Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / How to Handle a Boss Who Gives Inconsistent Feedback
Transcript
- Lucas: You know that feeling when you leave a one-on-one thinking you finally know what your boss wants, and then two weeks later they act like you never had that conversation? Luna: Oh, absolutely. It's like the ground keeps shifting under your feet. And you start second-guessing every decision. Lucas: That's what we're digging into today — inconsistent feedback. Not the occasional mixed signal, but a pattern where the goalposts move regularly. I've been talking to people at a mid-sized SaaS company, and one engineer told me her boss would praise her approach in Monday's standup, then critique the exact same method in Friday's review. Luna: That's disorienting. And it's not just annoying — it can actually hurt your performance ratings if you're chasing a moving target. Lucas: Right. And before we go deeper, I want to mention something. A lot of you listening have told us this show has helped you navigate tricky career situations, and that's exactly why we keep it ad-free. If you've found value in episodes like this one, you can support us at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It's a simple way to keep the conversations going without any ads. Luna: Yeah, listener support really makes this possible. Okay, back to the shifting goalposts. Lucas: So the first question is: why does this happen? Sometimes it's a boss who's under pressure from above and their priorities change week to week. Other times it's a manager who simply doesn't have a clear framework for evaluating work. They react to whatever landed on their desk that morning. Luna: I've also seen cases where the boss uses inconsistency as a control tactic — keeping you off-balance so you stay dependent on their approval. Lucas: That's a darker version. And it's important to distinguish between chaotic-but-well-intentioned and genuinely manipulative. The tactics for handling each are different. Luna: So what's the first move if you're dealing with the chaotic type? Lucas: Start documenting. Not in a 'gotcha' way, but as a shared reference. After each one-on-one, send a brief email summarizing the key points and any action items. Something like, 'Just to make sure I'm aligned — here's what I heard as our priorities for the next two weeks. Please let me know if I'm missing anything.' Luna: That puts the ball in their court. If they contradict themselves later, you have a record. Lucas: Exactly. And it forces them to clarify if they're being vague. The second tactic is to ask for written priorities at the start of each sprint or month. If your boss can't commit to a ranked list, that's a red flag. Luna: What about when you're in a meeting and the feedback shifts in real time? Like they start praising approach A, then half an hour later suggest approach B as if A was never mentioned. Lucas: You can gently call it out in the moment. Something like, 'I want to make sure I understand the shift. Earlier you mentioned that X approach was working well — am I correct that now you're leaning toward Y instead?' Usually they'll either clarify or realize they're being inconsistent. Luna: And if they get defensive? Lucas: Then you might be dealing with the manipulative version. In that case, documentation becomes even more critical. And you may need to loop in a trusted peer or mentor to validate your perception. Luna: There's also the performance review angle. If your boss's feedback is all over the map all year, how do you protect yourself when review time comes? Lucas: Great question. I'd recommend scheduling a monthly 'alignment check' — a 15-minute meeting where you review the past month's feedback and agree on a summary. Then you have a paper trail that shows what was expected and whether you met it. Luna: That's proactive. And it subtly trains the boss to be more consistent because they know you're tracking. Lucas: Right. One more tactic: if your boss tends to give feedback orally and then changes their mind, ask them to put key feedback in writing. You can say, 'Would you mind dropping that into an email or a Slack message so I don't forget the details?' Most reasonable managers will oblige. Luna: And if they won't? That itself is useful information. Lucas: Exactly. It tells you they may not want a record. And that's when you start keeping your own private notes with dates and context. Luna: I want to circle back to something you said earlier — the boss who does this because they're under pressure. Is there a way to address the root cause with them directly? Lucas: Yes, if you have a good enough relationship. You could say, 'I've noticed our priorities seem to shift week to week. Is there something happening at the leadership level that's causing that? I want to make sure I'm supporting you as effectively as possible.' Luna: That frames it as you trying to help them, not criticize. Lucas: Right. And sometimes they'll open up about the pressure they're under. That can lead to a conversation about how you can be more adaptable, or how they can give you earlier warnings about changes. Luna: What about when the inconsistency crosses into something more serious — like your boss tells you one thing and then denies ever saying it? Lucas: That's gaslighting territory. And we've covered gaslighting in earlier episodes, but the key difference is intent. If it's a pattern of denial, you need to escalate carefully. Start by documenting everything, then consider talking to HR or a trusted senior leader. But only after you have a solid paper trail. Luna: And if the company culture doesn't support that kind of escalation? Lucas: Then you have a decision to make about whether this environment is sustainable for your career. No job is worth your mental health. Luna: That's a hard truth. But let's stay with the more common scenario — the chaotic but not malicious boss. What's a quick win someone can implement this week? Lucas: Start the documentation habit. After your next one-on-one, send that summary email. It takes five minutes and it sets a new standard for how you two communicate. Luna: I like that. Small step, big potential impact. Lucas: And if you've been dealing with this for a while, don't assume you're the problem. Inconsistent feedback is almost always a reflection of the manager's own chaos, not your performance. Luna: That's an important reminder. So next time the goalposts move, you have a game plan. Lucas: Exactly. And as always, we'd love to hear your own strategies. You can reach us on social or through the show page. Thanks for listening.