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72 | I Say "YES, Jan!" · You Didn't Ask For This

• 0:00
  Matt: Matt?
• 0:00
  Matt: Yes, sir.
• 0:01
  Eric: Buckle the fuck up.
• 0:03
  Matt: Oh.
• 0:04
  Matt: Oh, coming in hot.
• 0:05
  Eric: Yeah.
• 0:05
  Matt: I like it.
• 0:06
  Matt: All right.
• 0:06
  Matt: What what what's up, Eric?
• 0:08
  Matt: What troubles you?
• 0:08
  Matt: Where do I even begin?
• 0:11
  Matt: Should have thought about that before we hit record.
• 0:14
  Matt: Valid.
• 0:15
  Eric: So I owed money.
• 0:17
  Eric: Oh, oh, Eric.
• 0:20
  Matt: Do we need to stop recording?
• 0:21
  Eric: What's happening?
• 0:22
  Eric: No, no, no, no.
• 0:23
  Eric: There's no gas station simulations here.
• 0:25
  Matt: Um show me your knees, Eric.
• 0:27
  Matt: Are they in one piece?
• 0:28
  Eric: They are.
• 0:29
  Eric: My knees are as knobby and resplendent as ever.
• 0:33
  Eric: But I digress.
• 0:34
  Eric: Delicious.
• 0:35
  Eric: I owed money to that most vile and disgusting postule on the neck of society.
• 0:47
  Eric: Uh-huh.
• 0:48
  Eric: Easy pass.
• 0:50
  Eric: For those of you not in the know, for those of you not living on the eastern seaboard, Easy Pass is our toll system in Maryland.
• 0:59
  Eric: They're the ones that because everyone's pretty much the whole East Coast.
• 1:03
  Eric: The whole East Coast.
• 1:05
  Matt: I think it's great.
• 1:06
  Matt: I don't know what your problem is.
• 1:08
  Matt: I love Easy Pass.
• 1:10
  Eric: So I owed Easy Pass, according to them, uh chunk of money.
• 1:19
  Matt: Is there a comma?
• 1:21
  Matt: Uh yes, there's a comma.
• 1:23
  Matt: That's what that tells me.
• 1:26
  Matt: Okay, so far you're not.
• 1:28
  Eric: Guess how much money Easy Bass Easy Pass told me I owed them.
• 1:35
  Matt: I'm getting the impression it's more than I think it is, so I'm gonna guess what I think is high.
• 1:39
  Matt: Okay.
• 1:40
  Matt: I'm gonna guess what I think is too high.
• 1:42
  Matt: I'm gonna come in with that.
• 1:43
  Matt: Okay.
• 1:44
  Matt: $2,700.
• 1:46
  Matt: Higher.
• 1:47
  Matt: You gotta be shitting me, Eric.
• 1:49
  Matt: Higher.
• 1:50
  Eric: $5,800.
• 1:52
  Eric: A little lower.
• 1:54
  Eric: $4,700.
• 1:57
  Eric: They told me.
• 1:58
  Eric: $4,700 you fucking didn't pay in tolls?
• 2:01
  Eric: For tolls from 2021.
• 2:07
  Eric: Okay.
• 2:08
  Eric: So I got that notice and clearly fucking panicked.
• 2:15
  Eric: So I called the easy pass.
• 2:18
  Eric: I was like, I'm not fucking with their website, which is unhealed.
• 2:22
  Matt: Go right to a human.
• 2:22
  Matt: Go right to a human.
• 2:23
  Eric: Give me, give me, give me flesh.
• 2:26
  Matt: This is a human.
• 2:27
  Eric: This is I need the operator situation.
• 2:30
  Eric: Yes.
• 2:30
  Eric: So I am connected with someone.
• 2:32
  Eric: I I talk to them.
• 2:34
  Eric: I tell them was like, hey, here's the situation.
• 2:36
  Eric: They walk me through some stuff.
• 2:39
  Eric: They're like, okay, I see what happened.
• 2:41
  Eric: Apparently, there was some fuck up on their end in that they somehow lost all of my contact info.
• 2:48
  Eric: I somehow had like two accounts, even though I've only ever driven one car and only had one easy pass account.
• 2:55
  Eric: So I and they were from years ago.
• 2:59
  Eric: I never knew these existed.
• 3:01
  Eric: Like, like when I this it was uh and it was in the middle of the pandemic when they were like not not hitting anyone for anything.
• 3:09
  Matt: Yeah, that's what that normally I'd just assume you are a delinquent uh toll dodger, but yeah, it didn't sound right.
• 3:17
  Matt: That amount in that year span, where were you going?
• 3:20
  Matt: Uh bruh.
• 3:21
  Eric: So because the state the system recorded my Jeep every time it goes it went through, it would basically tell it like the system would uh uh say, Oh, this is a person without an easy pass transponder, so they get charged six dollars, and then there's all the late fees on each transaction.
• 3:40
  Eric: I have to go over the key bridge every single day for work.
• 3:43
  Eric: But you do have a transponder, right?
• 3:46
  Eric: I do.
• 3:47
  Eric: This is this is this is apparently like something about like the debit card that I had on file like expired, and they just never notified me.
• 3:54
  Matt: Like they just never Oh, okay, and like so it didn't do the auto refund.
• 3:59
  Eric: No, I thought it was connected to my bank, it was connected to a debit card that expired.
• 4:03
  Eric: So they were like, you owe us$4,700.
• 4:08
  Matt: Please, yes.
• 4:08
  Eric: And the lady basically explained, okay, okay, okay, don't panic.
• 4:12
  Eric: Here's what we're gonna do.
• 4:13
  Eric: We're gonna, we're gonna move like it, we're just gonna move this.
• 4:17
  Eric: She explain some mumbo jumbo.
• 4:19
  Eric: She did it's like when we move it, this, this, this, like this, all of the charges fall off.
• 4:23
  Eric: So you'll only owe about nine hundred dollars.
• 4:28
  Matt: Okay.
• 4:29
  Matt: And does now, Eric, yeah, be honest with me.
• 4:32
  Matt: Is that accurate?
• 4:33
  Matt: Is that an accurate number?
• 4:34
  Matt: What do you mean?
• 4:35
  Matt: Did you actually owe nine hundred dollars?
• 4:38
  Matt: Is that the proper amount, or is it still inappropriate?
• 4:40
  Eric: Um, still inappropriate.
• 4:42
  Eric: Okay.
• 4:43
  Eric: Um, as I found out later, I was like, oh fuck, okay, well, I don't want to get sent to fucking collections, so I I fucking I grabbed some money from the emergency funds, paid that shit up.
• 4:55
  Eric: They were like, here's how much money you have to pay to get your balance back to zero.
• 4:58
  Eric: They were like, if you want to get back to just zero, I was like, all right, I paid it.
• 5:03
  Eric: Later on, about a couple weeks later, uh, and and they were like, Cool, cool, this math all checks out, you're gonna be good, you're gonna get a receipt in the in the mail, like says blah, blah, blah.
• 5:11
  Eric: And I never got the receipt, so I went online to check my easy pass uh uh balance.
• 5:19
  Eric: And now my easy pass balance is plus six hundred dollars.
• 5:24
  Eric: Like I'm six hundred, I have six hundred dollars in the fucking.
• 5:28
  Eric: I'm like, well, something's fucked up.
• 5:32
  Eric: Yeah.
• 5:32
  Eric: So I call them back and I'm connected with a new person.
• 5:37
  Eric: And a new person, uh uh uh her name was I'll say it was Evie.
• 5:42
  Eric: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 5:43
  Eric: Um, Evie kindly explained to me.
• 5:46
  Eric: Uh, she was like, Oh, I see what they did.
• 5:49
  Eric: She look at all the transactions.
• 5:50
  Eric: She was like, so they forgot to account for the fact that like when they did yada yada yada and moved such and such around, you would get an additional 50%.
• 6:00
  Eric: So you really only had to give us like$300.
• 6:03
  Eric: That's what it sounds like.
• 6:04
  Eric: And I was like, cool.
• 6:06
  Eric: So how do I get my money back?
• 6:08
  Eric: Because I gave you six hundred dollars more than I needed to.
• 6:14
  Eric: And the explanation this kindly, uh, this kindly older, older lady, Evie, gave me was oh, to get your money back is real simple.
• 6:23
  Eric: You close out the account, and in 45 days, you'll get a check in the mail.
• 6:27
  Eric: Excuse me?
• 6:28
  Eric: Easy pass?
• 6:29
  Eric: I know.
• 6:30
  Eric: And is at this point where like I had been like so through the the ring of those, I was like, you know what?
• 6:35
  Eric: There's an easy pass, like physical, like building location within walking distance of my house.
• 6:41
  Eric: I'm gonna go raise a fuss down there at some point until they give me my money back.
• 6:45
  Eric: I I said, Hey, Evie.
• 6:47
  Eric: Uh I was like, or sorry, I said, Hey, what was your name one more time?
• 6:50
  Eric: And she said, It's Evie.
• 6:52
  Eric: But she followed up with, she was like, I bet I'm the only Eevee you've ever met, because the name she actually has is very unique.
• 6:59
  Eric: And I was like, Yeah, actually, I was like, Yeah, I've never, I've never met anyone with that name.
• 7:02
  Eric: She's like, Oh, well, fun fact, you've you've probably you might have heard my name before.
• 7:07
  Eric: I my name's in a bunch of songs.
• 7:08
  Eric: I was like, Oh, well, that's that's okay.
• 7:11
  Eric: This little moment of cool, oh, we're having small talk now.
• 7:15
  Eric: Um, what is this?
• 7:16
  Matt: The business is already over, so like, what are you doing?
• 7:19
  Matt: Matt, she's trying to get with you, Eric.
• 7:22
  Matt: She trying to get is she trying to get the easy the Eric pass?
• 7:26
  Matt: The easy Eric pass.
• 7:30
  Eric: Uh she couldn't afford me.
• 7:32
  Eric: Um she could.
• 7:35
  Matt: Uh yeah, she could take it out of your fucking debit.
• 7:38
  Eric: But she was but she was like, I will say that she was being so nice the entire time.
• 7:41
  Eric: Like, I didn't want to be real.
• 7:42
  Matt: I was like, oh, I was like You thought you'd humor her with some talk.
• 7:46
  Eric: Exactly.
• 7:47
  Eric: I was like, well, where where would I have heard your chatter?
• 7:50
  Eric: Well, where would I have heard your name before?
• 7:51
  Eric: And she was like, Oh, well, my godfather, he wrote music and he actually put my name in it like in a couple of his songs.
• 7:59
  Matt: Um Are you gonna give away this person's name in the story, my friend?
• 8:03
  Matt: No, no, okay.
• 8:04
  Eric: Um uh absolutely not.
• 8:07
  Matt: Because we could just get started.
• 8:08
  Matt: Sharona.
• 8:09
  Eric: Uh uh.
• 8:10
  Eric: But no, I was like, well, uh Jude.
• 8:12
  Eric: And I was like, well, who who was your godfather?
• 8:15
  Eric: She was like, so she's like, I you know, you're you sting.
• 8:18
  Eric: Have you heard of it?
• 8:19
  Eric: I'm Roxanne.
• 8:22
  Eric: She was like, Well, uh uh, well, this may have been before your time.
• 8:26
  Eric: My my godfather was an artist by the name of James Brown.
• 8:29
  Eric: Are you fucking kidding me?
• 8:32
  Matt: No, I am not.
• 8:33
  Matt: And did you say, did did you say, Evie, he wasn't your godfather?
• 8:38
  Matt: He was soul's godfather.
• 8:41
  Eric: I was like, yeah, I was like, yeah, no, I've I've heard of James Brown.
• 8:44
  Eric: And she she actually quoted the song.
• 8:49
  Eric: James Brown.
• 8:50
  Eric: Buckle up, my dude, because he was like, Yeah, my she was like, my dad was in the band, like she was in James Brown's band.
• 8:56
  Eric: Uh her her father was in James Brown's band, and she and she like grew up with him.
• 9:00
  Eric: She's like, Oh, he was very kind, he's very sweet.
• 9:01
  Eric: And like, she's like, he got me into like what was like my career for many years.
• 9:07
  Eric: I was like, Oh, well, what was your career?
• 9:08
  Eric: She was like, Oh, I'm a I was a ghostwriter for music.
• 9:11
  Eric: Like, I wow, cool.
• 9:13
  Eric: I wrote, I wrote music for does she want to be on the show?
• 9:16
  Eric: Uh, a bunch of artists.
• 9:17
  Eric: Oh, oh, I will, I will Matt buckle.
• 9:21
  Eric: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
• 9:22
  Eric: Continue.
• 9:22
  Matt: I'm like, you told me to buckle up, and I'm doing anything but staying put.
• 9:26
  Eric: Well, I'm like, well, who did you wrote for write for?
• 9:29
  Eric: She starts rattling off artists, Matt, and it was like one after the other.
• 9:35
  Eric: She wrote for, and this is great how she hit me with this one.
• 9:37
  Eric: She was like, Are you reading off of a list right now?
• 9:40
  Eric: Oh, I have a list.
• 9:41
  Eric: You wrote it down.
• 9:42
  Eric: I I wrote this shit down.
• 9:43
  Eric: I don't wrote it down to the show.
• 9:45
  Eric: I try I wrote down as many as I could remember, which was not a lot.
• 9:48
  Eric: Um, but she was like, Oh, have you ever heard a song that goes by, you know, I can feel it coming in the air?
• 9:58
  Eric: I was like, You wrote for Phil Collins?
• 10:00
  Eric: She was like, Yeah, I wrote like 70% of that song.
• 10:03
  Eric: She was like, I wrote for Phil Collins, I wrote for James Brown, I wrote for Kiss.
• 10:08
  Eric: I wrote for fucking like she and Eric.
• 10:12
  Eric: Now, now Matthew.
• 10:13
  Matt: I don't wanna I don't want to rain on your parade, but do you think any part of this story could be bullshit?
• 10:18
  Eric: We're all there, Matt.
• 10:19
  Eric: Okay, but Matt, I have to believe.
• 10:22
  Eric: She starts telling me her journey, like all this fucking music she wrote for decades.
• 10:26
  Eric: She was like, I got out of it because we don't get paid.
• 10:28
  Matt: Yeah, I had to get out of this career that you have no way of proofing.
• 10:32
  Eric: Proof checking.
• 10:33
  Eric: But Matt, I end up asking.
