Latest / Marriage Life and More and Bible Study / Love That Serves and Forgives (Marriage as a Mission) Pt 1 - 331

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Love That Serves and Forgives (Marriage as a Mission) Pt 1 - 331 · Marriage Life and More and Bible Study

• 0:08
  This week we're diving into something every couple experiences, but not every couple talks about honestly.
• 0:14
  The moments when daily life rubs up against your expectations and suddenly love feels a little less effortless than it did on day one.
• 0:21
  You know what I mean?
• 0:22
  Those times when a simple conversation somehow turns into a full-blown debate?
• 0:26
  Or when you're wondering how the same person who once gave you butterflies now gives you side eyes over how you folded the tails.
• 0:33
  Yeah, we're going there today.
• 0:35
  But here's the good news.
• 0:37
  Those moments aren't signs that something is broken.
• 0:39
  They're opportunities for something deeper to be built.
• 0:42
  This week's episode is all about learning how to respond in ways that reflect Christ, even when it's inconvenient, uncomfortable, or just plain hard.
• 0:50
  We're talking about what it looks like to move past scorekeeping, to choose humility over pride, and to build something lasting right in the middle of real life.
• 1:00
  So whether you're in a great season or currently negotiating over whose turn it is to vacuum the floors, this conversation is going to meet you right where you are and hopefully leave you stronger, more unified, and maybe even laughing a little along the way.
• 1:21
  Welcome to Marriage Life and More.
• 1:23
  This is a podcast about marriage, Bible and book studies, and sometimes interview people that have inspiring stories.
• 1:28
  I'm Daniel Moore, your host, and up here next to me is my beautiful co-host, my wife Michelle.
• 1:32
  Hey, hey.
• 1:33
  Thank you guys for joining us this week.
• 1:35
  If not familiar with our show, check out our website at www.marriagelifeandmore.com.
• 1:40
  Our links to our platforms are there, YouTube and Rumble links.
• 1:43
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• 1:46
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• 1:49
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• 1:54
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• 1:56
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• 1:58
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• 2:00
  And we'd be thankful to you for doing that.
• 2:04
  Well, this week we are getting into episode six, I believe it is, of our our study on marriage as a mission.
• 2:11
  So we're moving right along.
• 2:12
  And we're going to start out with part one this week.
• 2:15
  And don't forget that if you'd like to get a copy of this book that we are going through right now, you can visit our website.
• 2:20
  We have a resources page there.
• 2:22
  And you can pick that book up or the sixth session study guide that also goes with it.
• 2:27
  All of those are available on Amazon, and they're also available anywhere else that you can get your books online.
• 2:33
  Well, this week we're going to get into something that's a little difficult sometimes for even us as individuals, let alone us as couples.
• 2:43
  And that's where sometimes we have to love each other and we have to serve each other, and we have to have true forgiveness between each other.
• 2:51
  And then, of course, we have to accept that forgiveness when that time comes around.
• 2:55
  And we know that off and on in marriages we come up against this.
• 2:58
  It's just part of life.
• 3:00
  So this week we're going to go ahead and get started with part one of episode six, Love That Serves and Forgives.
• 3:25
  Marriage at its core isn't just a contract you sign or a partnership you manage.
• 3:32
  It's a covenant you live.
• 3:34
  And not just any covenant, but one shaped by any kind of love that serves, sacrifices, and forgives again and again.
• 3:43
  In a culture that often treats relationships like transactions, what am I getting out of this?
• 3:49
  Biblical marriage gently but firmly calls us higher.
• 3:54
  It invites us into a love that isn't driven by convenience or emotion, but by commitment and Christ-like character.
• 4:03
  Because let's be honest, feelings are great until they're not.
• 4:07
  One day you're holding hands in a grocery store, the next you silently debating whether your spouse really needs to load the dishwasher like that.
• 4:16
  That's where real love steps in.
• 4:19
  Not the kind that fades when things get hard, but the kind described in 1 Corinthians 13, 4 through 7.
• 4:27
  Patient, kind, not self-seeking, keeping no record of wrongs.
• 4:33
  This kind of love doesn't just feel something, it chooses something every single day.
• 4:40
  Real love in marriage isn't proven in the highlight moments, it's revealed in the hard ones.
• 4:47
  This is the heartbeat of a thriving marriage.
• 4:50
  Learning to serve one another in love, and no, serving your spouse doesn't mean becoming a doormat.
• 4:56
  It means becoming like Christ.
• 4:59
  Scripture tells us in Galatians 5 13 to serve one another humbly in love.
• 5:05
  That's not passive, that's powerful.
• 5:09
  It's waking up and asking, How can I make their day lighter?
• 5:14
  It's choosing patience in a tense moment, kindness in a disagreement, and humility when you really want to be right.
• 5:23
  Because if we're being honest, marriage gives you plenty of opportunities to be right.
• 5:28
  But it also gives you even more opportunities to be loving.
• 5:33
  As we get started here into this week's episode, uh the a statement that you made earlier up there as you were starting off here with the intro of this, is it's it's basically in a culture that often treats relationships like transactions.
• 5:47
  And I think that, you know, it's real easy today, I think, to see if you if you hang around a couple any certain amount of time, a lot of times you can kind of tell if they have a transactional-based relationship.
• 6:01
  It's like I deserve this and I deserve that, you get this or whatever, and it's they want it to be equal, and there's kind of a a tug of war going on, and and a lot of times in situations like that.
• 6:15
  And, you know, there's a time even in our marriage, you know, back at the very beginning, where I think there were times that, you know, some even between us, we kind of felt shafted sometimes, you know, between the two of us.
• 6:27
  And but that's not what really being married is all about.
• 6:32
  And we've talked about this before.
• 6:33
  I think the last episode especially we talked a little bit about roles in marriage and what the husband and wife, what their role is.
• 6:41
  And we tried to put out there uh the best we possibly could that this isn't a competition.
• 6:46
  Right.
• 6:46
  This isn't something that uh is is transactional.
