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(6.09) Guilt: A Gift from God · Filled with His Love

• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: Hello and welcome to Filled with His Love.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: When I was a young boy, I was looking at the candy on the shelf in the grocery store.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: I saw my favorite candy bar.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: Looked around to make sure no one was watching and slipped it into my pocket.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I did that.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: When we got home, I got the candy bar out of my pocket and began devouring it.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: But as soon as I'd taken the first bite, I felt something I couldn't quite describe.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: The candy bar didn't taste nearly as good as I had imagined.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: With each bite, a knot formed in my stomach.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: I suddenly didn't want the candy anymore.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_01: I went into the kitchen where my mom was fixing dinner and said, Mom, I stole this bar from the store.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: She looked pretty shocked because I had never done anything like that before and said, Well, we need to go back to the store right now and you need to pay for it.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: There was no harshness in her voice, only simple instruction.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: So we went back to the store and I handed the cashier my own money to pay for the bar.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: I no longer felt sick.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: I felt somehow liberated, as if the dark feeling had lifted.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: I had done something wrong, I knew it, and I knew I needed to make it right.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: As soon as I confessed to my mother and paid for the candy bar, that heavy feeling disappeared.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: Years later I learned the name for what I had experienced.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: It was guilt.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: Now, a little bit different situation.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: When I was serving as a branch president in the MTC, I got a call late at night from a missionary in my branch.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: President, I need to talk to you.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: I said, Oh, of course.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'll be there tomorrow and we can meet together.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: No, he responded, I mean I need to talk to you now.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, okay, I said.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, I'll be right there in fifteen minutes.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: I drove to the MTC and met with the missionary.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: He told me that he had seen an R-rated movie prior to his mission and that he was feeling very guilty about it, and that he wanted to get it off his chest.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: Now a third example.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: On another occasion, I visited with a young man who said to me, Okay, before I came on my mission, I stole a pretty expensive boom box from store from a store downtown.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: I told him I was glad he had told me about it, and asked, So what do you think you need to do now?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: He looked surprised.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: What do you mean?
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: He said.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: I thought I just needed to tell you and that would be it.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I said, Don't don't you think you need to repay the store the price of the boom box?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: Uh no, I thought all he needed to do was tell you I was sorry for it, d for doing it, and that would take care of it.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: We talked some more, and I helped him understand that he should send the price of the boom box to the store to make recompense for his theft.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: The first missionary was overwhelmed with guilt over something relatively minor.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: The second had stolen something expensive, yet seemed to feel surprisingly little guilt at all.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: He wanted to confess, but he didn't yet understand that repentance also involves making things right.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: During my years as a church leader, I began to notice something fascinating.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: Some people were crushed beneath guilt that never seemed to go away.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: Others committed serious sins yet seemed to feel almost no guilt at all.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: That made me wonder, what exactly is guilt?
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: Is it an enemy we should avoid?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: Or could it actually be one of God's greatest gifts?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, believed that guilt was primarily a destructive psychological force.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: In his view, unresolved guilt could contribute to anxiety, depression, and even neuroses.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: He was especially interested in people whose guilt never seemed to leave them.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: That kind of guilt can become shame.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: Guilt says, I did something bad, like I said to myself when I stole that candy bar.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: Shame says, I am bad.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: Instead of focusing on the mistake, shame focuses on the person.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just a bad person.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: And that kind of thinking can lead to hopelessness and all kinds of other problems.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: So I began asking myself questions like these.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: Why do some people feel overwhelming guilt while others seem to feel almost no guilt at all?
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: When does guilt become destructive and when is it actually healthy?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: We've all experienced guilt, but what is it exactly?
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: I've come to think of it this way.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: Guilt is what happens when our conscience and our emotions work together to tell us you need to make this right.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: I'm going to say this again because it helps me in my own thinking about guilt.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: Guilt is what happens when our conscience and our emotions work together to tell us you need to make this right.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: And of course, the Holy Ghost and the Spirit are all part of this equation.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: When I stole that candy bar as a young boy, that's what happened.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: My conscience began working on me as I took that first bite.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_01: I knew I'd done something wrong.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: But then my emotions came into play, and I knew I had to tell my mom.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: When my conscience and emotions came together, I used my moral agency to act, to do something about it.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: My guilt prompted me to correct my mistake.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: The missionary who had seen the R-rated movie had a sensitive conscience, one that caused him to act even late at night so he could make things right.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: In contrast, the conscience of the one who stole the boombox was perhaps not as sensitive.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: He knew what he had done was wrong, but he reacted more like someone who wanted to check a box on a to-do list so he could get on with his mission.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: Alma said, Only let your sins trouble you with that trouble which shall bring you down unto repentance.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: When he used the word trouble, I think he was referring to the negative emotion that comes when our conscience is pricked.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: And when he said bring you down to repentance, he was referring to our need to use our agency to act, to correct our mistake.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: I think Alma's use of the word only is also important.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: That one word can help us remember that we should not let guilt overwhelm us.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: We should feel it just enough to help us repent so we can move forward with our lives.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: Elder David A.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: Bednar once said, guilt is to our spirit what pain is to our body, a warning of danger and a protection from additional damage.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: If I experience chest pain, I better find out if I'm having a heart attack.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: And if I feel guilty for the way I spoke to someone I love, I'd better see what I can do to mend the relationship before we stop talking to each other.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'm going to make a rather strong statement here that I've not heard before, but I invite you to think about this with me.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: Virtually all sin has implications for relationships.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: Let me say this again.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: Virtually all sin has implications for relationships.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: When we sin, we distance ourselves from God, so our attachment to Him is weakened.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: Stealing damages our relationship from the one we stole from.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: Lying damages trust.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: Pornography can distort our relationship with ourself and with others and with God.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: Revenge can eat away inside us and can hurt others.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: Pride can cause us to forget God and to put others down.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: Because sin hurts nearly all relationships, we can view guilt as the alarm that calls us to repentance and reconciliation.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: When guilt consumes us, our ability to feel God's love is diminished.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: But when we allow guilt to warn us that we need to use our agency to act to make things right, guilt becomes a gift from God.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: So then the question becomes, how can we learn to experience a healthy guilt rather than allowing it to turn into shame?
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: This may sound too simplistic, but I believe it's the most obvious answer.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: We need to act quickly when guilt strikes.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: When we make a mistake, we need to fix it now.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: We should not wait because waiting can cause guilt to fester.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: Our negative self-talk can grow in volume, and we can begin to think that we are beyond hope.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: We can begin to get to that feeling of shame rather than guilt, thinking that I am a bad person, I'm just no good.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_01: Remember, President Nelson said, quote, nothing is more liberating, more ennobling, or more crucial to our individual progression than is a regular daily focus on repentance.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: To me he was saying, don't wait until shame sets in.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: If you make a mistake, fix it today.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: Do it now.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_01: Repentance is an act of agency.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: We choose to change.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: We choose to make things right right now.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: Why feel guilty when we can watch guilt evaporate by turning away from a mistake and leaving it behind us?
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_01: My wife Lolly is better at this than anyone I've ever known.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_01: If we have a bad moment, we can make it right almost immediately and move on, leaving the misstep behind us.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, that kind of simple daily repentance is liberating, ennobling, and crucial.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: It brings us closer to God and to each other almost instantly.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks for listening, and until next time, let's draw a little closer to God and to one another.