• 10:36
  Eric: Proof-checking is what I just said.
• 10:37
  Eric: And mind you, by this juncture, we have been on the phone together.
• 10:40
  Eric: Like post it being the end of the Easy Pass transaction, we have now been on the phone 45 minutes past that.
• 10:46
  Eric: Eric, what talking about this, this, this lady's like, Matt.
• 10:52
  Matt: Eric, that's too long.
• 10:53
  Matt: Matt, I thought this was a five-minute coda to your conversation.
• 10:58
  Eric: At one point, I'm like, holy crap.
• 10:59
  Eric: She told me she was like, Oh, yeah.
• 11:01
  Eric: I also, she was like, I actually planned.
• 11:02
  Eric: She's like, I've gotten back into like writing stuff.
• 11:05
  Eric: Like, I like I wanna I wanna start like releasing stuff again.
• 11:08
  Eric: Um, I was like, Well, cool.
• 11:09
  Eric: Is there any way I can follow, like, follow your journey?
• 11:11
  Eric: He's like, Oh yeah, you can find me on Facebook.
• 11:13
  Eric: She's like, now I'm gonna warn you, I've got a lot of friends on Facebook.
• 11:16
  Eric: She was like, she joked, she was like, Oh, you know, I'll I'll make a post or something, and you'll see a bunch of famous people come like commenting on it.
• 11:24
  Eric: Like laughing.
• 11:25
  Matt: Sure, sure, sure.
• 11:26
  Eric: Bro, I friended her on Facebook.
• 11:29
  Eric: Did you friend this fucking person?
• 11:31
  Eric: Okay, I friended her on Facebook.
• 11:33
  Eric: I found her Matt in her top, like the top list of her friends is half the cast of Chappelle show.
• 11:40
  Eric: Nope, nope, nope.
• 11:41
  Eric: That yeah, that's it.
• 11:42
  Eric: I found her, she's friends with famous people, and she was very nice.
• 11:46
  Eric: We just spent 45 minutes, like, she just like ended it by telling me she hopes I have an amazing life, and that fucking that she hopes I have an awesome journey, and she was really sweet.
• 11:58
  Matt: That Eric, she's she's this person.
• 12:00
  Matt: You sound like you have spoken to the nicest uh call center employee that I have ever encountered.
• 12:10
  Matt: I let me just let me just say this should be fired.
• 12:15
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 12:17
  Eric: Yeah, no, I thought about that too.
• 12:19
  Eric: 100% deeply under horrible at her job.
• 12:22
  Eric: How many?
• 12:22
  Eric: All those calls are recorded for quality purposes.
• 12:25
  Eric: Yeah, did you take the survey?
• 12:27
  Eric: No, oh man.
• 12:28
  Matt: Well, now I feel like she didn't ask you.
• 12:31
  Matt: You're dodging the tolls and you're dodging the survey.
• 12:34
  Matt: You're a monster.
• 12:59
  Eric: My name is Eric Pooch.
• 13:01
  Matt: Now, Eric, that cold open uh about you um not paying your tolls to the government.
• 13:07
  Eric: Uh started with a$4,000 fine, ended with me meeting someone who apparently wrote coming in the air tonight.
• 13:13
  Matt: Yeah, again, not sure that's true.
• 13:16
  Matt: But we we'll leave.
• 13:17
  Eric: We choose to believe.
• 13:18
  Matt: We choose to believe.
• 13:20
  Matt: We choose to believe.
• 13:21
  Matt: Should we jump in, Eric?
• 13:22
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 13:24
  Matt: We have a very special show here today.
• 13:25
  Matt: We've got um uh a definitive ranking for you on taps.
• 13:31
  Matt: It hasn't it's been a minute, but uh before we do that, Eric, why don't we get started with our first question?
• 13:38
  Matt: You want to give it to us?
• 13:39
  unknown: Oh, yeah.
• 13:40
  Eric: And this comes from our good old friends uh at effing cultured, that's the effing cultured podcast.
• 13:48
  Eric: We all know what an easy bake oven is.
• 13:52
  Eric: What would a complicated bake oven consist of?
• 13:55
  Matt: I love this question.
• 13:57
  Matt: It's exactly the type of thing America doesn't need to know, but we will provide.
• 14:02
  Eric: This this this has that good, good that stink of effing cultured on it.
• 14:09
  Eric: That must of good question.
• 14:11
  Eric: That stink of good quality question.
• 14:15
  Matt: I think first, Eric.
• 14:16
  Matt: Yes.
• 14:17
  Matt: The thing to keep in mind is at its core, the easy bake oven is a toy.
• 14:21
  Matt: Uh yes, yes.
• 14:23
  Matt: So so one could end it there and say that a regular oven is an easy bake oven.
• 14:30
  Matt: But I don't think that is the case.
• 14:32
  Eric: Just handing them a regular oven.
• 14:33
  Eric: No, it should be a toy oven.
• 14:35
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 14:36
  Eric: Um, also I would say it should be functional, meaning it like it'd be easy to hand them a broken toy.
• 14:45
  Eric: That sure is complicated.
• 14:47
  Eric: It has to be able to produce the same results, but just in the most aggravating fashion.
• 14:56
  Matt: Oh, you you the same results as the easy bake.
• 14:59
  Matt: Correct.
• 15:00
  Matt: You you don't want it to be able to get up to proper temps.
• 15:04
  Matt: No, no, no, no.
• 15:06
  Matt: I see, I see.
• 15:07
  Matt: Because what the easy bake oven is just what, like a battery.
• 15:11
  Eric: It is a it is like a sing, yeah, it is like a single light bulb that gets hot enough to bake whatever that power mix is.
• 15:21
  Eric: Oh I got it right away.
• 15:22
  Eric: I got it right away.
• 15:23
  Eric: What do you got?
• 15:23
  Eric: What do you got?
• 15:24
  Eric: What do you got?
• 15:24
  Matt: First of all, you remember those toy, not even toys, you do them in like science class, you know, completing the circuit.
• 15:32
  Matt: Yes.
• 15:34
  Matt: For starters, you have to build the circuit.
• 15:36
  Eric: You have to build the circuit that will power your light bulb.
• 15:40
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 15:41
  Eric: You have to follow, and they're like, there's cute little easy bake oven, like like the sh like the shittiest IKEA like direction.
• 15:48
  Matt: I'm just gonna say it comes with IKEA instructions to put it together.
• 15:52
  Matt: Yes, but not just the circuit, the whole thing.
• 15:55
  Matt: Oh, the whole thing.
• 15:57
  Matt: It comes in a million plastic pouches like a Lego set.
• 16:00
  Eric: And it should be just difficult enough, like it should be easy enough that your parents can reasonably say, oh no, you got you wanted the toy, you gotta put it together.
• 16:10
  Eric: Like that you know what?
• 16:11
  Eric: Fuck it.
• 16:12
  Matt: It should be Legos.
• 16:13
  Matt: It the the uh the form of it should be Legos.
• 16:15
  Eric: It's a it's a Lego brick oven.
• 16:17
  Eric: It's a brick.
• 16:18
  Eric: It's a Lego brick oven.
• 16:19
  Eric: It's perfect.
• 16:20
  Eric: It's a Lego brick oven.
• 16:23
  Eric: You gotta you give a little fucking paddle.
• 16:26
  Matt: Oh, and after all, Lego instructions are just preparing you for IKEA instructions down the line.
• 16:31
  Eric: 100%.
• 16:32
  Eric: What do you think is better?
• 16:33
  Eric: Lego instructions or IKEA instructions?
• 16:36
  Eric: Oh, Lego instructions are clear.
• 16:37
  Eric: Lego instructions for sure.
• 16:39
  Matt: Lego instructions are clearer, if that's what you mean.
• 16:42
  Matt: Either yeah.
• 16:43
  Matt: Yes.
• 16:44
  Matt: Yes.
• 16:44
  Matt: Although I have gotten quite adept at doing the IKEA.
• 16:49
  Eric: Oh, yes.
• 16:50
  Eric: After a while, you begin to learn how to like follow their logic.
• 16:53
  Eric: Like you think like them.
• 16:55
  Eric: You begin to think like them.
• 16:57
  Eric: It's like, ah, yes.
• 16:58
  Eric: Do not do not merely assemble the flume.
• 17:02
  Eric: Be the flume.
• 17:03
  Matt: By the way, are we gonna do an episode undercover in an IKEA as we joked about an episode or two ago?
• 17:08
  Eric: Yes.
• 17:08
  Eric: Unironically, yes, let's do it.
• 17:11
  Matt: Unironically, audience, you you gotta let us know if we should take if this is a risk worth taking.
• 17:16
  Matt: What's the risk?
• 17:17
  Matt: I think just being kicked out.
• 17:18
  Matt: So I don't know.
• 17:19
  Eric: They they ask us politely, uh politely to leave and we immediately.
• 17:23
  Matt: I have no idea how we'd record.
• 17:24
  Matt: We'd have to buy a mic, at least.
• 17:25
  Eric: We have to buy a mic.
• 17:26
  Eric: We'd have to find some sort of hookup.
• 17:28
  Matt: There's a show right now I'm listening to that um uh is doing something similar to this.
• 17:34
  Matt: Um it's Matt Gorley's Mall Walking.
• 17:36
  Matt: I recommend checking it out.
• 17:37
  Matt: It's a fun time they just walk around malls.
• 17:39
  Matt: That's literally the plot of the podcast.
• 17:40
  Matt: Um that's so awesome.
• 17:42
  Matt: What a kick! What a kick.
• 17:43
  Matt: It's a fun time.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_04: And we had to go with this.
• 17:46
  Matt: And we had to go with this bullshit.
• 17:48
  Matt: So uh anyway, let us know.
• 17:50
  Matt: So where were we?
• 17:51
  Eric: It's made of it's made of Lego bricks.
• 17:53
  Eric: They have to assemble, like they have to build the circuit for the light bulb themselves.
• 17:58
  Eric: And they should be given multiple opportunities.
• 18:01
  Eric: Like it should be almost like a puzzle putting together the the the oven.
• 18:06
  Eric: Like you get like three different sized bulbs, but only one of them is up to code, like to easy code.
• 18:15
  Matt: Yeah, there need and there, yeah, that's a good point.
• 18:17
  Matt: There should be a um oSHIS inspector that shows up at the end.
• 18:21
  Eric: 100%.
• 18:22
  Eric: And it is another child.
• 18:24
  Eric: Yeah.
• 18:28
  Matt: To really make it tough, to really make it tough, you have to appoint a sibling to be the person.
• 18:36
  Matt: And if you do not have a sibling, you need to go to your nearest friend's sibling.
• 18:42
  Matt: Can't be your friend, has to be your friend's sibling.
• 18:45
  Eric: Yeah, it there has to be that that older sibling energy there.
• 18:49
  Eric: Yeah, or younger sibling.
• 18:50
  Eric: Or younger.
• 18:51
  Eric: You're fine with it.
• 18:52
  Eric: Better if it's younger sibling.
• 18:54
  Eric: That's what I'm saying.
• 18:54
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 18:56
  Eric: Little little little little just little.
• 18:57
  Matt: As a younger sibling, I would have had a field day with this assignment.
• 19:01
  Eric: Oh, oh, you you would have j you would have volunteered, you would have gone house to house.
• 19:06
  Matt: I would have come in with a visor and and one of them accounting visors.
• 19:11
  Eric: You would have had the or you would have had a combination uh hard hat and accounting visor.
• 19:17
  Matt: Yeah, absolutely.
• 19:18
  Eric: For little little little OSHA babies.
• 19:21
  Matt: And I would have had the full COVID face mask uh going too much.
• 19:25
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 19:26
  Matt: For some reason.
• 19:27
  Eric: Yet still wearing little khakis and a little little little little you know, uh, I'm seeing a blue polo.
• 19:34
  Eric: Blue polo.
• 19:34
  Matt: Yes.
• 19:35
  Matt: One and then and then like rubber gloves for some reason.
• 19:39
  Eric: Yeah, yeah.
• 19:39
  Eric: You're putting them on, you're like, hey, look, you know, uh, we we know I'm I'm not the bad guy.
• 19:44
  Eric: Hey, I'm just doing my job.
• 19:45
  Eric: I'm just doing my job.
• 19:47
  Eric: You appointed me.
• 19:48
  Eric: Yeah, you look, if you don't, if you don't want little baby fire department coming here and their little little red power wheel and squirting you with the squirt guns because you're you're you're Lego oven combusted, then and I think it should be in the mouse trap style of games, which is to say, yes, you you won't know if you fucked it up until the fair until you are done and you hit the little go button.
• 20:14
  Eric: There's like a just a little rub bro, like the it all of the internal mechanism, it's Lego chassis, but Kinex mechanics inside.
• 20:24
  Eric: God, Kinex.
• 20:25
  Matt: I haven't thought about a hot minute.
• 20:27
  Eric: Uh, but this is all like I know I'm using analogs like Lego and Kinex, but like this is all on like a mega blocks budget, if you know what I'm saying.
• 20:38
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 20:39
  Matt: Uh yeah, no, for sure, for sure.
• 20:42
  Matt: A Playmobile budget, if you will.
• 20:44
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 20:45
  Matt: Let's make some more references uh that are from the 1990s to follow up our Margaritaville episodes that we just did.
• 20:56
  Eric: Um so you need to get you need to get little baby OSHA approval.
• 21:01
  Eric: Little baby OSHA approval.
• 21:03
  Eric: OSHA babies.
• 21:04
  Eric: Um, you because you don't want the little baby fire marshal coming no god oh he's such a dick.
• 21:10
  Eric: He's such a dick.
• 21:11
  Eric: He's only got two weeks until pre-K is over.
• 21:14
  Eric: Then he can retire and go to elementary school.
• 21:16
  Eric: There you go.
• 21:17
  Eric: Retire and go to elementary school, yeah.
• 21:20
  Eric: He's like, um, I'm not crapping my diapers enough for this shit.
• 21:24
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 21:25
  Eric: The ingredients.
• 21:27
  Eric: The ingredients.
• 21:28
  Matt: The ingredients.
• 21:29
  Matt: Uh now do they come with the easy backup?
• 21:33
  Eric: Can you tell me?
• 21:34
  Eric: Goodness no.
• 21:35
  Eric: Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
• 21:38
  Eric: You you have to you have to like physically mail, like you have to fill out an order slip and like mail, you have to like get your parents to mail it, and then they will send you the ingredients, but like piecemeal and several of these ingredients have to be refrigerated.
