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Episode 3: Navigating Through Experiences: Therapy Stories · the Unvarnished Edit

Welcome to episode three of the Unvarnished Edit, where two friends talk about what it's actually like to live an adversity filled life.
Be prepared to laugh, possibly cry, and swear along with us.
This is Angie, and in today's episode, we discuss our journey with therapy and how that impacts our current day to day.
Thank you for joining us.
Hey, how are you? Hi.
Welcome.
Nice to see you.
It is nice to see you.
I say that like we haven't seen each other.
I know.
We've seen each, each other, but it's still nice to see you.
Yeah, that's true.
Let's do a little catch up.
You wanna do a little catch up? Yeah.
Since we haven't seen each other, I'm dying to know.
Okay.
So you have to do this with no spoilers because I've only watched the first two episodes still, so I'm still only two episodes in.
But did you finish Bridgerton? I did, and I cried so hard in a couple of the episodes that I gave myself a migraine.
So like mornings.
Okay.
Because my plan was I have a long flight coming up.
Yeah.
And then on that trip, we're on the train a lot.
We have a lot of down to like in between travel time.
Yeah.
So I was just gonna download, I've been saving it.
I was gonna download everything.
Yeah.
And then kind of watch it, but I don't wanna lose it on the airplane.
Yeah.
So no spoilers if you've actually read the books.
I haven't.
But I know where it's going.
Yeah.
Well, it, it's not, it has nothing to do with, Sophie and Benedict.
The crying scene, the crying has nothing to do with that.
Okay.
Yeah, I did see a clip that I did not watch where Francesca was in black, and so I had a little bit of a, oh no, someone died.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well we finished watching.
I don't like to watch shows when they're super popular.
I wait until everyone's done.
Michael has been making me watch Succession.
We just finished it.
Oh my God.
There is not a likable person on that show.
Wait, I think I tried to watch that.
Oh, it's so bad.
It's like I can't stop.
But also it's just like watching family trauma.
Play out on tv.
It's so well written.
A therapist would have a field day with this family.
Yeah, yeah.
It's just insane.
So we finally finished watching Succession and he had to make me watch the last two episodes because I knew they were just gonna be off the rails.
And I just was like, I mean, I don't need to watch another family do this.
Yeah.
I think that's probably why I didn't watch it.
Yeah, don't watch it.
Watch yeah.
And you know what? That's actually a perfect segue into our topic today.
Actually, yeah, because we wanna talk about therapy we don't wanna talk about therapy.
We're going to talk about therapy.
But I'm not quite sure.
There's like a, a want.
Yeah, that is true.
You know what's funny is I was preparing for this, I was thinking about how I talk to you about therapy a lot, but I don't know when you've ever been in therapy.
So I'm super curious to talk to you about it.
Like, tell me, you know, what was like, when was the first time you encountered therapy? Yeah.
And how did that set the stage? Yeah, so my therapy journey is not like your therapy journey at all.
My therapy journey actually started.
The first time I saw a therapist was when I was in high school.
Okay.
And it was, so the summer to my sophomore year in high school, I was a nanny for a single mom.
So I was 14 years old.
It was four boys.
They were 12, 10, 8, and six, and I was 14.
Had just turned 14 in June for sure.
Responsible enough to take care of four boys, and I took care of them from Sunday night through Saturday morning.
I lived with them and the vast majority of the nights I put them all to bed and I woke up with them in the morning.
Okay.
That was my whole entire summer before my sophomore year in high school.
Needless to say, it was quite a lot, right? I had something happen and I can't remember exactly what happened, but it had a whole entire, like, breakdown, at the beginning of my sophomore year in high school.
And so, I went up into my parents' bedroom and I was like, I like need help.
Like I was, you know, crying, anyway.
They got me into therapy and the therapist, and I don't know if this is just what my parents have said or if this is actually what happened, but my parents were like, he said that he wasn't sure if you were telling the truth or not.
Needless to say about all of my past experiences with things now at 50 years old and knowing more of my history at the time, of course, that's what they would say because yeah.
And so, that was actually my first experience with therapy.
Needless to say, I have not trusted therapist.
I have not trusted therapy, that really set my foundation of it.
Like even if I go to a therapist, they're not gonna believe me anyway.
And it was a male therapist.
I am seriously, like super curious.
I have been over the last couple years, with, everything that has come about.
I wish I actually had the notes to see like if that really was the way that it all went down.
