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235. Should There Be Emotional Intimacy Prerequisites To Sexual Intimacy? Survey Answers · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: Why is that?
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: Amy has this all prepared.
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: It's going to go flawless is what I meant to say, because you've prepared this one, the ones I prepared.
• 1:08
  Speaker 3: I haven't prepared nothing, because I feel like the best podcasts come from unpreparedness and real conversation, and that's what today is going to be.
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: That's why I'm saying you prepared this one and it's going to be spectacular In my mind.
• 1:20
  Speaker 3: Actually, our audience really helped prepare this one, because the answers on the poll are exactly the direction I was thinking it would go.
• 1:28
  Speaker 3: It really is, and so today's podcast episode is about emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy and that balance.
• 1:39
  Speaker 3: But what we're really going to dive down into today is the question that we get a lot from husbands and they want to know what exactly do you mean when you guys talk about emotional intimacy needing to be strong and amazing before sexual intimacy should take place.
• 2:00
  Speaker 3: And this is where it can get really confusing for husbands and wives and where this disconnect that we always talk about comes from, because a lot of husbands think that there's this big checklist of I need to be this amazing husband.
• 2:16
  Speaker 3: I got to clean and I got to be emotionally super connected to her and I got to be romantic and I got to rub her feet and make sure she's happy.
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: And I think for most marriages that's probably the case Like if anything's a little bit off, there's nothing going to be happening.
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: Nothing's going to be happening in the bedroom, and that's the problem, and that's not okay, though no and that's really sad because in reality, it's that connection in the bedroom that can help things become better.
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: Like when a husband or a low desire spouse is frustrated and we get emails all the time that are like I do this, I do this, I do the dishes, I help with the kids, I fix meals, I do this, and they like I do everything and she's still.
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: It's not good enough.
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: And it goes both ways.
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: We've had some messages from some wives that say the same thing, or husbands Like so it goes both ways.
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: But if we're honest with ourselves and look inwardly, that is typically what happens.
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: Like unless everything is 100% in balance and perfect, nothing's happening that night.
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: And that's really sad, because it really should be like okay, yeah, things aren't perfect, maybe we should connect in this way so that we can get things better emotionally as well, right?
• 3:39
  Speaker 3: Well, and that's where it comes down to for the majority, the majority of husbands that have the higher drive right, which is usually the majority those husbands usually become more emotionally connected when they feel loved through sexual intimacy.
• 3:58
  Speaker 3: At least, that's what the surveys, all the surveys that we have taken, that's what comes from it, right?
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: Agreed yeah.
• 4:06
  Speaker 3: But we always say this is where it gets tricky.
• 4:09
  Speaker 3: And this podcast is to kind of explain where we're coming from, Because we always say, you know us emotional intimacy needs to be strong first, and then husbands are like that's not fair, Like why can't sexual intimacy come first once in a while?
• 4:24
  Speaker 3: And that's when we're going to dive into this.
• 4:26
  Speaker 3: Okay, Well, I mean this is the big question right, which one comes first and why?
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: Well, and I also feel like, as we've talked about a little bit, is like there's all, oftentimes, prerequisites that happen Like I'm not going to make love to you until this, this, this, this, this, this and this is all done, or it's all perfect, or it's all in place, or I feel this way, and so, and a lot of times we as husbands or the Lord, our desire spouse like, but a lot of time with husbands everyone knows what I mean we don't always know what those prerequisites are, because those can change on a daily basis, right, like some days it can be well, here's what I need today, and then the next day it can be totally different and if and if Are you saying we're complicated?
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: Oh, I'm just saying like, and unless a couple is constantly talking about it, a husband may think well, this is what she needed last week, therefore, this is what she needs today.
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: And a wife may be thinking why can't he read my mind?
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: He should know what I need, or know what I want, right?
• 5:28
  Speaker 3: Right.
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: And we're-.
• 5:31
  Speaker 3: Some women are a little more complicated in that area a little more height maintenance and some are not.
• 5:34
  Speaker 3: We're not talking about it or anything.
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: And we're not throwing anyone under the bus, we're just talking about common relationship issues that, if you step back and really look at it, these are real.