• 21:57
  Matt: You've got you if it's a pizza oven, you've got Got to make the dough, which you it needs to prove.
• 22:03
  Matt: You need to need it, and you need to, and also, so this whole time we've talked about it being a toy.
• 22:10
  Matt: Yep.
• 22:11
  Matt: I think it's important that the size of the toy be discussed.
• 22:15
  Matt: And I think the size of the toy should be while it is not a life size, while it is not a functioning real oven, it is the size of one.
• 22:24
  Eric: Your parents are gonna have to dedicate uh uh an unreasonable amount of the house's space for this to occupy.
• 22:31
  Matt: God forbid if you live in like a two-bedroom apartment.
• 22:34
  Eric: Oh my god, if you ever have to hope you never move.
• 22:38
  Eric: Hope you never move.
• 22:39
  Eric: Pray you never fucking move.
• 22:41
  Matt: Because it's gonna need to be installed into the wall.
• 22:44
  Eric: Yeah, it and yeah, and you need to make sure you're zoned for this shit.
• 22:49
  Eric: Like baby Osha is going to ruin you.
• 22:55
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 22:56
  Eric: So you yeah, you have to prove it.
• 22:58
  Eric: You have to like mix the dough.
• 23:00
  Eric: Uh, you have to make sure you're fake you're following, you know, baby FDA rules.
• 23:05
  Eric: Yeah, they will they will come down hard on you if if all your shit's not been sterilized.
• 23:11
  Matt: And then finally, the last stage, you've built everything, you've done it correctly.
• 23:16
  Matt: Osha, baby OSHA's approved it.
• 23:18
  Matt: Baby Fire Marshall's good with your setup.
• 23:21
  Matt: You've you've made the perfect rise of Joe.
• 23:24
  Matt: You've spun it, you've done everything you need to do.
• 23:26
  Matt: It bakes, and it takes forever to bake because it's just a light bulb.
• 23:31
  Matt: So it takes it takes forever to bake this real-sized pizza.
• 23:35
  Matt: And then finally, you need to get approval from a real New York pizzeria pizza maker who's gonna come in and say, Let me take a look at this pie.
• 23:48
  Eric: Hey, oh Matt, you have to get approval from Chef Boy RD.
• 23:52
  Eric: The fuck is this, Susie?
• 23:55
  Matt: You call this a pie?
• 23:56
  Matt: What the spread of these pepperonis so uneven.
• 24:00
  Matt: This piece here don't have anything.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_02: You ain't you ain't using water from whatever the fuck river we got in New York.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_02: What what what what's the name of that one?
• 24:12
  Matt: Eric, there are so many options you could have gotten.
• 24:17
  Eric: But like the one in New York City, the Hudson.
• 24:20
  Eric: East.
• 24:21
  Eric: Yeah.
• 24:22
  Matt: Jesus.
• 24:23
  Eric: I can't.
• 24:23
  Matt: I'm so embarrassed.
• 24:24
  Eric: I can't remember.
• 24:25
  Eric: I'm sorry, I can't remember what parasite-infested water they used to make the pizza in New York.
• 24:33
  Eric: And it is because of not parasites, but there are little like the the the unique flavor.
• 24:39
  Matt: It's called seasoning, you fucking noob.
• 24:43
  Eric: New York pizza does fucking slap.
• 24:45
  Eric: So like don't even add me.
• 24:47
  Eric: It slaps.
• 24:47
  Eric: I'll eat, I'll eat river bugs in my pizza all day long if my pizza tastes like that.
• 24:51
  Matt: Eric, no one's coming for you.
• 24:52
  Matt: Eric, no one's coming for you.
• 24:53
  Matt: No one's coming for you.
• 24:54
  Matt: Relax.
• 24:55
  Matt: It's okay.
• 24:55
  Eric: Oh, thank fucking God.
• 24:56
  Eric: Back off him.
• 24:58
  Eric: I do think I think that no matter how hard the child strives with their complicated bake oven, the end result with their little pizza, it'll be about like the best they can hope for is it'll be on caliber with a lunchables pizza.
• 25:13
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 25:14
  Matt: And what they bake is a full-size pizza, but the only edible part, and the the New York pizzeria approver has to cut out, oh, you could probably eat this part, and it's just the regular lunchable-size pizza.
• 25:27
  Matt: Yeah, it is and he throws everything else out.
• 25:30
  Eric: It's a horrible food waste.
• 25:32
  Eric: And that's really one of the most important lessons a child can learn is that starting a restaurant in this economy, fucking forget about it.
• 25:41
  Matt: The year 2023.
• 25:42
  Eric: 90% of restaurants fail, kid, in their first year.
• 25:47
  Matt: Yeah, and so right, and before you can enjoy the pizza you eat, you have to watch the bear both seasons of it.
• 25:54
  Matt: Both seasons.
• 25:56
  Matt: Uh straight, straight through.
• 25:58
  Matt: No, no mental breaks for you.
• 26:00
  Eric: Yeah.
• 26:00
  Eric: Uh, kids gotta start smoking.
• 26:02
  Eric: You work in the restaurant business, you are doing it.
• 26:04
  Eric: You can start smoking immediately.
• 26:06
  Eric: Building your Lego oven, your connecting circuits to light bulbs, or you're smoking.
• 26:12
  Matt: Those those are absolutely you got your Marlboro's or your your Paul Malls.
• 26:18
  Matt: Yeah.
• 26:20
  Matt: I don't know any other cigarette brands.
• 26:22
  Matt: Camels.
• 26:24
  Matt: Your camels.
• 26:25
  Eric: I feel like this entire toy is like a the revenge fantasy of every parent who has ever had to spend Christmas Day building some piece of shit batcave or like which my parents did.
• 26:39
  Eric: I had the most baller fucking batcave as a child.
• 26:42
  Eric: It ruled it.
• 26:44
  Eric: I had a batcave.
• 26:45
  Matt: The Batman Forever Batcave situation?
• 26:47
  Matt: Yeah.
• 26:48
  Eric: What in the same with the little L it had like the spinny like elevator too?
• 26:51
  Matt: And it like closed up.
• 26:52
  Matt: Whoa, we had the same Batcave.
• 26:55
  Matt: Yeah, man.
• 26:55
  Matt: It's a very popular toy.
• 26:56
  Eric: I'm not surprised.
• 26:57
  Eric: That Batcave fucking ruled.
• 26:59
  Matt: I think we've made a pretty complicated bake oven.
• 27:02
  Eric: Oh, yeah, we've made a very complicated bake oven.
• 27:04
  Matt: Well then, Eric, what do you what do you say?
• 27:07
  Matt: Uh first of all, F uncultured for the question.
• 27:10
  Matt: Lads.
• 27:11
  Matt: Uh appreciate you.
• 27:12
  Matt: And uh yeah, of course, if you haven't yet, by all means go listen to Cultured wherever you get damn podcasts, particularly the episode that we uh guested on for the Roast of uh Super Mario.
• 27:26
  Matt: Roasted Super Mario.
• 27:28
  Matt: We sure fucking did.
• 27:29
  Matt: So absolutely check that out.
• 27:31
  Matt: Uh now, but Eric, we need to get serious because it is time for a definitive ranking.
• 27:38
  Matt: And it's been a while.
• 27:39
  Matt: It has been a while.
• 27:41
  Matt: Indeed.
• 27:42
  Matt: So for the for any new listeners' benefit, the definitive ranking is when we will um rank something definitively.
• 27:50
  Eric: Yes.
• 27:51
  Eric: Before we have ranked uh free bread in restaurants, we have ranked uh chocolates uh from a Valentine's box box in the heart boxes.
• 28:02
  Eric: Yes, absolutely.
• 28:04
  Matt: And now, Matthew, here's a story about a lovely lady who was, if memory serves, preach it, bringing up three very lovely girls.
• 28:16
  Eric: Did all of them have hair of gold?
• 28:18
  Eric: Just like their mother.
• 28:20
  Eric: Like their mother?
• 28:20
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 28:21
  Eric: The youngest one in curls.
• 28:22
  Matt: In curls.
• 28:24
  Matt: I mean, of course.
• 28:25
  Matt: That's right, folks.
• 28:26
  Matt: We're talking about the Brady bunch.
• 28:30
  Matt: We are gonna put them in the order they have earned.
• 28:35
  Eric: Yes, that they deserve.
• 28:37
  Matt: We are going yes, we are best to worsting these here Brady.
• 28:41
  Matt: We are grading the Brady bunch.
• 28:43
  Matt: We're grading the Brady bunch.
• 28:46
  Matt: That's right.
• 28:46
  Matt: And now, Eric, in the past, we have used uh custom scale.
• 28:52
  Matt: Uh for the chocolates, it was one to ten uh Whitmans.
• 28:57
  Matt: And for uh the bread it was uh crumbs, I believe.
• 29:00
  Matt: And for the reindeer, it was something, something else.
• 29:04
  Matt: Something, hose.
• 29:06
  Matt: Hose, I think it was hose.
• 29:08
  Matt: Oh's all over the place.
• 29:10
  Matt: Hose all over the place.
• 29:12
  Matt: So, what should we use for the bread?
• 29:13
  Eric: It'd be easy to say Brady's.
• 29:15
  Eric: It it would be so easy to say Brady's.
• 29:18
  Eric: Um, I think it's I think we should go for the scale being Marsha's.
• 29:24
  Eric: I like that, Eric.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: God, yes, yes, yes.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_00: Smart.
• 29:28
  Matt: So, all right.
• 29:29
  Matt: So, why don't we start with a little bit of a level set?
• 29:33
  Matt: Okay, just yeah, in case someone is out there and not familiar with the 1970s television hit show The Brady Bunch.
• 29:44
  Eric: Yes.
• 29:45
  Matt: So the Brady's consist of Mike and Carol Brady, the parents.
• 29:52
  Matt: Uh now Mike uh had three boys of his own.
• 29:56
  Matt: They are Greg, Peter, and Bobby.
• 30:00
  Matt: The uh the ladies are uh Marcia, Jan, and Cindy.
• 30:08
  Eric: And then Carol, yeah.
• 30:09
  Matt: And Carol being the mother.
• 30:11
  Matt: And then most importantly, is Alice the housekeeper.
• 30:17
  Matt: Thank you.
• 30:17
  Eric: If you thought for a fucking second that we were not including Alice in this rant, Alice, get the fuck out of my face.
• 30:26
  Matt: Let me just say, I'm gonna say it before we even begin.
• 30:30
  Matt: I'm gonna go with my gut, Eric.
• 30:32
  Matt: Alice, the one to beat.
• 30:35
  Eric: Alice is the one to beat.
• 30:36
  Eric: Alice is I'm I really going into this Brady Derby.
• 30:42
  Eric: Fucking mind on this.
• 30:43
  Eric: We are of one mind.
• 30:45
  Eric: Uh, and to give you all kind of a glance in into uh my life, I've been mulling this over.
• 30:53
  Eric: I I was the one who pitched this to Matt.
• 30:55
  Eric: I was like, we should fucking write the Brady bunch.
• 30:58
  Eric: Uh because I'm out of ideas at that point.
• 31:02
  Eric: Yeah.
• 31:03
  Eric: Uh and I've been thinking about it so much that I have actually in my head began assigning the major arcana of the tarot deck to each member of the family, and I will be sharing those thoughts with you as well.
• 31:21
  Matt: Okay, so why don't we start?
• 31:24
  Matt: So, what I've done is first of all, I pulled up the the page for there is, of course, a Brady Bunch wiki, uh, it's all its own entire wiki uh ecosystem.
• 31:35
  Matt: I pulled up each page, but they all had these pop-up video ads on them.
• 31:38
  Matt: So I'm on the regular Wikipedia page.
• 31:41
  Matt: I'm gonna read some of these things, and I think, Eric, that we should start with the outlier, which is to say Alice.
• 31:49
  Matt: Yes.
• 31:50
  Matt: And then and then go down.
• 31:52
  Matt: What do you think?
• 31:52
  Matt: Oldest to youngest?
• 31:54
  Eric: Uh uh, yes.
• 31:56
  Eric: I think that is or youngest to oldest.
• 31:58
  Eric: Ooh.
• 32:00
  Matt: Who shall be the first to taste our blade?
• 32:03
  Matt: Basically, do you want to start with the parents or Cindy?
• 32:06
  Matt: Those are the let's start with Cindy.
• 32:11
  Matt: Okay.
• 32:11
  Matt: Well, first Alice, I think.
• 32:13
  Eric: Yes.
• 32:14
  Eric: Oh, yes, of course.
• 32:15
  Eric: Of course.
• 32:16
  Matt: So Alice, and this is from the real Wikipedia again, donate today.
• 32:20
  Matt: Alice is the housekeeper of the Brady family, portrayed by Ann B.
• 32:24
  Matt: Davis in the original show.
• 32:26
  Matt: Alice grew up in the same neighborhood as the Brady's, graduating from Westdale High School, the school Greg and Marsha attended in the series.
• 32:32
  Matt: She was the housekeeper to Mike Brady, his previous wife, who died before the series started.
• 32:39
  Matt: And I want to talk about that later, and their three boys.
• 32:43
  Matt: Alice stayed on to be the housekeeper for not only his boys, but Carol and the three daughters, et cetera, et cetera.
• 32:49
  Matt: Uh, she was best known for telling jokes, often self-deprecating and usually interspersed with drier humor than the rest of the Braid clan, which were almost invariably met with Oh Alice.
• 33:03
  Eric: Yep.
• 33:05
  Matt: Alice was also known for her sky blue housekeeping uniform, which she almost always wore.
• 33:10
  Matt: She was also joined in the kill children's games, including basketball, and went along with the family on vacations.
• 33:17
  Matt: Because why not?
• 33:24
  Matt: Physical activity sometimes would cause Alice to throw her back out, making her immobile for short periods of time.
• 33:30
  Matt: Yep.
• 33:31
  Matt: But I'm gonna jump ahead because what I want to talk about in the 1990s parody musicals or movies, 1990s paradigm, which I recently rewatched the first one, it's still fucking golden.
• 33:48
  Matt: They're absolutely wild, and what needs to be noted is that I believe it's in a very brady sequel that it happens, but it's what I remember, and it to the point that I had to look up that it wasn't in the show.
• 34:02
  Matt: Alice in the Very Brady sequel lives in the refrigerator.
• 34:09
  Matt: She opens the refrigerator, goes in there, disappears through a portal, and comes back only later in time.
