Latest / Authentic Living / Jan and Jillian on being identical twins in psychology, workplace conflict, and their book 'The Boundary Badas'
Transcript
- 0:01Welcome to authentic living with Roxanne, a place where we have conscious conversations
- 0:08about things that really matter in our lives.
- 0:11And now here's your host, Roxanne Durgesh.
- 0:38Everyone, it's Roxanne Durgesh.
- 0:39Welcome again to Authentic Living with Roxanne.
- 0:43I would say that conflict is something that most of us explore whether we want to or not
- 0:48daily as we get into our days.
- 0:51So today, I have 2 lovely young women, Jan and Jimmy and Uhas.
- 0:56And their background is kind of similar to mine, just what a bit different.
- 1:00Both with graduate degrees in psychology, And they have created a couple of companies that
- 1:07kind of provasively speak about relationships.
- 1:09But today, we're gonna talk about one of their particular specialties, which is around a
- 1:15conflict resolution, how that impacts us in the workplace, kind of what are the do's and don'ts
- 1:20of things that we need to know about conflict?
- 1:23I don't know about you both, but I know I'm always learning every single day.
- 1:27So welcome welcome to
- 1:28the podcast.
- 1:29Thanks for having us.
- 1:31And for those of you who can see see them, they are identical twins.
- 1:36And the only thing that's helping little old Roxanne out here is the difference in color of
- 1:41a jean jacket and a peach top, but just for anybody that can see the video and for others,
- 1:46there are you are identical, right, completely identical?
- 1:49Correct.
- 1:49Yes.
- 1:49Yes.
- 1:50We are.
- 1:50Even though we I think as we've aged in life, we have slight differences, but as babies, yes,
- 1:55it was impossible to tell us apart.
- 1:58So tell me, okay, let's talk a little bit about you before we get into kind of conflict and
- 2:04your twins.
- 2:05Right?
- 2:07Tell me about what that's like to grow up with a twin and how did conflict kind of not show
- 2:12itself or show itself early with you, a sister
- 2:16So, yes, we definitely have our sisterly moments even though and we might have different
- 2:22approaches to life, but normally, we have the same in goal, but I'm a big picture thinker,
- 2:28and she's a more detailed thinker.
- 2:30And so sometimes we can not understand each other or hit a gridlock because we're
- 2:37approaching it or seeing it from different angles.
- 2:40So, yes, we do have times where we do have struggles being sisters and we work together as
- 2:46well.
- 2:47So there's lots of different dynamics playing out But I think to being twins, a lot of times
- 2:53when you are, you know, have this business partnership, you are you have to consult with
- 2:58the other person.
- 2:58So you're always trying to consider this, like, we mindset.
- 3:02How can we work on this or what do we need to do versus you do this or all do this.
- 3:07Like, we try to get out of that you versus a me perspective and focus on that we.
- 3:11And I think being twins, it's so much natural to always consider each other before just
- 3:16making a decision.
- 3:18Yeah.
- 3:18We've always threw out childhood.
- 3:20Maybe this is an impact from our parental, you know, childhood upbringing on our parents is
- 3:25that we've always considered the other person before making a decision that might impact
- 3:29either one of us.
- 3:30And I guess you can get it on both ends.
- 3:32Right?
- 3:32You either have twins that wanna be identified and collectively been parented to keep each
- 3:38other's perspective where you have other twins and say I wanna be separate to kind of my
- 3:43explicit identity, but clearly you both ended up in the field of psychology.
- 3:49And did you go to the same universities?
- 3:52Yes.
- 3:52We have the same background education and everything.
- 3:57Excellent.
- 3:57So tell me a little bit about any other siblings other than both
- 4:01of you?
- 4:02Yes.
- 4:02We have 2 younger siblings.
- 4:05And but we're all very closely tightly knit.
- 4:09I think, you know, family values something that was always very much instilled at us at a early
- 4:14age.
- 4:15And, you know, family always comes first for most of us.
- 4:19I would say in terms of that, and you're always considering, you know, how you do impact the
- 4:23other person, but always being kind to one another is, I think, is key too when you are
- 4:28communicating
- 4:29So the values around thinking of the other person trying to come, like, to set, like, a
- 4:34weak consensus versus that I am of course, individually, you're you have your own
- 4:39identities.