I have a feeling it was, 'cause like, what I remember about it was that he was dismissive, you know? Like I could tell, in the thing, but yeah, that's actually what set my foundation.
Yeah.
What an awful start.
A horrible start.
Like if you were talking about having a therapy journey.
Yeah.
A bust from the get go, man.
And I mean, of course therapies, you know, the way therapists handle families and kids has changed so much.
Mm-hmm.
What's known about what can happen in a family behind closed doors and Yeah.
Like of that, let's think this is like in 1990.
Yeah.
It's changed so much.
And also what a crappy way to start out.
Yeah, what a crappy way to start the first time.
I mean, we didn't do therapy growing up, of course.
it wasn't like anybody was asking for it, so I don't mean it in that way, but it was just, and if we ever had, it would've been going to our church leaders for counsel because I was raised in a pretty religious household.
But my first personal encounter with therapy was marriage counseling.
And that was the first time and it was close to the end of our marriage.
There was one time in the middle that we went and it was a therapist that was very, well, you guys just need to get back to what you felt about each other, and maybe this next week you can write down five things you like about each other.
And I was like, buddy, we are way past that.
That ship sailed.
And then so I was like, this is not gonna work for me.
I need someone more serious, more aggressive, like, so then we went and found someone else.
And this person, like I was telling this story that was like hugely impactful in our relationship and stressful and he like couldn't hear it.
Right.
He wasn't in a place where he could hear it and the therapist was like, I think your wife is trying to tell you something really important right now.
And I could see the therapist was like struggling with the dynamic.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
And when we left, he was like, we're not going back.
And I was like, yeah, no kidding.
So we went to divorce court instead.
Eventually.
Good move.
Yeah.
It had nothing to do with therapy, good move.
There's things that with therapy we realize, oh, this is, this is no longer in my best path.
And I could tell, like, of course a marriage therapist isn't gonna tell you in your first session.
Hey, you should, you should dip out.
But the energy and the look on the face of the therapist when he was really trying to get him to just kind of hear what I was saying.
Mm-hmm.
I, I, I could just read the room and was like, this man thinks we are a lost cause.
And you know, to be fair, we both had problems and we were too far down the road.
Yeah.
I mean a lost cause, or just not in the right relationship with each other.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
For sure.
Yeah.
And we both have lots to work on separately.
Yeah.
Because I think that even, yeah.
Yeah.
Have you tried again since then? Have you been in there? Oh yeah.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Yeah, so we did, it's crazy.
I don't know this.
I did, I have done therapy a couple times, and I don't have, so.
I mean, I don't have lots of memories anyway, but it was just kind of like hit or miss kind of pieces that obviously didn't work out for some reason.
Then my, ex-husband went to therapy and, the next time I was in therapy was because his therapist wanted me to join the, session so they could tell me all of the things that I was doing wrong.
And when we were separated, like having makeup on and wearing a sweater that looked nice on me when I left to go to work.
An ambush.
Yeah.
Like he, as the, narcissist he is, was able to convince his therapist that it was all me, and of course nothing was him.
So that was that next reiteration of therapy.
Okay.
So oh, for two, oh, for four so far.
Mm-hmm.
And then, when I had the big diagnosis, I went back to therapy.
And that was you were, you were in prison when I was in therapy then.
Okay.
And I lasted with her the longest time.
And so I was in therapy for.
I think it was like just over a year I was in therapy with her.
Okay.
And, saw her weekly.
Mm-hmm.
Just wasn't a very good fit.
Like she supposedly had all of the, experience for severe dissociative disorders.
But her experiences didn't match lived experience.
And so there was kind of like, it just got to a point, like I'm, I'm not actually progressing.
I actually progress more on my, on my own.
But it was really nice to one, get the diagnosis, because, yeah, it was just nice to have that and just know, okay, there was another like concrete real piece to it.
Mm-hmm.
That was nice.
And to be able to talk to somebody who has experience with others and just kind of have that kind of safe space on the thing.
But, but in relationship, there was a couple things that she did that kind of, that kind severed some of that.
So had that kind of relationship rupture in it.
But she didn't think that she did any, like to her it wasn't a rupture.
Right.
And, just realized that, you know, I had gotten what I could out of therapy and I actually was progressing more in some of the other things that I was doing outside of therapy.
Like body work and, you know, other kind of personal work that I've always done, you know, for the last 20 years that, yeah, I was getting further than that.
