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An Unlikely Affair: This is What Rock Bottom Really Looks Like · Untraditionally Lala

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Hi Amber, Hilelah, Welcome to an unlikely affair. Hello babes,
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Welcome back to an unlikely affair. I am here with
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: my main my superstar, the love of my life, my
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: new best friend.
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: I feel like we bonded on a new level in
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: San Francisco.
• 0:21
  Speaker 3: One hundred percent we did.
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: What was that?
• 0:27
  Speaker 4: It was just time away locked in a beautiful hotel room. Wait,
• 0:31
  Speaker 4: can you tell a story how we really had two
• 0:33
  Speaker 4: hotel rooms? And then then what happened?
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we get there and iHeart is like, yeah, of
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: course we got you two separate rooms. And I was like, well,
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: why would you do that? And so I asked Amber,
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: I was like, do you mind, like you can like
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: shower at that room, but can you like stay in
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: my room? And iHeart said, why don't we just get
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: rid of one room. We'll put you guys in a suite.
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: And so I loved that for me and my baby
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: because what baby won't baby get? And it was just
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: like such a cute experience, like I missed you in
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: the bed. When I got back to LA you were
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: like sending me pictures with an empty spot where I
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: was laying.
• 1:11
  Speaker 4: I know you stayed a day later than me, Yes,
• 1:14
  Speaker 4: I did, and it was very sad. It was very
• 1:16
  Speaker 4: like a big energy shift, and I was like, wait,
• 1:19
  Speaker 4: where is my other half?
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: Well, I kept saying her. I'm like, why can't you
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: switch your flight? Like I know, She's like, there's only
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: two flights out of Bozeman, and there's one Saturday morning.
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: I've already missed the Friday one. I was like, there's
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: gotta be a way that you can just like come
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: back to LA with me, because then you can like
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: be with me for Super Bowl and then you can
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: go back to Bozeman. I like had this perfect plan
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: in my head that didn't work out. But I'm going
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: to see you soon, which makes me very happy. But
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: I do feel like we bonded on a whole new
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: level when we traveled to San Franciso.
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: Hundred percent yeah.
• 1:51
  Speaker 4: And I told you, like I'm I've been told I'm
• 1:54
  Speaker 4: pretty easy to travel with, and I've learned you're also
• 1:56
  Speaker 4: a great travel partner, so I will go anywhere you
• 1:59
  Speaker 4: would like.
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: Well, and we're very much on the same page. So
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: we asked on the Unlikely Affair page what people wanted
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: us to talk about. And I have to say anytime
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: I did this when I had the podcast give them
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: La La, even untraditionally La La people love a sobriety podcast.
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: I think there's a lot of people who are struggling
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: with addiction and don't know how to give it up.
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: And so a lot of people wrote in and they
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: were asking, like, I want to know about a mental
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: health journey and your guys's sobriety journeys. And I always
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: talk about how sobriety is not one size fits all.
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: Your journey Amber is very different than mine. What you
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: chose to pick up is very different than what I
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: chose to pick up. And I'm really excited to get
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: like your rock bottom moment because I actually have never
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: heard your rock bottom moment.
• 2:52
  Speaker 4: That's really crazy. I don't know your rock bottom moment,
• 2:55
  Speaker 4: you know, it's funny. I was looking at the questions
• 2:57
  Speaker 4: that we received beforehand, and I was also thinking to myself,
• 3:02
  Speaker 4: I don't know much about your sobriety story. I know
• 3:06
  Speaker 4: you're sober, but I don't really know much about your program.
• 3:09
  Speaker 4: We don't go to the same meetings, or we don't
• 3:11
  Speaker 4: I mean, Lala and I are in the same program
• 3:14
  Speaker 4: for those of you who are listening, but like you said,
• 3:19
  Speaker 4: our journeys are very different, and I think I was
• 3:22
  Speaker 4: spiritually broken for me, and a lot of it had
• 3:26
  Speaker 4: to do with things that I dealt with mostly in
• 3:30
  Speaker 4: my twenties, But I think for me, I was even
• 3:34
  Speaker 4: spiritually broken even before then. Like growing up, I always
• 3:39
  Speaker 4: felt I had this like severe sadness. I felt things
• 3:44
  Speaker 4: so deep it was hard to even articulate. I didn't
• 3:47
  Speaker 4: feel like I could turn towards certain people in my
• 3:50
  Speaker 4: life to really explain how I felt, so I kept
• 3:53
  Speaker 4: it inside and I just kept pushing it down.
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: Do you feel like that's what made you gravitate toward
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: acting as well? Because it was an outlet where you
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: could put what you were feeling into a character and
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: maybe that felt more safe to you.
• 4:05
  Speaker 3: One hundred percent it was truly. I mean, I grew up.
• 4:09
  Speaker 4: My sisters are engineers, my dad and my mom have
• 4:13
  Speaker 4: had a business that has nothing to do with the arts.
• 4:15
  Speaker 4: So for me, yeah, I was a very deeply feeling
• 4:19
  Speaker 4: lost soul. But I knew very early on as soon
• 4:22
  Speaker 4: as I got that acting bug, and I truly also
• 4:26
  Speaker 4: believe that we were born with these gifts. So in
• 4:30
  Speaker 4: a way, my higher power was leading me towards acting
• 4:34
  Speaker 4: or the arts in general, right, But I was just
• 4:37
  Speaker 4: trying to escape my own thoughts. And then I got married,
• 4:40
  Speaker 4: and then I had kids really young, and then whatever
• 4:44
  Speaker 4: anxiety and depression I had already had as like a baseline,
• 4:47
  Speaker 4: it just grew, right, So I was managing. I was
• 4:51
  Speaker 4: just managing these feelings that were so overwhelming. And then
• 4:54
  Speaker 4: you start telling yourself stories and then eventually you just
• 4:56
  Speaker 4: believe the stories that you're telling yourself, right, And so
• 4:59
  Speaker 4: for me, I just needed what I called my tranquilizers
• 5:04
  Speaker 4: to get by, to get through, to get through the day.
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: When you say your tranquilizers, were you picking up pills?
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: Was that you're you're my drug of choice? Ok, per
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: I mean.
• 5:16
  Speaker 4: I alcohol is a part of my story, But I
• 5:19
  Speaker 4: was never I was always a lightweight. Yes, Like I
• 5:22
  Speaker 4: remember back in the day when I would drink. I
• 5:25
  Speaker 4: remember my first hangover when London was like six months old,
• 5:28
  Speaker 4: and I was like, I swear to God, I will
• 5:30
  Speaker 4: never do this again, because it's at like five point
• 5:32
  Speaker 4: thirty in the morning and your baby's crying and you
• 5:34
  Speaker 4: feel like throwing up. And I was like, that was
• 5:36
  Speaker 4: probably like my first lesson. I think all moms have
• 5:39
  Speaker 4: probably experienced that.
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: I haven't experienced that because I got to oh that's
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: right before I had kids. But yes, they're even my
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: friends who are completely like their normies, right, and they
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: have like, instead of just two glasses of wine, they
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: go for the third and they're like, never again will
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: I do that? And it's like, I mean from the
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: time you have children to the time that they're like
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: self sufficient because they need you, like you got to
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: wake up to take them to school. Like the whole
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: thing is just a lot. I cannot imagine parenting with
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: a hangover.
