Latest / Rooted & Real With Keenan / Living with Bipolar Disorder: Grief, Faith & Finding Hope | Alana Michaels

Transcript

Living with Bipolar Disorder: Grief, Faith & Finding Hope | Alana Michaels · Rooted & Real With Keenan

• Keenan: All right, so Alana, thank you so much for taking the time today to come on here and tell us your story. Alana Michaels: so first, Keenan, thank you so much for having me on here. I'm really excited to be here. I've listened to a lot of your episodes and I feel like you talk about so many different things that apply to my story. I will first often say that I am from New Jersey and I do sometimes tend to talk a little fast, and when I get excited, it speeds up even more. So I just want to keep you in the loop on that, and of course, the listeners. So Keenan: Good to know. Alana Michaels: so be I mean, there's so much to my story, but really the main thing is can be summed up in three words, and that is bipolar, grief, and God. Keenan: Okay. Alana Michaels: And I have a little bit of all of that. In my story, some of those things go back all the way to the age of 23, which was my first experience with a very severe depressive episode while I lived out in California. I was working Keenan: Mm. Yeah. Alana Michaels: as a reality TV casting director. That's the first time that hit me. I didn't get my bipolar diagnosis. Until after the birth of my son, which was 2013. So it was a long time later. So I have a lot of my story that revolves around my mental illness, again, starting all the way back since 2005. And then as far as the grief portion, my father suddenly had a massive heart attack. He was 18 days after his 68th birthday this past Keenan: Mm. Alana Michaels: December. December 3rd, 2025. And then six six weeks later, my mother almost died of a major brain bleed. She was rushed to the hospital. And life kind of stopped at that point for me. I really had the first time of my life where I was like, I I think I need a break. And it was kind of in the middle of the night, praying to my dad. So I was raised Catholic, always believed in God. You know how that goes. So always Keenan: Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Alana Michaels: believed in God. Part of my hypomania, I have bipolar two disorder, which basically means that some of the stories that people hear or people that know bipolar disorder, manic episodes can be very, very extreme. They can be damaging, they can be dangerous. And with me. Hypomania is basically only a couple notches above my actual personality. So I've never had too much damage done besides usually financial. But one of the things on my first officially diagnosed hypomanic episode back in 2013 was I became very close to God. was out of nowhere. I All of a sudden went to a church service at my husband at the time, ex-husband now. His church, while I was in this episode that we didn't know I was in, we didn't really know what was going on yet. And it just God just spoke to me. And real and religion all of a sudden became a huge part of my life. With mania, with hypomania, this is something that's very common. So I look at it all now as. At that time of my life, I truly feel God did kind of open a curtain a little bit and Keenan: Yeah. Alana Michaels: and kind of let me know that at some point down the road in my life, when I had a healthy brain, I would truly find God. And I really truly would feel what I'm feeling now, but in a grounded, healthy way, as opposed to my brain firing on all cylinders, and I was a prophet and I mean, it sounds funny, but one of the things is I met with the pastor at the church. This is back in 2013, behind my husband's back. And I'm like, hi, my name's Alana. so I'm new to the church, and I would like to start a theater program here where we can tell the story of Jesus, but we'll also incorporate my own story with mental illness, and I will play myself. what do you think? You know, like things that were. That were over the top. but these are all pieces of the story that led me to where I am now. So, and then the last part of all of this is that when I would come out of my highs, out of my hypomania, I always would crash into a very, very bad depression. And Keenan: Mm. Alana Michaels: with bipolar two disorder, and again, I'm speaking from my own experience, my depressions, Keenan, there was suicidal ideations with all of them that I've had. Keenan: Right. Alana Michaels: I've had like three and a half and in my lifetime. so what would happen is when I would hit the crash, God would completely no way, no way, no how. He was not in the picture. I don't even remember in those episodes 2013, and then I had another bad one in 2017. I don't even remember ever praying to God while I was in the depressive side of it. When I was hypomanic, Keenan: Hmm, okay. Alana Michaels: it was I was constantly talking to God. so where we are now is basically this. 2017 was my last bipolar episodes, and it was triggered by me asking for a divorce for my husband. All of the episodes I've ever had in my life were always triggered by a life event, like a pretty large life event. The first one that I got diagnosed was after I had my son. Which I found out that for a woman with bipolar disorder, it's actually one of the most dangerous things that you can do is get Keenan: Yeah. Alana Michaels: pregnant and have a child without being under the care and supervision of like some serious professionals because you can't be on certain medications. And so I had no idea. I had known that I had experienced this depression back in two thousand five in California. I had gotten into a very severe five and a half months depression back then. I got out of it with the help of medication, doctors, and I was completely fine. No symptoms, nothing of depression leading up to I got ma I met, you know, my husband on e-harmony. We got married, big wedding. And then when I knew we were gonna have a baby, I was scared of postpartum depression because in my mind I had been diagnosed with depression. So was a a crazy time too because basically the trigger really was having my son. Like as soon as he came out of me, Keenan, it was like literally I saw God because the pregnancy was horrible. I hated the pregnancy Keenan: Right. Alana Michaels: physically, mentally, emotionally. Again, looking back, it makes Keenan: Yeah. Yeah. Alana Michaels: sense. So that triggered a couple of months of me again, at this point, no one thought No one thought mental illness. People thought, wow, Alana's wow, motherhood really agrees with her. Look, she's doing this, she's Keenan: Mm. Alana Michaels: doing this. I was in like two or three weddings at the time. So I