Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1157 - 3 Conversations Your Family Needs to Master

Transcript

#1157 - 3 Conversations Your Family Needs to Master · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:06
Speaker 1: Wouldn't it just be amazing if you could be a
0:08
Speaker 1: super communicator? Kylie? Do you feel like you're a super communicator?
0:14
Speaker 2: It depends where I'm talking to you.
0:16
Speaker 1: With me, with the kids, with the family Today on
0:20
Speaker 1: the Happy Families podcast How to Be a Super Communicator,
0:24
Speaker 1: based on a book from New York Times best selling
0:27
Speaker 1: author Charles Duhig. Hello and welcome to the Happy Family's podcast,
0:31
Speaker 1: Real Parenting Solutions, every single day on Australia's most downloaded
0:35
Speaker 1: parenting podcast. I'm just I'm here with Kylie and today, well,
0:38
Speaker 1: I had a chat with Charles Doulhig. Charles Delhig is
0:41
Speaker 1: a Pulitzerprise winning journalist, like I said, New York Times
0:43
Speaker 1: bestselling author who happens to be fascinated by how humans work,
0:47
Speaker 1: from our habits to the way we communicate. And when
0:50
Speaker 1: he's not writing best sellers like The Power of Habit,
0:52
Speaker 1: which is a personal favorite of mine and has been
0:54
Speaker 1: sitting on my bookshelf. I've read it, by the way
0:57
Speaker 1: for many years and also Smarter, Faster, Better. He's at
0:59
Speaker 1: home with these two boys and his wife in Santa Cruz, California.
1:03
Speaker 1: So I chatted with him, Kylie. He blew me away
1:05
Speaker 1: with what he had to say, and we're going to
1:07
Speaker 1: play his full interview on Saturday for our special weekend
1:11
Speaker 1: episode of the Happy Families podcast. But you and I've
1:13
Speaker 1: got some stuff to talk about because he said some really,
1:16
Speaker 1: really great stuff that we should dissect today on the pod.
1:20
Speaker 1: First thing that struck me was a beautiful illustration about
1:23
Speaker 1: how we can be super communicators with our kids. Check
1:25
Speaker 1: this out.
1:26
Speaker 3: If you think back to the conversations you had with
1:29
Speaker 3: your parents, or I think back to the conversations I
1:30
Speaker 3: had with my parents, there are very few conversations that
1:34
Speaker 3: stand out in my mind where my dad gave me
1:36
Speaker 3: a piece of advice and I was like, gosh, darn it,
1:39
Speaker 3: he's right, change everything. Yeah right, it might have happened.
1:42
Speaker 3: It probably did happen, but I have managed to forget
1:45
Speaker 3: all of them. But the conversations I remember with my
1:48
Speaker 3: dad were the ones where either I told him how
1:51
Speaker 3: I was feeling, or he asked me something and I
1:55
Speaker 3: said something in response that kind of surprised me. We
1:59
Speaker 3: tended to remember the conversations that are connection as opposed
2:03
Speaker 3: to just information exchange, and it's really hard. It's really
2:06
Speaker 3: hard to connect when like one person has all the
2:08
Speaker 3: answers and one person has all the questions. That's not
2:11
Speaker 3: a meeting of equals.
2:13
Speaker 2: So last week on the podcast, I shared an experience
2:16
Speaker 2: I had with one of our daughters who was wanting
2:18
Speaker 2: to do something that she knew I was going to
2:20
Speaker 2: struggle to say yes too. And she came and she
2:23
Speaker 2: asked me for permission, and I was in the middle
2:27
Speaker 2: of something and I just acknowledged her at that moment
2:29
Speaker 2: that I didn't feel good about it, and I could
2:33
Speaker 2: feel the emotions building up very very quickly within her.
2:37
Speaker 2: She managed to kind of kia wash them a little bit,
2:40
Speaker 2: push them down, and she said, Mum, she said, I
2:43
Speaker 2: know you're busy right now, but she said, I really
2:44
Speaker 2: want to have an adult conversation about this, So can
2:47
Speaker 2: you make some time.
2:48
Speaker 1: Isn't it great when your teenagers start saying, I know
2:51
Speaker 1: you're busy, I want to talk about something important. I
2:53
Speaker 1: want to be an adult about it. When would be
2:56
Speaker 1: a good time? I mean, what a beautiful sign of maturity.
2:59
Speaker 1: And the you kids are getting older and growing up
3:01
Speaker 1: so nice.