- 4:40Like, we you said, my you know, one person's microscopic, one person's macro and kinda can
- 4:45see the That's actually a pretty good synergy between both of you.
- 4:49What I'm curious about is you grow up.
- 4:53You you know, you decide you're both going into psychology.
- 4:56You both kind of take the same kind of paths.
- 4:59You know, you're was there ever a time that you both kinda got into a complex situation that
- 5:05you really had to use the skills that you know of and are obviously quite, educated in where
- 5:12you had to apply it in a way that you thought, wow, I think this is taking us to the task as 2
- 5:18business owners, 2 females, twins, any share with us that might help us understand you a bit
- 5:25better.
- 5:27Yeah.
- 5:27I think can we actually use our skills on a daily basis believe it or not when it comes to
- 5:32operating business and communicating with each other and striving towards our goals?
- 5:37We have to have boundaries within our different companies we operate in terms of keeping
- 5:43everything very organized, what tasks need to be done, and whatnot.
- 5:47So we're kind of constantly using our skills, I would say, on a daily basis.
- 5:52I think too when it comes to, like, our professional lives and our personal lives,
- 5:55like, Once business is over, it's like respecting that, you know, we each have our own
- 5:59personal lives outside of our work relationship and knowing that, you know, work does to stop
- 6:05at some point in time, especially if the other person does have some, you know, personal
- 6:09things that they're doing within their own lifestyle with friends or family.
- 6:13So I think knowing how to balance that and respect each other's personal lives outside of
- 6:19the work relationship is very much key.
- 6:22So let's let's jump right into conflict.
- 6:25Right?
- 6:25And, obviously, like you said, there's you have 3 companies, and the company that you work with
- 6:30is 28 consulting is the one that does the the conflict resolution.
- 6:35Let's talk a little bit about in the workplace what are some of the core things that you see
- 6:40out there that a lot of workplaces, not all of them, but the ones that you work with or
- 6:45struggle with it when reference to conflict management.
- 6:49So a lot of problems we see is that people feel either understood or undervalued within their
- 6:55role within a company, I think was is a big one.
- 6:59And, also, not feeling respected either by their colleagues or even by upper management.
- 7:06And usually when that's occurring, it's because we have unresolved childhood wounds that are
- 7:12playing out within our professional relationships.
- 7:14And I think too, a lot of companies will focus on productivity and performance versus, like,
- 7:19How can we work better together to increase that?
- 7:21Like, we're they're missing the relationship component, which requires conflict resolution
- 7:26when you have teams who are working together to grow or scale.
- 7:31So let's say we have a company that really hasn't fore focused on EQ, which is the
- 7:37emotional intelligence of what is necessary.
- 7:39Like you said, the core fundamentals like trust and transparency, all that stuff that we know
- 7:45very very well.
- 7:47What are some of the basic things that how do you approach these companies with a plan about
- 7:52addressing some of these concerns?
- 7:55I think it's about figuring out what are their growth goals that and, you know, that they're
- 7:59wanting to strive towards, whether the biggest, like, sore spots, like, what's creating some of
- 8:04the conflict, their shortcomings.
- 8:06And so we look at trying to identify what are the three problems that they're experiencing
- 8:11what are the 3 goals that they're hoping to achieve and then create a strategy plan around
- 8:16those things and really customize to their company organization or their teams that we're
- 8:21working with.
- 8:21And sometimes it might be working with, you know, particular individual on a team or it
- 8:26might be working with the entire team and then bringing people together.
- 8:30We've also worked where, you know, we worked with employees and then we worked with the
- 8:34executives and then bridging the gap between those 2 different components selected groups
- 8:38within the company too.
- 8:40So it really just depends specifically on when the company is facing challenges around, and
- 8:45then we, you know, create a custom plan.
- 8:48So you meet the company, really, where they're at based on the strategic plan and what their
- 8:52main pain points are.
- 8:54So, like, what is the objective if it's doubling revenue or maybe employee engagement
- 8:59or whatever whatever you're finding out with your assessments coming in.
- 9:03Now let's talk a little bit about basic fundamental skills for conflict management.
- 9:08Right?
- 9:09What are some of the the things that you think people should kinda know?
- 9:12Like, it's like some basic basic that you think, oh my goodness.
- 9:16They're not They should be doing these.
