Latest / Through the Sh#t with Jen McDowell / Sue Eyres | Life and Death Sh#t
Transcript
- speaker-0: And one day, this was before I was on the list, he says to the doctor, So what happens if she doesn't get a liver? And the doctor looks at me, looks at my brother, and I said, Just say it. And she goes, We're gonna make her as comfortable as we can. Well. And my brother said, Sue, you know she just said you're gonna die. I said, Brad, I'm not gonna die. I will not die. speaker-1: Yeah. Welcome, I'm Jen McDowell, and you're listening to Through the Shit, a podcast for anyone going through the shit and the people who love them. And every episode we'll hear a new story of loss, hope, and resilience, and how going through the shit led to something greater. So if you're in the shit now and feeling lost or alone, disconnected from your badass self, or in need of an ember of hope to keep putting one foot in front of the other, you're in the right place. So settle in, prepare to be moved and inspired, and welcome. To the shit. Welcome everybody. You're listening to Through the Shit, a podcast for anyone going through the shit and the people who love them. I'm your host, Jen McDowell, and today I'm joined by Susan Ayers. ⁓ Susan and I met a couple of months ago. We have a mutual connection in common, ⁓ whom we both think very highly of. And when I was telling that connection, ⁓ this idea that I had for the podcast. and kind of what I was hoping to accomplish and that I needed people to s come in and guess. You know, this mutual friend of ours said, ⁓ have I got someone for you who has a story to tell. So that's how I met Susan. And I'm so glad to have you here today with me. speaker-0: Thank you so much for having me. speaker-1: Yeah, absolutely. Okay. So ⁓ Susan's gonna tell us a story about a years long health challenge that she ⁓ went through that ultimately helped her see the beauty that's out there in the world and demonstrated to her the importance of meaningful connection. And so I can't wait to hear about that. So I think you are my r retired guest, you're my first retired guest. ⁓ you were a second and third grade teacher for more than twenty-five years, or about twenty-five years, I think. Yes, okay. ⁓ you're currently married with two boys, ages 24 and 25, and we're the loves of your life. ⁓ you are ⁓ very much in a space and and time where you are ⁓ loving the time that you spend with your family and friends. You are a big party planner. I feel like I want to come to one of your parties. music lover, love dancing, love spending time with your friends, going on trips with your friends. You're into camping and adventure and you're living in Southern California right now. So and most importantly, you're an inspiring author. So anyone out there who might be listening and thinking, ooh, there's a story here and want to help Susan with her book, reach out. So yeah. So welcome, Susan. Here we are. Susan, you know, the podcast listeners at this point in time have kind of heard me talk about what through going through the shit means for me. And so as we get started, I would love for you to tell me what that speaker-0: Thank you. speaker-1: means for you and your particular story. Don't go into the story yet. Just kind of tell me if there's anything else that's out there when you think of through the shit. speaker-0: Through the shit means one day you're great, everything's wonderful, and literally the next day you're almost dead. Almost dead, had to go through four years of hell and trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Nobody could figure it out. The top specialists could not figure it out across America. I mean, we went we searched out for other doctors to look at my ⁓ records, nobody could figure it out. So Very scary. You're scared to death. You don't know if you're gonna be alive or dead the next moment and nobody can help you and nobody knows what's going on. So that was okay. speaker-1: So we're talking life or death here, folks, and no experts, no medical experts in the country have any clue what's going on. So with that, I'm I'm on the edge of my seat. Susan, you ready to tell me your sh speaker-0: Shit. I'm ready to tell you my shit. So it was twenty twenty, January sixteenth, twenty twenty. I woke up on the couch. I had worked at school. I love my little cute little second and third graders and they're just so huggy and sweet. But they had noticed for a couple weeks, Mrs. Ayers, are you doing okay? You're coughing all the time. Even the littles could figure that out. So, but I thought I was fine. I was just going about my business teaching school. And I came home one day and I was just tired. I laid on the couch and I woke up to my son screaming at me, Mommy, mommy, are you okay? What's going on? He couldn't wake me up. I didn't know who I was. I had urinated all over myself. Something was wrong. So by that night, I had already been in three different hospitals trying to figure out what was wrong with me. They did determine, and this is true, that it was influenza A. ⁓ I had 104. I had already gone into sepsis and they didn't think I was gonna make it through the night and I could not breathe. That was the main the key to this story is I could not breathe for years. So ⁓ they finally got me into the hospital and they got me on IVs, they tried to give me some medicines, and but it was January 2020, so all of a sudden, sitting in the hospital dying, and I see Nurses