• 34:18
  Eric: Well, because that that's my question.
• 34:20
  Eric: Like, is it ever established in the show where the fuck Alice lives, sleeps?
• 34:25
  Matt: I am I my whole life until I checked this fact, I thought she lived in the fucking fridge.
• 34:32
  Matt: And that's because of the Brady bunch movies, which are fake indoctrinating our children.
• 34:43
  Matt: Yeah, hold on.
• 34:44
  Matt: Let me uh I'm gonna look it up for you.
• 34:47
  Eric: Yeah, because this show had 117 episodes.
• 34:50
  Eric: I don't remember seeing Alice's digs.
• 34:52
  Eric: I don't remember.
• 34:54
  Matt: I don't think we ever I don't think we ever did, but it is in a very brady sequel.
• 35:00
  Matt: Oh, instead of walking through the home to her maid chamber, she opens the refrigerator door, steps in, and disappears into the night.
• 35:10
  Matt: Uh so that is in a very brady sequel, which I'm not a hundred percent sure is a canon.
• 35:18
  Eric: No, I I will contend that the first movie is canon, but not the second.
• 35:23
  Eric: The second was a parody of a parody.
• 35:25
  Eric: The first one was just pure golden sure.
• 35:30
  Matt: So, and then of course, she also dated uh Sam the butcher for most of the show.
• 35:36
  Matt: They got engaged at the end of it.
• 35:39
  Matt: Uh Sam and Alice won awards in Charleston dancing and bowling, which was then also parodied in the Brady Bunch movie, uh, where uh Sam gave Alice a new bowling ball instead of an engagement room.
• 35:53
  Matt: Oh, yes.
• 35:54
  Matt: And they were married sometime between The Brady Bunch and The Brady Girls Get Married, one of the many failed spin-offs of the Brady Bunch, including what was supposed to be I this is something I didn't know but learned uh in researching the show, in what was meant to be like the grown-up sequel, The Brady's, with the entire regional cast that lasted a grand total of six episodes.
• 36:17
  SPEAKER_04: Woof.
• 36:18
  Matt: Yeah.
• 36:20
  Matt: Woof.
• 36:20
  Matt: Woof.
• 36:21
  Matt: Woof indeed.
• 36:23
  Matt: Um so Alice, very, very funny, very witty, so often the comic relief in a sitcom, which is in itself is saying something.
• 36:33
  Matt: The uh I think she is truly the glue holding this whole situation together.
• 36:42
  Matt: And also, something that I want to to point out in what I was saying, the self-deprecating, the drier humor, yep, uh, all of that that that was being pointed out by Wikipedia, uh, and the the physical activity, throwing her back out, making her immobile, blah, blah, blah.
• 37:00
  Matt: Alice has lived.
• 37:02
  Matt: Okay.
• 37:03
  Matt: God has she lived.
• 37:05
  Matt: She's got a working class job.
• 37:08
  Matt: Uh, she she a physical job.
• 37:11
  Eric: She's not only cleaning their house, making every meal, she is like raising, like, she's teaching, she's a playmaking children, she's teaching life lessons.
• 37:22
  Eric: She fuck, she is basically like uh been adopted by the family.
• 37:28
  Eric: Like, she's like the Alfred Pennyworth to their Bruce Wayne.
• 37:31
  Eric: Like they are 100%.
• 37:33
  Eric: They are they are linked.
• 37:34
  Eric: I will also point out, like, yeah, she she's I agree, she's the glue holding the family together.
• 37:40
  Eric: Paradoxically, I feel like, and correct me if I'm wrong, you know, I will.
• 37:45
  Eric: A lot of the episodes, Alice is sort of the catalyst for the chaos.
• 37:52
  Matt: Alice, yeah, like she's like she's the person who you know.
• 37:58
  Eric: I can't I can't think of a good example, but like she left the something in the something, and now the oh like exactly.
• 38:06
  Matt: Or somebody else, somebody else left the something in the something, and she sees the something and goes, oh, this should be in the dryer, and then ruins a prom dress.
• 38:15
  Eric: She never has anything but the best, purest intentions, but calamity follows in her wake.
• 38:24
  Eric: But it is her her humor and her charm that like sees people through.
• 38:30
  Eric: So it's like Alice is the cause of and solution to all of the Brady's problems.
• 38:36
  Eric: And that is why, Matthew, the card that I give her of the major arcana in the tarot is the tower, often associated with sudden, like, dis like disastrous change, sudden reversals of fortunes, throwing our backs out, calamity.
• 38:56
  Eric: Absolutely, chaos.
• 38:58
  Matt: Yep.
• 38:59
  Matt: What does that translate in terms of the Marsha scale?
• 39:03
  Eric: On the Marsha scale, Alice would would be an easy 10 if it weren't for the the bungling, the comedic.
• 39:12
  Eric: The bungling.
• 39:13
  Eric: The bungling.
• 39:14
  Eric: I would say nine marshes.
• 39:17
  Eric: Okay.
• 39:19
  Eric: Nine marshes, huh?
• 39:21
  Eric: What are you feeling?
• 39:23
  Eric: I'm getting like an eight-five from you right now.
• 39:25
  Matt: Like, I hate to cut well, no, I also was thinking about a 10.
• 39:30
  Matt: I hate to come out with such a high score, but I do think she's the one to beat.
• 39:35
  Matt: And so I'm good with a nine.
• 39:38
  Matt: I'm good with a nine.
• 39:39
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 39:39
  Matt: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 39:40
  Matt: Nine marshes for Alice.
• 39:42
  Matt: Okay.
• 39:42
  Matt: All right.
• 39:43
  Matt: So you you wanted to start young, right?
• 39:51
  SPEAKER_02: Oh.
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_02: Oops.
• 39:56
  Matt: Oops.
• 39:57
  Matt: You wanted to start with the youngest.
• 39:59
  SPEAKER_02: Is that somehow is it better?
• 40:02
  Matt: Oh, oh no.
• 40:05
  Matt: You wanted to start with the baby.
• 40:06
  Matt: Oh no.
• 40:07
  Matt: Oh.
• 40:07
  SPEAKER_04: Oh my god.
• 40:09
  SPEAKER_04: Bring me the youngest.
• 40:13
  Matt: Do you want to start with Cindy?
• 40:15
  Matt: Yes.
• 40:15
  Matt: And work our way up?
• 40:16
  Matt: Oh, yes.
• 40:17
  Matt: In in the most respectful and not creepy way possible.
• 40:21
  Matt: 100%.
• 40:23
  Matt: Cindy Brady.
• 40:25
  Matt: This bitch.
• 40:25
  Matt: Cynthia.
• 40:27
  Matt: Also, Ni Cynthia Martin.
• 40:31
  Matt: She's the youngest Brady daughter and youngest Brady child in general.
• 40:35
  Matt: She was portrayed as naive, but occasionally precocious little girl who was most often seen wearing her hair in corkscrew, curls, or braids, and had a pronounced lithp.
• 40:48
  Matt: Yep.
• 40:48
  Matt: She frequently liked to snoop and share secrets she had found out.
• 40:53
  Matt: Oh, yeah.
• 40:54
  Matt: In one episode, the family had to help her correct her habit of tattling.
• 41:00
  Eric: Yes.
• 41:01
  Eric: She is a fucking snitch.
• 41:03
  Matt: Don't say yes like you remember this episode of the Brady Bunch.
• 41:08
  Eric: Oh no, I was saying yes to all the descriptors of the I thought you were like, ah, yes, I remember.
• 41:17
  Matt: You and I have the same level of exposure to the Brady Bunch as every other millennial, which is we would watch it on Nick at night when we were sick.
• 41:25
  Matt: Correct.
• 41:27
  Matt: When nothing else was on.
• 41:30
  Eric: So let's get this out, let's address the elephant in the room.
• 41:33
  Eric: Oh, I'm not done.
• 41:34
  Eric: Oh, go on.
• 41:35
  Matt: Cindy Brady also had various failed attempts at fame, such as attempting to break the world record for teeter-tottering, appearing on a game show on which she suffered from stage fright and had a catatonic attack.
• 41:49
  SPEAKER_02: Had a what?
• 41:51
  Matt: A catatonic attack, is what it says.
• 41:54
  Matt: I don't even know what that means.
• 41:56
  Matt: She just went, she fainted, I guess.
• 41:58
  Eric: She went back in nom into a coma.
• 42:02
  Eric: God damn.
• 42:03
  Eric: All right, Cindy.
• 42:04
  Eric: And do you have an answer to the question?
• 42:06
  Eric: And she's just back on Hill 315, fucking shooting Charlie's in the trees.
• 42:12
  Matt: And tr and trying to become, quote, the new Shirley Temple.
• 42:18
  Matt: However, she does she does play a pivotal role in helping Bobby meet boyhood idol Joe Namath by assigning Bobby's name to a letter saying he is really, really sick.
• 42:30
  Matt: So he she she fabricated a make-a-wish to get Joe Namath.
• 42:37
  Matt: What a good sister.
• 42:40
  Matt: On on The Brady's, the fa the six-episode series that I would later uh that I just talked about, uh Cindy later became a DJ, much like Susan Olsen, who played Cindy, did herself.
• 42:54
  Matt: How about that?
• 42:55
  unknown: Oh.
• 42:56
  Matt: And then she becomes romantically involved with her boss.
• 42:59
  Matt: Oh, who is more than 15 years her senior and has two children.
• 43:04
  Matt: All right.
• 43:05
  Matt: The relationship did not have time to develop before the Brady's was cancelled.
• 43:10
  Matt: By episode six.
• 43:11
  Matt: Mercifully.
• 43:13
  Matt: Mercifully, it did not develop.
• 43:15
  Matt: I can't imagine why this show failed.
• 43:17
  Matt: God.
• 43:19
  Eric: Boy Meets World took a look at that and said, let's do the opposite of that for an episode.
• 43:24
  Matt: Yes.
• 43:25
  Eric: Oh man.
• 43:27
  Matt: Oh God.
• 43:28
  Matt: Yuck.
• 43:28
  Matt: Okay.
• 43:29
  Matt: Okay.
• 43:29
  Matt: So Cindy.
• 43:31
  Eric: So let's establish the facts.
• 43:32
  Matt: What?
• 43:33
  Eric: A fucking snitch.
• 43:34
  Eric: A narc.
• 43:35
  Eric: A narc.
• 43:36
  Eric: She's absolutely like she's the kid who would report someone for behaving suspiciously just walking down the street.
• 43:45
  Eric: She is she's a she's a rule follower.
• 43:48
  Eric: She real she is a the rule following defines her.
• 43:53
  Eric: Yeah.
• 43:53
  Eric: And and I guess, unless you know, you know, we follow the rules until we want our brother to meet Joe Namath, then we pretend.
• 44:00
  Eric: Pretend he has a terminal illness.
• 44:04
  Matt: I now it just says quote, really, really sick.
• 44:07
  Matt: It doesn't say he has pancreatic cancer.
• 44:12
  Eric: I'm imagining they italicized one of the releases, like, oh, my brother's really, really sick.
• 44:20
  Matt: They didn't, but I can only imagine that's how it's delivered in the voiceover.
• 44:23
  Eric: All that to say, Cindy rate's pretty low for me.
• 44:27
  Eric: I think so.
• 44:28
  Eric: And the the card I give her of the Major Arcana is temperance.
• 44:34
  Eric: Explain it.
• 44:35
  Eric: She's the one.
• 44:35
  Eric: Well, uh temperance, uh, you know, like refraining.
• 44:38
  Eric: You know, like the the idea of uh, you know, temperance is usually depicted pouring, pouring like liquid from one cup to another, usually depicted diluting wine with water.
• 44:48
  Eric: It's like, no, let's all follow the rules, let's all be responsible, let's all, you know, everyone just stay in your lane, or else I'll fucking tattle on you.
• 44:59
  Matt: Yeah, I don't know.
• 45:01
  Matt: There is a lot of cons here for sure.
• 45:04
  Matt: What are the redeeming facts?
• 45:06
  Eric: Like, I'm like, she got her brother to meet Joe Namath at what cost?
• 45:10
  Eric: At what cost?
• 45:12
  Eric: Specifically, because this means Joe Namath, we're not the elephant in the room, is Joe Namath did not visit an actually terminally ill child.
• 45:20
  Eric: That's true.
• 45:21
  Eric: Because Cindy just really wanted her brother to meet him.
• 45:27
  Matt: So that well, is that before uh I'm assuming that's before because Bobby ends up paralyzed, right?
• 45:34
  Matt: What?
• 45:35
  Matt: I think he ends up paralyzed down the line when in at least in the movies or something, when he's ra because he's a becomes a race car driver and then he gets in a crash.
• 45:43
  Matt: What?
• 45:44
  Matt: I'm pretty sure that's true, but we're gonna get to Bobby next.
• 45:47
  Matt: So Bobby next.
• 45:48
  Eric: We'll we'll unpack that when we get to it.
• 45:50
  Matt: We'll get to him in a minute.
• 45:52
  Matt: So the I'm pretty sure that's true, though.
• 45:54
  Matt: And so Cindy, uh honestly, there's not a lot redeeming here, is there?
• 46:00
  Matt: No, I'm Cindy.
• 46:01
  Matt: She's got that cute, especially early in the series.
• 46:04
  Matt: You know, she's super, she's got that young innocence thing twinkle in her eye.
• 46:10
  Eric: The lisp, which I'm sure kids with speech, you know, speech impediments loved.
• 46:16
  Matt: I'm sure, yes, I'm sure, you know, they found it very tasteful.
• 46:20
  Matt: Um, a real music man situation here.
• 46:24
  Eric: Yes.
• 46:25
  Eric: I what are your thoughts?
• 46:26
  Eric: What are you thinking?
• 46:27
  Eric: How many Marsha Marsha Marshes?
• 46:29
  Matt: My gut is to give her five marshes.
• 46:34
  Matt: Five marshes?
• 46:35
  Eric: I'd I'd say I'll edit my response to say I'd go as high as as high as five.
• 46:41
  Eric: Because I'm sitting at like a three or four with with little little Cindy.
• 46:46
  Matt: How about a three point five?
• 46:48
  Eric: Three point five, one of my favorite editions of Dungeons and Dragons.
• 46:52
  Matt: We split the diff, so to speak, and go 3.5.
• 46:56
  Eric: Yes.
• 46:57
  Matt: All right, so we we're ready to move on then from Cindy to Bobby.
