Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1039 - Q&A: Teacher Struggles & Home School Hacks

Transcript

#1039 - Q&A: Teacher Struggles & Home School Hacks · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: It's their Happy Families podcast.
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  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 0:08
  Speaker 2: wants answers.
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  Speaker 1: Mew, Hello and welcome to the Happy Families podcast, the
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  Speaker 1: podcast for the time poor parent who just wants answers. Now,
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  Speaker 1: I'm Justin Doctor Justin Colson, the author of a bunch
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  Speaker 1: of books about how to make your family happier, and
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  Speaker 1: the dad to six daughters, three in their twenties now,
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  Speaker 1: two in their teens, and a ten year old. Today,
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  Speaker 1: like every Tuesday, answering your questions on the podcast about
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  Speaker 1: how you can make your family happier. If you would
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  Speaker 1: like to submit a question, we love those voice memos.
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  Speaker 1: Just go to happy families dot com dot. You click
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  Speaker 1: on the podcasts link and push the record button. It's
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  Speaker 1: super easy to use happy families dot com dot. You
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  Speaker 1: click on the podcast link and press the record button.
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  Speaker 1: That's simple. Here's our first question today. It comes from Emma, Hi, Justin,
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  Speaker 1: and Kylie.
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  Speaker 3: I'm wanting some suggestions to help our ten year old
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  Speaker 3: boy struggling with going to school and being at school.
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  Speaker 3: He feels unliked and that a lot of the correction
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  Speaker 3: in the classroom is unfairly directed at him. I have
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  Speaker 3: talked to his teacher, and I can see the teacher's
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  Speaker 3: point of view as well as his point of view
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  Speaker 3: that he can be distracting and unfocused at times, but
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  Speaker 3: I also feel for him in the way that it
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  Speaker 3: is handled. He does have a lot of age appropriate
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  Speaker 3: autonomy at home, which is different to the school classroom.
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  Speaker 3: And I'm a bit worried we are setting him up
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  Speaker 3: badly or we're missing something perhaps in the way that
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  Speaker 3: we're doing it. Just wondering if you have any suggestions
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  Speaker 3: in helping him follow the rules when he doesn't understand
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  Speaker 3: why at school or what your way forward would be here.
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  Speaker 3: Thanks heeps, guys.
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  Speaker 1: Bye, tricky one. Tricky one and Emma also includes some
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  Speaker 1: additional information in her email to me well. She identified
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  Speaker 1: that he is withdrawing from friends on the street that
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  Speaker 1: he usually plays with, no longer enjoying playing clubs, soccer,
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  Speaker 1: emotional sad, easily angered, although that isn't really new, and
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  Speaker 1: it seems like there's just a whole lot of clashes
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  Speaker 1: going on, things get him down all over the place.
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  Speaker 1: Emma's email also says that he doesn't want to go
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  Speaker 1: to school. He's getting there every day, but it's hard
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  Speaker 1: and I'm back walking him in with a long goodbye
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  Speaker 1: before he goes to his bag rack. She says, we're
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  Speaker 1: doing all the things suggested by you and others to
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  Speaker 1: help with school and sleep, but are not seeing improvement.
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  Speaker 1: And she also made a suggestion that the school can't
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  Speaker 1: community doesn't seem to be working out for her either.
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  Speaker 1: All right, really frustrating one. So many challenges. By the way,
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  Speaker 1: I brought missus Happy Families in for today's episode as well.
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  Speaker 1: Hi Kylie, Hi, So I want to go over a
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  Speaker 1: handful of things here because it's just frustrating. And the
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  Speaker 1: other thing is a lot of mental health work. As
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  Speaker 1: psychologists school counselors, they're going to come up with a
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  Speaker 1: whole lot of solutions that aren't going to feel like
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  Speaker 1: they're working. This is what drives people crazy when kids
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  Speaker 1: are starting to say don't want to go to school.
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  Speaker 1: Let's go through the usual stuff. First off, we've got
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  Speaker 1: to talk about basic psychological needs being supported or thwarted.
