Latest / Success Story with Scott Clary / Lessons - The Mental Health Expert With 50M Views on Why Anxiety Controls Everything You Do | Dr. John Delony - Author of Building a Non-Anxious Life

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Lessons - The Mental Health Expert With 50M Views on Why Anxiety Controls Everything You Do | Dr. John Delony - Author of Building a Non-Anxious Life · Success Story with Scott Clary

• 0:00
  In this lessons episode, discover why redefining enough can protect success from becoming a source of burnout.
• 0:06
  Understand how anxiety can signal problems that need attention.
• 0:09
  Explore why building margin and prioritizing peace creates a stronger foundation.
• 0:13
  And uncover how separating identity from achievement can lead to a healthier, more intentional life.
• 0:25
  So when you're looking at...
• 0:27
  So I didn't even realize that you were on call.
• 0:29
  So there was a different version of stress and anxiety in the first season of your career.
• 0:33
  And equally as potentially unhealthy, although it feels great to work more and earn more, but equally as unhealthy because there's a whole other problem with that entrepreneurial version of anxiety and stress.
• 0:45
  So for those two people, those are two very real avatars of people that are listening to this show.
• 0:51
  There's the entrepreneur and there's the really hardworking W2.
• 0:53
  Maybe not all the time on call, maybe.
• 0:57
  What is the work that you did to figure out how to exist in life?
• 1:04
  And what is some work that you wish your W2 version of yourself would have done?
• 1:09
  To figure out how to exist and operate in a healthy space, in a healthy way that maybe now you're doing.
• 1:15
  Man, I think that question is probably the most important question of this century right now.
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  And here's the showdown that happened.
• 1:25
  And I'll answer the question because I've had to go back and say, ask myself and be pretty reflective.
• 1:32
  I had just was coming off the heels of a number one book and I'd never written a book before.
• 1:37
  And so the fact that it shot up and did what it did was amazing.
• 1:40
  Then I'm finishing this draft of the second one because the publishing team immediately wants to crank out another one.
• 1:45
  Right.
• 1:46
  And now I'm speaking all over the country in that.
• 1:49
  Yeah.
• 1:50
  And speaking for me is is at the time because the show hadn't exploded yet.
• 1:54
  But the was where I made a vast majority of my money.
• 1:57
  And then the show started to take off and I'm sick.
• 2:01
  I think I had COVID, but I'm sick.
• 2:04
  My family had just left after a week of Christmas at my house, which it was one of those Christmases.
• 2:09
  It just didn't go well.
• 2:10
  Nobody really wanted to be there.
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  It was just kind of awkward-y.
• 2:13
  We've had some amazing ones.
• 2:14
  This shit wasn't that one.
• 2:15
  It was cold.
• 2:16
  We couldn't do anything.
• 2:18
  And I'm down in the gym working out because I've made my, part of my self-identity is I have to look a certain way.
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  It doesn't matter how old I am, how tired I am.
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  I have to keep doing this because you've got to snap into a flu gym.
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  And I'm sick.
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  I'm working out.
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  And my manager calls and says, hey, I got these two new speaking gigs.
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  And I start screaming.
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  It was shapeshifter money for my family.
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  And by the way, my dad was a cop.
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  My wife's parents were school teachers.
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  So we didn't come from anything.
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  So all of this is a wild roller coaster that we're on now.
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  And I'm screaming and hollering, like cheering, so much so that my wife comes down the stairs into the basement, and she's laughing.
• 2:58
  She's like, what are you doing?
• 3:00
  And I told her, I got this and I got this, and she met me in the middle.
• 3:04
  And you have to know her.
• 3:05
  She's very quiet, and she's just not confrontational in that way.
• 3:10
  And she came and got real close to me and said, I'm watching my husband die, and I'm watching him cheer every step of the way.
• 3:18
  And it ended with her saying...
• 3:22
  John, in the pie chart of how much I love you, that pie piece that is how much money you make is full.
• 3:28
  Anything else you make from this point forward, I told you I would never tell you no, so go do whatever you wanna do.
• 3:33
  But you cannot say it's for me and for these kids.
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  This is for your ego.
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  And here is the answer to your question, I think that is super important for all of us, especially entrepreneurs.