3:02
Speaker 2: And this has been a bit of training on our
3:04
Speaker 2: part because when the kids have come to us with
3:07
Speaker 2: difficult questions or requests, of us, and their emotions get
3:13
Speaker 2: built up because we're not giving them the response they want.
3:18
Speaker 2: I have acknowledged them time and time again. If you
3:20
Speaker 2: want to be treated like an adult, if you want
3:22
Speaker 2: to be given this greater privilege, then this requires being
3:26
Speaker 2: able to sit in this hard place and have an
3:29
Speaker 2: adult to adult conversation. I love how Charles talks about
3:32
Speaker 2: the idea that our kids want to be treated like equals.
3:36
Speaker 2: They want to feel like they have as much stake
3:41
Speaker 2: in the conversation as you. If you're the only one talking,
3:45
Speaker 2: if you're the only one finding solutions, then our kids
3:49
Speaker 2: don't feel connection. They just feel like they've been berated,
3:51
Speaker 2: they're being nagged, they're being talked at. They're not able
3:55
Speaker 2: to connect.
3:56
Speaker 1: Going back probably ten years maybe more, when our eldest,
3:59
Speaker 1: who is now in her mid Twentin was a young teenager,
4:02
Speaker 1: I remember walking up the hill towards our home one
4:05
Speaker 1: afternoon and I was doing my best to teach her,
4:09
Speaker 1: to help her to understand how life works. And I
4:11
Speaker 1: was expounding the mysteries of the universe too, or I
4:14
Speaker 1: mean I was doing such a great job. I think
4:16
Speaker 1: she was struggling with some friends, or she was struggling
4:18
Speaker 1: with something at school or whatever it was, and I
4:19
Speaker 1: was in full blown lecture mode. Keep in mind, at
4:22
Speaker 1: the time, I was still a university lecturer, so that's
4:25
Speaker 1: what I got paid to do. I got paid to profess.
4:29
Speaker 1: It's like a university professor. And while I was professing
4:33
Speaker 1: all of this stuff, she looked at me. Let's say
4:35
Speaker 1: she was twelve years old, eleven years old, something like that,
4:38
Speaker 1: and she said, Dad, why are you always trying to
4:41
Speaker 1: teach me stuff? Then she added, I don't need you
4:44
Speaker 1: to be my psychologist. I need you to be my dad.
4:48
Speaker 1: And what she's really saying is, Dad, I want connection.
4:50
Speaker 1: This is the thing that we talk about all the
4:52
Speaker 1: time on the Happy Families podcast, in all of my
4:54
Speaker 1: books and all of my presentations. Connection is feeling seen
4:58
Speaker 1: and heard and valued.
5:00
Speaker 2: When we get on our high horse, we actually make
5:02
Speaker 2: them feel inferior.
5:04
Speaker 1: Right. Here's the thing. If you go back to Charles' comment,
5:08
Speaker 1: I reckon, if we were to sit down with any
5:10
Speaker 1: of our kids and say, hey, what are the conversations
5:12
Speaker 1: that you most remember that we've had, I'll guarantee Chanelle
5:15
Speaker 1: won't remember walking up that hill and saying, Dad, why
5:17
Speaker 1: are you always trying to teach me stuff. She'll have
5:19
Speaker 1: forgotten it completely. Why because there was no connection. She
5:22
Speaker 1: wasn't feeling seen, hurt and valued. She had a father
5:24
Speaker 1: who was being a psychologist, being a professor, telling her
5:27
Speaker 1: all the stuff that she was I guess not quite
5:29
Speaker 1: measuring up with all the stuff that she needed to
5:31
Speaker 1: know so that she could navigate life better. Just doesn't work.
5:36
Speaker 2: One of the acronyms that you use from time to
5:39
Speaker 2: time is the word weight.
5:42
Speaker 1: Wait.
5:43
Speaker 2: I love this.
5:44
Speaker 1: That weight stands for why am I talking?
5:49
Speaker 2: Why am I talking? When we're sitting down with our kids,
5:52
Speaker 2: we need to ask ourselves why am I talking in
5:54
Speaker 2: this moment? Because the conversations our kids will remember actually
5:58
Speaker 2: the ones where they're doing most of the talking.
6:00
Speaker 1: Which means that if we're going to be a super
6:01
Speaker 1: communicated with our children, or even with our husband or
6:03
Speaker 1: wife or partner or spouse.
6:05
Speaker 2: It's actually about turning.
6:06
Speaker 1: It's about asking questions.
