Latest / Tribe and Tribulations With Julia Makowsky / The Soft Launch of Adulthood: Seminary, Yeshiva & Learning to Navigate Israel with Ariella Taragin.

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The Soft Launch of Adulthood: Seminary, Yeshiva & Learning to Navigate Israel with Ariella Taragin. · Tribe and Tribulations With Julia Makowsky

0:00
We know that 75% will probably flip out, whether it's long-lasting or not.
0:05
We send our kids off to Israel.
0:07
But as a parent, there's a fear.
0:10
What if they change from who they once were?
0:13
And what if they don't respect me anymore?
0:16
If your child belongs in school, X.
0:19
then your child should go to school X, whether or not you're nervous that they're going to be frimmer than you.
0:24
One of my friends asked one of our Rebeams, should I keep calling Israel?
0:27
And the ref turned to her and said, well, what do your parents do?
0:30
And she said, they don't.
0:31
And he said, well, is that going to prove a point of friction in your relationship when you go home?
0:36
And she said, absolutely.
0:37
And he was like, I think you have your answer there.
0:41
Welcome back to Tribe and Tribulations.
0:43
I am Julia Mikalski, and I am so happy you are here.
0:46
Today I'm joined with Ms. Arielle Terrigan.
0:49
Hello.
0:51
Of Ready, Set, Sem.
0:52
If you don't know what that is, let me give you a brief synopsis.
0:56
This is a little bit close to my heart.
0:59
My own mother has helped many people go to yeshiva and seminary through her association, the American Israel Gap Year Association.
1:10
But Ariel saw a gap in the market.
1:14
And realized that what happens when they finally get here?
1:22
How do they know what linen to buy?
1:24
How do they know what end is up?
1:27
And I love that because I really feel like this is the beginning of adulthood.
1:34
And honestly, just like everybody else, they need a soft launch.
1:40
So welcome, Arielle.
1:41
Thank you.
1:42
Hi.
1:42
Ariella.
1:43
Now you're good.
1:43
That's okay.
1:44
So excited to be here.
1:46
Yeah, I totally agree with you.
1:48
I think that when they get here, it really is the beginning of independence.
1:51
And it's a big deal to come here for a year.
1:53
And it's definitely not easy.
1:55
So it's nice to hear that your mom also did this.
1:58
But there is that big divide, which is necessary.
2:01
So it's really interesting because...
2:04
Growing up, my mother did not do this.
2:05
She was in PR.
2:07
And I know, but she started doing PR later in life for more Jewish organizations and realized that there was such a gap in the market where there were so many options.
2:17
It wasn't just like, okay, you're applying to the five seminaries that everybody else did.
2:21
And now there are 50 seminaries and 100 yeshivas and all of these things.
2:25
And it was literally so overwhelming for all of these people.
2:30
And there needed to be a guide.
2:32
There needed to be someone...
2:33
Not only who is in your school, but in general, who sees like the big picture.
2:39
And she honed in on this idea that parents need help.
2:46
Kids need help.
2:48
And once that decision is made, though, you're kind of...
2:52
out on your own.
2:54
And this is one of the scariest times for a parent to let their kids go and figure themselves out, especially in an environment where they're being pushed ideas, whether we like to admit it or not.
3:09
It's fair.
3:12
And it's really hard.
3:12
It's so difficult to be in this time without someone there to go like, this is the Makola you need to go to.
3:21
Exactly.
3:21
So that's where you come in.
3:23
So what was your life like pre Ready, Set, Stem?
3:27
Sure.
3:28
So I grew up in New York.
3:29
I lived in West Hempstead.
3:30
I went to high school in America.
3:32
Everything was basically like pretty cookie cutter, pretty standard.
3:36
But when I was a senior in high school, my parents decided that they were going to make Aliyah.
3:40
And like I had always known that that wasn't something that was totally crazy.
3:45
But I never really believed that that would actually happen.
3:47
And when they said, oh, we're baking aliyah, I was like, great.
3:50
I'm going to seminary anyway.
3:51
Totally fine for me.
3:53
I'm a homebody anyway.
3:54
So it was nice to know that my parents were going to be here and help like soften my landing.
3:58
And then I went to Michalá for a year and a half.
4:00
And about three to four months after seminary, I was in online college.
4:05
I was working in a store and everything was great.
4:08
But I was sitting around one day with my mom and she said to me, it's so interesting that when you went to seminary, right, you had to figure all these things out on your own.
4:16
And you're an oldest.
4:16
So you really didn't know what was going on.
4:19
So do you think there should be a solution to that?
4:22
And I didn't think too hard about it.
4:24
But a few hours later, I was like, you know what?
4:26
You're right.
4:27
And within a couple hours after that, there was a logo, a WhatsApp group and an Instagram account.
4:32
And I was like, all right, let's see if this works.
4:34
I'm laughing because in my day when we went to seminary, there's no way like in 20 minutes you could create an identity, a brand and a business.
4:45
It's wild.
4:45
Where...
4:47
There's so much accessibility and opportunity that people do not realize.
