Latest / Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce / How To Answer Your Kids' Questions About Your Marriage | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep494

Transcript

How To Answer Your Kids' Questions About Your Marriage | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep494 · Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: When your kids ask questions, you can't answer.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Your partner's trauma is a gift.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: The hokey pokey is messing you up.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: She saw her touch my penis.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: My narcissistic behaviors.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: My managing severe narcissism.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you afraid of rejection?
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: When your kids ask questions, you can't answer.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to Like, what is an iceberg?
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: Go back to the last episode.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: Just kidding.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: We can answer that.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: So for you guys.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: To the Moral Marriage Podcast, guys.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: And uh I thought this would be super cool.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm super proud of something I've done, but I want to um I want to share something I've got for you guys.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's pretty awesome.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: But first, I want to talk about this.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: When I started to have this thought, um, it's like all these people are on my coaching calls and they're they're not sure how to talk to their children, and often I have to say, well, tell them the truth, and I walk them through staying connected with their partner, but still being honest with the kids, taking responsibility, and showing kids exactly how they would use the the tools for themselves with their wife.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Their kids can learn.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so stay with me here.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: You have big, big search topics.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like when I started to search this, top 100 was like instantaneous.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it is it my fault?
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Why is daddy on his phone?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Why does mommy drink so much?
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: This is mommy and daddy, by the way.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, they're pretty much even for the order.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't really matter if it's not like a dad and mom thing, it's like the the topic.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: There's one for the mom and there's one for the dad.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: Exact same question.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: Why did mommy leave?
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: Why did daddy leave?
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, exactly.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so um they just like basically who's asking these questions?
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: Children on YouTube or adults trying to find out.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: Oh no, this is a adults.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, so how so adults are searching Google and Chat Chi BT.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: How do I explain to my children why daddy left?
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, we've just recently done some episodes on you can't use AI for certain things.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: AI is not going to show you how to stay connected and tell the truth to your child.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: The only way you could do that is like using our tools.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like, so for example, if we know that um something we would teach is like if you're expressing a feeling.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: So when you're on the phone, I feel lonely might be something, right?
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: That a wife might say to her husband that a child doesn't know how to express to dad.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll walk you through.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: So I create so this is what I did.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: I created this incredible fucking thing where it's like a library of books that you can search.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, a library of books that you can search.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: A hundred of them, right?
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: A hundred each, men for mommy and for daddy, right?
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: And with little notes for the parent, so that they don't have to read that part to the kid, but they can take in the information that they need, okay?
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: But explain it to a child in a way where we don't try to fix their emotions, we try to validate them.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: We take responsibility for ourselves, we then say this is what one to three things, excuse me, that we can do.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I'll give you an example.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: It might be like um understanding the child's feeling lonely.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, cool.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Not talk about how we're spending lots of time together, understand that they're missing their father in this case.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: So then the mom would teach the child about, you know, we can make sure that we uh ask for what we want.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: So, like, daddy, can we put the phone down?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: We can make sure that we we have gratitude.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Daddy's working so hard and uh he probably needs a break because that part's off the book, obviously.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: We don't explain that to the kid.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: But we might say, let's make sure when daddy comes home, we give him a big hug and a big kiss and say thank you for working so hard today.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: Um So isn't this is not only I don't know if you guys are catching this, but this is not only how to explain it to the children.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: But as a wife, if you're feeling angry as well because your husband's on his phone, he's working too much, whatever that is, you're now role modeling for your child, you're teaching your child how you should do it, and it's actually a little snapshot into how you should probably be behaving when you miss your husband because he's working too much.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: That's it.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: Because you also, all my women are blown away when I tell you that you should be thanking your husband for going to work.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: I've had some angry women.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: Why the should I be thanking my husband for going to work?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: Well, because he you get to stay home with the kids and they that there's this whole thing, right?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: So anyway, it's not only about answering the questions for the kids and opening up a conversation for your child, it's some real insight for you as well.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it actually teaches there's a lesson that's just for the parent, as I say for the mommy or for the daddy, right?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I think it says men or or women, whatever.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a daddy, mommy.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and then it has the the lessons under there, and then you're going to mirror that, and then you're going to show the child how to do it.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: And um, then what happens is we have the winning outcome.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I in no way, shape, or form do I do I think an eight or twelve page children's color, like pick children's pictures and and it's gonna fix your life.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: No, but if you can imagine it's gonna point you in the right direction, though.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and if you can imagine that you're gonna learn a little bit there, you're gonna connect with your child, we're gonna show the proper way so we don't disconnect from spouse.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe the winning outcome with the like one one of the stories, for example, says, and so we played cards together and there was no phones or something like that.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like, maybe that winning example doesn't happen, or the walk that we have where we're all having fun doesn't happen, okay?
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: But the point is you're modeling the correct behavior, answering the the questions in the right way, because I'm telling you, one of the biggest fucking problems is when your children choose a side later, and the disconnection grows stronger between the parent and child, andor especially husband and wife, okay?