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: These are what happen.
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: It happens in our marriage like it's just, it's a normal thing, and that's why we talk about them and talk about how to overcome them and have a better marriage.
• 5:56
  Speaker 3: So the big question for today is a lot of husbands will write us and say what Does this mean?
• 6:03
  Speaker 3: What does emotional intimacy mean?
• 6:06
  Speaker 3: You say I have to give all this emotional connection to my wife first.
• 6:10
  Speaker 3: What does that even look like?
• 6:11
  Speaker 3: And we've done podcasts on what emotional intimacy is right.
• 6:14
  Speaker 3: There's a whole list of things that you can do for emotional intimacy.
• 6:17
  Speaker 3: The answer that we usually give back that we think and you can write us and tell us if you disagree, if you agree, we'd love to get your thoughts.
• 6:26
  Speaker 3: We took a big poll on us that we'll get into.
• 6:28
  Speaker 3: But what we usually say, you're smiling.
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: Oh, I'm just thinking that my answer in what this emotional intimacy has evolved, and I'll give you that when you're done talking.
• 6:41
  Speaker 3: Okay, You're smiling at me.
• 6:42
  Speaker 3: I'm like you.
• 6:43
  Speaker 3: Better say it before we go.
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: I'm just smiling because I'm happy.
• 6:45
  Speaker 3: My answer to those husbands about what this looks like is not about a list of things that you have to check off to be able to say that emotional intimacy is strong, now we can go make love with each other.
• 7:01
  Speaker 3: Let me, let me expand To me personally my opinion emotional intimacy that has to be there before sex, like when we say it has to be strong before sex.
• 7:15
  Speaker 3: I'm talking about kindness, faithfulness, love, respect.
• 7:25
  Speaker 3: The way you talk to your spouse, the way you just make them feel like they feel loved, they feel prioritized it's not to me.
• 7:37
  Speaker 3: Those feel like absolute prerequisites.
• 7:40
  Speaker 3: Pre-requisite is something that has to be done before you do something right or needs to be done.
• 7:45
  Speaker 3: And I think they're good and bad for the requisites, I think they're good and bad ones, so we're talking about the ones that should be natural.
• 7:51
  Speaker 3: There's no wife that's going to want to go make love to her husband if he's not treating her with respect, if he's not talking to her with respect, if he's not showing respect in all of his actions.
• 8:04
  Speaker 3: Respect is not hard when you love someone, or it shouldn't be being kind?
• 8:09
  Speaker 3: Kind with your words, kind with your actions.
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: I think it goes both ways right.
• 8:16
  Speaker 3: Absolutely goes both ways.
• 8:18
  Speaker 3: But those are the kind of things that we're talking about when we say emotional intimacy needs to be healthy and strong before sexual, and that should be a question, For any husband that loves his wife and wants to intimately connect with his wife should 100% be already doing those things.
• 8:35
  Speaker 3: It doesn't mean you have to be perfect at them, but you're trying right.
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and you need to give each other some grace.
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: I think there are a lot of husbands out there that are like all right, tonight might be my lucky night, everything feels good, everything is going good, and then they're scared to death to do anything that takes that away right, or that maybe they say the wrong thing or they do the wrong thing or don't do the right thing or whatever.
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: That kills the mood, so to speak.
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: Right, right?
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: I think we need to give each other some grace and realize that we're human, we are going to make mistakes and the stars don't have to line up again to be intimate, like if things are going well and something's maybe said that's wrong or something doesn't happen that maybe you thought should have happened.
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: Like give your spouse some grace and recognize that we can't always fulfill each other's needs exactly or to the fullest, like you know again, I'm repeating myself but like that's one of the reasons maybe you should be intimate is to help strengthen all those aspects.
• 9:42
  Speaker 3: Absolutely I, and that's the thing is.
• 9:45
  Speaker 3: Like we can't tell you what your balance is, because every marriage is so different, like the balances are going to look different to everyone.
• 9:50
  Speaker 3: What needs to be strong and what this is going to make stronger?
