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Stop Feeling Guilty For Setting Boundaries · Trauma Free Relationship

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Have you ever asked yourself, why do I keep saying yes when I
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really want to say no? Or maybe you feel guilty when
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you set boundaries with someone. Or maybe you've thought to
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yourself, what's going on inside me when this happens?
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How did I get this way and what can I do about it?
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This guilt you're feeling, or the inability to say no, is
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actually a trauma response that comes from your nervous system.
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And it's called the fond response, or to put it more in
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common parlance, people pleasing.
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And in this episode, we're going to unpack this pattern, explore
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its origins, and most importantly, take steps towards
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wholeness and healing. So the next time that you set
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boundaries, you can leave the guilt behind.
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Welcome to trauma free relationship.
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I'm your host, Tom Philp, and I've been working for years with
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adults who struggle with relational trauma to regain
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trust in themselves and others so that they can experience a
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safe and secure relationship. Let's get started, OK?
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As I spoke about in the opening, how does people pleasing become
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a part of you? How is this something that that
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you've actually leaned towards and use as a coping device when
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you feel stress, tension, overwhelm, or disconnection in
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your relationship? And as I said, this is actually
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a nervous system response. It's primarily created from past
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trauma where you were in a position of having to please
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others in order to keep the peace or maintain some kind of
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connection. So this is something I see with
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a lot of my clients that they really struggle with when let's
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say for example, one parent can become quite easily dysregulated
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so that the child learns to give up a part of themselves in order
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to focus on the emotional well-being of others.
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And a lot of times I'll have clients say to me, you know,
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this is part of my people pleasing.
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I just say yes when I want to say no or I just, I, I just
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acquiesce and I give in when I really feel like that doesn't
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feel right for me sometimes. And then I also encounter
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situations where I want to set boundaries, but I just don't
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because I don't want to hurt other people's feelings.
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I don't want to make them mad. I don't I, I kind of fear their
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response. And it's that fearing of
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somebody else's response and the giving into it that is exactly
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sort of what that fawn or people pleasing response is, is about.
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Remember, there's so only so many options.
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Our nervous system has those including occlude, fight,
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flight, freeze or fawn. And so our nervous system learns
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how to cope and how to adapt based on the different kind of
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environment that we're in. For some folks, it's the fight
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response. That's their go to response.
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That's what they know, that's what actually kept them safe.
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For other people, it's the flight response.
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Going and hiding, retreating to their bedroom, going to a
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friend's house, escaping the situation is how they learned to
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stay safe, stay safe in their body, and maybe even sometimes
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physically safe in their environment.
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And then of course, the freeze response.
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Shutting down, going numb and not saying anything is what
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their body learned to do in order to keep themselves safe.
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And then finally, the fond response.
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How do I step in? How do I keep the peace?
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How do I focus more on other people's feelings at the expense
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of myself? That actually is what keeps me
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safe growing up, often times, maybe this is something you can
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recognize in yourself. Maybe you had parents who argued
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a lot, and as a child you might have learned how to go in and
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actually break up that argument between your parents in part
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because either they might turn that anger towards you or
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because the anxiety was so great when they were arguing.
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That this is how you learn to go and begin to keep the peace and
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focus on others and begin to work between your parents as
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sort of 1/3 partner in order to maintain some sense of peace in
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your household. So finding or people pleasing is
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a perfectly acceptable way to cope with an overwhelming or
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even traumatic situation. And while it has certainly
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helped you survive in the environment in which you were
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growing up, maybe as a small child, even as an adolescent.
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And by the way, this is also why we call it a survival strategy.
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It may be hurting you in your adult relationships now.
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Now you may be wondering why do I say yes when I really mean no?
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Why is it hard for me? Or do I feel guilty when I set a
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boundary as we sort of said in the opening?
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A couple of other examples of how you might find this people
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pleasing or fawning response playing out in your environment
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is over apologizing. And I see this a lot too.
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I see where one partner is real quick to just say I'm sorry, oh,
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I'm sorry without even really understanding what they're
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saying. I'm sorry for what they're doing
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when they do that is they're just trying to keep the peace.
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They're saying, look, I don't want this to escalate.
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I don't want this to get out of control.
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I don't want conflict. So I'm just going to say I'm
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sorry and I'm going to hope that that works.
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I'm going to hope that you'll calm down, or you won't take
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away love, or you won't freeze me out for several days at a
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time. Another way that this might show
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up is minimizing your own needs to avoid conflict.
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So maybe you just over focus on your partner's needs at the
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expense of your own. Maybe you find yourself way more
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attuned to your partner than your partner ever is to you
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because you're constantly monitoring them and their
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emotional response so that you can avoid conflict.