4:52
And one of the reasons why I wanted to have you on was because we push kids to get married young, have kids young, create a life young.
5:05
You have to have a way to sustain yourself if you don't have people supporting you and you.
5:12
A lot of times we don't realize there's other opportunities besides being a doctor and a lawyer and going to school.
5:20
There are other things that you can create for yourself.
5:23
And you saw a niche.
5:24
Well, your mother saw a niche.
5:25
Thanks, Mamrie.
5:26
I give her a lot of credit.
5:27
It was definitely all her, but Manishamayim.
5:30
And you said, OK, well, you actually went for it.
5:33
Exactly.
5:33
There's a huge difference.
5:34
You actually went for it.
5:35
And I could really appreciate that.
5:36
You're still very young.
5:38
Everything is new.
5:40
But you didn't let that hold you back.
5:43
No, thank God.
5:44
I knew not necessarily what was needed, but I knew the things that I had made mistakes on.
5:49
And I definitely didn't want anybody else to repeat those mistakes.
5:54
It was all fresh.
5:55
I had just come out of Shanabet.
5:57
So I really was still in that Parsha.
5:59
And thank God, like, I've retained a lot of that information and been able to find ways to create...
6:06
content based on that and also the stuff that I've learned throughout being here in general because I stayed the whole time.
6:11
I haven't gone back.
6:12
I haven't really like reconnected with what was going on beforehand.
6:15
I'm still in that stage very much of being in Israel, still learning everything.
6:19
Now I'm learning it all.
6:21
For having a baby and all those other things.
6:23
But I'm still learning these basic things that are necessary to just about everybody at this point.
6:28
What are some of the gaps in the market, I would say, that you find that the girls and boys really come here with like deer in the headlights?
6:39
Like what happened?
6:40
Yeah.
6:40
Where am I?
6:41
So first of all, the language barrier every single time.
6:44
I don't think there's anybody who comes here unless you speak fluent Hebrew who's like, I totally got this.
6:49
I'm going to figure everything out.
6:50
That's like first and foremost.
6:52
The lack of Amazon, the lack of almost instant delivery is very hard for a lot of these kids.
6:57
And still for me, to be honest, it's very scary that if I forget something like that's it, I have to now go find it or I have to wait for it to come from America.
7:05
That that doesn't always necessarily work the best.
7:08
I love that because it's kind of like a throwback to when I was in Israel and you actually had to figure things out.
7:12
Yeah.
7:13
Or like I went to Sharfman's and we had to go to Paran and you had to go to the hardware store and you had to buy your drawers and you had to build them yourself and you had to do all the things.
7:24
And you're like...
7:25
And I dragged them myself.
7:27
No one's delivering them to me.
7:29
You bet.
7:30
And but we didn't have Amazon on demand.
7:34
There's a very big learning curve, especially nowadays, where you're right.
7:39
Everything is instant.
7:40
Every like even we did have Walt.
7:43
Walt, what are you talking about?
7:45
Like there wasn't a thing.
7:46
You were hungry.
7:47
You better get up and go to the store and make it like it was not a thing.
7:51
And I'm not even that old.
7:56
And it was already a thing because of COVID, but it just came to be so much where I live.
8:00
And all of a sudden I was like, oh, that changes the game.
8:04
So I definitely hear where you're coming from.
8:07
In terms of other gaps, I think finding the lack of American products.
8:09
Now there are much more.
8:10
When I got here, there were a lot less.
8:12
That's a really big one.
8:13
It's hard to find.
8:15
It's hard to find certain things.
8:16
There are things that people are used to at certain price points.
8:18
That's another big one.
8:19
I think that.
8:21
The difference in pricing is a big slap in the face.
8:25
You get here and you're like, oh, those oatmeal packets that are about a dollar, less than a dollar in America are almost four times the price here.
8:32
So I think that's another big learning curve.
8:35
What does the first week actually look like when a girl lands or a boy lands?
8:40
So I'm biased because I had to quarantine for 14 days.
8:42
But the usual rundown is the school gives you an orientation.
8:47
You essentially go out at some point and you buy groceries.
8:50
You buy those things that you're missing.
8:52
The school sometimes allows you trial classes.
8:54
You start with that.
8:54
It's a lot of very basic orientation stuff and sort of getting your bearings.
8:57
There's a lot of jet lag.
8:59
It's a lot of homesickness usually.
9:02
But I find that the school usually does a great job in the first week of just getting you all the information, even though it's a little bit of an overload.
9:09
A lot of it of an overload.
9:11
How do you come in in that first week?
9:13
So we've already started with the girls in January, February time.
9:17
Wow.
9:17
Is what people like don't necessarily realize about Ready, Set, Set.
9:20
And we start working with the girls as soon as they're accepted to seminaries.
9:22
And even before that, to be honest, we do.
9:25
Pretty much everything packing related.
9:27
We walk them through the process of ordering things online to Israel, whether that's through Pack for Israel, Israel Express or Blinket Express.
9:35
We walk them through all that.
9:36
We tell them what's actually necessary and what's a waste of time and a waste of space.
