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25: Sober AF w/ Jim Hernandez · Harder Than Life

• 0:00
  I'm Kelly Siegel and this is harder than life a podcast about self-love self-awareness business and health We tell outrageous stories and boil everything down to simple practical advice. You can start using today. Let's get living
• 0:15
  Hi, this is the Harder Than Life Podcast. I'm your host, Kelly Siegel. We are going to deviate today and simply have a real talk conversation with my new friend, Jim Hernandez. His story of addiction led him to homelessness for 18 months, had his car repossessed, and that isn't even the worst of it, but I'm going to let him tell you the Harder Than Life crusade to peace, freedom, and happiness, though, through, you guessed it, vulnerability. Welcome, welcome, my California brother. Isn't it early there or not? It's early.
• 0:43
  Isn't it early? It's super early there right now, right? Yeah, man. I almost sent you a text last night asking if we could redo this. Bro, thank you so much. It's with the schedules for these things. Who knew that I would actually, people would want to hear me. So if the schedule's busy, we don't get you in. It's going to be a while. But, man. Man, I booked this like over a month ago. I see that. You're a wanted man. You're in demand. Yeah.
• 1:09
  Well, it's, um, it's humbling, man. It's really humbling. It's, you don't understand. You do understand. So we're talking about, you understand the violence it took to, to get to where we are today. And that's what we're going to talk about. So Jim, tell me what's your story and what you, why does it matter? Well, man, just, just like in a nutshell, you know, um,
• 1:35
  My story is my story. It is what it is. Like, you know, so many people that are going to listen to this and their addiction recovery can relate. You know, what it comes down to is I got help from unexpected places when I was at a very, very bottom of my life, uh, was able to get help and recreate myself. And now, um, I feel like my karmic debt to society and just kind of, uh, God's path for me is to try to try to help as many other people and be that unexpected place for other people now. Um, so, you know, we don't need to get into a,
• 2:05
  We don't need to get into all the war stories right now. I read your book. I've been diving into your book, and a lot of childhood trauma played a big part. But we can only use that card so much as adults once we realize it and we start growing from it. You can only pull that card out so many times, and then we just got to get past it because we can't continue being a victim of our past.
• 2:27
  Well, we get past it, but we have to share so people can resonate and understand who you are. I mean, we're just we're neophytes in the business. Just get up and coming. So people want to know, who is Jim Hernandez? Why is he on the Heart of the Life podcast today? So it isn't we're not trying to play a victim. We're just trying to share our story because other people are.
• 2:44
  probably not as far along as you are. And they're gonna be like, oh, so wait a minute, tell me about what he, what decision, what did you call it, a harm or toxic behavior to lose your, to be homeless for 18 months? So just give us the 10,000 feet overview. Doesn't have to be in detail, just so the people will understand why you're here today. Yeah, yeah, okay. You know,
• 3:12
  a lot of being uncomfortable in my own skin, a lot of, um, uh, isolation, childhood trauma, you know, I was raised by, I was raised by a young mom. My, my, my mom happened when she was 16. She was a child trying to raise a child, you know, back in the early, early eighties, times were much different back then. No social media, no internet, stuff like that. You know, back when we had phones on a wall and all that good stuff. So, um, you know, my mom,
• 3:42
  have a man in her life for herself and as much for me. I know she wanted to, she knew I wanted that male role model, that male figure to do things with. That was, my dad was never really part of the picture of what he was, it was a lot of chaos and toxicity. But my mom would allow men to move in really easy with it really quickly. And you know, a lot of, you know, these men doing things to me that I'm sure you, we can figure it out, childhood trauma, you know, molestation, stuff like that at a very young age.
• 4:11
  And then, you know, when you realize it, when you get to the age where you realize like, oh, shit, that stuff that happened was that was some that was wrong. You know, then I had I didn't know how to deal with it and I blame myself. And so then I bottled that up. A lot of being uncomfortable. I think Hernandez. I never speak Spanish when I did go over to my dad's side of the family who was all from Mexico. They didn't speak English. So it's like I didn't fit in over there. My dad was was one of us. He was an alcoholic and he still is.
• 4:41
  a lot of violence, a lot of anger in that man, and a lot of abuse, mental and physical abuse as a child. And then just when I found alcohol, from being from a place where I never really fit in, I always struggled. I was in school, I was good at sports. I could throw a football far and I could hit a baseball far. And I was captain of the football team and,
• 5:11
  ASB president and I was expected to, I felt like I was expected to always be something I never was inside. And when I got alcohol for that first time, man, I just felt like it was a solution. All my problems, like, where has this been all my life? And so addiction really kicked in in my early, my late teens and barely early twenties. But my childhood trauma was, was still there and subconsciously and consciously affected like every relationship I ever had, whether it's a friendship,
• 5:41
  a relationship with a female. And long story short, just addiction took everything from me. My homes, my cars, led me to be homeless on the streets in LA for about 18 months. I remember right before, right when I lost my last job, I went on Groupon, if you remember Groupon, that app's still around. And I bought a membership to Gold's Gym in Venice and bought a year membership. Cause I knew I was gonna, I knew I was about to get kicked out of my apartment.
• 6:10
  And I was like, where am I going to shower? And so I bought a year membership to Gold's Gym in Venice Beach, the Mecca. And I bought a little tiny closet shaped storage unit. And so I put what I could in there and I lived out of my car until my car got repossessed. I remember I walked out of the gym one day and my car wasn't in the parking lot anymore. And I was like, okay, all right, here we go. So then I'm just on the streets in Los Angeles. And that lasted about,
• 6:39
  Another from when my car got repossessed until I got into treatment about another year. So I was living on the streets and and in and out of jail. Fifty one fifty. I don't know. Three times I've been I've been in jail and and at least 18 times in my life. And that was another identity crisis. Uncomfortable my own skin because I'm Mexican.
