Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #48: Failure to Launch in Adult Children: What Parents Can Do When Nothing Has Worked

Transcript

#48: Failure to Launch in Adult Children: What Parents Can Do When Nothing Has Worked · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: If this is your first time here, Launch is a podcast for parents of adult children, which is sort of funny when you think about that.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Are they adults or are they children?
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Someone once asked me.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: And to that I replied, they're actually both.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Biologically, they are adults, ranging from, let's say, 20 right up to still living in their parents' home, not working, studying, or contributing in any way years of age.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: But regardless, to us parents, they will always be our children.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so I call them adult children.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: Our topics on the subject are endless.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I've been very lucky to have met some incredible people this past year, many of whom I'd love to have as friends and hope to stay in touch with.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: And if you happen to know of someone who you think would be an inspiring or educational guest, parent, or even an adult child, please let me know.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is an important one, and it's just me on here, so I'll try not to be too long-winded, if that's even possible.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: But before I get into it, if I can gently remind you that as much as I love that you're listening right now, I would be so grateful if you could tap that follow button.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's no skin off your back, it just means you'll get a little reminder that a new episode is dropped.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: But for me, it's huge because it lets me know that what we're doing here matters.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: So, without further ado, today I want to talk about the reason most of you are here.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's the same reason I started this podcast because you have an adult child who to some degree is struggling.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: They're probably still living at home, but not necessarily.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they aren't working very much, or they bounce from one thing to the next with no clear direction.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Most likely they're anxious, unmotivated, or even completely withdrawn.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Their room is their whole world, and they come out of it for bathroom breaks and sustenance.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: And even though you're their parent, probably their cook, cleaner, banker, chauffeur, secretary, and so on, they appear to have very little respect or time for you.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Which is odd, really, because most of us here are around the same age.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: And our parents would have never tolerated that kind of behavior.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: When we were growing up, they weren't afraid of us.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: They didn't think we were going to break.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: They weren't the slightest bit concerned about our mental health.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: They stopped doing things for us when we were, I don't know, hit puberty, and it didn't matter what we were doing with our lives as long as we came home at some point.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Well, times have certainly changed, and not for the better.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's shocking, really.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: So many young adults are rudderless, like little life rats floating aimlessly in the ocean, no wind in their sail, just alone out there, some hoping to be rescued, others just wanting to be left alone, to drift along.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: And there you are at the shoreline, staring hopelessly, or rather helplessly, at them.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Well, if this is your adult child, I know how worried you are.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you're frustrated.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Some of you are scared, others are guilty.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: The range of emotions is varying.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: But one thing is for sure.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: You love your child.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I know it makes you sad to see them like this.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: But you're also tired.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Tired of trying everything and getting nowhere.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Tired of walking on eggshells, tired of the financial strain, the excuses, the fighting, tired of hoping things will change.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: So you're here with me because you're looking for someone who understands, who offers guidance, advice, a resource, and hopefully a few never tried before suggestions, which is why I end almost all episodes with actionable steps.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: So you can, on your own, try to help your adult child move forward.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to know that if you are standing in front of me right now, I'd give you a big hug because I understand how difficult this has been for you.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think there's anything worse in the world than feeling like you can't help your kid.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: So that's why I do this podcast.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: And today we're circling back to the episode that started it all.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because after a year of doing this podcast, you heard me, one year, with thousands of listeners who tune in every week.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's time we talk about those signs again.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: I've been offering a free failure to launch checklist since the very beginning, and many of you have already downloaded it.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: The link is always available in the show notes if you haven't seen it yet.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'll go over the signs quickly.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: But what matters more to me is this.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: What's changed since you first realized this is your adult child?
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: If the answer is I've begun making significant changes in my home and my adult child is doing much better, I'd love to hear from you.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: But if nothing has happened and you've been with me for a while, well, this episode is really for you.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: I know many of you don't need me to go over the 15 signs because you're living with most of them every single day.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: You see it when you walk past their room, when you hear them up all night, when you check your bank account, when the dishes pile up, or when you realize it's been months since you've had a real conversation.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: You just look at them like there's a bunch of post-it notes stuck to your child's body, reminding you they're really not okay.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Even if it's easier to pretend at times that they're fine and they're going to get out of this one day, there's that little voice in you that says, My kid has no life.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: They're living small and safe, existing, like a clock that just keeps ticking, but the hands are no longer moving.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: Boy, have I just dated myself.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: You just keep looking away, but it's getting harder and harder to ignore.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll go over those 15 signs for anyone who is new here, and then I'm gonna offer you something I've never done before.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: A real solution.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: But first, the list.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: A lack of employment or difficulty securing and maintaining a job.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: Lack of ambition or difficulty planning for their future regarding either career goals or personal aspirations.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Lack of interest in pursuing an education or learning a new skill.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Lack of commitment.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: They struggle to see something through and they're always quitting, sabotaging, or making excuses.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Lack of interest, purpose, and passion.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Lack of motivation, they lack initiative to change or to seek out opportunities for personal and or professional growth.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Financial dependence on parents or family members.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: They resist taking on adult responsibilities such as basic household chores.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: Health neglect, including poor self-care and unhealthy habits.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: They struggle with performing basic life skills such as cooking, cleaning, banking, making appointments, etc.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: They have a dependency on others for decision making or problem solving.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: They're hyper-focused on gaming, social media, YouTube, Netflix, etc.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: They have limited social connections or complete social isolation.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: They lack meaningful relationships and they struggle to connect with people outside of the family.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: They have a resistance to change and a reluctance to step out of their comfort zone.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's the emotional instability, but not to be confused with severe depression, debilitating anxiety, ADHD, neurodevelopmental disorders, or a result of alcohol or drug abuse.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: All of those require professional help.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: If this describes your adult kid, what's your plan?