• 6:15
  Speaker 4: No, it's awful. It really, it really is awful. And
• 6:19
  Speaker 4: I never I never drank and drove my I was never.
• 6:25
  Speaker 4: I was never that. I literally just wanted to stop
• 6:28
  Speaker 4: feeling the pain. And for me, the easiest way to
• 6:30
  Speaker 4: be able to still cope and function in my life
• 6:33
  Speaker 4: and show up was was xanaxo, was this or oh
• 6:37
  Speaker 4: you have that, let me try that, let me do
• 6:39
  Speaker 4: this and of that, and the oh let me try
• 6:41
  Speaker 4: to also manage my anxiety and depression. With my psychiatrists,
• 6:44
  Speaker 4: it was just like a recipe for disaster. Until I started,
• 6:48
  Speaker 4: I realized, stop fighting with yourself, right, I had to
• 6:53
  Speaker 4: stop fighting with myself and stop suppressing all of these
• 6:57
  Speaker 4: emotions and get really clear on what matters to me.
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: And when was that? Would you say, like, do you
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: remember the day it was or was it a build up?
• 7:07
  Speaker 4: So I got sober for I was sober for two
• 7:12
  Speaker 4: years when I was in my last long term relationship
• 7:15
  Speaker 4: after my marriage, that's a long time. I was trying
• 7:18
  Speaker 4: to help the other person get sober, and I was like,
• 7:20
  Speaker 4: you know what, I'm going to be a good partner.
• 7:21
  Speaker 4: I'm going to give up alcohol. I'm going to give
• 7:23
  Speaker 4: up everything. And it was, I think subconsciously a little
• 7:26
  Speaker 4: test for myself.
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: So you gave up pills and drinking, you were like
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: a sober person, yes, yes.
• 7:36
  Speaker 4: Then when that person decided to start picking up and
• 7:41
  Speaker 4: drinking again behind my back, I was like, well, if
• 7:44
  Speaker 4: you're going to do it, then what the fuck am
• 7:47
  Speaker 4: I doing this for?
• 7:48
  Speaker 3: Right?
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: Right? Well, because you weren't doing it for yourself, you
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: were doing it for someone else, right right, which everyone
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: knows in the program you cannot get sober for someone else.
• 7:55
  Speaker 4: You have to get sober for yourself, right exactly. So
• 8:00
  Speaker 4: So I went out and I started drinking again. I
• 8:02
  Speaker 4: was having a time. I was dating, and now I'm
• 8:05
  Speaker 4: like dating for the first time since I was what nineteen,
• 8:11
  Speaker 4: wow when I got eighteen when I got married. I
• 8:14
  Speaker 4: was nineteen when I got married, twenty was twenty twenty
• 8:16
  Speaker 4: when I got married. It's all a blur at this point,
• 8:20
  Speaker 4: and I didn't know how to date. So now on
• 8:23
  Speaker 4: top of all my trauma trying one failed marriage, one
• 8:28
  Speaker 4: failed relationship, now I'm dealing with kids, I'm dealing with dating.
• 8:34
  Speaker 4: I'm dealing with my career. The pandemic hit. You know,
• 8:37
  Speaker 4: no one's working, and then you have all the actors
• 8:39
  Speaker 4: strike and the writers strike, and I'm just like, I'm
• 8:42
  Speaker 4: a hot mess, and I'm like, where's.
• 8:44
  Speaker 3: My life going?
• 8:45
  Speaker 4: And I think there was one particular date that really
• 8:49
  Speaker 4: I woke up and I said, I really need to
• 8:53
  Speaker 4: stop drinking if I'm going to be serious about finding
• 8:55
  Speaker 4: the right partner, because you keep choosing making the same mistakes.
• 9:00
  Speaker 4: What stories are are you telling yourself? What patterns?
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 9:03
  Speaker 3: At this point, I was like, I think I'm.
• 9:06
  Speaker 4: The problem, and you stop pointing the finger at everyone
• 9:09
  Speaker 4: else and look at my own life and my choices.
• 9:13
  Speaker 3: And so I first came in through alan On.
• 9:16
  Speaker 4: I was like, I want to understand what these people
• 9:17
  Speaker 4: that have so many issues, you know, what they're about.
• 9:21
  Speaker 4: And then I would go to these mixed alan on
• 9:23
  Speaker 4: in AA meetings and listen to each side talk, and
• 9:30
  Speaker 4: again it's that little voice nudging you, going like, oh,
• 9:33
  Speaker 4: you're not really an alcoholic because I hadn't had a DUI,
• 9:36
  Speaker 4: I haven't been homeless. I've lived a pretty damn good life.
• 9:40
  Speaker 4: My kids are healthy. I've never had any you know,
• 9:42
  Speaker 4: major disasters. I'm not sitting in front of a judge
• 9:45
  Speaker 4: begging for you know, a shorter life sentence, none of that.
• 9:48
  Speaker 4: And I never knew that that doesn't have to be
• 9:51
  Speaker 4: your story in order to enter.
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: The that's the addiction talking.
• 9:55
  Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, And so I and I said, you know
• 9:57
  Speaker 4: what I'm going to give. I'm going to give AA
• 10:00
  Speaker 4: try And the second I walked in those rooms, it
• 10:05
  Speaker 4: just all came out.
• 10:06
  Speaker 3: I mean I.
• 10:06
  Speaker 4: Cried for a year straight, a year straight. I don't
• 10:10
  Speaker 4: think there was a day that I didn't cry. And
• 10:12
  Speaker 4: then I would cry because I was crying and I
• 10:14
  Speaker 4: was like, what is who are you going with me?
• 10:16
  Speaker 3: You know, I just didn't understand what was happening.
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: Time. Yeah, yeah, you for the first time are left
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: with the shit and nothing to numb it. You're having
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: to take a good, hard look at your life, the
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: choices you've made, all of the times that you want
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: to blame everyone else, and you have to then go, well,
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: what was my part in this? It's a lot, but
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: I'm telling you. When I entered the rooms and I
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: picked up the big Book and I looked at the
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: twelve steps, I was like, I don't want to say
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: right off the bat, because it did take some time,
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: but I was begging for sobriety. I knew that I'm
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: never going back to this life that I used to live.
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: And I was like, this is so beneficial to human
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: beings in general. You don't have to be an alcoholic
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: to practice these steps. This is what we all should
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: be living by every single day. Granted we live that
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: way because you know, we are addicts and we have
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: the alcoholic mind that decides to when we do practice
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: these things, we go, oh, no, this is too much.
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: I need to pick something up. I need to I
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: can't deal with thinking about my part in things. There's
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: no self reflection. Honestly, Amber, there were so many moments
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: that I would wake up and say, like, you need
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: to stop drinking. I never labeled myself an alcoholic, but
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: there were. It was every morning, this vicious cycle of
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: waking up so depressed and needing a drink. And then
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: my dad died and I just leaned in heavy. I
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: was drinking from the moment I woke up until I
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: passed out. I was chaotic. I would go from being
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: really happy and okay because I had just the right
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: amount of alcohol in my system to breaking down, screaming
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: profanities in public and needing to get to a room
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: or a pillow to just scream into it. I felt
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: so lost and my life was so unmanageable, and I
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: remember going on a trip. So I actually went to
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: a therapist, a psychiatrist, and we were talking and it
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: was me, our ex and the psychiatrist, and as we
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: were talking, you know, they were looking at is she bipolars?
