Latest / The Christian Podcast Community / #103 - But vs. Yes, And: How to Share the Truth Without Starting an Argument
Transcript
- 0:00One of the neatest things I've ever seen in my life,
- 0:02I was at an exchange seminar, and Jeff announces this exercise where we're
- 0:08all going to stand in a circle.
- 0:09We're going to have a conversation using the word but for the starting word
- 0:14of every comment back and forth.
- 0:16And then we had a different conversation,
- 0:18and we were told to use yes and.
- 0:21And the difference was mind-boggling.
- 0:23I remember at the seminar, I wrote this down and I thought.
- 0:26This has got to be a Gospel Talks podcast episode one of these days.
- 0:30And so here we are. We're finally going to talk about this exercise.
- 0:33And as strange as it sounds, I promise you,
- 0:35you're in for a treat, but versus yes and.
- 0:41Welcome to Gospel Talks Podcast,
- 0:43where we help Christians all over the world become more effective
- 0:47in relational evangelism and discipleship.
- 0:49My name is George Binoca, and with me today is Jeff Musgrave,
- 0:52the author and founder of The Exchange.
- 0:53Jeff, how are you doing?
- 0:55Doing good. I am excited that our conversations with Jesus is just about finished
- 1:00and ready to print and yeah, we're we're getting a lot of things done these days.
- 1:04Yeah, I saw the email that Anna is about to send out and it's got the
- 1:08two covers of volume one and volume two.
- 1:11I think that's really exciting.
- 1:12I know you're working on other things as well.
- 1:15you know, some other things regarding Living the Exchange.
- 1:18We're really excited to announce those as soon as we're ready to do that.
- 1:21But very exciting about what God is doing in the ministry,
- 1:24some exciting announcements in that newsletter that's going out here soon.
- 1:27And if you're not signed up for a newsletter,
- 1:28you can do so on our website.
- 1:30Or you can email me at george at exchangemessage.org and we can get you plugged in.
- 1:34But God is opening some doors with some Christian networks that are giants,
- 1:39let's just say, and we're very excited about all that.
- 1:43Well, without further ado, I just want to start with the exercise itself,
- 1:47Jeff. I mean, you do this thing at seminars,
- 1:49people have you know, have people experience the difference between this
- 1:52but and yes and
- 1:54What are you trying to help people see when you do that?
- 1:57I let me if you don't mind, let me go back and just kind of give a picture
- 2:01of what that looks like so that people can understand the the exercise itself.
- 2:06basically we just invite people to tell a story with each person
- 2:12around the circle giving one sentence of the story.
- 2:17And each we don't really tell them this is a contrast yet.
- 2:20We just tell them tell the story.
- 2:22And the only rule is, it can be about anything you want to.
- 2:25The only rule is you have to start every single sentence after
- 2:29the first sentence with the word but.
- 2:31And then we tell them, boy, that was great.
- 2:33You guys did a great job. but I I I think we could do better.
- 2:37So let's try it again. Only we're gonna be a slight rule change.
- 2:41This time we're gonna start each sentence with the words yes and.
- 2:46And we go through that experience.
- 2:48There's a lot of laughter in the room,
- 2:49it's fun. funny stories, that people say some crazy things.
- 2:54but then when it's all said and done,
- 2:57I have everybody sit down and we just begin to evaluate what just happened to us,
- 3:03and we begin to ask the question:
- 3:05this the yes and story and
- 3:08And the butt story, what was the differences between the two?
- 3:11What what did you perceive as different?
- 3:13And we're just recognizing that just simply a mindset at the beginning
- 3:19of what we say changes the the whole thrust
- 3:24of of the conversation itself.
- 3:27And so that's that's really the intent is helping people to recognize
- 3:31the the mindset of how we approach a conversation.
- 3:35Changes the conversation.
- 3:37it's one of the things that I think is a huge golden nugget in giving
- 3:40the exchange is is the art of conversation.
- 3:43And this is an aspect of that.
