Latest / The Ben Maller Show / The Fifth Hour: Human-Go Pro

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The Fifth Hour: Human-Go Pro · The Ben Maller Show

0:00
Speaker 1: Kabooms.
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Speaker 2: If you thought four hours a day, twelve hundred minutes
0:05
Speaker 2: a week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants
0:09
Speaker 2: of the Old Republic, a soul fashion of fairness. He
0:12
Speaker 2: treats crackheads in the ghetto cutter the same as the
0:15
Speaker 2: rich pill poppers in the penthouse.
0:18
Speaker 1: Wow.
0:18
Speaker 2: The Clearinghouse of Hot takes break free for something special.
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Speaker 2: The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now.
0:29
Speaker 1: In the air everywhere, The Fifth Hour with me, Ben
0:34
Speaker 1: Mahler and you. Happy Friday. It is early. We did
0:39
Speaker 1: the Overnight Show. We're back at it again here in
0:42
Speaker 1: the pod remote studio from a secret location somewhere buried
0:47
Speaker 1: deep in the north Woods. As this a spinoff of
0:51
Speaker 1: the Overnight Show. It is the two hundred and twelfth
0:54
Speaker 1: day of the year. I am told July thirty first
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Speaker 1: that would be today. There are one hundred fifty three
1:00
Speaker 1: days left. It is the thirty first week of the year.
1:04
Speaker 1: With that out of the way, we have the human
1:07
Speaker 1: go pro, foody fun and the phrase of the week,
1:13
Speaker 1: all of that coming your way on this podcast. We begin,
1:16
Speaker 1: though with some fun facts by request, but there is
1:21
Speaker 1: no musling of the fun facts. We juggle the fun facts.
1:24
Speaker 1: We spin the fun facts like plates. So today is
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Speaker 1: International Lifeguard Appreciation Day. The fun fact on that it
1:33
Speaker 1: is estimated that lifeguards save approximately ten thousand people each
1:39
Speaker 1: year from drowning, which fascinates me. And here's why. How
1:45
Speaker 1: many of those ten thousand people are unable to swim?
1:49
Speaker 1: And if you're unable to swim, I get it. You
1:51
Speaker 1: didn't learn as a kid whatever, maybe didn't grow up
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Speaker 1: around water. What are you doing in the water. It's like,
1:58
Speaker 1: come on now. And then the other thing is okay.
2:01
Speaker 1: So there's certain percentage that didn't know how to swim,
2:04
Speaker 1: and then there's other people that got in the water
2:06
Speaker 1: when the tide was not good, they defied the warnings.
2:12
Speaker 1: And then there's other people that just had bad luck,
2:15
Speaker 1: that just had bad luck. And in eighteen ninety seven,
2:20
Speaker 1: Captain Henry Sheffield no relation to Gary Sheffield, invented the
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Speaker 1: rescue can and many decades later it had been replaced
2:30
Speaker 1: by the rescue bowie. What up, bowie, there you go.
2:36
Speaker 1: So the history of lifeguards. In the United States, there
2:40
Speaker 1: are about four thousand drowning desks each year. Crazy only
2:45
Speaker 1: one percent of drowning desks occur with lifeguard supervision. So
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Speaker 1: if you got a lifeguard there, you're in pretty good
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Speaker 1: shape there. And the rip currents account for eighty percent
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Speaker 1: of beach rescues, so the keeping lifeguards employed, and lifeguards
3:04
Speaker 1: start as young as fifteen. Most areasb be at least fifteen.
3:08
Speaker 1: Today is Mut's Day and you celebrate the mutt, and
3:12
Speaker 1: they estimate eight out of ten dogs are mixed breeds. Now,
3:17
Speaker 1: my dog Bella was not a mixed breed, and my
3:21
Speaker 1: dog recently, Moxie, also not a mixed breed, although I
3:25
Speaker 1: think Bella might have been. Actually I thought Bella was
3:27
Speaker 1: a shit to completely. I think she might have had
3:31
Speaker 1: some other stuff in there. I know Moxie is not
3:34
Speaker 1: not a mixed breed, so we will not celebrate Mutt
3:36
Speaker 1: Day with Moxie. But eight out of ten, eighty percent
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Speaker 1: of dogs are mixed breeds. It is National Avocado Day today. Now,
3:43
Speaker 1: technically the avocado is not a vegetable. It is a berry.
3:48
Speaker 1: It is a fruit. It is not a vegetable. And
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Speaker 1: most avocados come from our brothers and sisters to the
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Speaker 1: south there in Mexico, and they praise the health benefits
3:58
Speaker 1: of the avocado as a super food, which I guess
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Speaker 1: allows them to mark up the price of the avocado.
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Speaker 1: They have a higher potassium level in the avocado than bananas.
4:12
Speaker 1: And while they are native to Mexico, they first appeared
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Speaker 1: about ten thousand years ago. How the hell do they
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Speaker 1: know that? Come on, how do they know that? And
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Speaker 1: there was an irishman who named the avocado the avocado.
