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Transcript

Why YouTube Broke My Heart (and Why I Still Can’t Leave) · The Wandering Wolf Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: This is the audio version of this week's written post.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Enjoy!
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: What's up everyone?
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Today I want to take you along on a very honest,
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: personal story about my relationship with YouTube.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's not simple.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: It hasn't been simple for a long time.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: In fact,
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  SPEAKER_00: it feels more like a long,
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: confusing love-hate adventure than a platform I just post on.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: I have been uploading to YouTube for many years.
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  Over time I've seen channels disappear completely because of
• 0:36
  copyright issues.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Trends change,
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  algorithms shift and the platforms slowly become something I
• 0:44
  don't enjoy as much
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: anymore.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Earlier this year, in January, I decided to try long form videos again.
• 0:53
  I hadn't uploaded since November and I felt this little spark
• 0:58
  of maybe I should try.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: But when I came back, something felt different immediately.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: My videos barely getting 20 views.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Normally I will get closer to 100.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: That might not sound like a lot, but to me that drop was huge.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: It hurt in a way I wasn't really prepared for.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: I know many creators said that something changed in September.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: Even big YouTubers noticed it.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: But back then I didn't feel it.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: My videos were still getting around my usual 100 views.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: It was only after my break that everything seemed to fall flat.
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  SPEAKER_00: Completely flat.
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  SPEAKER_00: And no, I never had big views.
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  SPEAKER_00: I never blew up in a messy way.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: But when you used to have a certain level of engagement and it suddenly
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: disappeared,
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: it still hits you hard.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Really hard.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: So I tried something else.
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  I started uploading shorts because everyone says that YouTube
• 2:06
  pushes shorts way
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  SPEAKER_00: more than long form videos.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: I posted three of them.
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  SPEAKER_00: And as usual, it was a hit or miss.
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  SPEAKER_00: It has always been hit or miss for me with shorts.
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  I see other people post one short and suddenly get tons of
• 2:24
  views and subscribers.
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  SPEAKER_00: But that never really happens to me.
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  And honestly,
• 2:31
  most shorts that blew up are,
• 2:34
  in my opinion,
• 2:35
  not even that good.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes they are actually pretty bad.
• 2:41
  I don't understand why those go viral while thoughtful art
• 2:44
  videos struggle so much.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: I did blow up once with a short, but that was when shorts were still new.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: I got around 17k views, which was insane for me.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: But I never reached anything like that again.
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  SPEAKER_00: Not even close.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Over the years, I tried almost everything on YouTube.
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  Long form videos,
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  shorts,
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  live streams,
• 3:12
  art videos,
• 3:13
  mountain biking,
• 3:14
  gaming,
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  you name it.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: Strangely enough, my art videos have never really done well.
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  Even though I see other artists posting timelapse drawings and
• 3:25
  getting way more
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: views than me,
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  SPEAKER_00: they don't even talk,
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  SPEAKER_00: sometimes they don't even have subtitles,
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  SPEAKER_00: and yet people watch and comment.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then I start wondering, is my art just bad?
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: YouTube gurus always say you just need a better hook.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: But some of the videos that do really well don't even have hooks.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: They use silent drawings.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: So what am I doing wrong?
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: Or is it not me at all?
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  The videos that did work best for me were always review videos,
• 4:00
  especially art book reviews.
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  When I bought a new book and uploaded quickly,
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  I usually got views and subscribers.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, I did that on purpose.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted growth.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: But over time that stopped being fun.
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  I realized I was buying books mostly for content,
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  not because I actually wanted them.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now I only buy books I generally care about, which feels much healthier.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: And more money in my wallet.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: My timelapse videos used to do better too,
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  especially when I drew new characters from games like Apex
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  Legends right when a new
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  SPEAKER_00: season dropped.
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  SPEAKER_00: At first that worked, but over time it stopped.
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  SPEAKER_00: And I couldn't keep up with all the trends anyway.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yet again,
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  SPEAKER_00: I see other artists still getting tons of views from similar timelapses,
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  SPEAKER_00: which makes me question myself even more.
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  SPEAKER_00: Maybe my art just doesn't connect with people.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
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  SPEAKER_00: Then there is live streaming.
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  SPEAKER_00: I've been trying to stream since 2019.
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  SPEAKER_00: I have streamed on Twitch,
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  SPEAKER_00: tried YouTube,
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  SPEAKER_00: experimented with different approaches,
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  SPEAKER_00: and nothing ever really worked.
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  SPEAKER_00: I never reached 50 followers on Twitch.
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  SPEAKER_00: I never became a Twitch affiliate.
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  SPEAKER_00: Even when I fold the advice like promote on other platforms,
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  SPEAKER_00: some people grew without doing any of that while I stayed stuck.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: And that's painful because live streaming looks so fun.
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  SPEAKER_00: When chat is active,
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  SPEAKER_00: when people talk to you,
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  SPEAKER_00: when it feels alive,
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  SPEAKER_00: that's something I really want.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: But when no one is watching, it just feels lonely.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Right now, this actually blocks my creativity.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: I sit there thinking, should I film this art?