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, your plan, because they're not going to magically wake up one day and get it together.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: And you can't keep living like this, even if you love having them at home.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: You won't be around forever, and they need to learn how to become independent.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: So changing their life starts with you.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I get it, that is not what you want to hear.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: You've done so much for them already.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: But parenting an adult child is hard.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's got its own set of challenges, regardless of whether they're thriving, air quotes, or not.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a mother and stepmother to four adult children.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Trust me, my husband and I have dealt with everything.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: When you have a child that has always been sensitive, fragile, socially anxious, maybe has a harder time fitting in, possibly on the neurodivergence spectrum.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: They just don't have the same operating system as other kids.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: So there is more work to do on your part.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Your job is still unfinished.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: And even the hardiest kids need us to still parent them with guidance.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, the change is going to come from you, how you lead, how you respond, how you communicate, how you set expectations, and how you follow through.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever had to train someone new at work?
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Before they can be great, they need a lot of supervision and mistakes will be made.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: But the success of their training has everything to do with you.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, it would be easier if you did things yourself instead of asking them, like you do with your kid, to avoid getting aggravated.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: But that's not helping either of you.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's not good training, and it's definitely not what we call modeling.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe part of the problem is no one ever taught us how to do this.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: We never talk about what it takes to raise an adult.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: It's not something parents prepare each other for.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: If perhaps we spoke more openly about this stage, maybe it wouldn't feel so hard to navigate.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: But it is such a taboo topic.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: When you have an adult child who is struggling, there is so much guilt and shame.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like you did something wrong.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: But that's not true.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: You didn't fail.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: You just didn't realize how much more they needed.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: And parents, like yourself, really believe they've tried it all.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: Everything from heart-to-heart talks that you thought were so inspiring to ultimatums that you knew you could never follow through on.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: You set boundaries, again, air quotes.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: You've tried to let them figure things out.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: You've been supportive, patient, and even a little tough, but nothing has worked.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the truth.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: You alone can't change your adult child's behavior.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: You and them need to press the reset button somehow.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: If only you knew how to read the control panel.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: You need a manual, something that you can learn from and practice, a roadmap with a compass and directions.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: And that's exactly why I created my parenting course.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: At the time of this recording, there's a wait list.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: You can put your name on it and you will receive updates.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Or you can hold out a little longer.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe try an online support group, somewhere that lets you vent, share your war stories, and hear from other parents who are going through the same thing.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: And don't get me wrong, I believe in community.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: During my course, you'll be invited into our private Facebook group because I know how important it is to not feel alone.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, you probably know that I'm a big advocate of social connections.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not just for your kid, it's for you as well, for every human.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: The problem with only being in a support group is that it starts to feel like you're just circling the drain.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: The stories sound the same, the problems don't change.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe you find a parenting coach.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: But this is a very specific niche, and there aren't many of us, and I'll be honest, we don't operate the same way either.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: Some will coddle you, wrap you in kindness and compassion, which feels good in the moment, but nothing actually changes.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: Unless that's all you're looking for is comfort.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's therapy, the expensive kind.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've already sent your adult child to someone and you had hopes, but it didn't stick.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: They stopped going or nothing changed.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: So it's back to you, and you are who this course is for.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: If you've tried everything and nothing has worked, this is your roadmap.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: A step-by-step guide for how to shift the relationship between you and your adult child so you can help them to strategically and effectively move forward into adulthood.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: Here's a glimpse of it.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: First, it's a four-week course.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: One hour per session, once a week.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: I will offer a second group session in that same week for anyone who has questions.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you need some clarification.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's when you can share what's working or what's not.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: That hour will be available and is optional once a week.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: In module one, we start with rebuilding the relationship because none of this works if there's no connection, communication, or trust.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: You'll learn how to reset the tone, rebuild what has been broken, and reestablish yourself as their parent, the one who leads them with confidence.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: In module two, we redefine how things work at home.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: We redesign a new living arrangement.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: Having them at home isn't the problem.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's what's happening, or rather, not happening there that is.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: You'll learn how to implement structure, routine, responsibilities, boundaries, and consequences that will actually be respected.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: In module three, we know that you'll be dealing with pushback and we turn that resistance into results.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: You'll learn exactly how to respond to excuses and shutdowns and how to stop enabling the behaviors that keep your adult child stuck.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: And in module four, we start planning ahead.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: So we shift the focus to the future.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: You'll learn how to help your adult child create a vision for themselves, set meaningful and manageable goals, and learn how to make real progress in their life.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: This is not just about them moving out.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: It is so much bigger than that.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's about growing up, taking ownership, and building a life that is fulfilling.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, it can be quite transformational if you do the work.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: Each module will include practical tools and step-by-step actions that you can start using right away.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: As we walk through important milestones, you'll have a better, richer understanding of your adult child.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'll leave you with PDFs and you'll have assignments.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: They'll have assignments, not too many, of course.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now you might be wondering, why me?