• 9:53
  Speaker 3: The fact is that women need to feel respected and loved, to want to be intimate, and they should.
• 9:58
  Speaker 3: They deserve that, and so does a husband.
• 9:59
  Speaker 3: That's what we're talking about.
• 10:01
  Speaker 3: We're talking about, like, natural prerequisites.
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: Now, if we get into bigger things, if a wife is expecting her husband to be super romantic, the best house cleaner that night, everything has to be spotless she has to feel, I don't know, like like the list is too much.
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's hard to obtain.
• 10:25
  Speaker 3: It's hard to obtain but that's not healthy because that's not fair right.
• 10:29
  Speaker 3: That's when it gets into like that's not really what commitment means Well.
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: I think an unhealthy prerequisite would be just like what we're talking about, like well, I'm not going to make love to you or we're not going to connect until this, this, this and this is accomplished, right.
• 10:44
  Speaker 3: Well, even just that mindset is not healthy, right?
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and that's what I mean.
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: Even if the husband doesn't know what that is, or a wife to have their spouse kind of hold that over their head.
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: I don't think it's realistic, right.
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: Unrealistic and super unfair, like I also want to like talk about like fairness kind of a marriage right.
• 11:02
  Speaker 3: Like it's fair that if some of my needs are getting met, that some of your needs should be met too.
• 11:07
  Speaker 3: Like we always discuss this, like that's what makes marriage fair and fun.
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: For sure, yeah, absolutely.
• 11:13
  Speaker 3: Right Give and take.
• 11:14
  Speaker 3: Give and take.
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: Let's jump in.
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: I think you got some pretty good answers from the polls and some responses that I think would be fun to discuss.
• 11:23
  Speaker 3: And I do want to talk about some of them that are.
• 11:25
  Speaker 3: They're really good answers.
• 11:26
  Speaker 3: So we asked the husbands are there too many prerequisites to sex?
• 11:31
  Speaker 3: And that's why we answered it, because so many husbands are complaining that they have this entire list they have to do before their wife or vice versa is willing to be intimate and again, we recognize it could be a different way, but I have no idea what to guess.
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: I would guess 60, 70%.
• 11:51
  Speaker 3: You're right on 73.
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: Wow 73% said there are too many prerequisites to sexual intimacy.
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: That means that and I'm not saying women shouldn't set the bar high Like I feel, like you should absolutely feel very connected to your spouse, and that's what dry sexual intimacy.
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: But, but, I think oftentimes, when that bar is set so high, it's going to naturally potentially cause the reverse, that's going to distance you as a couple.
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: I mean, I think for a lot of couples like if they feel like God, I can just never please my spouse, I can never hit that high bar, or they feel like they're getting rejected and nothing's ever good enough, that absolutely can cause the opposite to happen, which we've talked about in other podcasts.
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: You know the games that are played, the toxic games and different things like that and the rejection podcast.
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: I mean, I think it's so simple, yet it's so hard.
• 12:55
  Speaker 3: It is so hard because, like you just said, the minute you start getting rejected or the bar is too high, a lot of husbands throw up their hands and they're like this is unattainable.
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: Why would I give her the emotional intimacy?
• 13:07
  Speaker 3: I just she's never gonna like even care about my needs.
• 13:11
  Speaker 3: Maybe I just need to.
• 13:12
  Speaker 3: I don't know if I'm saying it's okay, but we're human.
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: We're human, so sometimes we want our needs met too.
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: But that's what I'm saying is like at the end of the day you know people have asked this question does everything really come down to sex?
• 13:28
  Speaker 3: No, it's not actual sex, but Correct.
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: But it really is a lot of times that simple and we're again talking about healthy marriages.
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: If you're in an unhealthy marriage, that's a whole different thing.
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: We're not talking about and saying that if a husband's mean and abusive and or even just verbally abusive yeah.
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: We're not saying that is an unhealthy marriage.
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: We're not talking about those types of marriages.
• 13:53
  Speaker 3: That's why that is a prerequisite that I say that's right.
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: A mandatory respect, kindness is mandatory, but we're talking about marriages where couples are typically getting along and have good relationships and treat each other respectfully.