- 3:46I got to observe it, so I think I I have my own personal answer
- 3:49to this next question, but why is butt so powerful in a conversation?
- 3:53It's such a little word, but when somebody uses that instead of
- 3:58yes and it changes the whole tenor of the conversation.
- 4:02What actually happens between two people that you've observed
- 4:06in these exercises when they're using this kind of conjunction?
- 4:10And and I think the key is not that we're talking about a specific word.
- 4:15We're really talking about a mindset.
- 4:17And the word contradicts. And so I heard what you said,
- 4:22but I've got it something totally different.
- 4:25I wanna I wanna say the opposite.
- 4:27And it puts us in a I I I'm saying something different than you are.
- 4:33I'm kind of
- 4:34it it there's lots of pieces to it.
- 4:37I want my will over your will.
- 4:39I want what I have to say is probably more important than what you have to say,
- 4:43what I have to say is right, what you have to say is wrong.
- 4:45I mean, there's all different kinds of things that that we're communicating,
- 4:50but the mindset is not the word.
- 4:53The mindset is I've got to and you know,
- 4:57say what I have to say, I have to be right,
- 5:00all the different things that come in.
- 5:02Hmm. I I think this is where it gets interesting for Christians.
- 5:05we quickly feel the need to correct somebody.
- 5:08we we quickly feel the need to interject,
- 5:11argue, you know, is that what is that really about in in your experience?
- 5:17Is it about truth or desire for truth?
- 5:19Because that's a good thing, or
- 5:21Is it just because we need to be right?
- 5:23Yeah, and I think that sometimes it is truth.
- 5:26In other words, I I was thinking about some specifics that come
- 5:30up in real conversations. And I know you probably have some questions you'll
- 5:33ask me about that in a moment.
- 5:35But when I'm in a conversation and someone and I ask the question,
- 5:39who would you say Jesus is? And and they tell me,
- 5:42well, he was a good man, he was he he he was the best teacher in the world.
- 5:47I can immediately hear in my brain,
- 5:51no, you're wrong. I mean, that that's not who he was.
- 5:55and and there's a a by a piece of me that is all about truth that I've
- 6:01got to get the truth out. Jesus is God in the flesh.
- 6:05But if I stop and think about what they really said,
- 6:09it they didn't say anything.
- 6:11He is a good man, the best man that ever lived.
- 6:14He is
- 6:15Mm.
- 6:15the best teacher that ever lived.
- 6:17And so if I can say yes, and then instead of contradicting what they said,
- 6:24I said, Man, you and I are on the same page here.
- 6:26Let me talk about this, Jesus.
- 6:27Hmm. Hmm.
- 6:28And and we're
- 6:29we're bringing a person to our point of view,
- 6:32we're being able to s help them see truth without a contradiction,
- 6:36without a
- 6:37I disagree with you moment. And it's it it it is about truth.
- 6:42but it isn't about finding something that person said that was wrong.
- 6:48I I feel like that's really where we're messing up.
- 6:51We're we're so keyed in with truth that there is that I gotta stand for truth
- 6:58and I gotta stand.
- 6:59hard. and I do think that there's a piece of that that's truthful
- 7:05and righteous and good. But like you said,
- 7:08there is the human side of it in which I I need to be right in this situation.
- 7:14And that's that's not healthy.
- 7:15That's never gonna be healthy in a conversation.
- 7:18Yeah, I I agree with you. you can be good at truth and bad at love.
- 7:23And that's one of the things that First Corinthians thirteen talks
- 7:26Mm-hmm.
- 7:26about is you can have this dichotomy where you think it's better to be good
- 7:32at truth and it's okay to be bad at love,
- 7:35where in reality Jesus says you must be good at both.
- 7:38You must be Christlike in both.
- 7:40you know, I even remember from Matthew sixteen,
- 7:43Peter
- 7:43When confessing that Jesus is the Christ,
- 7:46Christ responds to him after his confession.