- 9:17What are some of the basic things that people need to, understand about conflict management?
- 9:23I think one of the biggest things People need to understand when it comes to conflict
- 9:27management is to assess the situation rather than assume that you understand where the other
- 9:33person is coming from because a lot of times misunderstandings occur when somebody's
- 9:38assuming what the other person is saying based on their own perception or belief system yet
- 9:43they might create a greater misunderstanding or disconnecting the relationship by making that
- 9:47assumption because they failed to assess where the other person is coming from.
- 9:51And we do that through discovery questions.
- 9:53They're open ended questions that allow us to further gain insight into the disconnect or the
- 10:00problem that is occurring.
- 10:02I think the biggest thing too is not using why questions because that could put people on the
- 10:06defensive side.
- 10:07So we always wanna say how come or help me under seeing, can you share more?
- 10:11And this allows for a constructive conversation to occur.
- 10:15In that way, you're trying to get clarity as well.
- 10:17Now process, but the person's less likely to be defensive when you're trying to gain further
- 10:21insight.
- 10:23So whatever it takes to kind of we know this term, people may be, you know, listening, maybe
- 10:28going, what's an open ended question, which is the, you know, the who, what, when, and why, or
- 10:32tell me more or help me understand or I don't get your perspective, which is some of the
- 10:36things that we naturally would use obviously with our psychological backgrounds, but the why
- 10:41kind of questions shut people down, which is a very closed off kind of question.
- 10:45So anything like something like as simple as, well, that's interesting.
- 10:50Could get people to share a little bit more.
- 10:53But I think fundamentally what you're saying is when you have 2 parties, it's kinda not we're
- 10:59vetted in our own reality to your point.
- 11:01And the other person is vetted in our own reality, but it's oftentimes the bridge.
- 11:05And I I often see it's like a figure 8.
- 11:07It's a cross section about whatever is being delivered to the other person.
- 11:12It's somewhere in the middle of that, figure 8 things lost with with some of the personalities
- 11:19that you find most difficult.
- 11:21Let's see.
- 11:22If we can pick on a personality now that we wanna pick on anybody's personalities, but what
- 11:26kind of sometimes are the more difficult, scenarios or personalities to deal with in
- 11:32conflict that you, you know, you found in in your business?
- 11:36It's usually those who are operating from their ego in emotion based way of thinking because
- 11:42our emotion if we're operating from our ego, we're in a place of emotion and we're highly
- 11:45reactive, and we're focusing on controlling the outcome.
- 11:49Rather than operating from a heart centered place and operating from our values would be
- 11:54more of a growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset.
- 11:58I think it's also people too who might communicate with either aggression or
- 12:03manipulation tactics, you know, in terms of trying to gain power and control versus trying
- 12:09to be a leader and say, hey.
- 12:10Like, let's talk about this together.
- 12:12How can we get past where we're currently at?
- 12:15You know, in this in past, like, how can we get to the next steps?
- 12:19And so I think each person really needs to have a voice in that process, but the people who
- 12:24have these very strong personalities.
- 12:27They don't allow other people to be heard and understood.
- 12:29They're not allowed to voice their value or have ins input into how you're going to get to
- 12:34the point because they're all about like she said control.
- 12:38So let's say it's a leader, and I've got an ego problem.
- 12:43And there's conflict on my team, and I'm gonna gently tread with me, hopefully.
- 12:49How do you how do you kinda let me know that I'm the issue without toppling the entire
- 12:55grocery cart
- 12:56over?
- 12:57Yeah.
- 12:58So we would never directly come at somebody, but we would help them understand their
- 13:03perspective and validate where they're coming from, but then also say, well, have you
- 13:06considered this perspective as well?
- 13:08What do you think this person also, their perspective brings to the table?
- 13:12Maybe how do How does that perspective also add value to the resolution that we need to
- 13:17achieve?
- 13:17And then we can help them indirectly bridge the gap by validating their perspective, but also
- 13:25finding that middle ground.
- 13:28That's a nice way.
- 13:29Right?
- 13:29Because I think we all I often use the example of, we all have a, our special hue of a a pink
- 13:36lens that we wear we wear and how we look at the world.
- 13:40And sometimes when we might know we need to make a shift, it's the diplomacy with which we
- 13:45get approached.