4:27
Speaker 1: That goes back to the late sixteen hundreds. An Irish
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Speaker 1: man named Sir Hans Sloan named it the avocado in
4:36
Speaker 1: a Jamaican plant catalog. He also called the tree the
4:41
Speaker 1: alligator pear tree he called it. So some Irish dude
4:45
Speaker 1: named the avocado the avocado, and the guacamole dip which
4:51
Speaker 1: is made of ripe avocados and sea salt and some
4:54
Speaker 1: other stuff there. So there you go. It's about all
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Speaker 1: I know about avocados, although I I did see that
5:01
Speaker 1: in Brazil it is a topping on ice cream, which
5:06
Speaker 1: is seemingly not that great. And also I believe the cover,
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Speaker 1: the peel of the avocado of the pit are toxic
5:14
Speaker 1: for your dog. So if you are celebrating Monday, do
5:17
Speaker 1: not give your dog an avocado peel or pit because
5:22
Speaker 1: they'll drop dead eventually. And also system administration Administrator Appreciation Day.
5:30
Speaker 1: I have no idea what that is. All right, now
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Speaker 1: on to the show. So unbelievable, Absolutely unbelievable. You wake
5:36
Speaker 1: up one day, you look in the mirror and you
5:39
Speaker 1: realize something horrifying. You are no longer a young whipper snapper.
5:44
Speaker 1: When did this happen? You have officially crossed the rubicon
5:49
Speaker 1: over into the demographic where your birthday wish is no
5:53
Speaker 1: longer a shiny new malamobile or a nice tropical vacation
5:57
Speaker 1: to Kawaii. No, your birthday wish, the thing you pray
6:02
Speaker 1: to the heavens for as you blow out a forest
6:05
Speaker 1: of candles with flame in the air. Everywhere is simply
6:10
Speaker 1: list please please let the good doctor find nothing. Nothing
6:16
Speaker 1: I want nothing. That's it, that's all. That's the entire dream.
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Speaker 1: Zero findings, a clean bill of health, a total absence
6:26
Speaker 1: of medical drama. No medical drama, So everyone remembers the
6:31
Speaker 1: grand milestones of human exists. There's certain checkpoints that you
6:36
Speaker 1: go through in life. Go to school, you get out
6:41
Speaker 1: of elementary school, you go to the junior high school
6:44
Speaker 1: or just the high school, and then you get out
6:48
Speaker 1: of that you graduate. Sometimes you go to college. Other
6:50
Speaker 1: times you just get a job, and you always remember
6:52
Speaker 1: your first job. You remember your first kiss, You remember
6:56
Speaker 1: your first girlfriend, or if you're a chick, your first boyfriend,
6:59
Speaker 1: or you know what I mean. You remember the first
7:02
Speaker 1: time you crashed the family sedan into the garage door,
7:06
Speaker 1: and how awkward it was. Right, You remember hearing the
7:09
Speaker 1: birds and the bees from your relatives, your mom, your dad,
7:12
Speaker 1: and now welcome here we are in this part of
7:18
Speaker 1: the book, the warranty, I call it the warranty expired years.
7:23
Speaker 1: I thought my warranty had a few more years, because
7:26
Speaker 1: you will never, ever, ever forget your first colonoscopy, right,
7:34
Speaker 1: that is a forever memory. You'll remember that for a
7:37
Speaker 1: long time. It's the great equalizer. Now, many of you
7:40
Speaker 1: boys are around my age, and you've had colonoscopies, maybe
7:45
Speaker 1: you've had more than one. And I've been around guys
7:48
Speaker 1: older than me. I have a lot of my friends
7:49
Speaker 1: when I got into the radio business, we're a lot
7:51
Speaker 1: older than me, and they had colonoscopies, and they'd talk
7:53
Speaker 1: about them at lunch in the media room, and like
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Speaker 1: they were discussing an oil change or a tea time.
8:00
Speaker 1: I am at the local municipal golf course. Now, fortunately
8:04
Speaker 1: a number of you, believe it or not, are listening
8:07
Speaker 1: to this, and you're actually much younger. Hallelujah, floating around
8:11
Speaker 1: in that sweet, blissful ignorance of youth where you don't
8:15
Speaker 1: have to worry about this kind of bull crap. Good
8:18
Speaker 1: for you. Enjoy it, Walt last. Because the clock is ticking,
8:24
Speaker 1: the doomsday clock, the biological meter is running. So let
8:29
Speaker 1: me explain this to you in plain, simple layman's terms.
8:33
Speaker 1: I am going to make this the most relatable description possible.
8:36
Speaker 1: So it all started about two months ago. The wife
8:43
Speaker 1: decided that she needed to take the lead on this.