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: Should I stream this game?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: And in the end, I do nothing.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: And that's not good because I want to create.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: I want to draw.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: I want to play my games.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: I have like five new games I haven't even opened yet.
• 6:11
  And another one is coming in March that I really want to buy
• 6:15
  because it looks so beautiful.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's called Crimson Desert.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, Resident Evil fans.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: But there's always this voice in my head saying, you should stream this.
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  SPEAKER_00: You should show the world you play this.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then I stop and think, why?
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  SPEAKER_00: I never cared about that before.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Why do a certain feel like I have to perform my hobbies for an audience,
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  SPEAKER_00: especially when that audience barely exists?
• 6:46
  If you're thinking about live streaming,
• 6:49
  I do think YouTube is better than Twitch and Geek.
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  Because your streams can live on as long form videos if you use
• 6:57
  good titles and keywords.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: But still, nothing is guaranteed.
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  SPEAKER_00: And this brings me to something YouTube gurus rarely talk about.
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  SPEAKER_00: Luck.
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  SPEAKER_00: That's the real secret.
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  SPEAKER_00: Not hooks, not thumbnails, not algorithms, just luck.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: You can make the best video in the world,
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  SPEAKER_00: but if YouTube doesn't show it to people,
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  SPEAKER_00: it doesn't matter.
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  SPEAKER_00: If the algorithm only pushes it to 10 people and only one clicks,
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  SPEAKER_00: it will probably die right there.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter how much effort you put in,
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  SPEAKER_00: if the social system doesn't pick you up,
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  SPEAKER_00: you are invisible.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: The same goes for short.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yes,
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  SPEAKER_00: YouTube pushes them more,
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: but people scroll so fast that the chances they stop on your video...
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's still mostly timing and luck.
• 7:55
  Looking back over more than 10 years on YouTube,
• 7:58
  that's what I have learned.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Timing and luck matter more than anything else.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: And unfortunately, I don't feel like I had much of either.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: Last year, I finally reached 1k subs, which I'm proud of.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: But I still haven't reached 4k watch hours.
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  Now I'm stuck in that what feels like the hellhole,
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  where growth just stops.
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  this I still want to make videos because I actually enjoy it
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  but I'm also honest
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  SPEAKER_00: enough to admit it's not fun when nobody watches
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  Because of my ADHD and ASD,
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  and probably my past,
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  numbers affect me way more than they should.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's the same on Instagram.
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  If I post something and only get one like,
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  my brain immediately goes,
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  wow,
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  your art sucks.
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  SPEAKER_00: A reason I don't post on Instagram at all anymore.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Luckily, I know that's not true.
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  SPEAKER_00: But emotionally, it still hurts a lot.
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  SPEAKER_00: So what will I do now?
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  SPEAKER_00: Right now, my main focus is my email list.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: The place where you are listening on this.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: That feels more meaningful to me at the moment.
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  SPEAKER_00: More personal, more real.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: I might still upload to YouTube now and then.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe this podcast with an odd time lapse so more people can find it.
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  SPEAKER_00: Maybe some shorts?
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  SPEAKER_00: I don't really know yet.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: I have also been thinking about vlogging, either for long form or shorts.
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  SPEAKER_00: But then I look at my life and think, it's boring.
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  SPEAKER_00: Who would want to watch this?
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  And honestly,
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  if I wouldn't even want to watch my own vlog,
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  why would anyone else?
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  I will probably keep using YouTube community posts to promote
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  my email list and
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: also just to show that I'm still alive.
• 10:01
  Because honestly,
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  YouTube has always been a love-hate relationship for me.
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  SPEAKER_00: For many, many years.
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  SPEAKER_00: One part of me wants to keep going,
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  SPEAKER_00: while then another part of me is screaming,
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  SPEAKER_00: stop,
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  SPEAKER_00: it doesn't work,
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  SPEAKER_00: focus on drawing instead.
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  Right now I really want to focus more on podcasting and writing
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  like this because
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  SPEAKER_00: it actually feels fun again.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm uploading audio every two weeks and in between I share smaller posts.
• 10:31
  Last week I posted some photography,
• 10:33
  another hobby of mine,
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  and it didn't do well.
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  SPEAKER_00: That's okay.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe people will learn that I'm more than just one thing.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: At the end of the day, YouTube isn't actually bad.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's only bad if you let the numbers control you.
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  SPEAKER_00: And that's the hard part.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because even though I complain about it,
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: I still sit on YouTube every day,
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: watching random videos instead of drawing.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: That says something too.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: So, we'll see how this story ends.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: What about you?
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Are you on YouTube?
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: Are you thinking about starting?
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: I generally would love to hear your experience.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's all from me for today.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Bye.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: One more thing.
• 11:12
  I usually share my artworks and sketches in the written version
• 11:16
  of this audio podcast.