wouldn't come near me anymore. ⁓ the doors would be closed and I would beg for them to be open because I was scared and I wanted to see what was going on. They had to close all the doors and they were installing hand sanitizers. Then they're coming in with masks, then they're coming in with shields. So this is January. COVID hadn't really hit yet. So I was in there for three days and my oxygen kept dropping. But one day they came in and they said, We have to get you out of here. Something's happening in this hospital. We don't know what's going on. And if you don't leave, you're gonna die. You as sick as you are, you're the healthiest person here. So they had to send me home dying and not still no help really. So they did send me home and I had visiting nurses and therapist and pulmonologist and at home. But so basically what was happening is COVID was happening and I saw it unfolding. So that was the start of everything. But they just sent me home and they said, okay, your oxygen should get better. It was just the flu. But just slowly but surely my oxygen just kept dropping and dropping and nobody could figure it out. speaker-1: And I know from what you've told me about your story that it went on for a while while you you continued to not feel well, not get better, not not have any sort of idea what was happening. And so how long did that last? And what was the thing that finally started to kind of get you on the path to getting an answer? speaker-0: So I couldn't go back to work, which I loved my work. It was 25 years of best friends, cute kids. I literally was there and never got to go back again. So when that was happening, I was just realizing that what is happening? Like how am I gonna live my life? And so basically it was that started in January. Everybody started looking into what was wrong. My principal actually said, Susan, I think there's a program. That we the doctors across America, the top doctors, will look at your records and they will tell you what's going on. But so we sent all the records to them. This was actually September. So January through September, my oxygen just kept dropping and I was pretty much on the couch, which is a terrible thing to even have to compare it to. So but finally September, I had a doctor. They would just had all kinds of doctors looking at me. A liver doctor said I think it's your liver. And I didn't care for this doctor much. And I told her she was crazy. Cause why would the liver make it so I couldn't breathe? So September, October hit the doctors across America, all the Google, seriously, Google, my friends were looking at Google like crazy. Doctors from three different facilities finally started saying, It's your liver. And so there's this rare syndrome. UCSD, which is a huge teaching school in San Diego, I'm sorry, hospital, couldn't figure it out. They'd seen it five times in their whole careers. And some of the doctors had never seen it before. So they finally said, We think it's this syndrome called heppapatopulmonary syndrome, HPS, that your liver creates a protein that does not allow any oxygenation into your lungs. The weird part, because of course the doctors were always checking my lungs and then they thought it was COVID, so they're checking my lungs. My lungs were perfect. It was all the veins and varices outside of my lungs that had dilated. And so that created a ps a whole problem where I couldn't get any oxygenation. So like your oxygen's 99 or a hundred, mine used to be ninety-nine or a hundred. It was dropping to eighties, seventies, and the doctors start getting scared for regular people under eighty-nine, eighty-four. But I was going in the sixties and the seventies, once in a while in the eighties. And that was just from sitting down. That was no activity. So finally everybody found it out. So that was October. And then all the procedures start because they said the only cure is a liver transplant. It's just some random thing. We don't know if it's genetic. We don't know where it's coming from. The flu could have kicked it in, they said, but you would probably have always had it and it was dormant and it was just a time bomb waiting to happen, basically. speaker-1: Tell us a little bit more about how long it took you then from that diagnosis to the waiting for the transplant. speaker-0: Major di denial. I said no way. And I was in a rehab that had a pulmonary rehab. So they had to try to get me strong enough to be able to survive this surgery. So but the procedures, I swear it was a hundred F and procedures to t get ready to get on the list. So and then COVID messed that up. You couldn't just get into a doctor's office. You had to schedule way ahead of time. So it took from October to April before I could get on the list for a transplant because of the procedures. So, but it took ⁓ hundred procedures and probably six months before I could get on the list. And I'll tell you, I had missed a couple of livers. And for some reason I don't know why they told me that, because they're like, Susan, shoot, if you would have been on the list you could have had this liver, but because they were my friends. So these doctors now were my friends. But my husband, my mom, my kids, my brother, they took me to every appointment. They picked me up. They my brothers sat in these appointments. Some of these appointments with the liver doctors were five hours. And my brother would sit there and listen. So my husband would drop me off. My brother