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41 | Depending on the Vibe... · You Didn't Ask For This

• 0:00
  Matt: All right, I am tired of sitting idly by and watching and and experiencing this transgression against humanity continuing anymore.
• 0:15
  Matt: Go on.
• 0:16
  Matt: Speaker.
• 0:16
  Matt: Do we not?
• 0:18
  Matt: Do we not, Eric, live in one of the most technologically advanced countries on the planet, if not the most?
• 0:27
  Matt: We do, Matthew.
• 0:29
  Matt: To just about anything on the planet, can we not say we have the technology?
• 0:36
  Matt: Is that not applicable?
• 0:37
  Eric: I mean, like, in the year of our Lord, where there's like three three out of four of our digits are the number two, I I feel like we're we're doing pretty well technology technologically.
• 0:47
  Matt: I feel like we're doing pretty well.
• 0:49
  Matt: I feel like we can do most things on this planet, you know?
• 0:53
  Matt: Yeah.
• 0:54
  Matt: And to this planet.
• 0:55
  Matt: And to this planet.
• 0:58
  Matt: And and God knows we have made injustices to through that technology.
• 1:04
  Matt: Oh, God knows.
• 1:05
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:05
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 1:07
  Matt: But but we have also solved some of the greatest problems with this technology, with these brains of ours, with the scientific advancement.
• 1:18
  Matt: And it is for this reason, Eric, that I want to know why in the year of our Lord 2022.
• 1:26
  Matt: 2 aught to two.
• 1:27
  Matt: 2-0-2.
• 1:30
  Matt: Why Reese has not figured out a way to give me a jar of the peanut butter that is inside their peanut butter cups.
• 1:41
  Matt: And I'm not talking about the peanut butter jar that bears the Reese's name.
• 1:47
  Eric: That is a lie.
• 1:48
  Eric: Have you seen it?
• 1:48
  Eric: I've seen.
• 1:49
  Eric: That is a lie.
• 1:50
  Matt: You know what lies inside that jar?
• 1:52
  Eric: Basic ass peanut butter.
• 1:54
  Matt: Fucking peanut butter.
• 1:56
  Eric: I don't want actual peanut butter.
• 1:59
  Eric: I want air quotes peanut butter.
• 2:01
  Matt: I want a vat of whatever the substance is inside the peanut butter cup.
• 2:09
  Matt: Inside its chocolate housing.
• 2:11
  Eric: I I just like with craft singles, I want a jar of peanut butter product.
• 2:17
  Eric: I want this to happen.
• 2:20
  Eric: Why hasn't it happened?
• 2:23
  Eric: We're fucking up.
• 2:24
  Eric: Yes.
• 2:24
  Matt: We this is a missed opportunity on a global scale.
• 2:30
  Matt: First of all, everybody has Reese.
• 2:32
  Matt: Reese has spread his cups across the galaxy.
• 2:36
  Matt: Reese's Reese's cuppies.
• 2:39
  Matt: There's definitely cups in space.
• 2:40
  Matt: No, yeah.
• 2:41
  Matt: There's gotta be Reese's cups in space.
• 2:43
  Matt: We have Reese's eggs.
• 2:45
  Matt: We have Reese's pumpkins.
• 2:47
  Matt: We have Reese's ice cream and cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory.
• 2:53
  Matt: We have every manner of Reese's.
• 2:56
  Matt: Just give me the vat of the peanut butter substance.
• 3:02
  Matt: Why can't I have this?
• 3:04
  Eric: I I never thought I'd be saying this, but please give me that nut butter.
• 3:12
  Eric: Please call you can call it nut butter if you can call it like that.
• 3:17
  Eric: You can call it anything you want.
• 3:18
  Eric: Gotta crack a few eggs.
• 3:20
  Eric: You don't think people will buy this Hershey's?
• 3:23
  Eric: Come on.
• 3:24
  Eric: See, I think no, that's the thing.
• 3:27
  Eric: I think, and this isn't a dig on Reese's, but like I don't come to the to the Reese's for the chocolate.
• 3:36
  Matt: I don't come to the Reese's for the chocolate.
• 3:37
  Eric: I don't come to the Reese's for the chocolate.
• 3:39
  Eric: I come for that.
• 3:40
  Eric: Now it is good.
• 3:41
  Eric: The chocolate is good.
• 3:42
  Eric: The whole package.
• 3:43
  Eric: Yeah, it's very it's amazing.
• 3:44
  Eric: Like it's a complete package.
• 3:46
  Eric: But if I had access to the source, like just that, and I could put that on anything I wanted, Reese's would never see another solitary scent from me.
• 3:58
  Matt: I see.
• 3:58
  Matt: You so you think you could then make your own Reese's cups?
• 4:02
  Matt: Is that the reason?
• 4:03
  Matt: Oh yeah.
• 4:04
  Matt: Are you wait a minute, Erica?
• 4:06
  Matt: I thought this would be a big monetary boom for uh for uh the Reese's and for the Hershey's, but you're saying the opposite.
• 4:15
  Matt: You think they're doing this to keep the proprietary control.
• 4:20
  Matt: Is that what you're saying?
• 4:21
  Eric: Absol fucking lately.
• 4:22
  Eric: Now there is an argument you made.
• 4:24
  Eric: If I did have it, I could then take two Reese cups, right?
• 4:29
  Eric: Slather the nut butter between them, sandwich them, and have like a meta Reese cup.
• 4:35
  Matt: Yes, or you could just take like a imagine what I'm about to say.
• 4:39
  Matt: Just imagine it.
• 4:40
  Matt: I want you to close your eyes, think through this.
• 4:43
  Matt: You take, you get you melt down some chocolate, right?
• 4:46
  Matt: You make yourself some melted chocolate, okay, and you take like a muffin tin.
• 4:51
  Matt: Oh, fuck me, don't.
• 4:52
  Matt: And you line that muffin tin with the chocolate.
• 4:55
  Matt: Oh, fuck.
• 4:56
  Matt: Okay.
• 4:57
  Matt: Stick that shit in the freezer for two days and bring it out.
• 5:01
  Matt: It's nice and cold.
• 5:02
  Matt: It doesn't need to be in there for two days.
• 5:04
  Eric: But I like no, it's good.
• 5:06
  Eric: You thought about this.
• 5:07
  Matt: Six hours would probably do the chocolate.
• 5:09
  Eric: No, you just put it in there for two days.
• 5:11
  Eric: Let it marinate.
• 5:13
  Eric: Let it absorb some of the some of the other freezer, you know, get some of that freezer seasoning on it.
• 5:19
  Eric: Yes, yes.
• 5:20
  Eric: Like you're smoking a meat.
• 5:21
  Eric: Yes.
• 5:22
  Matt: You leave it in, you leave it in there.
• 5:24
  Eric: Dry aged chocolate.
• 5:26
  Matt: You take a big ol' scoop of your peanut butter product and you branded Reese's peanut butter product.
• 5:33
  Matt: You fill that up, then you drizzle on the top of the air, and then you have a fucking muffin-size Reese's cup.
• 5:41
  Eric: Yeah, fam.
• 5:43
  Eric: Yeah.
• 5:43
  Eric: See, that'll ruin Reese's.
• 5:45
  Eric: Like that'll that will put them the fuck under.
• 5:48
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 5:49
  Matt: I once bought the two.
• 5:51
  Matt: Have you ever seen the two-pound Reese's cup?
• 5:53
  Eric: Oh, yeah.
• 5:53
  Eric: The bait, the, the, the, and the horse you rode in on cup.
• 5:58
  Matt: Oh, yeah.
• 5:59
  Matt: I bought that once because Lindsay was like, you're not buying it.
• 6:02
  Matt: And I said, Don't tell me what I can't do.
• 6:04
  Matt: And then I bought it.
• 6:05
  Matt: And we ate it.
• 6:06
  Matt: And it was delicious.
• 6:07
  Matt: It's it was the time that I was like, this is the maximum amount of like bite of the peanut butter product.
• 6:14
  Matt: I can handle it one time.
• 6:15
  Eric: Gotcha.
• 6:15
  Eric: You've you found your you found your.
• 6:17
  Eric: I like to imagine that when you guys, when you ate it, you carved it like a Christmas goose.
• 6:23
  Eric: Like it was at the table.
• 6:24
  Eric: We did, we like it.
• 6:25
  Eric: We did.
• 6:25
  Eric: Like you're carving roast beast.
• 6:28
  Matt: Yes.
• 6:29
  Matt: Yes, we had to cut off it in sections.
• 6:31
  Matt: We ate it in sections because it was actually like too rich, the peanut butter product.
• 6:38
  Matt: Anyway, turns out my blood test said uh my sugar is high.
• 6:41
  Matt: Can you believe that?
• 6:45
  Eric: Get you some nut butter today.
• 7:10
  Matt: My name's Eric Poach.
• 7:12
  Matt: And uh, number 41 we got on tap for you today, where it's a new era, it's a new dawn, it's a new day.
• 7:19
  Matt: And I'm feeling good.
• 7:22
  Matt: Good, yes.
• 7:27
  Matt: Just to I don't we can't spend the whole episode talking about Reese's and Reese's related.
• 7:31
  Eric: No, we can also spend it talking about Michael Bublet.
• 7:33
  Matt: We could, we absolutely could.
• 7:35
  Matt: You know, saw Michael Bublet in concert.
• 7:37
  Matt: He does a great show.
• 7:37
  Matt: Oh Michael does a great show.
• 7:40
  Matt: Now, I want to add um one more thing about the Reese's thing.
• 7:44
  unknown: Yeah.
• 7:45
  Matt: I feel like Fastbreak doesn't get enough credit.
• 7:49
  Matt: Have you had a fast break recently?
• 7:51
  Matt: Oh, fast break, fast break, people are sleeping on fast break.
• 7:55
  Matt: People are sleeping on fast break.
• 7:57
  Matt: When fast break first came out, it uh it blew my mind.
• 8:00
  Matt: Because here's what I'll say about I can do most candy bars.
• 8:04
  Matt: Like as soon as I'm done with it, I wish I had another.
• 8:08
  Matt: You know what I mean?
• 8:09
  Matt: Like I can down a candy bar.
• 8:11
  Eric: Oh my god, yeah.
• 8:12
  Eric: Like there are certain candy, I can just like inhale them.
• 8:14
  Matt: If you keep giving them to me, it's not a straight up Hershey bar, it's gone.
• 8:19
  Matt: It's just down there.
• 8:20
  Eric: I just it's yeah.
• 8:22
  Matt: But a fast break is so heavy.
• 8:25
  Matt: It actually is heavy.
• 8:27
  Matt: Oh, it's it's dense.
• 8:28
  Matt: It's dense, it has a weight to it.
• 8:30
  Matt: You could you could injure someone with a fast break if you threw it at an eye.
• 8:35
  Eric: Now uh I you an eye or a temple.
• 8:41
  Eric: You could you could like you hit someone in the throat with that, they'll they'll cough and choke for a second.
• 8:45
  Eric: They'll think they're they'll think they're dying.
• 8:46
  Eric: They won't actually be hurt, but they'll think they're dying.
• 8:48
  Matt: They'll definitely have to do one of those, like, oh god, Jesus, man.
• 8:52
  Eric: They'll do like the panic thing.
• 8:53
  Matt: Uh yeah, and then realize they're fine.
• 8:55
  Matt: Yeah, absolutely.
• 8:56
  Eric: And by then I've already ran away.
• 8:57
  Matt: But they yeah, they'll be rubbing the throat the rest of the day.
• 9:00
  Eric: Um I I I will I will I will hit you with this.
• 9:04
  Eric: Um, I do love me a fast break, uh, but I think for the connoisseur.
• 9:09
  Matt: Oh, yes.
• 9:10
  Matt: Which I'd consider myself of of Reese's.
• 9:12
  Eric: The Take Five.