So like I did therapy and it actually ended on a, a decent note.
Okay.
It really helped in that kind of, years time to, it gave me the support that I needed in the moment.
Yeah, I think that would categorize sort of my next experience with therapy, which after I got divorced, I also went through, a big maternal trauma and, it was just like world shattering for me, those two things together.
And so I started with talk therapy, someone who still, to this day I would credit with helping me get out of bed and be okay.
Mm-hmm.
Functioning right.
Helped me talk through a lot of the things that were going on and build sort of some coping skills to manage the changed relationship where I was shifting from, you know, being married to being a co-parent that shifted a lot of relationships, you know, divorce, especially when we had been together for so long.
It changes a lot of your friendships and family relationships and things like that.
And then I would see her off and on.
And then around the time that I got clean, I saw her for a little bit and then, which that was hard because when I went back to her for that time, I had to admit to her that I had been abusing prescription drugs.
When I was seeing her previously and I had been lying to her, and, that was hard, right? To have to come clean and say, yeah, you helped me a lot, but also I was a drug addict at the time.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
And just a really high functioning one.
And then when, when it was time to go to prison, I spent some time with her trying to navigate how I was gonna take care of myself and.
What was gonna happen there.
And then, when I came home.
I felt like, I, you know, I saw a counselor in prison, but that's a whole different ball game, y'all.
I bet That doesn't mean you're getting any help whatsoever.
Mm-hmm.
It means that you have access to medication and I really needed anxiety and depression medication very badly when I was incarcerated.
And so that's.
There was no help, whatsoever from that person.
And that's because the system isn't set up for that person to actually give you help, right? Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
So you could be in front of the most caring person ever, and what they're able to do is not what is necessary anyway.
Then when I came home, it was clear that I needed a different kind of therapy.
Especially because I got into a relationship that was like so toxic and so bad, and I could not believe I was doing this again.
And I was like, this has to stop.
Like something has to change.
And so that's when I started EMDR, which has been nothing short of life changing, nothing short of life saving, and nothing other than incredibly difficult.
Yeah.
So lots of like different, I guess, sections, right? And it sounded kind of the same way for you, there's like, I'm here and a need is getting met and I'm okay enough to move on to the next thing.
Mm-hmm.
But what's underneath it is still bubbling.
with being a trained polarity therapist and hypnotherapist, and life coach, my, body work.
And the hypnotherapy that I have received in my life has done way more for my healing, like way more than talk therapy ever had.
I was, having this conversation with my bonus daughter just last week.
We were, on her way to, her therapy appointment i'm reading this book, called Mattering, which is so good.
It's so good.
Mm-hmm.
And so we were talking about that book and, she's like, I really like psychology.
And I said, yeah.
I said, you know, it's not psychology for me that I like.
The most is the neuroscience and the neurobiology and all of those pieces.
Because for me, and this is just like what worked for me is, talk therapy did not help me identify the reasons behind my body responding the way that it did.
Once I had those like neurobiological reasons, once I had the neuroscience reasons, the science behind it, like what was actually happening in my body, I was able to go oh, I had more control and ways to identify it when it was happening and so the shame and the experiences that I had around reacting the way that I did, or around failed relationships or around parenting or around, any of those pieces.
Knowing how my body was responding, why my body was responding that way, that it was actually designed that way and it was just trying to keep me safe has done just way more for me than talk therapy ever could.
Yeah, and I think, you know, you're kind of saying that too with the EMDR right? Is we're like working on the subconscious pieces that you can't get to in talk therapy.
Not that talk therapy doesn't serve its purpose because it absolutely positively does.
But for me, when it comes to thinking about therapy, I think more of like the body work and yeah.
Those kind of pieces.
Probably because I do have a severe dissociative disorder there.
That's really the only way that I can access a lot of the stuff.
That makes sense.
I view it as like talk therapy has helped me navigate and develop a coping skill to manage a situation until I can get to a head space where I can dig deeper into it.
And sometimes it's just helped me get clarity, like I just need someone to listen to my thoughts and help me assemble them in the right order, right? Mm-hmm.
What has been interesting is I have never, I struggle to believe a diagnosis when it's given to me rightfully so that's And so when I see, the first time I saw that I had been diagnosed, I saw it on paper.
Right? Nobody told me.
I saw it on a piece of paper that I had been diagnosed with an attachment, just an attachment disorder.
I was like, whatever.
That's so stupid.
No, I don't.