would meet us. He'd listen to everything. He'd come report everything. And one day, this was before I was on the list, he says to the doctor, So what happens if she doesn't get a liver? And the doctor looks at me, looks at my brother, and I said, Just say it. And she goes, We're gonna make her as comfortable as we can. Well And my brother said, Sue, you know she just said you're gonna die. I said, Brad, I'm not gonna die. I will not die. So that was a pivotal moment. So I got on the list in April. speaker-1: Yeah, fast forward. Tell me tell me when you get that phone call. speaker-0: So, and that's the other thing. It's like you're pregnant. ⁓ my God, you have to wait by the phone. You have to accept every phone call because think about it, COVID's going on. People are calling from home. So it's not gonna show up UCSD. It's gonna show some random number. So you have to pick up every phone call. Your bags have to be packed. You can't be going out. Well, I couldn't go out anyway, but you can't drive be too far away. So we were 20 minutes from the hospital. I had ⁓ completely atrophied. I was in a ⁓ wheelchair. My husband had to build me a shower outside because we couldn't go I couldn't go upstairs. So my mom and my friend and my boys, they put me in the shower every day. I had my husband in the middle of this had had so shoulder surgery and he met this amazing therapist. He would come over three times a week. And he would massage me and just manipulate me so I could move. He'd stretch me. So and he was like a life coach. He had had cancer and gone through that. So he ⁓ unintentionally became my life coach and we became just best buddies. And so ⁓ one day I'm out back and this is another thing at that rehab that I went to for pulmonary. My therapist ended up being my neighbor. She was around the corner from me. And so She was very close to me too. So I get this phone call and randomly my husband's there, my kids are there, my ⁓ therap my ⁓ sports medicine guy, Chris, is there and I get the phone call and they say and it was I love everybody, but it was the one nurse that I didn't care for. She's like, Hi, ⁓ we got a liver for you. And I'm like, ⁓ you I can't explain what that feels like. You'd think you'd be excited. But this whole time I was in denial. I'm thinking, I don't need a liver. I so she says to me, she says, ⁓ you have three minutes. I'm sorry, three seconds to decide. And she goes, but it's not that healthy of a liver. And I said, I don't want an unhealthy liver. And so she goes, I'm gonna have the doctor call you. And so the doctor calls me and says, Susan, we have a liver. It's not in the best health, but it's a good liver. And I said, But I'm gonna die. If I go, I'm gonna die. That's all I thought about. That surgery's gonna kill me. She goes, Susan, I saw you two days ago. If you don't go, you're dead in two days. So I said, Okay, I'll take it. And Chris and Eric and the boys and everybody's just like, You have to take it, Mom. You have to take it. This is what we've been waiting for. So, but it's scary, I'll tell you. So I called my therapist, pulmonary therapist, the breathing therapist that lived around the corner, and she came running over. She had to teach me how to breathe again because I was so scared. My mom came over and I was just, I couldn't breathe and I was not doing well, just getting ready to go over there. But so I said to my f Kathleen, my therapist, I said, Kathleen, take a picture before we go. Take a picture of us. And she's like, get in the fucking car. You have 20 minutes to get there. They tell you you have 20 minutes to get there because you don't know how long it's gonna you're gonna survive, how long the liver's gonna survive. So April I got the I got on the list in April. I got the liver July. July. speaker-1: Okay. So this is, you know, a year and a half at this point. Yes. From the time where you fell ill and your kids were shaking you trying to wake you up. Okay. So let's fast forward a little bit more. Tell us now. How how are you? I mean, you've been through the six years speaker-0: And I do want to say something that I I during all of that, my friends and family helped me survive. Jen, the one that you know, the wonderful Jen, and you know how into music she is, right? So she would come over every other day. So my husband had made me a living room in the garage because I couldn't be inside. I mean, I just couldn't stand it anymore. So I had a living room in the garage so I could see outside and neighbors would walk by and wave and talk to me from afar because it's COVID. They can't be near me. But Jen would come over in her car with music blaring Journey, don't stop believing is my song. And she would come up to the driveway with the boom box and she would air guitar and sing. And she and I, and when you can't breathe, you can't talk per se. I am trying to sing at the top of my lungs with her, you know, and my other friends would walk by and I'd hear Journey playing in the background. And ⁓ it was just amazing. So when I was in the hospital, my brother went to a journey cover band concert. which I love concerts. And he told the security guard about my story. So in the hospital, I get this video from my brother of them saying, This song goes out to Susan who's never stopped believing. And so they song for me. So the nurses in the hospital, ⁓ my God, they would play it all the time. The first day I walked, I was walking around intensive care with