Latest / Motherhood Uncut / Q&A with Kate and Deb | Motherhood Uncut Podcast | Season 4 Episode 2

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Q&A with Kate and Deb | Motherhood Uncut Podcast | Season 4 Episode 2 · Motherhood Uncut

0:00
SPEAKER_01: Welcome to Motherhood Uncut.
0:01
SPEAKER_01: We are so glad that you're here.
0:03
SPEAKER_01: Deb Rubin and I, Kate Kripke, bring to this podcast all of those conversations that are actually kind of hard to have around motherhood.
0:12
SPEAKER_01: We will be talking about things that make you laugh, that probably make you cry in the best of ways, that move you, that inspire you, that teach you new things.
0:21
SPEAKER_01: And we are really committed to this podcast because we really believe that nobody should be mothering alone.
0:28
SPEAKER_01: So come jump in with us, pour yourself a glass of wine, cup of tea, put on your running shoes, turn on the audio in your car.
0:36
SPEAKER_01: Come be with us for a bit.
0:38
SPEAKER_01: We can't wait to mother with you.
0:48
SPEAKER_00: So this week, Kate and I actually answered some of your questions.
0:52
SPEAKER_00: We got a couple great questions through Kate's email, and we just riff off the answers.
0:59
SPEAKER_00: They were awesome.
1:00
SPEAKER_00: So thank you for sending them.
1:02
SPEAKER_00: And we love getting questions.
1:04
SPEAKER_00: So please, if anything comes up, don't hesitate to ask, and we will do a whole episode around it.
1:10
SPEAKER_00: Hope you enjoyed the show.
1:11
SPEAKER_00: And as always, thanks for listening.
1:15
SPEAKER_01: Listeners, it's Kate, and I really want to talk to you.
1:19
SPEAKER_01: If you consider yourself to be a high-achieving woman, someone who is driven by success and meeting your goals, and if you have kids between birth and 12, and if you are struggling with anxiety and mom guilt and exhaustion, you might qualify for my 12-week program that I have launched.
1:40
SPEAKER_01: And I would love to give you the opportunity to schedule a free call with me so that we can talk about whether or not this program might be useful for you.
1:48
SPEAKER_01: There's a link in the show notes.
1:50
SPEAKER_01: Go on in and schedule that call in the next few days.
1:53
SPEAKER_01: Do it now while it's on the top of your mind.
1:56
SPEAKER_01: And we'll figure out whether or not I can help you get there to where you want to go.
2:01
SPEAKER_01: See you soon.
2:03
SPEAKER_00: Hey everyone, this is Dev.
2:05
SPEAKER_00: As many of you know, I provide services like psychotherapy, parenting support, group facilitation, and public speaking all along the topics of deepening connection.
2:17
SPEAKER_00: The Mother-daughter journey specifies in mother-daughter connection, but a lot of my talks are not gender specific.
2:24
SPEAKER_00: And the good news is that many of my topics are also very practical for strengthening partner and friendship connections.
2:31
SPEAKER_00: I just wrapped up my fall season of my workshops, but if you want to stay in the know, go to my website at motherdaughterjourney.co or debrubin.com.
2:41
SPEAKER_00: They take you to the same place and sign up for my newsletter where you'll receive fun facts and tips to increase your connection.
2:48
SPEAKER_00: You will also stay informed with any upcoming offerings.
2:51
SPEAKER_00: Lastly, I have loved doing curated courses.
2:55
SPEAKER_00: So if that is something that sounds interesting, definitely email me at deb at debruben.com, and together we can create something specific for your community and help build your parenting village.
3:08
SPEAKER_00: I look forward to working with you.
3:10
SPEAKER_01: Hey Deb.
3:11
SPEAKER_01: Hey Kate.
3:12
SPEAKER_01: Happy podcast day.
3:13
SPEAKER_01: Happy podcast day.
3:15
SPEAKER_01: We're diving into a new season.
3:17
SPEAKER_01: I don't even know if this is gonna be episode one or two or seven, but we're kind of like loose right now.
3:25
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna tell our listeners what's happening for me right now, okay?
3:27
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
3:28
SPEAKER_01: I'm having I'm listeners, I'm having my first ever colonoscopy tomorrow because I turned 50 in February.
3:35
SPEAKER_01: And I haven't eaten since 6 p.m.
3:38
SPEAKER_01: last night.
3:40
SPEAKER_01: Actually, more like 8.
3:41
SPEAKER_01: And it's it's 4 10 now, and I can't eat until noon tomorrow.
3:47
SPEAKER_00: Wait, that's a real time.
3:48
SPEAKER_01: And I'm fucking hangry.
3:50
SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
3:52
SPEAKER_00: I'm hangry.
3:53
SPEAKER_01: You haven't eaten in 22 hours.
3:56
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
3:57
SPEAKER_01: No, that's not right, is it?
3:58
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
3:58
SPEAKER_01: No, I think I had dinner, so 8 p.m.
4:00
SPEAKER_01: 8 p.m.
4:02
SPEAKER_01: I know.
4:03
SPEAKER_01: I would be a frickin' train wreck right now.
4:06
SPEAKER_01: Well, I kind of feel like a train wreck right now.
4:09
SPEAKER_01: Well, let's just see how today goes.
4:11
SPEAKER_01: Listeners, this is what it looks like to show up uncut because you're getting hangry, Kate, today.
4:18
SPEAKER_01: And you've got Deb with a new haircut that she is not so psyched about.
4:22
SPEAKER_00: So, you know, take us as we are, people.
4:25
SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
4:26
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
4:27
SPEAKER_00: So we had a couple questions that came in to us to us in the last week, and we thought it would be they're great questions and they're common questions, and so we thought maybe we'd share the questions and hope that it's helpful for others.
4:44
SPEAKER_01: That sounds great.
4:45
SPEAKER_01: Can you just look and make sure that your mic is on for me?
4:48
SPEAKER_00: It is, yes.
4:49
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
4:49
SPEAKER_01: Is it not?
4:50
SPEAKER_01: It's just I think it's fine.
4:53
SPEAKER_01: La la la.
4:54
SPEAKER_00: La la la Okay.
4:57
SPEAKER_00: All right.
4:58
SPEAKER_00: Now I feel like I'm in your hungry world.
5:00
SPEAKER_00: I'm not hungry.
5:01
SPEAKER_00: It's because we feed off each other.
5:02
SPEAKER_01: You guys, I'm just gonna say one story before we jump in.
5:05
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
5:05
SPEAKER_01: Oh, maybe I shouldn't say it in public.
5:08
SPEAKER_00: What's it about?
5:09
SPEAKER_01: The boob story.
5:10
SPEAKER_01: Say it.
5:11
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
5:11
SPEAKER_01: I was about to out Deb without getting her permission first, but here's what you need to know about me and Deb.