- 7:48Blessed are you, Simon Barjona,
- 7:49for flesh and blood has not shown this unto you.
- 7:52But my Father who's in heaven,
- 7:53God is the one who reveals truth,
- 7:57reveals
- 7:57Yeah.
- 7:57himself to people. we are just sowing the seed.
- 8:01And it's easy to think that we are actually the lawyer in the courtroom,
- 8:04but that's not really our job.
- 8:06way above our pay grade.
- 8:07Absolutely. And
- 8:10you were you were talking about having truth and loving.
- 8:14And another way of saying that is in John one,
- 8:18Jesus is grace and truth. I mean he he is the law personified.
- 8:24I mean he kept every part, but he brought with him grace
- 8:26Hmm. Mm.
- 8:28enabling. And I I think that if we're going to be Christ like.
- 8:34We've got to carry both that grace and truth mindset with us when we talk to people.
- 8:39Yeah, spot on. Now, I had a thought come in my mind when I
- 8:43was watching this exercise happen.
- 8:45So I want you to help me understand something about saying yes and because
- 8:48I could kind of play devil's advocate or could see a Christian hearing this
- 8:51and thinking, wait a minute, I I'm not gonna say yes to something that's wrong.
- 8:55So what does yes and mean? What are we agreeing with?
- 9:00What aren't we agreeing with?
- 9:02Yeah, and I think again, it's not the specific words we're saying,
- 9:06it's the way we go about speaking with people.
- 9:09So here here is another one that comes up in a regular conversation.
- 9:14I asked someone, do you believe that this verse that says that the blood
- 9:20of Jesus Christ cleanses us from all sins?
- 9:22Do you believe that that means
- 9:26All of your past sins. And usually they'll think about that for a little while
- 9:31and say, Yeah, I I guess it does.
- 9:33And then I'll ask them, so what about the stuff you haven't done yet,
- 9:37but you know you you're going to do?
- 9:39What about those sins? And often people will say,
- 9:43Well, no, I mean it can't be that because I haven't even done them yet.
- 9:47And
- 9:48Hm.
- 9:48that's a that's another one of those moments in which I have
- 9:52to correct them slightly.
- 9:53Mm.
- 9:53having said
- 9:54that, if I start with but, then it's it's like you're wrong.
- 9:58Let me tell you how i I'm right.
- 10:01that's a moment in which if we are careful,
- 10:04we can help them see the truth without necessarily fighting them,
- 10:09without necessarily disagreeing with them.
- 10:12And I yes, I totally understand what you're saying.
- 10:15I mean, we haven't even done those.
- 10:16How can I be forgiven for something I haven't done?
- 10:18And then I say, but let me ask you a question.
- 10:21How many of your sins were future when Jesus
- 10:23Mm.
- 10:24died 2,000 years ago? And just helping
- 10:27Mm-hmm.
- 10:27them think through the process.
- 10:29And the real key here, George,
- 10:31is that I'm actually helping them know that I'm listening to them,
- 10:36that that I'm not just trying to get my spiel across.
- 10:39I'm not just trying to say.
- 10:41my side of the conversation, but I'm listening and I'm comprehending what they're
- 10:46saying. So the yes is really more a I'm listening
- 10:51and I'm getting and I understand what you're saying.
- 10:55And let me take that just a little further.
- 10:57And so that yes and is is not the same thing as I I totally agree
- 11:04you are right in every aspect.
- 11:06We're just simply letting them know I'm listening well.
- 11:09I understand what you're saying.
- 11:11Let me add another thought here that I think would clarify things.
- 11:15I I'm right with you on that, Jeff.
- 11:17I often respond when people even when they make a statement,
- 11:21I still respond, that's a great question.
- 11:23here's what the Bible says. Because I think what you're getting at there
- 11:26a little bit is, we have to answer it with God's words,
- 11:29not our opinions. That's where the argument can start.
- 11:32And but sounds like I'm about to argue my viewpoint versus that's a great question.