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  She turned and looked at me as she was walking away.
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  She said, John, we have enough.
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  And then she walked away.
• 3:52
  And dude, I was so pissed.
• 3:55
  And then as I got through the anger, which the anger was me covering up grief, right?
• 4:00
  That's how I was trying to defend my ego is to get mad.
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  But I did not have a psychology for the word enough.
• 4:06
  I didn't know what that meant because they'd either been on call 24-7.
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  It was this thing that's enough.
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  You just do it until the job gets done or this kid might die.
• 4:13
  You got to keep just doing what you got to do.
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  And so when I meet with healthcare professionals or attorneys or first responders, that's their world.
• 4:20
  They get a paycheck, doesn't matter, and they just got to keep showing up because if they don't, somebody's going to get hurt.
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  The other side of it was like I didn't have a psychology for enough.
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  I always operated from a position of lack.
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  And so in a weird way, I am busier right now than I was then.
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  And my marriage could not be better.
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  My relationship with my two young kids could not be better.
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  But it's because my wife and I sat down at the beginning of it.
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  We sit down at the beginning of every season now and we say, what is enough for this season?
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  What's it going to look like?
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  You got a book coming out.
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  You're going to be on the road.
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  Okay, here's what must be true relationally for our marriage.
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  Here's what must be true for your interaction with the kids.
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  So here, that means you're going to have to get up earlier because I'm going to take my kids to school in a few days a week because that's where the only time I'm going to have to connect with them.
• 5:09
  We're going to go to breakfast, and that means I'm going to have to alter my workouts for the next four months.
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  Right?
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  I can't do it all.
• 5:14
  But it's answering that question, what's enough?
• 5:17
  And not forever, but what's enough in this season?
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  I think entrepreneurs have a – it's a cancer because you get $5 million –
• 5:24
  in revenue and immediately your friends go to you what are you gonna go to 10 or your next question is all right when's the next book coming or when's the next sale or when's the next deal and a 10 million dollar business is a radically different business than a five million dollar business and that might not be you and if you make five million dollars you've won the cosmic lottery you've won
• 5:45
  But in the entrepreneur world, it's, when are you going to get 25?
• 5:48
  Are you going to get to 100?
• 5:50
  And it never stops.
• 5:51
  And so asking yourself, okay, we have enough.
• 5:55
  Do we want to go do something else?
• 5:56
  And what's that going to cost us to go do that?
• 5:58
  I just call it the cancer of enough, man.
• 6:00
  Dude, I don't think anybody has that conversation with themselves.
• 6:04
  I speak to a lot of entrepreneurs.
• 6:06
  I speak to a lot of entrepreneurs.
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  And I see so many burned relationships, burned out people, sick people, unhealthy people.
• 6:13
  Yeah.
• 6:14
  And it's sad because they realize it when they sell.
• 6:19
  When they achieve what everyone would dream to achieve as an entrepreneur, they sell their business for $20 million, $30 million, $40 million, $50 million.
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  Plus, wife is gone, health is down the shitter.
• 6:31
  Then they start working out.
• 6:32
  Their kids don't want to talk to them.
• 6:34
  Yeah.
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  Like, this can be unpopular.
• 6:41
  But I remember watching that amazing documentary on Michael Jordan that ESPN put out.
• 6:46
  I forgot the name of it, but it was incredibly well done.
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  But there's a scene halfway through that series where Michael Jordan is sitting on a couch inside of his hotel room.
• 6:55
  And he looks at the camera.
• 6:57
  He's all by himself.
• 6:58
  And he can't go to the bathroom in the lobby because he's going to get mobbed.
• 7:02
  And he looks at that camera and he says, you don't want my life.
• 7:04
  And he just signed some $90 million deal, which back then was a...
• 7:08
  $80 billion, whatever.
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  Of course.
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  But I remember I kept thinking as I watched that documentary, the greatest player of all time.
• 7:16
  There were six pieces of cloth hung from that gym, right?
• 7:21
  Those six world championship banners.
• 7:24
  And as I watched that thing more and more, I kept asking myself, what?
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  For what?
• 7:31
  You're going to lose your kids and your family and your life and your ability to move around.
