Latest / The Spiritual Parent: Mindful Tools for Raising Spiritual and Conscious Kids / Transforming Holiday Stress into Gratitude and Mindful Parenting with Insights from Guests Liz Morrison, Natasha Iregbu, Pearl Howie, and Shea LeJeune

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Transforming Holiday Stress into Gratitude and Mindful Parenting with Insights from Guests Liz Morrison, Natasha Iregbu, Pearl Howie, and Shea LeJeune · The Spiritual Parent: Mindful Tools for Raising Spiritual and Conscious Kids

• 0:00
  Natasha: take a moment to pause and be kind to yourself and say that I'm already doing enough and that I can't do everything and it's impossible to be everywhere all the time and to constantly meet needs that are or meet their needs.
• 0:14
  Natasha: But when it's once and you've not got the time or energy but especially they're young kids just they've always got so much energy that sometimes I think, as a mum, just reminding yourself and giving all that I can, and if I don't take a moment to look after myself, then I won't have that energy to look after my kids and remembering that the kids, they will be thankful for it, but they just might not express it verbally, that they might just give you a hug or a kiss or want to hold your hand, remembering that's the small things, that's that could be their way of saying thank you hi conscious parents.
• 0:54
  Carrie: It's carrie here and I am here with a little info about raising our mindful kids.
• 0:58
  Carrie: I've got some tips and tricks about breaking free of the box and becoming who you are and teaching your kids how to do that.
• 1:05
  Carrie: Along the way, join us, hi conscious moms and dads.
• 1:09
  Carrie: Do you have moments where you miss that flow state that you used to find before becoming a parent?
• 1:15
  Carrie: Was there something that you used to work in that your heart was really passionate about and you felt like you were making a difference in the world?
• 1:22
  Carrie: You can join us with a free guided meditation available in the show notes to help you rediscover your passion in life.
• 1:33
  Carrie: Hi there, and welcome back to this is Keri here, and I am so excited.
• 1:38
  Carrie: We have a Thanksgiving episode that we are bringing to you and it's my first big group episode, so I'm really excited.
• 1:46
  Carrie: We have Shea Lejeune, liz Morrison, pearl Howie and Natasha Erebu, so we're on both sides of the world today, which is actually really cool, and we're talking about Thanksgiving and what brings us all together.
• 2:02
  Carrie: We're really excited to be here.
• 2:03
  Carrie: Thanks so much, ladies, for joining me today and I guess let's just jump right in.
• 2:13
  Carrie: So we have been talking beforehand, emailing and discussing Thanksgiving and pieces of what that looks like for busy families, and I would love to know if anybody would like to jump in.
• 2:22
  Carrie: What do you feel like gratitude looks like?
• 2:26
  Carrie: What does it look like in your family?
• 2:27
  Carrie: What does it look like for you personally?
• 2:29
  Carrie: What do you maybe tell clients or people that you may chat with?
• 2:35
  Liz: I think that gratitude really looks like just showing appreciation for others, noticing the small things that are going on, like taking a minute to take it all in, maybe doing a kind gesture With my kids.
• 2:49
  Liz: I encourage them to say thank you and to just be mindful for themselves of what's around them and really just be aware that they have so much and others might not have as much.
• 3:04
  Carrie: That's great, yeah, and does anybody have any follow-ups on how you work on gratitude with your kids or any ideas of how we could teach our kids how to express gratitude, or maybe what modeling it may look like I was?
• 3:22
  Pearl: going to share what my nieces and nephews say to us, which I think is sometimes kids can't be really grateful for things because they don't.
• 3:31
  Pearl: They've always experienced something, so they don't know what it's like not to have it.
• 3:34
  Pearl: And I think sometimes, when you share those stories with the family, it can actually be really helpful.
• 3:40
  Pearl: And my nephew said once he said when you guys talk about your childhood, it sounds like you were living in Victorian times, because there were so many things that we didn't have.
• 3:50
  Pearl: And I think that's really helpful to them because then they do appreciate all those invisible things that you know that they've just got used to growing up with.