9:40
Most importantly, waste of weight, because nobody realizes how much of how important that is and how quickly that comes into play when you're packing.
9:48
We really do everything with that.
9:50
And then once the girls get here, our job is to essentially soften the blow of landing and make the transition as smooth as possible, whether that's helping you find the products you need, helping you navigate service X, service Y, service Z that you're looking for, whether that's anything from a manicure to a new black skirt.
10:09
to a doctor, a dentist, a therapist.
10:12
We really, we have a lot of referrals.
10:14
Sorry.
10:15
We have a lot of vendors and a lot of really good quality professionals that we're able to recommend because we've been here and a lot of them are tried and true.
10:24
So we're really able to help the girls navigate that.
10:27
I think that that's a huge part of this because...
10:31
You're coming from America where everything is, if I'm telling you the truth, not only is everything instant, but you also have mom and dad there to point you in the right direction.
10:41
Mom and dad at this point, no matter whether they come three times a year or whatever it is, I don't know where the doctor is.
10:48
I mean, I know where Tarim is.
10:49
And I remember back in the day going to the doctor, but it's not the same thing.
10:55
And having a point person on the ground and going, okay, now what?
11:01
is huge.
11:02
Yeah.
11:03
It takes away a lot of the guesswork.
11:05
It definitely does.
11:06
And it's something that I wish I had.
11:08
My parents were learning the system when I got here and they were learning the Israeli system.
11:12
I was busy learning the Israeli system designed for Americans, which means I was navigating my own insurance, not Israeli insurance.
11:19
My insurance was much more specific.
11:21
I was navigating Yerushalayim.
11:23
They were in Beit Shemesh.
11:24
We were on totally different paths and I had to figure it out for myself.
11:28
So it was a different
11:33
It was a totally different way of life.
11:36
And at the same time, it gave me that independence, which was definitely needed and was very important.
11:40
That allowed me to, I guess, develop in my own way and now be able to help people and say, oh, I actually do know where that is.
11:46
I actually can give you a recommendation because I did it myself.
11:50
So when I was in seminary, we had to find our own places to go for Shabbos, which is probably the scariest part because you literally have no idea whose house you're walking into a lot of times.
12:05
You don't know if there's going to be enough food.
12:08
And the beautiful thing about being in Israel is everyone opens their doors to everybody, even if they really don't have enough food for their own family.
12:17
And it's such a wild experience.
12:19
And there are moments, like experiential moments.
12:24
But there's also fear of an American kid who has no idea.
12:28
You're going into a stranger's home.
12:29
We are taught stranger danger.
12:31
And all of a sudden, they're like, no, no, no.
12:33
Don't worry about that.
12:35
Just go to somebody's random house, call this random person who I met one time on an airplane.
12:40
Yeah.
12:40
Yeah.
12:41
Always.
12:42
And go to them.
12:44
So how do you navigate that aspect of this?
12:47
Because I actually think that that is one of the most anxiety-provoking things for a lot of these kids.
12:54
So something that we do not do is we do not necessarily refer people to places because we don't necessarily want the responsibility on us.
13:03
And we know that it's nerve-wracking and scary.
13:05
But Baruch Hashem, we do have family and we have hosted people.
13:08
And it's our pleasure to host.
13:09
We now host Chayalim, so it's a little bit hard to host girls when we're having eight or nine lone soldiers.
13:14
A little bit of an issue, but we do our best.
13:16
But there are definitely resources that we work with out there that help connect the girls to these places.
13:23
Are they vetted?
13:24
So those are vetted.
13:25
One or two.
13:25
The Shabbos Project, I believe that's what it's called, is vetted.
13:29
The person who's in charge of it is vetting both the children and the children.
13:32
and the families, which I think is very important.
13:34
But there are a lot of...
13:36
The cool part about being in Israel is that your friend has a cousin, or your teacher will have you over, or your teacher has a neighbor who has a cousin, who has a friend, who has a dog walker, and here you are.
13:46
And I think that that's part of the Israel experience.
13:50
And at the same time, there are a lot of people who have been hosting for years who are safe hosts, who are excellent hosts.
13:56
So that is also a little bit calming.
13:58
And shockingly...
13:59
More people than you know have family here.
14:02
And your second cousin twice removed or your neighbor who made Aliyah when you were eight or nine years old, they're now all here.
14:09
And I think the craziest thing about kids coming to Israel and people opening their homes is that what happens is you make these connections with people from your past or your parents' past.
14:18
And you end up becoming very close with them.
14:19
And it's really special.
14:22
It's really special.
14:22
Whether that's your third cousin.
14:24
I don't know, somebody who moved when you were very little.
14:27
It's just, it's so special that that naturally unfolds.
14:31
Okay, the therapist in me is like screaming out loud going,
14:34
Okay, but like what happens when the girls and boys come here and they're like, I hate my roommate or I'm so homesick, I'm so sad.
14:42
Like what happens then?
14:44
Do you guys step in?
14:45
What is pretty standard practice for navigating that exact scenario?
14:51
So we speak to girls privately.
14:53
I've spoken with a lot of girls who are homesick at the beginning of this year, at the beginning of previous years.