was at bachelorette parties, showers, pumping while I'm there because I still have an infant at home. I was Keenan: Right. Alana Michaels: very productive. I I started a blog. I posted 1500 pictures of my child in like the first two months of his life on online. I was posting videos on YouTube about like, you know, new motherhood, like I had all this experience. So again, during that time, everyone was kind of like, okay, she has a lot of energy, but nothing, not nothing crazy. But again, this is I'm like trying to keep myself down right now so that we can have like a really good conversation. But my personality is energetic, upbeat, fast talking. So this wasn't. Too off kilter. They just did think it was weird that it was happening right when I had a bit my first child. So right around Thanksgiving, my son was born in August, right around Thanksgiving of that year. So now we're talking about 2012. I started to feel depression symptoms. And I was scared out of my mind because I said, my this was this was my fear. This was my fear that I was gonna get some sort of depression and So I had already gone back onto my antidepressant that I had been on for all those years. And the doctor just kept upping it and upping it and upping it. Again, she had diagnosed with me with depression in 2005, 2006. There were other doctors at that time that thought possible bipolar disorder, but pretty much I kept shopping around until I had someone say that it wasn't looking back. I was so young and I was so scared of that word. So she just kept upping the medicine and it was Keenan one night. My husband still talks about it. He said it was like he found me in the nursery. It was like I was doing cocaine at two in the morning. He said he turned on Keenan: my gosh. Alana Michaels: the light and my eyes were like out of my head. And I'm organizing all of the clothes and I'm this and then this. And I'm talking to him like four in the morning about all these things we needed to do. And that's when, you know. like bits and pieces. He called my mom. My mom came over. She was a sleuth. She pretended like she was just visiting, but really she was observing. And that Keenan: Okay. Alana Michaels: was when I was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder. And unfortunately, the entire year of 2013 was spent in episodes of my illness because we just couldn't Keenan: Yeah. Alana Michaels: get it, we couldn't get it under control. So from like January until May, I was hypomanic. And then from May, you know, into it was it was up and down. So my f son's first birthday was August 2013. And at that point, I was in a very, very deep depression. Keenan: Hm. Alana Michaels: And I cried myself to sleep on his first birthday, knowing, not thinking, not wondering, knowing that that would be the only birthday of his that I would ever see, because my brain was telling me I was better off dead than alive. Keenan: Hmm. Yeah. So these depression symptoms you're you're talking about, like someone like how do you like how do you would you describe those as someone hearing that for the first time? Alana Michaels: So yeah, that's a good question. one of the things I've done throughout my life that's actually really helped me, especially even now when I'm telling my story, is I've kept journals my entire life. Keenan: Okay. Good. Alana Michaels: So I've actually recently found some where I'm really talking about what it feels like for my depression. So for my depression, I feel that every single thing. That makes me me. Everything that makes me Alana, everything that I've known in my entire life has been sucked out of my body. Keenan: Mm. Alana Michaels: And I am now this shell. Or in one journal entry, I I described it as I was like a vegetable. I'm Keenan: Mm. Alana Michaels: just quiet. I'm I'm in a very, very like when I say I'm in a dark place, like people are like, well, what does that mean? It means that I'm thinking about death pretty much. I'm thinking Keenan: Yeah. Yeah. Alana Michaels: about, I'm thinking about the fact that I will never get better, that this is permanent, and that that my family, you know, it's funny, some people are like, you know, because I talk a lot about Obviously, like suicide prevention and and awareness and people are like, you know, suicide is very is very selfish. And I don't agree with that based on my own experience because all of the things that I worry about when I'm in those depressive episodes are I don't want to put this burden on my family by staying here in this world like this. You know, you could see it in my eyes. I'm not I can't speak Keenan when I'm in a depressive episode. Whenever I say that on these like interviews, they're like, Well, I can't imagine that, you know. But it's true. Like, that's why it's so drastically different. It changes every single thing about me. And it it's it's it is hard to describe it because it but for me, because I've had it now a few times in my life and it's so distinct. The minute I feel it, I know it. That's what it was, that's what it is. And for me and my illness, I always have the hypomania first. So Keenan: Yeah. Alana Michaels: someone has said to me, Well, what triggers your depressions? There's not really a trigger for the depression. There's a trigger for the hypomania. And then the depression is like just the other side Keenan: Yeah. Alana Michaels: of the coin. Keenan: Okay. Yeah. So you get the trigger, you have this the hypomania, and then so it kind of goes like that. Alana Michaels: Yes. Keenan: so back in your story, your mom and your husband are seeing all this going on. What I mean, what how did they I guess how is it told to you, hey, like something's wrong here. Like you need to get help, you need to We need to really have a plan for how we're gonna help Alana here. Like, how was Alana Michaels: Right. Keenan: that communicated and how was that even executed? Alana Michaels: So it's another good thing to bring up because again, in my own experience, when I were when I was in that type of mental state, nobody could tell me something was wrong. I mean, I would snap, I would get so angry, so they really had to be gentle. My husband and I really had a tough time when I was pregnant and after the baby, you know. With the Keenan: Mm-hmm. Alana Michaels: illness that we didn't know that was there, but also just we had trouble in our marriage communicating. So he knew he wasn't gonna be the one to tell me this. Like looking back and we've talked about it. So I honestly think my mom wrote me an email. I think that's how it first was presented. And Keenan: Okay. Okay. Yeah. Alana Michaels: and I knew about like bipolar hypomania mania because