• 4:00
  Carrie: Yeah, yeah, I love that.
• 4:01
  Carrie: I think it's so important.
• 4:04
  Carrie: Thank you, pearl.
• 4:04
  Carrie: I think it's so important that we share what things may have been like, how things have changed, and showing them how we've evolved as humans too.
• 4:15
  Carrie: I love that piece.
• 4:16
  Carrie: Yeah, natasha, were you going to say something?
• 4:25
  Natasha: I just wanted to add.
• 4:26
  Natasha: My son's still quite young, he's not fully talking yet, but a practice that I quite like doing before I go to sleep is thinking about three things people or places that I feel grateful for each day, which could also be done at a child's bedtime or even just at a meal time, at dinner time, just going around the table and asking what's one thing that you feel thankful for today or what's one thing that you it made you feel happy that you experienced today.
• 4:51
  Natasha: It can help create gratitude and thankfulness for themselves, or it could be something about them themselves as well.
• 4:58
  Natasha: It could be that they feel grateful for if they've been playing football or a sport.
• 5:02
  Natasha: They're grateful that they can run simple things.
• 5:07
  Carrie: That's beautiful.
• 5:07
  Carrie: I love when we do it in a routine, so that way as we're establishing those grateful pieces each time, each day.
• 5:16
  Carrie: It really helps to have that practice for kids and for adults.
• 5:21
  Carrie: It helps me to remember oh yeah, today we're talking or each day we're talking about what we're grateful for.
• 5:26
  Carrie: I love that.
• 5:27
  Carrie: So I was going to ask how do you guys think that gratitude helps us to reset our bodies during stressful times?
• 5:36
  Carrie: So we were just chatting before we came on air about how Halloween happens, and then Thanksgiving is right after, and then Christmas or Hanukkah or winter solstice whatever families are celebrating comes right after, and it's like this chain reaction and I feel like that as we get closer and closer to the end of the year, the kids energy is more and more intense and ours feels more and more intense.
• 6:00
  Carrie: Shay, would you like to answer it for us?
• 6:02
  Carrie: Sure.
• 6:04
  Shea: I would say that you're right.
• 6:07
  Shea: It's like a snowball effect and if we're not careful we're just going to get busier and busier and we get this disease of more.
• 6:14
  Shea: So especially kids, but even us adults, can fall into it that we get into this lie and this thinking.
• 6:21
  Shea: This little disease called more, and it's.
• 6:24
  Shea: I need more things, I need more candy, I need more gifts, I need more celebrations for parents, I need more memories, I need more pictures, I need more connection, and that's really just buying into a lie that breathe discontent, because if we don't check in with ourselves and do those gratefulness practices, then we're headed into a busier and busier lifestyle.
• 6:48
  Shea: That's never enough.
• 6:51
  Shea: And that happens with our finances.
• 6:53
  Shea: It's never enough money.
• 6:54
  Shea: That happens with our time there's never enough time, there's never enough energy as parents, especially because we want to give to our kids, we want to give them everything.
• 7:04
  Shea: We want to give them everything we can.
• 7:06
  Shea: We want to give them our heart and our energy and our time and good gifts and good memories, and it's like a pressure, and so something that highly is highly effective in counterbalancing that which I know, we all know here because we're here in this podcast is stopping, just stop, and while we take a deep breath, remind ourselves what we already have, and I'm starting to do this with my kids more and more, when they get oh, I got another present, I got another thing and I got nothing.
• 7:43
  Shea: Okay, great, great, great, great.
• 7:45
  Shea: I'm going to add that to the list, but then we're going to stop.
• 7:48
  Shea: Do you have everything that you need?
• 7:51
  Shea: Yeah, oh, okay, cool, so these are just once, and it really helps to get us grounded in thankfulness in the moment of even moving towards that.
• 8:06
  Shea: I want this, I want that.
• 8:09
  Carrie: Yeah, that's so important.
• 8:10
  Carrie: I always say kids are not born with expectations, we create them.
• 8:14
  Carrie: That's true.