• 6:50
  Love, love and when you have a love inside of your heart for somebody, um, you don't really, and like you were saying, you don't keep score.
• 6:58
  Right.
• 6:58
  It's it's not it's not a game that we're playing and trying to keep the even side to each each each equation, you know, on both sides of the the coin there.
• 7:08
  That's not what this is all about.
• 7:11
  And I you know, the statement there, real love and marriage isn't proven in the highlight moments, it's revealed in the hard ones.
• 7:17
  I mean, that really comes home with I'm sure with a lot of people, it comes home with us.
• 7:23
  Uh, you know, we don't have highlight moments all the time.
• 7:27
  And we talk of we talk about getting on social media and especially, you know, Instagram and some of those social medias that are kind of like that, where people's always putting their highlight reels, basically.
• 7:40
  And a lot of people, although it's probably not intentional, they get jealous of some of that stuff because everything looks like it's going so wonderful for that person, but we know there's a lot of hard moments in those marriages also.
• 7:55
  It's not just a life full of highlight reels.
• 7:58
  Right.
• 7:58
  And I know with you and I, I think that the two of us can safely say that where we are today, I think, is birthed from all of those hard moments that we went through and all those deep valleys that we came up out of.
• 8:16
  Um I I hate the things that we've been through, but as we've stated before, and you've heard other people say this as well, the lessons that were learned as we came out of that, we wouldn't trade that's right today.
• 8:29
  Yeah.
• 8:29
  Because And I think that's a hundred percent right.
• 8:32
  Everything that we've been through is the reason why we're at and God.
• 8:35
  I mean, obviously He's brought us through it and has built a better relationship, but we've also learned so much.
• 8:41
  Yeah.
• 8:42
  And of course, without God, we probably wouldn't have came out of a lot of those low areas.
• 8:47
  And I know, you know, sometimes people can climb out of those places on their own without God.
• 8:52
  We know there's a lot of uh couples out there that don't really have a walk with God, and they successfully sometimes move past their differences and they come out of those dark valleys.
• 9:04
  But I think when when I look at it from a biblical couple standpoint, we have so much more to gain when we keep God in the middle of that.
• 9:12
  And I think that the lessons that we learn sustain longer.
• 9:16
  I think when when God's in the middle of helping us fix our mess and we understand what the two of us mean to each other and how God looks at us and our relationship and our marriage, I think it helps us to sustain uh that marriage and those lessons that we learn, we take them more to heart.
• 9:34
  Yeah.
• 9:34
  I think when we keep God in the middle of that.
• 9:37
  And so I think what I want to say as we get started is if you're going through a hard season right now, don't give up.
• 9:43
  You know, Michelle and I, if if we would have given up because we were having a bad moment and we had some pretty dark bad moments.
• 9:50
  Well, it's just a years.
• 9:52
  Yeah, years, you're right.
• 9:53
  It wasn't just moments, it was years.
• 9:55
  I guess we need to extend that out, don't we?
• 9:58
  And just be real.
• 10:00
  Yeah, you know.
• 10:01
  And when you look at it that way, when you look back and realize it was years, sometimes you think, man, how did we come out of that?
• 10:07
  You know?
• 10:08
  Honestly, I I thank God all the time for that because I do look back where we once were.
• 10:14
  Yeah.
• 10:15
  Because you know, the truth of it is, is when we get in these arguments and these fights and these bad moments between each other, because we know a lot of it's communication a lot of times.
• 10:24
  That's that's a really huge issue with couples.
• 10:27
  You know, you can win the argument and still lose connection.
• 10:30
  You know, serving love chooses connection.
• 10:34
  So right alongside service sits forgiveness, the quiet, steady force that keeps love from breaking down under the weight of offense.
• 10:42
  Because no matter how strong your marriage is, two imperfect people living together will eventually step on each other's toes.
• 10:48
  And sometimes we do that repeatedly.
• 10:50
  We don't stop.
• 10:51
  And sometimes in the same exact argument that you thought was already resolved last week, is how many times do we go back to that same fight and that same argument over and over and over?
• 11:01
  Forgiveness is what keeps those moments from turning into walls.
• 11:05
  Colossians 3 13 says, Bear with each other and forgive one another.
• 11:08
  Forgive us the Lord forgave you.
• 11:10
  And that's a very high calling, that's a really high bar that's been set for us as couples.
• 11:15
  And sometimes it's hard for couples to to reach that point where they can really truly forgive.
• 11:22
  And, you know, and it's not not to forgive when we feel like they deserve it.
• 11:27
  It's and it's not to forgive when they apologize per uh perfectly, but we need to forgive as Christ forgave us.
• 11:34
  And how did Christ forgive us?
• 11:36
  He forgave us fully, he doesn't hold on to any of that often, he did it freely, he didn't expect nothing back in return from us, and he's not keeping score.
• 11:47
  Wow.
• 11:48
  And you know, when you look at it that way, you know, how many times do we see couples mad at each other because the other spouse done something and has never apologized, you know?
• 11:59
  And they say that they don't hold on to it, but then that you're in a conversation, and next thing you know, they're starting they get a little smart elic about it, and they start bringing it back up all over again.
• 12:09
  And you know, I think we've learned that if we say that we forgive each other for something, those topics usually don't come back up later.
• 12:16
  No.
• 12:16
  We we make sure to the best that we can, if it's truly forgiven and you know, we we've truly re accepted the forgiveness towards each other, uh, more times than not, that stays behind us and we don't bring that back up anymore.
• 12:29
  And I think some couples need to realize too, um if you forgive someone, you know, you gotta think about it.
• 12:36
  You're not always gonna agree.
• 12:37
  Right.
• 12:38
  So if you're not always gonna agree, what we've done in the past is we agree to disagree.
• 12:46
  And even though I may not agree with you and I think my way is the right way, I still forgive you and move on.
• 12:53
  And I'm sure you still forgive me for not choosing what you think is right, you know, and but we don't bring it back up.
• 12:59
  Right.