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  Speaker 1: We're talking about confidence relatedness and autonomy. So if your
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  Speaker 1: child does not feel confident at school, whether it's academically
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  Speaker 1: or socially or in any other way, there's going to
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  Speaker 1: be resistance to going. Clearly, based on the interactions between
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  Speaker 1: your son and the teacher, there are competence issues, confidence
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  Speaker 1: with behavior, confidence with managing and regulating himself in the
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  Speaker 1: class versus what the teacher requires. Sometimes those teacher requirements
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  Speaker 1: are developmentally appropriate, sometimes they're not. But feeling competent school
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  Speaker 1: is going to be a really big deal.
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  Speaker 2: But if it's having that much of an impact on
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  Speaker 2: your child, then you can be guaranteed that, regardless of
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  Speaker 2: how competent the teacher is, her technique is actually harming
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  Speaker 2: your child.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, Which brings us to relationships. Relationships have got to
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  Speaker 1: be strong. That need needs to be supported. In this case,
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  Speaker 1: it's clearly not being supported. There is a need frustration
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  Speaker 1: around relationships. This is a really big one. I mean,
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  Speaker 1: you and I were talking the other day. We just
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  Speaker 1: were having a chat with a friend who has I
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  Speaker 1: think it was a grade one kid who was literally
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  Speaker 1: locked in the cupboard at school by the teacher because
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  Speaker 1: the teacher couldn't control the kid's behavior. I mean, this
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  Speaker 1: is twenty twenty four people, it's still happening now. This
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  Speaker 1: is not to bag out all teachers. Most teachers are
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  Speaker 1: doing a great job, and that teacher probably most of
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  Speaker 1: the time does too. But this is unacceptable. And when
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  Speaker 1: you've got a teacher who I mean in the email,
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  Speaker 1: Emma said, she yells at him a lot, and he
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  Speaker 1: misses out on class stamps and rewards, but doesn't always
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  Speaker 1: understand why. Fundamentally, we're dealing with some massive issues in
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  Speaker 1: terms of the way that teachers deal with students. And
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  Speaker 1: I don't want to bag teachers out here. This is
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  Speaker 1: the reality of working with thirty or forty kids and
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  Speaker 1: not having the level of training that's necessary to be
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  Speaker 1: able to manage these situations effectively.
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  Speaker 2: We've had a couple of kids that have had really
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  Speaker 2: significant challenges in the classroom. We've seen the best and
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  Speaker 2: the worst of teaching strategies in and knowing how to
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  Speaker 2: handle those challenges within the classroom setting. And I remember
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  Speaker 2: when one of our children finally got into a class
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  Speaker 2: and I literally looked at the teacher and I said,
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  Speaker 2: you're like the Mary Poppins of teachers like she not
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  Speaker 2: only did she absolutely love our child, she recognized her strengths,
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  Speaker 2: worked with those, and she found ways to manage the
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  Speaker 2: challenges that existed in such a beautiful way. She taught
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  Speaker 2: me things that I hadn't even worked out how to do.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I know this is not going to be a
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  Speaker 1: popular thing to say, although I'd imagine most teachers would
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  Speaker 1: agree with me. Some teachers suck. The majority of them,
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  Speaker 1: the overwhelming majority, are brilliant. But every now and again,
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  Speaker 1: you just get a teacher that does not do the
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  Speaker 1: job required. Or sometimes it's not even that. Sometimes they
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  Speaker 1: just don't click with your child. There's a personality clash,
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  Speaker 1: there's something going on and you just can't get there.
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  Speaker 1: And so maybe the teacher doesn't suck, but perhaps they
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  Speaker 1: suck for your child. And in this case, I'm listening
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  Speaker 1: to what Emma saying, and I'm thinking maybe. I mean,
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  Speaker 1: we're more than halfway through the year now, we're well
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  Speaker 1: into term three. Tough it out. Teach your son that
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  Speaker 1: there is this thing called tolerable discomfort and work through it.