• 47:02
  Matt: Young Robert.
• 47:03
  Matt: Young Robert.
• 47:04
  Matt: Uh he's the youngest Brady's son.
• 47:07
  Matt: Uh he's clever and often overlooked as the youngest boy in the family.
• 47:13
  Matt: Bobby was portrayed as a whimsical dreamer, fantasizing about having various adventurous lifestyles, such as a race car driver, a cowboy, and an astronaut.
• 47:22
  Matt: On occasion, one on one occasion, one of his fantasies came true when he got to play football with Joe Namath.
• 47:30
  Matt: On another occasion, Bobby became a professional race car driver, which led to a crash and Bobby's paralysis on the Brady's.
• 47:40
  Matt: Bobby is going through rehabilitative therapy when he marries his girlfriend, Tracy.
• 47:47
  Matt: Bobby, who had dropped out of business school to pursue his dream of racing cars, resumes his originally intended career path, joining Peter in a business venture.
• 47:59
  Eric: Oh, Bobby, that's a tragic tale.
• 48:01
  Eric: Very tragic tale.
• 48:03
  Eric: And to the to the Bobby, I have given the magician of the major arcana, the cultivator of desires, the dreamer, the one who who wants to bend reality to his will.
• 48:16
  Eric: But at what cost, young Robert?
• 48:19
  Matt: Now I identify with Bobby because not only not only was I uh the the younger brother, only of two, grant you, but the younger brother, but Bobby and I I you know, I fashion myself as a whimsical dreamer.
• 48:34
  Eric: You're definitely a Bobby's son, maybe like uh like a like a Bobby's like a Marsha rising.
• 48:41
  Matt: Oh, don't give me all this.
• 48:43
  Eric: What uh look, I'm just stu that's the stars, not not me, bro.
• 48:48
  Matt: All right, sure, sure, sure.
• 48:50
  Matt: So the okay, so b yeah, okay, great.
• 48:53
  Matt: Yeah.
• 48:54
  Matt: Agreed.
• 48:55
  Matt: I'm a Greg Cusp.
• 48:56
  Matt: Agreed.
• 48:57
  Matt: I'm a Greg Cusc.
• 48:58
  Matt: I'll agree.
• 48:58
  Eric: Like I I'm a Greg Cusp, Matthew.
• 49:01
  Matt: Okay, yeah, I'm a Greg Cusp.
• 49:03
  Matt: I will just do what I always do when we get into these situations, uh, when when somebody presents me with these terms, which is agree and hope the conversation ends soon.
• 49:13
  unknown: Oh my God.
• 49:16
  Eric: So when I was telling you that I'm really proud of myself and I deserve nice things, and you just agreed with me earlier?
• 49:23
  Matt: No, no, no, no.
• 49:24
  Matt: I'm saying whenever I encounter someone who wants to read my chart, I'm always I'm always like, get it over with.
• 49:30
  Eric: Oh bro, we need to get your we need to get your chart read.
• 49:33
  Eric: We need to get your chart read.
• 49:34
  Matt: Dude, I have had it read so many times.
• 49:37
  Matt: And as soon, and let me tell you, if you want to begin with it, I will go, oh yeah, that sounds good because I know it'll make you happy.
• 49:45
  Matt: I immediately am not paying attention.
• 49:48
  Matt: Immediately.
• 49:49
  Eric: Honestly, I appreciate the the the sincerity.
• 49:52
  Eric: I appreciate the reason.
• 49:53
  Matt: And then when you when it sounds like I should weigh in with something, I'll I'll maybe even go so far as to ask a question, but that's not me.
• 50:01
  Matt: That's an avatar of Matt that I've put out there.
• 50:04
  Matt: Yeah.
• 50:05
  Matt: Yeah while I'm having big thoughts about my whimsical dreams.
• 50:09
  Eric: What is like, what is your big major like what it what what what sign are you?
• 50:14
  Matt: Scorpio.
• 50:15
  Matt: Of course.
• 50:16
  Matt: Jesus Christ.
• 50:17
  Matt: It didn't matter what I said.
• 50:19
  Matt: This is what drives me crazy about this.
• 50:21
  Matt: This is what drives me absolutely bonus about this whole bullshit.
• 50:24
  Matt: No matter what you say, the person's always like That's just what a Leo would say.
• 50:29
  Matt: Every single fucking time.
• 50:32
  Matt: It doesn't matter.
• 50:33
  Matt: You don't think I know what you're doing?
• 50:35
  Matt: You don't I got both hands on the microphone.
• 50:37
  Matt: Oh no, you don't think I know what you're doing to he is cupping the microphone?
• 50:40
  Matt: You don't think I know what you're doing?
• 50:42
  Matt: Or hey, he's cubbing the mic again.
• 50:44
  Matt: You don't think I know the ruse.
• 50:46
  Eric: I'm not safe.
• 50:48
  Eric: So the children.
• 50:50
  Matt: Back to the children.
• 50:51
  Eric: Back to the children.
• 50:52
  Eric: Bobby.
• 50:53
  Eric: So Bobby, uh, you know, Bobby, Bobby is like my five.
• 50:57
  Eric: No.
• 50:58
  Eric: I know I have I like Bobby.
• 50:59
  Eric: I no, I'm not even, I'm not, I don't, I don't dislike Bobby.
• 51:02
  Eric: I don't love Bobby.
• 51:03
  Eric: I'm just like Bobby.
• 51:05
  Eric: There he is.
• 51:06
  Eric: Back at it again.
• 51:08
  Eric: He is, he is, I will say this, he is like the the culmination of of of childhood, like whimsy and wonder.
• 51:18
  Matt: Yes.
• 51:18
  Matt: And that's why I'm so shocked that you that you, of all people, are gonna put him so low when you yourself are a whimsical dreamer.
• 51:26
  Eric: Thank you.
• 51:27
  Matt: Don't tell me you're not.
• 51:28
  Eric: No, I am.
• 51:29
  Eric: I am I am known for my flights of whimsy, my balliances of of of one thing or another.
• 51:37
  Eric: Of one thing or an or t' other.
• 51:39
  Eric: But like, yeah, what what are you thinking?
• 51:41
  Eric: What do you think for Bobby?
• 51:42
  Eric: Because this is the Alice.
• 51:45
  Matt: He's not an Alice.
• 51:48
  Matt: He's not he's not an Alice level.
• 51:50
  Matt: He's not Alice level.
• 51:52
  Matt: Think of like a but I don't know.
• 51:53
  Matt: I was feeling something like an eight?
• 51:55
  Matt: 7.5.
• 51:58
  Matt: Do you want to go?
• 51:58
  Matt: Do you want five feels insultingly low to me?
• 52:02
  Eric: Okay, I agree.
• 52:03
  Eric: I agree.
• 52:03
  Eric: I can see this is I can see the hurt in your eyes.
• 52:09
  Matt: Because I look at Bobby's eyes and I see the dream.
• 52:13
  Matt: I see the dream still alive in those twinkling little eyes of his.
• 52:17
  Eric: Yep, yep, yep.
• 52:18
  Eric: We gotta keep that dream alive.
• 52:19
  Eric: Uh to keep that dream alive, I'll go the 7.5.
• 52:21
  Eric: Oh, you will, will you?
• 52:23
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 52:23
  Eric: Or an eight.
• 52:24
  Eric: I'd go as high.
• 52:24
  Eric: I'd go, I'd I'd go to an eight for you.
• 52:26
  Matt: No, no, no, no, no.
• 52:27
  Matt: I'll um I concede the 7.5.
• 52:30
  Matt: Okay.
• 52:31
  Matt: We we can always adjust later if we need to.
• 52:33
  Matt: All right.
• 52:34
  Matt: So that brings us to Jan.
• 52:37
  Matt: Which is to say, Janet Brady.
• 52:40
  Matt: Oh, yes.
• 52:41
  Matt: Uh the later Jan Brady Covington.
• 52:44
  Matt: Jan is the middle Brady daughter, and many of her storylines involve her being jealous of her more popular older sister, Marsha, or Jan's awkward position as the middle child.
• 52:58
  Matt: In addition, Jan is also insecure about having freckles and wearing glasses, embarrassed about the fact that she does not have a boyfriend.
• 53:04
  Matt: Later in the series, she invents a fictional boyfriend named George Glass in an effort to save her reputation and concerned about her future appearance.
• 53:15
  Matt: In January 2015, this became the subject of an internet meme.
• 53:19
  Matt: We all know it.
• 53:20
  Matt: It's the Shirjan meme.
• 53:22
  Matt: A typical plot line surrounding Jan would feature attempting to carve out a niche in the family or to make a name for herself in school.
• 53:29
  Matt: In the episode Her Sister's Shadow, in exasperation at constantly being overshadowed by her older sister Marsha, she utters the now famous catchphrase Eric.
• 53:42
  Matt: Marsha, Marsha, Marsha.
• 53:45
  Matt: This line would later be parodied in both the Brady Bunch movie and in recurring Saturday Night Live sketch shows, as well as a bunch of other stuff.
• 53:53
  Matt: Just it entered the lexicon of pop culture.
• 53:57
  Eric: It was the Zeitgeist.
• 53:59
  Matt: It is the Zeitgeist to this day.
• 54:01
  Matt: Now, as a young teen, Jan had a striking resemblance to her great aunt Jenny, and in her young in her younger days.
• 54:08
  Matt: Jan is also occasionally absent-minded, once losing the tube containing her father's architectural plans while visiting King's Island Amusement Park.
• 54:18
  Matt: Just a classic whoopsy deal.
• 54:20
  Eric: Yeah, you know, Poe, but he's not.
• 54:23
  Matt: In her later high school years, Jan found out she had a talent for painting, which likely led to her career choice as an architect, just like her father.
• 54:32
  Matt: I mean, I excuse me, stepfather.
• 54:34
  Matt: Stepfather.
• 54:35
  Matt: Um in the Brady In the Brady Girls Get Married, Jan marries Philip Covington.
• 54:40
  Matt: The two met in college.
• 54:42
  Matt: He was her professor.
• 54:44
  Eric: Okay.
• 54:46
  Matt: I'm starting to sense a little bit of a pattern here with the writers of the Brady, the later Brady saga.
• 54:56
  Matt: The Covingtons briefly separated in in a very Brady Christmas, but they reconcile.
• 55:03
  Matt: However, they are unable to conceive their own children, and in the Brady's, adopt a Korean girl named Patty?
• 55:11
  Matt: What?
• 55:12
  Matt: Alright.
• 55:14
  Matt: Okay.
• 55:14
  Matt: Wow, this got real dark.
• 55:16
  Matt: So that's what we got from Wiki on Jan.
• 55:19
  Matt: What did you assign as her tarot card?
• 55:22
  Eric: To Jan.
• 55:24
  Eric: Janet, step forward for I give the judgment.
• 55:31
  Eric: The 20th of the major arcana.
• 55:34
  Eric: Judgment.
• 55:35
  Eric: She is judging others, mostly Marsha, and herself, harshly.
• 55:41
  Eric: Rebirth.
• 55:41
  Eric: Constantly trying to reinvent herself.
• 55:44
  Eric: Inner calling, absolution, karma, causality, second chances.
• 55:50
  Eric: All of this is Jan.
• 55:53
  Matt: And I find Jan also to be an incredibly identifiable character, at least to me.
• 55:58
  Eric: Oh, we we are pr I I think we're both pro like I I'm not saying anything controversial.
• 56:03
  Eric: We're pro-jan.
• 56:04
  Eric: I'd label both of us as Jan.
• 56:06
  Eric: Uh yes.
• 56:07
  Matt: I to both of us to both of us and everyone out, every other Jan out there, and most importantly to the Marshas, we're not saying anything about the Marshas yet, okay?
• 56:18
  Matt: We are just talking about Jan.
• 56:20
  Eric: And you know, yeah, we are we're leave that name out our fucking mouths when we're talking about Jan.
• 56:25
  Eric: It is Jan time.
• 56:26
  Eric: It is Jan's moment.
• 56:29
  Eric: This is Jan's moment.
• 56:30
  Eric: This is Jan's sport.
• 56:32
  Eric: Yeah, I think I think she's not just relatable to us though, Eric.
• 56:36
  Eric: I thought that joke was funny.
• 56:37
  Eric: Go on.
• 56:38
  Matt: It was.
• 56:39
  Matt: Okay.
• 56:40
  Matt: Eric, it was.
• 56:41
  Eric: Okay.
• 56:42
  Eric: Thank you.
• 56:43
  Eric: Wait, are you just agreeing with me?
• 56:46
  Eric: No, I wouldn't dare.
• 56:48
  Matt: Okay.
• 56:49
  Matt: Now I find Jan not only uh relatable to us, but I think she is one of the Bradies that perhaps the first of the Bradies that meets the sort of existential dread that adults get later.
• 57:06
  Matt: She's got it earlier.
• 57:08
  Matt: And and it it's relatable to the adults in the room, I think.
• 57:13
  Matt: When you're watching the show, you're able to be like, I know what she's going through.
• 57:18
  Eric: Yes.
• 57:18
  Eric: Oh god, yes.
• 57:20
  Eric: She is she is the the the the ambassador of the audience.
• 57:24
  Eric: She's saying aloud all the things we're like, why does Marsha get all this night shit?
• 57:29
  Eric: Why does Mar like why why why not why not Jan?
• 57:33
  Eric: Why not?
• 57:34
  SPEAKER_00: Why not Jan?
• 57:35
  Matt: Jan's enough.
• 57:38
  Matt: Jan is Jenuff.
• 57:40
  Matt: Jenough.
• 57:41
  Matt: Jan is Jennaf.
• 57:42
  Matt: Jan is Jenna.
• 57:43
  Matt: And for those reasons, Eric, I don't know that I came in this prepared to give Jan a high score, but I am now.
• 57:49
  Matt: I think she gets a high score.
• 57:51
  Matt: I think she gets a high score.
• 57:52
  Eric: I think she I okay like folks, like say what you want.
• 57:56
  Eric: This is our fucking show.
• 57:57
  Eric: I think she is she's earned it.
• 57:59
  Eric: I think she had to put up with so much shit that was so unfair for so long.
• 58:09
  Eric: I think she's earned a high score.
• 58:10
  Matt: Now, how high?
• 58:12
  Matt: Right now our high watermark is a nine.
• 58:16
  Eric: Matt, higher or lower than Alice.