of 2005, 2006 when they were trying to diagnose me. And we looked into it. And, you know, like I said, I basically found a doctor. I looked around until I found a doctor that said it was just just depressive episode. so I knew about it. So my ex-husband tells me that as we which is weird, as we were going into the hospital to d deliver the baby, I made a comment to him. Because I think looking back, I was starting to go a little hype hypomanic because I knew the baby I was induced. So the the baby was coming. I knew there was no chance of the baby not coming. And I was must have been like super extra talkative and maybe I was super snappy. I don't know what it was, but he said something and I said, Well, I don't f I don't seem like I have like way too much energy, right? It doesn't seem weird, right? And he's like, What do you mean? And I said something to him about bipolar disorder. So he had it in the back of his head. And like I said, we came home with the baby and there was this higher energy, there was this excitement, but there wasn't cause for concern. But then when it actually was a full hypomanic, full blown episode due to her continuing to up the antidepressant and just shot me through the roof. He's he remembered that conversation and he emailed my mom. It started with an email or a text to my mom from him and said, Can you come over and like be stay here with Alana and see if you think that something's wrong? Because I think something's wrong. So after that year. of ups and downs, ups and downs. I finally got stabilized. I got on new medication. Somebody actually sat me down in September of 2013 and explained to me what bipolar two disorder was. And I was then healthy by I think 15, 16 months later, I was sharing my story through NAMI, National Alliance on Mental Illness, called In Our Own Voice. So I was sharing my story, and years went by. And then in 2017 is when my husband and I decided to get a divorce. And that was the trigger that then shot me through the roof. And that was the one that actually ended me up into my one and only inpatient. psychiatric stay because in early May I had gone 10 days without any sleep. And Keenan: My gosh. Alana Michaels: yes, yes. So that's so going back besides this energy level and talkative and a little bit snappy and irritable, the biggest thing for my illness and most people with bipolar disorder, when you go manic hypomanic, sleep goes out the window. I mean, I was functioning when in 2013 I was getting like three, four hours of sleep. But this was now seventeen. I had moved out of my home with my husband. I was now living with my dad and my son with ha had him half the time. And I went 10 days without any sleep. And I ended up in a New York City hotel room. I didn't tell anyone. I hate New York, Keenan. I hate New York. I I'm from Jersey, but I hate New York. So I don't even understand really how I ended up there, but I remember thinking I was meant to go. I was meant to be there. The name of the hotel I ended up was called the Sanctuary. this was again, God. This time it wasn't through it wasn't through the roof over with things with God. And I remember it, but it's more so what I'm reading in these journals. It was more just believing that God. was with me and Keenan: Hm. Alana Michaels: really starting to like I I I would quote like Bible verses. I'd never read read the Bible in my life. I don't know how I was coming across the verses, but things like that. So God was involved at this point in 2017, ended up in this hotel room and now I'm on my 10th night of no sleep. I'm wandering this hotel room Keenan, I all of a sudden I'm in my hotel room and it just hits me. That it's all making sense now. I am being filmed on a reality show. This is what popped in my head. And I'm like piecing it all together. I worked in reality TV in 2005. I was I worked for a huge company in California. I was so successful. I always wanted to be on MTV's The Real World. Then I got bipolar disorder. Then I shared my story. And now I'm gonna be like in my head, I was gonna be this like kind of like a spokesperson for like women that get a divorce and how you have to find yourself and all these things. So I was convinced that I was on a reality show. And somehow I ended up leaving the hotel and got on a bus back to New Jersey. And one of my good friends, who's a psychologist and her husband were waiting for me at the parking lot. And she said, Hi, Elon. And she was very calm. She goes, Hi, Elon. She's like, I think we might like head over to the hospital. And I said, you know what? I think we should. So now my brain was like in this in-between state where I didn't Keenan: Right. Alana Michaels: think I was sick. Cause at that time, Keenan, when my mother came over during that episode and tried to tell me I was sick, I kicked her out of my house and locked the door. And that is not anywhere close to normal behavior for me. And I'm very close with my mom. for some reason, my mom becomes the punching bag a little bit during my hypomanic episodes. And I don't know what it what the reasoning is, but I think because Probably deep down she knows me the best. And I can feel that she Keenan: Hmm. Sure. Alana Michaels: feels something's not right and I don't like that feeling. So I push her away. so yeah, so that was my inpatient for seven days. Then I was in an outpatient program for a couple of months where I was still basically hypomanic. They were just bringing me down a little bit by little bit. And then August 2017 was my worst depression to date. It was one month, so technically it was the shortest one. but I was twenty four hours from taking my own life. Keenan: Mm. Yeah. Alana Michaels: So that was really, really difficult. every time I came out of these episodes, Keenan, I will share that looking back, it seems to have been every time I switched to a different doctor, like a new set of eyes. And I Keenan: Yeah. Yeah. Alana Michaels: talk about that a lot just in life because I think, and I'm sure you would agree just hearing from some of the episodes that you've that you record here. and what you do for a living, you know, it's like when you only see something one way, you know, you're only gonna see it one way. So sometimes these doctors I was I was seeing, I had been seeing them for years, and they were just like medication, medication, like writing out the same prescription. And all of a sudden this would happen. And they really kind of, I don't know if they floundered. I don't really know what happened. But looking back, You know, I feel God really was like saying, okay, now we're gonna go. There's gonna be a new person. Like you're gonna go into a new