8:46
Speaker 1: She needed to be proactive, a responsible grown up, So
8:52
Speaker 1: she made me take one of those at home mail
8:56
Speaker 1: in poopy tests, not poppy just and in Cincinnati poopy tests.
9:02
Speaker 1: Now you know the ones they advertise on the boob
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Speaker 1: tube all the time. Can't see a ballgame without seeing
9:08
Speaker 1: these things, because that's the core demographic. They send a
9:11
Speaker 1: cute little cardboard box to your house and you perform
9:15
Speaker 1: a absurdly complicated, deeply humbling maneuver. At least it's in the
9:20
Speaker 1: privacy of your own bathroom. You package up a sample
9:23
Speaker 1: of your own duty, and you hand it to a
9:28
Speaker 1: member of the United States Postal Service who has no
9:30
Speaker 1: idea that that person is transporting biological hazards. So sure
9:36
Speaker 1: enough did the test, send it off to the laboratory,
9:40
Speaker 1: and I washed my hands, and I felt like I
9:43
Speaker 1: had accomplished something. I felt like a titan of modern
9:48
Speaker 1: preventative medicine. And then a couple weeks later I got
9:53
Speaker 1: a call. Turned out that the lab had dinged my sample.
9:59
Speaker 1: They rejected it. It wasn't kosher. So how could it
10:02
Speaker 1: not be kosher? I don't eat bacon, I said, what
10:07
Speaker 1: do you mean it wasn't kosher? Is it's got to
10:09
Speaker 1: be a joke? Did my sample fail a drug test?
10:12
Speaker 1: What is the chain of command here? Was it not
10:15
Speaker 1: packed with enough enthusiasm? Did I not have a treasure?
10:18
Speaker 1: Iire cat smile as I was rubbing my feces under
10:22
Speaker 1: this little thing of a jig. Did it lack the
10:24
Speaker 1: artistic merit that it needed? Now? I have no idea.
10:28
Speaker 1: All I know is they said listen. The laboratory threw
10:31
Speaker 1: up its hands. They declared my contribution was invalid and
10:36
Speaker 1: sent a directive straight to the physician. The doctor recommendation
10:42
Speaker 1: was immediate, clear and direct, Benny, you're coming in. We're
10:48
Speaker 1: doing a full colonoscopy. So then I had to schedule
10:52
Speaker 1: it and just like that, no appeal, no second opinion,
10:56
Speaker 1: no rising into a higher court, uncharted waters for yours truly.
11:02
Speaker 1: So last week I had to take a night off
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Speaker 1: from the radio show. I had to abandon my perch
11:08
Speaker 1: in the watch tower of the overnight, my sacred late
11:12
Speaker 1: night happy place. Also I could prepare for an early
11:15
Speaker 1: morning rendezvous with a special doctor, a gastro enterologist I
11:23
Speaker 1: believe is the term for that particular doctor. And I
11:26
Speaker 1: was very happy to take a medical day and then
11:29
Speaker 1: have a bunch of people saying, hey, like that schmuck
11:33
Speaker 1: Wane in Duluth and some others. Oh yeah, see, Mally,
11:36
Speaker 1: you never show up to work. You're an alcoholic. Trust me.
11:38
Speaker 1: I wish I was an alcoholic. It would have been better.
11:41
Speaker 1: So I was mildly concerned. Okay, I'm like, well, I'm
11:45
Speaker 1: thinking through everything in my head. And to be perfectly
11:48
Speaker 1: transparent here, I was more than mildly concerned. I was terrified.
11:52
Speaker 1: I get to be a bit neurotic with these kind
11:54
Speaker 1: of things, and there's a wise Yiddish proverb. That is
12:00
Speaker 1: the mantra of my dealing with doctors. Prepare for the worst.
12:07
Speaker 1: The best can take care of itself. Right. If everything's good,
12:10
Speaker 1: there's no need to prepare for it. Everything's good, you
12:13
Speaker 1: got to prepare for the bad stuff. That's my usual
12:16
Speaker 1: state of mind with these kind of things. But I
12:19
Speaker 1: tried to frame it philosophically. It's just another box checked
12:23
Speaker 1: in the circle of life, a sign that I'm getting
12:27
Speaker 1: a little older, I'm starting to decay more and handing
12:31
Speaker 1: the body parts over to men and women, trained professionals,
12:36
Speaker 1: highly paid and scrubs who possess zero sense of humor. So,
12:41
Speaker 1: for those of you who have not had the pleasure
12:44
Speaker 1: of having this procedure done, imagine, if you will, a
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Speaker 1: world where you're large and testined your colon It is
12:54
Speaker 1: essentially a long, dark, twisty subterranean tunnel, and a colonoscopy
13:01
Speaker 1: is simply an event where the doctor decides he wants
13:04
Speaker 1: to take a careful, careful look, in high definition look
13:09
Speaker 1: inside that tunnel to make sure everything is running smoothly.
13:15
Speaker 1: And now common sense dictates that if someone is going
13:18
Speaker 1: to inspect said tunnel, the tunnel has to be clean, spotless, pristine.