• 7:36
  Every human that's with you is on a payroll.
• 7:37
  Like you have no close friends who just think of you with laughter and joy and warmth.
• 7:43
  Nobody, when they have something cool to share, thinks of you to call.
• 7:46
  Like for what?
• 7:47
  And that's a sensational example, right?
• 7:50
  The greatest basketball player of all time.
• 7:51
  But the picture was sometimes to be the greatest, it costs you everything.
• 7:56
  And I always want people to ask, like, just know the cost, man.
• 7:59
  Go do it if you want to do it.
• 8:00
  But it's going to cost you your soul.
• 8:01
  And you're going to get that $20 million deposit.
• 8:06
  And, dude, I remember when my first book hit number one, I called my mom.
• 8:10
  I called my wife.
• 8:12
  Dave Ramsey called me and was cheering and screaming into the phone.
• 8:15
  And then I went back to the hotel room, and I had nobody to call.
• 8:20
  And it's one of the loneliest, like, now what?
• 8:23
  Right?
• 8:23
  And so I just don't want entrepreneurs to ask that, like, for what?
• 8:26
  What am I about to miss...
• 8:29
  X, Y, and Z 4.
• 8:30
  And it might be worth it, dude.
• 8:31
  It might be worth it.
• 8:31
  I miss a lot of stuff because it's an endgame that I'm playing.
• 8:34
  But for what?
• 8:36
  For what?
• 8:38
  When your wife asked you or told you, rather, you know, we have enough.
• 8:43
  This is not for me.
• 8:45
  This is not for us.
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  This is not for the kids.
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  So then how do you now set objectives and what's your new North Star?
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  Because that's a tough pill to swallow.
• 8:56
  You realize that everything you're doing is now for your ego.
• 9:00
  If you believe what she said, if you consider what she said to be true and curious if you think- Oh, she was 100% right, 100% right.
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  Okay.
• 9:08
  So how do you go into the next meeting the next week and set an objective when you know that it's just for yourself?
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  Because now I solve,
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  The first goal, the first variable I'm solving for is peace.
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  That's it.
• 9:28
  What will bring me peace in the next six months?
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  And sometimes that's going through hellacious times, right?
• 9:35
  Navy SEALs train really hard, so...
• 9:38
  they can have long seasons of peace, right?
• 9:41
  And so solving for peace doesn't mean you cash out.
• 9:43
  Solving for peace means I'm going to be on the road for five months.
• 9:46
  I'm going to be home three nights a week and speaking and out doing stuff the other four nights a week.
• 9:52
  So that...
• 9:53
  right?
• 9:54
  And so I'm always solving for peace.
• 9:57
  And then I will solve for accomplishments and then I'll solve for money and then I'll solve for these other things.
• 10:04
  Dude, get your second house, get your third house, buy that farm in that town and do that stuff, but have it be for a purpose, right?
• 10:14
  And as long as I'm solving for peace, I'll have chaotic seasons, but they're going to be
• 10:24
  Otherwise, you're trying to find peace amidst chaos.
• 10:27
  And, dude, alcohol works really well.
• 10:31
  Yeah.
• 10:31
  I was going to say, this is... Xanax works well.
• 10:34
  Sleeping with somebody else brings you peace for a second.
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  And then it destroys everything.
• 10:39
  It just adds more chaos to the fire, right?
• 10:41
  Of course.
• 10:41
  And so let's solve for peace.
• 10:43
  And let's reverse-engineer our lives that way.
• 10:47
  I love it.
• 10:48
  I just, I'm listening to this story and I love that, you know, you're writing a book for other people and you teach for other people, but you're also teaching yourself.
• 10:57
  I'm living it.
• 10:58
  Yeah.
• 10:59
  Making me assumption, but I think like everything that you put out into the world, this is how I operate.
• 11:03
  When I tweet something or when I put out a post, like, yeah, maybe people think it's cool.
• 11:07
  They retweet it.
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  I'm like, bro.
• 11:09
  I'm just talking to myself.
• 11:11
  That was a note to myself that I should be learning.
• 11:13
  Yes, yes.
• 11:14
  I mean, anytime I write like a never yell at your kids again, that's a note to myself, right?