• 8:18
  Pearl: I was going to say actually, when you asked that question about how we reset our bodies and how we use that, and it just it just really took me back.
• 8:27
  Pearl: It reminded me of something I did right when we started going into lockdown during the pandemic here in the UK and obviously, like most people, I was so stressed out and panicking and I remember waking up quite early and going into the garden and just stopping and saying what do I want, what do I really want?
• 8:54
  Pearl: And it was like I want my mom to be safe and I want my grandma to be safe, and I want my brother to be safe, and this is what I'm scared of and this is what I want.
• 8:59
  Pearl: And in that moment I just went and that's exactly what I have right now.
• 9:04
  Pearl: And it was like, oh, okay, and it was a huge realization of I'm so worried about what's going to happen.
• 9:11
  Pearl: But actually I've got my heart's desire right now, so I should just enjoy it.
• 9:18
  Pearl: I should just relax, enjoy this morning.
• 9:21
  Pearl: They are all safe and I'm sure we feel like this about the kids a lot of the time as well we worry about and it's it's like actually, right in this moment, I have my heart's desire and I can just enjoy it, and that really helped me get through the whole thing.
• 9:34
  Carrie: Yeah, that's lovely to put it into perspective for yourself, right, what is the priorities, what is important?
• 9:41
  Pearl: and grounding yourself and resetting love that and I think it's like Black Friday.
• 9:47
  Pearl: It's there's.
• 9:47
  Pearl: You get all this stuff coming at you from all the.
• 9:50
  Pearl: You need this worry about this do, and it's very hard not to pick up on all of that.
• 9:56
  Pearl: Yeah.
• 9:59
  Liz: I was going to say, too, with my clients who are like a little more anxious or depressed or stressed, like sometimes it's really easy to get caught up in that, even as, carrie, you were saying it's this, it's that, it's this, and that you can feel your heart rate going a little bit more, getting to that place that both Pearl and Shia are saying, like helping people to work on, like taking deep breaths, like acknowledging what's around them, being like gratitude, can really help to reduce some of those symptoms of feeling like you're on the go.
• 10:32
  Liz: We're using mindfulness techniques where you're just really aware of the sights, the sounds, but in a more calm way and not letting like the hustle and bustle of holidays and everything else happening in your life interfere with how you can move forward, so you don't get like stuck.
• 10:52
  Carrie: Yeah, I love that.
• 10:53
  Carrie: Thank you, liz.
• 10:54
  Carrie: I think that's so powerful for so many people.
• 10:56
  Carrie: I would also say for me.
• 11:00
  Carrie: With Halloween, I was really realizing that I do not need to do every single Halloween tradition.
• 11:08
  Carrie: I don't need to carve all the pumpkins, do every single pumpkin patch, make every single costume myself.
• 11:18
  Carrie: I can pick and choose which things to prioritize.
• 11:24
  Carrie: Which things do I have the energy for?
• 11:27
  Carrie: Do I have the energy for the neighborhood Halloween party?
• 11:31
  Carrie: Maybe I'm super drained or my kids are super drained, but also following our energy and following our kids' energy.
• 11:40
  Shea: So good.
• 11:41
  Carrie: Hi there, changemaker moms and dads, it's K Carrie here.
• 11:43
  Carrie: I hope you're enjoying today's episode.
• 11:45
  Carrie: If there's any pieces of this episode that resonate with you, we would love for you to share it with a friend.
• 11:51
  Carrie: A little helping hand goes a long way.
• 11:53
  Carrie: We appreciate you tuning in, and here's more.
• 11:56
  Natasha: Similar to Halloween and for Christmas for when?
• 12:00
  Natasha: Mindful spending.
• 12:02
  Natasha: So similar to what Liz was saying about mindfulness when you're thinking about buying things for Halloween's past, but for coming up for the Christmas season, thinking about do I really need to buy, spend x amount of money for every single person and what would they actually appreciate, rather than just spending and buying things for the sake of buying them.