13:25
Speaker 1: So how does one clean the tunnel? How does one
13:30
Speaker 1: clean it? All? Right? So, yeah, this is where the
13:34
Speaker 1: cruolest joke in modern science takes place. The night before
13:38
Speaker 1: the procedure, the colonoscopy, they hand you a giant, menacing
13:42
Speaker 1: plastic jug filled with a special liquid. Now let's not
13:47
Speaker 1: mince words here. It tastes like a cocktail of battery acid,
13:52
Speaker 1: a little bit of liquid chalk, some sea water, and
13:56
Speaker 1: a lot of crush dreams. You have to chug it
14:00
Speaker 1: seemed like gallons of this. It's like unleaded fuel, this slop.
14:07
Speaker 1: And I'm told it acts like an industrial strength, high
14:10
Speaker 1: pressure power washer for your internal parts, your plumbing, and
14:15
Speaker 1: its sole purpose in life is to force you to
14:19
Speaker 1: spend roughly half of your day twelve hours or so
14:24
Speaker 1: consecutively making desperate sprints like you're in the Olympics to
14:29
Speaker 1: the throne the bathroom, until you have emptied out your
14:33
Speaker 1: soul memories and your childhood recollections, all of that. And
14:40
Speaker 1: it is washing. It's kind of washing every spec of
14:44
Speaker 1: dirt and gravel out of a tunnel. So someone can
14:48
Speaker 1: stand at the entrance with a flashlight and really admire
14:53
Speaker 1: the architecture and the fasting. Now, for many this is
14:56
Speaker 1: a nightmare. I've heard from some of you guys over
14:59
Speaker 1: the years, this is the worst part the fasting. For me,
15:02
Speaker 1: it wasn't that big a deal. I eat once a day.
15:04
Speaker 1: This was pretty normal. It was kind of like Passover
15:08
Speaker 1: when I was a kid, except instead of matza, you
15:10
Speaker 1: get nothing and you're gonna like it. Zero zilch, squad
15:13
Speaker 1: douche bupkis so a banquet of air and lukewarm water.
15:20
Speaker 1: And I sat on my couch dreaming of my post
15:24
Speaker 1: colonoscopy meal, either chicken fingers or pistrami, while my stomach
15:30
Speaker 1: played this sad sounding symphony of mournful groans. Is how
15:39
Speaker 1: that went. So. Then the morning arrives, I didn't sleep much.
15:45
Speaker 1: I usually sleep during the day. You arrive at the
15:47
Speaker 1: medical facility, the hospital, exhausted, dehydrated, emotionally spent. And then
15:52
Speaker 1: comes the single most uncomfortable part of this entire ordeal
15:57
Speaker 1: for me, Do you know it is two words? Two
16:02
Speaker 1: words that are the worst part. It's not the fasting,
16:05
Speaker 1: not the pooping, not even the procedure, which I'll tell
16:09
Speaker 1: you about in a second. The two words get naked. Now,
16:15
Speaker 1: let's be very clear about something. If you've listened to
16:18
Speaker 1: me over the years, you know I hate being naked,
16:20
Speaker 1: not that I talk about it off. I don't even
16:23
Speaker 1: like being partially uncovered in my daily life. My mantra
16:29
Speaker 1: on that is to dress like a Taco Bell seven
16:32
Speaker 1: layer burrito. Think about a seven layer burrito for a second.
16:36
Speaker 1: You've got seven distinct layers. You've got the beans, the rice,
16:41
Speaker 1: the cheese, the sour queen, the guawk, the lettuce, the tomatoes,
16:47
Speaker 1: all of that secured and wrapped in a warm flower tortilla.
16:53
Speaker 1: That is my ideal wardrobe structure. Under normal circumstances, I
16:57
Speaker 1: walk around wrapped in a seven heavy layer battle armer.
17:04
Speaker 1: If you will. You have to undershirt sometimes the button
17:07
Speaker 1: down shirt, the sweater, the shorts, the boxers, the heavy socks,
17:10
Speaker 1: the shoes, all that, and that is neatly wrapped in
17:15
Speaker 1: a thick shell of rather pale, aging human flesh. I
17:20
Speaker 1: am sealed shut. I am like that seven layer burrito
17:25
Speaker 1: from Taco Bell, except I've got the human flesh and
17:27
Speaker 1: that's it. But at the hospital they strip you of
17:32
Speaker 1: your seven layers. They hand you a thin, poorly made
17:36
Speaker 1: paper gown, which is clearly designed for someone who's much
17:40
Speaker 1: smaller than I am, and ties loosely to your back.
17:43
Speaker 1: The garment is designed by demons that leave your entire
17:49
Speaker 1: caboose exposed to the elements the cold, air conditioned draft
17:55
Speaker 1: of medical judgment. You are stripped of any dignity that
17:58
Speaker 1: you may have, your fleece, your socks, your shoes, all
18:02
Speaker 1: that stuff. And so finally they roll you into the room.