season. And in order for you to go into a new season, there needs to be a new person that's gonna lead you into that season. That's how I feel. Keenan: Mm. Okay. Alana Michaels: So so yeah, so that's that. And then I went all the years since then, that was 2017, healthy. divorced, like I said, divorced. I had I didn't I've had very inconsistent relationships, some that were very I don't like to use the word inappropriate, but they weren't fulfilling. They weren't like traditional fulfilling relationships. I was at a job working in home health care that took a lot out of my life and it was very demanding and it was very grueling, and I really never liked it. but I stuck with it. So a year after that depressive episode, 2017, at the end of like 2017, I recovered. And a year later, I was back to the point where I was again wanting to share my experience. So I did something called This Is My Brave in New York City, ironically enough. the lot. The line that I used of after the 10 days of no sleep, I needed somewhere I could go for peace and quiet. So I decided to go to Times Square, New York City. That got a lot of laughs. because it was a live audience. So Keenan: Yeah. Yeah. Alana Michaels: after that, I really went back to So Keenan, I've always had when I was young, I always had maps of California on my walls, was obsessed with thinking I was gonna be an actress. Everyone was gonna know me. Everyone was gonna know my voice, my face. And I did end up in California, not as an actress, doing reality television. And then throughout my life, when this illness started, whenever I was in hypomania, I always felt like this is it, like this is the calling that I had. Keenan: Mm. Alana Michaels: At the time, not feeling it was from God necessarily, but just like this gut feeling. So in 2018, when I performed This Is My Brave. I was just so excited to see what the next chapter was. Like this was gonna be it. I was gonna share my story and I was gonna help people and I was going to show people that sometimes Keenan: Hmm. Alana Michaels: someone who wants to take their own life and someone very depressed can look like this, can talk like this. That's Keenan: Hmm. Yeah. Alana Michaels: what I really felt was my purpose. And then I got this job, you know, I had to get a job, regular job. So I got the job at the home care and it really just it. I truly feel that God put me in that season for six and a half years, like the same season. Because I look back on so many things that went on during that time. And one of the things is I was embarrassed and mortified for anyone to find out about my illness and Keenan: Hm. Yeah. Alana Michaels: to find out that I have gone into public arenas and shared my story. Like I would Michaels is my maiden last name. So I was scared they would find my last name. online, I was scared of this, I was scared of that. I pushed it down. And it was such a a point in my life where at other points, like it was such a bright light for me to be able to talk about this. So during those six and a half years, not only did I have this very demanding job, I'm, you know, filling my cup with things that are that are just not healthy. And then I was, I completely denied this part of my story, this huge part of my story. Keenan: Hmm. Yeah. Alana Michaels: and then Out of nowhere, literally December 3rd, 2025, after a week that we all spent in North Carolina with my dad for Thanksgiving. He was in Florida. He went back to Florida to see his girlfriend for a couple days, then they were flying back. And on December 3rd, he sat on the beach, talked about our amazing Thanksgiving week. He was with my cousins as well. And then The sunset happened. My dad loved sunsets, and it was this gorgeous sunset in Marco Island, Florida. And he took a few photos of it, and they walk back to their beach condo and he sent those pictures to my little sister. I'm the oldest of four kids, and he had five grandchildren. And he collapsed and had a massive heart attack out of Keenan: my gosh. Alana Michaels: nowhere. Which is another reason why a big thing I talk about is. Tomorrow is never promised. Never. You never Keenan: Right. Absolutely. Alana Michaels: ever know. And even though my dad had his first heart attack at the age of 44, so most people will be like, well, of course he died of a heart attack. It's it's also I've heard someone say, Wow, if you told me that your dad had his first heart attack at 44 and that he was gonna live till 68, I would never believe it. So there's so many different facets of when something like this happens. So he died and all the years in between my episode of 2017 and when my father passed away, we all, meaning the family and myself, always Keenan: Mm-hmm. Alana Michaels: knew that my highest chance of having another episode would be if one of my parents were to pass away. Keenan: Hmm. Alana Michaels: And he passed, and then I took over all of the arrangements for 30 days because it took us a full month to arrange for his coming back. Anyway, all these all these details that that don't matter. But after that one month was over, and after his service was complete and everyone back to North Carolina, and then life started back up and I had to go back to work, it was, it was very, very difficult. I felt, I truly felt that just going back to work, it was like business as usual. And I think a lot of people feel this way after they lose somebody. Keenan: Sure. Yep. Alana Michaels: so it was business as usual, and then all of a sudden, What, like two weeks later, not even, my mom was rushed to the hospital with a brain bleed. Keenan: Right. Alana Michaels: And she had had headaches for a while, and they she went in for an MRI, they rushed her to the hospital, and then they told her this was pretty severe. They told her if she would have gotten on a plane in six to eight weeks from when they found the bleed, it probably would have been fatal. So My mother had a plane ticket for December seventh to go to North Carolina. And the only reason she didn't fly was because my father died. Keenan: Wow. Wow. Alana Michaels: So that in itself is just so profound. And I have so many conversations with God about that in the way of, Keenan: Mm-hmm. Alana Michaels: you know, I just it's it's just unbelievable. I mean, when I say that to people, I still get goosebumps as I say it because it's just so unbelievable. So At that point, I was my mind was just I I was emotionally broken. I was my mom was in the hospital, but we didn't know what was gonna happen. She was getting a procedure. It looked like it would be okay, but we didn't know. So Keenan: Right. Yeah. Alana Michaels: she got the procedure, and I honestly