14:56
That's pretty standard practice.
14:58
I always say, and the seminaries say this over and over themselves, like, all beginnings are hard.
15:04
All beginnings are hard, but also you don't have to put yourself through, like, torturing yourself the entire time.
15:08
It's okay.
15:09
And that's why the schools have systems for this, whether that's, like, the aim by it or the dorm counselor.
15:14
There are people who...
15:16
That is their literal job to help you navigate the situation.
15:19
Certain schools have people who their only job is rooming.
15:23
Their only job is dealing with the girls' rooming situations.
15:26
And I think that that is very necessary because it's a very big part of your year, who you end up with and how you navigate that.
15:33
It's a huge part of your independence.
15:35
But we do speak to girls one-on-one.
15:36
We can't necessarily change the situation.
15:39
But...
15:40
We are equipped with certain tools to help you or connections to potentially help you at least navigate the stress and the anxiety about it.
15:47
How common is homesickness?
15:49
I think almost everybody.
15:50
Okay.
15:50
And it's okay.
15:51
I feel I tell everybody, like, it means that you care.
15:54
And if you're not homesick, that's also okay.
15:56
That means that you are equipped with tools.
15:58
well-adjusted or equipped with tools to deal with that.
16:00
But being homesick is totally standard.
16:03
I was homesick and my parents were in the country.
16:04
I hadn't seen them already for 12, 13 days before I left.
16:07
So I'm cracking up.
16:09
I was not homesick.
16:11
I was just so overwhelmed by all the newness.
16:14
And when I was going to seminary, we didn't have a meal program.
16:18
Like now there's dorms.
16:19
We were in apartments.
16:21
All of a sudden you're thrusted into grocery shopping, cooking.
16:26
Like you had a mini...
16:28
life, like midlife crisis, because you're like, where's my mommy?
16:33
I mean, you're talking to the right person.
16:34
I only got one meal a day.
16:35
And yeah, I'm totally with you.
16:37
I was like, oh, I cook dinner now.
16:40
OK, I guess I cook dinner now.
16:42
Do you find that post-sukhas, the adjustment shifts?
16:47
Because they always said, like, give it till after-sukhas.
16:51
Before-sukhas, it's not real.
16:52
It's not real.
16:53
Because, listen, everyone's family comes in.
16:57
90% of Americans come in.
16:58
And if it's not your family, somebody you really are close to is there and will take care of you.
17:03
If not, somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody will take care of you.
17:10
And so you're kind of in this like weird transitionary time.
17:14
I actually think that from the minute you land till after Sukkis, that to me is the hardest stage because you're not – you're almost like half in one world and half in another.
17:26
You're like, I'm still American and all my friends are coming and all the Ferens and I'm going to my hotel and I'm doing this.
17:31
Yeah.
17:32
And then after they leave, you're like, oh, I have a couple months before Hanukkah, before whatever, to actually lock in.
17:41
Exactly.
17:42
So I think there are the camps of the people who live like flight to flight where their parents are coming, this one's coming, that one's coming.
17:47
And you're right.
17:48
Until Sukkot, it's very hard.
17:50
You're still jet lagged until Sukkot, shockingly, right?
17:52
The sleep part.
17:53
Fixes itself somewhat, but then you're a sleep-deprived seminary girl who's going to bed very late and waking up pretty early.
18:01
So that does happen.
18:02
I totally agree with you regarding that.
18:06
I do think it is the hardest time at the beginning, and it does get better after Sukkot.
18:10
Some people even say to wait till Hanukkah.
18:12
I think for the majority of people after Sukkot, you make that mindset shift happens where you're like, okay, I'm ready for...
18:21
I'm in.
18:21
As you said, like, I'm locked in.
18:23
This is this is my time to start the process, whether that's the growth, the change, the independence.
18:28
I am now ready.
18:29
I've been here enough.
18:30
I have somewhat of a footing and now I'm ready to, like, forge ahead.
18:35
How often are you fielding parent phone calls?
18:38
So I'm very lucky.
18:39
My mom, who started all this, whether or not she intended to, is in charge of our parents' group chat.
18:44
And she manages a lot of parent requests and questions.
18:48
I deal with a lot of it.
18:48
Also, phone calls, we don't get so much.
18:50
It's a lot of WhatsApps and Instagram DMs, Bliayan Hara.
18:54
I would say that they come and go.
18:56
They come in waves.
18:56
The week that everybody got here, it's almost nonstop.
19:00
Then they quiet down for about a week or two.
19:01
Rosh Hashanah rolls around and it's like, oh, we're back.
19:04
Sukkos again.
19:05
And then there's like a slight lull until like the end of Cheshon, beginning of Kislev, where we're almost in Hanukkah mode.
19:13
Because I think the parents also lock in.
19:17
They also realize that, okay, I made it through Yachagim myself as a parent, and now...
19:23
We're kind of whether I was coming to see my daughter again or not.
19:26
Now I'm in it for the long haul, too.
19:28
Do you think there's this.