5:17
SPEAKER_01: We are literally connected in so many ways, but this thing happened.
5:22
SPEAKER_01: How many years ago was that?
5:24
SPEAKER_00: A long time ago, because Tess was in preschool.
5:29
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it was like way pre-COVID.
5:31
SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
5:32
SPEAKER_01: I mean, I think it was maybe nine years ago.
5:36
SPEAKER_01: Okay, here's what you need to know about me, Kate, is that when I was growing up in through my twenties, I had ginormous according to myself.
5:49
SPEAKER_01: I had I had large breasts, and then I breastfed my babies and they shrunk, and I was so happy about it because like I'd always wanted smaller boobs, you know, we always want what we don't have, that sort of happens, and and I was walking through life with my new size B breasts that I was all excited about, and meanwhile, Deb I'll I'll tell my version.
6:10
SPEAKER_00: I had I also had extremely large breasts that I felt like were burdensome for my frame, and um and I got a breast reduction after I was done nursing.
6:24
SPEAKER_00: I was like very waiting patiently to get a breast reduction.
6:29
SPEAKER_00: So I get this reduction and I go down to a size that feels very fitting for my frame, and the next day, literally, I woke up and my boobs were bigger, like significantly bigger.
6:45
SPEAKER_01: But let's let's let make it let's make it a little less magical because it that feels a little, it was actually several days.
6:51
SPEAKER_01: I started to my boobs start to hurt, and then they would like start to tingle, and I was like, Am I like pregnant?
6:57
SPEAKER_01: And I'm that can't happen.
6:58
SPEAKER_01: And am I like, what's happening?
7:00
SPEAKER_01: And then I and then they really started to grow, like, like beyond my regular monthly boob tenderness growing.
7:09
SPEAKER_01: Like they were growing and growing, and I called the doctor and I had an emergency like exam, and I had my hormones checked, and now they're back to a d and guess whose bras I'm wearing?
7:22
SPEAKER_01: Mine.
7:23
SPEAKER_01: I gave her all my bras.
7:25
SPEAKER_01: I was like really some crazy shit.
7:27
SPEAKER_00: It was bizarre.
7:28
SPEAKER_00: We were like, what just what just happened?
7:31
SPEAKER_01: Deb had her breasts reduced and she gave all that extra flesh to me.
7:38
SPEAKER_01: And I think the other TMI piece of information, but I just have to say, is I'm pretty sure that I'm still wearing those bras that you gave me in their beautiful room.
7:46
SPEAKER_01: Nine years later, this isn't one.
7:47
SPEAKER_01: That's not one.
7:48
SPEAKER_01: Okay, moving on.
7:49
SPEAKER_01: Okay, what hungry Kate.
7:53
SPEAKER_01: What are we back on any places okay actually talking about today?
7:56
SPEAKER_00: I got, we'll start with one question that I got.
7:59
SPEAKER_01: Well, let's back up and say today is a QA day because we have really put out there that we're wanting um listeners to ask questions and and not just like topics, no, not just what do you want us to talk about, but like what questions do you have that we can help you work through?
8:13
SPEAKER_01: And so we have pulled four of those questions that we've received and we're gonna go through all four of them today.
8:19
SPEAKER_00: Yep.
8:20
SPEAKER_01: And we're gonna keep them anonymous.
8:21
SPEAKER_01: You know who you are, but my guess is this is the beautiful thing is that one person has a question that many people have.
8:27
SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
8:28
SPEAKER_01: So there you go.
8:29
SPEAKER_00: Now we can't find the questions in this moment because Kate says she texted them to me.
8:35
SPEAKER_00: I'll find the one question that was on my I know what they are.
8:38
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
8:39
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna do the first one.
8:41
SPEAKER_00: So the question is la la la.
8:47
SPEAKER_00: I could use a little support about how to approach my daughter when I'm really uncomfortable with the people she's hanging out with, but I'm not wanting to shut her down from talking to me about these friends.
8:57
SPEAKER_00: I'm having a really hard time not going to that judgmental place.
9:02
SPEAKER_00: And I need some input.
9:05
SPEAKER_00: It's such a good question, and it's so incredibly hard.
9:10
SPEAKER_01: And common.
9:11
SPEAKER_01: So common.
9:11
SPEAKER_01: I mean, there's first of all, let's back up and say there is literally no way that we could possibly like like every single one of our kids or our kids' friends, because we don't like everybody in the world.
9:24
SPEAKER_00: People are annoying.
9:25
SPEAKER_00: I think most people are annoying.
9:27
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
9:27
SPEAKER_00: And we're looking through, like we've talked about before, you know, we have this instinctual nature to protect our kids, which as they grow into adolescence, we're learning over and over that that instinct is not as accessible because we have very little control.
9:44
SPEAKER_00: Whoa.
9:45
SPEAKER_00: Sorry, I just got really loud.
9:47
SPEAKER_00: Very little control about how much protection we can actually provide.
9:51
SPEAKER_00: Right.
9:52
SPEAKER_00: So I think this is one of the hardest things actually around wanting to still remain the safe place for our kids to land and be the place that they confide in and how to keep our judgment and fear at the door.
10:10
SPEAKER_01: Totally.
10:11
SPEAKER_01: And I think it's fear.
10:12
SPEAKER_01: I mean, I think when we're talking about this, usually, I mean people are annoying, and it's like, okay, we can all tolerate a kid that we think is annoying.
10:22
SPEAKER_01: Sure.
10:22
SPEAKER_01: But when it's a friend that we worry our about our child in relationship with, yeah, that's also another layer.
10:32
SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
10:33
SPEAKER_00: Like we worry about their emotional well-being and we worry about their behavior.
10:37
SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
10:38
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, totally.
10:39
SPEAKER_00: Totally, totally.
10:40
SPEAKER_00: I mean, the common thing I get a lot is like my kids hanging out with kids that are partying a lot and I'm uncomfortable with it, right?
10:47
SPEAKER_00: That's a normal thing to be uncomfortable about.
10:49
SPEAKER_01: Yep.
10:50
SPEAKER_01: Um or maybe even kids that well, I'm watching, I'm I'm I'm doing it according to this.
10:57
SPEAKER_01: So you know see, we're gonna so uncut it that you guys are gonna hear as I turn down Deb's um earphones because she's too loud.
11:08
SPEAKER_01: You're quiet and I'm loud today.
11:10
SPEAKER_01: So you need to talk louder and I'll talk quieter.
11:12
SPEAKER_00: Hello.
11:13
SPEAKER_01: This is so clunky today.
11:16
SPEAKER_01: Welcome, friends, to how we feel in our brains today.
11:19
SPEAKER_01: Um uh the other thing I was thinking about, like if I have a kid who's typically pretty studious, does well in school, does her homework, there could be a fear I might have of her hanging out with a bunch of friends who are not um uh as successful in the school work or who are not as committed to school work, right?