18:08
Speaker 1: Now this is where the magic happens. They tell you
18:11
Speaker 1: that you're going to take a nice little nap at
18:14
Speaker 1: the doctor's. You know, when the doctor comes in, you
18:17
Speaker 1: take a little nap. I was at a hospital and
18:19
Speaker 1: they give you a miraculous medicine. I jotted it down
18:24
Speaker 1: on my notes app. I believe it's called propofaal. I
18:28
Speaker 1: believe that's it. The nectar of the gods, the sweet
18:31
Speaker 1: nectar of the gods, and it makes you very, very sleepy.
18:36
Speaker 1: Most people don't remember the procedure at all. My wife
18:39
Speaker 1: had something like this done, and she remembered everything. She
18:42
Speaker 1: was like awake. And I told the woman who was
18:47
Speaker 1: involved in this, I said, listen, all right, I would
18:50
Speaker 1: like the full package. I would like to not see anything.
18:55
Speaker 1: So the lady who drugged me, the person in charge
18:59
Speaker 1: of that wonderfully efficient woman, not great personality. She wasn't
19:03
Speaker 1: very sweet or anything like that, but she was very
19:06
Speaker 1: good at a jab, which I guess is what you want,
19:08
Speaker 1: and she took excellent care of me. She injected the
19:11
Speaker 1: medicine into my IV, asked me a couple of basic
19:14
Speaker 1: questions about my morning, and within three seconds, bam, I
19:20
Speaker 1: was completely zonked out, gone out cold. And while you
19:24
Speaker 1: are sleeping like a newborn baby, the doctor goes to
19:28
Speaker 1: work with a tiny high tech camera. They gently insert
19:32
Speaker 1: said tiny high tech camera, a thin bendy tube with
19:38
Speaker 1: a tiny light and a lens at the end of
19:42
Speaker 1: it into your badonka donk. They call it. And this
19:47
Speaker 1: is one of my favorite parts too, They call it
19:49
Speaker 1: minimally invasive. That's the term they use, minimally invasive, right
19:57
Speaker 1: as if entering through the loading dog, which is normally
20:01
Speaker 1: an exit only with a piece of fiber optic cable,
20:05
Speaker 1: can ever be classified as minimal. Now, in that moment,
20:10
Speaker 1: you do cease of being human. You're no longer human.
20:14
Speaker 1: You become a transformer. More than meets the eye, You
20:17
Speaker 1: turn into a living breathing human go pro. It is
20:22
Speaker 1: quite literally a full camera crew setting up shop in
20:26
Speaker 1: your ass. Your tooks is ready for an official booth review.
20:32
Speaker 1: So here I am lying there, unconscious, dead to the world,
20:36
Speaker 1: while three people in masks watch my internal organs on
20:40
Speaker 1: a four K flat screen TV like it's Sunday night football.
20:45
Speaker 1: You hear Mike Turco and Chris Collinsworth, Let's take another
20:48
Speaker 1: look at that bend in the transverse colon. It's first
20:54
Speaker 1: down and ten to go, and they go back and forth.
20:58
Speaker 1: Looks like that colon's in a tight spot the spinter.
21:02
Speaker 1: So the tube slowly moves through the large intestine, which
21:05
Speaker 1: apparently I have sending crystal clear pictures back to the monitor.
21:09
Speaker 1: Oh thank god for technology. You think George Washington never
21:12
Speaker 1: had to have a colonoscopy. No Abraham Lincoln, no colonoscopy.
21:17
Speaker 1: So they're searching for anything unusual. The doctors, right, they're
21:21
Speaker 1: checking for things that shouldn't be there, the do hickey,
21:24
Speaker 1: the thing of a jig, specifically little bumps. They're called polyps.
21:30
Speaker 1: And now most polyps are not dangerous, they say, But
21:34
Speaker 1: if you do not get a colonoscopy, if you leave
21:36
Speaker 1: this thing alone, a certain percentage of them will turn
21:40
Speaker 1: into cancer. Cancer. That's not a great word. Now, the
21:47
Speaker 1: brilliant part of the whole design is that if they
21:51
Speaker 1: find a bumpety bump, they can remove it right then
21:54
Speaker 1: and they're on the spot. It's kind of like if
21:56
Speaker 1: you get into a car accident and some guy in
21:59
Speaker 1: a Toyota truck that's fifty years old pulls up and says, hey,
22:03
Speaker 1: I can get that dent out of your car and
22:06
Speaker 1: polish it. Okay, sounds good. I guess I can just
22:10
Speaker 1: pay a couple bucks. Sure, just pay me a couple bucks.