keen in one night in the middle of the night. So when my father passed, I did a lot of praying to him. Keenan: Mm. Alana Michaels: It started praying just to him. Then it started praying to him and God because When you lose someone and you don't necessarily have that Christian background and you don't necessarily understand God and Jesus and everything, I think you start to think like, my gosh, like I hope my dad is in heaven. And like, wait, what is heaven? Like God is there, right? So what is God? Are they talking? What's happening up there? So I started praying to my dad and to God at the same time. And in the middle of the night on January 18th, which was a couple days before my 44th birthday. I just in the middle of the night, I was just crying and sobbing and exhausted. Keenan: Mm. Alana Michaels: And my mom was in the hospital and my dad was no longer here. And I'm thinking about going to work the next day or the next two days. And I'm like, what should I do? What should I do? Just praying, praying. And I just got the feeling of Alana, you need a break. You need a break and you need it now. And Keenan: Absolutely. Yeah. Alana Michaels: When I say a break, I've never even taken a lunch break in like almost any of the jobs I've ever had in my life. So I was, I got my work ethic from my dad and from my mom. but they also made sure that they replenished themselves when they could, my parents, my mom more than my dad. So so that's what I did. So I said, I think I have to take a break from work. And, you know, at that time, my family was kind of like, it's about time. Like this job has just run you ragged for six and a half years. Keenan: Right. Yeah. Alana Michaels: And so that's what I did. So I took this break and I helped my mom for a while. She couldn't drive. she couldn't lift and things like that. But so with those three events, Keenan, with my father passing December 3rd, my mother going in the hospital January 13th, and then me walking away from my job on January 21st, those three things together, Did trigger an episode of my illness. Keenan: Yeah. Alana Michaels: But the twist is that Keenan: Yes. Alana Michaels: when it first happened, so I started a podcast the very end of January called Hope Hang On Pain Ends about my illness and about my dad, pretty much. And then there were some wild, funny, you know, Alana type stories thrown in there throughout the time. When the podcast was first started, my family was concerned that maybe I was going into an episode. And they approached me about it. But this time I was not angry. I was not upset because I knew I was sleeping eight hours. I was speaking so articulately on this podcast. I didn't feel anything was really leaning towards the hypomanic episodes that I've had in my life. So I said, guys, no problem. I said, I'll call the psychiatrist. We did like an emergency 45 minute. meeting with the psychiatrist and I had already been seeing my therapist twice a week since my dad died. and I was cleared. I was cleared by the therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist. so my family was kind of like, well, what are we gonna do? Like she's cleared type of thing. But I something had changed and I had started to become very introverted because I really became very focused on this podcast and me telling my story and looking back on the journals. God started coming into the journals again, but this time it was looking back, it was so genuine. It really was. It was genuine and me talking to God and talking to my dad. And then on February 8th, Super Bowl Sunday, I was led, I feel, by my dad, to a church, to a Christian church, my first ever Christian church. Called the chapel. And I wrote in my journal that night, I just have this feeling that the chapel is going to be such a huge part of my next chapter. And it really was. It really was. And I have gone pretty much every Sunday since. Sunday is my favorite day of the week. And Keenan: Absolutely. Alana Michaels: God, you know, and my dad really put so much faith into me. And I started, you know, it was funny. we I walked in that day. So everything is signs for me. Like in hypomania, it's a little extreme, but even in my normal brain, a lot of things, especially now that I walk in faith, I feel things are signs from God or or like symbolism and things like this. Like everything means something. And I walked in that day, February 8th, and they were reading out of the Gospel of John and my dad's name. was John. Keenan: Wow. Alana Michaels: And they had just started the weekend before. And we are still in the gospel of John up to the today, as of Keenan: Wow. Alana Michaels: today. So there was just so many things with that church. And I just felt so connected. And then as the months went on, I was working on the podcast. I was I was doing a lot of creative things, but most of the time most of the things I did was changed pretty much my entire life. Pretty much. I mean I I re-gained who I was. And then Keenan: Mm. Alana Michaels: I added things to it that, you know, like it was, it was like God was like, all right, she's been through a lot. Let's, let's regroup. And the song by Kelly Clarkson, Peace by Piece, kept coming up during those months. And I understand it more now than I even did then. I would always joke with my dad. I'm like, Dad, I get it. You like the song. Like, stop playing it for me. But it was more about. you know, piece by piece, like pieces of my life were getting Keenan: Yeah. Alana Michaels: taken and some were being thrown away and some were being coming back and some new ones were showing up. And I felt I was in the healthiest time of my life. I was so happy. I was no longer eating the things I shouldn't eat. I was no longer drinking as much. And then Keenan: Wow. Yeah. Alana Michaels: Keenan June 1st, spoiler alert, I literally woke up and felt Depression. Keenan: Hm. Alana Michaels: And I said, there's no way. And the first thing, and I'm going to be honest with you because I'm very honest, the first thing I said was, I'm so angry at my dad, and I am so angry at God. Because Keenan: Hmm. Yeah. Okay. Alana Michaels: how could you do this to me? How could you tell me that all of these months that Keenan: Right. Alana Michaels: were probably the best months of my life in terms of growing as a human? And it was all because I was sick. And God really, He really created a miracle because there's no other way to explain this. I Keenan: Yeah. Yes. Alana Michaels: only went into like this, I call it like a depressive pocket for Keenan: Yeah. Alana Michaels: about 10 days. And it didn't get deep. You know, we didn't get to the point where there was the suicidal ideations, but