• 12:25
  Natasha: And just to take a mindful pause before making a massive Christmas list similar to what Shay was saying as well just pausing before deciding what you're going to buy and how much time and energy as well that goes into the run up to the Christmas season and the holidays, and being mindful of how much energy you're giving away and that's just taken away from your own what on your own self-care as well, but not forgetting about your yourself during the holiday season.
• 12:55
  Natasha: And maybe if you were thinking I'm going to spend lots of money on the kids and take a moment to think, oh, maybe I would deserve something small just for myself to help me feel calm, or even just a candle or something to mindfully take care of yourself as well yes, thank you, natasha.
• 13:15
  Carrie: I think, shay, you were gonna say something as well yeah, what Natasha said made me think of something else.
• 13:21
  Shea: I think the thing that, too is like priorities.
• 13:23
  Shea: Okay, so what's really the most important thing for me?
• 13:28
  Shea: But then also asking each of my five children, okay, what is the most important thing for you this Christmas?
• 13:34
  Shea: And not just about gifts, but like traditions or things that we enjoy, and if each one of us seven of us are getting something that we really value not just a present, but I want to do the caroling or I want to open presents at this time then I feel like each person feels validated in that moment and is able to have a buy-in to what's going on.
• 13:58
  Shea: Because sometimes, as parents, there's like these invisible voices I call it the invisible voices because they're not even real but they tell us oh, you got to do this and you need to do that, and then it needs to be this big and look at Pinterest, and the reality is that's invisible.
• 14:15
  Shea: No one's actually doing that.
• 14:17
  Shea: No one's actually putting all this pressure on us.
• 14:20
  Shea: Our kids don't even care about that likely, and we may not even care about it.
• 14:28
  Shea: We may just feel like we should.
• 14:30
  Shea: So I always pause when people are telling me gotta do this, I gotta oh, you do, and especially with my clients.
• 14:37
  Shea: It's like are there invisible people who's saying that?
• 14:43
  Shea: No one second of all are there shoulds.
• 14:46
  Shea: So if you're yourself, it gets pretty gross.
• 14:57
  Carrie: I like the shoulding.
• 14:58
  Carrie: That's pretty funny.
• 14:59
  Carrie: Yeah, the shoulds trying to fit in the picture perfect box.
• 15:03
  Carrie: I feel like Pinterest is a sore subject in my house.
• 15:06
  Carrie: If I bring up Pinterest, my husband is already.
• 15:11
  Carrie: Please don't bring up Pinterest.
• 15:12
  Carrie: I don't want to do any of those other things that you're trying Setting the bar up here when really where does our right?
• 15:18
  Carrie: We need to be down here.
• 15:19
  Carrie: We need to be in that lower range of what we actually expect out of a holiday, what we expect out of our spouses and our kids and our lives, and prioritizing.
• 15:29
  Carrie: I love that, shay, that's great.
• 15:30
  Carrie: Thank you.
• 15:31
  Pearl: Just coming back to that thing you said about should.
• 15:33
  Pearl: I was just thinking there was a time when I was really doing like a lot of gratitude practice and I realized I was really messing myself up with it, because I realized what I was doing was really for me, it wasn't so much oh, I'm grateful for this, I'm grateful for that.
• 15:49
  Pearl: It was actually what I was doing was reinforcing a sense of worthlessness, like I don't deserve this, I don't deserve that, and so I had to stop really, and I think the way I would describe my gratitude practice now is more of a Zen gratitude practice in terms of just going and doing whatever.
• 16:11
  Pearl: Usually for me it's like a walk down to the beach and just just enjoying the walk, and then all of a sudden it will just come up, really naturally and authentically, just coming up, and it would just be like, oh, thank you, thank you, thank you for this lovely walk, thank you.
• 16:27
  Pearl: I love my life, thank you for my life, and it's a really deep feeling, but it's not really coming from the mind, it's coming really from the heart, which, which is great because when it happens I'm like, oh yeah, I am doing my gratitude practice, but it's not structured, it's just very free and relaxed me think of, like the legalism, like performative gratitude practice.