- 11:37Here's what the Bible says is
- 11:39Taking me and you out of the equation and bringing God in.
- 11:43and I think that's key. But you know,
- 11:45h I think for the sake of the audience,
- 11:47I think could we actually just demonstrate this with a real evangelism conversation
- 11:53a little bit? let's say somebody says,
- 11:55I don't believe Christianity because Christians are hypocrites.
- 11:59What would the typical butt response sound like?
- 12:03And then how might yes and take the conversation somebody d somewhere different?
- 12:07Yeah. I I think I can easily say yes to that because frankly,
- 12:11Christians are hypocrites sometimes.
- 12:14So it it's it's not hard for me to understand the problem that
- 12:20a person has because he's literally judging Christianity by Christians he knows.
- 12:26And I he's probably not being totally fair,
- 12:28but I do understand what he's saying.
- 12:31So I think it's pretty easy to say
- 12:33I understand sometimes when I watch certain people live their lives,
- 12:37and frankly, even me, I don't always live consistent,
- 12:40but that doesn't mean, and then began to help them understand that though Christians
- 12:47are imperfect, the the the Christ that we follow is perfect,
- 12:52and ~
- 12:52Mm.
- 12:53the world we live in is a fallen world,
- 12:55we still live in fallen bodies.
- 12:57but what we really want to know is can Christ help you with the needs that
- 13:02you have in your life and specifically with the need that you have to
- 13:06be able to have a relationship with God So helping a person by literally,
- 13:10I think in this particular situation,
- 13:13I can agree with them, but then go on to say that that doesn't stop
- 13:18me from trusting in in Christ just because I am imperfect or because
- 13:22the people I know are imperfect.
- 13:24you've probably heard this illustration.
- 13:26I can say I I looked at a guy or I was sitting next to a guy that told
- 13:32me he'd taken a bath in the morning,
- 13:34but frankly, he still smelled bad.
- 13:37And I just don't believe in soap anymore.
- 13:39And you know, the the fact is the problem was not the soap,
- 13:43the problem was the user. And ~ I think that
- 13:46Mm.
- 13:47we can help people to be able to see that.
- 13:49I I think the answer though has to start with,
- 13:52I see your point of view. I actually understand your point of view.
- 13:55It it it it makes sense to me.
- 13:57Here's how I see that a little differently that I think can help you.
- 14:02And instead of
- 14:03Yeah.
- 14:03make it and I if you used a word while ago that I think is really important,
- 14:08I don't see my conversations with people about Jesus as a argument or a debate.
- 14:15I see it as
- 14:16me trying to help him see truth that maybe he hasn't seen before.
- 14:22And I think that I have to be gentle with him and recognizing he's seeing what
- 14:27he sees. I have to help him see something different.
- 14:30And arguing with him isn't the way I want to go about trying to help him see.
- 14:35Hm. Yeah, I I think that's excellent.
- 14:37it reminds me of John chapter four with the Samaritan woman at the well.
- 14:42I I think what we're getting at here a little bit is you're finding common ground.
- 14:46You you know, you're finding you're finding
- 14:48Mm-hmm.
- 14:49the place where you can start from the but it's just a launch pad.
- 14:52It's not the permanent place. I think look what Jesus says here.
- 14:55There's women came from f from Samaria to draw water.
- 14:58Jesus said to her, Give me a drink.
- 15:00Common ground, and we're both thirsty.
- 15:02Then in verse 10, Jesus, she says,
- 15:03how is it that you, a Jew, ask for a drink from me,
- 15:07a woman in Samaria, for Jews who have no dealings with Samaritans?
- 15:09Jesus answered, If you knew the gift of God,
- 15:12and who it is that saying to you,
- 15:13give me a drink, you'd have asked him,
- 15:15and he would have given you living water.
- 15:17So again, he's finding the common need,
- 15:18the common ground. and and then he says,
- 15:21She says, Well, where do you get this living water?