19:31
Do you think the parents also need to let go a little bit because we're so used to honestly navigating every issue that's happening in our children's lives?
19:41
And then all of a sudden we're like, see, like, I can't do that.
19:45
I can't just be like, see you later.
19:47
Like, no, if my kid is upset, like, I want to step in.
19:50
That's my that's.
19:51
been my role for 18 years.
19:53
Right.
19:53
So how does that look?
19:55
And what advice could you give to a parent who's like, my daughter needs this and she needs that and she needs this and all of these things that are coming in?
20:04
So I wrote this down yesterday.
20:07
My favorite line that I tell the parents I think the most is,
20:12
Just be a listening ear.
20:13
Ultimately, you just need to be a listening ear.
20:15
Your job is to listen and support.
20:18
And even if you can't provide all the solutions necessary, because realistically you can't, you're on a different continent.
20:24
We're talking like different issues that possibly are not even relevant.
20:29
And obviously you're involved in your child's life, but there are not necessarily things you can do anything about.
20:34
Just listen and be calm.
20:36
Because when a parent riles up a child, you're not.
20:40
It is so much harder for the child to be able to gain that independence.
20:44
And I'm saying, I'm a parent of a five-month-old, so we're not really quite there yet.
20:48
But I have seen that when a parent continuously tells a kid that something is not okay or a parent continuously pushes a kid on something, the issue will not resolve itself.
21:00
I've been a camp head counselor for a lot of summers, and that's the biggest thing that I've learned.
21:06
A parent's energy...
21:09
Definitely affects a child.
21:10
And so being that calm, listening ear, being level-headed is probably the greatest gift you can give your kid when it comes to this.
21:18
Also, it gives them the opportunity to spread their own wings and figure things out for themselves, which is not something...
21:25
We do on a regular basis because we want to give them independence, but it's hard and it's so scary.
21:33
Can I ask you from a Hushkafik perspective here?
21:37
Okay.
21:38
We send our kids off to Israel and we know...
21:43
I'm going to be very frank about this.
21:45
We know that 75% will probably flip out, whether it's long-lasting or not.
21:52
That's what we are doing.
21:54
We're sending this off.
21:55
We're sending our kids out in the world.
22:00
But as a parent, there's a fear.
22:04
Yeah.
22:04
What if they change from who they once were?
22:07
And what if they don't respect me anymore?
22:09
Or what does picking a seminary or yeshiva do?
22:16
What are the most important things to look for?
22:19
And as a parent, are we encouraging certain things or are we keeping our mouth shut?
22:26
What are the most important things that you've seen that create long-lasting anxiety?
22:33
Happy kids in seminary in yeshiva, not necessarily post because that you're not there.
22:39
But what are some of the things that a parent can do to help them choose the right place and also keep their head open?
22:49
clear during this time?
22:51
So let's start with choosing the right place.
22:54
You're going to look at every school will present X amount of schools.
22:58
And because they present X amount of schools, you have the opportunity to see what each school values, what each school pushes, and sometimes what each school produces, which is very cool.
23:08
So as a parent choosing a school with your child, you have to choose what's best for your child ultimately, whether or not that's something you hushkaugically agree with, whether or not that's something that you...
23:18
are necessarily the most happy with the product.
23:21
If your child belongs in school X, then your child should go to school X, whether or not you're nervous that they're going to be frimmer than you, as hard as that is.
23:31
Or less than.
23:32
Or less than.
23:33
And a good school, I believe in this.
23:35
Michalala did this very, very well, and I have a lot of respect to them for this.
23:38
I think this was done fabulously.
23:41
They instill in you emunah's hachamim, where you're supposed to understand your teachers and believe in your teachers, but not at the sake of spiting your parents.
23:50
For example, it's a good story.
23:53
One of my friends asked one of our Rebbeim, should I keep Chal of Yisrael?
23:57
And he said,
23:58
Because we had kept it for a year in Israel because really you do it almost naturally here.
24:03
And the rev turned to her and said, well, what do your parents do?
24:05
And she said they don't.
24:07
And he said, well, is that going to prove a point of friction in your relationship when you go home?
24:11
And she said, absolutely.
24:12
And he was like, I think you have your answer there.
24:15
And I had a lot of respect for that.
24:17
I think that that's important.
24:19
A good school and a good rev and good teachers will guide you in.
24:25
With the whole picture in mind.
24:27
And when you're choosing a school, you want to find a school that has an excellent staff, which they all do, that will keep your child level-headed, but also understand the big picture when talking to your child, not necessarily kind of pushing their own agendas.
24:44
Does that make sense?
24:45
Totally.
24:47
We put a lot of pressure on this year.
24:49
Yes.
24:51
It's like this is when you're going to decide who you're going to marry.
24:53
And this is decide when you're going to have your life.
24:55
And this is whatever.
24:58
There's probably a lot of anxiety going into seminary when you first land because you're like, and yeshiva.
25:04
You're like, okay, well, if I don't do X, Y, and Z, then I'm not going to have the outcome of ABC, right?
25:12
What are some of the things that the kids can do or say to themselves when they're in these moments, when they're feeling overwhelmed of, I want a certain life, but I don't know how to get from point A to point B?