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: And loving and loving those types of couples.
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: If they really were just prioritizing the one thing and to be intimate more often, you would see the emotional intimacy increase, you would see the communication get better, you would see every aspect of the marriage improve.
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: I totally believe that.
• 14:29
  Speaker 3: You know I do.
• 14:30
  Speaker 3: You know I do A lot of husbands.
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: We've taken a poll in the past so I can't quote it, but we've asked a lot of husbands in the past if your wife was just to be like, hey, let's go make love, would you step it up in the intimate department and like literally 100% of them, or like absolutely.
• 14:50
  Speaker 3: If she was willing to just fulfill that one need and want Not just a need, not a physical need, but that emotional need that sex brings to a man and to women.
• 15:00
  Speaker 3: She was just willing to desire me in that way, I would probably become a whole new person, right?
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: And I think most men would.
• 15:10
  Speaker 3: And most men agree with that.
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: They would do anything to just fill that connection.
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: That, like I said, and it's emotional as well.
• 15:18
  Speaker 3: And how many women look at their husbands and say you're just doing all this because you want sex.
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: So what.
• 15:25
  Speaker 3: Yeah, nick, all the time will do all this stuff.
• 15:27
  Speaker 3: And I'm like oh, you must want something to 90s.
• 15:29
  Speaker 3: Well, I'm like, you don't have to apologize for that.
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: That's great, okay, and it's not if that is your only motive, yes, but I do those things because I love Amy and, yeah, I do those things Absolutely.
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: I don't do those things because I want her to be more intimate with me.
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: I want to have that connection.
• 15:47
  Speaker 3: I think the best thing that women could learn is, if your husband's stepping it up in the romance department, the household cleaning department, the rubbing your feet, whatever he's trying to do, that's a good thing, because he wants sex?
• 15:57
  Speaker 3: He absolutely does, absolutely.
• 15:59
  Speaker 3: Does you just kind of like realize that and be okay with that?
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: Like when Nick starts stepping it up, I'm like, oh, it's day four, day three.
• 16:06
  Speaker 3: He wants something.
• 16:07
  Speaker 3: And then guess what?
• 16:08
  Speaker 3: I'm like okay, you didn't have to do all that, you can just tell me.
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: And yeah.
• 16:14
  Speaker 3: But I know.
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: It is the going joke around the house it must be day four, it must be going three or day four.
• 16:20
  Speaker 3: Yeah, but we made a joke out of it.
• 16:21
  Speaker 3: Instead of me being bugged by it like, oh, he's just doing that for this.
• 16:26
  Speaker 3: I'm like, yeah, he's doing that for this.
• 16:27
  Speaker 3: I'm totally fine with that, because I'm going to do things that he wants for other things, like, and go back to listen to the transactional podcast.
• 16:37
  Speaker 3: But okay, let's get into this poll because I think we have a lot to talk about with this.
• 16:41
  Speaker 3: We asked all the spouses, not just the husbands or wives what does emotional intimacy actually look like to you?
• 16:48
  Speaker 3: And that's the reason we're doing this podcast, because to me it's great to be romanced, but I don't feel it's fair to Nick for him have to do all these romantic things in order for me to be intimate.
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: I don't feel like that should be a prerequisite.
• 17:03
  Speaker 3: That should just be something that happens naturally when it happens, because he's in the mood to be romantic or something.
• 17:08
  Speaker 3: So I wanted to hear what everyone else thought about this.
• 17:12
  Speaker 3: So answer number one listening with compassion and hearing what she says and acting on it.
• 17:21
  Speaker 3: So he's saying emotional intimacy to his wife means really listening and really hearing and not sitting on his phone while she's talking to him I think that's really simple and I think it's really good.
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: But I think a lot of spouses have a hard time with that, like I think for most men they'd be.
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: Like I just would love to have my wife tell me what she wants or what she needs, and a lot of women are like he should know that.
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: But this is very simple.
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: If it's as simple as just communicating together, then that solves the issue.
• 17:57
  Speaker 3: So what he's saying is like my wife didn't ask me to do this, this, this and this.