• 7:03
  But I've never been in gangs, I don't have any tattoos. And so inside, I didn't run with the Mexicans. I ran what they call the woods, which is the white people. And that caused a lot of problems inside, being Hispanic, the last name Hernandez, but running with the whites. So, you know, just more chaos. And so about,
• 7:24
  A year after my car got repossessed, I got help from a place called Homeless Healthcare of LA. They got me into a government-funded treatment center, which is a rehab with 53 other dudes. It was pretty much LA County Jail West, because it was all guys that were coming out of prison or off the streets. And there wasn't much recovery going there, but you could get it if you wanted it. And I decided for the first time in my life to ditch my pride and my ego and surrender. And I was fully willing. And so...
• 7:53
  that changed the trajectory of the whole rest of my life. And here I am. When was that? What year was that? Where was it? That was in Venice Beach. No, when? So that was 2016. So my sober date is February 19th, 2019. So, you know, when I got into treatment, I got to the first time I got to about 11 months. And then I went through a little relapse. But 2016 is when I actually got off the streets.
• 8:22
  So, Jim, I want to say something. First of all, I love you, and you matter, and you're now safe. And that all just resonated with me tremendously. Obviously, you just read my books. You know that I've been through all that. And alcohol, for me, got me away from all those demons, all those childhood demons, and I could be who I am. But the collateral damage that came with it. So I'm going to say a couple things, and I hope they don't trigger you, and I'm going to tread very lightly.
• 8:50
  because I want the listeners to understand what I just heard. So as a child, you thought this was all your fault, and you ended up drinking the poison and expecting your dad or your mother to suffer. And all you did is keep punishing yourself. So if this is what you're doing, look at us, harder than life,
• 9:13
  And Jim here, so we know that it's just not the way, it's not the path. And I just, my heart feels for you, man. And I'm so glad that you're here today with your sober AF shirt and you're early in the morning at the gym. And that's really what I wanna talk about is what, why did you decide to get clean and what was your why? You know, that aha moment, like,
• 9:42
  I honestly, when I decided to get clean, I had no other option to be honest. Like, you know, I was living on the streets and, and they say, you know, when you're sometimes you're all dressed up with nowhere to go, but what about when you just have nowhere to go? You know, what about when you're just sleeping under in bushes and you're sleeping, trying to hide out in little cuts, you know, because you have nowhere safe to go. And then when you're that bone chilling cold at nighttime, when you just think you'll never be warm again.
• 10:12
  I, the lights were on, but nobody was home. There was nobody inside this. I was, I was a shell walking around for a long time. I was just chasing that bottle. Like all, like I would black out five times a day when I was homeless, you know, cause I didn't want to be awake. I just didn't want to feel. So if I was awake, I was drinking straight vodka just to blackout just so I could be asleep and not feel anything. If I was awake, I didn't want to be awake. So
• 10:37
  It was just hopelessness. And so I had nothing else to do. I was at my bottom. Like I hit my bottom and I was just going parallel. I was just going like this. There was no way that were lower to go. I mean, death. They say there's a place lower than hell, but I don't know. You must've, you must've just bottomed up there. You know, I want to point out too, that there are,
• 11:00
  There is collateral damage of, like, so your mother, and I'm not trying to blame your mother in any way, state, or form, but she obviously had some childhood trauma, so she would bring in men with very little standards for herself. So what I'm trying to do is ladies, single ladies, be careful who comes in your child's life. Have standards. People call them boundaries. I call them standards, minimums. You must be this tall to ride this ride, because look what happened to Jim here. This is not...
• 11:30
  I don't want to get into it because it will crush my whole soul and I'll start crying. But that should never freaking happen. And it could have been avoided if we just said, hey, here's who's allowed to have access to the house.
• 11:47
  So love yourself is basically what I'm trying to say, ladies, ladies, single ladies, all ladies. Just love yourself. I want to ask you a question about that. You said something that I wrote around right away. Who were the people that you got unexpected help from? Because that get me thinking. I'm like, I keep saying I did this alone, but.
• 12:06
  There's no way I did it alone. And I started, I'm trying to think of where, I think the unexpected help came from people like you. Cause I'm still in the thralls. I meet some amazing people from this podcast and through our masterminds and stuff, but who are those unexpected people that helped you? First of all, it was my probation officer, my probation officer. I remember I went to LAX courthouse one day and this always blows my mind. I try to think back at it. I'm like, how did I remember I had an appointment with my probation officer? I was homeless.
• 12:35
  I was drunk 24 seven, like, but I remember it. And I went in to meet with my probation officer and she was just like, dude, you are a mess. She's like, what is wrong with you? Like you stink, smell, you look like ass. And for the first time in my life, I just told her, for the first time in my life, I told another human being, I'm like, I don't know what to do. I'm like, I need help. It was the first time I walked in my probation officer was a short little lady.
• 12:58
  And I didn't walk in there expecting to say this. I walked in there expecting to pretend like I, I still had everything figured out even though I was homeless and I was drunk 24 seven. And I asked her for help. And she turned me into a, she turned me on to a place called homeless healthcare of LA in Los Angeles. And so she made me an appointment the next day I went down there, I showed up and simply by showing up, there's a lot of power and showing up. Simply by showing up, they got me into a, you know,
• 13:25
  I didn't have money and I didn't have insurance. And I thought those are the only two ways to get into rehab or treatment. You know, I didn't know there was what they call programs, like government funded programs. And so I didn't know those existed. So I showed up to Homeless Healthcare of LA one day on Beverly in Los Angeles. And they said, hey, I'm ready to get you in a place called Phoenix House, which is a treatment center. And I said, whoa, okay, well, I don't have insurance and I don't have money. And they're like, oh, don't worry about it.
