists call triangulation — they're using you as a conduit to manage their relationship with someone else, usually because they lack the skill or courage to address it directly. Luna: So the boss is basically outsourcing their conflict. And you become the carrier pigeon. And eventually the pigeon gets shot. Lucas: Exactly. Because once Jen finds out you know about her missed deadlines — and she will — you're no longer neutral. The gossip poisons your working relationship with her, and it also creates a dynamic where the boss can now say, 'Well, it's not just me who's frustrated. Lucas noticed it too.' Luna: And you never agreed to be a witness in that case. So how do you shut it down without alienating your boss? Lucas: You need a script. And the script depends on the specific flavor of gossip. Let's start with the scenario I just described: the boss complaining about another employee to you. The instinct is to commiserate or offer advice, but that locks you in. Instead, you want to redirect without accusing. Luna: What's the redirect look like? Lucas: Something like: 'I hear you, and it sounds like a conversation you should have directly with Jen. I don't want to be in the middle of it.' Say it calmly. Neutral tone. You're not judging them, you're just stating a boundary. Most bosses will back off because you've made it awkward for them to continue. Luna: But some bosses won't. Some will say, 'Oh, no, I just need to vent.' What then? Lucas: If they push, you can say, 'I understand, but I'd rather not know about other team members' performance issues unless it directly affects my work. I think it's better for our team dynamic if I stay out of it.' You're framing it as protecting the team, not protecting yourself. That's harder to argue with. Luna: Okay, second scenario. What if the boss is sharing your private feedback with others? Like you told them something in confidence, and then you hear it echoed back from a colleague. Lucas: That's a more serious breach. Here the script is different. You need to address it directly but without escalating. Say: 'I was surprised to hear that some of my feedback from our one-on-one came up in a group conversation. In the future, I'd appreciate if we keep those discussions between us.' Again, neutral. You're not accusing them of malicious gossip, you're just stating a preference. Luna: But what if they deny it? Boss says, 'Oh, I never said that.' Lucas: Then you have a credibility problem. In that case, I'd document the instance — date, what was said, who told you — and then let it go unless it happens again. If it becomes a pattern, you escalate to HR or start looking for a new role, because a boss who lies about gossiping is a boss who can't be trusted with anything. Luna: And let's be real, that's probably not an isolated behavior. If they gossip about others to you, they're gossiping about you to others. Lucas: Absolutely. That's the third scenario — the boss who uses gossip to pit team members against each other. I saw this firsthand at a Fortune 500 retailer a few years ago. The department head would pull people aside individually and say, 'So-and-so said you weren't pulling your weight.' Then he'd go to so-and-so and say the same thing about you. He manufactured conflict so everyone stayed off-balance and dependent on him for information. Luna: That's textbook divide and conquer. And it's hard to fight because you don't know who's saying what to whom. Lucas: Right. The only defense is to build direct lines of communication with your peers. If someone comes to you and says, 'The boss told me you said X,' your response should be, 'I never said that. Let's talk directly to each other going forward.' You're short-circuiting the triangulation by refusing to participate. Luna: That takes a lot of trust among peers, though. If the boss has been doing this for a while, everyone's suspicious of everyone else. Lucas: It does take trust, but you can build it one conversation at a time. Start with the person you trust most and say, 'Hey, I want to make sure we're communicating directly. If you ever hear something about me that seems off, please come to me first.' Then extend that to others. It's slow, but it works. Luna: Let's flip it. What if you're the one who accidentally becomes the gossip? Like your boss vents to you, and later you mention it to a teammate because you're trying to be helpful. Are you now part of the problem? Lucas: Technically, yes. Even if your intent is good, you've now spread information that wasn't yours to share. The rule is: if it came from a boss in a one-on-one context, assume it's confidential unless they explicitly say otherwise. If you're unsure, ask: 'Is it okay if I share this with the team?' Luna: That's a good habit. 'What's the communication perimeter here?' Lucas: Exactly. And honestly, a lot of managers don't even realize they're gossiping. They think they're 'keeping you in the loop' or 'being transparent.' But transparency about strategy is different from transparency about people. Luna: That's a really helpful distinction. Strategy is fair game. Performance issues of specific colleagues are not. Lucas: Right. And if you can help your boss see that difference, you're actually doing them a favor. A boss who gossips is a boss who's at risk of losing their team's trust — and eventually their own reputation. So setting that boundary isn't just self-protection, it's good management of your manager. Luna: Speaking of managing the relationship well — I think a lot of our listeners come to this show exactly because they're trying to navigate these gray-area dynamics. They're not looking for a 'quit your job' hot take, they want practical moves. Lucas: That's the whole point of the show. And it's why we keep it ad-free. We don't want to sell you a course or a book or a product. We just want to give you one concrete idea per episode that might help you tomorrow. If that's been useful to you, you can support that choice at buymeacoffee.com/fexingo. No pressure, just a way to keep this thing going. Luna: Yeah, and honestly, it's the listener support that lets us stay independent. So if you've gotten something out of this episode, that link is there. And now back to the gossip scenario — I've been thinking about the aftermath. Lucas: The aftermath is crucial. Let's say you've set the boundary, the gossip stops, but the damage is done. How do you rebuild trust with colleagues who may have heard things about you? Luna: Yeah, because even if you handled it perfectly, the rumor might still be out there. Lucas: The best approach is proactive but casual. Don't make it a big deal. If you sense tension with a colleague, you can say, 'Hey, I've heard some things have been said about me, and I want you to know that I value our working relationship. If there's ever anything you want to discuss directly, I'm open.' You're extending an olive branch without re-litigating the gossip. Luna: And what if the colleague is cold or dismissive? Lucas: Then you've done what you can. Some people are too entrenched. In that case, focus on doing good work and being consistently professional. Over time, most people will judge you by your actions, not by what someone said. But if the entire team dynamic is poisoned, that's a sign the culture is broken, and you might need to think about leaving. Luna: So how do you know when it's worth staying and fighting versus when it's time to go? Lucas: I think there are two questions. First: is the gossip coming from one person, or is it systemic? If it's one boss, you can manage that. If the whole culture rewards information hoarding and back-channeling, you're swimming upstream. Second: do you have allies? If you have at least one or two peers you trust, you can build a counter-network. If you're completely isolated, that's a red flag. Luna: Those are good litmus tests. And I'd add: pay attention to whether the boss is open to feedback. If you set a boundary and they respect it, that's a green flag. If they double down or punish you, you have your answer. Lucas: That's the real test. A boss who can't handle a neutral, professional boundary is not a boss you can grow under. And that brings us to a bigger question: if you do decide to leave, how do you exit gracefully without burning bridges, especially if the boss gossips about you after you're gone? Luna: That's a whole other episode. But briefly, I'd say document your accomplishments, maintain relationships with other leaders, and give a clean, professional resignation. You can't control what your boss says, but you can control your own narrative through your network. Lucas: Exactly. And that's the through line in all of this: you can't always stop a boss from gossiping, but you can refuse to be a participant, you can set clear boundaries, and you can build direct relationships with everyone else. That's how you survive — and even thrive — when your boss is the office gossip. Luna: I think the key insight for me is that gossip is a power play. The boss who gossips is trying to control the narrative. And the antidote is transparency and direct communication. Lucas: Well said. So here's the takeaway for today: next time your boss starts venting about a colleague, try the redirect. Say, 'This sounds like something you should take to them directly.' See what happens. And let us know how it goes.