• 13:00
  Because we've agreed to disagree, and I think a lot of times people need to realize if you're gonna do that, make sure the forgiveness is there and that it's not brought up.
• 13:10
  Yeah.
• 13:11
  And it's not really truly accepting forgiveness if you can't move past it.
• 13:17
  Right.
• 13:17
  And I think a lot of times we lose that in translation.
• 13:20
  Yep.
• 13:21
  And it might make us feel good in the moment because yes, we might even look at it like, okay, well, we won that fight because we got the apology.
• 13:28
  You know, we we pushed and pushed until we got it.
• 13:32
  Well, I mean, that's okay to an extent because yes, you probably did get the apology and hopefully it was sincere, but was that the right attitude, you know, to try to get to that point where that forgiveness and that apology was given and how it was accepted?
• 13:46
  Because I think a lot of times if we come into it in a sarcastic manner, trying to get an apology and then offer forgiveness, uh, a lot of times we may end up going right back to it later because we still are maybe beholding just a little bit of offense.
• 13:59
  There might still be a little bit of that wall still there because we've not truly just given it to Christ, first of all.
• 14:06
  And then we haven't given the true uh release to our spouse to say, okay, we're done with this, let's move on.
• 14:14
  And that can really cause a lot of problems when that happens.
• 14:17
  Why don't you go ahead and share the next point there?
• 14:22
  Forgiveness doesn't say it didn't hurt, it says it won't have the final say.
• 14:28
  And here's the truth: we all have to come back to this kind of love, this serving, forgiving, grace-filled love.
• 14:36
  It isn't something we can sustain on a willpower alone.
• 14:41
  If it were, we'd all have perfect marriages by now.
• 14:44
  The reality is this love flows from something deeper.
• 14:48
  It flows from Christ Himself.
• 14:50
  Look in look at this example in Philippians 2, 5 through 8.
• 14:55
  He humbled himself, he served, he gave, he forgave, even from the cross.
• 15:02
  That's just not biblical, that's our model.
• 15:05
  Marriage becomes something powerful when it stops being about performance and starts being about surrender.
• 15:11
  And I like that statement.
• 15:12
  Forgiveness doesn't say it didn't hurt because I think sometimes when a spouse can really fall into that rut where, okay, you know, I'll offer you forgiveness, but it's not really a hundred percent.
• 15:28
  You know, because um whenever we whenever we offer that uh forgiveness to that person, sometimes we have to do that through our pain.
• 15:38
  Just like the the example there of Jesus, he was literally hanging on that cross with nails in his feet and his hands.
• 15:44
  He had been whipped with a kind of thorns on his head.
• 15:47
  He was in that state when he forgave that thief beside him on the cross.
• 15:54
  At that moment, it could have been so easy to just say, No, this has been done to me.
• 16:00
  I deserve better than this.
• 16:02
  I am not going to give you forgiveness for what you've done.
• 16:06
  And if we're gonna truly be Christ-like in our marriage, then we have to sometimes forgive in those hard moments when we're still hurting.
• 16:15
  We still have things going on inside of us that we just don't quite understand.
• 16:19
  And that's a really hard place.
• 16:20
  I was gonna say it's not easy.
• 16:22
  That is super hard.
• 16:23
  Not easy.
• 16:24
  And and and then to be able to move on past that, and if it's a true forgiveness, you put it behind you.
• 16:30
  And then you start working on those hurts between each other and start trying to grow again together and to resolve each other's trust again and to build up that love again that you had before all of that stuff happened.
• 16:42
  And as you're talking about that, I think about, you know, the hard road that they're walking and the forgiveness is there.
• 16:48
  Um, our pastor said on Sunday to write those things down because you can go back to those and see what the Lord has done.
• 16:55
  Yes.
• 16:56
  And, you know, you think about that.
• 16:58
  And if you write those things down, because you know, there's a lot of times ourselves we can't forgive.
• 17:05
  If we know that it's a God thing, I mean, the forgiveness has to be God.
• 17:09
  So if you're writing that down and you're going through another hard time with that spouse or whatever, you can go back.
• 17:15
  Lord, I know you helped me forgive that.
• 17:17
  Yeah.
• 17:18
  Help me forgive this.
• 17:19
  Right.
• 17:20
  But use it later and as a testimony if you're talking to someone and say, you know, hey, my spouse and I went through this, and this is how the Lord helped me.
• 17:29
  Yeah.
• 17:30
  Yeah, that track record helps a lot when you look back at it later because then you start realizing where God did move.
• 17:36
  Well, and I feel like that's the way we looked at it, you know.
• 17:38
  Um, I know there's so many things that he did for us.
• 17:41
  Yeah.
• 17:42
  And it wasn't humanly possible for everything that we walk through, but it was the Lord and His forgiveness um for not just myself, I mean, for what I did, forgiving me, but to forgive, you know, everything that you've done, then you forgive me.
• 17:58
  Right.
• 17:59
  I mean, yeah, it and as it says there, you can't let it, you can't let the bad stuff have the final say.
• 18:04
  You have to move past all of that if you're going to have a good relationship with each other and not lose that friendship, yeah, not lose that closeness and that love that you have as spouses.
• 18:14
  And so when you forgive someone, uh, you know, you can't let that bad stuff have the final say.
• 18:19
  You need to be able to extend that forgiveness, even in the hurt, and know that within yourself you've done what Christ would want you to do.
• 18:29
  A strong marriage isn't built on two perfect people, it's built on two surrendered ones.
• 18:34
  That's good.
• 18:35
  When couples embrace this, something beautiful happens.
• 18:38
  Failure doesn't become final, it becomes forming.
• 18:42
  Mistakes don't push you apart, they invite humility and growth.
• 18:46
  Instead of asking, how did you hurt me?
• 18:49
  You begin asking, How can we grow through this?
• 18:52
  That's where real intimacy is built.
• 18:55
  It's not in perfection, but it's in grace.
• 18:57
  So as we step into this journey of understanding love that serves and forgives, we're not just talking about ideas, we're talking about daily, practical, sometimes messy, always meaningful choices.