• 11:20
  That's not me lecturing y'all.
• 11:21
  That's me.
• 11:22
  Here's how that story ended.
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  I left.
• 11:26
  I went and checked into a hotel for about 10 days, seven to 10 days.
• 11:29
  I remember.
• 11:29
  It was over a week.
• 11:31
  And I started the book over again.
• 11:33
  Because I realized in that moment I was not living the principles of the book I was writing.
• 11:39
  I was lecturing people.
• 11:41
  And so I left and I went and sat in a hotel surrounded by a bunch of gummy candies and I...
• 11:47
  I pulled up a seat at the bar and said, hey, me too.
• 11:50
  Let's figure this thing out.
• 11:51
  And it made it for a totally different experience because I wasn't living the things I was lecturing America about.
• 11:57
  And I'd created a very, very anxious home.
• 12:00
  And my wife and my kids and I, we all deserve more of it.
• 12:03
  So anxiety...
• 12:06
  In that particular instance, before you fixed and solved and sort of took a fresh perspective on what you were writing and what you were teaching and what you were putting out into the world, anxiety was very much tied to your identity, right?
• 12:19
  It was all tied to who you are and what you were doing.
• 12:22
  and the culmination of your life and your work.
• 12:26
  So if you were going to, and I think that maybe one of the first things that people can do outside of just taking a good hard look at themselves is find a way to remove the stress and the anxiety from their identity.
• 12:37
  So they don't feel like this is who they are.
• 12:40
  This is just a part of their life that hopefully they can eventually work through and fix.
• 12:46
  Outside of removing yourself, going to the hotel, posting up at the bar, getting some gummy worms or whatever, and writing your book, how did you start to remove the negative portions of anxiety and stress that were included in your being from your identity so you could operate as a person who can now try and fix it?
• 13:06
  Does that make sense?
• 13:07
  Yeah.
• 13:08
  I mean, it sounds like semantics, but I didn't try to remove anxiety.
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  I tried to be honest about what my body was trying to tell me.
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  My body was trying to tell me, you've got to rest.
• 13:20
  My body was trying to tell me, you've got to reconnect with your wife.
• 13:24
  Y'all are now running parallel lives in the same house.
• 13:28
  You've got to repair your relationship with your kids.
• 13:31
  So it was, the anxiety was right.
• 13:34
  My body was working great.
• 13:36
  It was...
• 13:38
  Me asking, okay, what are the things I need?
• 13:40
  Where are the fires in my house I need to put out?
• 13:42
  So the alarms will quit ringing.
• 13:43
  If I deal with the fires, the alarms take care of themselves.
• 13:46
  And I don't want to live in a house without alarms, by the way.
• 13:50
  Like the goal isn't to remove anxiety from your body.
• 13:54
  You can do that pharmacologically and it'll kill you.
• 13:56
  Your house will burn down.
• 13:58
  I want those alarms to go off.
• 14:00
  I just have to know that when they go off, it's my body trying to, as Wendy Suzuki says, Dr. Suzuki, she says, anxiety's a friend, man.
• 14:06
  It's just getting your attention, dude.
• 14:08
  And I want it to get my attention so I can go address the issue that it thinks is at hand.
• 14:16
  So then, you know, when you even look at like, the name of the book is A Non-Anxious Life.
• 14:21
  So actually that's not even what you're trying to achieve.
• 14:25
  The result will be,
• 14:28
  anxiety not impacting you to the same degree, but ultimately it's about understanding where it comes from.
• 14:33
  Yeah, and so follow the path, man.
• 14:37
  And if you do these things on a regular basis, of course you're gonna have trials, you're gonna have tribulations, your mom's gonna get cancer, your wife might cheat on you.
• 14:44
  Like things will happen in your life,
• 14:46
  But your body will always know you're in the driver's seat.
• 14:50
  And it doesn't have to sound the alarms because it can handle things if you've got margin, if you've got a foundation built.
• 14:57
  Thanks for tuning in.
• 14:58
  If you found this valuable, don't forget to hit that subscribe button so you never miss an episode.
• 15:02
  And if you want to dive deeper into this conversation, check out the links in the description to watch the full episode.
• 15:08
  See you in the next one.