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: She's severely depressed throughout all of this. She asks our
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: ex to leave the room and she starts asking me
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: about my drinking, and she asks me to take down
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: a phone number. And I pause, and I was like,
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: because in my mind I was like, I just like drinking.
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: I'm a fucking good time. I'm nothing is wrong with
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: my life. I don't have a DUI, thank god, because
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: I was drinking and driving. Absolutely I was drinking and driving.
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: And my mom told me after I got sober, her
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: biggest fear every time I called her was the fact
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: that I was in the car and she knew that
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: I had been drinking. And I had to work through
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: a lot of shame in that. But I was like,
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: I'll get sober when I have kids, because I can't
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: drink and be pregnant.
• 13:24
  Speaker 4: That was my thought process. I was fucking insane. That's
• 13:27
  Speaker 4: when the party ends is when you have that.
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: That's when the party ends is when I when I
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: have a baby. She I say to her, you know,
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: are you asking me to be sober, because like that's
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: not going to happen. I had already made up my mind.
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: She goes, I'm not asking you to do anything. I'm
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: telling you that if you need this number, you have it,
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: and if you don't want to use it, you don't
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: have to use it. I was like, all right, put
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: the number in my phone. We go with your children,
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: my niece and nephew. We have like twenty six people
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: that we go to Disney World with. We're there for
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: the weekend. I am obliterated the whole time we're at
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: Disney World. I can't, I can. I have two, maybe
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: three vivid moments of that trip. I constantly was wondering
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: where the bar was. I remember excessive amounts of alcohol
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: being brought into the car because I didn't know if
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: they had a bar there, and I needed my rodies.
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: And then I remember going through the gift shop Easton
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: and I getting a bottle of Hennessy to take on
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: the private plane, and I say, and face chugging it
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: out of the fucking bottle. And I always think how
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: ironic it is that I hit my rock bottom thirty
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: thousand feet in the air because I let the kids
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: draw all over my legs. I mean, I was tanked.
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: I couldn't get any drunker. We land, I go to
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: my apartment, I go to sleep. I wake up my
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: mom and Easton and his girlfriend had flown away. I
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: look at my apartment and my shit is everywhere. I
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: remember that night I had scrubbed my legs so that
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: I wouldn't wake up with the remnants of just the
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: trip right amber when I tell you, I sat there
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: and I was like, I am an alcoholic and I'm
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: reaching out today to that woman. I texted RX, I said,
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: I need to talk to you immediately. I'm coming to
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: the office. I remember sitting in his office and saying,
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: I'm letting you know that I'm identifying as an alcoholic
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: and I'm going to be reaching out and getting help today.
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: And I've never been so broken, but I've never felt
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: more hopeful in my entire life. I reached out to
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: the woman. She said, I want you to call me
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: every day and I want to meet with you every
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: single day until you meet your sponsor who I'm going
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: to introduce you to. My first meeting was on was
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: in Brentwood, and then I went to another one and
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: I remember this woman who had like forty something years
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: and she goes, I promise you when I see you
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: in thirty days, you're going to be a new human. Literally,
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: after thirty days, she came up to me. She was like,
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: you look different. You have light in your eyes. She
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: was like, I want you to keep coming back. I'm
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: praying that you keep coming back. It's the best decision
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: I ever made in my entire life.
• 16:14
  Speaker 3: Thank you for sharing that story.
• 16:16
  Speaker 4: And I know that's like it's you know, to say
• 16:18
  Speaker 4: your story out loud and again, because we don't necessarily
• 16:23
  Speaker 4: always share it in this way.
• 16:25
  Speaker 3: So thank you for doing that.
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: Well, I appreciate you doing it too, because I think
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: it's important that you remember your rock bottom moment often
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: so you remember why you chose this life.
• 16:37
  Speaker 3: I realized that I was trying to.
• 16:41
  Speaker 4: By drinking and taking pills and just bad behavior. I
• 16:45
  Speaker 4: was seeking control. That's what I wanted. I wanted to
• 16:48
  Speaker 4: be in control. And then it's like, okay, well why
• 16:51
  Speaker 4: do I want to be in control? Because I have
• 16:52
  Speaker 4: so much grief and I didn't want to get out
• 16:54
  Speaker 4: of the grief. I was trying to get out of
• 16:56
  Speaker 4: the grief. I just didn't know how. It's like I
• 16:58
  Speaker 4: was in this hole and I was just every time.
• 17:01
  Speaker 4: But again, it's like these stories that we repeat in
• 17:03
  Speaker 4: our head over and over again that keeps that addiction alive.
• 17:07
  Speaker 4: And well, how did you in the first thirty days.
• 17:14
  Speaker 3: Cope from not drinking? Did you go to rehab?
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: So the first meeting that I had with this woman,
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: and she wasn't She was a case manager, so a
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: lot of people I paid her because she dealt with
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: people who are coming out of rehab, and my first meeting,
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: she said, after I told her my story, she said,
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: I think you need to go to rehab. And I said,
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: listen to me. I am so dead set on being sober.
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: If I relapse, I promise you I will check myself
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: into rehab that fucking day. But just give me a shot,
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: because I think I can do this. I want it
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: so badly. And she actually gave me. When the Brent
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: Shapiro Foundation, which for those of you who are not
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: familiar with it, it was started by Robert and Linnelle Shapiro,
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: the attorney and his wife, and they lost their son Brent,
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: to drugs. So what they do is inspire our youth
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: junior high to high school and incentivize them that if
• 18:17
  Speaker 2: you stay sober, you have a shot at getting a
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: full ride scholarship to a college. I love your choice. Wow.
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: So it's a wonderful, wonderful charity. I just I love
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: everything about it. But when I met Bob, he said,
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: I would really love to give you the Spirit of
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: Sobriety Award this year. This was, you know, during season
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: we were actually filming season ten, and this woman who
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: saved my life, I call her my angel. I called
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: her and she picked up and walked me through what
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: my new life was going to be like. She gave
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: it to me, presented me with this award, and she
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: said and in her speech, and this stuck with me.
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: She said, you know, this is my unicorn. And there's
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: so many times that people reach out to me, and
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: I know that they've been reaching out to you on
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: like how do you stay strong in your sobriety? And
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: I don't really know how to answer it because it's
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: just a feeling that I have that makes me feel
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: so happy and good. There's moments I pass bars and
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: I go, oh, a drink would be really good right now.
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: But then I walk myself through the rock bottom moment
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: and where that will lead me. And there's there are
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: days where I can't stay sober for myself and I
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: stay sober for my kids.
• 19:41
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's a pause, it's a spiritual pause. I think
• 19:43
  Speaker 3: that's what the program gives us is these tools, the
• 19:48
  Speaker 3: tools from AA gave me a foundation.
• 19:50
  Speaker 4: But I also need outside help because a lot of
• 19:52
  Speaker 4: people think like, oh, if you have mental health issues,
• 19:55
  Speaker 4: then you can't take any SSRIs. That's not that's not
• 20:00
  Speaker 4: true at all. I think everyone's program is very different.
• 20:05
  Speaker 4: If you need outside help meaning therapy, or you need
• 20:07
  Speaker 4: a life coach, whatever it is, you create your own toolbox,
• 20:11
  Speaker 4: which is so beautiful, like we have a set of tools.
• 20:15
  Speaker 3: Do the twelve step program right.
• 20:17
  Speaker 4: Don't be a part of a twelve step program if
• 20:19
  Speaker 4: you're not going to work the twelve steps.