that song blaring. And this doctor comes running out of the one of the rooms and he starts dancing with me. It was just so music is life for me. It's just beauty. It's breath. It's everything. I mean, they told you you could breathe off the table. You could never breathe. You could breathe in two months. We don't know. We've never seen it. We don't know how long it's gonna take. I got a thousand times worse. My breathing would go to fifty nine. The nurses was thirty nine. How are you breathing? How are you alive? So, ⁓ when I got home, I it was a lot. speaker-1: Yeah. speaker-0: And we had I almost didn't come home. They told me you're probably never going home because you have to get to a certain level on your breathing machines that home can ⁓ help you with. Otherwise you're never going home. So I finally got and I had nurses and they would come in and they turn my oxygen down a little to wean you off a little bit. So I started slowly but surely getting better, but October of twenty-one, I I went in a rejection. So I'm still not breathing at all. I'm finally feeling a little better. It was kind of weird. I felt a little better. And they called and said, You're in a rejection, Susan. And immediately think you need a brand new liver that day. They just give you more medicine. But for three months we didn't know if I was gonna live, but I didn't tell a soul. I didn't tell a soul. I couldn't put my friends and family through that away again. I just couldn't. So and I do have to say, in between all that, my dad died. And two weeks later, my son was diagnosed with type one diabetes. And I'm a maybe a little helicopter of a mom. And to not be able to navigate that with my n how old was he? Nineteen, twenty year old was really hard for me. So, but we got through it. You know, my dad died, and the next day my mom threw me a birthday party because they had been planning it for me. And ⁓ My dad would have killed us if we canceled that party. So we had a drive by birthday party. So so but now I'm great. I'm awesome. I got through the rejection. I was able to walk up the stairs finally for first time in three years, take a shower, connected to oxygen though. And I started slowly but surely getting to see friends from afar because COVID had closed down, but it would still have to be twenty feet apart. There was restaurants that would know if I was gonna come in and they'd reserve all the tables around me so that I could be in a restaurant without people around me. So it's just the beauty of people and what they'll do and what they'll do for you and how to make you feel better and just do anything. I mean my school sent meals and money and friends and neighbors would just buy me clothes and it was incredible the things that people would do. So The doctors would call me on a Saturday and they'd say, Hey Susan, we were golfing today. There was three of us and we were all talking about you and we're so excited. They like they would jump for joy when they would see me because I would walk time I'd walk in with no oxygen and I'd actually be walking. I literally had a doctor do a cartwheel in his office because it was just a struggle, but it was a struggle for all of us. We all went through. And the caregivers. Caregivers are amazing. They had her job for three weeks, came down and lived with us and took care of me 'cause she was a nurse. speaker-1: Well, thank you for telling that story. I'm I'm glad to hear that you have made that fork in the road and you are starting to feel better and are able to go back to enjoying the things that bring you joy in the in the world. You know, you said something as you were kind of telling me your story that I wanted to go back to because you said like even up until the moment where you got the phone call, like you've got twenty minutes to get to the hospital, you were kind of in denial. So at what point did you kind of realize I'm in the shit? Going back to what you said of like this is life or death and no one can help me? Like, when did you realize that's what was happening? It wasn't when it was when you when you got the call, when was it? speaker-0: No, it wasn't necessarily when I got it was definitely when they couldn't figure out what was happening to me and that one doctor told me it was my liver and I said she's crazy and then we all decided it was. But when UCSD tells you they don't see this very often and they weren't sure, I mean that was a big deal 'cause in San Diego that's a big hospital. You know that you can get cured there. And when she told me they'll make me comfortable and my brother said, You know that means you're gonna die That pretty much threw the shit right there. You know? But I still I sat in my I have a beautiful backyard. I'd sit in my my family room and I'd look in the backyard and I'm like, there's my blue skies and white puffy clouds, which I think is the title to my book, because I just would look at those blue skies and white puffy clouds and I'm like, I know there's life. I know I'm gonna be okay. And I have too many people and It is a weird moment. You have these caregivers, your husband, your mom, your brother, your kids, friends. And I when I found out I had that rejection, I'm like, I'm gonna let all these people down. It was at Thanksgiving time when I found that out. And everybody under the sun's texting me. We're so thankful for you because you're alive and you're doing great. And I'm sitting there with that feeling of, I'm