• 19:08
  Choosing to listen when you'd rather shut down, choosing to apologize when it's uncomfortable, choosing to extend grace when your flesh wants justice.
• 19:17
  And yes, sometimes that means laughing in the middle of it all, because if you can survive a disagreement about thermostat settings or parenting styles or whose turn it is to take out the trash, then you can survive just about anything together.
• 19:30
  And I think those are minor.
• 19:31
  They are.
• 19:32
  I mean, parenting styles is probably a big one, but you know, thermostat settings.
• 19:39
  I mean, I really think about we got pretty good when we were younger.
• 19:44
  But now that we're older, it's kind of, you know.
• 19:47
  Yeah.
• 19:48
  But you and I are kind of the same.
• 19:49
  Just crank it down, we'll be fine.
• 19:51
  Yeah.
• 19:53
  Yeah.
• 19:53
  Those built-in insulators that we have.
• 19:57
  Sorry.
• 19:57
  We we need some cool air.
• 19:59
  Rabbit trail, sorry.
• 20:01
  Yeah.
• 20:02
  But no, it, you know, basically we have to have grace for each other.
• 20:06
  Yeah.
• 20:07
  We have to be able to surrender to each other.
• 20:09
  Uh, you know, the next one is a little short when it says marriage thrives when grace is louder than frustration and love is stronger than pride.
• 20:18
  So in the end, these two pillars, which are service, service and forgiveness, don't just hold your marriage together, they actually make it beautiful.
• 20:26
  They reflect the heart of Christ and they create a relationship where both people can grow, heal, and truly become one.
• 20:31
  And that's a kind of love worth building.
• 20:33
  Yeah.
• 20:34
  You know, if you can if you can apply this in your life where we realize that each time we mess up, we're not that we know our spouse isn't perfect.
• 20:44
  Yeah.
• 20:44
  When you realize your spouse isn't perfect, then if we are a true loving spouse that wants to be Christ-like, then that is grace.
• 20:51
  That's where we get have to give that grace sometimes.
• 20:54
  But this is where sometimes people want to get nitpicky.
• 20:57
  And this is where they want to uh, you know, pick at all the little things that just drives them crazy because the other spouse won't change or you know, won't do something different than what we thought they were going to or whatever it may be.
• 21:10
  And we we I think sometimes forget that back when we dated, you know, obviously in the dating years, you feel like you you're with the perfect person.
• 21:19
  You just you're so in love, you can't wait to get married, and all that kind of thing.
• 21:23
  And then, you know, after you're married for a while, true life hits and you start really seeing the two of you and who you really are, how you operate, and some of that stuff surprises you.
• 21:34
  You know, it's like, well, that we this didn't happen when we were dating, you know.
• 21:38
  It's like, well, things are a little looser now.
• 21:40
  We've been around each other, we're used to each other, we know each other a lot better, and we kind of loosen up.
• 21:45
  Mm-hmm.
• 21:46
  And but we have to learn to keep growing with that because those changes constantly will happen.
• 21:51
  Absolutely.
• 21:52
  Those changes never stop.
• 21:53
  That's right.
• 21:54
  Until the day we die, we are evolving human beings.
• 21:57
  And what might have been two years ago.
• 22:00
  You may be a complete reverse of that two years later.
• 22:03
  Yeah.
• 22:04
  You know, you just cannot sit there and say, okay, I finally figured my spouse out, so it's smooth sailing from here on out.
• 22:09
  No, next year's probably gonna throw another wrench in the bottom.
• 22:12
  That's all right.
• 22:12
  That's all right.
• 22:13
  And you're gonna have to learn that grace.
• 22:14
  You're gonna have to have extend forgiveness and all this stuff.
• 22:17
  This is an ongoing thing that has to happen in a relationship.
• 22:21
  So we have to be surrendered in our relationships and in our in our marriage.
• 22:26
  We have to make sure that we're surrendered in all of that and keep Christ in the middle of it.
• 22:46
  So go ahead and carry on there.
• 22:48
  And we're gonna go over practicing unconditional love and forgiveness.
• 22:53
  Unconditional love and forgiveness aren't just nice ideas we sprinkle into a marriage when things are going well.
• 23:00
  They are absolutely essential.
• 23:03
  Without them, marriage slowly turns into a transaction.
• 23:07
  I'll give if you give.
• 23:09
  I'll love if you love first.
• 23:11
  And that kind of relationship doesn't hold up when real life hits.
• 23:15
  But when unconditional love and forgiveness are present, marriage becomes something deeper, something that reflects the very covenant God has with his people, steady, merciful, and full of grace.
• 23:29
  If you want to understand this kind of love, Scripture gives us a powerful, honestly, pretty shocking example in the story of Hosea.
• 23:39
  God tells Hosea to marry Gomer, a woman who would be unfaithful to him again and again.
• 23:46
  And while that story represents Israel's unfaithfulness to God, it also paints a vivid picture of covenant love.
• 23:55
  Love that doesn't walk away when it's wounded.
• 23:57
  Hosea didn't love Gomer because she earned it.
• 24:01
  He loved her because God called him to reflect a love that per pursues even through pain.
• 24:08
  Now let's be clear.
• 24:14
  But the principle is undeniable.
• 24:16
  Real covenant love doesn't quit when things get uncomfortable.
• 24:21
  It doesn't pack its bags the moment feelings cool off or when your spouse has a rough season.
• 24:27
  You know, I've always thought about this story because it comes up a lot in marriage.
• 24:31
  It's a powerful story.
• 24:32
  Because it's so powerful.
• 24:33
  And it's something that honestly, who today would probably do something like that?
• 24:38
  You know, it's like I sit there and I think about that, and it's like that really had to be a true word from God.
• 24:45
  That would be horrible.
• 24:46
  Oh my goodness, for Hosea to do that, and for him to, I mean, imagine the connection that he had with the with God to understand that this is truly God telling me to do this, first of all.
• 24:58
  Yeah.
• 24:58
  And then he's probably sitting there thinking, Are you serious?