• 13:52
  And, uh, and so that was the first time, the first two unexpected places. And I got in there and, and, and in the six months, seven months, I was in this treatment center, I had counselors that genuinely cared about me. And, uh, when I didn't care about myself. So, uh, you know, when I walked in those doors, I surrendered and I just said, for the first time in my life, I said, Hey, I'm going to do whatever you guys tell me to do. Like whatever you tell me to do, I'm going to do it. So first of my probation officer, then it was homeless healthcare of LA and it was Phoenix house.
• 14:17
  and places that I didn't know existed that saved my life, changed the trajectory of the whole rest of my life.
• 14:24
  kudos to that probation officer. I got caught up in the system selling drugs in college and my probation officer did not want me to succeed. And they went out of their way to, to make me not succeed. And, and, but you know, I'm so stubborn, so hardheaded. I literally have to fight tooth and nail for, for that's what the universe does to me. It makes, it gives me, it makes it incredibly hard. So I get it through my thick head that don't do that. So kudos to that woman. Um,
• 14:54
  that's real rehabilitation and real, real help. So that's, that's a great fricking story, brother. I'm like, I, that's why I had to have you on. What were you put on this earth to do? I'm still figuring that out, Kelly, you know, 46 years old. I'm still figuring that out, you know, um, today I, I, today I really believe it's to, it's to help others, you know?
• 15:17
  What I found in recovery is recovery is a lot of reaching up and then reaching down. You know, I look up to people that have what I want. And that's what I was what I was taught when I first got into addiction recovery. Find somebody that find the people that have what you want and then hang out with those people. And but never forget where you came from and never forget to reach down and help the ones that need your help. Just like you got help from there. So.
• 15:39
  you know, I'm still, I'm still, I'm still figuring out what my plan is, my, my, my, my, my path and my, and what God had planned for me, trying to really be open and not force my will on things. You know, I do have, I work full-time in healthcare and I really enjoy what I do. I also have a nonprofit and a fitness clothing line, both addiction recovery based, both using physical fitness as a powerful tool in addiction recovery. My nonprofit's really about unity and connection and
• 16:07
  and establishing a new way of life for people through physical fitness and through unity and connection with others. And we help a lot of people. You know, I've been in, because of my businesses, my fitness clothing line, I've always said, we donate one item of clothing for each item sold. And to date, I've been in skid rows all over the US, from Brooklyn to Phoenix multiple times, to Denver multiple times, to LA.
• 16:37
  25, 30 times when we've handed out about 1500 meals and probably about 13,000 items of clothing to, uh, to, uh, the homeless. Um, I work in treatment centers often I go and I, and I, I spend a lot of time in treatment centers, addiction treatment centers, and, and ones that, you know, bring in people that are coming off the streets or, or, uh, out of prison, you know, um, uh, that have very few resources to them. Not like the passages in Malibu. I love those treatment centers, but,
• 17:05
  places that were that were the people don't really have good resources. So I think, I think right now, what I'm, what I'm trying to do is do is be open to what God's trying to show me and just help as many people as possible. And, and, and still figure things out. You're truly remarkable. You went from homeless to helping to handing out food and clothes to the homeless. So that's, I just, I lost on anybody and I love that. And I will tell you,
• 17:31
  You left off one part. You said you're reaching up and you're reaching down to help people all the while getting your teeth kicked in. It's not easy, man. Yeah. I don't, I've,
• 17:42
  I don't have the desire to have any drinks or numb anymore, but as you start peeling back the onion and the layers, you start realizing what your childhood trauma is, and some of it's really, really hard to heal. It's been ingrained in us for survival. So I just want to make sure people understand. We may make it look easy, but it is not easy. I'm in a constant state of battling. I may not have the desire to drink anymore or do any drugs at all. I don't.
• 18:12
  that's healed. It's, it's the feeling unloved or less than, or that, that I'm battling every day, which is, is it's tremendous. And I'm, I demand I say that cause I'm, I'm, I'm feeling, I think that you feel the same way. Generational curses, you know, I read your book and I read your your story and I remember you in one part of your book, you said, you're, you're determined to break that generational curse with your daughter. And I think that's a very powerful thing, you know, to be aware of,
• 18:40
  of what generational curses can be and, and, uh, recognize them and character defects are always going to be there just because we're working on them. Doesn't mean they're not going to act up. It's because I know, you know, my character defects and I'm constantly working on it, man. It's like emotional relapse. Like I know things I shouldn't do. That doesn't mean I don't always do them, you know, just similar to you. My, my obsession for alcohol and drugs has been lifted, but my obsession to be a dumb ass has not been lifted all the time. My obsession to, to, uh, to do things I shouldn't do has not been lifted all the time. So, uh,
• 19:10
  You know, that's a that's a constant battle of being awareness and staying in your conscious and in my moral compass, you know, You know, it's it's I don't have that. I literally the moment that I feel a trigger, I just I just sit in it and I don't do anything.
• 19:27
  I don't. I don't make any toxic decisions. Any. Because I know the consequences of repercussions. I've done them all. I think I used them all up. So that's funny that you brought that up because I literally was going to ask, what does your daily routine look like? Because when you're in recovery, we got to keep busy and we got to do things routine and consistently and disciplined because of the consequences.