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: And once you're finished with the twelve steps, you always
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: go back to one. It's never done.
• 20:27
  Speaker 4: I'm on my second round and let me tell you,
• 20:29
  Speaker 4: I'm doing it with a different sponsor. I'm having a
• 20:32
  Speaker 4: different experience. And it doesn't matter if you've been sober
• 20:34
  Speaker 4: forty years, thirty years, twenty years. From what I've heard
• 20:36
  Speaker 4: in these rooms is that you always have a different
• 20:38
  Speaker 4: experience every time you do them, and stuff comes up
• 20:41
  Speaker 4: all the time, right because life is happening right, And
• 20:44
  Speaker 4: it doesn't mean that life is not messy.
• 20:46
  Speaker 3: Trust me.
• 20:47
  Speaker 4: I have to wake up every day and I say
• 20:49
  Speaker 4: to myself, literally.
• 20:50
  Speaker 3: Today this was my day.
• 20:51
  Speaker 4: I wake up five o'clock, my head's already going and
• 20:54
  Speaker 4: I'm like, Nope, you're not going to do this. You're
• 20:56
  Speaker 4: going to get to your head before your head gets
• 20:58
  Speaker 4: to you.
• 20:59
  Speaker 3: And that's what I have to say.
• 21:00
  Speaker 4: I love that so then immediately I put in my headphones,
• 21:06
  Speaker 4: I do my Joe Despenza meditation, put myself into gratitude.
• 21:11
  Speaker 3: I say my third step prayer.
• 21:13
  Speaker 4: Now I'm working on my seventh step, which is a
• 21:15
  Speaker 4: completely different experience than I had before.
• 21:19
  Speaker 3: And I pray and then and then I go about
• 21:23
  Speaker 3: my day.
• 21:23
  Speaker 4: So if I do not get to my head before
• 21:26
  Speaker 4: my head gets to me, that's the first step. It's
• 21:29
  Speaker 4: a twenty four hour program and that is what I need.
• 21:32
  Speaker 4: And then I have all these other tools. Go to
• 21:34
  Speaker 4: the gym, you know, if I need a pause during
• 21:36
  Speaker 4: the day, whatever it is, call you know, you're sine
• 21:40
  Speaker 4: my routine.
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: You have a routine.
• 21:42
  Speaker 3: So it's like a daily reprieve and that's what they
• 21:44
  Speaker 3: call it.
• 21:44
  Speaker 4: So people that are listening that want to get sober,
• 21:49
  Speaker 4: just know it's not easy, but it's worth it. And
• 21:52
  Speaker 4: like there is a program, find a sponsor and start
• 21:54
  Speaker 4: working the program. That is the only way that sobriety
• 21:57
  Speaker 4: has worked for me. For me, it was just rebooting
• 21:59
  Speaker 4: my life emotionally spiritually. I had to strip myself down
• 22:02
  Speaker 4: and it still happens on a daily basis and some
• 22:05
  Speaker 4: days I'm spiraling and guess what I can call you,
• 22:08
  Speaker 4: I can call my sponsor, I could journal pen to
• 22:11
  Speaker 4: paper like it. Just these are the tools that I
• 22:13
  Speaker 4: need every day to make sure that I'm spiritually.
• 22:19
  Speaker 3: Okay in a line.
• 22:20
  Speaker 4: Yeah, and not every day is perfect that and I
• 22:23
  Speaker 4: say this all the time.
• 22:23
  Speaker 3: Growth is not linear, like you just have to start.
• 22:36
  Speaker 2: I want to go back to what you said as
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: well for anyone who wants to get sober, because they
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: call it the pink cloud. When you first get sober
• 22:44
  Speaker 2: and you feel elated and youphoric, but then life still
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: happens and now you're forced to deal with it with
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: nothing to numb you out. You're there head to head,
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: face to face, and it can become I mean, I
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: go back to when my sobriety was very much tested.
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: My sobriety wasn't tested when I lost my dad because
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: I got I had my last drink exactly six months
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: to the day that my dad passed away. And honestly,
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: when I had that moment of you're an alcoholic and
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: you're never living this way again, I felt my dad amber.
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: I felt my dad come to me and say, like,
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: enough is enough, and now you're going to warn me
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: the way that I deserve to be mourned, and after
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: that I had such like a positive experience thinking about him,
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: like before that drinking six months. I've seen people who
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: have lost their parents, right, of course, they're devastated, but
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: they're moving through life in their mourning in such a
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: healthy way. I wasn't doing that. I was just beside myself.
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: I couldn't get a grasp on what I was feeling.
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: I couldn't even go through a grieving process because anytime
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: I was awake, I was just numbing the fuck out.
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: But my sobriety was very much tested when I left
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: my ex. And I think about what I achieved in
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: such a short period of time. And I'm not even
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: talking about the tangible shit I'm talking about, like becoming
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: a single mom. I'm talking about my independence that I
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: really have never had, like those things. It was put
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: to the test. And I think about if I had
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: picked up a drink, how different this story would have ended.
• 24:42
  Speaker 4: And you were there for your mom. Think about if
• 24:44
  Speaker 4: you weren't sober, how you couldn't show up.
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: And then I was able to allow my mom to
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: grieve the death of her husband. I mean she couldn't
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: even every time we were together I mean she and
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: I would both go to Ralph's near my apartment, and
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: it started at as a bottle of champagne for both
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: of us, and then we each got our own bottle.
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: And then when she went back to Utah, she lived
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: in normal she was in normy, but when she was
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: with me, we were numbing the fuck out. And you know,
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: my mom doesn't drink anymore strictly based off of like
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: just supporting me in Easton. She's not sober, she's not
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: in a program. She just doesn't drink. But when people,
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: when people want what we have, I always prepare them.
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: Look at who you're choosing as your sponsor, because that's
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: going to be your fucking lifeline. You also have to
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: really sit down and commit to really looking at yourself
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: and your addiction and finding your higher power and knowing
• 25:46
  Speaker 2: that when you go out into the world, life is
• 25:48
  Speaker 2: still happening. It doesn't stop because you've gotten sober. People
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: are still going to act the way they act. People
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: are still going to pick up drinks. You have to
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: now think about what you can control. And that's so
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: funny that you talked about you would pick up because
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: you wanted control over something you finally realize the only
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: thing I have control over is myself and what I
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: choose to do, and that could.
• 26:11
  Speaker 3: Be sometimes the hardest thing to let go of.
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: I know, I want to control everything.
• 26:16
  Speaker 3: Of course we all do.
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: Like yesterday, I wanted Ocean to wear something cute and
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: she put on a pink striped shirt with a green
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: plaid skirt and hot pink shoes, and I was like,
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: I'm picking my battles. This is a negotiation that I
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: will not win, but I want to control everything. You're like,
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: you don't much.
• 26:38
  Speaker 4: What about your spirituality compared to being sober? Like were
• 26:42
  Speaker 4: you spiritual before you were you got sober?