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You can be hyper vigilant as to the response or the emotional
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reactions of your partner as a way to people please, or as a
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way to avoid potential conflict and also as a way to keep
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yourself safe. So part of why this can be
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traumatic is because it's due to the fear of abandonment,
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rejection, or as I said, the loss of connection in your
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primary relationships growing up or maybe even in your
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adolescence, or maybe this became such an entrenched
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pattern in your first marriage in your early 20s or something.
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But what this does is it over. It drives over accommodation.
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It drives you to being hyper vigilant and well attuned to
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your partner's reactions so that their feelings and their needs
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come way before yours. So as I sort of alluded to,
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there's a big cost to this, right?
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What what was the survival strategy growing up has now
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become a liability for you. And it has some real downsides
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to it. Some some hidden costs, if you
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will. First is the emotional toll,
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because often times you could actually be resentful towards
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constantly accommodating others and trying to please others.
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You could be burnt out for sure. You could just be emotionally
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exhausted of always trying to be attuned to other's needs and
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feelings. And certainly it can be a self
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betrayal. This is why I say at the opening
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part of what I've worked and and to help my clients with is to
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regain trust in themselves so that they're not constantly
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relying on these outdated survival strategies that were
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once very effective but no longer work for them in their
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environment. So they're very quick to betray
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themselves and they need to learn how to regain trust in
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themselves. It also very much takes a
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physical toll. So you can feel exhausted or a
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lot of tension or even some conics, chronic stress in your
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relationships because you're constantly over focused on what
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your partner is needing. And finally, it has a really
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hidden cost to your relationship because part of what's happening
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is you're not able to to set boundaries when you need to.
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And so in some ways, people feel like they can just walk all over
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you. And maybe even more importantly,
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you've lost that sort of authentic connection.
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People don't get to see the real you.
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What they get to see is the mask that you wear on the
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relationship in order to keep the peace.
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So I want you to think about this.
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Every time you might say yes, it is a no to yourself.
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So every yes you say to others when you don't want to, I want
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to qualify that. Or every time you set a boundary
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and feel guilty about it, that is actually saying no to
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yourself. So I want to now walk through
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let's shift for a moment. Hopefully we've unpacked that
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enough that you get a decent idea of what that looks like in
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your relationships. And I want to unpack what can we
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do about this? How can we stop feeling guilty
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for setting boundaries? But more importantly, how can we
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learn to stop peace? People pleasing to stop
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constantly being focused and and over attuned, over aware of our
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partners feelings so that we can begin to feel more authentic and
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more safe in our own body. Now I I want to say that as we
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move through this, I don't want the pendulum to swing completely
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the other way. And I've seen this happen with a
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lot of my clients where they really struggle with this people
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pleasing strategy to keep themselves safe.
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So what they do is they're going to work on it and they're going
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to, they're going to make this happen for them.
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And so they're going to stop people pleasing.
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And the pendulum swings so far the other way that they become
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so rigid that everything's a no, everything is I don't want to.
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Then they don't attune to anybody's else's feelings at all
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anymore or they lose any sense of great empathy they have for
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others. So I don't want the pendulum to
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swing so far because because one of the upsides of this is that
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you do have incredible empathy for other people.
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You understand what they're going through.
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You get their feelings. You can attune to them so well
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and you can be there for them and, and so many of their
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emotions that can make you a wonderful friend at times.
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It can make you a wonderful partner at times.
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So I don't want the pendulum to swing so far that you lose this,
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this great gift that you've been given.
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What we want to do is find the middle ground where you're still
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very empathic towards others. You can still show up for them
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and sit with them and in their emotions, but you don't lose
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yourself in the process. So what does this look like?
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Let's talk about the inner shift here.
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We want to make not all the way to the other end, the other
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spectrum, but rather to bring that pendulum just down to where
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it's hanging in the center, so to speak.
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Well, the first thing I think you can do is begin to recognize
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the the signs your body is telling you when you say no and
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start to feel guilty when you set a boundary.
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Do you feel the tightness in your chest?
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Does do you have real discomfort in your gut?
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Does your anxiety spike when you start to say no?
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These are all great signs that your body's telling you that,
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hey, what are you doing here? You're not doing our normal
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people pleasing plan. This feels uncomfortable and and
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actually I'm trying to keep you safe here.
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So something really bad could happen.
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You need to change this no to a yes.
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You need to give in. You need to apologize
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immediately. And so your body's going to send
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you signals that are that says, oh, this is really uncomfortable
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for us to do. And I want you to try to, this
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is what I say to my kids all the time and they hate it.