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  Speaker 1: Deal with what we call frustration tolerance. This is a
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  Speaker 1: growing thing. We're talking about a ten year old boy.
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  Speaker 1: Now he's big enough to be able to put on
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  Speaker 1: his big boy pants and work through this day by day,
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: week by week until we get to the end of
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  Speaker 1: term four and we get a new teacher who is
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  Speaker 1: back on it and doing things right for next year.
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  Speaker 2: So it doesn't say in the email how long they've
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  Speaker 2: been working through this challenge.
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  Speaker 1: It's only been this year.
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  Speaker 2: But the reality is so often when we're bombarded with
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  Speaker 2: challenges in our lives, especially when it comes to parenting
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  Speaker 2: and the way we're trying to help our children work
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  Speaker 2: through their different challenges, it feels like we're not getting anywhere,
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  Speaker 2: and we will constantly say I'm doing all the things,
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  Speaker 2: But what happens over time is that those things, the
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  Speaker 2: consistency with which we attack or work with the challenges,
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  Speaker 2: we actually do see change. But we want change right now,
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  Speaker 2: and it's a process because we hate seeing our kids
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  Speaker 2: hurting right we hate being uncomfortable. But if we will
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  Speaker 2: just be consistent, often all of us sudden, it will
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  Speaker 2: feel like you're like in a blink of an eye,
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  Speaker 2: all of a sudden, things are different.
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  Speaker 1: And Emma has also highlighted that there's appropriate autonomy age
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  Speaker 1: appropriate autonomy. I really love that in the home, but
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  Speaker 1: this is clearly not happening in the classroom. So we've
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  Speaker 1: got these basic psychological needs essentially not being supported effectively
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  Speaker 1: at school. Having another conversation with the teacher, I don't
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  Speaker 1: think it's going to work. Clearly, this conversation has not
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  Speaker 1: gone in a helpful and positive direction, so this is
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  Speaker 1: about toughing it out. I guess there's a couple of
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  Speaker 1: other things that I would check based on the additional
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  Speaker 1: information that's in the email. I'd want to just have
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  Speaker 1: a medical check up. I want to make sure that
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  Speaker 1: there's nothing going on medically. We've talked about the psychological needs,
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  Speaker 1: so let's double check the medical stuff. I think it's
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  Speaker 1: also worth highlighting this though. Attention amplifies discomfort, and the
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  Speaker 1: more we put attention on the discomfort, the more we
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  Speaker 1: talk about the problems, the bigger the problems become. Sometimes
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  Speaker 1: it's better to simply say yeah, I know it's hard,
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  Speaker 1: We'll get through it and move on. It kind of flinches.
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  Speaker 1: I say this because I don't want to turn into
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  Speaker 1: Captain Tough Love here. That's not the objective. But rather,
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  Speaker 1: sometimes our children need to know and understand that life
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  Speaker 1: can be tricky, life can be awkward, life can be uncomfortable,
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  Speaker 1: and we can still get through those things, even if
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  Speaker 1: it means it's going to be a while. We have
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  Speaker 1: a daughter who is currently in Canada doing volunteer missionary work,
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  Speaker 1: and she's been assigned to work with somebody and it's
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  Speaker 1: just not working out. But it's only six weeks and
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  Speaker 1: she'll get through it. It's been a really, really hard
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  Speaker 1: experience for her, and we've just sat there and said,
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  Speaker 1: we get it. It's really hard. You'll get through it.
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  Speaker 2: Now.
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  Speaker 1: Obviously she's twelve years older than this kid, or ten
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  Speaker 1: years older than Emma's boy, but it's still something where
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  Speaker 1: sometimes life is hard and you just have to get through.
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  Speaker 1: And I think that there's something in that. I mean,
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  Speaker 1: the last option is that your school swap, and I
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  Speaker 1: don't think that's a great idea.
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  Speaker 2: I think that you've kind of jumped the gun there
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  Speaker 2: a little bit. I think that sometimes a change of
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  Speaker 2: classroom and teacher can be all that needs to take place.