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: I was raised like you were raised Mormon, like you
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: had you had a very structured faith, correct, Yeah, mine
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: was not. Mine was like we would pop into like
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: a no nominational tri where like everyone was in jeans
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: and like or in like ski outfits because they were
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: gonna love that. It was wonderful. It's like a rock
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: band that would play and they talked about very much
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: like everyday issues that were happening in our lives, and
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: it just always seemed to speak to me. But spirituality
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: was like at the forefront of our family because my
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: dad was raised very Mormon and that was traumatizing for him,
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: and my mom was raised in a very Christian household,
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: which I think was a little intense for her. So
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: they came together and created just like we believe in God,
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: and that's what it is. When my dad passed away
• 27:37
  Speaker 2: is the first time I questioned a higher power. So
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: I'm like, there were a God, I would not feel
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: this way. You wouldn't have taken my dad, this wonderful man.
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: You would have taken the piece of shit who's causing
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: people harm. Like that was my mindset. When I got sober,
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: Oh gosh, I leaned hard into my higher power, which
• 27:59
  Speaker 2: for me is is God. I don't think he's a
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: man in the sky by any means with like a
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: beard and looking all sexy, okay.
• 28:12
  Speaker 4: Right right right, or that one movie, uh Telldigan Knights,
• 28:18
  Speaker 4: he's like a he's a man, he has.
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: A beard, Yeah exactly. He doesn't look like that for me.
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: But when I left our ex bro, that's when I
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: was like, God is fucking alive and well and he's
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: fucking working hard, and this universe has my back and
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: this is all gonna make sense one day. I didn't
• 28:41
  Speaker 2: question any of it because it was all I fucking had.
• 28:45
  Speaker 3: M gosh, I didn't have that experience, but I'm glad.
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: You did know. But when that happened to you, you
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: weren't sober. No, do you think it would have happened
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: if you were sober?
• 28:58
  Speaker 4: Oh?
• 28:58
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean I definitely would have.
• 29:00
  Speaker 4: I would have definitely had a some sort of different experience.
• 29:04
  Speaker 4: But like growing up Mormon, it was great because it
• 29:09
  Speaker 4: kept me grounded ish as a kid. They also say
• 29:14
  Speaker 4: Mormon girls are like the horniest ones, Like if you
• 29:16
  Speaker 4: go to Utah, they're always.
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: Like is it true?
• 29:20
  Speaker 4: Me?
• 29:20
  Speaker 3: No, what are you talking about?
• 29:22
  Speaker 2: Now? Not at all?
• 29:23
  Speaker 3: That is such a lot.
• 29:25
  Speaker 2: That is such a lot, baby.
• 29:27
  Speaker 4: But but I realized that like this, and I question
• 29:33
  Speaker 4: everything in the Mormon Church. I remember when I before
• 29:35
  Speaker 4: I got baptized, I was like why why? I was
• 29:37
  Speaker 4: like a three year old when I was like, I
• 29:38
  Speaker 4: think it was nine when I got baptized.
• 29:40
  Speaker 2: I only feel like the Mormon Church's worst nightmare. Put
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: your questions on the shelf, baby.
• 29:46
  Speaker 3: I know they did not like me.
• 29:50
  Speaker 4: And then all of a sudden, then I started going,
• 29:54
  Speaker 4: you know, my I promised my exit we would raise
• 29:57
  Speaker 4: the kiss Jewish and I was like great, Like I
• 29:59
  Speaker 4: was so happy, and then I love being part of
• 30:01
  Speaker 4: the Jewish community and I was up you know, at
• 30:04
  Speaker 4: the temple and whatever and night. So I kind of
• 30:06
  Speaker 4: like started finding my own spirituality.
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: Did you ever convert to Judaism?
• 30:11
  Speaker 4: I started the conversion process right before I moved to Montana,
• 30:13
  Speaker 4: so recently.
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: Are you still wanting to do that?
• 30:17
  Speaker 3: Yes? I do. I would like love.
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: So that's that is the religion that speaks to you
• 30:22
  Speaker 2: the most.
• 30:23
  Speaker 3: It is, it really is. I'm not you know, I
• 30:26
  Speaker 3: struggle with that laala.
• 30:27
  Speaker 4: I really do, because I want my kids to have
• 30:31
  Speaker 4: some sort of foundation. And I just wanted tradition. I
• 30:35
  Speaker 4: think that's what I was craving at the end of
• 30:37
  Speaker 4: the day. I wanted a family that like walked in
• 30:40
  Speaker 4: and had maybe not to temple together. I wanted Shabbat
• 30:44
  Speaker 4: dinners And it wasn't It was just about lighting the
• 30:47
  Speaker 4: candles and having a moment where the phones were put
• 30:49
  Speaker 4: away and we were just thinking about this beautiful life
• 30:52
  Speaker 4: that God has given us.
• 30:53
  Speaker 3: And I fought that.
• 30:53
  Speaker 4: I was like, you asked for this, and now I'm
• 30:55
  Speaker 4: begging for it and it is what it is, and
• 30:58
  Speaker 4: so now I'm on. I think my own what AA
• 31:01
  Speaker 4: has given me is my own relationship to a higher power.
• 31:06
  Speaker 4: And I don't force anything down my kids. I do,
• 31:09
  Speaker 4: especially with London because she's older, and when she goes
• 31:12
  Speaker 4: through a hard time or she's having a hard day,
• 31:15
  Speaker 4: I say to her things like maybe you should pray.
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: What does she say when you tell her that? She goes?
• 31:22
  Speaker 4: I know, And sometimes I ask, I said, do you
• 31:25
  Speaker 4: want me to pray with you? And sometimes she does
• 31:27
  Speaker 4: and sometimes she doesn't. And I think that just letting
• 31:30
  Speaker 4: my kids find their own spiritual relationship with whatever it
• 31:35
  Speaker 4: is right, And I even told my girls, I said,
• 31:37
  Speaker 4: it could be in the beginning, let it be whatever.
• 31:40
  Speaker 4: Let it be a special tree outside or a special
• 31:44
  Speaker 4: It doesn't have to be like we said this man.
• 31:46
  Speaker 4: It could be a man or a woman or whatever.
• 31:49
  Speaker 4: You could just pray to the universe, to Mother Nature.
• 31:52
  Speaker 4: And when you strip yourself down spiritually that way, and
• 31:56
  Speaker 4: you give yourself the permission to make these steps towards
• 32:01
  Speaker 4: realizing there's something greater than yourself, then you find something
• 32:06
  Speaker 4: and then you ask like okay, God, like if you're
• 32:11
  Speaker 4: here today, like just let me know that my angels
• 32:15
  Speaker 4: are with me, and then for me, I'll see my
• 32:17
  Speaker 4: eleven eleven, or I'll see when I was in La,
• 32:19
  Speaker 4: I would see Hummingbird or the other day. I was
• 32:22
  Speaker 4: just like, I didn't really feel like my angels were
• 32:25
  Speaker 4: with me. And I said, are you there, and if
• 32:26
  Speaker 4: you are, show me something red, no joke. I walked
• 32:30
  Speaker 4: out of my room and I looked out my window
• 32:35
  Speaker 4: across like a thousand yards and I saw a piece
• 32:39
  Speaker 4: of a red house. And I would never look out
• 32:42
  Speaker 4: the window when I walked out my room. Then Riley's
• 32:45
  Speaker 4: friend comes down the stairs and she put on Riley's
• 32:49
  Speaker 4: red sweatshirt.
• 32:50
  Speaker 2: Oh my gosh.
• 32:51
  Speaker 4: Then I'm driving the girls to a steakhouse Riley and
• 32:54
  Speaker 4: her two friends. And I had at this point, I
• 32:57
  Speaker 4: had completely forgot that I had asked the universe for
• 33:00
  Speaker 4: I need to show me anything red.