6:07
Speaker 2: Yeah, it turning it on its head. It's not about
6:10
Speaker 2: us talking, right, It's actually about us asking questions, facilitating
6:14
Speaker 2: a discussion, and then.
6:16
Speaker 1: Listening after the break. We talk about the three types
6:20
Speaker 1: of conversations. Charles Dohig has identified as what everyone's looking
6:26
Speaker 1: for when they're trying to connect Kylie. When I was
6:35
Speaker 1: speaking with Charles Douhig and we are playing the entire interview, gosh,
6:37
Speaker 1: it's a good interview. It's one of my favorite interviews ever.
6:40
Speaker 1: When I was talking to Charles, we talked about the
6:43
Speaker 1: three different types of conversations that people have.
6:48
Speaker 3: So, like, you know, when they were a little bit younger,
6:50
Speaker 3: they would come to tell me about something, and I
6:53
Speaker 3: would assume that they were coming to tell me about
6:55
Speaker 3: it because they wanted to me to solvents, right because
6:58
Speaker 3: their brother hit them, or because they something happened at school,
7:03
Speaker 3: and I assumed they were looking for my advice. I assumed,
7:06
Speaker 3: in other words, that they wanted to have a practical conversation.
7:10
Speaker 3: But pretty quickly, what I realized, what all parents realize,
7:12
Speaker 3: is no, no, no, no. When these children come to you,
7:15
Speaker 3: what they actually want is they want to have an
7:17
Speaker 3: emotional conversation. And the thing is that if what we've
7:21
Speaker 3: learned from neuroscience is that if you're having different kinds
7:24
Speaker 3: of conversations at the same time, you can't really hear
7:27
Speaker 3: each other. Right. When I would come home from work
7:29
Speaker 3: and I would complain about my day, and my wife
7:31
Speaker 3: would say, oh, you know, why don't you take your
7:32
Speaker 3: boss out to lunch. You guys get to know each
7:34
Speaker 3: other a little bit better. I would get even more
7:35
Speaker 3: upset because I wanted to have an emotional conversation. I
7:38
Speaker 3: want to tell her how I felt, and she wanted
7:40
Speaker 3: to have a practical conversation. She wanted to solve the problem.
7:43
Speaker 3: And those are both entirely legitimate forms of communication. But
7:47
Speaker 3: when you're not having the same kind of conversation at
7:49
Speaker 3: the same moment, you can't connect with each other, you
7:52
Speaker 3: can't fully hear each other. So you're exactly right when
7:55
Speaker 3: it comes to kids, oftentimes, what the first thing we
7:59
Speaker 3: have to ask ourselves is what kind of conversation has happened?
8:02
Speaker 1: So in the book Super Communicators, Charles writes about these
8:05
Speaker 1: three types of conversations. There are practical conversations that is,
8:08
Speaker 1: how do I do this? Can you help me fix this?
8:12
Speaker 1: I'm hungry, I need food. There's emotional conversations I'm feeling this,
8:18
Speaker 1: I'm struggling with that, I'm mad, I'm frustrated, I'm sad,
8:21
Speaker 1: I'm excited. And there's social conversations. Social conversations are the
8:25
Speaker 1: kinds of conversations where we're looking at one another and saying,
8:30
Speaker 1: this is how we relate to each other. These are
8:32
Speaker 1: the identities that are important to us.
8:34
Speaker 2: It's interesting as he was speaking about these three different conversations,
8:39
Speaker 2: my default response was, as a male, you are so
8:47
Speaker 2: interfix it mode, solutions, solutions.
8:50
Speaker 1: I feel like I've just been gendered. You have been
8:53
Speaker 1: because I think as a parent, like I'm going to
8:56
Speaker 1: go one further. I think males do it because that's
8:59
Speaker 1: typically what they do all the time. But if you're
9:01
Speaker 1: in a position of power or authority, if you're in
9:04
Speaker 1: a position where you have know how, you automatically assume
9:08
Speaker 1: that when somebody is coming to you they want a
9:11
Speaker 1: problem fixed.
9:12
Speaker 2: We didn't let me finish because as I was sitting
9:14
Speaker 2: there listening and feeling very vilified because you're the one
9:19
Speaker 2: who's fix it man all the time when it comes
9:21
Speaker 2: to conversations, it occurred to me that nearly every time
9:25
Speaker 2: the kids come to me with an emotional challenge, there
9:30
Speaker 2: is a desire to fix it for them, and so
9:34
Speaker 2: you're exactly right when you're in that place of power.
