Latest / Divorce Coaches Academy / The Apology You’re Waiting For May Never Come: Now What?
Transcript
- Tracy Callahan: Thank you for listening to the Divorce Coaches Academy podcast. For more insights and training, visit divorcecoachesacademy.com. Welcome to Divorce Coaches Academy podcast, where we explore the role of divorce coaching in conflict resolution, decision making, and navigating divorce with clarity and intention. Tracy: Welcome back to Divorce Coaches Academy podcast. I'm Tracy, and today's conversation actually came from something I wasn't planning to turn into an episode. But after writing about it recently and hearing from so many people afterward, I realized there was more here than I originally thought. I was sitting by the pool recently and noticed something that caught my attention. Three different people. Three different lounge chairs, all reading the exact same book. And maybe you know what I'm talking about. Maybe this is a familiar scene for you as well. The book with Strangers, a memoir of marriage by Belle Burden. And of course, working in divorce and conflict, I noticed immediately, and of course, I had already read it. I had also listened to interviews, followed conversations, watched reactions. But what struck me wasn't actually the book. It was people's reaction to the book. I find myself wondering, why this one? Why did this particular story seem to hit people in such a specific way? And honestly, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I ended up sharing some thoughts about it recently in an article, and the response surprised me. Not because people were reacting to the specifics of the marriage. What people seemed to connect with was something underneath it. So many of the responses felt like less reactions to someone else's story, and more like people recognizing something in themselves. That feeling of looking backwards and wondering, did I miss something? Did I misunderstand something? Did I know what was happening? Did I ignore something because I wanted to believe something else? And the more I sat with those reactions, the more I realized this wasn't really a conversation about marriage. It was a conversation about meaning. And it was a conversation about conflict. Because one thing I have learned in divorce work isn't that people are rarely grieving only the loss of a relationship. Very often they're grieving the loss of understanding. They are trying so hard to reconcile years of experiences, replaying conversations, revisiting moments, looking at things that suddenly feel different now, trying to understand what happened. And underneath all of that, there is often a quieter question Will they ever understand? Will they ever acknowledge this? Will they ever say they're sorry? And I think that's what I want to talk about today. Not apology, but what apology sometimes represents. So I've been thinking a lot about this idea because one thing I notice in this work, and once you notice it, you really cannot unsee it, is that people almost never walk into divorce coaching saying, hey, I just need an apology. That's never the language. Instead, I hear things like, I just don't understand. If they would just acknowledge it. I don't need anything except for them to understand. I just want them to recognize what happened. And on the surface, those sound different. But underneath them, there's often something very similar. I want my experience recognized. I want what happened to make sense. I want to know I was not imagining this. And honestly, that makes sense. Because divorce has a way of making people question things they have never expected to question. Not just the relationship, but themselves. Their judgment, their identity, their memory, their ability to trust. I've had so many clients say I don't know what was real anymore. And that is such a painful sentence. Because they're usually not saying, I don't know the facts. They're actually saying, I don't trust my understanding anymore. And I think that's where people begin searching for explanation. Because explanation feels stabilizing. So this is often the thought process. If they explain, maybe I'll understand. If I can understand, maybe I'll feel better. If I feel better, maybe I can move forward. But something I've learned during this work is understanding and relief are not always connected. Sometimes people receive the explanation. Sometimes people receive the apology. And guess what? They still feel hurt because what they were actually searching for was something deeper. And I want to stay here for a minute because I think this is where people can feel misunderstood. Because I think sometimes when people hear you may never get the apology. They hear your hurt shouldn't matter, or you need to forgive, or you should just move on. That's not what I mean at all. I think naming hurt matters. I think disappointment matters. I think saying that wasn't okay, I wanted more, I expected more, that matters. But there's a difference between honoring pain. And becoming organized around waiting for someone else to resolve it. And most people don't realize they are doing just that. So I'll hear, I just need one conversation. I just need them to admit it. I just need acknowledgement. And then I get curious. What happens if they do? Tell me what changes. Tell me what becomes possible. And people will ultimately say, then I can stop thinking about it. Then I can move on. Then I can finally let go. And what's interesting here is none of those things actually require the other person. Those are internal experiences. I'm thinking about a couple conversations I had. Not one specific client, but honestly, A version of a conversation I have had many times over the years with many clients. Someone will say to me, I don't even care if we stay together anymore. I just need him to admit it. And I remember thinking, and then asking, tell me what happens if he does. And she pauses. Well then I'll know I wasn't crazy. And then we sit for a minute. Because actually, that answer isn't about the other party. It wasn't really about accountability. It wasn't even about the marriage. It was about self-trust. It was about wanting confirmation that our experience had been real. So I keep going. If he never says it, dot dot