And then, I went to who I'm seeing now and she said, you know, kind of, what are we doing? And I told her, I said, well, I don't believe it, but I like, got diagnosed one time with an attachment disorder.
And she said, okay, well how come you don't believe that? And I was like, because I don't feel it.
I just don't think it.
And she said, all right, who diagnosed you? And I was like, a psychiatrist.
She's like, was it someone you were seeing? Yeah.
Was it someone that was asking you questions and doing the assessment? Uhhuh? And she was like, mm-hmm.
Okay.
And I think she kind of learned from that, that.
I wasn't gonna buy into whatever, if she said out loud to me, you have this, you have that, that we were just gonna have to do work.
Mm-hmm.
And get through work and not worry about what it was called.
Mm-hmm.
And so when I logged in to do my assessments about a year ago and saw that she had had me doing the PTSD assessment, I didn't do it.
I went to the next appointment and I said, why would you give me this assessment? This is how thick my head is sometimes.
And she was like, well, sweetie, you know? Mm-hmm.
And we talked through it and we talked about what it, what it means to have PTSD, what it means to have C-PTSD the difference in the DSM and all of these things.
And it's taken me over a year to accept that.
I, I actually probably do show a lot of signs and I don't tell anyone I, you know, if Michael's listening to this, this might be the first time he's heard me say that out loud, those pieces of information and the work I've had in therapy, adding on the neuroscience that I learned more and more from my time with you at work has been like puzzle pieces that clicked.
Yeah.
Like I have PTSD and the way that I know that is when I'm in these types of situations, my body does the following things.
And it's like those things had to come together for me.
To finally start to be able to function better.
Like all of a sudden when I wear headphones at the grocery store, I'm not a mess for two days afterwards, where before I was just like, oh, I'm so frazzled.
I must just be so busy today when in reality, like loud noise and people standing behind me is so hard for me.
Mm-hmm.
Right.
And so it wasn't until I started And they don't teach you that in therapy? No.
Don't, and my therapist is amazing.
Mm-hmm.
And we've never had a conversation about protective factors.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
So adding in these body work and understanding your nervous system and regulation has been life-changing.
Yeah.
I mean, honestly, it was just that that changed.
Absolutely everything in my life.
And, so much so that when it came to the realization of where we're at right now, right? Mm-hmm.
And, My husband and I were having conversations and he's like, Hmm, I think you dissociate.
And I was like, whatcha talking about I don't dissociate, duh.
Because like, we're not supposed to know we dissociate.
That's literally the effect.
That's I, yeah, that's the whole entire point.
And he's.
I don't really think I, I I think it's maybe more than you think it is.
And so, you know, having those conversations and then the learning from that and honestly getting my, Garmin watch that tracked my stress levels was what, like so eye-opening for me.
We could be driving down the road and I am driving.
And, we're going between Kingman and Phoenix, so it's like three and a half hours.
And that was always our time to talk.
And, you know how it is in the car, right? Mm-hmm.
And I would look and my watch and I'd be zero.
My stress low.
I was literally zero.
I'm like, so nothing's going on.
Like I'm driving, I'm talking, we're having deep conversations.
Am I breathing And there's literally like I'm the most rested I could possibly ever be like that.
That does not makes sense physiologically that does not make sense.
We can be having an argument and I am literally in a rest state where I could be resting and we could be just watching a show or doing nothing, sitting outside by the fire with a cup of coffee, you know, whatever in my stress levels are to a hundred, I maxed out.
And so that was like things that information that I would've never gotten any other Yeah.
way, right? If I didn't know what was actually going on in my body.
Yeah, I mean, you're the one that clued me into that because I was wearing a Whoop for like years.
And one day I texted you and then another friend of ours in that group chat, do you remember? And I said, Hey guys, I thought my whoop was broken.
I was like, Hey guys, something just happened and my heart is beating outta my chest.
My whole body is like in a panic mode, but when I look at my stress level, it's at zero.
And both of you almost immediately text back and you were like, oh honey, you're dissociating.
And I was like, what? No clue.
Yeah.
Here I am, 50 years old, been through therapy, multiple therapists doing tons of therapy work, and nobody has told me that I'm doing this.
Yeah.
But it just is so fluid.
Yeah.
Right.
You're here and then you're not, and the only way you know is by looking at a device.
Yeah.
I was shocked.
I stopped wearing my Whoop because it was so.
Overwhelming for me.