22:12
Speaker 1: It's fine. So they remove it right there. That the
22:14
Speaker 1: tube has tiny this is crazy microscopic tools built inside it,
22:20
Speaker 1: Like the doctor can reach in and snip off a
22:23
Speaker 1: polyp and bag it without making a single cut on
22:26
Speaker 1: the outside of your body. It's like sending a tiny
22:30
Speaker 1: camera on a flexible snake through the playground tunnel. Make
22:33
Speaker 1: sure it's clean and safe for the kiddos. And if
22:36
Speaker 1: it finds a little weed growing inside the plastics sliding tube,
22:42
Speaker 1: it reaches out and pulls it out by the roots
22:45
Speaker 1: before it turns into a forest. And then suddenly abracadabra
22:51
Speaker 1: hocus pocus. You're done, not done, done, not lights turn out,
22:56
Speaker 1: it's over, lights out, You're done. The tube comes out,
23:00
Speaker 1: the camera crew wraps up the production. You wake up
23:02
Speaker 1: in the recovery room. You're groggy, you're confused, you're asking
23:06
Speaker 1: the nurse stupid questions. They put me under. And when
23:09
Speaker 1: I opened my eyes, I looked at the nurse and
23:12
Speaker 1: I literally said, did I win? Did I win? The
23:15
Speaker 1: booth review? And the nurse laughed, and let's be honest, ay,
23:20
Speaker 1: colonoscopy is the only time in human history where you
23:24
Speaker 1: wake up from surgery and everyone in the room is
23:26
Speaker 1: smiling at you like they just found buried treasure. And
23:30
Speaker 1: in my case, unfortunately, they actually did find some treasure.
23:35
Speaker 1: Uh oh, spaghettio. They found a medium sized polyup hanging
23:39
Speaker 1: out in my colon uninvited, a little unwadded squatter and interloper.
23:45
Speaker 1: So the doctor took his machete, sliced it out of me,
23:48
Speaker 1: bagged it and took some photos. Of course, sent it
23:51
Speaker 1: straight to the lab for a biopsy. And I was
23:55
Speaker 1: on pins and needles for a few days. I put
23:57
Speaker 1: on my tap dance shoes and my happy face, and
24:01
Speaker 1: I just kind of waited. You know, that's all you
24:03
Speaker 1: can do. You wait for the official lab results before
24:06
Speaker 1: any kind of reaction. Officially, I was hoping it would
24:10
Speaker 1: be a celebratory reaction. I wanted to make sure everything
24:13
Speaker 1: was completely clear. And I got the lab results back
24:17
Speaker 1: actually yesterday afternoon, and reveal answers, reveal answers. What turns out. Fortunately,
24:26
Speaker 1: I'm good. Everything is clean. It was benign. We're in
24:30
Speaker 1: the clear. And look, I remember back in the day
24:33
Speaker 1: watching Major League Baseball, any random game on TV, and
24:40
Speaker 1: every Father's Day without fail. The players wore light blue
24:45
Speaker 1: batting gloves and they use special bats, and the announcers
24:49
Speaker 1: in the booth would spend three innings yapping about getting
24:52
Speaker 1: your prostate checked and getting your colonoscopy. And I used
24:55
Speaker 1: to roll my eyes. I just want to watch the game.
24:58
Speaker 1: Do not lecture me. That lecture me, I would change
25:02
Speaker 1: the channel. Now leave me alone, you knuckleheads, I would say,
25:07
Speaker 1: leave me alone, And now look at me. I have
25:10
Speaker 1: done a full one to eighty, and I've become that guy.
25:15
Speaker 1: I am standing on the bully pulpit, waving my arms
25:18
Speaker 1: in the air everywhere, preaching the Gospel of Gastro and
25:22
Speaker 1: trology or whatever it's called. It's important, it is. And
25:26
Speaker 1: here's why there is so much I'm saying about this
25:29
Speaker 1: as I was making the trip into the pod studio. Here,
25:32
Speaker 1: there is so much absolute crap, no pun intended, that
25:38
Speaker 1: happens in life that is entirely out of your control.
25:43
Speaker 1: You got nothing you can do about it. Things that
25:47
Speaker 1: can end this reality video game prematurely, heart disease, stray lightning,
25:53
Speaker 1: strikes bad drivers, terrible luck in the wrong place at
25:57
Speaker 1: the wrong time. We have no control of most of it. However,
26:02
Speaker 1: this is a relatively harmless minor inconvenience. It is a
26:08
Speaker 1: ganteed way to get extra lives before it's game over.
26:12
Speaker 1: Got to get those extra lives now. Bob Barker, who
26:15
Speaker 1: I met, I told a little bit about that. I
26:18
Speaker 1: met Bob when I was doing college radio at Saddleback.
26:22
Speaker 1: I went to a college radio convention where I'm pretty
26:24
Speaker 1: sure they don't have anymore. That's how old I am
26:27
Speaker 1: and Bob Barker spoke. He was the keynote speaker, and
26:31
Speaker 1: Bob on his TV show he used to say every
26:33
Speaker 1: single episode and every episode I used to ditch school
26:36
Speaker 1: and watch the Price is right. So I know this.