- 13:46That would, you know, give us, you know, okay, well, maybe I need to change that behavior.
- 13:50I don't like the thought of it, but it's it's it's all in the approach.
- 13:55Now you You talked a little bit about wounds that I don't think we oftentimes get people to
- 14:00share that they do.
- 14:01We bring the ourselves, our wounds, our childhood trauma, all those things to the fore.
- 14:06We bring it forward with us.
- 14:08How is it that you find that that plays out in conflict?
- 14:13So a lot of times when you have an egocentric personality, usually it's because they have
- 14:17unresolved childhood wounds.
- 14:19There's insecurities or in emotionally underdeveloped from their childhood, and they
- 14:23weren't hurt or understood.
- 14:24So this is why it's really important to hear their perspective and validate it because
- 14:28that's not something they really experienced growing up.
- 14:31And they really just want to be heard or understood, but they've developed coping skills
- 14:36and how they're going about it to exert control.
- 14:39But when we hear them and help them understand them and help them self reflect they can get
- 14:46their goal and still be heard and understood, then we open a whole new, you know, universe of
- 14:54how we can actually see things, and they can still get their needs met at the end of the
- 14:59day.
- 15:00A lot of times, they also develop procrastination, perfectionism, which are all
- 15:05maladaptive coping skills that play out in the workforce as well.
- 15:08Yeah.
- 15:09I don't think they realize sometimes that they're projecting their own shortcomings onto
- 15:14the relationship because they're very much in that mean mindset, but whenever we're trying to
- 15:20resolve conflict, there's usually 2 or more people involved, and that requires that we
- 15:25mindset like we've talked about.
- 15:26And so We have to remember that, like, we have to be open minded and hear everyone's thought
- 15:32process and but also be willing to, you know, add value and be in a way that shows respect
- 15:40for other people involved.
- 15:43Now you both written a beautiful book, and I love the title by the way.
- 15:47It's called The Boundary Badas.
- 15:49And I would love for you to share a little bit about what it's about and how would some of
- 15:54these concepts apply in your book or some things that are you've covered in the book that
- 15:58maybe we haven't
- 15:59talked about.
- 16:00Yeah.
- 16:01So the first ten chapters is all about sort of that personal professional development,
- 16:05understanding yourself.
- 16:07Because if we don't understand the relationship with ourselves, it's going to be very
- 16:11challenging to have, you know, healthy relationships in our personal professional
- 16:15lives.
- 16:15And so learning to understand how to operate from your value system, is going to be key
- 16:21because when you're aligned and connected to yourself, it's going to be much easier to
- 16:25address conflict with others.
- 16:27And so and then once chapters, you know, 10 through 28, you will be able to each chapter is
- 16:33dedicated to a different type of boundary that you would maybe want to utilize in your life,
- 16:38and it tells you actually how to communicate and go through that process if your face was
- 16:43such challenges with other people.
- 16:45And so the whole goal is to elevate your value, but then also promote growth in the
- 16:49relationship.
- 16:50So and make it very simple and easy, so it doesn't feel so complex where you want to go
- 16:55into that trauma response and go into fight mode or freeze mode or you know, even Paul, I
- 17:01mean, you know, people please and try to save the relationship.
- 17:04So it really helps people break those old patterns and cycles so that way they can honor
- 17:08their authentic voice.
- 17:11Sounds amazing.
- 17:12It sounds a lot of in alignment with a lot of the work that I did with my first book, which
- 17:16is really having people drop down into you know, the who, what, when, and why, which we
- 17:20know these things, very, very well.
- 17:22And then ultimately, when we have those things figured out in awareness, then we're able to
- 17:27kind of project out to the world, what we want in our world, and what we don't want want in
- 17:32our world.
- 17:33Now when you are working with, let's say, a CEO and compare it to see a frontline person.
- 17:41What it, you know, how is how is your language How is your approach different depending on on
- 17:48whether it's the kind of the upper C suite versus the frontline employee?
- 17:53So the language and the skills are pretty much gonna be the same across the board because
- 17:57we're really teaching communication skills, leadership, growth mindset, And with the CEO,
- 18:04we might be focusing on company values and what the values they wanna operate by within that
- 18:08company that becomes the more or less the foundation of the integrity and reputation of
- 18:14that company where an individual, we might focus on their professional values with in how
- 18:19they operate within their colleagues or team members.