25:27
So first of all, journaling.
25:29
I do not like journaling, but picked it up in seminary.
25:31
I'm not mad about it.
25:33
It's a pretty good habit to pick up.
25:34
That's great.
25:36
And it's a great avenue to, I guess, express and kind of think and go through your feelings and thoughts.
25:42
There are a lot of conversations that happen with teachers about how to get from point A to point B.
25:47
And the biggest...
25:49
I think something really important to keep in mind is there is a lot of pressure on this year.
25:53
This year is not going to be perfect.
25:55
It's not.
25:56
It's not designed to be perfect.
25:58
It's designed for growth and for change and for independence.
26:03
If it was designed to be perfect...
26:05
There will be a lot of things done differently, whether that's someone doing your laundry, whether like you wouldn't make that laundry mistake there.
26:12
All the food would be given to you.
26:13
Everything would be handed to you on a silver platter.
26:15
You have to go through the year and make mistakes and experience things.
26:21
So the year is not going to be perfect.
26:23
But it's going to be a year that is worthwhile ultimately.
26:26
So one of the things that I think is really important is to recognize that not only this year is not going to be perfect.
26:35
Don't put so much pressure on this year becoming something to change the rest of your life.
26:41
It might.
26:42
But it also might not.
26:43
It might be that you just gain really good friends or you gain a sense of independence or you gain a completely different religious outlook.
26:52
Wonderful.
26:53
But all of those things individually are a beautiful thing to gain.
26:58
And I think there's this thing drilled in our community of it's going to change the rest of your life.
27:04
It's going to change the rest of your life.
27:05
It has to.
27:06
How can anybody experience something when you have an idea in your head that is impossible to live up to?
27:17
That's why I think setting goals at the beginning of the year and throughout the year is super important, right?
27:22
When I went into seminary, it was going to be the best year of my life.
27:25
I learned very quickly that it's going to be a great year of my life.
27:28
But then I got married.
27:30
Then I had a baby.
27:31
Like, those are also great years of my life.
27:33
And...
27:34
I wouldn't necessarily say that seminary is still the greatest year of my life, but it was a year that I learned.
27:40
I grew.
27:40
I developed.
27:41
I gained a tremendous amount of Torah knowledge and made incredible friends.
27:46
And I grew my love of Israel exponentially.
27:49
I didn't know I had that much love in my heart for that, but go figure, I did.
27:53
I think that you have to just be realistic and set goals of what you want to accomplish as opposed to saying, this is my life-changing year.
28:01
Life-changing how?
28:03
Like, yeah.
28:04
That's a very big word.
28:06
Life-changing is great, but it's not going to be life-changing unless you put that into practice in smaller steps.
28:11
Right.
28:12
And I think that it's important for people to recognize that real change is not drastic.
28:19
Real change is done over time.
28:24
And you're allowed to try something on and see if it fits.
28:30
And if it doesn't, you can put it back.
28:32
I think that people get locked in.
28:34
Listen, I was locked in, loaded, let me tell you.
28:39
And I loved it.
28:40
It was amazing.
28:41
And it totally, it was great for the time that I used certain things from seminary.
28:47
And then also I gave myself permission to change again.
28:51
You will have changes in your life many times over, right?
28:55
We're not the same people we were when we were born, and we will not be the same people at 120 when we die.
29:01
Right.
29:02
So give yourself grace to experience this beautiful time in your life and embrace change, but also recognize you don't have to stay that way if you don't want to.
29:19
I love that.
29:19
As someone who also, I walked into seminary one way.
29:23
I was going back to America afterwards.
29:25
I left seminary with, I think I'm going to stay in Israel, but I also think I'm going to marry someone who's learning.
29:31
And then I married a chayyal.
29:34
And he learns, but he's not a full-time learner.
29:38
That's not realistic for me at this point.
29:42
But I was...
29:44
I was given the tools in seminary to be able to adapt and learn about myself so that when I came to make those changes and decisions each time, it wasn't like out of left field.
29:55
And I think that that was super important as well.
29:58
Seminary gave me not necessarily these tools.
30:01
these life-changing ideas, but these skills to make life-altering decisions down the line.
30:07
I also think like this is your opportunity to explore who you are away from parents, away from your upbringing, and you get to forge your own path while still being connected.
30:26
still having your hand held a little bit.
30:29
And that's a wonderful thing.
30:31
And this gives you like a taste of independence without throwing you to the wolves.
30:38
Correct.
30:38
I think it's nice to have the opportunities to experiment somewhat within the bubble, whereas up until now, you may have felt like you had to stay a certain way for your friends, for your school, for your friends.
30:50
for whatever it is.
30:51
And now for the first time you have the opportunity to, as you said, try something new and try it on and see, does that make sense for me?
30:58
Can I do that?
31:00
Do I like that?
31:01
I don't know.
31:02
Do you think having social media during this year has helped the girls or hindered girls and boys hindered it?
31:11
Because I, even last night, was with my nieces who are looking at seminaries and
31:17
They were like, look, but I already have seen the school because I've seen the tour and I've seen this.