• 19:52
  the character defects and the ability to slip really quick. Cause that, that negative momentum happens fast. You blink your eye. Oops. How did I end up here? Yeah. So what's your day? You know, what I, what I do now is not what I did years ago. You know, I think we always evolve. And so my daily routine now is much different than my daily routine was at six months out of the year, two years. Now I'm a little over four years in recovery and, uh, you know, we evolve and, and, and, uh, and we're ever, ever changing. So,
• 20:21
  My daily routine today is, you know, I wake up by about 536. I pray and meditate every morning. I'm still, I'm still figuring this meditation thing out. You know, I think the first couple of times I meditated, I'm like, am I doing this right? Like, you know, I wasn't really sure. So, but meditation is, you know, it's a very personal thing to each individual and it's going to look different for everybody. And so I'm figuring out what it looks like to me, but I do it every morning. I definitely pray I hit my knees, my higher power.
• 20:50
  has gotten me through a lot. And so I go to the gym every morning, I head into my office, put in a good day at the office. Then afterwards I usually go to a meeting. I go to AA meetings at least five times a week. So oftentimes I go to AA meetings. I work in a couple of treatment centers where I go on and I lead panels, I go into prisons and stuff and I bring speakers. And so my weekdays, man.
• 21:15
  I leave at 6 a.m. I'm very rarely home by nine. Do I recommend that? No, I don't recommend that, especially if you're in early recovery. I don't recommend that, but that's what my life is like right now. Then I have to consciously slow it down a little bit. My weekends, I tend to, I'm blessed now to have a little bit of money in my pocket where I can do a little bit of traveling. I had never traveled. All my money in my 20s and 30s,
• 21:40
  went to alcohol and I never really got, I never really traveled. You know, I, I, I came from no money. I never, I would, I would lie. I would lie and say I had money. I never did. You know, I had barely enough to get by. I think I've lived week to week pretty much my entire life until now until recently. So I can get out and do, do things now. So my weekends, my weekends are still, I have events for my nonprofit on a lot of the days, but I do lots of weekend getaways. So
• 22:09
  Where have you been recently that's been fun? I do a lot of San Diego trips. So I live in Los Angeles. San Diego is really, really close. I lived in San Diego for years. I think I went to New York for the first time last year. Been to Seattle recently. I hadn't been to Seattle since I was a young kid. I've been to Phoenix and I've been to Denver. I've traveled more since COVID I think than I have in my entire life. And so,
• 22:36
  You know, I just got my passport a couple months ago. I never had a passport as an adult. Get out of town. Where are you going to go first? Mexico? Right, right across the street. No, I wasn't allowed that passport. The government wouldn't let me have it. They didn't want me to leave the United States. So that was a bad honor. What's that? Been there, done that. Can't leave because of the felonies. Yeah.
• 23:01
  Yeah. So, you know, I feel I feel I feel almost like a human being now, almost like a grown ass adult at 46 years old. I got my passport in the mail a couple months ago. I was like, oh, have you got any plan to go out of the country? I don't have any I don't have any specific plans. I do want to go to the Philippines and I do want to go to Sydney, Australia. So those are going to be. Yeah.
• 23:25
  Yeah. You might want to just try like Jamaica or something. Something close. Anyways, do something for me and book something. Traveling experiences over things are very important. And when you go see how other countries live, it is humbling.
• 23:45
  you know, I've been all over the, all over the world and you go into a true third world country and you go into their inner villages and you see how happy people are. You go to one of these blue zones where they're the happiest people on the planet, um, because they have no stress. They're not worried about external things. So, you know, one of, we've always learned everything's internal. Happiness is an inside out job, not an outside in. So next time I talk, I want you to send me a text of where you, where you book, maybe I'll join you.
• 24:14
  I'm going to be out in San Diego soon, and I will let you know when. I have some friends that rented a condo out there. And I haven't been to California in a minute, so I'll be reaching out to you. I love it. Yeah, I love it. We'll come train together. 46 and I'm 47. I'll come put you through a workout. I want to go to that gym that you lived at for a year. Old gym, the Mecca, yeah.
• 24:42
  We're going to switch gears a little bit. My reason for branding harder than life is to create awareness for what you call harm reduction. Since I aim to be softer and accepting, I like this term. What do you mean specifically by that? Harm reduction is something that's, man, I think that's,
• 25:04
  harm reduction has multiple, uh, definitions to me, uh, harm reduction because of what I do in, in companies and organizations and other nonprofits I work with, uh, has a couple of different terms. Like I work with homeless healthcare Bella and they have a couple of different things that they have Neal exchange and then the skid row and they have, um, they have a place that, uh, where people can go use, uh,
• 25:27
  uh, in a safe environment. And so it's in Skid Row. You have to understand Skid Row is if you've never been there and I hope to God, nobody that's listening to this has, or has loved that lived that life. It's going to happen regardless. People are going to do drugs. And, um, so homeless healthcare of LA and I back this and I work with it. I don't necessarily, you know, I'm an, I'm an AA guy. I'm a, I'm a, I'm a abstinence person, but I understand that's not for everybody. And, uh, and, and, um,
• 25:54
  So they have facilities and places where people can go use. And if they OD, then, you know, staff's there to help them and bring them back to life right now. You know, lots of people hit me up on my DMS and, and, and, and, and, and talk to me and talk bad about harm reduction and very judgmental. And, and, and that's, that's for them to deal with. You know, I've,
• 26:16
  uh, OD'd a couple of times and I'm still here. So I'm a, I'm a, I'm a walking testament that, you know, people can change. It's not, you are too, you're a walking testament that people can change. So, so, uh, I don't, I don't promote harm reduction as far as like use that to, as a way of life, but I realized that for some people that's very real. And, uh, you know, so, you know, what's so funny is, is, uh, it's not funny. It's just, what, what,
• 26:41
  a group of people came in and kind of got at me in my DMS about some work I did. And, and, and, you know, and they're like, Oh, harm reduction. You guys just let people use needles and you guys are just letting, promoting people to use crack and stuff like that. And I'm like, no, that's not what it is at all, but, but they don't want to listen to it. And then, and that's their own prerogative. And I, and it got me looking, when I'm looking at, I was looking at the people and that were attacking me in DMS and I'm, I'm pulling up their, their IG and I'm looking at their stuff. Cause they're attacking me through Instagram and, uh,
• 27:09
  And I'm looking at their life and I'm like, look at these, look at these people. They don't even realize they're implementing harm reduction in their own life. They're vegan, they're gluten-free, they're this, they're that, but they're going out and being weekend warriors with alcohol and cocaine. It's like, you're doing all these healthy things Monday through Friday with veganism, eating healthy, putting on this image. And then you're going out and power playing on the weekends.