• 58:20
  Eric: Matt, I think we have a chance here.
• 58:24
  Eric: I think we have a golden opportunity.
• 58:27
  Eric: Matt, we, we too, we, we happy too, we band of podcasters.
• 58:34
  Eric: We happy too of podcasting white men.
• 58:37
  Eric: We have the ability right now, we have the power in our hands to right a wrong.
• 58:44
  Eric: We have the ability to give Jan Brady a 10.
• 58:50
  Eric: We have the ability to make Jan a 10.
• 58:56
  Eric: Because not only is it what she deserves, but it also means for once she's gonna score higher than Marsha.
• 59:06
  Eric: We don't know that.
• 59:06
  Eric: We don't not that we yo, we don't know that.
• 59:09
  Eric: We don't know that.
• 59:09
  Matt: We haven't gotten a Marsha yet.
• 59:10
  Eric: We we haven't gotten a Marsha yet.
• 59:12
  Matt: Fuck it, Eric.
• 59:13
  Matt: It's our podcast.
• 59:14
  Matt: 10 for Jan.
• 59:15
  Matt: It's oh my god.
• 59:17
  Eric: Matt, Matt, oh my god.
• 59:19
  Eric: Matt, what have we done?
• 59:21
  Eric: Matt, you know what we did.
• 59:23
  Matt: What?
• 59:24
  Eric: We gave her 10 Marshas.
• 59:27
  Eric: We gave Jan ten Marshas.
• 59:29
  Matt: We thought we were do- you know what it was?
• 59:31
  Matt: We thought we were making we thought we were solving a problem.
• 59:33
  Matt: We made it worse.
• 59:34
  Eric: We it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy with Jan.
• 59:38
  Matt: Isn't that just the way?
• 59:39
  Eric: Isn't that just the fucking way?
• 59:40
  Matt: Should we knock her down?
• 59:41
  Matt: No, no, no.
• 59:42
  Eric: No.
• 59:43
  Eric: You know what?
• 59:44
  Eric: Here's what we do.
• 59:44
  Matt: No, because I like the I like the styling of telling Jan she's guess what, Jan, you're a perfect 10.
• 59:50
  Eric: You're a perfect 10.
• 59:51
  Eric: And you know what, Jan?
• 59:52
  Eric: You're 10 Jans out of Jan.
• 59:54
  Eric: And you know what?
• 59:55
  Eric: I have to say Jan, Jan, Jan, Jan, Jan, Jan Jan, Jan, Jan.
• 59:57
  SPEAKER_00: I say sure, Jan.
• 59:59
  SPEAKER_00: Sure Jan.
• 59:59
  SPEAKER_00: I say sure Jan.
• 1:00:01
  Eric: You know what?
• 1:00:02
  Eric: I say yes, Jan.
• 1:00:04
  Eric: I say yes.
• 1:00:05
  Eric: I say absolutely Jan.
• 1:00:07
  Matt: I say you go, Jan.
• 1:00:10
  Matt: I say yes, you Jan.
• 1:00:12
  Matt: I say yes, Jan.
• 1:00:15
  Matt: Do we think we've gotten enough mileage out of this two-word joke?
• 1:00:24
  Matt: Oh man.
• 1:00:26
  Matt: Oh God.
• 1:00:28
  Matt: So Peter.
• 1:00:29
  Matt: Peter.
• 1:00:31
  Matt: Peter.
• 1:00:32
  Matt: Uh okay, so Peter's he's the middle brady boy.
• 1:00:36
  Matt: We all could put that together by this point.
• 1:00:38
  Matt: He often thinks badly of himself, such as believing he is no personality in the episode The Personality Kid.
• 1:00:47
  Matt: He is the clumsiest of the bunch.
• 1:00:49
  Matt: He sometimes gets overexcited and acts before thinking.
• 1:00:52
  Matt: Nevertheless, he's a fun-loving boy whom girls adored later in the original series.
• 1:00:58
  Matt: Oh, yeah.
• 1:00:58
  Matt: He has a non-related look-alike named Arth Owens, also played by Christopher Knight, who is shown in the episode Two Pete's in a pod.
• 1:01:11
  Matt: Cute.
• 1:01:13
  Matt: Peter is also the only one in the family with brown eyes.
• 1:01:17
  Matt: All the others have green or blue.
• 1:01:19
  Matt: Oh.
• 1:01:20
  Matt: Doesn't that say something, Peter?
• 1:01:22
  Eric: Blonde-haired, blue-eyed.
• 1:01:25
  Matt: No, he's not.
• 1:01:26
  Matt: No, no, no, no.
• 1:01:27
  Matt: He's not.
• 1:01:27
  Matt: No, no, no.
• 1:01:28
  Eric: I'm saying for the rest of the break.
• 1:01:29
  Eric: I'm side-eyeing Carol a little bit.
• 1:01:32
  Eric: Like, when'd you get to the States, Carol?
• 1:01:35
  Matt: We might need to have a conversation about that.
• 1:01:38
  Eric: Where have you come from, Frau Brady?
• 1:01:41
  Matt: No, no, no.
• 1:01:42
  Matt: Yes, but also, Peter, you might you might want to take a 23 in me.
• 1:01:46
  Matt: That's all I'm trying to do.
• 1:01:47
  Matt: That's all I'm saying.
• 1:01:48
  Matt: You might want to take a 23andme and see what happens.
• 1:01:50
  Matt: Peter later joined the military for career guidance.
• 1:01:53
  Matt: Oh boy.
• 1:01:54
  Matt: As seen in the Brady Girls Get Married.
• 1:01:56
  Matt: In later sequels, he is an administrative assistant.
• 1:02:00
  Matt: At one point, working under his fiancee, Valerie.
• 1:02:04
  Matt: Okay.
• 1:02:05
  Matt: They later amazingly end their engagement.
• 1:02:08
  Matt: I can't believe that didn't work out.
• 1:02:10
  Matt: And still later, a business partner with Bobby.
• 1:02:13
  Matt: Peter was the only Brady Child to not have a spouse or significant other when the Brady's was cancelled.
• 1:02:20
  Eric: Damn.
• 1:02:22
  Matt: Six episodes in, I will remind you.
• 1:02:24
  Eric: Damn, Peter.
• 1:02:25
  Eric: Damn.
• 1:02:26
  Eric: I god damn.
• 1:02:27
  Eric: Yeah, there was a lot of motion in six episodes.
• 1:02:30
  Eric: Mixed bag here from this does align, I will say, with the tarot I I chose for him.
• 1:02:39
  Eric: For Peter, I give the the hanged man.
• 1:02:44
  Eric: Oh god.
• 1:02:45
  Eric: Yes.
• 1:02:46
  Eric: Usually usually depicted a man hanging upside down by one ankle.
• 1:02:52
  Eric: If I could sum it up in a phrase, well, if it isn't the consequences of my own actions.
• 1:02:57
  SPEAKER_04: My own actions.
• 1:02:57
  Eric: Yes, it is the self-defeated is the sowing the seeds of one's own demise.
• 1:03:04
  Matt: I'll say this, and I think it is worth worth saying.
• 1:03:08
  Matt: Okay.
• 1:03:09
  Matt: When looking up the Brady's and thinking about this after you proposed doing this definitive ranking, Peter was the only name I couldn't remember.
• 1:03:19
  Eric: Yes, same.
• 1:03:20
  Eric: I I had to I had to dig for Bobby and Bobby and Greg got them immediately.
• 1:03:26
  Matt: Bobby, Greg, Mike, Carol, Jan, Cindy, and Alice got them all.
• 1:03:30
  Matt: And then I was like, what's the middle boy?
• 1:03:33
  SPEAKER_04: What is what is that?
• 1:03:34
  SPEAKER_04: Who's that over there?
• 1:03:36
  Matt: And what's funny about that is if you told me, do you know who Christopher Knight is, I would have said, Oh, he's in the Brady Bunch.
• 1:03:44
  Eric: Hey, he played the dog.
• 1:03:46
  Eric: Which that's that's something we should touch on at some juncture.
• 1:03:50
  Eric: And and look, not for nothing, I I will say I was a little miffed in the one episode where he denied Christ three times.
• 1:03:59
  Matt: Hey, Eric, you've got New Testament Joe.
• 1:04:03
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:04:05
  Matt: Look at you bringing religion back into the pot.
• 1:04:10
  Eric: Here's a story about a guy from Galilee.
• 1:04:15
  Eric: That's all I think.
• 1:04:16
  Eric: What do we want to give him on the Marsha scale?
• 1:04:19
  Eric: I think he's I think I'm just gonna say it.
• 1:04:21
  Eric: It's not that he's low.
• 1:04:23
  Eric: It's he bro, he's mids.
• 1:04:25
  Eric: He puts himself low.
• 1:04:27
  Eric: He puts himself low.
• 1:04:29
  Eric: And it's not even cool enough to be like like like it I he's fucking mids.
• 1:04:34
  Eric: I think he's like four territory, five at the absolute most.
• 1:04:40
  Matt: Well, again, I see something to him.
• 1:04:42
  Matt: He's have he's clearly depressed.
• 1:04:45
  Matt: You know, I see something, I see something familiar in that.
• 1:04:49
  Matt: Uh, you know, I see something relatable in that.
• 1:04:52
  Matt: Well, of course he's depressed, he's worthless.
• 1:04:54
  Matt: Well, he's a little okay.
• 1:04:56
  Matt: He's a little lost.
• 1:04:58
  Matt: Okay.
• 1:04:59
  Matt: Piece of shit, kid.
• 1:05:01
  Matt: He joins the military, then he goes into business, but we don't know what that business is.
• 1:05:06
  Matt: Yeah.
• 1:05:07
  Matt: He's working with his paralyzed brother.
• 1:05:10
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:05:11
  Eric: Jesus Christ.
• 1:05:12
  Eric: Now I'm feeling guilty.
• 1:05:14
  Eric: I'm feeling bad.
• 1:05:16
  Eric: They don't support our troops.
• 1:05:18
  Eric: No, I like.
• 1:05:20
  Eric: Did they say what branch of the military he was in?
• 1:05:22
  Eric: Not that it matters.
• 1:05:24
  Matt: It just says the military.
• 1:05:27
  Matt: It just says the military.
• 1:05:28
  Eric: He joined on this.
• 1:05:29
  Eric: Mother, I'm going to army now.
• 1:05:32
  Matt: I'd say we give him a five and be done with him.
• 1:05:34
  Eric: Uh, he's he's he's the definition of mids.
• 1:05:37
  Eric: Give him five Marshalls, be done with him.
• 1:05:40
  Eric: Out of my sight, boy.
• 1:05:43
  Matt: Which brings us to uh what a heavy hitter on the Marsha scale.
• 1:05:50
  Matt: It's Marsha Brady, ladies and gentlemen.
• 1:05:53
  Matt: Marsha to the third power.
• 1:05:56
  Matt: Marsha is the eldest Brady daughter.
• 1:05:58
  Matt: Marsha's portrayed.
• 1:06:00
  Matt: As a beautiful, mature, and popular girl at Westdale High School, and acts as Greg's second in command for the other children.
• 1:06:10
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:06:11
  Matt: Her popularity is an ongoing source of contempt for her younger sister Jan.
• 1:06:16
  Matt: She's a great fan of Desi Arnaz and Davy Jones, both actors portraying themselves appeared in their own episodes later on.
• 1:06:25
  Matt: Despite Marcia's reputation, she has her share of problems, such as unrequited crushes, insecurity over having braces, and insecurity over receiving a swollen nose from a stray football thrown by Peter and thereby acquiring the catchphrase, oh my nose.
• 1:06:44
  unknown: Yeah.
• 1:06:45
  Matt: She has a fragile ego that sometimes goes amuck, is what it says.
• 1:06:50
  Matt: As shown in Juliet is the Sun, when after being cast as the lead female role in her productions, Romeo, her high school production of Romeo and Juliet, she becomes so hard to get along with that she's dismissed from the role.
• 1:07:09
  Matt: Now, here's the extended universe.
• 1:07:12
  Matt: In the Brady Girls Get Married, Marsha had graduated from college, became a fashion designer, and marries Wally Logan.
• 1:07:20
  Eric: Who was 20 years her senior at her other stepfather?
• 1:07:27
  unknown: Sorry.
• 1:07:28
  Matt: The principal of the high school.
• 1:07:30
  Matt: Okay, so however, by the time a very Brady Christmas aired, she was a stay-at-home mother raising two children named Jessica and Michael, or Mikey.
• 1:07:43
  Matt: She was still unemployed at the beginning of the Brady's.
• 1:07:47
  Matt: And at this point, her ego began to take such a beating she briefly turned to alcohol for sucks.
• 1:07:57
  Matt: By the end of the series, Marsha and her husband Wally, a toy salesman who was frequently out of work, joined their sisters-in-law, Nora and Tracy, to open a catering business.
• 1:08:13
  Matt: My God.
• 1:08:14
  SPEAKER_04: God, that's depressing.
• 1:08:16
  SPEAKER_04: That is six episodes.
• 1:08:18
  Matt: Six episodes.
• 1:08:21
  Matt: We are getting these names covered.
• 1:08:23
  Matt: It squeezed.
• 1:08:24
  Matt: So how long would the episodes really want to watch the Brady's?
• 1:08:28
  Matt: Oh, bro, we gotta have a watch party.
• 1:08:31
  Matt: Okay, so Marsha.
• 1:08:32
  Eric: Uh, so she seems like the most likely of the Bradies to fall for an MLM.
• 1:08:38
  Matt: Ooh, yeah.
• 1:08:39
  Matt: Yes.
• 1:08:40
  Matt: Yeah, she does, doesn't she?
• 1:08:42
  Eric: She my my beef with Marcia is all of her, and I hope you can see the massive air quotes I'm putting around the word problems, are she's not winning hard enough.
• 1:08:53
  Eric: Yes.
• 1:08:54
  Eric: Like she gets hit in the nose once and it ruins her life.
• 1:08:58
  Eric: The the card I give her is the chariot.
• 1:09:02
  Eric: Oh.
• 1:09:02
  Eric: It is the seventh major arcana.
• 1:09:05
  Eric: It uh it represents, you know, uh Providence, triumph, presumption.
• 1:09:12
  Eric: She comes in winning and falls to pieces when her triple decker Sunday doesn't have a cherry on top.
• 1:09:22
  Eric: Like, I don't I can't relate to you, kid.
• 1:09:25
  Matt: Okay, but now, Eric, look at what happens to her.