• 16:53
  Shea: Like at 8 a, I got to do my gratitude practice, which I think you're right the more organic process that we know is going to give us the space, the time, the energy and the imagination.
• 17:07
  Shea: That's what's going to create gratitude.
• 17:09
  Shea: We need boredom in our life in order to be creative and a part of that is creating that walk, like you took the walk, just take the walk, give yourself that time and that permission to have unscheduled time to explore your world, and I think that's so beautiful.
• 17:31
  Carrie: I love what you're saying about your own version of finding gratitude and it coming from your heart, right, instead of finding the structure of the mind of how this is how we're supposed to express gratitude.
• 17:45
  Carrie: That's, it's beautiful.
• 17:46
  Pearl: I was thinking about what you were saying as well, about when you're working, just living with your kids.
• 17:52
  Pearl: It's sometimes the gratitude also is non-verbal, and I know that when I was a kid I really struggled to say thank you, like it really stuck here and I think it was partly being a bit quiet and shy, but also the feeling that if I said thank you for something, I'd find out it wasn't really meant to be for me and it would be taken away.
• 18:16
  Pearl: So it's a little bit like and I don't know if any of you have ever experienced this, it's a bit like imposter syndrome, the thing of actually if I receive something, I'm going to keep it really small and quiet and hide it instead of saying oh wow, thank you so much.
• 18:31
  Pearl: And I think sometimes with kids is what I know with my nieces and nephews.
• 18:35
  Pearl: Sometimes when they receive a gift, they actually go really quiet about it but it's oh, I can't believe I got this.
• 18:41
  Pearl: I can't believe, and so it's not that it's not there or they don't appreciate things, it's just it comes, the gratitude is expressed or not expressed in unusual ways.
• 18:55
  Liz: I don't know if you've ever experienced that.
• 18:56
  Liz: Yeah, I think what you're saying is so important.
• 18:58
  Liz: I feel like gratitude can be expressed in a variety of different ways.
• 19:01
  Liz: There's no like cookie cutter model to gratitude and what you're seeing with your nieces and nephews like getting really quiet.
• 19:08
  Liz: I have seen some kids do that, or we're all ingrained to be like say thank you, and sometimes kids don't wanna say thank you and sometimes kids don't want to say thank you and it becomes why am I having them say thank you if one?
• 19:20
  Liz: They don't mean it or they don't want to express it like that, right, then it becomes a forced level of gratitude, which isn't really gratitude at that point.
• 19:29
  Liz: So I do think it's.
• 19:31
  Liz: How do we acknowledge that people can express themselves differently, and that's okay.
• 19:39
  Liz: And how do people celebrate gratitude differently too?
• 19:41
  Liz: That's also okay, right, Like somebody might need to go outside and look around and take in the air, but for other people they might need to write a thank you note, right, and put it on words to paper or write in the journal or something like that.
• 19:55
  Liz: So it's, I think that's a really good point.
• 19:57
  Carrie: I love that.
• 19:58
  Carrie: I was just thinking.
• 19:59
  Carrie: I actually wrote it down.
• 20:00
  Carrie: When we make our kids say I'm sorry and they're not feeling that sorry, right it's we're making our kids say thank you, say please, say thank you, and they just get that routine.
• 20:10
  Carrie: Does anybody have any ideas of ways that we can help our kids to understand that feeling without making them do it Right, say the right word?
• 20:20
  Shea: I think it starts with demonstration.
• 20:22
  Shea: If I'm showing them what the example is and expressing to them my gratitude for them and showing them my thankfulness, that's a good first step.
• 20:32
  Shea: I know that sometimes I do value polite behavior, and so I do require my kids to say thank you to people who've given them a huge gift.
• 20:45
  Shea: But at the same time, when it comes to thank you and I'm sorry, within the family, in the context of the family, I can pause and say are you thankful for that?
• 20:56
  Shea: And it gives them a moment, or do you appreciate this?
• 21:01
  Shea: And not expecting or needing a reply for me, but asking about it for them.
• 21:06
  Shea: And I found out the dinners like and don't like.