gonna die. I'm gonna need another liver. I'm in a rejection. And all these people are happy. And all these people that brought me joy, I'm gonna let every one of them down because I'm gonna die. And that Christmas, when I took pictures, I took my oxygen out of my nose because I wanted my boys to see their moms last Christmas without oxygen. So I was I was in the shit a long time. And everybody around me was in the shit a long time. You know? So speaker-1: That seems like it might have been a very lonely experience because you're carrying the weight of this very heavy thing. You know you alone know the possibilities apart from your doctor. So what motivated you to keep going? Because earlier there was a point where you told your brother, I think, I am not gonna die. And so here you are, you know, a year or six months later holding the secret. What speaker-0: That's true. I mean, I felt like I was just dying every day for all that time, to be perfectly honest. It was a constant death. ⁓ my my friends and my family, but that I'm not kidding. I mean, they kept me alive. They didn't let me go. They just they would just bring me things. They'd play songs for me. That we went to that actually that band. When I first got better, I told them, Hey, you're playing nearby, but I can't see you because I texted them because I had seen them before. And I said, But I just wanted to tell you thank you so much for what you did. And you sang that song and dedicated that song. And they said, Hey, Susan, we're playing close by and you can't be around everybody, but you know what? Come to our sound check. We're gonna play that song for you in person. I mean, things like that. That's just real life and that's just kindness and that's just beauty. And that people will do that for somebody is just beautiful. So I mean, I just never I still didn't think I was I mean, I knew I was dying, but I just wasn't gonna let it happen. Not gonna let it happen. And I don't know how I didn't let it happen after everything, you know? You're right, because pe my brother, he was constantly like, How are you not so sad? speaker-1: Southern. speaker-0: I I w I was of course scared and I was sad for watching my family go through all this and my poor dad. ⁓ my god, I didn't want to let him down before he passed away. Like I'd go over there, which was very rare that I could, but I'd go over there and take my oxygen off because I didn't want him to worry about me because he wasn't doing well. You know, so just people and family and the world, the beauty. speaker-1: what's standing out to me is it it is the small moment of kindness. Just that that you saw from everyone. I think it's also kind of amazing that you are in this very populated area and yet there was this small y it still felt very small because the therapist was a neighbor and then someone else came over and might like even in the midst of of the bigness, there was a sort of intimacy to it that is really remarkable. But the other thing that strikes me kind of is this idea of creativity. I mean, there was so much creativity in trying to create an experience for you. You talked about all of these creative ways that people support to you. And so I'd love I'd love for you to comment on that. speaker-0: Grab Okay, so something I learned that I think everybody needs to learn. If someone said, Can we do something for you? I'd say yes. And then I would come up with what they could do. And I just want everybody to know that. Because like my everybody says, What can I do for you? I'm here for you. But you have to take them up on it because otherwise you're caregivers. Like I someone would say, Hey, I'm going to Costco. I'm like, Can you do my grocery shopping for me? Because otherwise My mom has to go do it. And she's eighty, nine, whatever she was you know, at that point in time. S your caregivers can't do it all. They can't. And if you can get more than one caregiver, that's awesome. Take the brunt off of them. Because I do have to say I have a major guilt. My boys were nineteen eighteen and nineteen, nineteen and twenty. And they lived at home. They took care of me when my caregivers I was trying to give caregivers a break. So being a teacher, you are pretty organized. So I would make sure it's like, ⁓ you can't be here for eight hours. I'm gonna split your time up, you know, you're coming for four, you're coming for four, Carson and Logan will be in the middle and my husband will be in the morning at night. And so you have to get creative with that and think of the caregivers too, because caregiving's a lot. speaker-1: You said something that I think is really interesting is that, you know, this experience you went through was not just your experience. There were all of these people around you who also had their own needs and support. And so, you know, these types of experiences can be really isolating and can drive people apart. And so what do you think was the ingredient to being able to support one another and to hold one another? Because you all needed to receive care and you all needed to give care during this period. So what do you think kind of was the glue that held you all together? speaker-0: I think you have to understand that everybody's shit matters. Okay. I'll never forget my friend Corey. ⁓ one day sh her and Melissa drove walked by and they started playing Journey. But one day she calls me and she's complaining about the line at Home Depot. She was going on and on and