• 9:14
  Eric: Ooh, the Take Five.
• 9:17
  Eric: I haven't had a Take Five in a minute.
• 9:19
  Eric: I'm a fan of like having many like elements involved.
• 9:23
  Eric: And God, there's just so much going on.
• 9:25
  Matt: The Reese's.
• 9:26
  Matt: Okay, so I'd say the Reese's peanut butter cup, that's like the old standby.
• 9:31
  Matt: You know what you love.
• 9:32
  Eric: Oh my god, yeah, I'm never mad at it.
• 9:33
  Matt: I'm never mad at it.
• 9:34
  Matt: I'm never mad to encounter one in any size.
• 9:37
  Matt: The big cup, the regular cup, the mini cup.
• 9:40
  Matt: Any of them.
• 9:42
  Matt: Even the thins.
• 9:43
  Matt: The thins.
• 9:43
  Matt: Even the thins are good.
• 9:45
  Matt: You know, they're all the same.
• 9:46
  Matt: When I have a thin, I just kind of wish it was a regular size.
• 9:48
  Matt: But you know what I'm saying.
• 9:49
  Eric: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 9:50
  Matt: And then the fast break, it's like a it's decadent.
• 9:53
  Matt: It's like a delicacy.
• 9:55
  Matt: It's a it's a treat onto itself.
• 9:58
  Matt: You know, it's like a dessert from dessert.
• 10:00
  Matt: But the the take five, that's an adventure.
• 10:04
  Eric: It is an adventure.
• 10:05
  Eric: It is a thank you because you bite into it.
• 10:07
  Eric: Go with me on this journey.
• 10:08
  Eric: You bite into the take five, and like you're like, oh, I've got some crunch there and a little bit of salt.
• 10:14
  Eric: Is that pretzel?
• 10:16
  Eric: Oh my god, is that they mixed nuts in this nut butter?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_02: The nut butter company did it again.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my god, and with that nice little in that like they give you like that nice little oval of it, of like everything.
• 10:29
  Matt: So oh my god.
• 10:30
  Matt: And you know, unwillingly, or I should say unwittingly, Eric, this this cold open into this intro is a really great transition to our first question of the day.
• 10:42
  Matt: Uh, should we get started with the show, or do you just want to talk about candy bars for the whole episode?
• 10:47
  Eric: I do want to talk about candy bars for just like one more second, though.
• 10:50
  Eric: Sure.
• 10:51
  Eric: Uh just to say, um, this is gonna be one of those times, fam, we're just gonna level with you.
• 10:56
  Eric: We're not getting paid to like just like talk about how much we love Reese's, but we are two men in our 30s.
• 11:03
  Eric: So we're in our Reese's phase right now.
• 11:06
  Eric: We're kind of we're in the Reese's chrysalis that we will spend a lot of time in.
• 11:10
  Eric: We'll be in this until like probably our early 50s when we will merge into the Worthers zone.
• 11:16
  Eric: You know what I mean?
• 11:17
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 11:17
  Matt: First of all, I love a Worthers now, but I am an old man and it's trapped inside a 32-year-old body.
• 11:22
  Eric: That all said, I mean, Reese's, if you want to throw us some bucks, like all said if a couple of couple crates of take fives were to fall off the truck.
• 11:31
  Matt: Should we, you know, Eric, we haven't, you know, we've said this for multiple products before.
• 11:35
  Matt: Yeah, like we've done like a hey company.
• 11:39
  Matt: If you we love your product, but we're advertising for free.
• 11:42
  Matt: But if you wanted to pay us, we'll do it.
• 11:44
  Matt: Yeah.
• 11:45
  Matt: We've said that several times.
• 11:46
  Matt: Maybe should we?
• 11:47
  Matt: I know Will Arnett has the spokesman job for Reese's like down pat, but like, should we uh should we offer an audition right now?
• 11:55
  Eric: We should offer an aud.
• 11:56
  Eric: Yes, absolutely.
• 11:57
  Eric: Okay, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
• 11:59
  Matt: All right, so um, you want to give me your endorsement for this this is what you Reese's could have if you chose to give us money.
• 12:09
  Matt: So, Eric, uh take one in three, two, one.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: Reese's take five.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: Fuck me up, fam.
• 12:21
  Matt: I'm sure they love that, as it's like.
• 12:23
  Eric: I'm like, I love that shit.
• 12:25
  Eric: All right, Matt, are you ready?
• 12:26
  Eric: Yeah, sure.
• 12:27
  Eric: All right, all right, come into you, come to you in three, two, one, hit me.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: This episode is brought to you by Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_01: You know, the nut butter you turn to in your darkest moments and your brightest days.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: Reese's not sorry.
• 12:48
  Eric: Dude, can we talk how fucking powerful of a of a campaign would that be for a company where their tagline is just sorry, not sorry.
• 12:59
  Matt: Hold on.
• 13:00
  Matt: Um is someone gonna tell him?
• 13:03
  Matt: Should I tell them?
• 13:04
  Eric: Oh no.
• 13:05
  Eric: Is that already a thing?
• 13:06
  Matt: That's Reese's motto.
• 13:08
  Matt: That's is it?
• 13:09
  Matt: That's literally the Reese's tagline.
• 13:11
  Eric: Not sorry, not sorry.
• 13:12
  Eric: Up are they not sorry that they're not selling the the fucking peanut butter in stores?
• 13:18
  Eric: You son of a bitch, Reese! Oh, that is powerful.
• 13:21
  Matt: That is yeah, no, that's real, that really is their tagline, isn't that energy?
• 13:25
  Matt: See, that's what I said.
• 13:26
  Matt: With my audition, I even brought the corporate goods.
• 13:29
  Matt: That that is good.
• 13:30
  Eric: I'm a you're being professional.
• 13:32
  Eric: You're embodying the Reese's family values.
• 13:36
  Eric: I am Reese, basically.
• 13:38
  Matt: Basically, I don't have any control.
• 13:40
  Matt: Anyway, um, should we start the show?
• 13:43
  Eric: We just want to say uh one more thing for for listening to our Reese's auditioning pieces.
• 13:49
  Matt: Yes, our Reese's That one you can have for free.
• 13:55
  Matt: I'm gonna have that be my monologue the next time I have an audition.
• 13:58
  Matt: Um this is my Reese's piece.
• 14:00
  Matt: Um I'm gonna do a piece from Reese's.
• 14:05
  Matt: Oh God.
• 14:06
  Matt: Anyway, Eric, we have a um we have a a voicemail here from the thought line um from our latest guest, actually, Zach Deuce.
• 14:18
  Matt: Zach E D left us a voice.
• 14:19
  Matt: Zach E D back from back for more.
• 14:22
  Matt: Uh should we should we give it a listen?
• 14:24
  Eric: Yeah, let's give it a listen.
• 14:26
  Matt: Hello, gentlemen.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_04: This is this is me.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know if you know who I am.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_04: I have a question for you.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know if you've ever heard this question before.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_04: Maybe there is a regular way.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_04: Is there a particular order?
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_04: How do I keep the jelly getting back in the peanut butter?
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_04: Or wait your infinite answer with weighted breath.
• 15:18
  Matt: Well, I guess I kind of um gave away who it was there.
• 15:22
  Matt: But it's clearly Zach Deuce has gotten it.
• 15:24
  Eric: Oh, it's clearly Zach Deuce buttery voice.
• 15:26
  Eric: It was Zach Deuce the whole time.
• 15:27
  Matt: I mean, come on now.
• 15:28
  Eric: Yeah.
• 15:29
  Matt: He gives himself away.
• 15:30
  Matt: He does.
• 15:31
  Matt: And he brings to us a very important peanut butter-based question.
• 15:34
  Eric: I love that the Deuce gave us this gift of of ex of of helping our listeners understand that there are exactly two categories that a question can fall into.
• 15:44
  Eric: Questions that have a right answer or questions that do not have a right answer.
• 15:48
  Matt: Uh-huh.
• 15:49
  Matt: And which do you think this is?
• 15:51
  Eric: Oh, I think this is a this is definitely a the former kind of deal.
• 15:56
  Eric: There is a right answer about how to make a PB and J.
• 15:59
  Matt: Okay.
• 16:00
  Matt: I am intrigued.
• 16:02
  Matt: Something tells me this could go strong opinion.
• 16:04
  Matt: This could go one of two ways.
• 16:05
  Matt: All right, Mr.
• 16:06
  Matt: Strong Opinion.
• 16:07
  Matt: I came down pretty hard on the peanut butter cup debacle that's happening in this country and indeed the world.
• 16:13
  Matt: So why don't you tell me, Eric?
• 16:15
  Matt: So walk me through a PBJ.
• 16:18
  Eric: Honestly, the more I think about it, yeah, like peanut butter and jelly as a as a metaphysical concept is nothing but strong opinions.
• 16:26
  Eric: No.
• 16:27
  Eric: I'm just gonna walk this through through you.
• 16:29
  Eric: Like I'm gonna I'm just gonna name aspects of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
• 16:32
  Eric: You tell me which one you don't have a strong opinion on.
• 16:35
  Eric: Okay.
• 16:35
  Eric: What kind of bread you use?
• 16:37
  Eric: Decently strong opinion, yeah.
• 16:39
  Eric: Flavor of jelly, decently strong opinion, yeah.
• 16:42
  Eric: Smooth or crunchy peanut butter.
• 16:43
  Matt: Definitely have a strong opinion.
• 16:44
  Eric: Okay, so how you cut it or if you cut it once you're done making it.
• 16:49
  Eric: I have a strong opinion.
• 16:50
  Eric: Okay, so like the PJ is just made of opinions.
• 16:56
  Matt: It's an opinion sandwich.
• 16:58
  Eric: It's an opinion sandwich.
• 16:59
  Eric: Yes.
• 17:00
  Eric: So let's uh I'm gonna start with my objectively correct opinions.
• 17:03
  Eric: Okay, cool.
• 17:04
  Eric: Um good, and then I'll then I'll correct them.
• 17:07
  Eric: Thank you.
• 17:08
  Eric: And and this is and this is the wild thing, is because yeah, it is nothing but obje uh like uh uh subjective opinions that I will defend as if they are objective truth.
• 17:20
  Eric: Uh and I think that's true for everyone with their PB and J.
• 17:22
  Eric: Like it there's no there's no logic.
• 17:26
  Eric: There's no it's there's no logic to a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
• 17:29
  Eric: I think there's some logic.
• 17:31
  Eric: There's some log well, there's some logic in the fashioning, but like in terms of tastes, like what you like in your like your options.
• 17:38
  Eric: That being said, mine are right, everyone else is a wrong.
• 17:41
  Matt: Yeah, let's get into it.
• 17:42
  Matt: Let's get into these so-called right answers.
• 17:44
  Matt: Go ahead, Eric.
• 17:45
  Matt: Walk me through.
• 17:45
  Eric: Let's start with bread.
• 17:46
  Eric: You're making a PBJ, it has to be it's like a it's like a good grilled cheese.
• 17:52
  Eric: Fucking simple, basic ass bread.
• 17:54
  Eric: If I'm talking white bread, like wonder bread.
• 17:57
  Matt: Eric, I'm jumping in.
• 17:58
  Matt: I'm jumping in.
• 18:00
  Eric: Tag in, tag in.
• 18:00
  Matt: You're absolutely correct.
• 18:02
  Matt: If you bring anything with the word grain to the table, fuck off.
• 18:07
  Matt: Get the fuck off of this breakfast lunch table.
• 18:10
  Matt: Ew.
• 18:11
  Matt: If it it needs to have the color of a uncrustable scene.
• 18:17
  Matt: Yes.
• 18:18
  Matt: It needs to be white.
• 18:19
  Matt: It needs to be white bread.
• 18:21
  Eric: Yeah.
• 18:21
  Matt: The white, like the whitest bread.