11:47
SPEAKER_01: Any of those influence things.
11:48
SPEAKER_01: I think we're talking about influence.
11:50
SPEAKER_00: Right.
11:50
SPEAKER_00: And we're talking about the fact that our kids are malleable and we have less influence, and their peers tend to have more these days, and that's a scary letting-go process.
11:59
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
12:00
SPEAKER_00: And of course, this is all age-dependent.
12:02
SPEAKER_00: But I think we're talking about more high school.
12:04
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, or middle school or high school is for sure.
12:07
SPEAKER_00: So one thing I always come back to is that the kids that I talk to over and over, not in a therapeutic setting, just kids that are my kids' friends or my kids' friends my friends' kids, is the theme is I don't want to feel judged by my mom.
12:28
SPEAKER_00: That is like a very consistent message.
12:31
SPEAKER_00: And when I start doing deep dive research around this, the biggest theme that we learn about at least adolescent girls is that they feel like they're unheard in the world and often by their families.
12:44
SPEAKER_00: Even for the parent that is doing so much deep hard work to try and listen consciously, there's this myth that keeps happening.
12:53
SPEAKER_00: And I think that usually what gets in the way of feeling heard or feeling seen is fear.
13:01
SPEAKER_00: So we're gonna come back to the same old thing that we talk about all the time is like how do you, mama, really take care of yourself and postpone your own agenda so that you can really deeply listen to your kid and allow them to come up with ideas and things on their own, like buy into ideas, which is so hard with friendships.
13:25
SPEAKER_00: So, an example might be if we come in and say, Wow, those friends, those friends seem like they're making really bad choices.
13:33
SPEAKER_00: How do you feel about that?
13:35
SPEAKER_00: Most likely we're gonna lose them.
13:37
SPEAKER_00: Even when we're saying it soft and we're grounded.
13:41
SPEAKER_00: But another way to be is like, how do you feel when you're with those people?
13:46
SPEAKER_00: How do you feel?
13:48
SPEAKER_00: And they might say, I feel awesome.
13:51
SPEAKER_00: And then we have to sit with that on some level.
13:56
SPEAKER_01: You know, you're actually reminding me of a really um interesting conversation I had with a client.
14:02
SPEAKER_01: This is like years ago, with a younger child who was watching her younger child, like preschool-aged, right?
14:11
SPEAKER_01: Three or four, four, four or five, watching her child get really dysregulated around another kid.
14:20
SPEAKER_01: Right?
14:21
SPEAKER_01: The child wasn't saying, I don't want to play with so-and-so, but the mother was watching her kid get really des dysregulated around this other kid.
14:30
SPEAKER_01: And it's interesting, isn't it?
14:32
SPEAKER_01: This sort of thing that we do where, you know, it's a both and.
14:37
SPEAKER_01: Like we often do know what's best for our kids, but we don't know what our kids need in the moment that's gonna give them the longest lasting growth opportunity from it.
14:51
SPEAKER_01: Do you know what I mean?
14:52
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
14:52
SPEAKER_01: So, like, like in this particular example, so if their mom is out there, mom's out there with younger kids, it's like, okay, you're watching your kid in the playground or a playgroup or a play date, and one kid is, you know, bossing, quote unquote.
15:07
SPEAKER_01: Being being pulling toys out of someone's hand or directing the show, or I know I'm not supposed to use that word boss.
15:16
SPEAKER_01: I looked at you when I said that.
15:17
SPEAKER_00: But director is fine.
15:19
SPEAKER_00: And and when there's an aggressive element, it can it's not necessarily put in the bossy category, but it's aggressive.
15:27
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, but like a steamroller.
15:29
SPEAKER_01: The kid was sort of being a steamroller.
15:31
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and um, and the question is, what do you do as a mom in that moment?
15:38
SPEAKER_01: You know, like you know that maybe this isn't the best chemistry for your child because you watch your child get smaller and smaller and smaller.
15:46
SPEAKER_01: You may even say, Hey, do you want to have a play date with so-and-so today?
15:50
SPEAKER_01: And they may say yes.
15:52
SPEAKER_01: So they're not necessarily advocating for themselves.
15:55
SPEAKER_01: This mom was very worried about upsetting the other mom.
15:59
SPEAKER_01: Uh-huh.
15:59
SPEAKER_01: Right?
16:00
SPEAKER_01: So it's sort of the same question, but from the other side of mothering, from the younger side of mothering.
16:06
SPEAKER_01: Where we have more control.
16:07
SPEAKER_01: Where yes, great point, where we have more control.
16:10
SPEAKER_01: But the qu but the sort of the dynamic or dilemma is I'm I'm feeling fearful of the influence that this other child is having on my child's health and well-being.
16:21
SPEAKER_01: And you're right, when they're little, you can just say, no play date today.
16:25
SPEAKER_01: Right.
16:25
SPEAKER_00: I mean, right, when when they're little, we we actually can manipulate the situation all the time.
16:32
SPEAKER_00: But I think you brought up some really good points where the mom was afraid of offending the other mom, right?
16:40
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes moms hold back from intervening, and little kids need guidance like that.
16:46
SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
16:46
SPEAKER_00: Like for an adult to step in and model and teach.
16:50
SPEAKER_00: Well, all kids need guidance, not just little kids.
16:53
SPEAKER_00: That is very true.
16:54
SPEAKER_01: And we know that even when our kids are in high school or middle school, we might be really worried about offending that friend of ours whose kid it is, right?
17:03
SPEAKER_01: It's sort of all the same stuff.
17:04
SPEAKER_00: That's true.
17:06
SPEAKER_00: That's true.
17:07
SPEAKER_00: Although I do feel like it looks so different in high school.
17:12
SPEAKER_01: I mean Of course, but the feel the internal feelings that the mom might be having can be the same.
17:17
SPEAKER_00: That's right.
17:18
SPEAKER_00: And that's where we started with this is how does mom tend to her own internal feelings?
17:24
SPEAKER_00: And that goes back to all the things we've talked about throughout this podcast around tending to self, honoring the part that's afraid, coming back to logical thinking, you know, really like looking at things clearly or trying to be clearly be clear.
17:47
SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, I am like tripping over words today.
17:50
SPEAKER_01: It's great.
17:50
SPEAKER_01: Messy Kate and Messy Dad.
17:52
SPEAKER_01: I'll tell you.
17:52
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
17:53
SPEAKER_01: I just want to say you just said something else, so that made me think, I I do think that there is a big difference between fear and intuition.
18:00
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
18:01
SPEAKER_01: And this is another place where, you know, it if if if a mom is having a true intuitive hit, like a moment of wisdom, this needs intervention, right?
18:12
SPEAKER_01: There's a moment of and it's neutral, it's not anxious, it's not fear-based, it's just this knowing, right?