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: Who am I to teach this parenting course?
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: What makes Sherry an expert?
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: And that's a fair question.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: This mission of mine, or calling, as I refer to it, had its roots in my childhood.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: I grew up watching someone I loved, my brother, silently struggle to fit into the world he was living in.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: He was surrounded by friends who seemed to know what they wanted, where they were going, and how to get there.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: And he didn't.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: He drifted, literally, from home to home.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: My stepdad wanted him out, my father couldn't handle him, my grandmother coddled him, but nothing fazed him.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: He was stoned or drunk all the time, numbing his pain.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure he was struggling with undiagnosed ADHD too.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: As supportive as the family wanted to be, no one taught him how to become the kind of adult who could stand on his own two feet.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: It was heartbreaking to witness.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: Finally, one day I asked him, When were you really happy?
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: And the answer that he gave me set him on a trajectory that changed his life forever.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: My brother is doing great now, happily married for 30 years, three children, self-employed, all is good.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: But when I became a parent, I made a promise that I would raise my children differently, that I would teach them every life skill that I knew they needed in order to be okay in the world.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: From the moment my children were born, I was very aware of what my responsibilities were, and that whatever it took, I was 100% committed to them.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm not saying I did everything right.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: None of us are perfect.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: But today, my relationship with my kids is a testament to what I hold dearest.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: To not just love them, but support them, grow with them, and allow them to become whatever and whoever they wanted.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: I am living proof that when you parent with intention, ownership, and respect, you will raise capable, confident, and independent adults who will want to have a deeply meaningful relationship with their parents.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: Academically, I have two degrees in psychology and I'm a published author.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: As I was raising my kids, I wrote my first book called Father Effects: How Your Father Influenced Who You Are and Who You Love.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: It was based on a study of 1,000 women and their relationships with their father.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: Years later, during COVID, I got into making videos on social media and felt pulled again to write.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: But this time it was for parents who were raising young kids.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: The book is called My Roots and My Wings, the 24 Most Empowering Life Lessons for Children.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: And then life came full circle, and a young adult, very close to my family, came into my life and was struggling.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: All those memories of my brother came rushing back.
• 20:49
  SPEAKER_00: The worry, the helplessness, the frustration.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: And then I realized this is where I need to be.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: This is the work I'm meant to do.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: So I poured everything I had into researching, writing, creating the podcast, and developing this step-by-step roadmap for parents, the framework I wish my mother had, the one I used in my own home.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: At first, I thought it might become my third book, but I wanted something more personal.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to talk to you, to educate, guide, and inspire you.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: I take a very solution-focused approach to everything I do.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: No fluff.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: Just tough love.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's how I raise my kids, and it's how I'm going to help you through this.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: So if you've been with me for a while, listening to this podcast and thinking, this is my child, this is my life, then I want you to know you are exactly who I wrote this course for.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: I've been where you are again and again.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't want you and your adult child to have to live like this for years and years.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: If you need more time, grab the failure to launch link in the show notes.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: Once you do that, you'll be invited to receive my newsletter called Launch Advice, so I'll keep showing up in your inbox as a reminder that I'm here when you're ready.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: But if you are, then I invite you to join the wait list.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: The link is in the show notes.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: You'll be the first to know when the doors open.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: Early access guarantees you a discount as well.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: This course is so much more than helping your adult child grow and discover themselves.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's about you becoming the parent you were meant to be and having that relationship with your kid that you've always wanted.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: I hope to see you in the course.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: Remember to hit the follow button and please share this episode with another parent who needs to hear it.
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is launching.