• 33:01
  Speaker 3: And it just came to me. And there's a red
• 33:03
  Speaker 3: truck driving in front of me.
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: You're like, bitch, you want to know we're here. We're
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: gonna show you read all day.
• 33:08
  Speaker 3: I'm like, what, Okay, I get it. You're here.
• 33:11
  Speaker 2: So when you forget, you could ask, just ask, you
• 33:15
  Speaker 2: know what, though, Amber, there are so many moments, even
• 33:19
  Speaker 2: though I know that, like I'm being looked after, like
• 33:22
  Speaker 2: I can feel that. I know that, but I'll pray
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: and I will tell him. I'm like, I'm having a
• 33:27
  Speaker 2: really weak moment. I'm questioning you, buddy, what the fuck
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: is going on? I just want to know, just want
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: to fucking know, Like, what's the game plan here? Buddy?
• 33:37
  Speaker 2: You know again, I know you're there and I'm being weak.
• 33:41
  Speaker 2: But my mom always says, so I'll have these moments
• 33:45
  Speaker 2: of saying like I'm really questioning it, man, and she'll go,
• 33:50
  Speaker 2: you want to question him? Just wait and see what
• 33:53
  Speaker 2: he'll do if you question him. I'm like, well, I
• 33:54
  Speaker 2: don't know that God. If that's your God works, I
• 33:57
  Speaker 2: don't know that. I want that God to just see
• 34:00
  Speaker 2: how bad it fucking can get. I'm like, I don't know.
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: World seems kind of bad right now, seems pretty pretty bad.
• 34:07
  Speaker 4: I say that those moments that I have right when
• 34:10
  Speaker 4: you ask, it's like a God wink. It's like God
• 34:13
  Speaker 4: winking at you, going I got you.
• 34:16
  Speaker 3: And it's okay.
• 34:17
  Speaker 2: And after I pray and sometimes i'll loop, I'm like
• 34:21
  Speaker 2: I still got the pit, like I need to feel you,
• 34:24
  Speaker 2: And then all of the sudden it just like goes away.
• 34:27
  Speaker 2: I'm like, all will be good. Let's be grateful for
• 34:31
  Speaker 2: our health, things that are right in front of us.
• 34:33
  Speaker 2: In fact, I'm really really bad at going to meetings
• 34:37
  Speaker 2: right now, Like I'm gonna be very transparent. I am bad,
• 34:41
  Speaker 2: but I'm a part of this group chat and I'm
• 34:44
  Speaker 2: very transparent with my sponsor. Like we were supposed to
• 34:47
  Speaker 2: start going to meetings every Thursday, and there was a
• 34:50
  Speaker 2: time where I had canceled and I was like, I'm
• 34:52
  Speaker 2: gonna be honest. I was like, I would actually rather
• 34:56
  Speaker 2: just like chill with my kids this morning. I don't
• 34:57
  Speaker 2: really want to hit a meeting. And she was like,
• 34:59
  Speaker 2: you know what, why don't we start? Just like if
• 35:02
  Speaker 2: you feel you're strong in your sobriety, this is where
• 35:05
  Speaker 2: finding your sponsor comes into play. I don't want you
• 35:07
  Speaker 2: freaking calling me every day. I've been sober for over
• 35:12
  Speaker 2: seven years. Granted I could pick up a drink tomorrow
• 35:15
  Speaker 2: and it could all be gone, but like, I will
• 35:19
  Speaker 2: call you. I want this bad, And I do call her.
• 35:24
  Speaker 2: I call her when shit gets fucking real. And she's
• 35:26
  Speaker 2: given me epic advice, like life changing advice, but she
• 35:32
  Speaker 2: has me in this gratitude text thread, and it allows
• 35:36
  Speaker 2: me amber to sit back and go, what am I
• 35:39
  Speaker 2: grateful for? I'm so consumed with all the things that
• 35:42
  Speaker 2: are not right in this moment. Let's take a step
• 35:46
  Speaker 2: back and look at the things that have gone right.
• 35:49
  Speaker 2: And it kind of resets me. I'm supposed to list
• 35:54
  Speaker 2: three things, but I could list a thousand right now
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: because there's so much good happening that I'm not focused on.
• 36:01
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's the best, haven't you.
• 36:03
  Speaker 4: It's like those those simple things that you think that
• 36:06
  Speaker 4: are like so annoying to do, Like I don't want
• 36:09
  Speaker 4: and I have the same thing.
• 36:10
  Speaker 3: It's part of the program.
• 36:11
  Speaker 4: I have my list of girls that I and I
• 36:14
  Speaker 4: just get Sometimes I get lazy and I know, I know,
• 36:17
  Speaker 4: and I'm not doing it. I get a little eared
• 36:19
  Speaker 4: wool and I get discontent and I'm like, oh, like
• 36:22
  Speaker 4: I just catch myself.
• 36:25
  Speaker 3: What about when you go to parties?
• 36:29
  Speaker 2: Now?
• 36:29
  Speaker 3: Like, how do you manage you?
• 36:31
  Speaker 4: Know?
• 36:31
  Speaker 3: Your your Uh?
• 36:34
  Speaker 4: Are you fucking kidding me? You're still sucking on that thing.
• 36:37
  Speaker 4: If I could come through the screen and rip that
• 36:39
  Speaker 4: out of your hand.
• 36:39
  Speaker 2: Do you want to know what's happening today? Easton's going
• 36:43
  Speaker 2: to Utah with the vape and you know I don't
• 36:46
  Speaker 2: buy them. I don't buy them, but it's happening like
• 36:50
  Speaker 2: it has to. It's it's I mean, I'm having surgery,
• 36:54
  Speaker 2: so everyone wished me fucking look, but I am telling you, Amber,
• 36:58
  Speaker 2: the vape has become my security blanket when I go out.
• 37:02
  Speaker 3: I know, I was with you all.
• 37:04
  Speaker 4: Weekend, I saw, I saw. I'm really listen.
• 37:09
  Speaker 2: I'm worried.
• 37:10
  Speaker 3: I've puffed on the vape a few.
• 37:11
  Speaker 4: Times and I'm like, whoa, I like this way too
• 37:14
  Speaker 4: much and I don't I wouldn't buy them either, and
• 37:17
  Speaker 4: my kids are older, so I definitely could not.
• 37:20
  Speaker 3: But oh my god, it's I get it. I get it.
• 37:25
  Speaker 2: No, it's it's really bad, and it's really bad for you.
• 37:28
  Speaker 3: It's iley ii ley bad for you.
• 37:32
  Speaker 2: And you know what. I had given it up for
• 37:34
  Speaker 2: so long, and I remember shit hitting the fan with
• 37:37
  Speaker 2: our ex in that moment and I was smoking it
• 37:40
  Speaker 2: and my mom was like, you picked that shit back
• 37:43
  Speaker 2: up again. I was in that bedroom and I was like, Mom,
• 37:48
  Speaker 2: not the time, And let me tell you something. The
• 37:51
  Speaker 2: stress I'm feeling right now is gonna kill me before
• 37:53
  Speaker 2: this fucking vape does. Like I was stressed and then
• 38:00
  Speaker 2: seven years later, I mean I took long breaks. I
• 38:03
  Speaker 2: mean I was pregnant and breastfeeding. I wasn't vaping during
• 38:05
  Speaker 2: that time. I'm like, why did you pick it back
• 38:07
  Speaker 2: up again? It's because I'm out and someone has one.