• 25:01
  You really want me?
• 25:02
  You know, the the one opportunity I get to have a marriage and a love and a spouse, and you know, this relationship that I've probably dreamed about since I was, you know, a teenager and started liking girls or whatever, this is what I get.
• 25:16
  Because I'm sure he was judging her for what she did as a profession, probably.
• 25:23
  And so for God to ask him to be in that place to be, which God was using this as a metaphor for Israel, obviously.
• 25:33
  We know that.
• 25:33
  Yeah.
• 25:34
  Because Israel had done the same exact thing to God in their relationship with him.
• 25:39
  And Hosea being a prophet at that time, this marriage between him and Gomer was as an example to Israel that this is what you're doing to God, is what is happening between the two of us.
• 25:49
  But yet, this love that I still have for Gomer, even though she's doing the thing she's doing and has this baggage, I forgive her daily.
• 25:59
  She's the love of my life.
• 26:00
  God has told me to marry her.
• 26:03
  She's my spouse.
• 26:04
  And to be faithful to that.
• 26:06
  Um, that was a picture that Israel that were God was trying to get Israel to see that that's the type of relationship God wanted with those Israelites.
• 26:15
  And, you know, I think of today it's like I just don't know if I don't know of anybody that would be willing to do something like that.
• 26:23
  It definitely has to be a God thing, for sure.
• 26:26
  And it's just crazy that you know Jose went through Hosea went through this with this and did it.
• 26:34
  Um but you know, it's it just kind of goes to show that this isn't a transactional thing when it comes to marriage.
• 26:44
  Uh, when it comes to marriage, we have to make sure that we keep all the transactional stuff out of it.
• 26:50
  I deserve this, you deserve this, all that kind of talk cannot be there because it does not help a marriage to flourish when that takes place.
• 26:58
  This is proof that love can still happen between individuals when it's so screwed up and messed up that you're like, what in the world?
• 27:06
  Yeah.
• 27:06
  When you read it.
• 27:07
  Uh, but this shows how everything is possible through the grace of God.
• 27:12
  And for us to live in that forgiveness and that grace that God has, and for us to show that from ourselves, how things can still blossom.
• 27:19
  So, you know, covenant love doesn't ask, are you worthy?
• 27:22
  It says, I'm committed.
• 27:23
  So in everyday marriage, unconditional love looks a lot less dramatic, but just as powerful.
• 27:29
  It looks like choosing kindness when your spouse is in a mood.
• 27:32
  It looks like offering grace when they forgot something important.
• 27:36
  Again, it looks like staying faithful, steady, and patient, even when you feel like you're carrying more than your fair share for the moment.
• 27:44
  And you know, sometimes that moment feels like it's lasted three business days.
• 27:49
  That's why that's why 1 John 4.19 reminds us we love because he first loved us.
• 27:56
  In other words, you don't manufacture this kind of love.
• 27:58
  It's not something that we create, we receive it from God, and then what do we do?
• 28:03
  Pass it on.
• 28:04
  We pass it on.
• 28:05
  When you stay connected to him through prayer and through his word and through daily surrender, he fills you with the love you simply don't have on your own.
• 28:11
  So this is a perfect example of how Hosea did this.
• 28:14
  Hosea didn't have to manufacture that love for Gomer that he was supposed to have for her, even though she was a prostitute and doing everything that she was doing.
• 28:24
  Hosea already had this love instilled inside of him because God put it there.
• 28:28
  And God's expectation then was okay, so now Hosea, I've given you this and you have the capability to share this love and pay it forward.
• 28:38
  What are you gonna do with it?
• 28:39
  Are you going to do what I've asked you to do, or are you going to hold it inside and not do what I've asked you to do?
• 28:46
  And that's what God does with us.
• 28:49
  He gives us that, he gives me that love for you.
• 28:51
  Yeah.
• 28:51
  He gives you that love for me.
• 28:53
  Now it's up to me and you if we're going to pass that on or not, or are we going to hold it hostage?
• 28:58
  And so that's where in our relationship, you know, it's like it's not whether if we feel like our spouse deserves it, or are they worthy enough, or have they done enough stuff to say, okay, well, we checked that box off, so now I'll give you a little bit more.
• 29:13
  It's not anything about that.
• 29:14
  It's actually about the commitment that we made when we walked up that aisle and went to that altar and we gave ourselves to each other 100% completely.
• 29:23
  So go ahead and move on there.
• 29:25
  You can't pour out unconditional love if you're not being filled by an unconditional God.
• 29:30
  So good.
• 29:31
  Now let's talk about forgiveness.
• 29:33
  Because if love is the structure of marriage, forgiveness is what keeps everything flowing.
• 29:40
  Without it, things back up and eventually overflow in ways that aren't pretty.
• 29:45
  Kind of like that sink full of dishes your spouse said were soaking three days ago.
• 29:52
  A powerful picture of forgiveness comes from Genesis and the story of Joseph.
• 29:57
  Betrayed by his own brothers, sold into slavery, forgotten for years, Joseph's had every right to get even.
• 30:05
  But when the moment came, he chose mercy.
• 30:08
  He gave grace where revenge would have been justified.
• 30:12
  That's the heart of a biblical forgiveness.
• 30:16
  In marriage, forgiveness means releasing your right to punish.
• 30:19
  It doesn't mean pretending nothing happened or ignoring real hurt, but it does mean refusing to hold that over your spouse's head like a permanent debt.
• 30:30
  So when your spouse says something they shouldn't have or forgets something meaningful, or just flat out gets it wrong, you deal with it.
• 30:38
  You communicate, but you don't weaponize it later.
• 30:41
  And I think one of the important things here to pull out of this one is sometimes spouses, especially if they're uh like a white type personality where they don't want to fight, they don't want to have conflict, um, you know, they don't want to approach things and cause a big scene, then they will ignore what happened or ignore the hurt and just try to move through it on their own without trying to fix anything because they don't want to stir the pot.
• 31:08
  They don't want to, you know, ruffle the the feathers any.