26:38
Speaker 1: I know this. He and every single episode of the
26:41
Speaker 1: Price is right by looking into the camera and saying
26:44
Speaker 1: into the needle dick microphone, help control the pet population.
26:48
Speaker 1: Have your pet sprayed and neutered or neutered I guess
26:51
Speaker 1: would be and not and neuter. I think you can't
26:53
Speaker 1: have sprayed and neuter. I think it's sprayed or neutered.
26:55
Speaker 1: So I'm taking the baton from my guy, Bob Barker.
26:59
Speaker 1: My message to you is simple, direct and non negotiable.
27:03
Speaker 1: Have them stick a camera and clippers up your tushy.
27:08
Speaker 1: Just do it. Put it up your tushy, Call the doctor,
27:12
Speaker 1: drink the battery acid, lose the seven layer burrito, Let
27:16
Speaker 1: the camera crew do the booth review, wake up, ask
27:20
Speaker 1: if you're one, collect your extra lives and you'll thank
27:24
Speaker 1: me later. You'll thank me. Lator Now to the phrase
27:29
Speaker 1: of the work. That's right, the phrase of the work,
27:35
Speaker 1: and today's phrase is shoot the breeze. Kind of like
27:39
Speaker 1: what we do on the place is we schmooze. We
27:40
Speaker 1: shoot the breeze. Now, shoot the breeze means you're casually relaxed,
27:47
Speaker 1: having a nice conversation, commitsing with no serious purpose or agenda.
27:54
Speaker 1: It's small talk. Now normally, if you run into me,
27:57
Speaker 1: I'm not a big small talk guy. I'm just not.
28:01
Speaker 1: I'm not. The expression is distinctly American. I did a
28:06
Speaker 1: little research. I felt down a rabbit hole. It first
28:08
Speaker 1: appeared in writing over one hundred years ago. Shoot the
28:11
Speaker 1: Breeze in like nineteen ten to the nineteen twenties, although
28:15
Speaker 1: they believe the spoken version of shoot the breeze had
28:19
Speaker 1: been around for a lot longer. So in the phrase,
28:23
Speaker 1: breeze refers to light, idle, chatter or gospel, not actual wind.
28:30
Speaker 1: Not actual wind. We used to have a producer at
28:32
Speaker 1: Fox Sports Radio named the Cool Breeze. They called them so.
28:35
Speaker 1: One leading origin theory is that soldiers in military barracks
28:40
Speaker 1: used the phrase while passing time with stories, jokes, and
28:46
Speaker 1: conversation during long stretches of downtime. There's another theory that
28:51
Speaker 1: it was on the Old West, the wild wild West,
28:54
Speaker 1: the American Frontier, where cowboys and rangers would gather around
28:58
Speaker 1: campfires or sit on porches and rocking chairs, and they'd
29:03
Speaker 1: swap stories and chit chat, and they'd go back and forth.
29:08
Speaker 1: All right, the verb shoot, there's an informal recreational feel
29:12
Speaker 1: to it, similar to expressions like shoot hoops or shoot
29:17
Speaker 1: pool or any of those things. So it certainly reflects
29:21
Speaker 1: the preference of many. There's a lot of you people
29:25
Speaker 1: that love your informal conversation. You can't get enough of it.
29:29
Speaker 1: I'm okay, I'm an introvert. I'm okay with it. I
29:31
Speaker 1: get my talking out on the podcast here and then
29:34
Speaker 1: the radio show and all that which we had last night.
29:37
Speaker 1: It is commonly used to describe co workers or neighbors
29:42
Speaker 1: or family, you know, friends, all that stuff, just chatting,
29:46
Speaker 1: chatting casually. So there it is the phrase of the work.
29:52
Speaker 1: Shoot the breeze. Meanwhile, time now for some food. He fun,
29:56
Speaker 1: hooray for food. He fun, hooty fun. That's right. Oh,
30:01
Speaker 1: I love it, love it, love it, love it. First
30:03
Speaker 1: up on Footy Fun Dave and Busters. Still hanging out
30:07
Speaker 1: Dave and Busters. They have launched three limited time wing
30:11
Speaker 1: flavors ahead of National Well, I think National Chicken Day
30:15
Speaker 1: was the other day. These things are gonna be around.
30:18
Speaker 1: Though they're gonna be around, They're they're not going away.
30:21
Speaker 1: So we'll name them and see if I would eat
30:24
Speaker 1: any of these things. That's the way the way of
30:27
Speaker 1: the World. The three limited time wing flavors, including a
30:31
Speaker 1: new Dill pickle rub and uh yeah, I'm good on that.
30:37
Speaker 1: Alf would love that. He loves the pickle thing. These
30:41
Speaker 1: new flavors are available now through early twenty seven. Twenty
30:44
Speaker 1: twenty seven, you have Dill Pickle Rub crispy wings coded
30:48
Speaker 1: in savory Dill pickle dry rub, finished with crinkle cut
30:52
Speaker 1: pickles and chopped parsley. I'm good on that. Cherry bomb sauce.