18:18
SPEAKER_01: Like, this doesn't seem right, this needs intervention.
18:22
SPEAKER_01: That's different than feeling all this fear about whether or not my child is gonna be okay in relationship with this other person.
18:30
SPEAKER_01: And we can get fear and into uh intuition and wisdom, intuition and fear mixed up, can't we?
18:37
SPEAKER_01: Easily.
18:37
SPEAKER_00: It's very hard to distinguish.
18:39
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
18:40
SPEAKER_00: But to your point, intuition is very clean.
18:44
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's non-emotional, it's just a clear yes or no, right?
18:50
SPEAKER_00: And so that's that's where we get a lot of information.
18:54
SPEAKER_00: Um and often our fear in our brain, like our thinking brain, overrides our intuition because we're living in you know, Western America or Western part of the world where we are very much taught to stay in our thinking brain all the time.
19:17
SPEAKER_00: And so much wisdom comes from that right hemisphere of the brain, that emotional center that is not, you know, totally running the show, right?
19:28
SPEAKER_00: But it gives us that instinct, it's it gives us so much information, and when the two are dancing together, that's when the magic happens.
19:37
SPEAKER_00: Right?
19:38
SPEAKER_00: So I where I started around this was and this this writer said, I want to I don't want to shut the door basically for my kid, because the truth is if the relationships are not healthy and there's some danger there, eventually they will reveal themselves and the kid is gonna need a safe place to come back to.
19:59
SPEAKER_00: So how do we not shut that door?
20:02
SPEAKER_00: And I'll I just want to leave like three little tips and then we can move on to the next question.
20:06
SPEAKER_01: You know how I feel about tips and numbers.
20:08
SPEAKER_00: I know.
20:08
SPEAKER_00: I love lists.
20:10
SPEAKER_00: Um kids do not speak when they feel like they're being talked down to.
20:17
SPEAKER_00: They don't share with someone they feel like they're being talked down to.
20:21
SPEAKER_00: They do not share when a parent um over-empathizes with them.
20:27
SPEAKER_00: This is a really big one because we're practicing empathy all the time, but when we over-empathize, we uh we jump into the pool of emotion with them, and we're not the edge of the swimming pool anymore.
20:40
SPEAKER_01: What might that sound like?
20:42
SPEAKER_00: So let's say, um, let's say my kid says, you know, Susie's being so mean to me lately.
20:50
SPEAKER_00: She's just like betraying me and she told my secrets and da-da-da.
20:53
SPEAKER_00: And meanwhile, Susie's her best friend.
20:55
SPEAKER_00: These are fake names.
20:56
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
20:57
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, oh my god, I can't believe Susie would do something like that.
21:00
SPEAKER_00: Susie does not sound like a good friend.
21:02
SPEAKER_00: Let's like really steer clear from Susie.
21:04
SPEAKER_00: Like, wow, Susie is just fuck Susie, you know.
21:09
SPEAKER_00: And some parents do get really emotional around it, and they're trying to actually, I believe that most people are coming at it by trying to make your kid feel validated and really understood.
21:18
SPEAKER_00: But it's like it's out of balance when you go too deep in.
21:22
SPEAKER_00: Because guess what?
21:22
SPEAKER_00: Two days later, Susie's gonna be her best friend again.
21:25
SPEAKER_00: And who's she not gonna talk about Susie with?
21:28
SPEAKER_00: You.
21:28
SPEAKER_01: Oh gosh, that's such a good example.
21:31
SPEAKER_01: That is such a good example.
21:35
SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
21:36
SPEAKER_00: There's a third, the third one.
21:38
SPEAKER_01: Because you cut you come to me, you find your friend to be like, fuck Susie.
21:43
SPEAKER_01: That's right.
21:43
SPEAKER_01: That's right.
21:44
SPEAKER_01: But we do not neutral each other, yeah.
21:46
SPEAKER_01: But we stay neutral enough, empathizing, but also giving space for the repair.
21:52
SPEAKER_01: Because to your point, your point is why would our kid come back and they might feel embarrassed or silly or like kind of judgment.
22:00
SPEAKER_01: Susie.
22:00
SPEAKER_00: They're protective, totally.
22:01
SPEAKER_00: I noticed that a lot with middle school and up, there's a protection of friends that is appropriate and necessary, but we don't want them to keep secrets necessarily from us in order to protect their friends.
22:12
SPEAKER_00: So good.
22:12
SPEAKER_00: So, like the you know, the opposite of that might look something like I can really understand why you felt betrayed by Susie.
22:19
SPEAKER_00: I think I would feel betrayed too if a friend did that to me.
22:22
SPEAKER_00: Beautiful.
22:23
SPEAKER_00: Done.
22:24
SPEAKER_00: It's like much simpler, it's but it's still validating their emotions.
22:28
SPEAKER_00: Um, the other thing that kids will not open up to a parent that catastrophizes.
22:33
SPEAKER_00: Okay, and this is something we've talked about in the past too.
22:36
SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, catastrophic thinking is a sign of dysregulation.
22:41
SPEAKER_00: And so let's say Susie, we'll go back to Susie.
22:45
SPEAKER_00: Mom, Susie, Susie vaped, and you know, I I vaped too.
22:51
SPEAKER_00: And if my reaction is, oh my god, you vaped! Like, I mean, it's just like out of control of fear base.
23:00
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and like, like, you know, we're never hanging out with Susie again because she's beeping and blaming it all on Susie, right?
23:07
SPEAKER_00: Poor Susie.
23:09
SPEAKER_00: Um, but the other, but so catastrophic thinking, it's just so extreme, or it's like, mom, look at my hickey, and mom goes right into like who gave you that hickey?
23:18
SPEAKER_00: Do you know the person?
23:19
SPEAKER_00: Do you have a relationship with them?
23:21
SPEAKER_00: It's like it just gets so big and angsty, and it's a normal response, right?
23:26
SPEAKER_00: But I think if we're really gonna do this martial art of mothering, it's like slow your roll.
23:33
SPEAKER_00: And it's like with vaping, wow, you vaped.
23:36
SPEAKER_00: What was that like?
23:37
SPEAKER_00: What'd you think?
23:39
SPEAKER_00: Did you like it?
23:40
SPEAKER_00: You know, it might just be like really slowing it down, and then later there's room to be like, I hope you know that vaping is really, really addictive and really unhealthy, and it makes me concerned, you know, but you're coming like the initial interaction is really what sets the tone.
24:00
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm I'm it you just use this um master martial art that we have talked about, which is labeling.
24:10
SPEAKER_01: Right?
24:10
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
24:11
SPEAKER_01: Oh, you're so angry at Susie.
24:14
SPEAKER_01: Oh, Susie betrayed you today, right?
24:18
SPEAKER_01: It's like, and then the questions, then the curiosity.