• 38:09
  Speaker 2: I'm like, I have a puff of that.
• 38:11
  Speaker 3: Yeah, because it's easy.
• 38:12
  Speaker 4: Immediately we're off to the races again. I know, you
• 38:14
  Speaker 4: just got to be gentle on yourself. And the most
• 38:16
  Speaker 4: important thing.
• 38:16
  Speaker 2: Is amber I've been sober over seven years. All right,
• 38:20
  Speaker 2: well you it's time. Okay, you don't have to convince me.
• 38:24
  Speaker 2: I know it's trying to convince myself because it's such
• 38:30
  Speaker 2: like when I have moments of feeling stressed out or
• 38:34
  Speaker 2: we're going out to a party, I'm like, I have
• 38:39
  Speaker 2: to have my thing, but I don't. I'm fine.
• 38:43
  Speaker 3: Like you said, it's a pacifier.
• 38:46
  Speaker 2: It is. And like you said, a craving only lasts
• 38:49
  Speaker 2: how long, Well.
• 38:51
  Speaker 4: A feeling, so the feelings only last ninety seconds. So
• 38:55
  Speaker 4: you're picking up that vape because you're having a fing Yeah,
• 38:58
  Speaker 4: having a feeling now if you need, you're such a bitch. Okay,
• 39:11
  Speaker 4: So let's just do a few questions. Because people wrote
• 39:13
  Speaker 4: in some really great questions. And so one of the
• 39:16
  Speaker 4: first questions that I think is really good, Laala, is
• 39:19
  Speaker 4: what does sobriety give you that you don't want to lose?
• 39:23
  Speaker 2: My entire life Without my sobriety, I don't have what's
• 39:28
  Speaker 2: happening here. I lose my relationship with my mother and
• 39:31
  Speaker 2: my brother. I lose my interactions with my children, which,
• 39:36
  Speaker 2: let's be honest, the stress of the day can mentally
• 39:39
  Speaker 2: take you away from your kids. Without alcohol, I'm not
• 39:42
  Speaker 2: going to allow a drink to take me away from
• 39:45
  Speaker 2: my kids. Let's talk about the stuff. I wouldn't be
• 39:50
  Speaker 2: able to go out and work and afford the lifestyle
• 39:53
  Speaker 2: that I have for my that I've created for my family, Like,
• 40:00
  Speaker 2: I don't want to lose my life, which I will
• 40:03
  Speaker 2: if I drink.
• 40:04
  Speaker 4: Life gets really good when you get sober. It really
• 40:06
  Speaker 4: doesn't know what is it for you. I think for me,
• 40:09
  Speaker 4: it's losing myself. And I'll explain that because I feel
• 40:13
  Speaker 4: like in my sobriety, I finally have come home to
• 40:17
  Speaker 4: who I am and I really missed that girl. I
• 40:20
  Speaker 4: really missed her. And I think, like I think that
• 40:27
  Speaker 4: the shit that's happened in life not just to me,
• 40:30
  Speaker 4: but to everybody, even dealing with all the stuff that's
• 40:33
  Speaker 4: going on in the world, I really got pulled and
• 40:37
  Speaker 4: sucked in. And now I'm starting to like remember who
• 40:40
  Speaker 4: I am and not give a shit, right, not care
• 40:43
  Speaker 4: like I like who I am. I'm not perfect, but
• 40:46
  Speaker 4: I want my kids to be able to look up
• 40:48
  Speaker 4: to someone, right, Yeah, And I want them to look
• 40:51
  Speaker 4: up to me as their mom, as a woman, as
• 40:53
  Speaker 4: a person in their community and their society and their life,
• 40:56
  Speaker 4: and be there for them. So if I lose me,
• 41:00
  Speaker 4: you know that's anything, I lose everything. Yeah, Okay, Amber,
• 41:05
  Speaker 4: stop fucking crying.
• 41:06
  Speaker 3: See I still cry.
• 41:07
  Speaker 2: No, I love that you cry.
• 41:09
  Speaker 3: Do you like sober sex better? Which I know we
• 41:11
  Speaker 3: had a podcast about.
• 41:12
  Speaker 2: That, but I've been trying to be less graphic. I
• 41:16
  Speaker 2: need to like tame myself a bit.
• 41:19
  Speaker 3: So it's a yes or no. Do you like sex
• 41:21
  Speaker 3: better sober?
• 41:22
  Speaker 2: I'm going back to that podcast where I talked about Okay,
• 41:25
  Speaker 2: whatever the vagina I do. I love it so much
• 41:31
  Speaker 2: more because I can enjoy it like I know where
• 41:33
  Speaker 2: I am and the person I'm with. I'm not going
• 41:35
  Speaker 2: to wake up the next morning and be like, how
• 41:36
  Speaker 2: did you get here? You looked better last night, and
• 41:41
  Speaker 2: also like I look better in the morning as well. Oh,
• 41:44
  Speaker 2: hands down, that part's great. I've had and you didn't
• 41:48
  Speaker 2: get to get you.
• 41:49
  Speaker 4: Don't get to not answer hello, I had some fun.
• 41:54
  Speaker 3: It's just easier.
• 41:56
  Speaker 4: I think for me, I'm really uncommon. I feel like
• 41:59
  Speaker 4: I get my head and I'm really I feel like
• 42:01
  Speaker 4: I'm really awkward. It's made it better, but I've gotten
• 42:05
  Speaker 4: I've learned how to have better sex sober, and now
• 42:08
  Speaker 4: I'm starting to like it more.
• 42:10
  Speaker 2: Right, Oh no, it's terrifying the first time that you
• 42:14
  Speaker 2: do it without alcohol. In my head, I'm like, is
• 42:18
  Speaker 2: he gonna know that? Like my one boob is droopy
• 42:21
  Speaker 2: and the other one's like heart is a fucking rock.
• 42:23
  Speaker 2: And then like my go to is like, hey, it's
• 42:24
  Speaker 2: like you were with like two women at once. Yeah,
• 42:27
  Speaker 2: that's kind of fun.
• 42:28
  Speaker 3: I'm like, turn down the lights. I don't want any
• 42:30
  Speaker 3: lights on while this is happening.
• 42:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah, please don't ask me to do it doggy style
• 42:35
  Speaker 2: with the lights on, all right, I'd prefer not.
• 42:40
  Speaker 4: Oh okay, I love this one. How do I start?
• 42:44
  Speaker 4: I wake up thinking about it and go to bed
• 42:47
  Speaker 4: thinking about it. That breaks my heart.
• 42:52
  Speaker 2: That is my story, and I think you can relate
• 42:55
  Speaker 2: to that as well. Oh this is just such a
• 42:58
  Speaker 2: hard one, isn't it? Because you have to you have
• 43:02
  Speaker 2: to want it so badly.
• 43:03
  Speaker 4: So they say in AA you have to have the
• 43:05
  Speaker 4: gift of desperation, and you have to be desperate enough,
• 43:08
  Speaker 4: like when you woke up in your apartment and you
• 43:11
  Speaker 4: decided to make that phone call.
• 43:14
  Speaker 2: Oh, I was desperate, right, you have to be desperate enough.
• 43:18
  Speaker 2: I wish I could give someone the roadmap to becoming sober.