• 27:34
  you're in essence doing harm reduction also by being vegan and stuff, and then you're just destroying your body with alcohol and drugs. So, you know, they don't realize it's, they're doing the same thing. So harm reduction is something that, it's an interesting topic. It's a very sensitive topic that people are very passionate about. You know, I try to be open-minded. Let me jump in for just a second. What's that? Because those weekend warriors, I wanna specifically talk about that because that's how quickly,
• 28:03
  it spirals from a weekend warrior to being homeless for 18 months because it's the same demon, the exact same childhood trauma or trauma or wound, insert whatever the hell you're drinking for or they're doing drugs for, and it just add a little more time and a little more pain and a little more avoidance, and boom. That's why...
• 28:27
  And my thing, harm reduction is a little bit harsh because in that case, we just need to get to the root. We need to get to the root of the problem. Why are you drinking and doing cocaine on the weekends? What are you trying to mask? Let's get right there before you're on Skid Row doing it. And the harm reduction, I get that. I've always struggled with that. My father was a heroin addict, and he would go to a methadone clinic and get methadones because they said, oh, it's safer. It's...
• 28:55
  And then he ended up dying anyways. So I don't know. I mean, I get it that it's lesser, but sometimes you just prolong the inevitable. Either way, you want to change the fruit, address the root. And that's literally, you stole my next question.
• 29:12
  But what I wanted to ask you specifically, cause this, this just came up is what was the driving force in your addiction? The one thing mine was that I wasn't lovable and I desired to fit in with my friends. What was your root cause? Was it, I know what? I'm not just going to, I'm not going to stop there. What was the root cause? What made you drink specifically? Um, man, I've never had it verbalized like that before. Like a root cause that made me drink specifically. Um,
• 29:42
  it was definitely running away from things. It was definitely insecurities. It was definitely feeling like I was inadequate, like I didn't fit in. And not knowing how to properly deal with feelings, you know, so I would just numb and run away with them. So, uh, man, that's a topic I can probably go into a rabbit hole and go and speak on for a long time. My root cause was, you know, inadequate, feeling lesser than, um,
• 30:11
  uh, being very, very insecure and, uh, just not really feeling like I fit in ever at alcohol and drugs, you know, take that away. And, you know, I can sit here and say it was a childhood trauma. I can sit here and say, you know, man, you know, I'm, if there's an A behind it, alcoholism, sex addicts, sex and love addiction, like I probably got it, you know? Um, and, and I'm, I'm an advocate for multiple different programs and, um,
• 30:41
  You know, you and I both work out. I think we worked out, we worked out, you know, in my early 20s and 30s, I worked out like a monster. And, you know, I worked out for multiple different insecure reasons because I didn't like the root cause. I didn't like who this person was inside. I didn't like it. I didn't like that person at all. Nothing about it I liked. And I thought if I got myself to look a certain way, I would like myself. I got myself to look a certain way physically. I would get the woman. If I got the woman, I would like myself. If I got to look.
• 31:08
  If I got to look a certain way and get a certain way, God forbid ever any man ever try to put his hands on me again, because there was going to be a hell to be paid by a man to try to do that. You know, there's so many different things that I was trying to fix externally, like you said earlier, but this inside job. The root cause is I didn't like this person inside. That was the root cause. And until, you know, I did that ugly cry with a therapist and I talked to somebody for the first time in my life about that shit that happened to me as a kid, about those men, what they did to me.
• 31:38
  Um, and I was open and honest about it. And I could really dig into the, into the feeling and then, and then realize like, why am I a sex act? Oh, my sex act, because you know, I'm, I'm, I hurt inside. So if I have sex, I feel good inside. I'm I'm a sex act because, because. You know, my subconscious mind and my conscious mind, my first sexual experience was with the male. Am I gay? I'm not gay, but my first sexual experience was a male. So I was really confused. I didn't like this person inside. I didn't know what was going on. Um, your subconscious mind is so powerful and.