24:21
SPEAKER_01: And I think that's a really nice tool to throw out there to people because we don't even know what to say.
24:27
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
24:27
SPEAKER_01: And all you really need to say is to reflect back what the other person's saying.
24:31
SPEAKER_01: Right.
24:32
SPEAKER_01: It's all right there.
24:32
SPEAKER_00: It's all right there.
24:33
SPEAKER_00: You don't have to come up with any match.
24:41
SPEAKER_00: Totally.
24:42
SPEAKER_00: And that's hard because I think actually a lot of times myself and others get worried that if we are reflecting and validating, we're actually like feeding it, or whatever the big emotion is, or feeding, like I think there's an o an often there is often a fear of like going down the rabbit hole with them, you know, and that they're gonna get stuck there.
25:05
SPEAKER_00: And I I can guarantee you that's not how it works.
25:08
SPEAKER_01: No, no, and I think there's a difference, but I've I've heard that worry too, and there's a difference between um, well, you should be mad at Susie.
25:19
SPEAKER_01: Mm-hmm.
25:20
SPEAKER_01: Versus you're really mad at Susie.
25:23
SPEAKER_01: And I understand why you feel mad at Susie.
25:25
SPEAKER_01: Right.
25:26
SPEAKER_01: So it's like one is f kerosene on the fire, and the other is actually helping put the fire out.
25:32
SPEAKER_01: That's that's what's so interesting.
25:33
SPEAKER_00: That's right.
25:34
SPEAKER_00: And so if we go back to, you know, basic kind of skills around I'm worried about my kid's friends or choice of friends.
25:45
SPEAKER_00: I think that there is a time and place to to tell your kid, and maybe not a dysregulated or emotional place of to say something like, Hey, sometimes when you're with these friends, I get a little nervous.
25:58
SPEAKER_00: What's it like for you when you're with these friends?
26:01
SPEAKER_00: When they're all smoking weed or whatever, like how do you feel around them?
26:05
SPEAKER_00: Because I want you to like have your voice in those moments, you know?
26:09
SPEAKER_00: And they might be right, they might be like, I like smoking weed.
26:12
SPEAKER_00: You know, and then it's another conversation.
26:13
SPEAKER_01: But yeah, and just to bring our moms of younger kids in, it could be anything.
26:18
SPEAKER_01: It could see smoking weed, it be it could be making fun of Jill, it could be, you know, um, you know coloring in the school library books.
26:30
SPEAKER_01: I don't know, it could be anything.
26:32
SPEAKER_00: Totally.
26:33
SPEAKER_00: Right.
26:33
SPEAKER_00: I and I and yeah, emotional, you know, betrayal too, like used to making fun of someone like that shit's happening all the time.
26:42
SPEAKER_00: So when we can actually continuously pull out their experience of it, they're what regardless of the age, they're getting an opportunity to self-reflect and rem and we get an opportunity to remember this is a long, long road of learning.
26:58
SPEAKER_01: Totally.
27:00
SPEAKER_01: All right, are we complete with question number one?
27:02
SPEAKER_01: Let's say one other thought.
27:03
SPEAKER_00: And this is something I've really been sitting with lately in my own parenting, is I think I'm getting more comfortable with the idea that it's my job to give gentle reminders all the time.
27:17
SPEAKER_00: And by that I mean it's little reminders, like, you know, try saying that again.
27:24
SPEAKER_00: Or like, don't forget to turn off the lights, you know, like constantly.
27:29
SPEAKER_00: And it's and I'm I think when I say I'm getting more comfortable with it is because I'm I'm like reducing my expectation of how they should be right now in the world, and the reminder that they are just learning, learning, learning, learning, learning.
27:42
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
27:42
SPEAKER_00: And it's giving me a little more humor and peace in the reminding process.
27:48
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
27:49
SPEAKER_00: I don't know what that has to do with anything.
27:50
SPEAKER_01: Well, it's sort of as good because their next question, yes, which um I'm not sitting in front, it's not sitting in front of me, but I remember the words of it.
27:59
SPEAKER_01: It was something to the fact, to the effect of I'm fucking over being a mom for now.
28:06
SPEAKER_01: What should I do?
28:08
SPEAKER_01: And it's just reminding me of that.
28:11
SPEAKER_01: It's like, how many times do I have to tell them to turn out the lights?
28:14
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
28:14
SPEAKER_01: I don't want to do tuck-in again.
28:17
SPEAKER_01: I don't want to drive to soccer or dance or music.
28:20
SPEAKER_01: I don't want to have to help my kid with my their homework.
28:23
SPEAKER_01: I don't want to, you know, I mean, fill in the blank.
28:27
SPEAKER_01: Yes, yes.
28:29
SPEAKER_00: Anyone that can relate to this, it's listening right now, touch your heart.
28:35
SPEAKER_00: Because it's first punch.
28:37
SPEAKER_01: First punch a pillow and then touch it.
28:39
SPEAKER_01: It's so real.
28:39
SPEAKER_01: It's so real.
28:40
SPEAKER_01: It's so real.
28:41
SPEAKER_01: And I think the question came in, you know, with some emojis, so it was sort of brought in as sort of a joke.
28:49
SPEAKER_01: But of course, there's humor on one side, and there's real exhaustion and often guilt that comes with that feeling.
28:58
SPEAKER_01: And fill in the blank, especially guilt that can come that feeling when there's all this other stuff happening in the world where you know, we consider ourselves, I should be grateful.
29:07
SPEAKER_01: Why am I so old?
29:08
SPEAKER_01: Why am I saying this when I should be grateful that I have children and that I'm in a safe place?
29:12
SPEAKER_01: And the the reality is because motherhood is really freaking hard.
29:17
SPEAKER_01: Really freaking hard and exhausting.
29:19
SPEAKER_01: And exhausting.
29:21
SPEAKER_01: And sometimes we crash and burn.
29:24
SPEAKER_01: And we're more likely to crash and burn if we haven't done those little things that seem like they're not that big of a deal along the way, but that are.
29:32
SPEAKER_01: Right?
29:32
SPEAKER_01: Like getting outside every day or calling inventing to a friend, or feeling your foot on the floor, taking a deep breath, those things that we think, like, how is that gonna help tuck in for the reading the eighth book?
29:47
SPEAKER_01: Not hard, right?
29:48
SPEAKER_01: But it but it it those little things do do something.
29:50
SPEAKER_01: But we could be doing everything right and still hit that place where we're like, I'm peace, peace out, family.
29:57
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I feel like there's just no answer to that question, it other than you know, like you're saying, preventative.
30:04
SPEAKER_01: No, or you said put your hand on your heart.
30:06
SPEAKER_01: Self-compassion.
30:07
SPEAKER_00: It's sort of the only the only thing to do in that moment is to Yeah, it's like I keep reminding myself this is a marathon, not a sprint.