• 18:24
  Matt: Yes, the lamest looking sugary bread you can come up with.
• 18:29
  Eric: Bleached flour, like, yes.
• 18:31
  Eric: Wonder bread quality.
• 18:34
  Eric: Yes.
• 18:34
  Matt: Yes.
• 18:35
  Eric: Um, so that's that's first.
• 18:37
  Eric: Um with you.
• 18:39
  Eric: Second.
• 18:39
  Matt: I already know where we're gonna differ, but continue.
• 18:41
  Eric: Oh, oh, I I guarantee goddamn to you, I do as well.
• 18:45
  Eric: Um jelly.
• 18:46
  Matt: Now yeah, you do too, because you skipped it.
• 18:49
  Matt: Continue.
• 18:50
  Eric: Oh, we'll get it.
• 18:54
  Eric: Jelly, jelly, come on.
• 18:55
  Eric: Jelly, jelly.
• 18:56
  Eric: Um, so so here's so here's my thing.
• 18:59
  Eric: Um, in the jelly camp, you're honestly, honestly, here's what my thing is.
• 19:04
  Eric: I don't where my strong opinion lies with jelly isn't so much whether it's grape or strawberry, it is that grape and strawberry are your only two options.
• 19:17
  Eric: You don't get like apricot jam up in this shit.
• 19:21
  Eric: It's not a peanut butter mermalade.
• 19:24
  Eric: No, no, no, no.
• 19:25
  Matt: You might have a nice sandwich.
• 19:26
  Matt: You might have a nice peanut butter and company sandwich.
• 19:30
  Eric: Yeah, you might have a nice peanut butter and raspberry reduction like compote sandwich, but don't call it a it's like when we talked about grilled cheeses, right?
• 19:41
  Matt: There's a place in this world for the fancy grilled cheese, and there's a place in this world for a PB and J, but it's not a PBJ if you have apricot jam in there.
• 19:51
  Eric: Get the fuck.
• 19:52
  Eric: I'm sure it's lit, like, don't just the it's a principles thing.
• 19:58
  Matt: I think it's I think it's color-based, okay?
• 20:00
  Matt: I think if your jam jelly falls within the spectrum of red going on burgundy and unnaturally purple purple, you have a proper jam for your j for your jelly.
• 20:15
  Eric: That is your lane.
• 20:16
  Eric: Stay the fuck in it if you want on this PBNJ train.
• 20:20
  Eric: Fuck yeah.
• 20:21
  Eric: All right, we're we're pretty together so far.
• 20:24
  Eric: We're pretty together.
• 20:25
  Eric: So, what do we got so far?
• 20:26
  Eric: We've got uh uh we've got the bread.
• 20:28
  Eric: We get cheap ass bread.
• 20:29
  Eric: Cheap ass bread.
• 20:30
  Eric: You get either grape or strawberry, jelly jam, whatever, as long as it's grape or strawberry, purple looking jelly substance.
• 20:36
  Eric: Oh, wait, do you hear that?
• 20:38
  unknown: Woo!
• 20:39
  Eric: No, it's the elephant in the room.
• 20:41
  Eric: Uh peanut butter.
• 20:44
  Eric: Yeah, yeah.
• 20:45
  Eric: All right.
• 20:46
  Eric: So you have two options, right?
• 20:48
  Eric: Pretty much.
• 20:49
  Eric: Your options are crunchy and wrong.
• 20:52
  Eric: Those are your options.
• 20:54
  Eric: Crunchy and wrong.
• 20:56
  Eric: Matt, I can't.
• 20:56
  Eric: Oh, I think my audio cut out.
• 20:58
  Eric: I can't hear you like I can't hear you like busting down my door to like now.
• 21:04
  Matt: I was just packing up because this podcast is over.
• 21:07
  Eric: Oh, Matt, this is gonna be what breaks us.
• 21:10
  Eric: You likes it.
• 21:13
  Matt: You load up your PBJ.
• 21:16
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 21:18
  Matt: With literally nutty nut butter with with obstacles.
• 21:24
  Matt: With obstacles?
• 21:25
  Matt: With the shit that the peanut butter is made of?
• 21:28
  Matt: Yeah, I don't want that in my peanut butter.
• 21:30
  Matt: It's like it's you probably like you probably like extra pulp orange juice, don't you?
• 21:38
  Eric: Ooh, fuck.
• 21:38
  Eric: No, I'm I'm a fucking pulp man.
• 21:40
  Eric: You're a pulp man.
• 21:42
  Eric: I hate pulp.
• 21:43
  Eric: I love crunch.
• 21:44
  Eric: No, absolutely.
• 21:45
  Matt: My dad love me some.
• 21:46
  Eric: My dad.
• 21:47
  Matt: My dad'll get extra crunchy peanut butter.
• 21:49
  Eric: Yes, because your dad is an upstanding citizen of this country.
• 21:55
  Matt: Just get a thing of planners and dump them in there if you love them so good.
• 21:58
  Matt: I want my peanuts wet.
• 22:00
  Matt: I'm sorry that I live a smooth life.
• 22:04
  Matt: I'm sorry fucking smooth.
• 22:05
  Matt: I'm sorry that I'm smooth as silk and everybody universally agrees with that.
• 22:11
  Matt: No.
• 22:12
  Matt: It's a fact that many women have told me over my life.
• 22:18
  Matt: It was so laughable we couldn't even get through the bit.
• 22:21
  Matt: No.
• 22:23
  Eric: So like I'm and and I, you know, no disrespect to the street.
• 22:27
  Eric: Everything else is smart.
• 22:29
  Eric: It's a milky bread.
• 22:30
  Matt: That's why you need to like wake it up.
• 22:34
  Matt: Absolutely not.
• 22:35
  Matt: That's why uncrustables got rid of the crust, so there'd be literally nothing stopping the sandwich from melting in your mouth.
• 22:42
  Matt: Oh my God.
• 22:44
  Matt: Matt, there No, I'm sorry, Eric.
• 22:48
  Matt: I can't compromise on this.
• 22:50
  Eric: I can't compromise on sin.
• 22:52
  Eric: And that's this is what I mean.
• 22:54
  Eric: A PBJ is made of opinions.
• 22:57
  Eric: Like it is made.
• 22:59
  Matt: We are on the first question, and I'm sweaty.
• 23:01
  Eric: I am, I like, I am, I, I, I am, I'm like shaking a little.
• 23:05
  Eric: It is an obstacle, Eric.
• 23:07
  Matt: You are biting into something, you get these crunches.
• 23:10
  Matt: Now I got a chew.
• 23:12
  Matt: Two different types of chewing going on.
• 23:14
  Matt: Two two different types of two different types of chewing.
• 23:18
  Matt: Two different types.
• 23:19
  unknown: Eric.
• 23:20
  Matt: Two different types of chewing.
• 23:20
  Matt: Eric, you were you were talking to somebody who with at no less than once a day will get a spoonful of creamy peanut butter and just put that spoon directly in my mouth.
• 23:31
  Matt: Bro, same, but not with that gross ass smooth shit.
• 23:36
  Matt: Eric, Eric, you t Eric, did you met Okay?
• 23:41
  Matt: I knew you were a crunchy person.
• 23:43
  Matt: I could tell.
• 23:44
  Matt: I could tell.
• 23:44
  Matt: Crunchy gang, rise up.
• 23:46
  Matt: Because you're wrong about a lot of things and I overlook it.
• 23:50
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 23:51
  Matt: That's fuck.
• 23:54
  Matt: But and I do that for the goodness of this friendship.
• 23:57
  Matt: Yeah.
• 23:58
  Matt: For this for this business that we have.
• 24:01
  Eric: Did you just like we're in church and I like fucking cut in line?
• 24:05
  Eric: You're like, I forgive you.
• 24:07
  Eric: What the fuck is that?
• 24:10
  Matt: Eric, Eric, no, I have forgiven you in the past tense.
• 24:16
  Matt: But this is a challenge that I can't overlook.
• 24:21
  Matt: Smooth-brained bastard.
• 24:23
  Matt: And what?
• 24:24
  Matt: Alright, now I I hasn't I hesitate to even ask.
• 24:27
  Matt: I'm a little afraid.
• 24:28
  Matt: When you go to get your crunchy peanut butter, yeah.
• 24:32
  Matt: Because look, I'm not saying I hate crunchy peanut butter.
• 24:36
  Matt: Okay.
• 24:36
  Matt: I've I've enjoyed a crunchy peanut butter.
• 24:38
  Eric: I'm not saying I hate smooth peanut butter.
• 24:41
  Eric: I don't know.
• 24:41
  Matt: You came out pretty hard against it.
• 24:43
  Eric: I uh Matt, you literally just had to explain to me that you forgive me my sins.
• 24:49
  Eric: Well, uh forgave me.
• 24:51
  Eric: Sorry, forgave.
• 24:53
  Eric: You implicitly like side-stated that I have committed an unforgivable sin.
• 25:01
  Matt: Your other sins were forgivable.
• 25:02
  Matt: This one's a mortal one.
• 25:04
  Matt: It's right up there with murder.
• 25:06
  Matt: Murder.
• 25:07
  Eric: Fucking you know tax evasion.
• 25:11
  Eric: I don't, I'm sure there's like uh now.
• 25:14
  Matt: Listen, here's what I want to get to.
• 25:17
  Matt: Because I we're not gonna find a compromise here.
• 25:19
  Eric: Well, no, we're I think honestly, I think that's what helps us here.
• 25:22
  Eric: It's such an extreme that we have to sit it in the corner and let that fester.
• 25:29
  Matt: There is no bridge across this divide for anyone because there's gonna be people, there's gonna be people listening who are smooth, cool people like me.
• 25:38
  Matt: And there are people mixed up assholes like you.
• 25:41
  Eric: And like in that same token, they're gonna be like bold, brave, adventurous, crunchy gang, rise up, gang, gang, gang, gang.
• 25:50
  Eric: But and then there's gonna be wrong people, stupid and wrong people, stupid assholes, I like to call them.
• 25:56
  Matt: All right, so let's get uh here's here's where I want to know where we stand.
• 25:59
  Matt: This is this is gonna be the real test.
• 26:01
  Eric: Yeah, this is the olive branch of the olive branch of another subject.
• 26:05
  Eric: This is no, it's the same subject in a way.
• 26:07
  Matt: Oh, so I I I am never gonna get you to do say you the correct answer is creamy on a PBJ.
• 26:14
  Matt: You are never gonna get me to say the crunchy is the correct.
• 26:16
  Matt: Yeah.
• 26:16
  Matt: We know this.
• 26:17
  Matt: We know this.
• 26:18
  Matt: But what we can agree with, I think, Eric, is the brand of peanut butter because I feel very strongly, very strongly, yes, that there is a first choice of peanut butter in terms of the mass of produced peanut butter.
• 26:38
  Matt: Amount I get, quality that I get.
• 26:41
  Matt: Okay, yeah, sure.
• 26:42
  Matt: We can talk about amount for sure.
• 26:44
  Matt: But I'm talking about the brand first.
• 26:47
  Eric: Okay.
• 26:47
  Matt: When you go to select your brand of peanut butter, I feel very strongly there is one choice.
• 26:53
  Matt: There's one top shelf.
• 26:55
  Matt: Okay, there are a couple of secondary shelves, and then there are rail peanut butters.
• 27:00
  Eric: There are rail peanut butter size.
• 27:02
  Matt: Then there are just the rails.
• 27:05
  Matt: And I mean, this is like a pyramid.
• 27:06
  Matt: There is a king, there are a couple of second-in-commands, and then there's the shit pile.
• 27:12
  Eric: Yep.
• 27:13
  Eric: Well, Matt, let me let me tell you, let me just make it clear.
• 27:15
  Eric: Let me let me just tell you where I lie.
• 27:17
  Eric: Because I'm I don't even want you to prime the pond.
• 27:19
  Eric: I don't want people to even suspect that you have tried to like because we both know.