9:38
Speaker 2: Number One, we hate to see other people suffering, especially
9:42
Speaker 2: when it's our kids, and so our initial reaction too
9:47
Speaker 2: often is to try and solve it, to try and
9:50
Speaker 2: fix it without giving our children grace, a space of grace,
9:56
Speaker 2: and acknowledging that they actually have got what they need
9:59
Speaker 2: within them. We're just there to help guide them to
10:02
Speaker 2: find the answers.
10:03
Speaker 1: There's something that I've been doing since I've read the book,
10:06
Speaker 1: and I don't know if you've noticed it or not,
10:08
Speaker 1: but as we're having a conversation, or as I'm talking
10:10
Speaker 1: with the children, as the conversation progresses, i will look
10:14
Speaker 1: at you or one of the children, and I'll ask
10:15
Speaker 1: a simple question. Essentially, I'm saying, what type of conversation
10:19
Speaker 1: are we having? And I asked that question by saying
10:22
Speaker 1: something along the lines of what are you hoping to
10:25
Speaker 1: get out of this? Or how can I help? Or
10:28
Speaker 1: what is it that you want? Why are you telling
10:29
Speaker 1: me this? Have you noticed that I've been saying that, Yeah,
10:32
Speaker 1: you do it all the time. I was hoping that
10:34
Speaker 1: you'd say no, because I was doing it so easily
10:37
Speaker 1: and so incidentally, like it's just part of the conversation.
10:40
Speaker 1: But the reason I do it all the time is
10:41
Speaker 1: because when you say I just want to be understood,
10:45
Speaker 1: or I just want to be held, or I don't
10:47
Speaker 1: know what to do here and I need some guidance,
10:49
Speaker 1: or when you say I just want to work out
10:51
Speaker 1: where we sit in relation to the issue. I know
10:53
Speaker 1: whether we're having a practical conversation or an identity based
10:57
Speaker 1: social conversation, or whether we're having an emotional conversation. You
11:00
Speaker 1: just want to be held and hugged and listened to
11:02
Speaker 1: and have my presence.
11:04
Speaker 2: Later in the interview, he actually talks about whether or
11:07
Speaker 2: not our children want a hug, they want to be helped,
11:10
Speaker 2: or they just want to feel heard, right, and it
11:13
Speaker 2: just yeah, it's beautiful.
11:14
Speaker 1: Simple strategy. When you're having a conversation with your kids
11:17
Speaker 1: or with anybody at all, How can I help here
11:19
Speaker 1: or what is it that made you come to me
11:21
Speaker 1: and share this with me? Finding out what the conversation
11:25
Speaker 1: is about helps you to be a far better communicator
11:27
Speaker 1: and make sure that you're not talking past each other.
11:30
Speaker 1: How useful of those tips, How great are those ideas
11:33
Speaker 1: to take home message, Let's make sure that we connect
11:36
Speaker 1: with our kids and ask lots of questions and specifically
11:40
Speaker 1: understand what kind of conversation we're having. Great in the
11:43
Speaker 1: view a great conversation with Charles Douek. We will play
11:45
Speaker 1: the entire thing on Saturday from go to woh so
11:49
Speaker 1: that you can get all of the best snippets. I
11:51
Speaker 1: recommend the book as well. The book is called Super Communicators,
11:55
Speaker 1: How Do Unlock the Secret Language of Connection? Compelling storytelling,
11:59
Speaker 1: amazing sights. I loved it. Charles Doing is the author
12:03
Speaker 1: of that book, New York Times bestselling author and Pulit
12:05
Speaker 1: Surprise winning journalist. The Happy Family's podcast is produced by
12:08
Speaker 1: Justin Rowland from Bridge Media. Please leave us a five
12:11
Speaker 1: star rating and review if you're enjoying the pod. When
12:13
Speaker 1: you do that, it helps other people to find the
12:14
Speaker 1: podcast make their families happier. Oh and you get a
12:17
Speaker 1: little bit of a warm, fuzzy inside because you've helped
12:19
Speaker 1: us to help other people. Everyone wins and it only
12:22
Speaker 1: takes you twenty or thirty seconds to do it. Wherever
12:24
Speaker 1: you're listening, leave us a five star rating and a review. Please.
12:27
Speaker 1: If you'd like more information and more resources about making
12:29
Speaker 1: your family happier, you'll find it all a Happy Families
12:31
Speaker 1: dot com dot au