30:17
SPEAKER_00: And like long view of that, and it's okay to be really, really tired.
30:24
SPEAKER_00: And it's okay to like check out for a little bit here and there.
30:28
SPEAKER_01: It really is.
30:29
SPEAKER_01: Not only is it okay, but if we go back to that definition of mental health that we've talked about, which is that our internal environment matches the external environment, that my feelings inside match what's happening outside, of course you're gonna feel fill in the blank when your kid is pulling at your leg 27 times in four minutes, or you're dealing with a kid who's struggling with homework and having a meltdown, or you, you know, whatever.
30:58
SPEAKER_01: So so it's that.
31:00
SPEAKER_01: I think that I think we just found the most perfect answer, which is put your hand on your heart.
31:04
SPEAKER_01: There's literally nothing else to do.
31:06
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
31:06
SPEAKER_01: Except to be kind to yourself and be like, maybe the only other thing that you could add someone could add is I am one of a gazillion mothers around the planet that for are feeling the exact same thing right now.
31:19
SPEAKER_01: Yes, I love that.
31:21
SPEAKER_00: And like to be a mother is just so incredibly badass.
31:27
SPEAKER_00: It's just I know that's like the understatement of the year, but it really when you really think what goes into parenting in general, and to just being a human, just like showing up every day, it's really, really quite exempt.
31:41
SPEAKER_01: Even when you don't want to.
31:42
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, exactly.
31:43
SPEAKER_01: And you do.
31:44
SPEAKER_01: And so that's just like a both end.
31:46
SPEAKER_01: Take care of yourself so that you're less likely to get to that point where you're you know at the end of the rope and you want to skip town.
31:53
SPEAKER_01: And if you're at the end of the rope and you want to skip town, give yourself a little love.
31:58
SPEAKER_01: Welcome to the party.
31:59
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
31:59
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
32:00
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
32:00
SPEAKER_01: All right, what was question number three?
32:02
SPEAKER_00: Um I want to change, I don't have it in front of me either, but I want to change some styles of my parenting.
32:10
SPEAKER_00: I my we are a divorced family with two homes.
32:13
SPEAKER_00: I'm afraid that if I change the rules, they're gonna want to be with their dad more.
32:16
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I remember this question coming in.
32:18
SPEAKER_01: This felt like a really tender question because there's so much involved in here.
32:22
SPEAKER_01: There's I if I remember the rest of the content of that question, there was also some recognition that there had been some like big insights and kind of blind spots being recovered and eye-opening sort of from our podcast and from other places for this um parent that sh that there was like, ooh, gosh, I don't have limits on some things and I want to put limits in.
32:48
SPEAKER_01: And then there's that question like not wanting to make our kids angry and push them away because we've made more limits.
32:55
SPEAKER_01: When maybe there's another co-parent that's the fun household where there aren't a lot of limits.
33:01
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, this one's so hard when there's two and it can happen in the same house as well.
33:06
SPEAKER_00: It can.
33:06
SPEAKER_00: You know, when if there's two parents in the mix and they're not aligned, like good cop and bad cop.
33:13
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I mean, that I would say is one of the most common stories.
33:17
SPEAKER_00: And it's important to remember that when one is like, you know, Disneyland parent or whatever, it's like the other one tends to overcompensate and hold on tighter, which is not that doesn't feel good for that parent.
33:32
SPEAKER_00: They don't want to hold on extra tight.
33:35
SPEAKER_00: So what's the answer, Kate?
33:38
SPEAKER_01: Well, I mean, I think I would you and I will always go back to where's the wisdom lie?
33:46
SPEAKER_01: And if we go back to the, you know, this sounds like a question that's coming from a lot of fear.
33:51
SPEAKER_01: The fear is in losing connection with a child.
33:54
SPEAKER_01: If I put in boundaries and limits that I believe are in the best interest of my child's health and wellness, will I lose connection with my child in the process?
34:03
SPEAKER_01: And it's sort of, I think it comes back to several things.
34:06
SPEAKER_01: One is that when we get really quiet, when we tend to the fear and get really quiet, that wisdom has so much to say, right?
34:14
SPEAKER_01: One being if there, if there is that feeling that, you know what, it is not um healthy for my kid to have their phone in their bedroom.
34:25
SPEAKER_01: And it's like the the it's just a full body, it's a full body feeling.
34:29
SPEAKER_01: Like I it doesn't feel good when he goes in with his but to the room with his bedroom, uh, to the bedroom with his phone.
34:35
SPEAKER_01: It doesn't feel good having to have these negotiations all the time.
34:39
SPEAKER_01: Some limit needs to be put.
34:41
SPEAKER_01: Like there can be deep wisdom in there.
34:43
SPEAKER_01: And then the fear goes back to that.
34:45
SPEAKER_01: What's it like to find the confidence back?
34:48
SPEAKER_01: What's it like to find this sort of deep sense of knowing that my kid is okay?
34:54
SPEAKER_01: My kid can handle this disappointment.
34:57
SPEAKER_01: I'm okay, I can handle my kid's disappointment, and our relationship is okay.
35:02
SPEAKER_01: Our relationship can handle this um momentary um disconnect.
35:10
SPEAKER_01: Because really, if we go back to the things that we probably want to set limits on, maybe it's screen time, maybe it's um curfew, maybe it's um chores, chores, maybe it's um ways that we're eating in our household, right?
35:26
SPEAKER_01: Our kids know they don't feel good when they're doing those things.
35:30
SPEAKER_01: Right.
35:30
SPEAKER_01: So it's I think there probably needs to be that revisiting of what is it like to trust in the security or the stability of your kid, of you and the relationship, to just find confidence in the tolerance of this um this shift that's really uncomfortable.
35:51
SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
35:51
SPEAKER_01: How did that sound?
35:52
SPEAKER_00: I love that.
35:53
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I think everything you said lands so deeply, it makes so much sense.
36:00
SPEAKER_00: But I think you're talking about ways that we get fearful of their pain and them being mad at us.
36:08
SPEAKER_00: And you know it's that I think you're what landed for me the most of what you just said is I have trust in our relationship, right?
36:16
SPEAKER_00: That is actually profound, and where I go is what about the relationships that feel pretty shaky to begin with, and those are really out there too.
36:25
SPEAKER_00: Like I want to acknowledge that if you are a mom that is setting more boundaries than your partner or your ex-partner, there is a good chance you will get some rejection too if the relationship is shaky, and that is like a really big deal.
36:44
SPEAKER_01: And this is this question that's really painful, and you need a secure, healthy grown-up to reflect this question with.
36:54
SPEAKER_01: But the question might be what part am I playing in the shakiness of the relationship if we're talking about between a parent and a child from the get-go?