• 1:09:29
  Matt: That football didn't just break her nose, it broke her spirit, it broke something inside of her and sent her on a uh a whirlpool of of failures and and heartbreak.
• 1:09:44
  Matt: And she Eric, she's an alcoholic.
• 1:09:46
  Matt: Yeah, yeah.
• 1:09:47
  Matt: The Brady's went there in six fucking episodes.
• 1:09:54
  Matt: Because really, also, I mean, she does have a bit of a chip on her shoulder during in the original run.
• 1:10:00
  Matt: She she knows she flaunts her popularity, right?
• 1:10:05
  Matt: She is, after all, the one who gives us sure jan.
• 1:10:09
  Matt: Sure Jan.
• 1:10:10
  Eric: She's super condescending.
• 1:10:12
  Matt: Like, she like presumptuous.
• 1:10:16
  Eric: 6.5.
• 1:10:16
  Eric: 6.5.
• 1:10:18
  Eric: 6.5.
• 1:10:18
  Matt: I say 6.5.
• 1:10:20
  Matt: What say you?
• 1:10:20
  Matt: No, 6.5 is perfect.
• 1:10:23
  Matt: I I don't want to go like sub-5.
• 1:10:25
  Matt: No.
• 1:10:26
  Matt: Anything above a seven feels wrong.
• 1:10:28
  Eric: Anything above a seven, six point five, it's just high enough to piss her off, I think.
• 1:10:32
  Eric: And that feels on brand.
• 1:10:33
  Matt: You mean just low enough?
• 1:10:35
  Eric: Just low enough to piss her off.
• 1:10:36
  Matt: Yeah, I agree.
• 1:10:37
  Matt: And that's what I want.
• 1:10:38
  Matt: That's what I want for her.
• 1:10:40
  Eric: And obviously, also I hope this fictional person, you know, conquers their demons and gets the help she needs.
• 1:10:48
  Eric: Absolutely.
• 1:10:50
  Matt: Now let's talk about Greg Brady.
• 1:10:53
  Matt: He's the oldest son, he's the oldest child.
• 1:10:56
  Matt: Greg is a Westdale high school student who plays football, of course he fucking does, plays guitar, of course he does, surfs, and aspires to be a singer.
• 1:11:06
  Matt: Greg is portrayed as self-confident and brassy at times, and generally acts as the leader or spokesman for the other kids.
• 1:11:14
  Matt: Being the oldest of the Brady children, Greg is usually the one who devises their plans.
• 1:11:21
  Matt: As the series went on, Greg became somewhat of a ladies' man at school.
• 1:11:27
  Matt: Also, as the character got older, Greg attempted to disassociate himself from the younger siblings, eventually getting his own room in the attic.
• 1:11:35
  Eric: Didn't he have a name change at one point?
• 1:11:37
  Eric: He wanted to be called like his musical act, his name was Johnny Bravo.
• 1:11:42
  Eric: Indeed it was.
• 1:11:43
  Eric: Yes, we're getting there.
• 1:11:47
  Matt: Despite this, Greg always sticks up for his younger siblings and helps them out whenever he can.
• 1:11:52
  Matt: He also frequently shows ample sense of fair play, as when he refused to go along with a classmate's plan to spread a false rumor about Marcia at school.
• 1:12:01
  Matt: However, he has been known to cross the line when he believes a situation warrants it, specifically when he created a phony playbook to thwart a cheating quarterback from a rival high school.
• 1:12:13
  Matt: He has also been known to use the line something suddenly came up to break off a date without further explanation.
• 1:12:21
  Matt: Ooh, Greg, Greg, Greg.
• 1:12:24
  Matt: So he can ooh.
• 1:12:25
  Matt: So he can go out with a more desirable girl.
• 1:12:30
  Matt: Yikes.
• 1:12:31
  Matt: Greg, you're a fuckboy.
• 1:12:33
  Matt: You give love a bad name.
• 1:12:35
  Eric: And that is why I give you the card The Lovers.
• 1:12:41
  Eric: Because upright it represents attraction, love, beauty, trials overcome, but reversed.
• 1:12:46
  Eric: Failure.
• 1:12:48
  Eric: Foolish designs.
• 1:12:50
  Matt: And indeed, he does have foolish designs.
• 1:12:53
  Matt: In fact, Greg's dream of becoming a singer almost comes true when he is handpicked by record producers to be a pop star under the stage name.
• 1:13:02
  Matt: You guessed it, Eric.
• 1:13:03
  Matt: Johnny Bravo.
• 1:13:05
  Matt: A name that has a particular weight for millennials, I might say.
• 1:13:08
  Eric: Oh yes.
• 1:13:09
  Matt: However, he he he walked away from a potential lucrative deal when he found out the recordings were being electronically sweetened, and that the producers weren't more interested in the visual visual product than the substance.
• 1:13:24
  Matt: Quote, they didn't want me.
• 1:13:27
  Matt: They wanted a robot, he said about the incident.
• 1:13:31
  SPEAKER_02: Damn.
• 1:13:31
  Matt: Oh boy.
• 1:13:32
  Matt: Greg eventually became an obstetrician, as mentioned in a very brady Christmas.
• 1:13:39
  Matt: He and his wife Nora, who's a nurse, have a son named Kevin.
• 1:13:42
  Matt: Greg is the only one of the children to appear in every single episode of the original series.
• 1:13:49
  Eric: Damn.
• 1:13:49
  Eric: All right, Greg.
• 1:13:50
  Matt: Damn, Greg.
• 1:13:51
  Matt: All right.
• 1:13:51
  Matt: Longevity.
• 1:13:52
  Matt: Something's gonna be said for that.
• 1:13:53
  SPEAKER_02: All right, Greg.
• 1:13:54
  Eric: Uh, also, I I do know the actor who played him down on like sh there are episodes Barry Williams.
• 1:14:01
  Eric: Uh Barry, my man, love you.
• 1:14:05
  Eric: We can tell which episodes you were getting stoned in.
• 1:14:09
  Eric: It's great.
• 1:14:10
  Eric: Oh, it's great.
• 1:14:11
  Eric: Oh, it's a it's one of my favorite games to play when watching the Brady Bunch as an adult now.
• 1:14:15
  Matt: Like, uh, but nevertheless, nevertheless, nevertheless.
• 1:14:21
  Matt: He does become a doctor, he helps people.
• 1:14:24
  Matt: Uh, but he's a bit of a fuckboy in high school.
• 1:14:26
  Eric: He's a bit of fuck boy, and is his wife is his nurse?
• 1:14:30
  Matt: No, his wife is a nurse.
• 1:14:32
  Eric: A nurse.
• 1:14:32
  Eric: Okay.
• 1:14:33
  Eric: Not necessarily.
• 1:14:35
  Eric: What I mean is like, does she work directly with him?
• 1:14:38
  Eric: Oh, I don't know.
• 1:14:38
  Eric: That could be true.
• 1:14:39
  Eric: Yeah, I I imagine that might be the case, but also, yet again, another pattern of uh uh power imbalances and romantic relationships in the Brady universe.
• 1:14:52
  Matt: And I think there's a scene in the movie or something when Bobby gets into this race car accident.
• 1:14:59
  Matt: I really do remember this plot line.
• 1:15:01
  Matt: It stuck with me that I feel like he like checks him out as a doctor at one point and was like, oh, here's what's gonna happen.
• 1:15:11
  Matt: Which feels like, first of all, if he's an obstetrician, he shouldn't be necessarily dealing with this.
• 1:15:18
  Matt: And also, if he's just being like, Oh, I'm a doctor, let me take his vital signs.
• 1:15:23
  Matt: I'm pretty sure there's a code about doing that with your family members.
• 1:15:28
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 1:15:29
  Matt: So the regardless of what's happening there, and again, it's like a faded memory of this movie, or maybe it's for all I know, one of the six hit episodes of the Brady's.
• 1:15:41
  Matt: So um I am not sure, but Greg.
• 1:15:46
  Eric: Greg to the mind fuckboy.
• 1:15:50
  Eric: I give you ah man, he's like I honestly, honest to God, I put him at a 6.5.
• 1:15:59
  Eric: I think him and Marsha should share that space.
• 1:16:04
  Matt: You think you you put her equal to Marsha, not above or below.
• 1:16:09
  Matt: Well, what do you think?
• 1:16:10
  Matt: I think before reading in detail his biography with you, I would have actually said something along the lines of above Marsha.
• 1:16:21
  Eric: Okay.
• 1:16:22
  Matt: But now I'm kind of feeling below Marsha.
• 1:16:26
  Eric: He got that fuckboy bell curve working against him.
• 1:16:29
  Matt: He does have the fuckboy bell curve working against him.
• 1:16:32
  Matt: And I think we have to, if we're weighting the grade, I think we have to give the heavier weight to the show.
• 1:16:40
  Eric: Yes.
• 1:16:41
  Eric: Yes, yes, yes, yes.
• 1:16:42
  Eric: I I the the Brady's is is nice for consideration.
• 1:16:47
  Eric: It's definitely opened my eyes to a lot of things, but the weight should go to the show.
• 1:16:52
  Matt: I say a six.
• 1:16:55
  Matt: So he's just below Marsha.
• 1:16:58
  Eric: Just below Marsha.
• 1:17:00
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:17:01
  Eric: Yeah, no, I agree with that.
• 1:17:02
  Matt: All right.
• 1:17:03
  Matt: All right.
• 1:17:03
  Matt: Well, then that means we're on to the parents.
• 1:17:07
  Matt: We have Carol, uh, formerly known as Carol Ann Martin and Carol Ann Tyler.
• 1:17:15
  Matt: At the beginning of the pilot, her last name is Martin from her first marriage, during which she had three daughters.
• 1:17:20
  Matt: She gains three stepsons when she marries Mike Brady.
• 1:17:23
  Matt: We know all this.
• 1:17:24
  Matt: Carol enjoys singing in the church choir and with her daughter Marsha in the high school Family Frolic Talent Show.
• 1:17:31
  Matt: Yep.
• 1:17:32
  Matt: In the episode A Fistful of Reasons, in which Cindy is bullied because of her lisp, Carol confesses that she too overcame a lisp while growing up in Swampscott, Massachusetts.
• 1:17:45
  Matt: And listen, anyone from Massachusetts, I'm sure I fucked that up.
• 1:17:48
  Matt: I know you guys love your pronunciations.
• 1:17:50
  Matt: Don't at me.
• 1:17:51
  Eric: Back off us, massholes.
• 1:17:53
  Eric: I was taught that by a New Hampshire friend.
• 1:17:56
  Eric: Live free or die.
• 1:17:57
  Matt: Her parents, Henry or and Mrs.
• 1:17:59
  Matt: Tyler, of course, Mrs.
• 1:18:01
  Matt: Tyler doesn't get a first name, are depicted only in the pilot episode The Honeymoon.
• 1:18:05
  Matt: And her maternal grandmother, Connie Hutchins, also played by Florence Henderson, appears in You're Never Too Old.
• 1:18:13
  Matt: She has an unseen brother, Jack, a sister-in-law, Pauline.
• 1:18:16
  Matt: During the original Brady Bunch series, she's a stay-at-home mom.
• 1:18:19
  Matt: In the sequels, she becomes a real estate agent, converting her old boys, the boys' old room into her home office.
• 1:18:27
  Matt: How Carol's previous marriage ended.
• 1:18:31
  Eric: That is what I've been wondering the whole fucking time.
• 1:18:35
  Matt: Is not mentioned.
• 1:18:38
  Eric: Damn, okay.
• 1:18:40
  Eric: Because I know originally they wanted her to be a divorcee.
• 1:18:43
  Matt: Yes, well, exactly.
• 1:18:44
  Matt: Creator and executive producer Sherwood Schwartz had originally intended for Carol to be a divorce, but ABC refused to allow the fate of her first marriage to be revealed on the show.
• 1:18:55
  Matt: Sherwood Schwartz later wished to use her divorce at to his advantage and wanted to use Carol's previous husband as a mechanism to replace Robert Reed on the show, should the show enter its sixth season.
• 1:19:09
  Matt: But the show was canceled before Schwartz could execute his plan.
• 1:19:13
  Matt: Damn.
• 1:19:14
  Matt: In 2009, Carol's included in Yahoo's top ten TV moms from six decades of television from the time period of 69 to 74.
• 1:19:23
  Matt: She was also listed in the top five classic TV moms from film.com.
• 1:19:28
  Eric: Eric, what do the tarot cards say?
• 1:19:31
  Eric: Oh, for for for Milady Brady.
• 1:19:34
  Eric: Yeah, very good.
• 1:19:35
  Eric: To thee, to thee, Carol, to thee.
• 1:19:38
  SPEAKER_04: I give the world.
• 1:19:41
  SPEAKER_04: Oh.
• 1:19:42
  SPEAKER_04: Zawardo.
• 1:19:45
  SPEAKER_04: Assured success.
• 1:19:47
  SPEAKER_04: Recompense.
• 1:19:48
  SPEAKER_04: Voyage.
• 1:19:51
  Eric: Change of place.
• 1:19:53
  Eric: She is the one who moved.
• 1:19:56
  Eric: She she is like, in unless I'm completely missing the mark here, they all moved into Mike Brady's house.
• 1:20:03
  Matt: Yes.
• 1:20:04
  Eric: She like her and her girls had the big like the changes were the biggest and the hardest, I'm imagining, on Carol and the girls.
• 1:20:13
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 1:20:14
  Eric: So yeah, like she she she's in that like that that idea of transience, of void, of like of like changing, like it's so hard because they I love the Brady Bunch because it was one of the first depictions of a blended family on television.
• 1:20:29
  Eric: The first depiction of a husband and wife sharing the same bed on television.
• 1:20:34
  Matt: It was quite progressive as a TV show.
• 1:20:37
  Eric: Very progressive.
• 1:20:38
  Eric: Carol to me, like always fucking ruled.
• 1:20:42
  Eric: Like, I I never if any if either of the parents was was like Florence fucking Henderson.
• 1:20:47
  Eric: It's Florence fucking movies.
• 1:20:49
  Eric: It's Shelly Long.
• 1:20:51
  Eric: And in the movies, Florence fucking Henderson makes a cameo as grandma Brady.
• 1:20:56
  Eric: Yes.
• 1:20:57
  Eric: Yeah, fucking Carol rocks.
• 1:20:59
  Eric: Carol, like she she she out here.