30:57
Speaker 1: That sounds all right, Cherry bomb sauce, crispy wings tossed
31:00
Speaker 1: and a sweet and smoky cherry barbecue sauce and top
31:05
Speaker 1: with those high end cherries and fresh green onion. I'd
31:12
Speaker 1: give that a shot. It's barbecue sauce with a sweet flavor.
31:16
Speaker 1: I'd give that a shot. And then they have Busters
31:19
Speaker 1: signature sauce, crispy wings tossed in a creamy, zesty mustard
31:23
Speaker 1: sauce featuring smoky sweetness and a subtle kick of heat.
31:28
Speaker 1: Of heat. By the way, National National Chicken Wing Day
31:33
Speaker 1: was a couple days ago, so it was a couple
31:37
Speaker 1: of days ago. But this will be good through early
31:39
Speaker 1: twenty twenty seven, so it's very expensive. When restaurants add
31:43
Speaker 1: new items, and so they got to keep it around
31:45
Speaker 1: to justify it. And that's how that goes. What else
31:48
Speaker 1: do we have? Crispy Cream has introduced new Latin American
31:52
Speaker 1: inspired donuts. Okay, what's this all about. Yeah, they've got
32:00
Speaker 1: guava cheesecake donut, a bunch of other random I don't know.
32:07
Speaker 1: I've heard of the most of these things. They look
32:10
Speaker 1: all right. I'm looking at a photo home. It looks
32:12
Speaker 1: designer ish. I give it a shot. I think they
32:16
Speaker 1: only have three different flavors. I think. So there you go,
32:22
Speaker 1: says the new Destination Dessert Collection. Okay, so the DDC
32:29
Speaker 1: Destination Dessert Collection wonderful, absolutely freaking great. Taco Bell I
32:36
Speaker 1: just did a tribute to Taco Bell. They've launched the
32:39
Speaker 1: new Crispy Chicken, Chipotle Bacon Melt Burrito, and pepper Jack
32:44
Speaker 1: Steak nacho fries. So I don't need the Crispy Chicken,
32:49
Speaker 1: Chipotle Bacon melt burrito. The pepper Jack Steak nacho fries.
32:54
Speaker 1: Now we got something. I've become very into nachos recently
32:59
Speaker 1: at the Mansion. The pepper Jack Steak Nacho fries feature
33:03
Speaker 1: golden nacho fries topped with grilled marinated steak, warm nacho
33:07
Speaker 1: cheese sauce, Pico degaio, creamy pepper jack sauce, and a
33:12
Speaker 1: three cheese blend of mozzarella cheddar. And you got to
33:16
Speaker 1: have that pepper jack obviously because it's in the name.
33:19
Speaker 1: It's the pepper Jack steak nachos. So you've got that.
33:24
Speaker 1: I'd go with that. Only four hundred and ninety calories,
33:28
Speaker 1: thirty two grams of fat. The Crispy Chicken Chipotle Bacon
33:32
Speaker 1: Milt burrito is seven hundred calories. Of course, if you're
33:37
Speaker 1: going to Taco Bell, are you really counting your calories?
33:42
Speaker 1: Like you know what I'm saying? You feel me on that? Hey,
33:45
Speaker 1: if you want fifty percent off your Domino's pizza, fifty
33:52
Speaker 1: off all menu price pizzas, It is back at Domino's.
33:56
Speaker 1: It started a couple of days ago. It goes through
33:59
Speaker 1: today isly thirty first. It goes through the weekend, so
34:03
Speaker 1: August second, August second, so you got Saturday and Sunday,
34:08
Speaker 1: and it's a summer promotion. They're offering fifty percent off
34:11
Speaker 1: all menu price pizzas ordered online at participating US location.
34:18
Speaker 1: I think you can do that on the phone. Also,
34:21
Speaker 1: I think you can do that on the phone, although
34:23
Speaker 1: I'm not I'm not completely sure on that one. All right,
34:28
Speaker 1: with that, we will put the baby to bed for
34:31
Speaker 1: another day and enjoy your Friday. Whatever you got going
34:35
Speaker 1: on today. I hope you stay safe and have fun
34:37
Speaker 1: and get out there. The weather's pretty good most places,
34:40
Speaker 1: so have a great time. Get some suntan lotion there,
34:43
Speaker 1: knock yourself out, and as Bob Barker taught me, I
34:49
Speaker 1: don't have your pet sprayed or neotered. I know, have
34:52
Speaker 1: the doctor stick a camera and clippers up your tushy.
34:56
Speaker 1: That's what you need to do. Anyway, listen, have a
34:58
Speaker 1: good day. We'll catch you next time. Bye bye, as
35:01
Speaker 1: Dick and Dton would say, bye bye,