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  Speaker 2: Their child's still in the same environment, but has the
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  Speaker 2: opportunity to build a relationship with another teacher that might
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  Speaker 2: be better. Because this is I would suggest, this is
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  Speaker 2: more a personality thing. There's a clash between teacher and
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: child personality, and that's the difference.
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  Speaker 1: There are other challenges with that though, as well, Like
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  Speaker 1: you swap classrooms and the teachers kind of compare notes
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  Speaker 1: and talk things through and sometimes the stigma from the
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  Speaker 1: class swap the kids talk about in the playground, it
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  Speaker 1: can make things really uncomfortable. Maybe it's an option. I
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  Speaker 1: think toughing it out to the end of the year
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  Speaker 1: is the better option. I know that there are no
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: easy answers. I know that people in the school can't
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  Speaker 1: community are going to absolutely hate what I'm saying here,
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  Speaker 1: But I just think persistence is the best way to go.
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  Speaker 1: Avoidance reinforces anxiety. It may be that a classroom swap
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  Speaker 1: is appropriate, but the child goes wherever the child has
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  Speaker 1: to go, right like when you move house, so when
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: you move neighborhood, when you move school, you go with you,
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  Speaker 1: which means that those challenges may persist wherever you are.
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  Speaker 1: I guess I need to just put in one big caveat,
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  Speaker 1: and that is that sometimes the advice that I've just
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: given is the worst advice ever, But generally, in most circumstances,
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  Speaker 1: it will work for most kids most of the time.
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  Speaker 1: And this is a great challenge with this kind of thing. Emma,
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: tough question. I hope there's something helpful there for you.
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  Speaker 1: Let's move on to question number two. Question number two,
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  Speaker 1: Hello Justin.
• 10:14
  Speaker 4: And Kylie, My name is Carrie and I'm a homeschooling
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  Speaker 4: mum of three little boys. I started homeschooling at the
• 10:22
  Speaker 4: same time as Kylie and would be really interested in
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  Speaker 4: knowing a little bit more about how Kylie is going
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  Speaker 4: with homeschooling, what curriculum she's using, what has and hasn't worked.
• 10:39
  Speaker 4: That would be fabulous. Thank you.
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  Speaker 1: Find it really interesting that Carrie from Wa doesn't say,
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  Speaker 1: justin how are you finding homeschooling? It is this the
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  Speaker 1: Kylie show? All of a sudden, Am I not doing
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  Speaker 1: any homeschooling?
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: No?
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: Not really? Okay, Well I can say this, we're using
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: Yuka as a curriculum. I know that much. This is
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: not to post and I don't know if it's great
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  Speaker 1: or not because I'm not involved in it, but I
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: know that Colie, how did you answer carry?
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  Speaker 2: Well, the first thing is yes, we are using Yuka.
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  Speaker 2: Did I do a huge amount of research and to
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: whether or not this was a good way.
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: To go time for reach?
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  Speaker 2: I did it because we needed to start, and I
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: also just decided that it was important to be gentle
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: on myself and not try to know it all in one,
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  Speaker 2: you know, one sitting and so Yuka provided a structure
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: and a reporting system all in one.
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  Speaker 1: And it follows this train curriculum pretty well, doesn't it.
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And it just allowed me to ease my way
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: into it. Whether or not it's what we use moving forward,
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  Speaker 2: I don't know. But at this point it is pretty
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: much doing all of the hard yards for me, so
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: I don't have to do too much like heavy lifting myself.
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  Speaker 2: What's working and what's not. Yeah, So in my mind
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  Speaker 2: I had this beautiful picture of you know, structure. School
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  Speaker 2: goes from nine to eleven every morning, and we sit
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: down and she knows that we start with Mass and
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: then we do English, and then we're doing it, you know,
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  Speaker 2: an extra And I thought that this was going to
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: be amazing.
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  Speaker 1: You're talking about a year fourteen year old daughter. Yes,
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: it's worth just jumping in and letting you know that
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: our year nine daughter, fourteen years old, she's pretty much
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: doing it herself, and she's doing a well, we think
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: she's doing a great job. We'll find that in due course,
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: but we think she's doing a great job, and she
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: seems to be pretty motivated to just get it done.