• 1:21:02
  Matt: Yeah, I'm down with Carol for sure.
• 1:21:04
  Eric: Oh, I'm down with Carol.
• 1:21:05
  Eric: Carol.
• 1:21:06
  Eric: And let's and Matt, I you know, I don't mean to be be crass, but Carol Brady can get it.
• 1:21:12
  Eric: Carol, Carol, Carol Brady is is a smoke show.
• 1:21:15
  Eric: It's Florence Henderson.
• 1:21:16
  Eric: It's Florence Henderson.
• 1:21:17
  Eric: Shelly Long.
• 1:21:18
  Eric: Shelly Long, like Carol can get it.
• 1:21:21
  Eric: Carol as an entity across multiple canons gets it.
• 1:21:26
  Matt: And we have to talk about a certain X factor.
• 1:21:30
  Matt: And that X factor is did Carol Brady kill her husband?
• 1:21:37
  Eric: We're all thinking it.
• 1:21:39
  Eric: We're all thinking.
• 1:21:40
  Eric: We're all thinking it.
• 1:21:40
  Eric: And Matt, if I can just also state what we're also all thinking, if she did, fucker probably deserved it.
• 1:21:48
  Matt: Absolutely deserved it.
• 1:21:50
  Matt: 100%.
• 1:21:51
  Matt: She's yeah.
• 1:21:52
  Matt: If she did kill her husband, and we don't know that she did.
• 1:21:57
  Eric: And we're not saying she did, but we all say she did.
• 1:22:01
  Matt: But let's just imagine for a second, what if that?
• 1:22:04
  Matt: I'm just gonna assume, based on what I know firsthand about Carol Brady and my upbringing, she must have had a good reason.
• 1:22:12
  Eric: She must have had a good reason.
• 1:22:14
  Matt: I think he was an abusive piece of shit, Eric.
• 1:22:17
  Eric: I think I think he was a piece of shit.
• 1:22:20
  Eric: I think he was garbage.
• 1:22:23
  Matt: I think he didn't he I think he did these four women dirty.
• 1:22:29
  Eric: I think he did them so fucking dirty.
• 1:22:32
  Eric: And got what's coming to him.
• 1:22:34
  Eric: And we're not saying that's what happened.
• 1:22:36
  Eric: We're not saying that happened.
• 1:22:38
  Eric: We have no evidence.
• 1:22:53
  Matt: We're not saying that maybe a note was written and then he drove off a cliff.
• 1:22:59
  Eric: We're not saying that.
• 1:23:02
  Eric: We're not saying that Cindy has a propensity for snitching because she saw her own mother murder her father in cold blood and was sworn to secrecy, so she acts out by snitching on everything she can talk about.
• 1:23:16
  Eric: We're not saying that.
• 1:23:18
  Eric: No one's saying any of that.
• 1:23:21
  Matt: But if we were, but if we were, but if we were, he deserved it.
• 1:23:27
  Matt: But he deserved it.
• 1:23:28
  Matt: He deserved it.
• 1:23:29
  Matt: And in that light, she'd be a hero.
• 1:23:32
  Matt: Eric, I think she gets pretty high rating in my mind.
• 1:23:34
  Eric: You know, I I'd say I'd go 9-5.
• 1:23:38
  Eric: I was thinking 9-5, Eric.
• 1:23:40
  Eric: A 9-5.
• 1:23:41
  Eric: The the 0.5 shaved off probably for the murder.
• 1:23:44
  Eric: Yeah, we gotta do a bit for the murder.
• 1:23:47
  Eric: We just gotta like take a hair off if it happened.
• 1:23:50
  Eric: If if it happened, we're not seeing it.
• 1:23:52
  Matt: Eric, I think there is something to be said.
• 1:23:55
  Matt: And we said a lot of things that we weren't saying.
• 1:23:58
  Matt: But there is something to be said for the fact that we have to consider that as an option, don't we?
• 1:24:04
  Matt: We do.
• 1:24:05
  Matt: She killed her husband.
• 1:24:06
  Eric: We do.
• 1:24:06
  Eric: We have to.
• 1:24:07
  Eric: We don't know she.
• 1:24:08
  Eric: We don't know she didn't.
• 1:24:10
  Eric: Matt, we're just saying, you know, keep an open mind.
• 1:24:15
  Matt: And you probably won't end up like her fucking husband.
• 1:24:18
  Matt: So that brings us to her new husband, Mike Brady.
• 1:24:21
  Matt: Mike.
• 1:24:22
  Matt: Mike Brady, Robert Reed, or Gary fucking Cole in the movies.
• 1:24:27
  Matt: His full name is Michael Thomas Brady.
• 1:24:29
  Matt: He's a widowed architect, brought three sons to the marriage with Carol Martin, became the stepfather of her three daughters.
• 1:24:34
  Matt: He was named Father of the Year by a local newspaper after Marsha submitted an essay in his honor.
• 1:24:40
  Matt: That was very nice of you, Marsha.
• 1:24:42
  Matt: The character's parents were sometimes mentioned, but never seen.
• 1:24:46
  Matt: Mike had a firm personal integrity.
• 1:24:49
  Matt: For example, he refuses to participate in a commercial if it means saying that an inferior product is the best, coupled with a strong sense of ethics.
• 1:24:58
  Matt: He enjoyed fishing and camping.
• 1:25:00
  Matt: The writers imply that Mike Brady is a very highly qualified and well-respected architect.
• 1:25:06
  Matt: His quote unquote failures tended to be successes.
• 1:25:10
  Matt: For instance, in a very Brady Christmas, contractor Ted Roberts fires Mike when he refuses to cut corners and take important safety provisions.
• 1:25:20
  Matt: Mike, however, is later proven right when the structure begins to crumble, trapping two security guards, and later Mike himself inside.
• 1:25:28
  Matt: My God.
• 1:25:42
  Matt: Both Gene Hackman and J Jeffrey Hunter were considered for the role of Mike Brady.
• 1:25:47
  Matt: How about that?
• 1:25:48
  Matt: Okay.
• 1:25:48
  Matt: Hackman was Schwartz's first choice.
• 1:25:51
  Matt: I bet he was.
• 1:25:52
  Eric: Yeah.
• 1:25:53
  Eric: Gene Hackman's a lot of people's first choices.
• 1:25:57
  Matt: In 2004, TV Guide ranked Mike Brady number 14 on its 50 greatest TV dads of all time.
• 1:26:05
  Eric: Mike, and and I would be remiss if I didn't point out we can address the elephant in the room.
• 1:26:11
  Eric: Mike Brady got the drip.
• 1:26:15
  Eric: Mike's Mike's sense of fashion.
• 1:26:18
  Eric: Oh, yeah.
• 1:26:18
  Eric: Fuck it.
• 1:26:19
  Eric: Mike Mike Brady can get it.
• 1:26:21
  Eric: Mike Brady can absolutely get it.
• 1:26:22
  Matt: Mike Brady can get it.
• 1:26:23
  Matt: And Mike also is the like archetypal good dad.
• 1:26:30
  Eric: Yes.
• 1:26:31
  Eric: Always believe like he he would never give a punishment without explaining why the kids had done something wrong and why it was a problem and like why we don't do things like that.
• 1:26:44
  Matt: And beyond but beyond that, he's not only a good dad, he's a good stepdad.
• 1:26:52
  Eric: He's like never treats he's and and this is also true for Carol.
• 1:26:57
  Eric: Neither play this was like this was like such a wonderful depiction of a blended family because they were like, All right, we're just a family.
• 1:27:05
  Eric: I often forgot that they weren't, you know, you know what I mean?
• 1:27:08
  Eric: Like that the kids weren't just all Mike and Carol's.
• 1:27:12
  Eric: I I would often forget that they can they were a blended family.
• 1:27:16
  Eric: And I think it's beautiful because they were like, look, we're a blend blended family.
• 1:27:19
  Eric: The show's not gonna be about us overcoming like mutual hatred of each other.
• 1:27:23
  Eric: It we're we're just a family.
• 1:27:25
  Eric: This is just a thing that a family can be, and I think that's beautiful.
• 1:27:28
  Eric: What did you give him on the tarot cards?
• 1:27:31
  Eric: On the tarot, I gave Michael the Emperor.
• 1:27:36
  Eric: Oh my god.
• 1:27:38
  Eric: Yes, the Emperor sits atop a stark, barren mountain, a sign of sterility of regulation and unyielding power.
• 1:27:46
  Eric: He knows what is right and what is wrong, and he has the power to dictate what they are.
• 1:27:52
  Matt: You gave that to the make the the the man of the family, huh?
• 1:27:56
  Matt: The patriarch.
• 1:27:57
  Eric: Man, I gave Carol Brady the world.
• 1:28:00
  Eric: Oh, you're right.
• 1:28:00
  Eric: You did.
• 1:28:01
  Eric: Yeah, let's let's be it it trust me, it would have it was tempting.
• 1:28:05
  Eric: Oh, the emperor, the empress.
• 1:28:07
  Eric: No, no.
• 1:28:07
  Matt: With that in mind, Eric, the Marsha scale.
• 1:28:11
  Eric: On the Marsha scale, honest to God, like I'm I'm trying to think of a downside to Mike Brady.
• 1:28:18
  Matt: It's it's true.
• 1:28:20
  Matt: He's just a wholesome looking dad, you know?
• 1:28:24
  Matt: Like, yeah.
• 1:28:25
  Matt: Okay, so I think his closest comparison has to be Carol, right?
• 1:28:30
  Eric: Yes, I imagine they are very, very, very close to each other.
• 1:28:34
  Matt: In some respects, I think their function as characters are sort of, and this probably goes without saying, but a little bit of two halves of the same two sides of the same coin.
• 1:28:46
  Matt: Absolutely.
• 1:28:47
  Eric: They comp they build each other up, they complement each other, they keep each other.
• 1:28:52
  Eric: So are we thinking also a nine-five?
• 1:28:55
  Eric: I think they almost have, I think they have to have the same.
• 1:28:58
  Eric: Because nine-five for Mike, because you know, you're part of a unit, you're a team.
• 1:29:01
  Eric: Your better half is what makes you a 10, but on your own, you're a nine-five.
• 1:29:05
  Eric: And on Carol's side, she's a nine-five because of the murder.
• 1:29:09
  Matt: The the possibility, the implication of a murder.
• 1:29:16
  Matt: Well, those are the Brady bunch, my friend.
• 1:29:19
  Matt: And so, is there anyone you want to revisit, Eric?
• 1:29:23
  Eric: No, I feel very good about these.
• 1:29:25
  Matt: I also feel very good about it.
• 1:29:27
  Matt: So let's go down at the bottom of the scale at a lowly 3.5.
• 1:29:34
  Matt: Cindy.
• 1:29:35
  Matt: Next we have Peter with a five.
• 1:29:40
  Matt: The magician.
• 1:29:41
  Matt: Greg is a six.
• 1:29:43
  Matt: Marsha, six point five, Bobby, seven point five, and then we make a major jump to the top tier.
• 1:29:51
  Matt: And they are almost all adults.
• 1:29:54
  Matt: Alice, nine.
• 1:29:56
  Matt: The one to beat, and three people did it.
• 1:29:58
  Matt: Carol with a nine point five, Mike with a nine point five, and with a perfect ten.
• 1:30:06
  SPEAKER_04: Standing atop the mountain of bodies that is her family.
• 1:30:13
  SPEAKER_04: It's Jan.
• 1:30:14
  Matt: It's Jan.
• 1:30:15
  Eric: It was always Jan.
• 1:30:16
  Matt: It's Jan.
• 1:30:17
  Matt: Did it, Jan?
• 1:30:18
  Matt: Jan! You are the best of the bunch.
• 1:30:22
  Matt: Oh.
• 1:30:25
  Matt: Come on.
• 1:30:27
  Matt: What a what an episode.
• 1:30:29
  Matt: Fucking justice.
• 1:30:31
  Matt: Uh, so I think we're gonna go ahead and skip our closing segment today.
• 1:30:34
  Matt: Yes.
• 1:30:35
  Matt: So, Eric, is there anything you want to say or do while we uh are here?
• 1:30:39
  Matt: Give them the business.
• 1:30:40
  Matt: Business as usual.
• 1:30:42
  Matt: We need your questions, folks.
• 1:30:44
  Matt: We need your questions, your local legends, your neighborhood watch stories, whatever you want to give us, whatever you want us to definitively rank, give it to us and we'll do it.
• 1:30:54
  Matt: And you can do it a number of ways.
• 1:30:56
  Matt: That you didn't ask for this, gmail.com, that's all spelled out, or you didn't ask pod.
• 1:31:01
  Matt: That's the letter you didn't ask pod on Instagram, Twitter.
• 1:31:06
  Matt: I'm still calling it Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, uh, threads, whatever.
• 1:31:11
  Matt: It's all the same handle.
• 1:31:12
  Matt: Check us out.
• 1:31:13
  Matt: And of course, you can call and leave us a voicemail on the thought line at 410-929-532 fucking nine.
• 1:31:24
  Matt: I think that's the business.
• 1:31:26
  Matt: That's the business, baby.
• 1:31:27
  Matt: So for all of us here, Eric, I think that'll about do it for this episode of You Didn't Ask for This.
• 1:31:34
  Matt: And my name is Matshe.
• 1:31:36
  Eric: My name is Eric Poach.
• 1:31:38
  Matt: And please, listen, you didn't ask.
• 1:31:40
  Eric: But what happened to the dog, Carol?
• 1:31:43
  Eric: What happened to the dog?
• 1:31:44
  Eric: What happened to Tiger?
• 1:31:46
  Eric: He has a name.
• 1:31:47
  Matt: Tell me about Tiger, Carol.
• 1:31:49
  Eric: He was in the first season, he was in the second season, but then he just vanished.
• 1:31:54
  Matt: What did you do to him?
• 1:31:56
  Eric: His house is still out back.
• 1:31:57
  Eric: It's not like he was written off.
• 1:31:59
  Eric: He still exists in this universe.
• 1:32:01
  Eric: What happened to the dog, Carol?
• 1:32:04
  Eric: What did he see?
• 1:32:06
  Matt: What did he see?
• 1:32:07
  Matt: What does he know?
• 1:32:08
  Matt: I got a Brady Hunch.
• 1:32:11
  Matt: There it is.
• 1:32:12
  Matt: There it is.
• 1:32:13
  Matt: He's got a Brady Hunch.
• 1:32:15
  Matt: Fucking poet, man.