• 27:24
  Eric: So when I'm in the peanut butter aisle, I'm reaching toward Peter Pan just so I can go right past it because moms choose Jif.
• 27:34
  Matt: Moms choose Jeff.
• 27:36
  Matt: And Eric, I want you to know I want you to know when you said I reached toward Peter Pan.
• 27:43
  Eric: I could feel the temperature drop in your room.
• 27:46
  Matt: Got goosebumps.
• 27:48
  Matt: I was a because you trembling because I am afraid of anyone who chooses willingly the rail peanut butter that is Peter Pan.
• 27:59
  Eric: Red flag.
• 28:00
  Eric: If they tell there's nothing wrong with eating Peter Pan in a pinch, and that's the only option.
• 28:06
  Eric: Like, I don't know.
• 28:07
  Eric: But if someone's like, oh, my favorite's Peter Pan, red flag.
• 28:12
  Matt: Well, I guess call me a parent because choosy moms and choosy dads choose Jif and everything else is below that.
• 28:20
  Matt: And I will say, because I know there's probably this population of people out there, I mean, maybe we're not wide enough to capture the four people that pro that prefer Skippy.
• 28:31
  Matt: Skippy is on the second rail.
• 28:32
  Eric: Yeah, Skippy.
• 28:33
  Eric: There Skippy ain't nothing wrong with Skippy.
• 28:36
  Matt: Ain't nothing wrong with Skippy.
• 28:37
  Matt: Well, unless we're talking about Star Fox.
• 28:39
  Matt: But otherwise, talking about Star Fox, there's a couple of problems with Skippy.
• 28:44
  Matt: But otherwise, Skippy peanut butter, I'll t I'll take it.
• 28:49
  Eric: I'll t I'll take it.
• 28:50
  Matt: I'll take it.
• 28:50
  Matt: I won't choose it.
• 28:52
  Matt: I won't choose it.
• 28:53
  Matt: I'll take it.
• 28:54
  Matt: If I'm at a person's house and they're like, hey, you want a PB and J, and they present a crunchy or smooth version of JIF.
• 29:01
  Matt: I'm I'm fine.
• 29:01
  Matt: I'm good to go.
• 29:02
  Matt: You do the same thing with Skippy.
• 29:04
  Matt: I'm like, oh man, they guess they didn't have Jif at the store.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't have Jif.
• 29:08
  Matt: If you come out with Peter Pan, I'll say, Oh, you know what?
• 29:12
  Matt: Actually, I have a nut allergy.
• 29:13
  Eric: You gotta go.
• 29:16
  Eric: Oh, just remember.
• 29:17
  Eric: I just developed it.
• 29:18
  Eric: Yeah.
• 29:19
  Eric: Uh when they they pull out the Peter Pan, I have to like take them aside and be like, hey, you doing okay?
• 29:25
  Eric: Because you're a lost boy.
• 29:27
  Eric: Yeah, yeah.
• 29:28
  Eric: I'm like, everything okay?
• 29:30
  Matt: Everything all right.
• 29:31
  Matt: Are you everything all right?
• 29:33
  Matt: Do your old hobbies and interests not interest you anymore?
• 29:36
  Matt: Yeah, are you are have you been exposed to mesothelioma?
• 29:39
  Matt: What's going on?
• 29:39
  Eric: Yeah, yeah.
• 29:40
  Eric: Uh yeah, moms choose Jeff, so do we.
• 29:43
  Eric: And like the fucked up thing is, you know, we wouldn't even be having this debate right now about peanut butter and such if Reese's would just offer the fucking peanut butter in a jar.
• 29:54
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 29:55
  Matt: Like Reese's God, if you just if you gave me a Reese's peanut butter substance, PBJ, I'm done.
• 30:05
  Matt: I'm done.
• 30:06
  Matt: Kiss the kiss that next blood test goodbye right now.
• 30:10
  Matt: It's over.
• 30:11
  Eric: There's no more mountains to climb.
• 30:13
  Matt: It is over.
• 30:13
  Matt: That sugar level's not coming down.
• 30:16
  Eric: No, no.
• 30:17
  Eric: Now, I do want to because we've spent a significant amount of time just on peanut butter.
• 30:23
  Eric: Oh, we my timer is mad at how long we've been talking about.
• 30:27
  Eric: Oh, yeah.
• 30:28
  Eric: I do the this is a key thing that I do want to address in the mysterious callers, Zach E D uh question on cross-contamination, right?
• 30:38
  Eric: Yes.
• 30:39
  Eric: You've got your jar of peanut butter, you've got your jar of jelly.
• 30:43
  Eric: Yeah.
• 30:43
  Eric: Um there's a correct answer here, I feel.
• 30:45
  Eric: There, there, there are correct answers.
• 30:47
  Matt: There's controversial.
• 30:48
  Eric: There is okay.
• 30:49
  Eric: Um, I think we might be aligned on this then.
• 30:51
  Eric: It depends on how controversial you consider to be controversial.
• 30:54
  Matt: We have very different definitions of controversial, and just now realizing there is a very easy way to keep the contamination separate.
• 31:03
  Eric: Now, there is the what I like to call there's the belt and suspenders approach.
• 31:09
  Eric: Okay.
• 31:10
  Eric: Which is you have two knives, one knife for each jar.
• 31:14
  Matt: Okay.
• 31:15
  Eric: And and I call it the belt and suspenders approach because yeah, you ever meet someone who meets belts and suspenders, don't trust them because they can't even trust their own pants to stay up.
• 31:23
  Eric: Absolutely not.
• 31:23
  Eric: Uh no, the correct approach, you have one knife.
• 31:28
  Eric: The key here is you jelly first.
• 31:32
  Eric: Yeah.
• 31:32
  Eric: You must jelly first.
• 31:35
  Eric: I agree.
• 31:35
  Eric: You jelly, jelly, jelly, because the jelly is much easier to clear off that knife than the peanut butter.
• 31:40
  Eric: If you do peanut butter first, you're going, you are morally obligated to run that under the faucet.
• 31:46
  Eric: And then you have to like rub the peanut butter off the knife with your fingers because it's not gonna just wash off until the water gets scolding hot enough to do so.
• 31:54
  Eric: So, what I do, this is me, and this is probably honestly more so than peanut butter.
• 31:59
  Eric: This is the most deeply personal approach to the peanut butter and jelly sandwich, folks.
• 32:03
  Eric: So I'm gonna, I'm like, I'm gonna open up right now.
• 32:05
  Eric: I'm ready to be vulnerable.
• 32:07
  Eric: This is a safe space.
• 32:09
  Eric: I jelly first, spread the jelly, I then take that knife, I lick that knife fucking clean.
• 32:15
  Eric: Just lick it in in lick it clean into the peanut butter.
• 32:19
  Eric: I'm the only it's my house.
• 32:21
  Eric: Just fucking lick it.
• 32:22
  Eric: It's my shit.
• 32:23
  Matt: This is how you do it, Zach.
• 32:25
  Matt: This is how you do it.
• 32:26
  Matt: You put the jelly first, I agree, and then you lick that knife, baby.
• 32:30
  Eric: Because I've and like carefully.
• 32:33
  Eric: And like, if you're wondering, right, there might be someone listening to this right now going, oh my god, ooh, like, yeah, but like that's fine for you.
• 32:39
  Eric: But like if you have guests or something, when's the last time you made a PB and J for a guest?
• 32:45
  Matt: Guest.
• 32:45
  Matt: If a guest asked me, hey, can you make a PB and J, I'll say, is there something wrong with your legs?
• 32:50
  Matt: Get up and do it.
• 32:57
  Matt: If somebody now, conversely, everything else.
• 33:03
  Matt: Hey, hey, could I have some coffee?
• 33:04
  Matt: Oh, sure.
• 33:05
  Matt: You cream sugar?
• 33:06
  Matt: What do you what do you what do you need?
• 33:08
  Matt: Oh, hey, um, you know, I'm feeling a little lightheaded.
• 33:11
  Matt: Could you make me a sandwich?
• 33:12
  Matt: Sure, sure.
• 33:13
  Matt: What kind of you?
• 33:13
  Eric: Sure, you want baloney, roast beef?
• 33:15
  Matt: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 33:16
  Matt: Um, yeah, actually, I was thinking about a PB and J.
• 33:18
  Eric: My fucking mother?
• 33:20
  Eric: I'm sorry.
• 33:20
  Eric: Am I your butler?
• 33:22
  Eric: Yeah, I'm I'm sorry.
• 33:24
  Eric: We in Down Abbey right now.
• 33:26
  Eric: I don't know why you sent that one.
• 33:28
  Eric: That was the most British.
• 33:30
  Matt: You would that was Down Abbey located in Dundalk, baby.
• 33:34
  Eric: Yeah, that was like I I think I tried to split the uprights between like Australian and Cockney, which is Dundalk.
• 33:41
  Eric: So, okay, so yes.
• 33:43
  Matt: But all right, in all seriousness, if I'm making a PB and J for a guest, I'll probably get a paper towel and just give it a slide, you know?
• 33:51
  Eric: Oh yeah, just clear it up.
• 33:52
  Eric: Pinch it with the paper towel.
• 33:53
  Eric: Give it one.
• 33:55
  Matt: And I'll tell you this too.
• 33:56
  Matt: I don't mind saying this.
• 33:57
  Matt: If I'm making a PB and J for Lindsay, I'm licking that knife.
• 34:00
  Matt: Oh my god, yeah.
• 34:01
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 34:02
  Eric: It's almost like you, it's almost like the little, the little like XOXO at the end of a love letter.
• 34:06
  Matt: It's you know what it is?
• 34:07
  Matt: It's putting the kiss directly in the sandwich.
• 34:09
  Eric: Yep.
• 34:09
  Eric: That's how you can taste the love.
• 34:11
  Matt: When they say love's the secret ingredient, that's how you do it.
• 34:14
  Matt: It's fit.
• 34:15
  Matt: You just see you just get all up in that sandwich.
• 34:19
  Matt: Now, you mentioned amount, and we never talked about it.
• 34:22
  Eric: Oh, yeah.
• 34:22
  Eric: Oh, the ratio.
• 34:24
  Eric: Let's talk about the ratio of peanut butter.
• 34:25
  Eric: It is not 50-50.
• 34:26
  Eric: It is not 50-50.
• 34:27
  Eric: It's not 50-50.
• 34:29
  Matt: That's funny.
• 34:29
  Matt: You just say it, it's funny to me.
• 34:31
  Eric: I know.
• 34:32
  Eric: It is, it is, it is a peanut butter sandwich with an accompaniment of jelly.
• 34:37
  Eric: Yes.
• 34:38
  Eric: It like it is a thin film of jelly on a slab of peanut butter.
• 34:44
  Matt: It it is the same ratio as a concert.
• 34:47
  Matt: And by that I mean the jelly is the opener.
• 34:52
  unknown: Okay.
• 34:53
  Matt: If imagine a concert where the opener played the same amount of time as the actual act you went to go see.
• 35:01
  Eric: That would be wild.
• 35:02
  Matt: You would leave.
• 35:03
  Matt: That's a dual concert at that point, and no one's going to see that right.
• 35:07
  Matt: You don't know why?
• 35:09
  Matt: No.
• 35:09
  Matt: This this analogy maybe is not perfect.
• 35:13
  Matt: But it is apt.
• 35:14
  Matt: But it is apt.
• 35:15
  Matt: It is apt.
• 35:17
  Matt: You need to put on a luxurious amount of peanut butter.
• 35:21
  Eric: Oh, oh, that I've been trying to think of the way to phrase it, and you have hit it on the head.
• 35:28
  Eric: A luxurious amount.
• 35:29
  Matt: A luxurious amount of peanut butter.
• 35:31
  Matt: A decadent peanut butter.
• 35:34
  Matt: Because here's what you do.