on. And then she goes, ⁓ my God, Sue, I'm so sorry. You're sitting here fighting for your life, and I'm bitching about Home Depot. And I'm like, Corey. Today, I mean you're taking care of your mom. You have stuff going on. That was hard for you today. It's your shit. It's okay. So everybody's shit matters. It really does. I I would always have people say, I'm so sorry, my problems aren't what yours are. And but that's okay. Everybody's problems matter. They do. No matter how small they are, you know? So I don't know. I just think you have to have compassion for others. And even if you're sick. Everybody else is still going through stuff. speaker-1: So one, we've talked a little bit about the things that, you know, buoyed you and kept you going during this period of time. Now that you are, you know, a couple of years removed from the surgery at this point, how do you see this experience propelling you forward or bringing you benefits maybe that you didn't anticipate? speaker-0: I've always been outgoing. I've always been ⁓ athletic a l a little. My boys wouldn't say that. But I've I've changed. I'm more independent. And this is good and bad. It's hard for family members to see a change like this because they cared for you. So ⁓ very independent. Wanna do what I want to do when I want to do it. I want to have fun, which I always did. I guess I I didn't get to do I still had believe it or not, I still had fun when I was dying. I did. But not like I used to. I couldn't have my parties or whatever. But and I still haven't started having parties again. But I'm out there, I'm doing my trips. I'm I've flown to Seattle. I went to Chicago. I my friend has lived Monica, she's lived abroad forever. I mean, I didn't even go see her in Germany before I was sick because I didn't want to fly. So I went and saw her in Chicago before she moves with another friend Rocky. And so I'm traveling now. I'm started golfing. I mean, people were blown away. I put that on Facebook a year ago and people are like, What? They couldn't believe I'm sitting here golfing. Love golfing. ⁓ my boys would go with me and Carson would say, Hey, mom, or Logan would say, Hey, mom, give me your bag. I'll carry it. I'm like, No, I got it. I got it. So I'm much more independent. And I'm very grateful. Ver I but I do feel that A lot of friends are saying, Yay, we have the old Sioux back. So I'm back to me, but I think times a hundred has that. Much more active. Much more active. speaker-1: Yeah, so you've got this newfound append independence that allows you to not quit the small stuff. You're having fun, you're traveling, you're taking on new things that you never thought for yourself. Yes. And sometimes you're doing the you're feeling the fear and doing it anyway. You're getting on that plane and you're living your life. So you talked about some of these beautiful lessons. The kindness of people, ⁓ stran kindness of strangers, kindness of friends and loved ones. ⁓ you were able to navigate speaker-0: Yeah. speaker-1: you know, having fun while you were dying, you know, humor, really learning to listen to yourself. Are there any other lessons that you feel like are worth sharing at this point? speaker-0: Doctors and nurses are angels. I mean, they were in it during COVID and they were taking care of me and holding my hand and coming in to visit me. And I'll never forget coming out of the surgery. You know, you have a tube down your throat, but you don't realize that you're gonna have this tube and you can't talk. And I could hear all these doctors and nurses talking about like their kids and their pets, and I'm thinking, I have kids, I have pets, and I want to tell you, but I'm dying and I'm laying there right out of surgery. But you know what? They would literally come and they'd sit there and they'd hold my hand. They would hold my hand or they'd rub my face. And this one, I call her a kid, bless her heart. She's a doctor, but she's so young. She's at this learning hospital. And she's sh she walked in when I had that tube and she had a pen and a pad of paper. And I'm like looking at her like I'm like, you give me that pen and that paper because I want to say something. So I wrote on their tube and out and you could barely even write. But so she became like my best friend. I mean, she would come in and visit me and my mom, hang out with us. And she's like, Sue, when I took your liver out of your body, and I'm thinking, My friend's the one that took it out of my body. She goes, and then I put your liver in your body. She goes, It was just like this miracle. So she would come around and she would talk to me and she goes, Hey, Susan, when I moved into a new room. She's like, look over there. That's my house. That's my apartment. So from my room, I could see Heidi's apartment. And she would walk the bridge at night and she'd flash her cell phone. So I could see her. And I'm thinking, these guys are so busy saving other people's lives, but I mattered. You know? So these are important people in our lives. And there's so many just loving people and beautiful people. So I know it's hard nowadays in our country, but I choose not to look at that. I don't even watch the news, whether I'm digging my head in the sand or whatever. I'm just focusing on what's beautiful and what's right and what's important. I don't sweat like you said, I don't sweat the small stuff. speaker-1: Use to see the beauty. Susan, you know, it seems like you have had this