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What’s the Difference Between a Boundary and Ultimatum? · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way, whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening, thank you for taking some time out of your day to spend with me.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: I absolutely appreciate it.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: I can only imagine how busy your life is, and the fact that you're willing to take some time out of your day to just spend with me and listen to this conversation.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's I have ultimate gratitude for it.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: And today I just want to talk about a little bit more about boundaries, but this time the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I think there is this idea that, you know, boundaries, the word boundaries is coming up so much, especially with pop psychology, and it's just important for us to get really clear about what a boundary is and what it isn't, how we can set boundaries.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: So today I just I really do, I want to dive into the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: So here's a question for you: Do you sometimes feel upset or disappointed?
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: Because no matter how hard you try, it seems that people continue to violate your boundaries.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: No matter what you do, it's like they just keep pushing back.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's time, maybe, potentially, for you to reconsider how you set your boundaries.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's not because the boundaries need to be ultimatums, but there is a difference between a boundary without a consequence and a boundary with a consequence.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: But let's know that let's just kind of understand the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: Letting someone know that you will put up with something and what you will not put up with some with is one thing.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: But backing them into a corner is something completely different.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: So it is necessary to communicate your limits, and it is necessary for you to say what's okay and what's not okay.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: And it's essential to distinguish that.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: However, when we back them into a corner, that might not be what we're actually trying to accomplish.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: So boundaries are a healthy way of expressing your needs, a healthy way of expressing what you value, what where your limits are.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: But ultimatums typically involve setting not just the expectations, but a demand on the other person.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: And truth be told, no one likes to feel like they're being forced into something.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: Ultimatums can actually create this sense of resentment and it can actually put a strain on your relationship.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: So understanding the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum is important because it starts to get to the intention of the communication, and it can ultimately have an effect on how that relationship goes going forward.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: So making it clear with people what's okay and what's not okay, that's a boundary, right?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's a healthy approach to self-care.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: That's a way to actually promote honesty within the relationship.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: It's a way to promote communication, it's a way to promote mutual respect.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's a way to promote a healthier relationship.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: Because when we're in that relationship with somebody, when we have that clear communication of what's okay and what's not okay, it actually creates a sense of freedom because the other person understands what's okay and what's not okay for us.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: Ultimatums, however, though, are about control, right?
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: Ultimatums are essentially threats that we use in order to get somebody else to do what we want to do.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: Let's, you know, call a spade a spade.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: Parents tend to use ultimatums a lot.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but in let's give you, let's let's talk about examples of a boundary versus an ultimatum.
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  SPEAKER_01: So in a relationship, a boundary would be I really uh prioritize honesty and I do feel hurt when the truth is kept for me.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: If you have any concerns, please share them with me so we can work them out.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: An ultimatum is I absolutely can't stand your lies.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: And if you ever lie to me again, I'm leaving.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: At work, a boundary could be I'm committed to this task and expect to focus on it without interruption.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: So please, um, I'm asking to not be disturbed and unless there's an emergency that really needs my attention.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: An ultimatum would sound like if you interrupt me again, I'm gonna report you to the supervisor.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: From a parental standpoint, an example of a boundary could be um, you know, I'm noticing that there is uh a lack of of understanding or of respect for the curfew that we've set.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm going to need to um it makes me worried, first of all.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: We can share that I feel worried and scared when you're not home at at a time that we've set.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: Uh so I really need communication as to where you're gonna be, and if you are going to be later than the set curfew, I need clear communication.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: An ultimatum would be if you're late again, you're losing your car.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: Setting personal boundaries and relationships allows us to have healthy and respectful interactions, right?
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's a it allows us the room to create these healthy dynamics.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: Personal boundaries allow us to request personal space, they allow us to resp to request uh uh privacy, they rely, they allow us to respect um request respect in regards to how we see things and our opinions.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: And they allow us to feel safe and comfortable within the relationship.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: It actually creates a sense of safety.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: And the truth is in any relationship, we really need that sense of safety.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: And it and it fosters that respect between both of us.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: It creates the ability for our own self-care, and it also creates the ability for us to allow the other person to feel like they have they have a voice too, because if we are setting a boundary and they don't agree with it, now we can have healthy dialogue around it.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: However, with an ultimatum, it really the other person feels backed into a corner and healthy communication is not going to happen because ultimatums generally involve this issuing of a demand or condition to the other person.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: And if that person can't meet that condition or ultimatum, like the relationship is over, we can't ever talk again.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: Now, it's true that not all ultimatums are bad, right?
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: So in some situations that can be constructive.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: You know, for instance, if you're in a situation where there's a serious, um, there's there's a seriousness to it.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: Like if you're in a in a relationship, in a toxic relationship, for instance, and there is some type of abuse happening, an ultimatum makes sense, right?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: That that would be a huge important, like there has to be a demand at some point.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: If you are in um any type of, you know, dynamic, maybe where um addiction or drug abuse or alcoholism is there, there could be an an invitation for an ultimatum based on your own health and well-being.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's not to say that all ultimatums are bad, and it's very important.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: I don't like this idea that there's an all or never, because there's there we're human, right?
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: There's always going to be a can I look at this differently, or is there some something here that I need to take with me?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: But recognizing the role of ultimatums is important.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: You know, recognizing when when an ultimatum might be necessary, as in those examples, right?
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you fail to negotiate, you've failed to set boundaries, the consequences aren't holding, right?
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: And a consequence, again, is just it's not a punishment.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's a this boundary is here.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: If we don't, if you don't honor this boundary, this is the consequence.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: You might end up down the line of needing to set an ultimatum.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: But we if we set an ultimatum right away and we don't give the ability for a boundary to potentially work, we're actually risking the straining of a relationship potentially prematurely.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: But it's important to set those clear boundaries.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's important to really come back home to what's okay for me and what's not, and then building up the courage to have those conversations with the people that you're in a relationship with.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: If you find yourself wanting to talk more about how to set boundaries or just struggling with boundaries, or even figuring out what you might need to put into place, like what is actually holding you back, and you feel like coaching might be something that would be beneficial and want to talk to me about how it could potentially help you move forward, by all means, feel free to reach out to me and book a time to talk anytime at coachwithcomedy.com.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: And until next time, stay well.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Username it's authentic me.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.