- 18:22So that would be a one of the differences, but really we're focusing on the same overall
- 18:28elevation of the company and our own personal value within the company.
- 18:33Yeah.
- 18:33I think you're just focusing probably on bigger complex problems too.
- 18:37In terms of how the company operates and what their overall goals are in terms of the the
- 18:42company versus an individual, like, such as an executive or employee a company who might have
- 18:46more of a personalized approach to what they want to improve on.
- 18:51But the company we're looking at the entire picture.
- 18:54Yeah.
- 18:54The whole collective.
- 18:57So let's say there's a, you know, a CEO listening and he or she is saying, you know
- 19:02what?
- 19:02We have some problems.
- 19:05What's you know, maybe they have some incidental app more incidental absences.
- 19:09They have maybe a bit more short term.
- 19:11Maybe they're maybe they're unionized.
- 19:13They have arbitrations, and they're not hitting in the mark to your point.
- 19:17Right?
- 19:17Like, they're You know, they're doing well.
- 19:19They're a good company, but I'm looking at the data.
- 19:22I'm thinking, yeah, there's some things that need to be shifted.
- 19:26What what what couple of things could you steps would you might suggest that that's, CEO takes
- 19:33to to to address the concern or of conflict in his or her workplace?
- 19:38So we have, like, a high turnover rate or, like, we have financial problems, and the
- 19:44company is not in at the level it should be.
- 19:47Usually, there's a lack of company policies in place that are really able to create an
- 19:52infrastructure that creates clarity and transparency in regards to roles and also in
- 19:58regards to respect within the company foundations So we really wanna focus on
- 20:04creating that fur like, foundation and infrastructure of policies and boundaries
- 20:08within the company that allow clarity and transparency of how who's responsible for what
- 20:15and how and we're getting there in order to reach the goals.
- 20:18Also, too, I'd wanna assess what have they previously already tried in regards to trying
- 20:23to resolve these internal problems and what's worked or hasn't worked.
- 20:27And what is it costing the company nat what is it costing the company today by not taking
- 20:32action or trying something new that could actually help resolve this and how long has
- 20:37this, you know, problem existed too.
- 20:39So just really trying to explore more about each problem in what they've already tried or
- 20:46what's not working and figure out where to go from there too.
- 20:48Because if you don't assess what they've already tried or worked through, then you also
- 20:53could be doing something or suggesting something that may not benefit them as well.
- 20:59So
- 21:00Absolutely.
- 21:00So looking at kind of I think a lot of times, you know, there's something that comes up and
- 21:05and a solution gets plugged in to to address that one spill.
- 21:09Fill an online packet thing, and they're not looking at the overall picture to your points.
- 21:14If you've tried things and you don't wanna go in there and and apply the same strategy.
- 21:18Obviously, you're missing certain things that, potentially could be a better addressed.
- 21:22Now for Let's talk a little bit about boundaries between men and women and conflict
- 21:27in the workplace, both of you being female and when you go into different environments, do you
- 21:33see a disparity between male females in reference to conflict?
- 21:37Is it, you know, is that too much of a big question?
- 21:40And is it based on sector and size of company.
- 21:42Does that exist, you know, between gender roles?
- 21:46Yes.
- 21:46I believe there's some of that that's out there, but our goal is to try to neutralize and
- 21:51try to figure out, like, how can we all collectively be seen as for who we are, but
- 21:57respectfully understand and respect the other person.
- 22:00So I think if we add energy to differences, you're going to experience more of that
- 22:07inclusion.
- 22:08So I think a lot of times it's better to figure out what's a bigger problem versus so much.
- 22:13And, like, how can we if let's say there's harassment going on, like, what what are ways
- 22:18are we taking action to try to resolve those gender differences to try to get more
- 22:22neutrality.
- 22:23Yeah.
- 22:23We're always gonna get you the root cause of the problem because a lot of times companies
- 22:27will put a Band Aid on it and that Band Aid eventually falls off and the wound just keeps,
- 22:32you know, festering and we're not really resolving anything.
- 22:35So we're really striving to get to the root cause and the root problem of the disconnect as
- 22:41a whole in order to create resolution.
- 22:43And sometimes you see companies moving the same employee to different parts of different
- 22:47business units, and you're like, okay.