• 35:35
  Matt: If you put that scoop of peanut butter and you give it the s the swirl, you give it the spread, and you say, ooh, one side of this is much higher than the other.
• 35:44
  Matt: There's only one solution.
• 35:46
  Matt: And it's not go back to that bread and even it out.
• 35:49
  Matt: It's get more peanut butter for the other side.
• 35:52
  Matt: Yeah.
• 35:52
  Matt: Oh my God, yes.
• 35:54
  Matt: And then you put your nice even keel layer of jelly for you already did, of course.
• 36:01
  Matt: And then you put those suckers together and you eat it.
• 36:03
  Matt: In terms of cutting it, I'm a down the middle with this.
• 36:06
  Matt: This isn't a grilled cheese.
• 36:07
  Matt: This isn't a diagonal job for me.
• 36:09
  Eric: I could fuck with a diagonal, but it's fine.
• 36:13
  Eric: I just want the stra I want the now.
• 36:16
  Eric: Here's what I do.
• 36:16
  Matt: You know, I'd say you don't have to play around with my food if somebody gave me a diagonal.
• 36:21
  Eric: Honestly, God, like most of the time, that's if I even feel like cutting the PBJ.
• 36:25
  Matt: I agree.
• 36:25
  Matt: I'll just go for it.
• 36:27
  Eric: I'm like, this thing's gonna be gone in 15 seconds.
• 36:31
  Eric: Honestly.
• 36:32
  Matt: Plate optional for a PBJ.
• 36:34
  Eric: Plate optional, paper towel, I guess, if you want to like not get crumbs.
• 36:38
  Eric: I don't know.
• 36:39
  Matt: Most of my PB and J's don't make it past the sink.
• 36:42
  Eric: Uh, you know, make it don't make it out of the kitchen.
• 36:44
  Eric: It doesn't make it out of the kitchen.
• 36:45
  Matt: No.
• 36:46
  Matt: We've spent like 25 minutes on this question.
• 36:48
  Eric: We spent like 25 minutes on this.
• 36:49
  Eric: I'm just gonna offer some quick bonus content.
• 36:51
  Eric: If you're ever feeling fancy.
• 36:54
  Eric: And and when I when I say fancy, I mean fancy by PBJ standards.
• 36:58
  Eric: I'm not talking about like using any different ingredients.
• 37:01
  Eric: What I am saying is you ever want to treat yourself, just want something different.
• 37:04
  Eric: Like you're if like if you've been pounding the PBJs lately, you're like, I need to mix it up, toast your bread.
• 37:10
  Matt: I was gonna bring this up because I do think the correct baseline PBJ, no toast, untoasted.
• 37:19
  Eric: Yeah, no, oh yeah.
• 37:20
  Eric: For a but every now and then.
• 37:22
  Eric: But every now and then.
• 37:23
  Eric: You toast that bread and you get that melted peanut butter.
• 37:27
  Eric: Oh, you get that melted peanut butter.
• 37:29
  Eric: And and Matt, you also know like you get that satisfying, like toothsome quality of the bread, like almost like a crunch.
• 37:35
  Eric: Almost like crunch belongs, like almost like crunch is a great quality to have.
• 37:41
  Eric: No, not quite like in a P B and I'm sorry, I didn't I didn't want to do that.
• 37:45
  Eric: I didn't want to like bring it back.
• 37:46
  Eric: We were in a good place, we were in a good place.
• 37:48
  Matt: I thought we had an olive branch.
• 37:50
  Matt: I thought we got I thought we made some sort of some sort of.
• 37:54
  Eric: So we still, Matt, we still we still have an olive branch.
• 37:57
  Eric: We're both holding on to it, but I just kind of I just kind of like shook it a little bit.
• 38:01
  Matt: Oh yeah, okay.
• 38:02
  Matt: All right, so we we're holding on to the olive branch, but I just spat an olive at your eye.
• 38:10
  Matt: Okay, so uh anything else we got to discuss about the basic bitch sandwich here?
• 38:15
  Matt: Yeah.
• 38:17
  Matt: Someone's I think we've successfully blown this out of the way.
• 38:20
  Eric: We have successfully, I think we've successfully explained white people.
• 38:24
  Eric: Oh yeah.
• 38:24
  Eric: Oh yeah, I think we do that every episode.
• 38:27
  Eric: Like, just I think we've encapsulated who we are as a mood.
• 38:30
  Eric: They're like, they really they really think about this shit a lot.
• 38:35
  Matt: Listen, we we provide definitive answers, and this may have been one.
• 38:41
  Matt: Yeah.
• 38:41
  Matt: Okay, Eric Shovisha to another question.
• 38:47
  Matt: Um, why don't you why don't you tell us what's next on our docket?
• 38:51
  Eric: All right, uh, this comes from our good friend at Maureen Yoder at Instagram.
• 38:57
  Eric: That's at Maureen Yoder.
• 38:59
  Eric: What does the tooth fairy do with all those teeth she takes?
• 39:04
  Eric: And I think we can all agree.
• 39:06
  Eric: Nothing good.
• 39:07
  Eric: Nothing good.
• 39:08
  Eric: Nothing good can come of this.
• 39:10
  Eric: No, I mean nothing good can come of this.
• 39:13
  Matt: Come on now.
• 39:14
  Eric: Like, what is what could she be doing with what I'm I'm I'm gonna like try to give the tooth fairy the benefit of that.
• 39:21
  Eric: I'm gonna try to think of something positive that can be done with harvested child teeth.
• 39:28
  Eric: Yes, yes, they're not even big teeth.
• 39:31
  Eric: They're not even big teeth, so it's not like they can be used for like for like prost you know what I mean?
• 39:36
  Eric: Like they can't have like replacements.
• 39:39
  Matt: No, they're yeah, no dentures being made here.
• 39:42
  Eric: Like they're all crooked and they're like little little chiclets.
• 39:47
  Matt: I mean, I don't want to go here right off the bat, but it is the first place I went to.
• 39:51
  Matt: Okay.
• 39:52
  Matt: She could be making jewelry out of them.
• 39:54
  Eric: Yeah, I mean, we're all thinking it.
• 39:55
  Matt: We're all thinking it.
• 39:56
  Eric: And to what end?
• 39:57
  Eric: Does the Tooth Fairy have an Etsy shop?
• 39:59
  Matt: Maybe she has an Etsy shop.
• 40:00
  Matt: I was thinking about an Etsy shop.
• 40:02
  Matt: She's selling that, she's selling that sweet, sweet, you know, tooth-based friendship bracelets.
• 40:07
  Eric: One thing you could, and this is just approaching it from like a scientific standpoint.
• 40:11
  Eric: Like, teeth got a lot of calcium in them, right?
• 40:13
  Eric: Um, you could grind those teeth up, turn them into like, you know, fertilizer, like good soil, like use the term, but like again, that is a really wild ass approach to getting quality cucumbers in the garden.
• 40:28
  Eric: You could just get some miracle grow or make your own compost.
• 40:32
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 40:33
  Matt: There are easier solutions.
• 40:34
  Matt: Perhaps it's something she depends on.
• 40:37
  Matt: Perhaps it is a fairy-based shape.
• 40:40
  Eric: Nutrient to eat teeth.
• 40:41
  Matt: She has to eat the teeth.
• 40:43
  Eric: Oh, I mean, we're not trying we don't yuck anyone's yum on this show, but that's fucking weird.
• 40:48
  Eric: And maybe that's why she has to do it in the dead of night.
• 40:51
  Matt: Is it any weirder than uh a panda eating bamboo?
• 40:57
  Matt: You know what I mean?
• 40:58
  Matt: Yeah, I wouldn't eat bamboo.
• 41:00
  Matt: I don't have the jaw strength for it.
• 41:01
  Eric: If the bamboo grew in another creature's mouth, and like I see, here's how I know that nothing good.
• 41:08
  Eric: Here's how I know it's nothing good, right?
• 41:11
  Eric: She pays you.
• 41:12
  Eric: She pays you.
• 41:13
  Eric: She pays like afterwards, she's like, I she's like, look, I'm just gonna give you some money so that this is so that we're square.
• 41:20
  Matt: Why do you say that's nothing good?
• 41:22
  Matt: Because like a vampire survives on blood and it drinks enough of it that more than often the person's dead.
• 41:31
  Eric: Vampires are on the whole, sorry, don't mean to generalize, evil.
• 41:34
  Eric: They're evil generally speaking.
• 41:37
  Eric: I feel like the tooth fairy is neutral.
• 41:39
  Eric: I feel like she has enough good in her to recognize that what she's doing isn't it it isn't like it's she's not doing anything toxic or not, she's not causing any harm, but it is very uncomfortable whatever she's doing with these teeth.
• 41:53
  Eric: Yeah.
• 41:53
  Eric: So she's like, I'm gonna, I'm just gonna pay the I'm gonna pay the the you know the vibe tax on this.
• 41:59
  Matt: There's also the the the other way to go this, you know, because as you said, we're we we would never kink shame anybody, but perhaps this is a you know, in good conscience, what I'm doing with these teeth, you don't want to know about.
• 42:14
  Matt: So I'm just gonna, you know what?
• 42:15
  Matt: I'm just gonna slip you this bill or just to so we can all forget what happened here.
• 42:22
  Eric: So we can all just move on with our lives.
• 42:24
  Matt: We can all just move on.
• 42:25
  Matt: You feel good because you got a coin or a dollar bill or something.
• 42:29
  Eric: Yeah.
• 42:30
  Matt: Whatever, you know, the value of that tooth was.
• 42:33
  Matt: And you know, we can we we can pretend this never happened.
• 42:37
  Eric: Now, here's a fun thing here's uh I want to I just want to dip my toe into the fun thoughts for a second.
• 42:43
  Eric: What if she's like because she's a tooth fairy, she is of the Faye, she's of those otherworldly court of fairy creatures.
• 42:51
  Eric: This is known.
• 42:52
  Eric: What if teeth are some kind of currency?
• 42:54
  Eric: Like, what if she's like a gambler and like she's like, hey man, you give me some teeth, I give you 10 of your human dollars, I'll flip this shit.
• 43:02
  Eric: Like maybe the tooth fairy is a compulsive gambler, and she's like the money, like human money means nothing to her, but teeth.
• 43:09
  Eric: She's like, I can I can flip this shit.
• 43:11
  Eric: She's a tooth flipper.
• 43:13
  Matt: She's a tooth flipper.
• 43:14
  Matt: Maybe she's got like an HGTV type deal where she, you know, she it's like uh it's you know, she's like picking out antiques and flipping uh, you know, you know, that kind of thing where she is like, let me see what I can make out of them.
• 43:27
  Matt: And here let's just get a shot of me going to the tooth market under this pillow and picking out what I can find here.
• 43:32
  Matt: Oh, we got Johnny's molars.
• 43:35
  Matt: Picking.
• 43:35
  SPEAKER_01: Gotta do some picking.
• 43:36
  Matt: Gotta do some picking.
• 43:37
  Matt: Uh, you know, but I I don't know.
• 43:41
  Matt: I mean, where do we land what what is she doing with them?
• 43:44
  Matt: I think she is certainly using them.
• 43:48
  Matt: She is using them.
• 43:50
  Matt: I don't think this is a collector we're dealing with.
• 43:53
  Matt: No uh no because how you she'd have so much she'd have like a Scrooge McDuck type situation.
• 44:01
  Eric: Oh, swimming in children's teeth.
• 44:04
  Eric: Swimming in baby teeth.
• 44:06
  Eric: Swimming, just Scrooge McDuck diving off the high dive 10 out of 10, right into some teeth.
• 44:12
  Matt: Absolutely not.
• 44:13
  Matt: No way she's doing that.
• 44:14
  Matt: She she is they are a good because she is paying us for the service.
• 44:21
  Eric: Yep.
• 44:22
  Eric: So I think we agree.