really amazing network of people who have been by your side through this process from start to finish. I'm curious, beyond what we've already talked about, are there any other sort of special moments that really stand out to you as part of this experience? speaker-0: There is my friend Patty. Once my friend Kathy left after the three weeks of really twenty-four hours of work, aside from my family and my friends, Patty, my friend Patty, who I've known for twenty five years, really stepped up. She would be there every single day. She would help shower me. She would feed me tuna every day because that's what I was craving. And she would help with the boys and help with the dogs. She was just a godsend. So her and then another special friend Michelle from my school that I worked at. She would call me every day because we were partners at work and I was missing working so bad. And she would call me every day and fill me on and what was going on at work, tell me all the fun gossip that you know, who was getting married, who was having babies. And then what was really special is she'd take me, quote unquote, to the grocery store with her and she'd shop with me because one thing I really missed was grocery shopping. So we would shop to just all the friends and all the family that helped. I just Love ⁓ all and they were such a great help to me. speaker-1: Yeah, that's really lovely. And you know, the idea of having sort of that connection back to your workplace, I imagine was pretty important because as you described the story, you kind of went full stop. You were at work one day and then the next day you weren't and you were done. ⁓ and so being able to have that connection and continuity, I imagine was really important for you to feel normal through this process. speaker-0: That's it's a lot. It's a lot to leave a job that you love so much. You've been there for twenty five years. Those people become your best friends. It's your worth, it's your income. When you have to retire early, you lose a lot of money and that was hard for us to adjust to too. So I wasn't working for so long and then to have to finally say at the end of all of those years, I'm going to retire and I have to retire early, that was shocking and devastating. I mean it's really taken a toll on me because that's that's your identity, especially as a teacher. I mean, you get so much love from so many people and you get your hugs from your kiddos and you know you're teaching people and you're molding these students and you're laughing and crying with your coworkers and it's a big deal to lose your your career. So that's still a hard adjustment. I love being retired. I'm finally to that point where I'm thinking Hey, I can just actually this is so funny. I saw a former student today and he said, Mrs. Annish, you're retired. I'm so happy for you and I said, ⁓ honey, but I miss everything. You know, I miss the job. I miss the kids and he says, But you're retired and I had to think, Yeah, I'm retired. I'm sitting here at the beach at a restaurant at twelve o'clock in the afternoon during the week. So I'm not at school. I'm enjoying my family. And I was with my today. So that that's a wonderful thing. Yeah. So retirement's an awesome reward for this. How's that? speaker-1: ⁓ I way to turn ⁓ lemons into lemonade. Thank you. So I f feel like that's a great segue to our last question here, Sue. Okay. What would you say to someone who's going through the shit now? speaker-0: Thank you. ⁓ please. count on your friends. Count on your family. I I my heart bleeds for people that don't have my support system. I know that this is very special. I d I'm sorry, I just like to picture my best friend. She passed away during this. As I was recovering, I just saw it sitting in my office. But ⁓ she went through shit too. But we had each other, you know, just having somebody. But reaching out is the most important because I know people that don't reach out or don't ask for help and you just have to ask for it. They they wanna help. I think in general people are just good people and they wanna help. So find somebody if it if it's a doctor or a nurse, confide in them because someone's gonna reach out and help you. That's the most important thing. speaker-1: Reach out and say yes when the help is offered. speaker-0: And not just say yes, tell them what you need. Tell them what you need. Because seriously, like if they say, Hey, I'm at Ralph's, say, Great, can you get this, this, and this? Don't just say, Hey, can you get me a coffee or whatever? Tell them what you need. That's the biggest important part. Because it's gonna save your caregivers. That's a big deal too. Caregivers are important. So speaker-1: Well Sue, I've enjoyed being here with you today and hearing your story of going through the shit and coming out on the other side. Thanks. Thanks so much for being here. And ⁓ listeners, thanks for listening, and we'll catch you on the flip side. speaker-0: Thank you. speaker-1: That's it for this episode of Through the Shit. Thanks for listening. If you liked this podcast, like, share, and subscribe, and maybe send it to someone who needs a boost because they're going through the shit. While you're at it, tell them how important they are to you. If you have a story of shit to share or you're in the shit now, I'd love to hear from you. Email me at through the shitpodcast at gmail.com or go to our website at throughthe shit.com. I'll see you on the flip side.