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Why Parenting Adult Kids Is Still Hard · Create The Best Me

• 0:00
  How many of you out there think that parenting gets easier as your children get older?
• 0:08
  I used to think that once my kids became adults, parenting would become so much easier, but in reality, it's not easier, it just changes.
• 0:18
  As many of you may know, I have two adult children who are incredibly independent children or adult children, and I'm so proud of both of them.
• 0:28
  And I'm not saying this because I'm their mom.
• 0:31
  I really am not.
• 0:33
  And I really am proud of both of them.
• 0:35
  First of all, to protect the identity of the adult child I'm speaking about today, I will not address them by their sex.
• 0:43
  So earlier in October, I received an emergency text from my child's spouse who informed me that my child was gravely sick.
• 0:53
  My child was actually admitted to ICU and was intubated and placed on a ventilator.
• 0:59
  So I did what any mother would do and get on any available flight to get there.
• 1:06
  I will be honest with you, before boarding the plane, I experienced multiple panic attacks because I feared the worst.
• 1:13
  Fortunately, once I arrived, their condition positively changed and they were removed off the ventilator.
• 1:20
  But after traveling several hours two layovers, my adult child refused to speak to me.
• 1:27
  And the reason it's not clear, but I insisted on waiting several hours and two and a half days in the ICU waiting room.
• 1:38
  My child's spouse felt very uncomfortable and sad because they called me in distress to come.
• 1:46
  The second night, I prayed and I separated myself from my feelings, allowing myself to see things from my adult child's perspective.
• 1:59
  I know what you're probably thinking: how can I see things from another's perspective when I have no idea what the root cause of those feelings are?
• 2:08
  I know what you're probably thinking: But what I discovered is that those feelings were real and they belonged to my adult child.
• 2:15
  I know what you're probably thinking: When I saw things from my child's perspective, I started to cry.
• 2:20
  I know what you're probably thinking: But those tears weren't only mine.
• 2:23
  I know what you're probably thinking: They were my child's tears.
• 2:26
  I know what you're probably thinking: I felt lonely, scared, powerless because those feelings weren't mine.
• 2:32
  I know what you're probably thinking: They belonged to my child.
• 2:34
  I know what you're probably thinking: When I began to realize that the emotions I was feeling was theirs, I felt lonely, scared and powerless.
• 2:44
  I know what you're probably thinking: Because those feelings weren't really mine, they belonged to my child.
• 2:49
  I know what you're probably thinking: I also learned that as a parent of an adult child, I needed to find my own place By understanding my place, I understood that I as a parent, am not supposed to try to fix this problem.
• 3:06
  I know what you're probably thinking: If I forced and pushed my way through ignoring that my child's feelings and thoughts are genuine and that, their feelings matter, regardless of what I or anyone else believes, they are valid.
• 3:21
  I know what you're probably thinking: I could potentially lose my child forever.
• 3:26
  I know what you're probably thinking: When our children are younger, we tend to fix their problems or guide them in finding solution, but as our children grow older, in my opinion, we shouldn't try to fix their problems.
• 3:38
  I know what you're probably thinking: Instead, we should be there when they need our advice.
• 3:43
  I know what you're probably thinking: Parenting my adult children has been the most challenging role for me because I've made my fair share of mistakes and want to spare my adult children from experiencing the pains and struggles I endured.
• 3:58
  I know what you're probably thinking: However, I also appreciate the learning and the growth I experienced, which have shaped me into the woman I am today.
• 4:07
  I know what you're probably thinking: So no matter how much it hurts me to watch them struggle or face their own challenges, I understand that they are becoming stronger adults.
• 4:18
  I know what you're probably thinking: And maybe at first they may not appreciate me standing on their sideline, but I'm confident they know I'm actually cheering them on for their strength and perseverance.
• 4:31
  I know what you're probably thinking: There have been times when one of my adult children have found themselves in a very overwhelming situation and has reached out for help.
• 4:40
  I know what you're probably thinking: The funny part is that that child apologized to me for reaching out.
• 4:46
  I know what you're probably thinking: I told my child, there is no need to apologize, things happen and I'm always here for you.
• 4:53
  I know what you're probably thinking: And yes, I'm talking about my son.
• 4:55
  I know what you're probably thinking: He said, I know, but I remember growing up, you never had anyone to help you, you managed to figure it out.
• 5:03
  I know what you're probably thinking: And I said, that's okay, son, as long as you have me, I'm always here for you and both of your sisters.