it was, it was dark. It was dark. And the first thing I did the first day, I'm like, this is impossible. Because I know if I'm depressed, I know, and everyone listening to this hopefully knows at this point, that means that I was in an episode before this. So what I did, I Googled something that I hadn't during all of these months because I I was so convinced that I was not in an episode. And I wrote in Google, I said something like, can you sleep normally and can you speak at a normal pace while in a hypomanic episode? Keenan: Mm. Alana Michaels: And I hit search and I'm waiting for it to say no. And it said, yes, you can. It said the DSM, like there's like five or six different things that you need to check off. You only need to check off three out of the six, let's say. And when I explained more with ChatGPT, my buddy Chaz, of what I went through, what something that it's been called. It's not an official diagnosis. It's not in the DSM, but what it's called is a quiet hypomanic episode. And Keenan: Okay. Alana Michaels: if you think about the name of that and like what I just explained to everyone, hopefully it would make sense. So basically I was sleeping normally. Not only was I speaking normally, I was actually speaking slower and more articulate, which they said is very common. Keenan: Yeah. Alana Michaels: And they said the biggest thing is it becomes internal. You can't see it really from the outside. And Keenan: okay. Alana Michaels: your own brain is going, going, going and you don't even realize it. I didn't even realize it until I woke up that morning and it was quiet. Keenan: Wow. So Alana Michaels: Yeah. Keenan: what did you do? I mean, how did you get out of that? Or what did you do to treat that? Alana Michaels: Well, the first thing that I did when I realized this is definitely it, like it took me a day to kind of fully acknowledge and I'm like, yes, this is it. This is a depression. I actually went on my own and increased one of my medications because I was on a little bit of a higher dose like a year before, and I still had those pills. So I took that first and then I took made an appointment with my psychiatrist, he like Keenan: Mm-hmm. Alana Michaels: for like four or five days later. And then I just sat in shock. I was in shock. I still Keenan: Yeah. Alana Michaels: I still were the first thing I wanted to do was delete the podcast. Delete the podcast, take down any social media that I've ever posted. And this is that same feeling that I had in 2017 where I had this idea of grandiosity where I was going to be this Spokesperson, the Taylor Swift of mental illness, if you will. That's what I was going to be. And then when I hit the depression, I was mortified. So it's the same feeling each time, really. Keenan: Right. Yeah. Alana Michaels: but I didn't take down the podcast. And I actually, so my recorded podcast is just me, my voice, my phone. Some of them are super short, some of them are longer. A lot of laughing, a lot of crying, a lot of singing. And I recorded myself, and I can't believe I did it. But I did like four or five recordings of just me crying and me being honest and being like, I can't believe this. I can't believe this. and then when I talk to the psychiatrist, and honestly, Keenan, there's no, there's no other way to describe it. Yes, there was medication involved, obviously, but God has sent that medication my way. Medication saved my life Keenan: Absolutely. Alana Michaels: more than once. Like I would not be here if it wasn't for medication. But I feel now in my life that God sent me. that medication. So I understand he he sent me the medication that I had in my in my drawer, but he he saved me that he I don't I don't know how to explain it, but like there's no other explanation on why and how that would only be like a 10-day stint of depression. And I had to go with tail between my legs and I had to go to my mom and my sisters. Keenan: Mm-hmm. Alana Michaels: And I was so mortified and I was just waiting for them to be like, we knew it. I told you. And they weren't. They weren't like that. They Keenan: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Alana Michaels: were very supportive, very loving. And they even said, Alana, this was very confusing. They're like, we saw pieces piece by piece, right? We we saw pieces of your hypomanic episodes, but then we would be with you. Like they would see it through text messaging or the podcast or social media. Then we'd all go out to dinner and they're like, She's completely fine. Like this, you know, and that's why it's such a tricky version of what this is. and so, you know, as time went by, I kind of said to myself, you know, I'm not gonna do this, I'm not gonna share my story anymore. Like I'm really embarrassed. you know, 50 pretty much Keenan: Mm. Alana Michaels: the first 50 episodes of the podcast are recorded. During a hypomanic episode of bipolar disorder. Like that's really my cousin's like, it's great. Now it's a case study. Don't delete it. Don't delete it. And she did kind of make a good point. Like, if you know what you're listening to ahead of time, it's actually, I think, even more interesting. And it's still entertaining in my mind. but Keenan: Sure. Yeah. Alana Michaels: I was like, I'm gonna have to go back to like a nine to five, and this is what I'm gonna do, and I was afraid I was gonna lose my faith in God. I was Keenan: Yeah. Alana Michaels: afraid I was gonna lose all these healthy habits. I was afraid that the version of Alana that presented for those six months, just like every other hypomanic episode, would disappear. And Keenan: Hm. Yeah. Alana Michaels: God didn't let that happen. So Keenan: Right. Yes. Alana Michaels: God, you know, God took away, yeah, he took away a lot of the stuff going on in my head during that time. But I remember I went to church two Sundays after that and I was very foggy. And I remember sitting there being like, this doesn't feel the same. Like I would sit in church and I would be like, God is speaking directly to me. And I still feel that way. And a lot of people I think feel that way, but it was to the extreme. Like I like literally would be sitting there and I could almost like almost envision like this these light beams coming out of my head knowing that he was talking directly to me. So now I'm in this, I call it the space between. I always think of the Dave Matthews song. where I am really still pushing ahead with this, with sharing my story and and the podcast. I I actually have a couple more to post, but after that I am taking a pause on the podcast because I started this new platform, I guess you would say, called Bipolar Grief and