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: And so they also end in a prayer every single night that you guys, it's the same one in every book that you guys can learn to memorize, and it's just helping you have the wisdom and the heart to lead by example without judgment, and it's written everything is written in such a way that a child could understand, and then it's got your notes.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm super, super proud of this.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm super excited to release it.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the uh it's on the men's side of my app already at go.moralmarriage.com.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but we have we'll put it on the women's side too.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think that it's gonna be really, really powerful for you guys because if you guys are searching how to answer a question, it's because you don't have the tools for yourself in your marriage already.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and that's why you don't know how to like that's why, oh my god, I can't like please just don't use AI when it comes to your children.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we're doing so much work right now to get Catherine's stuff out there right now.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: We just launched a new um a new ad and a new um uh well basically to to get you guys so that you could get my book to understand me and your husband, you and your husband's cycle, okay?
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: And then you can get Catherine's book, the tools.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's the exact system that we followed in our own marriage.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and then of course there's everything else we learned as we grow together now, but remembering that we both had responsibility on each of our sides.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: And so And we added affordable pricing options for those of you who that can't afford our program.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah, like we added we added some really affordable stuff, so there's really no excuse to not get help.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, you and you know, you just have to get started.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like get on our app and and you know, when someone messages you because you've looked at some of the free trainings, then respond and figure it out, get the help, okay?
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, uh, or you know, if you're searching Facebook, uh that's where you'll see a lot of our ads or Instagram, okay?
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so essentially, uh just know this.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: I want to remind you, if if you don't know how to answer the questions for your kids, um, or you fuck up when you do, right?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you start fixing their emotions, you're teaching them to do the same thing wrong later.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't start understanding them, if you don't start leading by example with the right tools, like you're you're part of the problem, okay?
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so, uh, and this is it's every it's everyone, guys.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: So um Acadia, there is nothing in there about children walking around parents having sex.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Porn.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: Nope.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: Domestic violence, no.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Nope.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: You have to get some real help if we're gonna go some to deeper subjects.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: But we're coaches, guys.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: We're not sex therapists, we're not trauma therapists, we're not therapists at all.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a fucking eight to twelve page like like child's book.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, okay.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: Some of the stuff that people are searching, not not the really intense stuff that requires therapy.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: No, but um, or deeper work, but but at least some of the very easy things that you can do in your home today to make things more connected.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: So it's on our app, go.moralmarriage.com.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: And guys, we'll see you next time.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: Wait, wait, wait.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, go.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: So I don't know if I ever told you this, honey, but and I don't know.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: So kids pick up everything.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: And we we talk about our past, and and especially if we have people over, we'll talk about some of the things that we went through and we want to encourage people, we coach people in person sometimes.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Our kids have known from a really young age that I almost went to jail.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, they they know pieces of our story, and so one time they caught me totally off guard.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: This was only like three months ago, and I think it was Vail.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_01: She said, Mama, why did you say that duo was an asshole?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: And I and they're they're little, right?
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: My kids are seven and five, and so they when they can say a swear word and not get in trouble because they use it in context.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: Like one time my boy was like, Can I just say the F-word just once?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: And then I was like, sure.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: And he was like, That's so fucking, I can remember what he said.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, That's your one.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: You're not saying it anymore.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: It's a bad word.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, but but just to say, so she was like, Why did you say duo was an asshole once or something?
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Oh, oh, well.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: Do you remember that?
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: And I just went through a little bit of the the children appropriate pieces of our story.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: Do you remember that doo used to be really that's what we call daddy dua?
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: He used to be really mean to mama, used to yell, doa almost went to jail.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: So probably when I was saying that he was an asshole, it's because he was one.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: You're welcome.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: But um talking to your kids is again, I wouldn't have a real story for you guys for that.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: There, that's like we have lessons and lessons on how to go, what's appropriate.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like, and I did go a little deeper.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like I reassured her that everything is good and you know it's not now that he's an asshole.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: Whatever she heard was something about the past, and we had a really great conversation.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, well, I the reason that I would have said it was because it's not the right word to use, but that would have been how dua was acting.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: And in that in that moment, that's what I whatever, you know what I mean?
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's a good conversation opener if your child child does ask a question, says to ask a question or questions, as long as you have the tools to be able to connect with your child.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: And the biggest thing is making sure that you can get connection for all three of you or for however many people you have in your family.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: You don't want to triangulate.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: All right, guys.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Well, uh, that gives me an idea.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just gonna write it down for our next episode that we'll film.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um let's give you guys some tips and some lessons on what's appropriate.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: What is uh, for example, a good time to address, let's say, something like porn, okay, or sex in general.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: With your kids?
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Let's let's talk about it because here's the thing.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: Um you know, we're I think if your kids know that you're watching porn, you are making some big mistakes and child protective services needs to be in your home.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: Hands down, hands down.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: Now, having conversations about things that happen in life, you have to have talk to your kids about sex.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, there's exactly so like what I'm getting at is like, you know, think of one specific example of a of we talk about it, and you're like, oh, I just want to protect their innocence so much longer.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, they're already watching junior high fucking shit that we've tried to pull away from their vision.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know, they have kids talking about in school with God knows what.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's things that you can't like unfortunately can't protect them forever.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: No, and you need to be able to let them know at the bare minimum that they can talk to you about with these questions no matter what.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: So let's give you some lessons on that on another episode here.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: All right, see you next time.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Bye.