Latest / RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way / The No Contact Dilemma: Distinguishing Avoidance from Self-Protection
Transcript
- Voiceover: [00:00:00] Rise Up Live Joy Your Way from emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness. Coach Kamini Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit. Through these small bites of self visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live, Rise Up Live Joy Your Way. Kamini Wood: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up Live Joy Your Way, whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening. Thank you for spending some time here with me. So I wanna. Start with something that I've talked about before in other episodes, but it is just something that keeps coming up over and over again. So I just have to be honest. I do not agree that no contact is a trend. I, I think no contact is, it is not a trend. It is not a flex. It is not a personality trait. [00:01:00] I, in my client work, have seen it al almost always as a last resort. Now, I'm not saying that that doesn't, it happens, you know, I, I recognize that there are people that might just get upset about something and say, well, I'm going no contact with that person. I'm not denying that. But I think part of what's happening is we're losing, we're losing traction around. The, the heaviness of no contact, um, it gets flattened into these two extremes, right? So like on one side, if you go no contact, you're avoiding accountability. And then on the other, if you stay in contact, you're betraying yourself. And I think both of those actually can almost be oversimplifications of the situation. And. You know, oversimplifications can harm people who are already in this really fragile, confused state. And so I just am hoping that, you know, we can, in, in the conversation, just somewhat slow things down and try to separate a, a few things. Like I wanna try to separate a [00:02:00] avoidance boundaries and self-protection because they're all not the same thing. And if you don't learn the difference, what ends up happening, I, I think, is that sometimes. We can exit relationships prematurely, or we might stay in relationships that are actually quietly eroding you. And it's important to, to recognize that neither of those really are necessarily the, the healthiest thing. So I mean, I recognize that this is a very, um, it's a sensitive topic for a lot of people, but I think it's an important conversation to continue having because I do think that those people who are. Really in a situation of having to decide whether to go no contact or not, it's a very heavy and it's emotionally taxing situation to be in. So I just wanna start with avoidance, right? Let, let's just start there. Avoidance is when we leave to escape discomfort. So sometimes disagreements feel really intense and conflict can feel very [00:03:00] overwhelming. Repair, it feels like it's impossible or just way too vulnerable. And so we exit the situation. So avoidance could look something like, um, blocking someone after one really hard conversation or refusing to clarify misunderstandings or maybe leaving because you felt embarrassed or cutting someone off because you felt like they criticized you. Labeling, just general discomfort as toxicity. So in avoidance, the nervous system is activated, but the environment itself may still be safe enough for repair to happen. Now, I also wanna say that avoidance is not somebody being evil. Okay? Like it, it still is a protective mechanism, but it may be. Almost over rotation into that protection, right? Where it's not always aligned because in order to grow, I mean, sometimes staying and being slightly uncomfortable is required. So just think about that for a second. Like, have you ever left something [00:04:00] because it just felt really uncomfortable and you just couldn't dis, you couldn't tolerate the discomfort and it, it's okay. There's no shame in that. I think we all have done that. Um, especially if we felt embarrassed. Maybe we just jetted out of wherever we were because we just wanted to avoid the whole situation. I also wanna make sure that we talk about boundaries because boundaries are not walls, they're not exits. Boundaries are what I refer to as fences. They are limits. They sound something like, I'm not willing to discuss that. Or if you're going to curse at me, I'm not gonna continue this conversation, or I'm not gonna tolerate insults. Or I need a little bit of space. I need a, I need a, a timeout right now before I say something that I'm gonna potentially regret. So boundaries allow connection, but just under new terms. They're not trying to punish somebody, they're trying to create some structure and, um, they do require communication between people. They require, uh, the other person's capacity as well to respect what it is you're saying [00:05:00] works for you and what doesn't. So someone responds to a boundary with reflection. Yeah, repair is possible. A continued conversation is possible, but if somebody responds to a boundary that you're setting with rage or mockery or retaliation, that's a really important information for you, right? Because boundaries are attempts to actually create safety within the context of that relationship. So no contact is what happens when safety is repeatedly refused. So now if we step into the hardest category. Which is self-protection. Self-protection does become necessary when boundaries are repeatedly violated, when your reality is repeatedly being denied, where accountability is being reversed, right? So like everything, all that blank, it just constantly gets. Shifted back onto you, uh, you're actually blamed for naming things that are harmful. Um, retaliation follows honesty. That's an example. Power