37:04
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
37:05
SPEAKER_01: And it's likely that there haven't been a lot of boundaries set.
37:09
SPEAKER_01: Not necessarily, but it might be that the one of the reasons the relationship is shaky is because without those boundaries, that kiddo doesn't feel safe.
37:20
SPEAKER_00: Right.
37:21
SPEAKER_00: They're pushing up against something and they want they're they're looking for the resistance.
37:26
SPEAKER_00: Right.
37:26
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they're yeah.
37:28
SPEAKER_00: I think that it can either also, in addition to boundary setting, there can also be um rule setting from a place of fear.
37:37
SPEAKER_00: So going back to our first question, like when we're setting, when we're energetically coming to the table with fear, then they feel that and then they are wobbly too.
37:50
SPEAKER_00: Right?
37:50
SPEAKER_00: So the way you were talking, you're like, when you get really quiet and you just drop into what do I know is healthy and safe for my kid, it's very clean.
38:00
SPEAKER_00: But when it's not clean, everyone in the house feels it.
38:03
SPEAKER_00: Totally.
38:04
SPEAKER_00: So I think these are this is these are like growing pains.
38:08
SPEAKER_00: I mean, it's like we try something and then we have to probably I use the language feed the attachment, um, you know, in another part of the relationship.
38:19
SPEAKER_00: So let's say there's suddenly more limits on their phone.
38:22
SPEAKER_00: It's like, okay, then where do I need to feed some of the primary needs early on?
38:27
SPEAKER_00: Because I'm changing the rules here.
38:30
SPEAKER_00: So maybe it's like we're gonna spend have more quality time together, or we're going to really make an effort to have like meals that feel good for that kid, you know.
38:42
SPEAKER_00: So food is such a wonderful way to like nourish emotionally and physically.
38:47
SPEAKER_00: Or maybe it's, you know, let's have a special weekend where we do get our nails done.
38:52
SPEAKER_00: You know, I'm setting limits, but I also see that nails are important for you and I want to meet that part of you right now.
38:59
SPEAKER_00: So I'm not all I'm not saying no to everything.
39:02
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean the other thing I'm hearing you allude to is the purpose behind the new rules and how important it is, or the limits or whatever, how important it is to bring that into the conversation so that there's a conversation around the why.
39:15
SPEAKER_01: It's not just all of a sudden everything's changing, it's acknowledging we're I'm gonna make some changes around here.
39:21
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
39:21
SPEAKER_01: And I'm gonna make the changes because I love you.
39:24
SPEAKER_01: And I don't think that what I've the choices I've been making are actually in service of you, just to own that.
39:30
SPEAKER_00: Totally.
39:30
SPEAKER_00: One last thing I'll add to that is when any of us are making changes in the home, don't do more than one at a time.
39:39
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, beautiful.
39:40
SPEAKER_00: It's really important.
39:42
SPEAKER_00: So good.
39:43
SPEAKER_00: And that goes for littles too, like if you're changing a nap routine, you know, or you know, just or adding in another chore or like a responsibility, it's like one at a time.
39:54
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and I think what you know, we're talking about regulation of our kids, but we're in our in the stability of the relationship, but we're also actually also talking about what's working, what's not working, right?
40:05
SPEAKER_01: If I I'm gonna make this up, but if I change my kid's bedroom, change screen time rules and um and change the food I'm serving all at once, and my kid um starts, I don't know, I'm I'm not clear on this, but acting out.
40:23
SPEAKER_01: It's like, okay, which of those rules was actually a good choice and which wasn't, right?
40:27
SPEAKER_01: It's like too much happening at once.
40:28
SPEAKER_01: We need to be able to like really get clear um around this shifting that we're making.
40:34
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
40:37
SPEAKER_00: How are you doing?
40:38
SPEAKER_00: I got a little bit of a headache.
40:40
SPEAKER_00: I am really impressed that you're even having this conversation.
40:43
SPEAKER_01: It's very distracting for me.
40:44
SPEAKER_00: I am like, I would literally be lying on the couch watching like sex in the city right now.
40:48
SPEAKER_01: Well, I have to go home in 15 minutes and start drinking that crap that gets me all set up to be up all night to have a clean colon tomorrow.
40:58
SPEAKER_01: TMI.
40:58
SPEAKER_01: Yep.
40:59
SPEAKER_01: Here's our last question, and maybe we'll just we'll just dip our toes into this question.
41:03
SPEAKER_01: This last question was um ha again, not in front of me, but it was something to do with it was alluding to this question what do I do if I'm worried about my kids' performance in school?
41:15
SPEAKER_01: And it had to do with grades.
41:17
SPEAKER_01: My kids' grades are slipping.
41:18
SPEAKER_01: So again, this is probably gonna be a middle or high school kid, right?
41:21
SPEAKER_01: I don't know that younger kids really get grades.
41:24
SPEAKER_00: Nor should they worry about that.
41:25
SPEAKER_00: Nor should they worry about that.
41:26
SPEAKER_01: But um, but it's an interesting question, and it's actually a question, you know, I I this is a question that I am having with my our our friend peers often, you know, that we're like, oh, so-and-so's grade is slipping.
41:38
SPEAKER_01: And what do I do?
41:40
SPEAKER_01: Do, you know, what does it look like to not too not too close, not too far, right?
41:45
SPEAKER_01: What does it look like to really help encourage our kids to get their grades off up if and when they matter?
41:51
SPEAKER_01: Those of us with high school kids, the grades matter now, trying to get into certain colleges.
41:56
SPEAKER_01: So what does it look like to support but not demand and to give space for them to learn the hard way, not to do it for them, but not to give them too much space?
42:05
SPEAKER_01: And it's a tricky question.
42:06
SPEAKER_00: This this I actually feel like probably needs to be its own podcast.
42:09
SPEAKER_00: Because it is such a good question.
42:10
SPEAKER_00: What comes up for you though?
42:12
SPEAKER_00: What's your thought?
42:13
SPEAKER_01: Well, I mean, uh my my what comes up for me, and in total transparency, this is something I'm dealing with right now, and I've never needed to.
42:22
SPEAKER_01: Um and right now it's a topic of conversation in our family.
42:26
SPEAKER_01: And I think, again, the question for me, it's a conversation about um curiosity around the goal of my kiddo.
42:36
SPEAKER_01: So, you know, how important is going to a good college for you?
42:41
SPEAKER_01: Again, we're talking about high school, middle school, right?
42:43
SPEAKER_01: What what how important is it to you?
42:45
SPEAKER_01: Well, it's pretty important.
42:46
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
42:47
SPEAKER_01: So is it important enough to do whatever you need to do to get the grades up?
42:53
SPEAKER_01: So that I'm really empowering her to take her own initiative versus saying you cannot have a C or a D.
43:05
SPEAKER_01: It's not okay.
43:06
SPEAKER_01: You have to get it because then it's fear.