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: But our younger one, but that all went out the
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: window once we started and I realized that the rigid
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: structure that I had in mind that was going to
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: work in with my routine was not going to work
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: for Miss ten. So what I have learned from my
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: experience is that the more flexible and fluid I can
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: be in my day, the more compliant and enjoyable Emily
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: is to be around and to be involved. That she
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: feeds off my emotions. We talk about this all the time,
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: emotions a catch. If I feel stressed and we need
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: to just hurry up and get this done because I've
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: got other things on, Emily feeds off that stress, and
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: therefore it's almost like everything shuts down. She can't work,
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: she can't think, she just gets overwhelmed in that moment.
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  Speaker 2: And then what should only take us an hour ends
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: up being a really big emotional process and three or
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: four hours and we're still kind of aut a standstill,
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: not able to kind of work through it. And then
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: the other thing is providing an autonomy, supportive structure that
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: literally lets her lead. So we sit down and like
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: I said, I had in my mind we'd start with mass,
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: we'd go to English. And so now what happens is
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: we sit down and Emily says, I want to do geography,
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: and I say, okay, let's do that. She feels like
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: she's in control. She gets really excited about it, she
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: gets involved in it, and she's really really happy to
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: do our schoolwork. So I guess they're my biggest learnings.
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: And what I would consider my biggest wins out of
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: it is her emotional regulation has just soared.
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah, what we're seeing different different kid to who she
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: was when she was at Schood and even our your
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: nine daughter. I mean, overwhelmingly the kids are the kids
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: are so much happier. The kids are so much happier
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: with homeschool.
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: And over the winter break we went away and we
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: actually left her for a period of time. That was
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: my biggest concern was how she would cope because in
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: the past it has been really really hard.
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: On leaving terrors. Leaving a ten year old defend for
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: herself all by herself at home for a couple of
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: weeks is hardcore. But she cooked the nails, she fed
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: the dogs, she maintained the house, put the bins out.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: She was great.
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: She she she was amazing.
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: Just in case anyone's freaking out, there were appropriate care
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: people involved, grandparents, every.
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  Speaker 2: Family member who took care of her, loved it, loved
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: the experience, and just talked about how amazing she was.
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: And that flowed on to when we got home. She
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: got up, she did her jobs in the morning, and
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: then she came to me and I knew she wanted
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: to ask to watch the TV. And in a split second,
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: she looked at me and she said, Mum, I've done this, this,
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: and this. Is there anything else you want me to do?
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
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  Speaker 2: I'm chalking that up as a massive win. But when
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: I look back at the last six months and I
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: think about all of the experiences we've had to be
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: in a place where I have a child who feels
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: in control of her emotions more times than not, who
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: has the capacity to do life without me for an
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: extended period of time, and who in general is a
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: much more calmer, peaceful child. I honestly, I'm so glad
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: that we made the decision we did, even.
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: Though it's hard ask me what I think?
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: What do you think?
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: I think that it's the best decision we've made for
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: our two kids in their schooling, But it's also the dumbest, hardest,
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: most frustrating thing that we could have possibly done. We've
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: lost so much of our lives, but what we've gained
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: in terms of seeing the benefit to the kids, it's
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: the ultimate reward. It's been absolutely brilliant. You've done it.
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: Phenomenal job. But it is taxing, and it is not
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: it's so much harder than we thought it would be.
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: But Carrie from WA, thanks for the question. We hope
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: that that's helpful, and good.
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: Luck three the three little boys.
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: The good thing about our fourteen year old is she's
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: mostly doing it herself. We think, we hope. The Happy
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media.
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: If you'd like more information about making your family happier,
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: we would love for you to stay in touch with
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: us at Happy families dot com dot you, where you
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: can check out the brand new Happy Families membership. Oh
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: my goodness, it's better than ever. It'll blow your mind.
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: Check it out happy families dot com dot AU.