31:21
And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no.
31:22
Like, you haven't seen nothing yet.
31:24
Like, you aren't there yet.
31:26
And you're like, I want you to go.
31:28
I want you to see.
31:29
I want you to feel.
31:30
I want you to look at the girls.
31:31
Is this the type of girl that I want to be when I'm here?
31:34
Yeah.
31:35
Do you think that it's helpful or making things harder?
31:39
I think each resource out there is doing something different.
31:43
I think that what we do is helpful.
31:45
I think that we don't necessarily tell the girls where to go, but once they've made that decision on their own, with their own knowledge and their own conversations, then we're ready.
31:56
That's where we come in.
31:57
We meet them after they've made that major life decision, and we...
32:01
That's where we sort of are like, okay, now you've done that.
32:05
I think that the social media that we're presenting, what we're presenting to them is resources about how to navigate the year and how to go through it properly as opposed to exposing them to the different options.
32:16
I think that's super helpful as well.
32:18
It's just not what we're doing.
32:20
That's not what you're doing.
32:21
But my question is bigger than that.
32:23
So social media, you're saying social media as a whole.
32:25
So I actually did not have social media.
32:28
My school filtered out social media.
32:30
They have a tag filter.
32:30
Yes.
32:31
I know.
32:31
I actually, as much as I would have loved Instagram throughout the year, just to see what my friends were doing in other schools, I appreciated the lack of any, I guess, comparisons, but almost at the same time, Instagram was the only thing I felt I was missing.
32:46
I was so happy that I wasn't able to sit down and watch a movie.
32:49
I was so happy because I felt that I had to kind of plug in and there was no way to turn off digitally.
32:58
You had to turn off,
33:01
physically, mentally, and emotionally instead.
33:03
So I would get a book.
33:04
I would do something else.
33:05
I would go for a walk.
33:07
I would speak to a friend who made me feel calm or whatever it was.
33:11
And there was no like locking yourself in your room and watching Netflix for four hours, which I really liked.
33:17
I'm sure for other people, that's not great.
33:19
It was helpful not to see comparisons in other schools and other places, but I don't necessarily think that would have played as big of a part as the not being able to
33:31
I guess, watch or engage with like media in that terms.
33:35
So it's interesting because my mother started American Israel Gap Year Association.
33:40
And if you've seen like Israel Gap Year, they used to go in to the schools and they had like ambassador programs.
33:48
So it gave girls and boys really an opportunity to see what a day was like or what the dorms were like.
33:52
And they still do that and they're doing great.
33:54
And it's wonderful.
33:55
And it's a beautiful, beautiful thing.
33:58
But I do think that this idea that you said where you're like, OK, it's great tool pre-seminary yeshiva so that you have these opportunities.
34:09
But while you're in it, you have to actually go back to like the 1960s or the 90s.
34:16
like I did.
34:17
And you have to go back and actually learn skills that are like, oh, interpersonal situations.
34:24
You can't just like...
34:26
Like lock yourself in your room.
34:27
You like you said, you have to go out.
34:30
And there's one thing about Israel that I'm obsessed with.
34:33
And I talked about this previously on a different podcast is that in Israel, you find adults playing.
34:39
It's wild, right?
34:40
OK. And the reason why you find adults playing and interacting is because the.
34:47
for a society that is so tech savvy, they still understand the concept of interpersonal importance and shutting down.
35:00
It's true.
35:02
And during this year, all of these girls and boys get the opportunity...
35:07
to even if it's just a filtered aspect of their phone, they still have their smartphones, they still could connect that way.
35:13
They still, if they want a loophole, they can find a loophole.
35:17
I promise you that.
35:18
But it gives somebody an opportunity to be like, oh, you're right.
35:21
I'm not going to just like sit and call X, Y, and Z for 18 hours.
35:25
Let's walk to town.
35:26
Let's get some fresh air.
35:27
Let's go play football on a Saturday night.
35:30
Do they still do that at Craft Stadium?
35:32
Yeah, they still do.
35:33
I love that.
35:34
We used to cheer the boys on them.
35:35
I mean, like, obviously.
35:36
What I think is so nice also as someone who is now Israeli and living here is—
35:41
You're exposed to that culture and that culture never really leaves you.
35:45
Like now I live here, so I get to kind of like take that into my life every day.
35:48
But I see some of my friends who went back to America and took that with them.
35:52
And now they've decided that, oh, they do want a hobby.
35:55
They've seen grown adults who go out and play softball.
35:57
They've seen people who hike, who do these things.
36:00
And they're like, oh, why can't I do that in America?
36:03
I can, and I'm going to take that home with me.
36:04
And I have friends who do that all the time.
36:06
And every time I'm like, guys, why do you do that?
36:09
And they go, no.
36:10
Because we did it in seminary.
36:11
And that's another life-changing aspect that happens over the year.
36:15
You realize that I have other interests.
36:19
You may have never had time to explore interests because of school.
36:21
Mm-hmm.
36:23
All of a sudden you're like, oh, I enjoy that.