• 31:12
  And that's not a good way to do this because it might work once or twice, but after a while that's gonna build up.
• 31:18
  Yeah.
• 31:19
  And that one thing that started out as something small is gonna become a huge mountain someday.
• 31:24
  And that mountain may be something you cannot move past if you let it go too long.
• 31:29
  Whereas if at the beginning, if you would have taken care of things when stuff was first happening, you actually probably would have had a stronger marriage now, where this mountain all of a sudden showed up.
• 31:39
  You might have been a lot stronger and in a lot better relationship than where you've ever been, but because you weren't proactive and took care of that stuff and just let it build up, now you're really in trouble.
• 31:50
  You got this big problem sitting in front of you.
• 31:53
  And, you know, I think this also brings back to the point that if we're gonna have a a biblical marriage and allow God to be in the middle of that, and you're you might be thinking, well, my spouse has done something really bad.
• 32:07
  I mean, how do I get past that to even approach thinking about at, you know, giving them forgiveness?
• 32:14
  You know, how do I even get to that point?
• 32:17
  Well, my question would be is where are you truly at with God, first of all?
• 32:22
  Because anything that we try to do in our own power, a lot of times does not work.
• 32:26
  That's right.
• 32:27
  It does not carry through like we want it to.
• 32:29
  It usually will blow up in our face eventually if we're trying to do everything on our own.
• 32:34
  And the statement that you shared there at the very beginning was what?
• 32:38
  You can't pour out unconditional love if you're not being filled by it from God.
• 32:42
  Yeah.
• 32:43
  We can only we can only give what we have.
• 32:46
  And if we have not allowed God to come in and to fill our cup to overflowing, like he says he will do, you know, there's plenty of scripture in the Bible that says anything that we have need of, he's there in an abundance.
• 32:58
  He gives us more than we could ever imagine or think, more than we could ever need.
• 33:02
  But if we're not continually in his presence, allowing him to do that for us, then when these bad moments come up and we start having these conflictive situations and these issues between each other, or if our spouse does us wrong in some way, how do we expect to be able to give that forgiveness to that spouse if God hasn't already instilled that inside of us?
• 33:23
  I know with us, when we work through all of our things and you know, some really bad stuff happened between you and I that almost caused us to get a divorce.
• 33:33
  Uh, I don't think that at the very beginning of that, we really weren't real strong yet in Christ when we when we fixed it.
• 33:41
  Well, I know, I started fixing it.
• 33:43
  Yeah.
• 33:44
  But God was working.
• 33:46
  Yes.
• 33:46
  Because we can look back now and we can see where God was working to get that ball rolling.
• 33:51
  But as years went along and it we me and you started seeing how important it is to to have God in all of that.
• 33:59
  We I I know for myself, I can look back and really see where all of a sudden it started getting a lot stronger.
• 34:05
  Yeah.
• 34:06
  And from that day forward to where we are today, uh, God has done a work.
• 34:12
  Yeah.
• 34:12
  I mean, He has come in and just really turned things upside down, and it's in a good way.
• 34:18
  Yeah.
• 34:19
  And but that never would have happened for us, though.
• 34:21
  I don't think if we hadn't have allowed God to be in the middle of that, I think we still would have been back somewhere trying to dig ourselves along, you know.
• 34:30
  And so we've got to make sure we keep God in the middle of it all and remember that you're only able to give what you have.
• 34:37
  And if you're not letting God fill you with things that you can give out forward, you're probably gonna struggle trying to do it.
• 34:44
  Yeah.
• 34:45
  Because within our own power, it's difficult.
• 34:47
  And Satan's definitely gonna be there trying to tell you, no, don't do it.
• 34:51
  And so then you're gonna have that fight going on in your mind also.
• 34:55
  And so make sure that you're constantly in the word and prayer, keeping God first in everything.
• 35:00
  You know, forgiveness doesn't erase the past as much as we would like for it to, but it refuses to let the past control our future.
• 35:07
  That's right.
• 35:08
  And here's where it gets practical.
• 35:10
  Sometimes forgiveness isn't about the big dramatic wounds, it's about the daily irritations, yeah, the tone, the habits, the little things that slowly build if you're not careful.
• 35:20
  You know, like the little thing we talked about earlier, that thermostat debate, or how the laundry gets folded, or if it doesn't, or why I'll do it later apparently means sometime before the next decade.
• 35:32
  Proverbs 1911 says it's it is to one's glory to overlook an offense.
• 35:38
  That doesn't mean you ignore everything, but it does mean you learn the wisdom of letting small things stay small.
• 35:43
  And how many times do we see people take little things and blow them up into a big old explosion?
• 35:49
  I know, because there's times that w we'll be with friends or something and they'll say something about an argument they've been in, and I'm just like, well, that's not that big, you know, just ignore it and move on.
• 35:59
  Like, but that's my personality anymore.
• 36:02
  Is it really worth the fight?
• 36:03
  You know, is it really worth sitting there and irritating your other spouse because you feel one way or the other?
• 36:09
  If it's something small, let it go.
• 36:11
  I mean, how many times does God, you know, give us grace throughout the day?
• 36:16
  Yeah.
• 36:17
  You know, you think about that.
• 36:18
  And it's just like, it's not, it's not worth the battle.
• 36:22
  Well, that little statement, we brought it up several times, and we've even said this many times to the couples we mentor and uh the ones that we talk to is agree to disagree.
• 36:32
  We do that a lot.
• 36:33
  Yeah, it that's why we wouldn't say that much now, right?
• 36:36
  But there has been times we still do it.
• 36:38
  Yeah.
• 36:39
  Well, you know that we're not ever going to totally agree on everything, it's just not going to happen.
• 36:46
  So we have to learn as spouses where do we draw that line?
• 36:50
  You know, it's like, where do we decide that, okay, this is something that we're going to let go of now and move forward, but this thing here we're going to hold on to and we're going to let it control the future and how we feel about things.
• 37:03
  And, you know, that's not how God wants it to be.