• 18:01
  Speaker 3: She just wants me to listen and hear what she's saying.
• 18:04
  Speaker 3: So, husbands, I think that's a great example of what respect and kindness is in a marriage is caring about what your spouse has to say, what she her day was like, talking a little bit emotional intimacy and that emotional connection comes from conversation and just really being a part of each other's lives and continuing continually caring.
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: I like that.
• 18:30
  Speaker 3: So that's a great example.
• 18:31
  Speaker 3: I loved that answer.
• 18:32
  Speaker 3: Another one said connection, closeness, feeling love and respected and just knowing that we're on the same team.
• 18:38
  Speaker 3: Guys Love that.
• 18:39
  Speaker 3: Guys, those are not.
• 18:40
  Speaker 3: I love that.
• 18:40
  Speaker 3: And a search time of a mountain Hard.
• 18:44
  Speaker 3: They're not difficult things.
• 18:46
  Speaker 3: Those are not.
• 18:46
  Speaker 3: Those are absolutely I'm going to raise my hand on this one say great prerequisite Showing that you want to connect with her, not just sexually but like, really connect with her, Feel close to her, Show her that she's respected in every area of marriage and that you're on the same team.
• 19:08
  Speaker 3: That is not hard.
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: It should be.
• 19:10
  Speaker 3: That should not be hard.
• 19:11
  Speaker 3: And I agree that she needs those things.
• 19:13
  Speaker 3: I need those things in my marriage too, and those should be natural.
• 19:16
  Speaker 3: They shouldn't take any effort.
• 19:17
  Speaker 3: That's kind of the point is, this is the emotional intimacy that we're talking about.
• 19:21
  Speaker 3: That needs to come first, should not take effort unless being Should just be natural.
• 19:27
  Speaker 3: Unless being nice is hard for you, I don't know why you got married.
• 19:30
  Speaker 3: Then this is from a husband.
• 19:34
  Speaker 3: I desire a deep connection to know everything about her, which is awesome.
• 19:42
  Speaker 3: I wish every husband could answer it like that.
• 19:44
  Speaker 3: Another guy said emotional engages being wanted, desired eye contact, physical arousal by touch.
• 19:51
  Speaker 3: So let's just stop at the eye contact and feeling wanted.
• 19:56
  Speaker 3: That kind of just goes back to listening, caring and paying attention.
• 20:01
  Speaker 3: Right, let's see.
• 20:04
  Speaker 3: Okay, this one is a negative comment from a husband and I just want to read it because this is kind of what we're talking about.
• 20:12
  Speaker 3: He says it feels like the planets of the next five galaxies have to align in order for us to have sex.
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: And I think a lot of people feel that way, from what we hear.
• 20:25
  Speaker 3: I mean, those are the kind of comments and messages that we get.
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: And we don't know anything about their marriage.
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: We don't know what's going on, we won't judge it, but we do know that a lot of spouses, both men and women, feel that way.
• 20:41
  Speaker 3: A lot of women too.
• 20:42
  Speaker 3: We're not just talking about husbands.
• 20:43
  Speaker 3: A lot of women feel undesired, unappreciated, unconnected in their marriages.
• 20:48
  Speaker 3: Absolutely, it makes me feel like I'm in a true partnership, not just living with another roommate.
• 20:57
  Speaker 3: He must be talking about sexual intimacy.
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: I'm sure that was a husband, right, yep.
• 21:03
  Speaker 3: Sharing thoughts and feelings with your spouse.
• 21:05
  Speaker 3: Prayer, time spent together, prioritizing each other Okay, once again, sharing feelings with your spouse should be natural.
• 21:12
  Speaker 3: Time spent, wanting to spend time together, should be natural.
• 21:16
  Speaker 3: Praying together if it's not natural, I want to do that.
• 21:22
  Speaker 3: And prioritizing Put your phone down.
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: Yep, put away the distractions.
• 21:28
  Speaker 3: Yep, let's see.
• 21:30
  Speaker 3: This guy said even if you fulfill the emotional spouse's needs first, there are still 33,749 items left to fulfill.