Because I would sit there at night and I would look at the stress points of my day and I would try and figure out, okay, what happened when it hit this and what happened when it hit this? And it was becoming like addiction to data.
Mm-hmm.
To prove that it was okay to feel how I was feeling.
Mm-hmm.
And so, I think it's enough for me to just know that.
Sometimes I just tune out and I just have to trust my brain to do the right thing.
So we call that in our house, it's either dissociation for the win or dissociation for the loss Sometimes, you know, when I don't remember or there's been some kind of interaction, it's like, Ooh, that was dissociation for the loss, sorry, wasn't present, and I have no clue as to what happened.
So can somebody like.
Clue me in.
And then the other times, like when I have to, clean the wound off my husband's back right now, that is literally dissociation for the wind because it's so disgusting.
Yeah.
Like, okay, but I can do.
It'd be great if there was like a button we can push like, right.
I'm ready to dissociate right now.
I guess there's probably a way we could put ourself there by thinking of certain things or putting ourselves in certain situations.
But, mm-hmm.
I wish I had more control over it and had more say in it, but at the same time.
Yeah.
Not the way it's set up just to trust my brain.
Which is hard to do sometimes.
Yeah.
It's hard to do sometimes.
Recognizing, understanding the whole.
Safety piece.
Yeah.
Why, why we do, which I think, I think that is kind of like really brings us into that next question is when you've been in therapy and it hasn't worked, like why did it not? And I, I think that question also can be, is like.
When we're talking about traditional talk therapy, right? When we're talking about that, like where do, where does it miss the mark? 'cause like this is where it misses the mark for me.
Right? And I think when I have been in therapy, and it's.
Because my, my therapy past is so checkered.
I've really had terrible therapists.
And it's understanding that therapists are just human and they only know what they know.
They haven't experienced your life.
A lot of times.
They may have only experienced what you're experiencing through reading it in a textbook.
Yeah.
there's also a lot of therapists who go into therapy, because they themselves have their own stories their experience and they are working through their own processes.
They're working through their own stories while also trying to help other people work through, their stories.
And, kind of just recognizing that you can only know so much as a human and if you've not experienced it.
You really don't.
And even sometimes if you have experienced, you've never experienced in the exact same way.
Yeah.
And so I think, you know, of course, back in the early nineties when I initially went to therapy, therapy was so totally different than it is now in 2026.
Right.
A hundred percent.
Totally different.
Yeah.
Different training, different knowledge, different, absolutely.
Like all of it.
Yeah, all of it.
But yet you still have those therapists who have been doing it for 30 years and are still doing it that same way.
And so I think one of the greatest disservices that we do is make it appear that if a therapeutic relationship is not happening.
As the client and therapist, that because you're the client, it's your fault because you're broken.
Not because it's just not the appropriate relationship.
Like the therapy is, which might not be a good fit.
Just not a good fit.
Exactly.
And I think that's literally one of the greatest disservice we do when we have these therapy conversations.
Like, oh, just go to therapy, your first person.
It might not be a good fit.
Yeah.
And you have to really, it's a trial and error kind of thing until you find something that works for you, which honestly is so, ableist.
Yeah, because it's The alignment of things that have to happen for you to be able to have the bandwidth to find someone, the insurance if they take it, which nobody does.
The private pay ability, I mean, it's just, there's so much that, like the system isn't there to be supportive.
Mm-hmm.
And so, especially if you're, in crisis, it's almost impossible.
It's almost impossible.
Yeah.
I do think that I've been really fortunate with the people that I have, come to interact with.
I've just been very blessed to have found or had recommended.
But I mean, my EMDR therapist that I see now, I just found, yeah, she takes insurance.
She has worked, she's done a lot of criminal justice work, so she has a deep understanding of what it's like to be incarcerated, which is really important for me.
So in that sense, I've been lucky, but the times that it hasn't worked is usually because I'm not honest.
I'm there in a performative sense.
Mm.
There was a lot of time, especially around like my drug addiction time, where I was going so that these people would get off my back.
Mm-hmm.
Was going because I was solving, trying to solve a problem for them and not for myself.
And so when I go and I'm just there to be performative, it actually, not only does it not help me, it's actually probably more hurtful to me because then people around me are trying to figure out why I am still having problems and you know, it just sort of becomes more conflict then.
And so it's been a real cue to me now when I'm there, if I feel the urge to not tell the truth or to hide something.