• 32:09
  They're just the root cause was I hated this person inside. And until I liked this person inside and I was okay to sit alone with this person inside, you know, it was just a whirlwind. Thank you for sharing. That's exact. Cause there's so many people that are going to listen to this and hear the same thing. And is it, you just described, uh,
• 32:28
  how I felt and I wanted to fit in and I got my, my fitting in. It's amazing how, if you want to fit in somewhere, boy, just grab a bottle and go to any local bar. There's a, there's a bunch of people. It's the road, less traveled. That's where I want to be right now, man. If everybody's doing it, I don't want it. Give me the hard way, but everything you just said, I feel, man, I had a hard cry this week, this week with in therapy, uh, about a physical abuse that my mom gave me, man. And I, I just, I just,
• 32:56
  And in the same way, man, that's why I'm a big dude. Ain't nobody putting their hands on me again. They do. They're walking away with a limp if they walk away. So I love you, and I appreciate you sharing that. That took a hell of a lot of courage, which is going to lead me to the next question, which is how's the dating pool for a sober, handsome man in L.A.? There's a rabbit hole right there in the cell. That's a...
• 33:26
  Hey, listen to me. We're separated at birth, man. We could sit here and tell stories. If I had three hours, we could go on. But everything, every single thing you're going through, I'm going through. You are not alone. You send me a text anytime, and I'll tell you, I'm in the arena battling, bro. It's amazing how when you take out drugs and alcohol, and even if you say, okay, a woman, a prospective mate can have one or two drinks,
• 33:55
  The second they see how we live, it just amplifies their insecurities, and nobody wants to deal with their issues. And here's a living proof of a man crushing life who is homeless. I am having some success at what I'm doing by just sitting in my shit, man. It's hard. I'm not going to lie. But it's a hell of a lot better than waking up with a hangover or wondering where the hell my car is or where all my money is or, in your case,
• 34:24
  where are you going to eat and sleep? And that's what happens. So again, how's your dating experience? It's bad. I can't even say it with a straight face. It's a, man, it's a very humbling experience. You know, it's, you know, I've gone on and off the dating apps and I've realized the dating apps are very, they're- Do they work? I've never been on. I mean, they do. When it comes down to dating, if I just want to be honest with myself,
• 34:51
  No, no, no. Let's start lying now. I'm really good at that. You know, obviously I'm not, I'm not, I probably wasn't ready still. I still have a lot of work to do. You know, we're always working on ourselves. And, and when I start to, you know, emotional relapse is a real thing. When I start to start focusing on other people's like what I think is wrong with somebody else, or I started partnering resentments in any way, then I realized I need to realize like sometimes I need to step back and do some inner work. And,
• 35:19
  I can sit here and I can talk about dating in LA. I can say, I can say women are pretentious. I can, you know, I can say all this, but it's not, it's obviously I'm not ready because I know going into, and LA it's a different beast, man. You know, LA people, people, and I have to respect a lot of it, people move and reroute themselves from other parts of the country and move to LA. Very few people in LA are from LA and they come here chasing a dream. And so when you do that, if you come here and you leave where you're going,
• 35:47
  to come to LA and chase your dream, whether it's a musician, an actress, whatever it is, like you're going to use people to get to what you want to do. If you have that kind of tenacity to go and reroute yourself. So it's a different dating pool. And I can't focus on the shortcomings of others. I have to realize that, that it's in God's time. And, and when I start focusing on what's, what I think, what I think is wrong with somebody else, then there's probably something within myself. So for me, dating apps were a rabbit hole that I got into.
• 36:16
  that weren't healthy for me. I met some amazing women on dating apps, but for the last six weeks since I've been off dating apps, I've probably had more serenity and inner peace. They take a lot of damn time. Dating takes a lot of time. You gotta take a lot of time and you can waste a lot of energy. I'm still sensitive inside. I'm a big dude, but I'm a cancer. I'm sensitive, I feel, and I allow myself to feel now.
• 36:42
  when there's still, I'm still figuring it out, you know, man. So, you know, I just want to say if you want to, and you'll see this as you get through the, you think you're healed. Wait till you get in a relationship. That a relation, a romantic relationship exposes things that you did. You thought you had addressed and,
• 37:05
  And boy, oh boy, oh boy. And then I start looking and going, what have I not healed in myself that I attracted this? Because your vibe, you're an energy, we're all energy. So we're attracting this. You're attracting equal and opposite. So I was looking, oh, I got some work to do still. You know what I did? You know, I was, I've really had to be comfortable with my own skin and just kind of like not give a fuck about what people think, because I'm gonna cut some hair.
• 37:33
  And so I've gone through some crazy rabbit holes. I've done stuff in the last like year and a half. Like I had my first relationship in sobriety and it didn't work out. And man, I wanted to act out right away. And I wanted to just expose this person, but I didn't. I've changed and it's not easy. I mean, it's not easy, but I didn't act out, but.
• 37:52
  In the healing process, I said, F it. I'm going to do this. I went and explored the kink and fetish lifestyle. I did that. I went and did some different lifestyle shit that I've never done, man. I did, man. I went to some sex parties. I did some shit. I'm not going to get into details. I'm healed, but invite me to that shit. I love it. I'm just kidding. Man. I was just like, you know, people, stuff that people do, people judge people for it. But there's like, you know, I've always wondered.
• 38:20
  And so I just said, you know, I'm single. I'm just gonna do all that shit I always wondered about and I wanted to do, so I just did it. I realized it wasn't for me. I went to the parties, I played with the couples, I did all this shit that we don't need to really get on. You ain't gonna find love there, brother. You ain't gonna find love there though, I'm gonna tell you that. No, but you know what? I got it out of my system, and God forgive me for doing that. I got it out of my system. So, you know, this is all part of the process of getting me ready for when I do find that woman. You know, I'm now ready, and it's like,
• 38:49
  If anybody's going to judge me for that, go, you know, yourself, because we've all thought about it. And, you know, I just did it. So I went and I did act out in certain ways. You know, I, you know, at least you didn't drink or drink, brother. I use people for sex.