imbalance [00:06:00] prevents repair, or it's recognizing that all of those things are invitations to actually self-protect. Because it's self-protection is not about discomfort. It's about being in a place of chronic destabilization. And what ends up happening when you're in this. Situations is you're walking on eggshells or you're rehearsing conversations or you're, you're fearful of speaking honestly. Um, you're also self gaslighting and even maybe wondering if your reality is really a reality, and over time you're getting smaller and smaller and smaller. You're just shrinking. No contact in those dynamics is not dramatic, like a dramatic exit. It's actually self-protection. It's the nervous system preservation that you're trying to engage in. I do think that it does get complicated because avoidance and self-protection to the outside world can look very similar, right? So both involve distance, uh, both do involve us withdrawing, and both involve ending access. But the difference is the [00:07:00] origin, right? Avoidance is a fear of discomfort, but self-protection is a response to a harmful situation. So how do you tell the difference? I think you can ask yourself a couple of questions. The first one is, was there a pattern? You know, did you notice a pattern over time? Uh, the second was is, you know, were boundaries attempted and were they respected? And then the third one is, you know, was repair possible. So when you think of a relationship that might be popping up in your head, that same question, I think the way to sort of reflect on it is, you know, is safety present. Um, was it consistent? 'cause consistency is a metric, you know? Uh, and it's important to also bring up power dynamics because power does distort the ability to repair. So for instance, if we're in a financially dependent situation, um, or if there's a legal entanglement or if there's a parent child history of [00:08:00] overt control, um, or emotional intimidation. Institutional leverage is another one. You know, accountability conversations aren't neutral in those situations because of the power imbalance and the person with less power often gets labeled as avoidant if they try to step back. But stepping back in those situations might actually be their, the only available option in order to protect themselves. Uh, so in those cases, I would say no contact is not punishment. Actually trying to remove yourself from what could be considered coercive dynamics. The other thing I really think that we need to bring and say out loud in these no contact situations is that when it is necessary, there is loss. Right? And, and I don't think that many people go no contact and are completely, um, numb to the fact that there's grief involved. So for people who have gotten no contact with a parent, you grieve the parent, you didn't get. If partner situations, you re grieve the partner you hoped [00:09:00] you were in relationship with. You know, you, you grieve the relationship that never stabilized the way that you wanted it to. And, and it's important to recognize that self-protection and grief can coexist together. You can be clear on something and also still be sad or heartbroken at the same time. Leaving doesn't mean you did not care. It often means you cared enough about yourself to stop disappearing and to stop shrinking. And to stop self abandoning. No contact is neither inherently avoidant nor inherently empowered. It's really contextual and I think that's the thing that gets lost when we are seeing something from the outside. We can jump to conclusions of what's going on for somebody in their life behind closed doors. And it's just important to remember that it's contextual for different people. And if you're going through it, it's, you know, asking yourself, you know. Why did I leave? Did I, did I leave to escape growth or, and was there an invitation to return and potentially just sit through the discomfort? [00:10:00] Or did I leave after actually putting a full faith effort in? Like, did I just have like I was exposed to repeated boundary violations and denied reality and just toxicity? You know, that's discernment and that's important because when we are. Exhibiting that emotional maturity to evaluate that. Um, we recognize that we're not, we're not just gonna willy-nilly go cut people off. We're gonna evaluate what's happening. We're gonna look for if there's patterns. We, we try to set the boundaries. We try to assess safety, and we try to, at the end of the day, we have to choose alignment. And it's important to recognize that there is a difference between those. So I just wanna offer a couple reflection thoughts. Questions, you know, for those who may have. Chosen to go, no contact or somewhat contemplating it. It's just really asking yourself, have I attempted boundaries before I've chosen to go No contact? Was it possible? And also asking, you know, what does staying cost me? And it's [00:11:00] important to answer those without shame. Just, you know, just notice. Notice what comes out for you. You know, avoidance is leaving, it's leaving to escape any type of discomfort. Self-protection is really about preserving your safety and your emotional wellbeing. If you'd like to talk about how coaching can help discern through some of these things or anything else that you might be working through. In order to move yourself forward, professionally, or personally, feel free to reach out to me anytime at coachwithkamini.com. Till next time, stay well. Voiceover: Thank you for listening to Rise Up Live Joy Your Way. For more information, Book a chat with Kamini at www.chatwithKamini.com, or visit her website at www.kaminiwood.com. You can also find Kamini on Facebook or Instagram username, it's authentic me. Thank you for [00:12:00] listening!