God. And I started it Instagram just a couple of days ago, Keenan actually, because I was really feeling pulled. Few people had told me, like, you have to put your face to the story. Like, not just the voice behind the podcast. Put your face. Keenan: Sure. Yeah. Alana Michaels: So now I'm just posting these little snippets of my whole story. and I'm really, really enjoying it. And I and I feel that God has just done such incredible things i in my life and Keenan: Hmm. Yeah. Alana Michaels: I am such a believer and you know in February I again a little hypomanic I was reaching out to like faith-based podcasts and I'm like I'm a new believer I want to talk about it I want to talk about it you know so it's different now because now I'm grounded and now my brain is healthy but God is still with me and I just like feel Keenan: Sure. Absolutely. Alana Michaels: like he's like Alana just keep trusting me I got you this far Keenan: Yes, yeah. So wha what's Alana Michaels: And I do. Keenan: your relationship like with the Lord now? Alana Michaels: I love him. I mean, I spend time every morning. I have a Bible app, and I spend time every morning going from whatever verse is on the Bible app and then realize and every you know how it goes. I mean, every time it's exactly what you need to hear. I mean, I I really compared this the other day on one of the things I was recording about I wish I like speaking about God and the way that I found him and my relationship because I don't think. I talk about it the way as a traditional Christian. And this is not good or bad. But I like I started telling stories that I was hearing in church, like turning the turning the water into wine. I had never heard that story. I'm talking about the story on my podcast, like I'm talking about a Tinder date, you know? But it's reaching people, being like, wait, what? Like, wait, is that really the story? Let me chat GBT that story in the Bible. And that's how God, I feel, is communicating to me. He wants me to do it this way. He wants me to talk the way that I'm talking. And you know how it is, Keenan. Certain things get said in certain scenarios and pieces will be shared here, but they won't be shared here. And in this, obviously with you, I'm feeling pulled to talk so much more about God than I would have in one that I recorded that was more about, you know, suicide and depression. and not again, not good or bad, but God is leading me. I trust him. I've never in my life felt so at peace in my life, looking back Keenan: Hmm. Yeah. Alana Michaels: on the turmoil that has just transpired in my life. And I still technically don't have a nine to five. I don't know what the heck's gonna be happening a week from now, a year from now. And I was the kind of person where I would just worry constantly. The glass is half empty. I'm worrying, I'm crying, I'm Keenan: Mm. Alana Michaels: stressed. And it's, you know, of course, reality is, of course, you still have your like anxious like worries here and there, but God Keenan: Sure, sure. Alana Michaels: Has like calmed my heart. He's changed my heart. So I spend time with him and Bible in the morning. I'm at church every Sunday and I pray. And this is Keenan: Mm. Alana Michaels: another thing people are like, pray. I always forget. Forget to pray. I literally talk out loud constantly while I'm driving, in the quick Keenan: Right. Alana Michaels: check, in my bed. Those are my prayers. And you know, the one Keenan: Yeah, absolutely. Alana Michaels: piece, yeah, and the one more piece I will share, because I think it is important, is that during those months, Keenan. Literally starting the morning after my dad died, I actually started like hearing my dad's voice. Keenan: Mm. Alana Michaels: And I always have had a sixth sense. I've always had like the visions, the dreams, like my whole life, things have happened that cannot be explained. So I've always had a gift. And what this man hypomanic episode did was it brought me to a heightened state, and God allowed me to have a really amazing gift for those six months. Where I was hearing my dad, getting pep talks from my dad. I have journal entries where he was like almost writing through me. Keenan: Yeah. Alana Michaels: I felt very again, kind of there were some times that I thought I heard God's voice as well. I'm not putting it past me. It could be. so during all of that time, I look back and my therapist said the first thing when I'm crying to her about when I realize it was an episode. And she goes, Alana, I'm actually very thankful. For this quiet hypomanic episode. She goes, Because Keenan: Yeah. Alana Michaels: I don't know what you would have looked like without that. Losing your dad, Keenan: Wow. Yeah. Alana Michaels: losing your mom, walking away from your job. She's like, and I feel that it was a gift. And now you have all of this new, this, these new versions. I actually nicknamed myself Alana 2.0 during that time. I don't really say it now, but. The the point is God allowed me to have that amazing six months where I was having so many other things going on in my life while still grieving my father, because believe me, I was still grieving him. And then when I got thrown into the bipolar crash, which is what that's called, coming out of the mania into the depression. And then once I balanced back out into this space between, God was like, So listen, you're not gonna hear your dad's voice anymore or mine. But you're still gonna have a lot of what you had during that time. And that was one of the first things that I realized the day that I woke up and felt the depression, everybody's voices were gone. Keenan: Hm, yeah. Yeah. So I mean, everybody can hear this and kind of resonate with all the trauma that you've been through. Also hearing that. What do you think, like people listening, maybe the whole world, what do you think they need to hear? Like you have everyone's attention in the world for one minute. What do you think they need to hear? Alana Michaels: my gosh, this one's hard only because I'm I'm being pulled to say something different than. So what I normally say here in something, this kind of question is our brains can lie. Because especially in depression, like that is the epitome of Alana, you're a horrible mother, you're a horrible daughter, you know, all of those things. And I believed those lies. And a lot of people, it's one of the things I want to talk about with the younger kids, these kids that are taking their lives in in middle school, you know, your brains can lie. And I came I came up with that, that idea during those six months where technically my brain was lying to me in a different way. But I guess what I