• 39:04
  At least you didn't drink or drug. At least you didn't drink or drug. I honestly, I mean, I think, I think anything, I always say anything can be fixed, but dead. I think anything can be fixed, you know, as long as you're not drinking or drugging the rest of the stuff, it's, it's, it's important, but it's secondary. I mean, there are other toxins that people do, you know, porn and sex. That's, you know, that really shows you not drinking in LA and trying to date and not being not, that really shows you like test drinking your will and your, and your character because you know.
• 39:33
  so much in LA and you know, this year businessman businesses, so much businesses around alcohol and drugs, so much dating is around alcohol and drugs. And you know what? I've encountered lots of women that don't want to date me just cause I don't drink. And at first I'm just, you know, you're pride in your ego and you're not ready for it. And then it's just acceptance, you know, but as a male and our ego, sometimes that's a tough pill to swallow. Yeah.
• 39:57
  And, you know, I want to act out. Oh, you know what? Well, you just go ahead and why don't you just go waste and drink all the way all your weekends and go all – it's having to be okay with yourself. Yeah, it's standard. It's, again, I talked about those standards. And you're raising your standards. You're not an alcoholic. I mean, well, you're not drunk anymore. So you can't – you got to get rid of those standards.
• 40:21
  feelings and thoughts of the inside. It's a process, man. Believe me, I did it. I dated somebody, showed up to my house with a bottle of wine first day and drank said bottle of wine and then drove home. And I right then and there should have been a red flag. This isn't for me. Oh, no, but she was too hot. Smoking. And then, you know, six months later, I'm like,
• 40:42
  Wow, here I am in the same type of relationship that I've always been in. Got some more work to do, Mr. Siegel. And inward, I went. And I won't do that again. And I'll pay attention. A red flag is a red flag. Pay the freaking attention. And then if you keep attracting it, guess what? One finger point away, three pointing back at you. So I love how you went with, you know, it's not L.A., it's me. So that's crazy self-awareness. It means you're healing. And I'm proud of you because most people don't. What's your greatest fear, my brother?
• 41:14
  That's a phenomenal question. You know, I love that topic because it's fear, not physical harm, but, you know, fear of being rejected, fear of failure, fear of death. What is your greatest fear? So that's something that my greatest, fuck, man. You knew it was going to be deep. This is harder than life, baby. Come on.
• 41:42
  You know, my greatest fear is that my children love to go through what I went through. And my daughter is on her way right now. And it's really breaking my heart. It's something that I struggle with. And as I'm speaking right now, I'm kind of welling up a little bit because I have twins. They're 15, boy and a girl. Did you just see me get all tight? Oh, I will die. I just got all tense up. Did you see me just? Yeah. I would die if my daughter has to face what we had to face.
• 42:11
  You know, my greatest fear is I don't think it's anything for me now because I've experienced so much and I'm here and like, I'm not afraid of death. You know, I'm not afraid of embarrassment and failure. I've failed and it's going to happen. You know, so many people, when you have people like you and I, Kelly, I love dealing with entrepreneurs and, you know, you don't know what you don't know. And I love dealing with people that put themselves out there. And if we fail at life, like whatever. So many people criticize me.
• 42:35
  people for, for business failures or whatever, but people that criticize the people that aren't doing shit themselves, they're just sitting back and not taking a risk and, and entrepreneurs that, that, that, that, that talk to other entrepreneurs, like it's not a failure, it's a learning experience. So, you know, you respect the fact that somebody puts themselves out there, whether they succeeded or not. And so that's, that's nothing that I fear. I fear, you know,
• 42:59
  my children going through the life that I went through. And my daughter's going through some stuff right now and she's acting out and she's experimenting with a lot of things. And she's been through some really tough times that I went through as a child. And I never wanted that for, I never realized that it would affect me like it is until it happens. And so I'm kind of living my greatest fear right now. Something that really terrified me. I'm kind of experiencing it in the moment right now.
• 43:28
  and trying to figure it out and trying to deal with it. And I'm realizing God put me through what he put me through so I could be here for them to try to help them navigate and figure it out. I'm still figuring life out myself. Teenagers are just figuring it out one day at a time. They think they act like they've got it all figured out, but they don't. They're terrified inside, they're scared inside. And so I'm just here to try to be an example. And- May I give you a perspective?
• 43:56
  May I give you a perspective? So one of the things I'm picking up from you, because I had the same thing, was the lack of control that we had in our life as children.
• 44:06
  And why this could be happening is because it's still unhealed in you because you have very little control over those twins. And that scares the heck out of you. It's more trauma that you still need to heal and surrender. You might want to go down that path. I mean, again, I only play a therapist. I'm just saying that that just hit me.
• 44:34
  Because I do that with my daughter too. And it's just an unresolved thing that I got to let go, not be a hover parent, understand that they got to learn their way. You learned your way. I learned my way. Our ways are different. And yet we ended up here. I'm going to tell you that they're going to end up okay because they got a father that gets it.
• 44:54
  But just think about that. Did that resonate at all with you? Like that lack of control that we had as children and lack of any voice. That's the scary. That right there is one of my still major childhood wounds. It's just if things are chaos and out of control, I like things in control. I like to control things. But I learned that as I've, the more I learn, the less I know. The more control I think I have, the less control I really have.
• 45:23
  and just letting it be and knowing that the universe has got my back, truly got my back because every single thing I've made it through, every hardship, every positive, every negative, every up and down, I'm here and so are you. So hopefully that gives you a little bit, I could be way off, but we seem to be very similar. So when you are down, what can you think of that'll make you smile?