36:26
And now I get to kind of fit that into my life.
36:28
And then you get to take that back with you.
36:29
And it's a nice little souvenir that comes home with you in the air.
36:32
I love that.
36:33
I actually went to therapy for something specific when I was here.
36:39
And I actually waited till I was in seminary in order to navigate that journey.
36:45
aspect, away from my friends from home, away from my parents, away from everybody that affected me.
36:51
And it really changed how I saw my year because there was so much purpose for me, not only hushkafically, but also emotionally, where I went, oh, okay, I now understand why this happened.
37:04
I now understand who I am because of it.
37:06
And now I can go into my future with...
37:11
the idea that I'm okay.
37:13
That's amazing.
37:14
Things are going to be okay.
37:16
And I think that that seminary gives you, and yeshiva give you an opportunity to address things also that you maybe have been putting on the back burner.
37:25
So when I say to people,
37:28
Look for opportunities when you're here for the year.
37:31
I don't only mean hushkafically.
37:34
I mean like a hobby.
37:36
I mean therapy.
37:37
I mean creating new relationships.
37:40
And that means finding mentors and understanding that there are so many different types of Jews and find people to...
37:51
who when you look at their life, you go, that's so amazing.
37:55
I don't want to live that maybe, but I can appreciate that.
37:58
Or, but that family, that one seems like something that I connect to.
38:05
And it might just be a small aspect, a tradition they have at their Shabbos table.
38:08
But take that time during this year to really just embrace the hard, the different, and the beauty.
38:20
So thank you for sharing all of these things.
38:24
I'm going to end with a little rapid fire, if that's OK with you.
38:26
Absolutely.
38:27
Hardest week of the year for most yeshivan seminary students.
38:30
Sukkot or Hanukkah.
38:32
Most common homesick phone call.
38:35
Oh, my gosh.
38:36
The I can't find American product X that I miss.
38:41
One thing parents panic about that isn't actually a big deal.
38:44
navigating the country one thing parents should pay more attention to a good cell phone plan most random thing a girl has needed help figuring out i came in today weighing weighing produce at and it was totally totally well deserved roommate drama or homesickness which one is harder i think roommate drama i also do
39:08
Because you can relate to other girls who are homesick, but if your roommates are rough, so pick them good, guys.
39:18
Girls or their mothers?
39:19
Who texts you more?
39:20
Girls, but I love it.
39:22
One thing every girl should learn how to do before she leaves America?
39:26
One load of laundry.
39:28
One thing every parent should not do once the child gets here?
39:36
Good one.
39:39
I guess just rile them up or make them nervous.
39:43
One thing girls matter and think matters more about seminary or yeshiva than actually does.
39:50
The clothing.
39:51
It does not matter.
39:52
I promise you you're going to wear the same black skirt every day.
39:54
Every single day.
39:55
No matter what.
39:55
I did too.
39:56
And then I ended up going into Gula and buying the same black skirt again and again and again.
40:02
There's a reason why it's the best skirt.
40:03
Exactly.
40:05
One thing that matters much more than people expect.
40:07
A good outlook.
40:08
A good outlook.
40:10
After helping so many girls and boys now with Ready, Set, Yeshiva, right?
40:15
Yep.
40:17
What does being ready actually mean?
40:20
I think there are three parts.
40:21
There's the physical ready, the emotional ready, and the mental ready.
40:24
Mentally, you have to make sure that you are in a good spot and ready to do this year.
40:29
It's not going to be the easiest thing per se, but it's going to be great.
40:33
Emotionally, you have to be ready to be away from your parents and be calm with that.
40:38
And that doesn't necessarily mean that you're not going to be homesick, but you have to have come to terms with that.
40:42
And physically ready, physically ready, you got to have all your stuff.
40:45
You got to be ready with everything.
40:47
I guess your packing list, everything that you're going to need through the year.
40:50
And remember that it's OK. You can still get things here in Israel.
40:54
I think being ready doesn't necessarily mean that you know what bus to take or you know where to buy your produce or how to.
41:04
But and you might be homesick and you might have roommate trauma and you might have all of these things.
41:09
But I think being ready means that you have the skill and the tools to figure it out.
41:16
Exactly.
41:17
I think that ultimately what's interesting about something you've built is that we put so much energy into sending our kids off for this year and you guys are helping them develop
41:32
certain skills that they might not develop otherwise.
41:35
And I really think what you're building is such an important thing.
41:39
Thank you.
41:40
And I really think that all of these kids, because they really are kids when they leave and when they come home, they're adults.
41:49
They've created independence and beauty and a life trajectory that they might stay on or they might not.
41:59
But they've had an opportunity that, oh, so many of us would give to go back to.
42:08
And I think that you guys are all so lucky if you are here for the year or if you plan on going to seminary or yeshiva.
42:19
Enjoy every second because it is a time in your life you will never get back.
42:24
So enjoy every minute.
42:26
And if you have any questions, reach out to Ariella at ReadySetSem or ReadySetIsrael or ReadySetYeshiva because they are all her.
42:35
Thank you so much.