43:07
SPEAKER_01: Then I'm putting fear on her, and good luck getting her to get any better grades if she's coming at it from a place of fear.
43:13
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
43:14
SPEAKER_01: So I think it's just that gentle curiosity and guidance.
43:17
SPEAKER_01: And you know, I'm gonna be totally honest.
43:19
SPEAKER_01: I I'm not a parent.
43:22
SPEAKER_01: My what college my kids go to is not gonna make or break the rest of their lives.
43:26
SPEAKER_01: That's just how I stand, right?
43:28
SPEAKER_01: So I'm much more curious about having helping her make the decisions that make that are right for her versus me telling her what her decision should be when it comes to grades.
43:41
SPEAKER_00: I love that.
43:41
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna reflect it for a minute because what you're saying is you're getting her to buy in.
43:47
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
43:48
SPEAKER_00: And that is ultimately the answer for everything getting them to buy in because when we come in with an agenda bigger than theirs, we will get.
44:00
SPEAKER_00: Resistance.
44:01
SPEAKER_00: It's called counter will.
44:02
SPEAKER_00: And it's just what happens.
44:04
SPEAKER_00: It's it's actually instinctual on their end.
44:06
SPEAKER_00: It comes in all different shapes and sizes.
44:09
SPEAKER_00: But when it's something that's important to them, then they will develop their own will around it.
44:16
SPEAKER_00: We we I'm using the word will a lot, but we want them to have their own will so that they don't have to push up against ours.
44:24
SPEAKER_00: And I love the way you frame that.
44:27
SPEAKER_00: I think that's actually the only answer.
44:29
SPEAKER_00: And then if they're like it's really important, then of course as an adult we can support them.
44:33
SPEAKER_00: Do we need help finding a tutor?
44:35
SPEAKER_00: Do you want to do you want to help?
44:37
SPEAKER_00: Do you want help advocating for yourself with this teacher?
44:39
SPEAKER_00: I think Or organizing your time.
44:41
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think that we sometimes assume, like, oh, they're junior in high school, they should know this by now.
44:47
SPEAKER_00: Great point.
44:47
SPEAKER_00: And that is actually if it's not happening, then they don't know it.
44:52
SPEAKER_00: It's that simple.
44:54
SPEAKER_00: Totally.
44:54
SPEAKER_00: You know?
44:54
SPEAKER_00: And then of course there's some parents that'll be like, I disagree, my kid's just lazy.
44:58
SPEAKER_00: And it's like, okay, well, let's look below the lazy.
45:01
SPEAKER_00: Like, what is what else is getting in the way?
45:04
SPEAKER_00: Because that's when we come to them with curiosity rather than judgment.
45:10
SPEAKER_01: And laziness.
45:11
SPEAKER_01: I mean, again, maybe this is a whole other topic, but from more from my perspective, from from the work I do, laziness is almost always motivated by fear.
45:19
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
45:20
SPEAKER_01: It's not just laziness.
45:22
SPEAKER_01: It's not just, it's just, it's not just meh, I don't want to do it.
45:25
SPEAKER_01: It's often, I don't want to do it because that is so good.
45:30
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, there's like a frozen energy with this.
45:32
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
45:32
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
45:33
SPEAKER_01: It's a fight, flight, or freeze response, right?
45:35
SPEAKER_00: Totally.
45:36
SPEAKER_00: Oh my God.
45:36
SPEAKER_00: It happened to me at work today.
45:38
SPEAKER_00: I had to write a newsletter and I got so tired.
45:40
SPEAKER_00: I just didn't know what I wanted to do.
45:42
SPEAKER_00: The brain just froze up.
45:43
SPEAKER_00: It did, and I like sat on my couch in my office and I fell asleep for 20 minutes.
45:47
SPEAKER_00: Good for you.
45:48
SPEAKER_00: And then I found I heard my voice saying, You're being lazy.
45:51
SPEAKER_00: And then I reminded myself.
45:53
SPEAKER_00: I was like, no, I just having a brain fart.
45:56
SPEAKER_00: And I'm tired.
45:57
SPEAKER_01: And you know what's so interesting?
45:58
SPEAKER_01: It's often a fear of failure.
45:59
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
46:00
SPEAKER_01: Or if you're not getting it right.
46:01
SPEAKER_01: Or if you're right, it's like, or if you're of the discomfort we feel when we're doing that thing.
46:06
SPEAKER_01: Totally.
46:07
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
46:08
SPEAKER_01: So it's that's let's put that on the podcast episode list.
46:12
SPEAKER_01: It's endless, yes.
46:15
SPEAKER_00: So, listeners, please ask us more questions because it's it's fun for us to like unpack it because we're learning right there with you.
46:23
SPEAKER_00: And we love to know what you're thinking.
46:26
SPEAKER_01: And that's a beautiful thing too.
46:27
SPEAKER_01: Again, I'll say it again.
46:28
SPEAKER_01: What one person's question is everyone's question.
46:31
SPEAKER_01: I mean, regardless of how old your kid is.
46:33
SPEAKER_01: And to our listeners to remind you, when we talk about certain age groups, there's always going to be a version of that for the other age group, whether it's a version for a younger kid or a version for an older kid.
46:43
SPEAKER_01: And so much of what we talk about is the m maternal experience of that thing.
46:47
SPEAKER_01: That's right.
46:48
SPEAKER_01: And that's where we're all the same.
46:50
SPEAKER_01: That's right.
46:50
SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
46:52
SPEAKER_01: Well, cheers.
46:53
SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Kate.
46:54
SPEAKER_01: All right.
46:54
SPEAKER_01: Let me go uh get ready for that colonoscopy.
46:57
SPEAKER_01: Have fun with that.
46:58
SPEAKER_01: Even the toilet will be ready for that.
47:00
SPEAKER_01: That's TMI for our listeners.
47:02
SPEAKER_01: Love you.
47:03
SPEAKER_01: Love you.
47:06
SPEAKER_01: Hey listeners, we sure hope you enjoyed that episode.
47:10
SPEAKER_01: And if you did, we would really love for you to share this with a friend.
47:16
SPEAKER_01: So here's the deal: we're all in this together.
47:19
SPEAKER_01: And as a community of moms, we need to make sure that no one is left alone.
47:25
SPEAKER_01: So you can help us with that.
47:27
SPEAKER_01: Please share this episode or other episodes that you found useful for you.
47:32
SPEAKER_01: Please consider writing a review and rating this podcast because when you do, it actually makes it more accessible to other moms who might be looking for podcasts that they would also find useful.
47:44
SPEAKER_01: So we are so grateful you're here.
47:47
SPEAKER_01: And if you were interested in just taking a minute or two to share and rate and review, Deb and I would be so grateful.
47:56
SPEAKER_01: Thank you for mothering with us.