• 45:53
  You know, honestly, I think, I think about my, I think about my kids a lot. And I definitely think about them. I think about watching them, how much they've changed and seeing them that the light click to them a lot. And, and just being part of them, seeing them smile and really become comfortable. And my son more so than my daughter, my daughter, as I said, struggling. But, you know, when I'm down, I have to get out, out of myself. And so, you know,
• 46:20
  If you're in the problem and not in the solution, you're going to see in the problem and that rabbit hole is going to grow. So I don't, you know, when I'm down, I just change my environment. But in get out of self, I just have to get out of self. So I grab so much joy from watching the progress of my kids. And I'm not involved in their lives a lot. I see them a couple, once a week, once every week.
• 46:49
  two weeks, you know, something like that. But I grab joy from them and others. And I grabbed joy recently. I reconnected with my mom. I call my mom almost every morning on my way to work. And my mom lives a very, very simple life, but she's very happy. And I know she looks forward to me talking to her every morning. So when I drive to work, I call her. So when I'm down, I just try to really get out of self.
• 47:17
  So, and I go to the gym. That makes me so happy. I love that you're talking to your mom. I would, that's the one regret I have, man. I wish I had, I wish I could talk to my mother. She's just. I didn't reach out to my dad. You know, my dad and I have never had a good relationship and we never had, and my dad's a really, it's a really tough point for me, but I'll call, I still call him. I make myself do things that aren't comfortable because I know that's where I, where growth is. Growth doesn't lie within comfort zones. And so. True that. My dad's still.
• 47:44
  My dad still says things that just man. And, and, but, I reach out to him cause I know I need to, I knew, I know he loves me inside and I know in there, he knows that he doesn't really know how to communicate. And I know there's, there's good in there, but generational curses are real. And in the Hispanic culture and families, communication has never been a strong point for us. And so,
• 48:10
  talking i know there's spanish people talk i got there it's crazy they have like 40 conversations in one sentence good good good good good good that's a conversation i love it man i love it uh we're up against it i want um i want to finish with uh tell the listeners about the valor fitness clothing and the valorizing two things that you're passionate about and it's great causes yeah thanks so
• 48:37
  You know, when I was in treatment, that rehab center I told you about, there was a little raddy-ass gym downstairs. And I used physical fitness for the first time in a real powerful tool for myself, not an unhealthy tool. And I really got myself a seeing my self-worth and my self-dignity back. And that, along with the big book, Finding My Higher Power, again, really changed my life. And so
• 49:01
  you know, me just being some fireball, you know, when you're first new to recovery and you're sober, you're in that pink cloud and you're just like shooting rainbows and fucking darts of unicorn love and shit like that. I wanted everybody to be sober and I wanted everybody to use physical fitness as a tool. So I started a fitness clothing line, um, dedicated towards, you know, trying to, uh, inspire people to use a physical fitness as a tool in their addiction recovery. So I did that in 2018, still, still there. Um, definitely not flourishing in any
• 49:31
  you know, I didn't have any experience in any aspect of that, but I started and haven't quit. And, uh, and, and, uh, I started a nonprofit a couple of years ago, um, to use physical fitness also and get people together. We do lots of outdoor events. We do lots of beach workouts. Uh, we do lots of hikes. Um, we're doing Culver city stairs. Uh, and then we always do meetings like we'll up to, you know, at the end of a,
• 49:53
  an hour workout or any kind of activity, we'll do an AA, NA meeting or just check in. We've done lots of sober social events, big sober events, comedy nights, barbecue, stuff like that, bringing people in the sober community together, showing people that we can have fun sober. We have a great time and just unite and connect. And so just trying to be a safe place. You know, my, my goal with this, if you think about a boys and girls club, a boys and girls club is, is for at-risk youth. It's for inner city youth that,
• 50:20
  that at risk youth that don't have a safe place to go sometimes. And so they go here and they, they can get a word, you know, a little bit of activity and do their homework, et cetera, et cetera. For the people that I work with in addiction recovery, I work with people that don't have that have come out, you know, out of prison or off the streets and they're trying to get their lives back together. But you know, when you go, when you go to prison and you get out and, judge sends you to this little treatment center for a couple months, when you're done with that couple months, what do you do then?
• 50:44
  You know, they don't, they don't have any support back home. They don't have anywhere to go. If you're homeless and you go to treatment for three months, where do you go after that? You didn't have a home. Your family doesn't love you or they love you. They're just, they put boundaries on you. I want to be that safe place for these people to go get a workout in, spend a couple hours a day, catch an AA meeting. You know, we, we help people with the, get jobs, build resumes, get housing, whether it's section eight housing, whether it's into sober living. So we do a lot of that stuff with, with the,
• 51:14
  the marginalized addiction recovery community. They don't have a lot of resources available to them. So it's valorfitnessclothing.com and valorrising.org. They'll both be in the show notes. Check them out. They're a great cause. Jim, we're up against it. I want to tell you that you have not only Harder Than Life's full support in anything you do. I'm sad I missed the last event. If you give me enough headway or enough lead time, I'll come out and...
• 51:43
  Use me and abuse me in any way, shape, or form. You want me to speak? You want me to tell my story? You want me to do guest posing? I don't know, whatever you want. You have not only the heart of the life support, but you have my personal support. You need anything. I'm a text message away. I can't tell you how...
• 52:01
  similar we are. And I'm grateful I met you and I love you and keep doing what you're doing. And please let me know when the next event is so I can get my hard parts out there ASAP. And I'm going to end it with letting everybody know that the show is sponsored by National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day. Visit trustntm.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life.
• 52:29
  Thank you for listening. Please rate and subscribe to Harder Than Life, and let's take this to the next level. Get connected at the links below.