dot. Does that mean your experience becomes less true? And I remember clients typically get quiet. Not because they all of a sudden have an answer, but because they realize for the first time that they've been handing another person authority over their own understanding. And again, this isn't about blame. This isn't about whether that client was right. It was noticing that she had unintentionally tied her ability to move forward to another person's capacity to reflect. And I think a lot of people do this. Not because they're weak, not because they're stuck, but because being understood feels safe. Being understood creates certainty, and certainty feels stabilizing. But eventually she says something I'll never forget. She says, I think I've been waiting for him to give me permission to believe myself. And I thought, yeah, that's it. Not because that solved everything. Not because she now immediately moved forward. Because once she could see it, guess what? She had options again. Not options regarding how do I make him understand? But options as to what does she need to do now? What supports her now? What decisions belong to her now? And yeah, to me, that's movement. Not closure, not closure, but movement. Which means while another person may support movement, they may not be responsible for creating it. And I think one of the reasons this becomes so difficult in divorce is because people expect logistical uncertainty. They do not expect identity uncertainty. Who am I now? Can I trust myself? Was I wrong? What does this say about me? When certainty disappears, guess what? People search for answers, for explanation, for meaning. And sometimes that search becomes attached to another person. If they just explain, then I'll know. If they just apologize, then I'll trust myself again. But I'm not sure those things are always connected. And honestly, I think one of the most interesting things about divorce is that people think they are negotiating with the other person. But very often, guess what? They're negotiating with themselves, negotiating with grief, negotiating with disappointment, negotiating with identity, negotiating with expectations. Yeah, negotiating with reality. And one question I've started asking more often is this: What would moving forward look like if acknowledgement never comes? Not because we stop wanting it, but because I think that question truly reveals capacity. And once people start answering that, They often realized movement had been available longer than they thought. And again, not because they suddenly feel okay, but because they stop waiting for someone else to unlock the next chapter. And that, my friends, is where divorce coaching becomes incredibly, incredibly important. Because our response is not. Just let it go, or that's not our work. We stay with people longer than that. We ask, what does an apology represent? What would acknowledgement change? What feels threatened? What feels unfinished? What can become possible? And once people stay there, something shifts. People discover and realize maybe what I wanted was not an apology. Maybe it was certainty. Maybe it was trust. Maybe it was permission. Maybe it was support. Maybe I needed someone to help me remember that I still have choices. And that's where I want to leave today's conversation. Because if you take nothing else from this episode, I hope it's this. There is a difference between needing acknowledgement and needing permission. And sometimes in divorce, those become intertwined. People begin waiting for understanding before they allow themselves to decide. Waiting for apology before they allow themselves to heal. Waiting for explanation before they allow themselves to trust themselves again. And people do not always receive those things. Not because their experience wasn't important. No. Not because what happened didn't matter. But because another person's capacity to reflect, acknowledge, or repair. Is not always available. I'm going to say that again. Because another person's capacity to reflect and acknowledge or repair is not always available. And that's painful. Yep, it is painful. But it's also where possibility begins. Because when we stop organizing movement around what another person may or may not do, we begin asking different questions. What do I need? What matters to me? What feels aligned? What choices are available? What would support my well being moving forward? And to me, yeah, that is where divorce coaching lives all day. Law. At Divorce Coaches Academy, we talk often about the fact that divorce coaching is not about telling clients what to do. It's not directing decisions. We are neutral to the outcome. It's not creating dependency. It's not becoming the voice that replaces a spouse, an attorney, a friend, or a family member. Our role is something much more nuanced. We help people slow down enough to hear themselves again. We help people identify what feels threatened. We help people understand what's driving reactions. We help people distinguish between what they can influence, yeah, and what they can't. We help create space for reflection. Where emotion has narrowed possibility. We help people reconnect with capacity. Because people navigating divorce do not always need more information. Often they need support in making meaning for themselves. They need someone who can stay present long enough for them to discover. What do I want? What matters now? Who am I becoming through this? And perhaps most importantly, what can I do for myself from here? Again, not because the answers are easy, not because the hurt disappears, but because movement that comes from within creates something different than movement built around waiting. Greater clarity, greater confidence, greater trust in themselves, and ultimately, yeah, greater well-being. So if today's conversation resonated with you, maybe the question isn't, will our clients ever understand? Maybe the question becomes, what are they waiting to receive before they allow themselves to move forward? And what might become possible if they trusted that they already had more capacity than they thought. So I'm gonna leave you with that. I want to thank you so much for joining me at another episode of Divorce Coaches Academy. Take care, everyone.