• 5:11
  I know what you're probably thinking: So going back to flying out several hours to see my adult child, their spouse told me that they had a long conversation with my adult child and reminded them that they had contacted me to fly out because they needed support during this uncertain time, and that not speaking to me was unacceptable.
• 5:33
  I know what you're probably thinking: I then reminded the spouse that you called me, and I showed up, like I said, I always would.
• 5:41
  I know what you're probably thinking: I am here for you and my adult child and you are here for me, and that is all that matters.
• 5:48
  I know what you're probably thinking: What is important right now isn't about what is acceptable or what we think should happen.
• 5:55
  I know what you're probably thinking: It's about my adult child and their spouse's health.
• 6:00
  I know what you're probably thinking: We need to set aside our thoughts and feelings about what we believe is right or what should happen right now, and recognize that there is a reason for my adult's child's feelings and thoughts.
• 6:14
  I know what you're probably thinking: We should acknowledge what they are experiencing and support them exactly where they are, regardless of how we feel or my feelings.
• 6:24
  I know what you're probably thinking: And when the time is right my adult child will talk about what happened, but we cannot push them to accept our beliefs because we have not walked in their shoes or live their life from their perspective.
• 6:40
  I know what you're probably thinking: You cannot force someone to find healing when they're not ready.
• 6:45
  I know what you're probably thinking: My in-law began to tear up and said, well, what about you?
• 6:50
  I know what you're probably thinking: I said, again, it's not about me or my feelings.
• 6:54
  I know what you're probably thinking: It's about coming together, showing our loved one through our actions, that we respect them and we are here for them by giving them space.
• 7:06
  I know what you're probably thinking: Since my child's health was moving in the right direction and the hospital had planned to discharge them, I told my in-law that I would be flying home so that my adult child could rest comfortably in their own home.
• 7:21
  I know what you're probably thinking: That night, I wrote a four page letter to my adult child, apologizing for some of the things I felt I should have done better while raising them both as a single mom and for where I believe my focus should have been.
• 7:38
  I know what you're probably thinking: After all, everyone makes mistakes, especially when it comes to raising children.
• 7:44
  I know what you're probably thinking: But in that letter, I reminded my child that if I had a chance to do it all over again, the only thing I would have done differently, were the things I identified in my letter.
• 7:57
  I know what you're probably thinking: But not marrying the wrong man because marrying the wrong man had given me the greatest gifts, two beautiful children.
• 8:06
  I know what you're probably thinking: The good news is that my adult child is home and is doing well.
• 8:10
  I know what you're probably thinking: The bad news is that I had to put my own feelings on the back burner and focus on my child's feelings.
• 8:17
  I know what you're probably thinking: I've learned that parenting adult children isn't easy, and it also comes with its fair share of challenges.
• 8:26
  I know what you're probably thinking: Just because I'm the parent doesn't mean that I'm right and that my child's feelings should be dismissed or disregarded because I said so.
• 8:37
  I know what you're probably thinking: And I know to some of you you might have a different point of view and that's okay.
• 8:42
  I know what you're probably thinking: I'm focused on maintaining or having a long-term relationship with my children.
• 8:49
  I know what you're probably thinking: I want all my children to know they can always come to me to talk about anything, even when the topic may be me and my parenting.
• 9:01
  I know what you're probably thinking: If we maintain a non-judgmental open line of communication with our children, regardless of their age, they will feel comfortable discussing their thoughts and feelings.
• 9:13
  I know what you're probably thinking: And if your child is not ready to talk, always remind them that you love them through texts or emails, and keep your arms open wide to accept them just as you would for lost prodigal child.
• 9:28
  I know what you're probably thinking: So now it's your turn.
• 9:30
  I know what you're probably thinking: How do you maintain a healthy relationship with your adult children or child?
• 9:35
  I know what you're probably thinking: What are some of the challenges you've encounter?
• 9:39
  I know what you're probably thinking: I really would love to hear them.
• 9:41
  I know what you're probably thinking: If you want to learn more about today's topic, you can find additional information at createthebestme.com/ep142.
• 9:52
  I know what you're probably thinking: I hope this episode is helpful for some of you who are wondering why parenting hasn't gotten easier as your adult children get older.
• 10:00
  I know what you're probably thinking: Thank you for spending this time with me and remember, you are beautiful, strong, and capable of creating the best adult parenting relationship one step at a time.
• 10:13
  I know what you're probably thinking: Thank you for watching.
• 10:14
  I know what you're probably thinking: Catch you next week.
• 10:16
  I know what you're probably thinking: Bye for now.