• 44:23
  Eric: Nothing good.
• 44:25
  Eric: Nothing good.
• 44:25
  Matt: The definitive answer here is nothing good because quite frankly, we we will never know the world of the fairies.
• 44:32
  Matt: Indeed.
• 44:33
  Matt: Isn't that true?
• 44:34
  Eric: That is true.
• 44:35
  Matt: Well, I think that I think given how we could go deeper, but how deep we went into peanut butter and jelly land, yeah.
• 44:43
  Matt: I don't think we can go that deep again with the tooth fairy.
• 44:45
  Matt: And quite frankly, I don't think we want to go that deep into the the only fairies market.
• 44:51
  Eric: I'm I'm thinking that with the tooth fairy here, I'm thinking her paying us for our silence is probably the optimal situation here.
• 44:58
  Eric: I think if we go hard, like I think if we peel this rug, like you know, the rug back, part the curtain a little too far, we're not gonna like what we see on the other side.
• 45:07
  Matt: We're all better off if you just forget what happened to you, kid.
• 45:11
  Eric: Yeah.
• 45:12
  Matt: And because you're right, she does it under the dead of night.
• 45:14
  Matt: It's not like she comes in and says, Hey, you got any teeth for me?
• 45:18
  Matt: Here's a fiver.
• 45:19
  Eric: She has to literally like reach under your sleeping head to and extract them.
• 45:25
  Matt: It's like a heist.
• 45:26
  Eric: Yeah, it's a heist.
• 45:27
  Matt: She's too it's a heist that she pays us for.
• 45:31
  Matt: Um okay, so uh do we feel good about this?
• 45:35
  Matt: I feel good about this.
• 45:36
  Matt: Yeah.
• 45:36
  Matt: All right.
• 45:36
  Eric: This this sparks joy.
• 45:38
  Matt: All right.
• 45:38
  Matt: So moving on, um, at Garden of Eva on Instagram, Eva asks, what do you actually see when your quote whole life flashes before your eyes?
• 45:52
  Matt: I think this could be in result uh uh or in response to me.
• 45:57
  Matt: I think it was me who said, I just saw my life flash before my eyes on a previous episode.
• 46:02
  Matt: I think that's true.
• 46:03
  Eric: I I'm I'm inclined to agree because I have no idea.
• 46:06
  Matt: Well, we made j yeah, oh obviously that's true.
• 46:09
  Matt: But we made we made jokes at the time of like there wasn't, oh, there wasn't that's all there was to it.
• 46:15
  Matt: I think it was with Zach.
• 46:16
  Eric: Oh, this was yeah, when you're scared half to death.
• 46:18
  Eric: Yeah, yeah.
• 46:18
  Matt: When you're scared half to death, that's where it is.
• 46:21
  Matt: See, you remember our comments.
• 46:22
  Eric: Scared half to death twice, yes, yes, yes.
• 46:24
  Matt: Twice, yes.
• 46:25
  Matt: So what what actually do you see?
• 46:28
  Matt: Yeah, that's a good question.
• 46:29
  Matt: Is it just a highlight reel, or do you get the regrets too?
• 46:32
  Eric: Oh, yeah.
• 46:33
  Eric: I think part the cynic in me is you see all the shit that kept you awake till 2 a.m.
• 46:43
  Eric: at first.
• 46:45
  Matt: Maybe it's all the like all yeah, all the like recurring thoughts, you know, that memory you keep going back to.
• 46:52
  Matt: Because there are things I straight up have oh I hold on to them for well, oh yeah, sure.
• 46:58
  Matt: But I was gonna say there are life events that I can't picture anymore.
• 47:03
  Matt: You know, like oh yeah, I can't remember vac a certain, you know, any ex vacation from a certain time.
• 47:10
  Matt: It's not like I can play a movie reel in my head.
• 47:12
  Eric: No, no, no, no.
• 47:13
  Matt: Yeah, but when I got broken up with right before FCS, yeah, I can play that back.
• 47:19
  Eric: Oh yeah.
• 47:20
  Eric: Do you know what's wild?
• 47:21
  Eric: I was in a car accident when I was an 18.
• 47:24
  Eric: I couldn't, I couldn't tell, like I can't remember how I felt.
• 47:28
  Eric: I can't remember, like all I can remember was night.
• 47:31
  Eric: Like, it's not like I I can remember facts about what happened.
• 47:34
  Eric: I cannot remember any of my emotions around it, other than I was reasonably startled at the time.
• 47:40
  Matt: Was that a well that's is that because of a brain injury, though, Eric?
• 47:43
  Eric: No, no, no, like everyone was fine.
• 47:45
  Eric: It was, it was like at the time, it was like the worst thing that ever happened to me.
• 47:48
  Eric: Like, I'm like, I was I I couldn't drive a car for like a year because like I just was terrified.
• 47:53
  Eric: But I can't remember any of that now.
• 47:55
  Eric: Like, I don't I was like, this is just my life now.
• 47:58
  Eric: Um, but what I can remember, this is wild.
• 48:02
  Eric: I can remember when I was very little, my mom worked at the Disney store.
• 48:06
  Eric: Oh, yes.
• 48:07
  Eric: And one day she was like, she brought home this thing.
• 48:10
  Eric: She brought home like they would they would give out like special edition shit to the employees back in the day that like you couldn't buy in the stores.
• 48:16
  Eric: And my mom, and my mom brought home this little like mood ring.
• 48:20
  Eric: And it was like a special edition Disney mood ring that had like shaped like a Mickey head and everything.
• 48:25
  Eric: It was super nice, had like a certificate of authenticity.
• 48:27
  Eric: And I loved it so much.
• 48:29
  Eric: I was like, mom, please, like, I'm I was like begging, I was like, mom, can I please please can I like can I just play like hold on to the and she was like, Eric, this is like very, you know, there's only like there's no more.
• 48:39
  Eric: I can't get another one if you lose it or if you know you break it, but like I'm trusting you.
• 48:43
  Eric: And and I'll and I was like, Yes, thank you, mom.
• 48:45
  Eric: That night, that very night I sat on it at by accident and crushed it.
• 48:50
  Eric: Like I I the the very night that I was entrusted with this thing, I accidentally like fucking and I was we all saw this coming.
• 49:00
  Eric: I think to this day, I think about how and my mom, of course, like being the saint, like she she was like, she was she had she spent an hour and a half consoling me.
• 49:12
  Eric: Yeah, because I was fucking b.
• 49:15
  Eric: I was I I will think about that at two in the morning, laying awake in bed to this day.
• 49:22
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 49:23
  Matt: I mean, I lay awake thinking about something that I have since decided was like an unfair thing to say to someone 15 years ago.
• 49:36
  Matt: You know, like there were and similarly, I will be like, oh man, we got I got in that argument.
• 49:44
  Matt: And you know what I should have done?
• 49:46
  Matt: You know what would have really put them in their place if I just said XYZ to an argument that happened when I was 12.
• 49:54
  Matt: Yep.
• 49:55
  Matt: You know, and I can still picture it.
• 49:56
  Matt: I can still picture these things, but like major life events, some of them are just I know it happened.
• 50:02
  Matt: Yeah, and I have like a vague, like a like a a true crime documentary reenactment of what happened in my head.
• 50:11
  Matt: But like I can't play the the CCTV footage.
• 50:15
  Eric: No, no, I I think I can't play the real thing, yeah.
• 50:18
  Eric: I and honestly, now this is shifty.
• 50:20
  Eric: So I know I I know originally I said like I think it was like the things that like keep you open.
• 50:24
  Eric: Honestly, what I let me talk about my hope.
• 50:27
  Eric: Okay.
• 50:27
  Eric: My hope is because we spend so much of our lives, right, just like death gripping onto that shit.
• 50:34
  Matt: Shit that onto hope you mean?
• 50:37
  Eric: No, no, onto like, onto like the things that like we Oh the things that shouldn't matter, yeah.
• 50:41
  Eric: The things that shouldn't matter, the things that are like like I and my hope is that when our life flashes before our eyes, we're just shown the hey, hey, hey, bud.
• 50:51
  Eric: Yeah, you fucked up a whole bunch, but like you forgot all this good shit.
• 50:55
  Eric: Like, yes, you were you were you should have focused on this.
• 50:59
  Eric: Yeah.
• 50:59
  Eric: Like you were doing, you were doing fine.
• 51:01
  Eric: It's fine.
• 51:02
  Eric: You're fine.
• 51:04
  SPEAKER_02: You were re you really were okay.
• 51:07
  SPEAKER_02: You know?
• 51:08
  Eric: You were a good boy.
• 51:09
  Eric: You were you were you were good boy.
• 51:11
  SPEAKER_02: You were a good boy.
• 51:12
  Eric: Death's here, like kneeling down to me offering me a treat.
• 51:14
  SPEAKER_02: Who's a good boy?
• 51:15
  SPEAKER_02: Who's a good boy?
• 51:16
  SPEAKER_02: It's time to go.
• 51:18
  SPEAKER_02: But you look at all these lovely things that happen to you.
• 51:21
  Eric: Yeah.
• 51:22
  Eric: I would say that to everyone listening to this right now, you know.
• 51:26
  Eric: Uh that we all have our we all have our mood rings.
• 51:30
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 51:31
  Eric: We we all have our our things we can.
• 51:33
  Eric: And I know there's nothing I can say to you that will make you just like stop.
• 51:37
  Eric: Of course not.
• 51:39
  Eric: But when you are in those moments, remember that you are so much more than your mood rings.
• 51:46
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 51:47
  Eric: You have so many lovely moments that you just encapsulate what a good person you are.
• 51:51
  Matt: People that love you.
• 51:52
  Matt: You have made great accomplishments.
• 51:55
  Eric: We love you.
• 51:56
  Eric: We certainly love you.
• 51:58
  Eric: Unconditionally.
• 51:59
  Eric: Unconditionally.
• 52:00
  Eric: On the condition that you listen to our podcast.
• 52:02
  Matt: On the condition that you listen to the podcast.
• 52:04
  Matt: You don't tell a friend to listen to the podcast.
• 52:06
  Matt: Yeah.
• 52:07
  Matt: But like that goes without saying.
• 52:08
  Eric: Yeah.
• 52:09
  Matt: So, like, just have that now.
• 52:11
  Matt: You know, Eric, I was gonna say I'm gonna be honest with you, Eric.
• 52:14
  Matt: I was doing this, like, I was doing this lovely voice, so I could come in with a bit.
• 52:18
  Eric: Oh, you were ready to make it a bit.
• 52:20
  Eric: I was ready to make a bit.
• 52:21
  Eric: See, and but then I saw, I saw like, you're like, oh no, this is nice.
• 52:24
  Matt: But you know, this it was the moment the Grinch's heart grew.
• 52:27
  Eric: You know, that's what just happened to me.
• 52:29
  Matt: That's what just happened to me.
• 52:30
  Eric: Good, good.
• 52:31
  Eric: Love you, buddy.
• 52:32
  Matt: It uh because it's true, you know, everybody does, everybody should including us, Eric.
• 52:39
  Eric: Including us, because we're getting these two angles.
• 52:42
  Eric: I'm not saying any of this as if I'm above it, because I do all this constantly.
• 52:47
  Matt: You know, and that's what it is, Eric.
• 52:49
  Matt: Um, and I I I think that we have stumbled upon a very positive message here.
• 52:56
  Matt: And I think maybe we should just leave it alone.
• 52:58
  Eric: We're just gonna hold it there.
• 52:59
  Eric: We're gonna give that into the world.
• 53:01
  Matt: So that's what it is.
• 53:02
  Matt: When the life flashes before your eyes, I do it's not quite a highlight reel.
• 53:08
  Matt: It's not showing you the most exciting necessarily.
• 53:10
  Matt: It's not showing you the it's it's a reassurance.
• 53:13
  Matt: It's a it's a warm embrace into that long good night.