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: We asked him to list all those on the Instagram feed, but he said it wouldn't fit, so we did ask him to oh gosh, we were going to cover all 33,000, whatever.
• 21:52
  Speaker 3: He's joking.
• 21:52
  Speaker 3: I would love to hear what his wife needs from him in order to connect intimately.
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: Probably not as much as he thinks.
• 22:01
  Speaker 3: Probably not as much as he thinks there's some kind of disconnect going there.
• 22:04
  Speaker 3: Go talk about it, please.
• 22:06
  Speaker 3: Failing emotionally connected besties having drawn closer to the day.
• 22:11
  Speaker 3: And that's what a lot of women and husbands want Just a simple text to the day I love you or I miss you or I'm thinking about you, and when he gets home or she gets home, like a big hug and a kiss and hey, how can we be a teammate tonight and get the kids to better and connect intimately?
• 22:27
  Speaker 3: I mean for me and Nick.
• 22:30
  Speaker 3: It's amazing how Nick's.
• 22:33
  Speaker 3: Usually we both try to initiate right.
• 22:36
  Speaker 3: I feel like I'm doing better at that.
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: She initiated yesterday.
• 22:40
  Speaker 3: I'm trying a lot harder, but it's usually useful in the morning or in the afternoon to be like hey, I would love to connect with you later.
• 22:49
  Speaker 3: Nick's just finally gotten to the point where he'll just say it, right.
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: Well, one day Amy just said just tell me what you want.
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: I was like oh is that easy, okay, and I think she appreciates that.
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: I'm like, hey, maybe you want to make love later.
• 23:02
  Speaker 3: I'm actually more simpler, because I'm literally like you don't have to do all those things, just tell me.
• 23:06
  Speaker 3: Just it's fine, like I know it's important for us, so it's good, it's good.
• 23:10
  Speaker 3: I don't remember what I was going to say now.
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: Well, every relationship's different.
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: Obviously, what we do in our relationship works really well for us.
• 23:20
  Speaker 2: It might not work in your relationship, that's okay.
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: Find what works for you.
• 23:25
  Speaker 3: It's been a lot of years to get here, a lot of years.
• 23:28
  Speaker 3: This was a good one being vulnerable and open to talk about things and feel safe to talk about things.
• 23:33
  Speaker 3: I think safe is a real keyword as a prerequisite to sexual intimacy.
• 23:39
  Speaker 3: If your spouse doesn't feel safe to share things with you, to get literally naked with you, but like naked with their emotions and their feelings, our friends used to say, you have to get naked to get naked, and what that means is being vulnerable and honest and really being able to be who you are, being naked in all of your emotions and vulnerabilities in order to have really amazing sexual intimacy, and I really like that analogy.
• 24:08
  Speaker 3: I really like that too, I think it's really good Love, respect, being in good place together Talked about that Spending time connecting through conversation of fun activities, sharing things that can only be shared with my wife.
• 24:23
  Speaker 3: We just talked about that, but it was a couple episodes ago that we did.
• 24:29
  Speaker 3: There's certain parts of the emotional connection that can only come from your spouse.
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: Or should only come from your spouse, or should?
• 24:35
  Speaker 3: only come from your spouse, right.
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah.
• 24:38
  Speaker 2: A lot of times, like we've talked about, women get their emotional needs met outside of the marriage and so therefore they don't need them met in the marriage, and I think that can cause a lot of couples to you know, obviously lack in certain areas and we're not saying they shouldn't have that emotional connection.
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: But go listen to the episode, you'll see what we're talking about which one?
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: That was.
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: I think it was 231.
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: 231.
• 25:10
  Speaker 3: I'm not going to read any more answers, but you get the point of it right, like I think there's some women that and men too that have maybe think that emotional all these things fall under emotional intimacy that have to be first when, really, if you're being treated with love and kindness, this is where we're going to like take that shift.
• 25:31
  Speaker 3: Emotional intimacy is super important for the marriage and for both people, whether you realize it or not.
• 25:38
  Speaker 3: So there shouldn't have to be this major list of stuff that needs to get done before sexual intimacy is put as a priority.