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I want you to try to get comfortable being uncomfortable
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when this happens. This is not a bad uncomfortable
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feeling. This is not a bad kind of pain.
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This is actually a good pain because what you're starting to
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do is you're starting to challenge your people pleasing
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tendency. You're starting to challenge
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your fond response so that you can pull that pendulum down a
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little bit further to the center and you don't lose so much of
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yourself so that you can, and this is number 2, you can begin
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to stay anchored in your own self worth.
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As I said before, when you say no to somebody else or to
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something else, that is a yes to yourself, That's a yes to you
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that say I don't want to do this, this isn't right for me.
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That's a no to you, but I'm showing up as a yes for myself.
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And so that's a way to stay anchored in your own self worth.
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I think it's also important #3 to explore the idea of
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relational security. Boundaries protect your
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connection. They don't destroy it.
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That sounds really strange, but it's actually true.
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When I see couples, and especially when one partner is
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able to eventually set boundaries, it actually shows up
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as more respectful behavior in the relationship itself, and
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it's actually a more deeper and more authentic connection.
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You're not destroying anything. You're not sending somebody else
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away or pushing them away. You're actually saying I invite
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you to respect me in a different way so that because I know what
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is right for me. And when I say no, I'm saying
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what is right for me and I'm showing up authentically.
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And at that point, they can choose.
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They can choose to connect to you in an authentic way.
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And so #4 consider this mini self check in exercises.
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So before you say yes, ask yourself, am I doing this from a
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place of love or am I doing this from a place of fear?
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Am I giving in because I don't want to upset this person?
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Or am I doing this because I actually want to?
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I care about this person and I want to be able to show up for
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them and this is not a great cost to me.
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So there's a couple of exercises that you can certainly try and
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begin to work on. And then as a bonus, today I
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want to give you a couple of others just because when I was
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writing down all the different things, I, I just came up with
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so many. I didn't want to create too long
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of an episode. But I want to give you a couple
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more that I think are really good.
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And that is the first one is the pause.
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It costs you nothing and it costs somebody else nothing if
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you just simply pause before you give them a response.
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And so you might say something like, let me check my schedule
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and I'll get back with you on that, or I'll think about it and
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let you know. So be giving yourself time,
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buying some time or pausing an answer is always acceptable.
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It's always OK and a matter of fact, it's a great strategy
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because it gives you more time to actually think through.
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Do I really want to do this? Is this something that feels
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right for me, authentic for me, or am I setting too hard a
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boundary here? Or am I not setting a boundary
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at all? So giving yourself the time to
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be able to reflect and to pause and, and give a response back is
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always acceptable. I, I use this one a lot when I
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get calls on the telephone and they're solicitors and, and
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they're giving me some sort of a hard sell.
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And I always say thank you for your call.
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I'm not interested right now, but if I am, I'll actually reach
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out to you. Or I might even say, even if I'm
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halfway interested, I might say, you know, I don't ever make
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decisions in the spur of the moment.
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If you want to give me your contact information, that's
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fine. I'll get back with you if I
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decide to move forward. So there's lots of ways that you
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can use the power of the pause because it just gives you a
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moment to try to gain some clarity and organize yourself
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internally as to what feels authentic and right to you.
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And then the second bonus one I want to give you today is a
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gentle no scripts meaning that you don't have to over explain.
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You can say things like, I appreciate you asking, but I
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can't commit right now. Or you might say that doesn't
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work for me. But thank you for thinking of
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me. And I, I want to say this too,
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because a no is always a complete sentence.
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You can say no, I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me.
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And then you don't have to give a litany of explanations.
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You don't have to go on and on. Well, I've got this and I'm
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really overwhelmed by that right now.
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And I've got some other things lined up and, and, and just feel
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like you're just giving one excuse after another.
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You could just simply say, Hey, I appreciate you asking, but I
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can't commit to that right now or that doesn't work for me.
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But I really appreciate you thinking of me.
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Those are complete sentences, full stops that don't need a
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bunch of explanations. And you can practice those
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scripts and practice those little phrases so that you can
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have those in your back pocket when a situation might come up
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that is most fitting for that particular, that particular
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phrase. So there's some ideas about how
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to begin to stop feeling guilty for setting boundaries or stop
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feeling bad about yourself when you say no, and often times
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comes from this learned response from from a unhealthy
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environment where it was created because it was actually in
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service to you and keeping you safe.
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When you learned how to people please, and you learned how to
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jump in and focus on others at the expense of yourself.
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Thank you so much for listening. I, I really hope you got some
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value out of this today. My name is Tom Phil, but I'm
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here to remind you to stay grounded, clear, and connected.