• 37:06
  He's pretty well, you know, set in his way on the fact that when you forgive somebody, that puts it behind you.
• 37:13
  He doesn't give any, you know, chances of saying, oh, well, yeah, we forgive you for this moment, but here in two weeks, I'm going to bring this back up again, you know, or a different version of it.
• 37:25
  I'm going to bring a different version of it back up again.
• 37:28
  And so that's where we have to learn and grow stronger in our faith and understanding what God wants for us.
• 37:35
  And we'll never make progress in our marriage if we don't let forgiveness erase what happened behind us.
• 37:42
  We cannot hold on to those things because that is an offense.
• 37:46
  That is a wall that we build.
• 37:48
  And as long as that wall is there, it's really hard to climb over that and get to a better place.
• 37:53
  And so we've we just got to be really careful with that.
• 37:56
  You know, strong marriages aren't built on never being annoyed.
• 38:00
  They're built on knowing what's worth addressing and what's worth releasing.
• 38:03
  I think we just talked a little bit about agree to disagree.
• 38:07
  The truth is cultivating this kind of love and forgiveness is a lifelong journey.
• 38:11
  You won't get it perfect.
• 38:13
  There's going to be moments where you fall short, where you react instead of respond, where grace feels hard to give.
• 38:20
  But that's the beauty of marriage.
• 38:21
  You get to practice every single day.
• 38:24
  And when you do, your marriage becomes more than a relationship.
• 38:27
  It becomes a testimony, a living picture of God's patience, his mercy, and his relentless love.
• 38:34
  But here's the warning that we can't ignore.
• 38:36
  Unforgiveness is one of the enemy's most effective tools against marriage.
• 38:41
  He doesn't always need a major crisis.
• 38:44
  Sometimes all he needs are small, unresolved hurts that slowly turn into resentment.
• 38:50
  Scripture is clear in Ephesians chapter 4, verse 26 and 27: don't let anger linger and don't give the enemy a foothold, because that foothold, it's access.
• 39:01
  It's an open door.
• 39:03
  And when that door stays open, small issues start getting magnified.
• 39:08
  Misunderstandings turn into assumptions, frustrations turn into narratives.
• 39:12
  And before long, instead of seeing your spouse as your teammate, you start seeing them as your opponent.
• 39:19
  And man, is there's tons of stuff packed in that.
• 39:22
  Yes.
• 39:22
  Um, you know, I've and sometimes this is in a joking manner.
• 39:28
  I know.
• 39:28
  I don't I don't want to put this on, you know, everybody that's ever like this.
• 39:33
  Uh, but you'll hear spouses a lot of times say, Well, you know, my spouse annoys me all the time.
• 39:38
  You know, it's like the things they do, and I just don't get it, you know, there's constantly annoying.
• 39:44
  Uh there's a way you can do that, just be jokingly in a joking manner where you're not totally serious about it.
• 39:50
  But then there's also the side where you truly do let them annoy you with the stuff that they do.
• 39:55
  And that comes back to what we were just talking about a while ago, is what do you do with that annoyance?
• 40:02
  Do you let it sit there and build and build and become this small thing that becomes a foothold in your life that Satan can come in then and start messing with your mind and making you have thoughts?
• 40:13
  Or is this annoying stuff that you call annoying all the time, is it stuff that truly is just not a big deal?
• 40:21
  You know, it's one of those places where we will agree to disagree and move on.
• 40:25
  Uh, we approach it, we talk about it, we work our way through it, and we're done.
• 40:28
  Uh, you know, there's two ways that you can fix that stuff.
• 40:32
  And we have to understand that each time we come up to a point in our relationships and in our marriages, that when we have some of these conflicts, and just like it said, even just the small stuff, um, you know, I I think one thing that really we can you constitute as small stuff is a lot of it sometimes are unspoken expectations.
• 40:55
  I see that being a big issue because those things will stack up so quickly because the spouse is expecting the other one to do something that they never do.
• 41:05
  But more often than not, we find out that whenever it comes around full circle, they've never really talked about it.
• 41:11
  So the other spouse is being expected to do something they never even knew was a thing.
• 41:16
  And those those little things can stack up for the spouse that expects it to be taking place all the time.
• 41:25
  And we've got to be careful with that because that's not exactly how God intended for this whole thing to work.
• 41:32
  He's given us a mouth and he's given us words and communication for a reason.
• 41:36
  And if we feel like we're being shortchanged somewhere, our spouse continually is not doing something we expect them to, or they are doing something that we do not like and they keep doing it, I, you know, news flash is going to keep going that way until somebody speaks up and says something about it.
• 41:51
  That's just all there is to it.
• 41:52
  There's no way that that other spouse is going to be able to read your mind.
• 41:56
  And the only other option to that is if they're doing it on purpose just to irritate you.
• 42:01
  And they know that they're not supposed to be, but they're trying to make you mad.
• 42:04
  Now that's a whole different scenario.
• 42:06
  But if the spouse truly doesn't know what's expected and you don't speak up and say something, you're gonna be right here in this little spot that we just talked about.
• 42:15
  Um, you know, you're gonna be building walls and all kinds of stuff.
• 42:18
  It's gonna be taking place, they're gonna be annoying you like crazy.
• 42:22
  And then you're gonna have to start navigating through all of this stuff of what do I let make me mad and what do I not let make me mad.
• 42:29
  And can I agree to disagree?
• 42:30
  Can I really let some of this stuff go when I ask, you know, forgiveness or give forgiveness to them?
• 42:35
  And it puts that puts you in that spot of the scripture, says that if you let that stuff linger, you're giving Satan a foothold in your life.
• 42:41
  And we've got to be proactive against that.
• 42:44
  So once you share the next one there.
• 42:46
  Go ahead and share the next two.
• 42:49
  Unforgiveness doesn't build walls, it rewrites the story you tell yourself about your spouse.
• 42:55
  Over time, that's what breaks marriages down.
• 42:58
  Not always one big moment, but a thousand small ones that were never healed.