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah, agreed.
• 25:46
  Speaker 3: I mean we've shared our stories, like I really feel like in our really hard times in marriage, where the emotional disconnect was kind of big, I think the sexual intimacy was the glue that held us together.
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: And it helps, actually helped the emotional intimacy, even though the emotional intimacy was struggling.
• 26:01
  Speaker 3: I think it struggled less because the sexual intimacy kind of helped pick that up right I do agree with that, but the reason that the sexual intimacy was still prioritized during that was because those natural things that we talked about the love, the respect and the kindness being treated in a loving and respected way was still always there, and that's why sexual intimacy could be put on a higher bar and a higher priority right.
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: So I mean, hopefully this podcast can be a good one, just to really step inside and say, okay, am I doing these things?
• 26:39
  Speaker 2: What can I do better?
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: I think most of us truly want to have better relationships.
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: We just don't always know what we need to do or how we need to do it.
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: And again, I think if something as simple as just connecting with each other more sexually.
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: Well, let me just say this I think the statistics show us that couples aren't connecting sexually like they used to.
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: I mean, the statistics are all showing too many distractions and various other reasons, and that's correlating with obviously unhappy relationships.
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: So, you know, consider just connecting more sexually and doing the things, even if you have to schedule it or whatever you need to do, and I think you'll see that help the emotional intimacy in the relationship as well.
• 27:27
  Speaker 3: And the one thing that we always like wrap everything up with, because it has to do with all of this, is communication, right, so talking about, okay, there are like I almost feel like it's a ladder, like the things we're talking about, the bottom of the ladder for emotional intimacy, like the basics need to be there in order to have great sex, right, and then you can step a couple steps up and be like okay, now we get into romance and things that can be done when you're even more emotionally connected but don't need to be in place technically all the time before their sexual connection.
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I love that.
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: Does that make sense?
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I like that.
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: I think that's a good analogy.
• 28:08
  Speaker 3: Okay.
• 28:08
  Speaker 3: So if you're struggling, I think I just wanted to point out about our emotional intimacy course workbook, blueprint kind of you know, and I think that if you are having a struggle in your marriage where you really aren't connecting sexually or emotionally, or maybe you just want to take it up a notch but you don't really know what conversations to have, that's kind of why we created this and I just want to like just say a couple of topics that we go over Content, communication styles, conversation starters, different types of intimacy, love languages, getting your priorities in order, expectations, conflict resolution, forgiveness, non-sexual touch, romance comparison, setting boundaries, screen addiction, ambian jealousy, addressing pet peeves, fun in marriage, importance of date night, and then we have some challenges.
• 29:04
  Speaker 3: There's just a whole ton of things that help you talk about the barriers right To really good emotional intimacy.
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: So yeah, and this can really help you break down those barriers as well.
• 29:16
  Speaker 3: You can grab that in the shop if you need it.
• 29:18
  Speaker 3: But hopefully, I mean just I don't know this game needs to.
• 29:22
  Speaker 3: It's hard, it's a hard game.
• 29:25
  Speaker 2: This is the one game you don't want to play, that's right.
• 29:29
  Speaker 3: The emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy game.
• 29:30
  Speaker 3: That is really, really hard.
• 29:33
  Speaker 3: It's been hard for us.
• 29:34
  Speaker 3: It's a tricky subject right.
• 29:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it really is, and we have about two weeks left that you can sign up for the intimacy and adventure retreat here, march 21st through the 24th.
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: If you have any questions about that, let us know.
• 29:47
  Speaker 2: But, like I said, we're going to be finalizing that here in the next couple of weeks.
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: We've got a great group.
• 29:52
  Speaker 2: It's going to be a really fun event.
• 29:54
  Speaker 2: We have spots open if you're interested in attending.
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: So let us know.
• 29:59
  Speaker 3: Amazing adventure, amazing food, amazing company, amazing business, amazing classes.
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, instruction is awesome.
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: They are fantastic with Greg and Julie Gorman, so let us know if you have any questions, and we hope you enjoyed the podcast.
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: Until next time, we hope each of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.