would say, besides that, is that You have to believe in what you cannot see. And Keenan: Sure. Alana Michaels: in my life, what that means is my mental illness. It means all of the signs and symbols from my dad and the communication from my dad, even though he passed. And the third thing, which is really the first thing, is God. Keenan: Hm, absolutely. Yes. Alana Michaels: And you have to believe in what you cannot see. And even if you don't want to believe in any of those three things I just said, you have to believe in something. Keenan: Yeah. Yeah. Some sort of higher power moral code moral code, something to make sense of it all. Alana Michaels: Yes, yes, yes. Keenan: we talk a lot about faith mental health here. Like Alana Michaels: Yes. Keenan: so someone could be listening and kind of resonating with what you're saying, like, yeah, I'm feeling that way too, or they're feeling they're thinking about getting therapy themselves, but they're on the fence about it. What do you think they need to hear to kind of get them off the fence? Alana Michaels: There's a line that I use a lot. And the line is if you do what you always did, you're gonna get what you always got. It's actually from it's actually from Weight Watchers. I lost three pounds Keenan: That's great. That's cool. Alana Michaels: the three times that I joined in the 10 years of span of my life, I lost three pounds. But anyway, but it was an amazing amazing line. And now Keenan: Yeah. Alana Michaels: I look, now I look back and I go, all right, God, I get it. You didn't want me to lose the weight, but you did try to give me this line. So with that being said, If you are in a place relationship, a mental health situation, anything that you're in and you just feel stuck, and you just feel helpless, and you just feel like there's no way out, and you know, and like you said, people are pushing you to do this or do this, but you don't know if you want to do it, you don't have to do it. But if you don't do anything, this is where you're gonna stay. And Keenan: Right. Mm-hmm. Alana Michaels: I Feel that way, even with my true belief in God, because God will push you, He will guide you to do those things. Like, my gosh, I have to share this, Keenan. I can't, I can't, I have to share this. This I listened to, I heard while in this episode, it was on TikTok. And this girl said, God, she goes, imagine this. Tell me if you've heard this. She goes, imagine this. You tell God that you want a cake. God, please, God, give me a cake. Please give me a cake from heaven. I want a cake. I need a cake. God then hands you flour, sugar, eggs, and water. And you then say, Well, what am I supposed to do with this? You can make your cake. I'm giving you the tools to make the cake. And she goes, you know what? People don't realize God is not a genie in a bottle. Keenan: Right. Alana Michaels: You know, so so my advice, So if you don't want to even listen to that piece of advice, I'm gonna say one more thing to you that my mom said during my depressions that in the time also did not help, but it's true. This is temporary. Keenan: Hm, yeah. Absolutely. Alana Michaels: What you feel in this moment is temporary. So my platform, my podcast, what I talked about in This Is My Brave was called Hope. Hang on Pain Ends. Hang on Pain Ends. I did a podcast again, we were talking about suicide and depression. And he's like, you know, a lot of people always have pain. And I started to think to myself, he's right, like maybe I shouldn't call it hang on pain ends. Well then, my son's birthday is August 18th. And out of nowhere, of course, Keenan, you know how this goes, Romans 818 came across my path. And basically, what that says is I consider that what we suffer at this present time cannot be compared at all with the glory that is going to be revealed to us. So hang on pain ends and these deep depressions that pain will end. And Keenan: Mm. Alana Michaels: God will show you what that pain was for. You will always, He will always come through and show you. power. So if you don't feel comfortable saying God is gonna get you through this or this is a plan from God, look at it from the universe. Look at it from your loved ones in the sky, your grandmother, your father, your ma, whoever it is, believe in something more than this and understand that they or this belief that you have is going to guide you to make a decision that can help you. Nothing is going Keenan: Mm-hmm. Absolutely. Alana Michaels: to change if you don't make a choice. Keenan: Right, exactly. For sure. today. Alana Michaels: my gosh, there's so many. well I will okay, I'm just gonna name a few and they're from different parts of what's gone on with me. So then the one that I just interviewed on that I really loved, it's called Truly Mental, and it's hosted by Joe Samaro, and he has a very incredible story as well, and he He his podcast is is really interesting. He has a lot of interesting guests. Then in the middle of my quiet hypomanic episode, when I was literally just obsessed with like going to church and drinking ice coffees, I came across this this podcast that was called, gosh, Jesus Christ over ice. No, gee like, wait, hold on. With Jesus, coffee over ice, something along Keenan: Okay. Alana Michaels: those lines. and like I said, as far as my own podcast. Hope hang on pain ends. If you're listening to this, you know what you're about to listen to. There are so many episodes that what I've encouraged people to do, if you'd like to listen, is literally just scroll through the episodes. I have a lot of really creative titles, and every title has a different picture. And then just choose something that speaks to you because there's a reason it speaks to you. And listen, and I hope that you get something out of it. Keenan: Absolutely. So hope on pain or say it again. What's your podcast called? Alana Michaels: It's called it's called Hope, Hang On Pain Ends is the podcast. And then now Keenan: And then Alana Michaels: what I have kind of branched off onto Instagram is called Bipolar Grief and God. And that is just literally a bunch of videos of me talking just like this, but not as long, obviously. But just like this, just sharing little pieces of my story piece by piece. Keenan: Yeah. Okay. I will I'll put your stuff in the description so if everyone listening they can find it. Thank you so much for Alana Michaels: Perfect, thank you. Keenan: for sharing that. I think that's gonna there's impact a lot of people, just being able to hear what your your story and relate to it. so thank you so much for everything you're sharing today. I really appreciate it. Alana Michaels: Thank you, Keenan. Thank you so much.