- 22:49Well, hold on.
- 22:50They were over here.
- 22:50Now they're over here.
- 22:52And what what were you doing, you know, to address the concern, and they'll go, well, we
- 22:56just thought they would get along better over here.
- 22:59I mean, their skill set would be better used over here, but you realize that they've been
- 23:03like a ping pong ball that's kind of gone over, you know, into different sectors of the
- 23:07business but ultimately the same outcome there's still a drain on productivity and those
- 23:12type because they're not addressing.
- 23:13And sometimes people need some employees maybe it it may be bigger.
- 23:17Like, we know more psychological problems or additional things where they may be needing
- 23:22something a little bit, a big, a bigger of an intervention that conflict resolution can
- 23:26address.
- 23:27Now I think this has been an amazing conversation.
- 23:31We probably could continue that much more.
- 23:34Is there anything that we haven't shared about conflict before I let you go that you think if
- 23:39you can give one sound bite or 2 about conflict, before we signed off for everybody
- 23:44that's listening.
- 23:46I think one of the biggest misconceptions out there is most of the time people are setting
- 23:50ultimatums, not and they're thinking that it's a boundary, but, really, it's a demand or a
- 23:55threat projected onto the other person.
- 23:57And rarely does that create resolution within the dynamic where boundaries are all about
- 24:02operating from a shared value in negotiating a solution that provides mutual respect for both
- 24:09parties in order to thrive collectively as a whole.
- 24:13And I think too, like, our method, we have the ASAP acronym that helps us know how to use the
- 24:194 steps in order to set a healthy boundary and open up those, you know, communication channels
- 24:24to negotiate.
- 24:25So I think a lot of times people will wait too long to set a boundary, and then they'll go to
- 24:30approach the person and the other the on the receiving, and they're like, where's this
- 24:33coming from?
- 24:34Because it happened, like, 2 months ago.
- 24:36So I think it's really important when the problems do arise to, you know, constructively
- 24:41say, hey.
- 24:41Can we talk you know, when are you available to talk about something?
- 24:44You know, this is really bothering me.
- 24:45I'd like to sit down and have a conversation with you.
- 24:48And so addressing it sooner than later is going to be key to maintaining that overall sense of
- 24:54safety within the workplace, but then also maintaining those relationships and the flow of
- 24:58productivity.
- 24:59Yep.
- 25:01As soon as possible resolution.
- 25:02I like it because we know how many things when these get get left and they could start off as
- 25:07a little pebble and then it turns into a boulder.
- 25:10And accept, you know, and then it's harder to address it as it against momentum.
- 25:15Well, Janet Gillian, thank you so much.
- 25:17It's been amazing for everybody listening What am I taking away?
- 25:21I'm taking away just a basic reinforcement that boundaries are about mutual commonality versus
- 25:27demand.
- 25:29So think about that.
- 25:30I want you to kinda go up there in your relationships, whether it's at home or at work,
- 25:34and think about it.
- 25:34How well are you defined within your boundaries and how well do others in your life know what
- 25:40they are and how are you, whether it's a relationship, out of home, or at work, how are
- 25:44you working progressively, to the endpoint of having a better relationship, either at or at
- 25:50work.
- 25:50Again, thanks so much.
- 25:52Now before we let you go, tell us where people can get ahold of you if they wanted to have a,
- 25:57you know, a discovery call or, to find out more about your book.
- 26:00Yes.
- 26:01So they'd like to set up a discovery call in order to resolve conflict or just increase
- 26:05leadership within their company culture, you can go to 28consultancy.com.
- 26:11And if you'd like to get our book boundary badass, you can head over to Amazon.
- 26:16Awesome.
- 26:17Well, again, thanks so much for your time and everyone.
- 26:21If you're needing any additional resource, please reach out to Jen and Jillian.
- 26:25And again, thank you, and, we'll chat with everybody soon.
- 26:28Take care.
- 26:29Thank you.
- 26:30Thanks for tuning in to authentic living with Roxanne creating the space for positive,
- 26:36healthy change.
- 26:37Roxanne is a keynote speaker, psychotherapist, and coach to work with Roxanne, visit
- 26:43roxannedurhaj.com/blueprint.
- 26:47We'll see you next time.
- 26:49An authentic living with Roxanne.