• 53:18
  Eric: Yep.
• 53:19
  Eric: Unless you wake up from it, you know, unless you're unless you unless you didn't die, in which case, great.
• 53:24
  Matt: In which case you just got a good like a jolt of serotonin.
• 53:28
  Eric: Yeah, you just got like a injection of uh hey, you're doing yeah.
• 53:32
  Matt: Yeah, like hey, get back, hey, get back.
• 53:34
  Matt: It's like a pep talk, you know, in the boxing ring.
• 53:36
  Matt: It's the it's the trainer saying, get back out there, kid.
• 53:38
  Matt: Yeah, yeah.
• 53:39
  Eric: Go on.
• 53:40
  Eric: One more for the Gipper.
• 53:42
  Matt: And now, um, Eric, I'm very excited because we have a new close yet another new closing segment.
• 53:50
  SPEAKER_01: New segment.
• 53:52
  Matt: This is this is yet another segment that absolutely, folks, you you will be able to send us, and I know you will be able to send us.
• 54:02
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 54:03
  Eric: Okay, so like we all have them.
• 54:05
  Eric: Channel, channel your inner matchmaker from Mulan and pour the tea.
• 54:15
  Matt: Listeners, this segment is called Neighborhood Watch.
• 54:20
  Matt: And so what we're gonna be doing here today is we were sent the uh for starters, this is starting with someone who brought this to our attention.
• 54:29
  Matt: And that someone happens to be the Yadaf giants of Sarah Feldman and Carissa Hatfield, former guests of the show.
• 54:38
  Eric: And treasures in our heart.
• 54:40
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 54:41
  Matt: And they, on their travels on the internet, and that's all I'm gonna say, on their travels on the internet, came across a neighborhood posting in a neighborhood group on Facebook.
• 54:54
  Eric: I'm sure you're all familiar.
• 54:55
  Eric: Like many people in many neighborhoods, they've got they now, these are these are things.
• 54:59
  Eric: Yeah.
• 54:59
  Eric: They're you know Facebook groups for your neighborhood.
• 55:02
  Matt: Facebook groups for your neighborhood, we we have one for our apartment complex.
• 55:05
  Matt: We have a whole app for our apartment complex.
• 55:08
  Matt: Like it's and then there's next door, you know.
• 55:10
  Matt: Everybody everybody's familiar.
• 55:12
  Eric: If you've never, if you, if you're just now learning about this from us telling it to you, if you've never been in one of these Facebook groups, they are bug fucking wild.
• 55:22
  Matt: They are out of control.
• 55:25
  Matt: Yeah, most of them.
• 55:26
  Matt: Our old apartment complex uh had one, and it had the most like random assortment of complaints.
• 55:34
  Matt: Oh my god.
• 55:35
  Matt: And and everything that did not that truly did not matter.
• 55:38
  Matt: But this is a this is a pressing story that needed to be discussed.
• 55:42
  Eric: And and we will preface this with uh for this segment and all future neighborhood watch segments.
• 55:49
  Matt: When you all send us your story.
• 55:51
  Eric: When you send us your shit, let us be absolutely clear.
• 55:54
  Eric: We don't need to know where the neighborhood is, we don't need to know the name of the neighborhood.
• 55:58
  Eric: Arguably, I don't want to know.
• 55:59
  Eric: Yeah, we don't want we don't even we don't need or want to know.
• 56:02
  Eric: We just want to know what's going on.
• 56:04
  Eric: You can make up a name for your neighborhood.
• 56:06
  Eric: We're not going to share any like information that would even remotely hint at where this place could be.
• 56:13
  Eric: We just care about crazy fucking people.
• 56:16
  Matt: So, for example, let's say, Eric, this this story that I'm about to read, and I am gonna read the post uh verbatim and and the few and the subsequent discussions.
• 56:25
  Eric: Oh, yeah.
• 56:26
  Matt: Um, this person did not reveal their name.
• 56:31
  Matt: Oh, right.
• 56:31
  Eric: They gave themselves an alias, an alias.
• 56:34
  Eric: Which is already a red flag.
• 56:38
  Matt: Already a red flag.
• 56:39
  Matt: So um so we just so you know, anyone when we read the comments on this, we're not gonna reveal anybody's name.
• 56:45
  Matt: But this person, this person didn't even put their name on this in the group.
• 56:49
  Eric: Did they make uh like a new profile just for this?
• 56:53
  Matt: I'm not sure how it works.
• 56:54
  Matt: It seems to have been made anonymously somehow.
• 56:57
  Matt: But here's what I'll say: this person called themselves, and I did I alluded to this last episode, The Watcher.
• 57:05
  Eric: Which A, second red flag.
• 57:09
  Eric: B not to be confused with Yad famous lore, you know, character, the Watcher of the Cicade.
• 57:17
  Eric: Uh, if you want to learn more about that, please see our episode on Cicadas.
• 57:21
  Eric: This is we're we're watching a Watcher now.
• 57:23
  Matt: All right, here we go.
• 57:24
  Matt: I'm gonna jump into it, Eric.
• 57:25
  Matt: Yeah.
• 57:26
  Matt: Let's not, let's not, let's not tease it anymore.
• 57:28
  Eric: Yeah, oh yeah, we've primed the pump.
• 57:30
  Matt: All right, so this is in, we'll say this is in the the, you know, for for lack of a better name, this is in the cicades Facebook group.
• 57:37
  Matt: Okay.
• 57:37
  Matt: Okay.
• 57:38
  Matt: To the neighbors across the alley.
• 57:40
  Matt: I know you're aware that my bedroom window looks right into yours.
• 57:46
  Matt: Last time I saw you out, I commented on how much I loved your houseplants.
• 57:53
  Matt: Is this why you open the curtains so wide when you two get intimate?
• 57:59
  Matt: Do you like being watched?
• 58:02
  Matt: Is there something about me or do you like the idea of anyone watching?
• 58:09
  Matt: I'm pretty sure you know who I'm talking about.
• 58:13
  Matt: I would love an invite to join if you're into that kind of thing.
• 58:19
  Matt: I left my number in your mailbox in the pineapple envelope.
• 58:24
  Matt: And if you're not into it, we can just totally keep things the way they are, and I'll just watch from across the way and keep to myself.
• 58:35
  Matt: Signed The Watcher.
• 58:38
  Eric: So everyone who can hear my voice right now, please you can't see it, but my hand is reaching out to you.
• 58:47
  Eric: Take it, stay with us.
• 58:49
  Eric: We I know we are this is a wild right applicate.
• 58:54
  Matt: It only gets you gotta hold on, like because you gotta understand this was already sent to us.
• 59:01
  Matt: Uh, because I immediately sent it to Poach.
• 59:03
  Eric: Oh, oh, like, uh yeah, like in a cold sweat, he sent it to me.
• 59:07
  Matt: I was like, you have to see this because Eric, when you first read this post, this post by itself, yeah.
• 59:14
  Matt: What would you think is the next thing to happen?
• 59:18
  Eric: Someone's gonna get murdered, someone's gonna like wake up in a bathtub missing their organs, like this is it this screams like oh no, oh god, oh no.
• 59:29
  Matt: If you saw this in your neighborhood group, which is a sane reaction to have to this by the way, wouldn't you your instinct, my instinct at least, would be to comment, run, run people like call the police in the house.
• 59:46
  Matt: The call is coming from inside the house, you in danger.
• 59:49
  Matt: You run, girl.
• 59:51
  Matt: Run I I think that is a perfectly sane response.
• 59:56
  Matt: And whatever listener you think is about to happen, it's not.
• 1:00:01
  Matt: Nope.
• 1:00:02
  Matt: Because here's a comment Dear Watcher, can you please let us know if they call you?
• 1:00:09
  Matt: The watcher responded, no luck yet.
• 1:00:13
  Matt: And somebody else said, Lol, yes, we all need an update and maybe a video.
• 1:00:21
  Matt: These people all live next to each other.
• 1:00:24
  Matt: These are your neighbors.
• 1:00:27
  Matt: This person, this person said, This is so bold, I'm dying.
• 1:00:31
  Eric: So, like, let's be clear.
• 1:00:34
  Eric: So this the washer made this proposal.
• 1:00:39
  Eric: This indecent proposal, and the collective the community with leaning in and going, yes, go on, tell me more, watch show us pictures.
• 1:00:53
  Matt: This is so bold I'm dying has 27 likes in this group.
• 1:00:58
  Eric: 27 likes.
• 1:01:00
  Matt: The and to this is so bold I'm dying, the watcher responded.
• 1:01:04
  Matt: If you've been seeing what I have, you would go for it too.
• 1:01:09
  Matt: What how many likes does that comment have?
• 1:01:12
  Matt: Four.
• 1:01:13
  Matt: But this is this is this is when this is when we got the screenshots, Eric.
• 1:01:17
  Matt: Oh yeah.
• 1:01:18
  Matt: Who knows how many there are now?
• 1:01:19
  Eric: So But don't we're like playing out like an episode of Redshoe Diaries.
• 1:01:26
  Matt: But this this next post, eventually an update did come from the watcher.
• 1:01:31
  Matt: Oh yeah.
• 1:01:32
  Matt: And this update has 30 reactions.
• 1:01:35
  Matt: Some are shocks, some are hearts, some are likes.
• 1:01:38
  Matt: Mission accomplished.
• 1:01:40
  Matt: Don't be afraid to go for it.
• 1:01:43
  SPEAKER_02: Good night, neighbors.
• 1:01:45
  SPEAKER_01: Mission fucking accomplished.
• 1:01:51
  Eric: He shot for the moon and landed among the stars, and then back to the moon.
• 1:01:58
  Matt: This person responded to the watcher by saying and what the first sentence gives you some hope.
• 1:02:05
  Matt: I'm just gonna say it.
• 1:02:06
  Eric: Oh, you're like, thank god, a say a a a non-reptile.
• 1:02:12
  Matt: And what I would say, uh what I would fill in if this was a mad libs, would be, I'm just gonna say it.
• 1:02:18
  Matt: This is fucked up.
• 1:02:20
  Eric: This is fucked.
• 1:02:21
  Eric: This is creepy as shit.
• 1:02:23
  Eric: This is wild.
• 1:02:24
  Eric: No one should be doing this or encouraging this.
• 1:02:27
  Matt: But what this person says is, I'm just gonna say it.
• 1:02:30
  Matt: We want to know how the person who got the pineapple envelope responded, inquiring minds.
• 1:02:37
  Matt: Which I guess true.
• 1:02:38
  Matt: I mean, uh, at this point, we're here.
• 1:02:41
  Eric: We're here, we're in too deep.
• 1:02:42
  Eric: The community has said we are in too fucking deep.
• 1:02:46
  Eric: This is how you get like a the village kind of scenario.
• 1:02:49
  Matt: The community came together on this Facebook group to say yes and yes and yes and please.
• 1:02:59
  Eric: This is how wicker men happen.
• 1:03:01
  Matt: The witcher, the witcher, the watcher responds with, Oh, they were totally into it, and kind of like the fact that the whole neighborhood knows about their shows for me.
• 1:03:13
  Eric: What like this motherfucker, I can hear him swirling brandy as he's saying like sixty-one likes to his next comment.
• 1:03:28
  Matt: Sixty-one likes update.
• 1:03:31
  Matt: I got the call.
• 1:03:33
  Matt: We're going for drinks.
• 1:03:37
  Matt: What?
• 1:03:39
  Matt: I'm sorry.
• 1:03:40
  Matt: What I got the call, should have been followed by the police have contacted me.
• 1:03:51
  Matt: I got the call from their lawyer with the cease and desist.
• 1:03:56
  Matt: I got the call.
• 1:03:57
  Matt: I have to inform you all that I am a registered sex offender.
• 1:04:02
  Eric: Like, I've gotten the call, the neighborhood has banished me.