- 15:24are you greater than our father Jacob?
- 15:26And he says,
- 15:27Everybody who drinks of this water will be thirsty again,
- 15:29but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again.
- 15:32He is continually using the com he's not ever batting her down saying,
- 15:37You're just absolutely wrong. You don't know what you're talking about,
- 15:39you're a woman. You know, he doesn't come out and say at the first conversation,
- 15:43hey, by the way, like, you know,
- 15:45you've been married umpteen times and the guy you're with right now,
- 15:47you're living with an immorality.
- 15:49He starts with the stuff where it could bridge the gap.
- 15:53And there is a huge gap. I mean,
- 15:54there
- 15:54There are no two more different people than the Samaritan woman and Jesus
- 15:59who is a Jew and the Son of God and perfect.
- 16:02And so there couldn't be more stark of a contrast.
- 16:05And yet he's using this principle of yes and okay,
- 16:10let's let's find some some common ground here from which we can launch towards
- 16:15the truth. ~
- 16:17Wow, that's so good.
- 16:17and that leads.
- 16:18Yeah, yeah.
- 16:19I I
- 16:20I think one of the things you see in Jesus using this yes and approach
- 16:25is hi it's not a technique for him.
- 16:27It's it's
- 16:28Hm.
- 16:28I love this woman. I'm taking pity on her and I want her to see the truth.
- 16:34So I am going to come to her where she is and take her to where she needs to go,
- 16:40as opposed to tell her how stupid she is for believing what she believes
- 16:44and acting the way she acts and whatever else we we do.
- 16:48Jeff, y I think you've seen this i probably especially in your studying
- 16:52the gospel of John. Jesus asks questions because he's really interested
- 16:56in what people have to say. He has a way of pulling out and you you
- 17:00you talk about this as well. It much better to be a good question asker
- 17:04and a listener. You're gonna you're gonna get much further in the relationship.
- 17:08and I guess the question I would have for you is why?
- 17:11What does this whole approach teach us about evangelism?
- 17:15Yeah. I think the whole point is we know people don't believe.
- 17:21We know people aren't following Jesus.
- 17:25We're actually making disciples,
- 17:26inviting people to come and follow Jesus.
- 17:29Therefore we have to we have to and I love what Jesus did.
- 17:32He he t he went to where people were and then he brought them to the truth.
- 17:37And that's really the
- 17:39the whole mindset that we at the Exchange try to use in approaching
- 17:45the concept of evangelism is is going to find people where they are
- 17:49and loving them where they are.
- 17:51I I love the Randy Alcorn statement,
- 17:54you know, Jesus loves you just the way you are.
- 17:57He just loves you way too much to leave you there.
- 18:00And
- 18:00Yeah.
- 18:01if if if we can just kind of have that that Jesus mindset of
- 18:06Going and finding people but bringing them to the truth.
- 18:10And it's a gentle walk in which we're bringing them.
- 18:13I it's that old you can't make a horse drink,
- 18:17but you can help him be thirsty so that he wants to drink.
- 18:20And that's really the thought process.
- 18:22So I I love the way this conversation is going because it it's changing
- 18:27the way we think about objections.
- 18:28instead of seeing somebody's objections as something we need to overcome,
- 18:32could we see it as an invitation to better understand the person?
- 18:37I I love that phrase to better understand that person.
- 18:42because when we listen, that's we're literally demonstrating to people that that
- 18:48we're trying to understand you.
- 18:50We I I love you enough to try to figure out a way to understand you.
- 18:54And we are never gonna be able to,
- 18:56you know, we were talking about taking a person from where they are
- 18:59and taking them to
- 19:01where they need to be. We're never gonna be able to do that if
- 19:03we don't understand where they are and what they're thinking.
- 19:06So what does this look like practically for an ordinary Christian?
- 19:11not somebody who's taken an evangelism seminar,
- 19:14somebody who's sitting across from a coworker,
- 19:17neighbor, family member, or friend who says something about God that they completely
- 19:21disagree with. What could they do differently this week?