• 21:09
  Shea: This way I figured out oh, you really didn't want to go to that friend's house.
• 21:13
  Shea: I had no idea.
• 21:14
  Shea: So asking it as a question instead of a command and saying I'm sorry, do you feel sorry that you hit your sister in the face?
• 21:22
  Shea: She looks hurt.
• 21:24
  Shea: Are you sorry that you hurt her?
• 21:27
  Shea: And nine times out of ten is oh yeah, but occasionally it's no.
• 21:34
  Shea: Okay, I'm sorry, you don't feel sorry yet.
• 21:37
  Shea: But we're going to practice saying I'm sorry, because that's the direction we want to go when we hurt someone else.
• 21:45
  Shea: Something inside of us called empathy needs to come up and go.
• 21:48
  Shea: I feel your feeling.
• 21:51
  Shea: Oh, that would hurt.
• 21:52
  Shea: What if that happened to me?
• 21:53
  Shea: Kids can't connect that yet they can't connect.
• 21:57
  Shea: Oh, how would this make me feel For the longest time.
• 22:01
  Shea: They're so self-centered and self-absorbed and that's okay.
• 22:04
  Shea: That's how they're wired, but it's trying to connect those dots for them.
• 22:08
  Shea: So as they get older, they start to oh wait, this connects to that.
• 22:13
  Shea: How would would I feel if?
• 22:14
  Shea: How do they look like they feel?
• 22:15
  Shea: What is their face doing?
• 22:17
  Shea: Do they look upset?
• 22:18
  Shea: I can care about how they're responding.
• 22:21
  Shea: I don't know if that's helpful, but that pause in question really helps with my kid I was thinking the same about the empathy as well, she.
• 22:28
  Natasha: I was thinking really into the feelings.
• 22:31
  Natasha: Rather than saying that you have to say, please, sorry, thank you, thank you.
• 22:35
  Natasha: You could ask them about a time how they feel in their bodies as well.
• 22:38
  Natasha: I know that some kids find it difficult to connect with in their bodies, but they can notice how they're feeling in their bodies.
• 22:45
  Natasha: So if they receive something you say does that feel inside your body?
• 22:49
  Natasha: Rather than saying an emotion like happy, you could say, well, say, my stomach and my tummy feels warm, or my heart feels happy, or something that can relate to internal sensations, which then, once they recognize what that feeling is and they can sense it the next time they receive a similar experience or a gift, they'll know what that feeling feels like.
• 23:14
  Natasha: So then they would be genuine if they were to say thank you, because they would be able to be aware that self-awareness of their feeling, which would also link to the empathy towards others as well, because if they'd been hurt and someone didn't say sorry to them, you could say how does that feel in your body?
• 23:31
  Natasha: And then that might help them think oh, someone else might feel similar if I was to hurt them and not say sorry, that that could help develop the empathy and and compassion for for themselves and for other people as well love that, natasha.
• 23:48
  Carrie: I feel like helping them to understand that mind-body connection when they're so young and teaching them those pieces now is laying that foundation for when they're adults.
• 23:58
  Carrie: I love that, pearl, were you going to say?
• 24:01
  Pearl: something I was thinking about something.
• 24:02
  Pearl: I love these questions because when you first sent out the email with the questions, I was like, oh, I had instinctive and immediate responses, and then more things were coming up and today I had one and it was like one of the things I always feel and I don't know if you're the same with your work is it's so important to give people the space to feel safe, to feel their feelings and express things.
• 24:28
  Pearl: And one of the things I've also found like with fear of success is that sometimes people have experienced like being punished when they're a child, and one of the ways that often people are disciplined is by taking away the things that they love, like their playtime or their favorite toy or something like that, and I think that's something that it's punishment and a lot of people see that as discipline, but it can be something that makes people afraid to really express.
• 25:03
  Pearl: This is my favorite toy.
• 25:05
  Pearl: I'm so grateful for this.
• 25:06
  Pearl: I love going out to play at break time because the teachers take that away as a punishment.