I don't always tell her the thing, but I tell her that there's something going on here I don't feel comfortable being honest about, and that way we could kind of at least try and navigate that.
And so that's been a big lesson.
But when it doesn't work, it's because I'm not being honest.
Yeah.
And I'm there for the wrong reasons.
Which is a bad fit then, right? That's just that I shouldn't even be there.
Yeah.
Because then I start drinking my own Kool-Aid.
Yeah.
Right.
I come up with a story and I know it's not true, but this is my story.
I'm sticking to it.
Yeah.
Right.
And it just makes me more defiant in my personal life.
I think, you know, therapy's not a one size fits all either.
And so kind of what works for one doesn't mean that it'll necessarily work for another.
And I think we kind of, throw out this therapy as kind of like this overarching thing.
Like, this is what you need to do if you feel broken and maybe talk therapy isn't what, works.
Or Yeah.
Your system is set up in a way that talking about it, doesn't work.
Makes it worse.
Yeah, makes it worse.
I think that's why this conversation is just so nuanced, right? Like, I don't want anybody listening, thinking.
Oh, this won't work for me because it didn't work for her.
Or this will work for me because it did work for her.
Right.
Like, what the story is for me is that it may work, it may not work.
It is continuing to try in different ways, right? Like, my journey started.
Really, my healing journey started 20 years ago, and what has worked has changed.
Over those years, I'm in a different space.
The therapy that you had for years worked for you in that moment.
Right? But when you came back, that no longer worked for you.
You needed, something to do.
And it's more understanding that we change and we have different needs, and if one doesn't work, it's not.
Necessarily you're broken or something's wrong with you, or that something else will work.
Right.
That there's, you know, there's, that trying it.
And I think this kind of goes into, our, closing question for this is what has worked best for you? So many things.
So many things.
So many things have worked best for me and they were different, right? And at different times.
And there are things that have worked incredibly well for me for a period of time.
Yeah, sorry, those things no longer work.
We need something different.
But it's brain science, right? So, you know, the way that our brains.
Function is the, we are able to create and grow new neural pathways.
We are able to do, new things.
We also continue to experience life.
And so if you're growing and if you're healing.
You're gonna get to a point where that becomes then the normal and that that no longer, is able to get to that next step, right? Right.
And so we have to grow into that next step.
And so there's more things that come.
So like, I mean, for me, obviously it has been a lot of the body work and understanding how my body functions.
Understanding that I'm not in control and God, how I would love to be though.
Yes.
Yeah, just put me in charge seriously of my own life.
Just in my own life.
No, everyone's, I wanna be in charge of everyone's.
Oh my God.
Everything would be great if I just gimme like a week and a spreadsheet.
Fix it all.
Gimme a week and a spreadsheet.
A good coffee pot.
We're done.
I got you guys.
I got you.
What's interesting though is this is making me think of the difference between saying what therapy has worked for you versus what has been therapeutic for you.
Mm-hmm.
And those are like two different things.
Right.
Because talk therapy worked great for me until it didn't, until I need, I was ready for more.
Mm-hmm.
EMDR is working great for me.
There's going to be a time where it's done.
Please let it be done.
But also being therapeutic for me has been making sure I move my body, making sure I spend time with friends, making sure I am careful what I read and what I listen to we've kind of even done it here too, a little bit, that when we talk about therapy, we immediately go to a counselor patient relationship.
Mm-hmm.
And there are so many other things in that bucket right.
There is body work and going to yoga and breathing and taking care of myself.
And if we can look at it as being more things mm-hmm than in an office with a practitioner.
Mm-hmm.
That might be part of it.
And, but the more things I add in, the better off I am.
Yeah.
What is one thing that has stayed consistent for you though? Like from the beginning? Has there been one thing? What would If I put on my boots and go on a hike, especially if it's hard, I swear to you.
I have left so many problems on South Mountain.
They are all there and yeah, it's like church for me.
I'm getting emotional all of a sudden.
I feel so spiritual and so loved and so cared for.
When I'm hiking going on a walk in my neighborhood is not the same.
It can get me close.
But I need to be on a trail that is challenging and that pushes me and it puts me in a brain space where I figure things out and I leave them behind.
And that has been consistent since the first time I went on a hike.
Yeah.
What about you? Yeah.
Oh, you and I had some good hikes.
We have.
I miss hiking.
But what has always worked for me, okay.
See, it always works for me with a caveat though.