• 43:22
  Speaker 2: But you have to want it so badly that you'd
• 43:25
  Speaker 2: give up everything and anything. And what's wild is in
• 43:29
  Speaker 2: that thought process you end up gaining everything.
• 43:33
  Speaker 3: Yeah, truly you do.
• 43:34
  Speaker 4: I think for me, I would just say if anyone
• 43:38
  Speaker 4: is listening and is either sober curious, or is desperate
• 43:42
  Speaker 4: and wants to get into the rooms and get sober.
• 43:44
  Speaker 4: There are so many apps out there, Lala, you have
• 43:46
  Speaker 4: one that you use?
• 43:47
  Speaker 3: What is that so I use?
• 43:50
  Speaker 2: I actually have like a little you know how you
• 43:51
  Speaker 2: can on the iPhone like put different apps into sections.
• 43:56
  Speaker 2: So I have like in my lifestyle app, which is
• 43:58
  Speaker 2: all sobriety, the meeting guide. It's a blue tile and
• 44:02
  Speaker 2: it has just like a folding chair in white like
• 44:05
  Speaker 2: a drawing. And then I also like twenty four hours
• 44:08
  Speaker 2: because it keeps track of your sobriety but also gives
• 44:14
  Speaker 2: you like a thought of the day, and that's a
• 44:16
  Speaker 2: way to just kind of like dip your toe in.
• 44:18
  Speaker 2: And also on that meeting app, you can pick all
• 44:22
  Speaker 2: women meetings, you can pick all male meetings, a combination
• 44:26
  Speaker 2: open meetings, where like if you want someone who's really
• 44:29
  Speaker 2: really a positive force and wants to support you in
• 44:34
  Speaker 2: this journey, they can attend with you. And it can
• 44:37
  Speaker 2: also be on Zoom, like it shows you you can
• 44:39
  Speaker 2: go in person. Here's the Zoom link, you.
• 44:41
  Speaker 4: Know, and if you go to a Zoom meeting or
• 44:43
  Speaker 4: in person, it's a community and everyone's like literally they'll
• 44:49
  Speaker 4: just hug you and say welcome home, because that's that's
• 44:51
  Speaker 4: what it is.
• 44:52
  Speaker 3: You're coming home.
• 44:53
  Speaker 4: So yeah, currently on day twenty three, sober from gummies
• 44:57
  Speaker 4: and drinking. Any advice rate, keep coming back, keep doing it.
• 45:02
  Speaker 2: Keep doing the work. Remember there it's one day at
• 45:05
  Speaker 2: a time, but sometimes it's one second at a time.
• 45:07
  Speaker 2: And I see you because I equate like your addiction
• 45:11
  Speaker 2: and even though mine with the vape is not mind altering,
• 45:14
  Speaker 2: But it's something that I want to give up, and
• 45:16
  Speaker 2: it is fucking hard. But twenty three days, bitch, like
• 45:19
  Speaker 2: you got this, You've got this.
• 45:22
  Speaker 3: I have a question.
• 45:23
  Speaker 4: You don't get a head high from the vape the
• 45:26
  Speaker 4: first hit of the day. I do, Okay, So it
• 45:28
  Speaker 4: is mind altering.
• 45:32
  Speaker 3: I'm calling out. I'm calling you out. I love you,
• 45:36
  Speaker 3: but I'm calling you out.
• 45:37
  Speaker 4: I love you great, that's why we're so close. Oh
• 45:40
  Speaker 4: how do I stay sober during rough times? Lean into
• 45:43
  Speaker 4: the program if you're in one, call a friend, call
• 45:46
  Speaker 4: a sober sister, right law, any other advice?
• 45:51
  Speaker 2: I mean, I think that your community is everything, like
• 45:54
  Speaker 2: you have to have. And you know what, amber Sometimes
• 45:57
  Speaker 2: people who get sober they can't be friends with who
• 46:01
  Speaker 2: they used to be friends with, and that's also very intense.
• 46:04
  Speaker 2: But I have my homies that are normies and they
• 46:08
  Speaker 2: can go out and drink. But I have my sober community,
• 46:11
  Speaker 2: and those are the people who I may not see
• 46:13
  Speaker 2: every day, I may not talk to every day, but
• 46:15
  Speaker 2: they've got me every step of the way. And when
• 46:19
  Speaker 2: I first got sober, I was like talking to my
• 46:21
  Speaker 2: sober community multiple times a day, every single day.
• 46:26
  Speaker 4: Oh yeah, you lean on your sisters real hard, like
• 46:29
  Speaker 4: real hard. And by the way, you don't have to
• 46:31
  Speaker 4: go to an expensive rehab. I don't want people to
• 46:35
  Speaker 4: think just because they don't have the money in the
• 46:37
  Speaker 4: bank or they're suffering, that you have to go to
• 46:40
  Speaker 4: some crazy, you know, rehab in Utah or Palm Springs
• 46:45
  Speaker 4: or California of Florida.
• 46:46
  Speaker 3: It doesn't have to be that.
• 46:48
  Speaker 2: It doesn't take nice that can I give an unpopular opinion. Sure,
• 46:52
  Speaker 2: those places worry me. Yeah, they do because you come
• 46:57
  Speaker 2: out into the real world again and you don't know
• 47:00
  Speaker 2: how to face it without the alcohol. You're in those
• 47:03
  Speaker 2: places and it's fabulous and you've spent all this money
• 47:06
  Speaker 2: and they're keeping you sober, you're getting massages, you're eating sushi,
• 47:09
  Speaker 2: and then the real world you're released back into it,
• 47:12
  Speaker 2: and I find that it's difficult for some people.
• 47:16
  Speaker 4: Yeah, well, guys, I hope we answered a lot of questions. Lala,
• 47:22
  Speaker 4: thank you for sharing your story. I actually learned a
• 47:24
  Speaker 4: lot about more about you today.
• 47:26
  Speaker 2: I learned about you too, and I love that because
• 47:29
  Speaker 2: I know that you went through moments of like giving
• 47:31
  Speaker 2: up drinking and things like that. But I've always been curious,
• 47:34
  Speaker 2: which I don't know why we've never had this conversation
• 47:36
  Speaker 2: about the moment that you were like, this is my
• 47:39
  Speaker 2: rock bottom. And I love that you talked about, well,
• 47:42
  Speaker 2: I'm not an alcoholic because I don't do this and
• 47:44
  Speaker 2: I haven't gotten a dui because it's so true you
• 47:47
  Speaker 2: go through those moments.
• 47:48
  Speaker 3: Yeah, that's ego.
• 47:50
  Speaker 2: I don't hide bottles, so I'm not an alcoholic. Hm mmm, No,
• 47:54
  Speaker 2: i'ms in many forms.
• 47:55
  Speaker 3: It comes in many forms.
• 47:57
  Speaker 2: I'm very proud of you, Amber. Congratulations on your sobriety.
• 48:01
  Speaker 3: I'm proud of you too.
• 48:03
  Speaker 2: I love you so much. I love you too, and
• 48:05
  Speaker 2: I love you guys. Thank you for listening to another
• 48:07
  Speaker 2: episode of An Unlikely Affair. Thank you so much for
• 48:10
  Speaker 2: writing in your questions. You guys were vulnerable, you asked
• 48:13
  Speaker 2: epic questions. We're going to catch you guys next week
• 48:17
  Speaker 2: for another episode.
• 48:18
  Speaker 3: Love you, Bye bye, guys,