- 19:24Yeah.
- 19:25I I think in general this is a concept of y living
- 19:31a yes and not a but life. and just it has to it has to start becoming
- 19:36a way of thinking. And I I feel like in a moment like that,
- 19:40so you know, that's really interesting that would say that.
- 19:43How how did you come to that thought process and re-engaging that with
- 19:48a question as a
- 19:50To an act an accusation or a denial.
- 19:54it doesn't, we're still going to get to the same place.
- 19:56We're we're gonna go back to the truth,
- 19:58but we're doing it in a way in which we're having a reasonable conversation,
- 20:03in which both of us have the privilege of sharing.
- 20:07And we're gonna be sharing truth.
- 20:09We're gonna constantly be saying,
- 20:10here's what the Bible says, but we're gonna do it in a way in which we're
- 20:15purposely engaging them and trying to figure out what they're thinking
- 20:18and helping them to see truth.
- 20:20Yeah. Yep. I I I totally agree.
- 20:23i i it's it's gonna become a helpful thing.
- 20:26You're gonna view it as a net positive when they bring up
- 20:29a difference versus viewing it as a negative,
- 20:31which is by the way, why most people I think a lot of people fear evangelism
- 20:35is they fear that evangelism were turned into an argument they can't
- 20:39win and then they let Jesus down.
- 20:41And it's not that. i evangelism is a journey you're like you've said.
- 20:45put your arm around your friend and you're walking,
- 20:47you're introducing them to Jesus.
- 20:49You're letting them get to know him as a person.
- 20:51So Jeff, if you've had to if you had to boil all this down to
- 20:54one principle for somebody who wants to become better at relational evangelism,
- 20:58what would you want them to remember from this conversation today?
- 21:01What's the one thing you'd want them to take away?
- 21:03I think kindness and graciousness.
- 21:04I was I was reading this morning in my morning devotions,
- 21:09and it talks it's in that verse where it talks about let your speech
- 21:13be seasoned with grace, with grace.
- 21:16And I I some places talk about being gracious.
- 21:20And I I think that there's two different concepts there,
- 21:24but both of them are are related.
- 21:26The the
- 21:27The
- 21:27idea of being seasoned with grace is that this is not something I can do by myself.
- 21:32I need Christ. And this is part of what I view as Jesus showing himself
- 21:37to the world through me, being a kind and gracious person.
- 21:41But then there is that thoughtful process of speaking with graciousness
- 21:45and always having a kindness about you,
- 21:48a gentleness about you. This is the fruit of the spirit.
- 21:51This is what Jesus produces in us.
- 21:53And rather than having a combative
- 21:56spirit, living life with a graciousness and a kindness and a gentleness
- 22:00and a patience that that deals with people in a way that frankly we would want
- 22:06to be treated. It's kind of the golden rule.
- 22:08Yes. Yeah, I I agree. These are barriers that people have in front of them
- 22:14on their path to Jesus. And we sometimes run into those barriers with that person
- 22:19and feel that's a rejection of us or a message,
- 22:22but it's not. And when we listen to that barrier,
- 22:25we we listen is not surrendering the truth.
- 22:28Listening is loving somebody enough to understand what stands between them
- 22:33and the truth and helping them.
- 22:35get over that,
- 22:37running into barriers means you're on track.
- 22:40And probably the more barriers and resistance you run into,
- 22:43the closer you are to the target.
- 22:45And so that just comes with charging the gates of hell.
- 22:49so that's I I think a great way to look at it for the audience.
- 22:54And for those of you that have been listening,
- 22:55we hope this has been helpful to you.
- 22:57Well, pray with us as we pray to the Lord of the harvest that he would send forth
- 23:02laborers. We hope this episode has been a blessing to you.
- 23:05If it has, please share it with somebody
- 23:07We thank you guys. We love you guys for your support.
- 23:09We'll see you next week.