• 43:03
  A careless word becomes proof they don't care.
• 43:07
  A forgotten promise becomes evidence they never will.
• 43:11
  That's why forgiveness isn't optional, it's foundational.
• 43:15
  Forgiveness keeps your heart soft, it keeps grace flowing, it shuts the door on the enemy and keeps your marriage aligned in unity instead of division.
• 43:26
  And no, forgiveness doesn't mean the pain wasn't real.
• 43:30
  It means you're choosing healing over holding on, unity over being right, and love over resentment.
• 43:38
  A forgiving marriage is a protected marriage because grace leaves no room for division to take root.
• 43:46
  When couples make forgiveness a habit, not just a one time decision, but a daily posture, they create something powerful in an environment where peace can grow, where trust can be rebuilt, and where Where God's presence is felt.
• 44:02
  Because at the end of the day, when God is the one holding your marriage together, He doesn't just call you to love and forgive.
• 44:09
  He gives you the strength to do it.
• 44:11
  And that kind of marriage, that's just not surviving.
• 44:15
  That's thriving.
• 44:17
  I really like that.
• 44:19
  Uh too, as we wrap up this episode for this week.
• 44:23
  Um, you know, we have to understand that a actual foundational pillar in our marriage, one of those has to be the ability to forgive.
• 44:33
  Because if we don't have that, the marriage will never work.
• 44:36
  You know, this is a daily grind that we go through where we're constantly gonna have to give each other grace for things that happen, and we're gonna have to be willing to forgive sometimes for things in places where we were done wrong.
• 44:49
  And it's not usually one-sided, it's always gonna be both sides.
• 44:53
  You're gonna have to navigate through this from both directions.
• 44:57
  And one thing that I liked here was forgiveness keeps your heart soft.
• 45:03
  What happens when that's the case is that grace can keep flowing.
• 45:07
  If you don't forgive, what'll happen?
• 45:10
  Your heart's gonna harden.
• 45:11
  Yep.
• 45:12
  And then what's gonna happen?
• 45:13
  You're gonna start building that wall, you're not gonna let anybody in.
• 45:16
  There's not gonna be grace anymore.
• 45:18
  There's not gonna be any forgiveness, and all the other things that comes along with all of that, you're gonna go onto the defensive, you're gonna start nitpicking every little thing that happens, and there's the enemy.
• 45:32
  I feel like too, when your heart becomes hardened, you don't recognize it.
• 45:36
  Yes.
• 45:37
  Those people that have the hardened hearts don't even recognize that their heart is hardened and the walls are built up.
• 45:42
  Yeah.
• 45:43
  And that usually triggers them, they're very harsh with how they handle their spouses a lot of times because what you're saying, when the heart hardens like that, a lot of times the other they want to put the blame on the other spouse for everything.
• 45:57
  Yep.
• 45:58
  And they never actually at that point quit taking responsibility for things they do themselves.
• 46:03
  And they think that they're doing no wrong.
• 46:05
  And that's how the enemy wants it, because when that happens, then he can divide that marriage at that point and maybe push it to a divorce.
• 46:14
  That's his whole goal is to destroy um this uh this communion and this marriage thing that God has created, and he does not want that to happen.
• 46:24
  And so uh we just we don't want to be in a surviving mode in our marriages.
• 46:29
  We want to make sure that every day when we wake up and we start a whole new day that our marriage is thriving, right?
• 46:34
  That it's moving forward, it's becoming stronger, and we are drawing closer to each other and building a greater love like we've never seen before.
• 46:42
  That's what it's all about.
• 46:44
  So, do you have anything to add to this one this week?
• 46:46
  No.
• 46:46
  As we close up this one, it's a good one, that's for sure.
• 46:49
  Yep, yeah.
• 46:50
  This is a really good episode.
• 46:52
  Um and then next week we'll come back and we'll do part two.
• 46:56
  The only thing I have to I I will say this in a marriage, I know it's hard to forgive, but you will not regret if you forgive your spouse.
• 47:09
  Truly, forgive your spouse.
• 47:12
  God will use it.
• 47:14
  He will use that forgiveness and he will open doors for you and your spouse to move on.
• 47:30
  So as we wrap up this week's conversation, here's what we want to leave you with.
• 47:35
  The strength of your relationship isn't found in how smooth things feel, it's revealed in how you respond when things aren't smooth.
• 47:43
  Every disagreement, every misstep, every moment of tension is an opportunity.
• 47:48
  An opportunity to lean into Christ, to choose humility over pride, and to respond in a way that builds instead of breaks.
• 47:55
  You don't have to get it perfect, you just have to stay surrendered.
• 47:59
  Because when two people are committed to growing, even the hard moments can become the very things that deepen connection instead of dividing it.
• 48:07
  The goal isn't a flawless relationship, the goal is a faithful one.
• 48:12
  So as you head into your week this week, we want to challenge you with something simple but powerful.
• 48:16
  Choose one intentional act that reflects Christ in your home.
• 48:20
  Maybe it's offering encouragement when it's not expected, initiating a hard but honest conversation, or letting go of something that you've been holding on to.
• 48:29
  Small consistent choices like that are what shapes something lasting over time.
• 48:34
  And hey, if things get tense this week, just remember, sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is pause, take a breath, and not respond to that comment about how you forgot to take that trash out.
• 48:45
  Thanks for spending this time with us this week.
• 48:47
  If this episode encouraged you, share it with other couples who might need it.
• 48:51
  And don't forget to subscribe so that you don't miss what's coming next.
• 48:54
  Next week we'll be back and we'll be doing part two of this episode.
• 48:58
  And don't forget that we're cheering you on, praying for your home and believing that God is doing more in your relationship than you can see right now.
• 49:07
  That's going to be all for this week, and we pray that your marriage is stronger and your walk with God is closer after this episode.
• 49:13
  This episode is recorded in the upper room at our Connecting the Gap Studios.
• 49:17
  This is an extension of Connecting the Gap Ministries.
• 49:19
  We pray that you have a blessed week.