• 1:04:07
  Eric: No, no.
• 1:04:08
  Matt: The watcher is saying I got the call, they invited me over for fucking ching!
• 1:04:16
  Eric: I got the call.
• 1:04:18
  Matt: Air horns, like okay, but here's here's where it goes to the next level.
• 1:04:25
  Matt: It fell.
• 1:04:25
  Matt: And you're probably thinking, we surely we've plateaued.
• 1:04:30
  Matt: We we were on the roof, Matt.
• 1:04:32
  Matt: How can there be a next level?
• 1:04:34
  Matt: Well, guess what?
• 1:04:34
  Matt: A helicopter just landed to take us there.
• 1:04:38
  Matt: This is this is a few days later, I I believe.
• 1:04:41
  Matt: I can't tell from the from the uh uh screenshot.
• 1:04:44
  Matt: Hello, neighbors.
• 1:04:45
  Matt: It's the watcher or the pineapple guy, though I'm not quite sure why so many people imagined I was a guy.
• 1:04:53
  Matt: Upside down smiley face.
• 1:04:55
  Matt: Which spicy development.
• 1:04:57
  Matt: Spicy development, if I I have to say, because I absolutely thought the person looking at some some intimate fucking across the way was a guy.
• 1:05:07
  Eric: Yeah, I mean, like, and this is just from my experience as a dude.
• 1:05:12
  Eric: Usually when cringy, creepy shit is happening, it's kind of like my brain goes to guy.
• 1:05:16
  Eric: Not that women can't be cringy or creepy, they most certainly can, but guys have kind of a monopoly on that right now.
• 1:05:23
  Eric: I'm just saying that's kind of our thing.
• 1:05:25
  Eric: Have had it.
• 1:05:25
  Eric: Like it's kind of our thing.
• 1:05:27
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:05:27
  Matt: Being creepy and weird.
• 1:05:29
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:05:30
  Matt: But no.
• 1:05:31
  Matt: Anyway, after the popularity of my post last week and talking to my new besties, Heart's smiley face emoji, we could see that many are itching for a chance to meet like minded folks.
• 1:05:49
  Eric: When the when the words like minded folks are ever in play.
• 1:05:54
  Eric: Whenever that is in play, you get you are in a cult.
• 1:05:57
  Eric: You are you are in a cult, you have entered a
• 1:06:00
  Matt: Fuck cult.
• 1:06:01
  Matt: So we were wondering who would want to have a pineapple meet and greet at the first Friday this next week.
• 1:06:11
  Matt: I'm I'm giving the general name of this event, right?
• 1:06:14
  Matt: Lots of neighborhoods have like a first Friday.
• 1:06:17
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:06:17
  Eric: Oh yeah.
• 1:06:18
  Matt: So who wants to meet at a first Friday next week?
• 1:06:23
  Matt: We could all meet and enjoy the live music.
• 1:06:26
  Matt: This would be perfect for folks like us.
• 1:06:29
  Matt: It's public.
• 1:06:30
  Matt: There's no pressure, like meeting in private, and we would all be in a big safe crowd.
• 1:06:35
  Matt: Then depending on the vibe, we could hit depending on the vibe.
• 1:06:40
  Eric: Depending on the vibe.
• 1:06:41
  Eric: Depending on the vibe is such a good pre like, that is such a good precursor to any proposal.
• 1:06:46
  Eric: Hey, depending on the vibe.
• 1:06:47
  Eric: Listen, depending on the vibe.
• 1:06:49
  Eric: Depending on the vibe.
• 1:06:50
  Matt: Maybe we could all hit up a bar or someone's house afterwards.
• 1:06:56
  Matt: If you're interested, just meet us around the this meeting spot and wear something yellow or with a pineapple on it.
• 1:07:09
  Eric: What the like it is there fuck.
• 1:07:14
  Matt: But don't worry, Eric, because the next thing he says here is newbies welcomed.
• 1:07:20
  Matt: Actually, we all are welcome.
• 1:07:24
  Matt: See you all there, The Watcher.
• 1:07:27
  Matt: Just let it and this is the last screenshot we've gotten.
• 1:07:31
  Matt: We haven't gotten it.
• 1:07:32
  Matt: There's been no and I even checked before we recorded this episode with Sarah former guests, Sarah and Carissa.
• 1:07:38
  Matt: There are no updates since this event.
• 1:07:41
  Matt: Which leads me to believe, Eric, they got together for their pineapple public meetup and meetup and greet up.
• 1:07:47
  Matt: And then Depending on the vibe.
• 1:07:49
  Matt: Depending on the vibe, they went and started a colony somewhere.
• 1:07:53
  Matt: I like just They lived amongst the woods where they can be nude.
• 1:07:58
  Eric: I it depending on the vibe.
• 1:08:01
  Eric: Depending on the vibe.
• 1:08:02
  Eric: That's the beauty of this.
• 1:08:04
  Eric: Is like once you've once you've gotten to this point, what else is there to say?
• 1:08:09
  Matt: This because this is the last post that we know about, this is giving off very like right off into the sunset vibes to me.
• 1:08:17
  Eric: This is like, yeah, yeah.
• 1:08:20
  Matt: Like, I guess, hey, we're all trying to find our people.
• 1:08:22
  Matt: I guess you found them, but like you really lucked out.
• 1:08:27
  Matt: Because if you made this post in my neighborhood group, I would have responded with, have you called the authorities?
• 1:08:37
  Eric: I would have responded to that person with what part of you in what fucking universe thought this was okay to say or do at any point like to another human being who you do not know at all.
• 1:08:53
  Matt: Let's call it what it is.
• 1:08:55
  Matt: You're a peeping Tom, and you said, Hey, just so you know, I'm a peeping Tom, I'm a voyeur, and I want to know if you want to send me an invitation.
• 1:09:09
  Eric: What it's like you could have started it with, like, oh hey, I'm writing this from the branch I perch upon with my binoculars outside your window.
• 1:09:19
  Eric: That is essentially what you have admitted to.
• 1:09:22
  Matt: And the person said, Come on in, water's fine.
• 1:09:27
  Eric: And like, in here, no shame, like, no shame on on people for being like, hey, you know what?
• 1:09:34
  Matt: We got it all.
• 1:09:35
  Eric: But listen, holy shit.
• 1:09:37
  Matt: I guess the moral of the story is I'm glad it all worked out for you.
• 1:09:42
  Eric: Glad it worked out for everyone involved, seemingly.
• 1:09:45
  Eric: But holy shit.
• 1:09:47
  Eric: Like, holy shit.
• 1:09:50
  Matt: What are the odds that this worked out the way it did?
• 1:09:53
  Matt: And then and then that, like we've been saying, the community rallied around it.
• 1:09:57
  Matt: They came together.
• 1:09:59
  Matt: They came together to say go for watching together.
• 1:10:03
  SPEAKER_02: They came together, we assume.
• 1:10:07
  Matt: They came, they saw, they came again.
• 1:10:10
  Matt: And so that that's your update, folks, from from what we'll call the cicade.
• 1:10:16
  Matt: From the watch.
• 1:10:17
  Matt: The cicaborhood.
• 1:10:19
  Matt: The cicaborhood.
• 1:10:20
  Matt: Because uh again, we will respect the privacy of where you live, but if you've got an outrageous neighborhood story like this, please send it our way because we would love to know about it.
• 1:10:33
  Matt: Because just like everything else in this show, nobody asked for that.
• 1:10:38
  Eric: No, pour the tea, my sweet babies.
• 1:10:41
  Eric: Like give us that juicy goss, no matter how give us your petty, give us your wild, give us your mmm, give us, give us all your side-eye, give us, give us, give onto us.
• 1:10:53
  Matt: Give onto us.
• 1:10:55
  Matt: And you know, Eric, I gotta say, this has been a roller coaster of an episode.
• 1:11:00
  Matt: Oh my god, it is lurched.
• 1:11:03
  Matt: We have gone to all kinds of the all the corners, the inspirational corners.
• 1:11:08
  Eric: Can you see this sheen?
• 1:11:10
  Matt: I'm glowing from like your sheen of of of of of hype sweat.
• 1:11:14
  Matt: Of hype sweat.
• 1:11:15
  Matt: This, you know, and so I think, you know, hey, after we we started with peanut butter cups, we got to this level, we got to high debate, we got into inspiration, and now we got into the whatever the fuck this story is.
• 1:11:29
  Eric: Whatever, whatever.
• 1:11:31
  Eric: I like that we were like, hey, you're all beautiful and all deserve love and be kind to yourself.
• 1:11:35
  Eric: And then we're now look at these fucking weirdos.
• 1:11:38
  Matt: Fucking weirdos.
• 1:11:39
  Matt: That's life.
• 1:11:41
  Matt: That's us for you.
• 1:11:42
  Matt: Um, and so I think I think we can all agree that that'll about do it for this this episode.
• 1:11:50
  Matt: If you didn't ask for this, send us all the things, your least pressing questions, your neighborhood batshit insane stories, yeah, your uh your local legends, and and all the other stuff we've asked you for.
• 1:12:06
  Matt: You know, whatever you want to send us, you you please do so.
• 1:12:09
  Matt: You can send it in via an email at you didn't ask for this at gmail.com or you didn't ask pod.
• 1:12:16
  Matt: That's the letter you didn't ask pod on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook.
• 1:12:20
  Matt: Send us a comment, send us a DM, whatever you want to do.
• 1:12:24
  Matt: Or if you, like Zachy D, want to have your voice, I'm sorry, like our mysterious caller.
• 1:12:30
  Matt: Oh yes, want to have your voice on this show, uh, go ahead and leave us a voicemail on the thought line at 410-929-5329 today.
• 1:12:43
  Matt: Depending on the vibe.
• 1:12:45
  Matt: And hey, depending on the vibe, we'll play it on the show.
• 1:12:48
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:12:48
  Matt: You know, I the but that of course depends on the vibe.
• 1:12:52
  Matt: Depends on the vibe.
• 1:12:52
  Matt: Yeah, absolutely.
• 1:12:53
  Matt: It's it's very important.
• 1:12:55
  Matt: So uh Eric, uh, any other any other business we should take care of before we put this sucker to bed?
• 1:13:01
  Eric: I got nothing.
• 1:13:03
  Eric: I'm I'm feeling good.
• 1:13:04
  Matt: I'm feeling I need a shower.
• 1:13:06
  Matt: I I do feel a little like my hands are sticky from sweating.
• 1:13:10
  Matt: So from all of us here, you didn't ask for this.
• 1:13:14
  Matt: My name's Matt Shea.
• 1:13:16
  Matt: My name's Eric Poach.
• 1:13:17
  Matt: And listen, you didn't ask.
• 1:13:19
  Eric: But depending on the vibe, we could we could bring some peanut butter into it.
• 1:13:23
  Eric: Ooh, like depending on the vibe.
• 1:13:26
  Matt: Now, Eric.
• 1:13:26
  Eric: Now I will say this.
• 1:13:27
  Matt: Hold on a second.
• 1:13:28
  Matt: If you're bringing peanut butter into it, please tell me.
• 1:13:30
  Eric: It's if we're bringing peanut butter into it, it's gotta be smooth.
• 1:13:34
  Eric: I like it.
• 1:13:35
  Matt: It's gotta be creamy.
• 1:13:36
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 1:13:37
  Eric: No, yeah, I have far too much respect for the like my partner's orify.
• 1:13:42
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 1:13:43
  Matt: I'm just glad.
• 1:13:44
  Matt: I'm just glad we could have that.
• 1:13:46
  Eric: Yeah, that's the compromise that I'm glad we could have.
• 1:13:49
  Eric: Creamy is the fuck peanut butter.
• 1:13:50
  Matt: Creamy as the fuck peanut.
• 1:13:52
  Eric: That's the fuck butter.
• 1:13:53
  Matt: After all, it is it is it is creamy.