Because I am so prone to addiction and no matter which way that we look at things, right? And with my disordered eating background and with the body dysmorphia that like going to the gym and working out has to have parameters around it because I could be to the gym three, four hours a day every single day.
if we let the system in the wild without parameters.
Okay.
With that said, as long as there's parameters in place, yeah, sometimes it works a hundred percent of the time.
The gym works all the time for my mental health.
Yeah, it just does, and I've even noticed this just even in the last, couple weeks, like there's, if I, the days that I do not go are the days that I actually struggle.
If I can connect it to going on like an adventure and like hiking and going to a new place and walking around and I can have the movement of my body, you know, being somewhere else.
As long as there's movement, it's when I'm just like, I don't have that movement.
That's that that goes bad for me.
But movement has always worked for me, always.
You know, it'd be great if we could get diagnosed with the great things like we're here and we're talking about like, oh, I have PTSD and I have a detachment disorder, and I dissociate and I have body dysmorphia.
Someone diagnose me with being awesome.
Oh, I do.
Like is there an assessment? Absolutely.
And funny.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
You know, I needed that validation, but like we should, there should be like an assessment for like Fantastic friend or best cook or, yeah.
And you could just check all the lists.
Yeah.
So that we can like counteract some of these other diagnoses, right? And then we can kind of like just feel a little bit more balanced.
That's how, that's, see, just gimme a week.
You guys give me a week, a Cosmopolitan magazine from 1990 that has quizzes in it and I will fix all of you.
Oh my gosh, I missed those quizzes in the magazine.
Too.
We just really dated ourselves right there.
I know.
Like we really, that was, that was the girl.
That's where the self-awareness began.
But those quiz honestly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All of those quizzes.
You know, the funny thing is, I'm that kinda like diagnosis.
Mm-hmm.
Train is the way that we view them.
Mm-hmm.
For like, a diagnosis for me was like, whew, okay, now I get it.
Like it, it validated things.
It was give you clarity.
Yeah.
No, it didn't gimme clarity.
It gave me literally, like I knew I wasn't crazy.
Okay.
Yeah.
Like it validated, it validated, it validated my experiences for it.
I was like, okay.
That makes sense.
It's like the way that we kind of look at them, like, you know, you look at your diagnosis, like, I really don't wanna tell anyone.
Mm-hmm.
Because I don't, I don't think that that is, that, that's true.
I don't see any, like, it's like, I don't know.
I don't really know how to explain it.
Maybe it's because my experiences were invalidated for so very long and still are invalidated that to have somebody outside of myself completely not, you know what I mean? Like, not in my personal relationships with a kind of, with a background.
And I'm all big about studies and mm-hmm.
Data and like, so to me it was like, see.
Here is the data.
I am not making this up.
I am not crazy.
Okay? And just that itself was enough to, is enough in my system to be like, okay, I'm not crazy.
So now I can address it.
That's so funny because it's like we have like opposite experiences.
You are like, give me this diagnosis.
I will embrace it.
This explains so much, and now I can tackle it.
And I'm like, Hey, can you check those test questions again, please? I'm fairly certain you're incorrect.
Right? And then like she gives me ano, literally she gives me another assessment.
And I come back and I say, why do you keep asking me the same questions? I'm looking for a different answer.
Like, I'm literally acting like a lunatic saying, no, no, You're not gonna be able to give me a different diagnosis if you keep asking me the same questions.
Yes, my anxiety's off the chart.
That has nothing to do with what we're talking about here.
Like I am so out there with my reaction to it.
Yeah.
Until I hold space for it for a very long time.
I'm a very slow processor.
But if I sat with PTSD for about a year, I finally was like, you know, you might be onto something here.
You might know what you're talking about.
I've had 17 panic attacks in the last couple months, so I think something's happening.
Yeah, there's something is going on.
Something's amiss in here.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe you're not.
We should look at this more.
You know what, I'm ready to, kind of see, and then I'm like, why is this taking so long? I love our brains.
I love our brains, and honestly, this is a perfect place for us to wrap up today because it goes right into our next, our next topic.
Yeah, our next topic, You are right.
It will be nice to come back into this space with you.
Well, the big question for me at the end of this is will either one of us remember anything we said today? No, when we go back to look at it again, absolutely not.
Thank you for joining us today.
If this has been impactful for you, please like and subscribe and share with someone you think needs to hear this.
We will be back next week to talk about some of the things that we are still struggling with even after all this time.