• 25:12
  Pearl: So I think that's another thing we need to look at is, say, if we want our kids to be open and to be able to express themselves and share with us how they're feeling.
• 25:21
  Pearl: We also have to not use it against them and not punish them by.
• 25:29
  Pearl: I heard this on the train and I don't know if you want to include this or not and made me really sad, and a father or a male guardian was with a little kid and was obviously really angry with them and he said you're not going to be able to ring your grandma tonight.
• 25:45
  Pearl: So obviously he was trying to take away this privilege, let me take away.
• 25:49
  Pearl: And I thought, yeah, but that's just punishing everybody.
• 25:52
  Pearl: Like you're punishing the grandma, you're punishing the child.
• 25:55
  Pearl: I have no idea what was going on, but it was.
• 25:57
  Pearl: It really made me feel like it's so sad when, then, people don't feel safe to express what they love and experience.
• 26:06
  Pearl: It's not safe to love this.
• 26:08
  Pearl: It's not safe to love this somebody else, it's not safe to love what I love to do, because somebody's going to make me feel vulnerable vulnerable about it.
• 26:18
  Shea: I have a question about that, because we do have to have consequences and boundaries.
• 26:22
  Shea: There has to be some way.
• 26:25
  Pearl: You can't do that yeah, yeah, but I and consequence consequences are vital, absolutely vital.
• 26:34
  Pearl: We need to understand consequences.
• 26:36
  Pearl: But, for example, say, your kid makes a big mess, instead of taking away something like that, give them the consequence of okay, now we have to clean up this mess, let it be.
• 26:48
  Pearl: We need to.
• 26:49
  Pearl: Obviously we need to learn consequences.
• 26:51
  Pearl: But it's about safety feeling emotionally safe If I open up to my brothers and sisters about what I love and then they use it to torture me.
• 27:06
  Pearl: There's a very interesting chapter in the Road Less Travelled about a man who was hiding everything he loved, even from himself, because he'd been bullied so much by his brothers.
• 27:18
  Pearl: They made fun of everything that he liked and so he couldn't even admit to himself.
• 27:23
  Pearl: That was what was really important to him, and I think that if a friend told you what they love, you wouldn't try and punish them or your partner.
• 27:31
  Pearl: You wouldn't try and punish them by taking it away from them.
• 27:32
  Pearl: So why would you do that to a child?
• 27:34
  Pearl: You still have consequences in a relationship if it's a friend, if it's a partner, but you wouldn't seek to hurt somebody.
• 27:42
  Pearl: Does that make sense?
• 27:47
  Shea: yeah, yeah, I think so, with the like, connection and safety part of it.
• 27:53
  Shea: Like I'm always very clear it doesn't matter what you do, you're getting that hug, you're getting that kiss, you're getting that time, because their behavior is not what dictates my response and as far as, like, my quality time and my affection and it can be hard, because if they spent the last six hours trying to actively drive me crazy on purpose, like literally even admitted to it, yeah, after six hours of that, I'm not going to be like, yay, let's have fun together now that it's our special time.
• 28:28
  Shea: So I have to be able to regulate myself as a parent to go okay.
• 28:33
  Shea: What's really happening right now is are they vying for a positive attention, but all I'm giving them is negative because that's all I'm making time for.
• 28:42
  Shea: When's the last time I took that kid out for a special we call it a special one-on-one time and that one-on-one time is so pivotal for them, even if it's for 10, 15 minutes, because it takes forever to get to next Friday.
• 28:57
  Shea: Their timeline takes more time.
• 29:00
  Shea: 15 minutes for a kid is so significant.
• 29:04
  Shea: So, even if I take 15 minutes with each of my kids in a row, which I've done many times or 30 minutes and just spent time with them talking about what they want to talk about, letting them lead the conversation, getting them a steamer, whatever it is to have that quality time, even if they've been insane all day.
• 29:23
  Shea: It teaches them that, no matter how they act, they do have a safe place that they can go to and express how they really feel about everything, and that's at least what I'm hoping to foster in my house.
• 29:36
  Pearl: I think a lot of what you're talking about is just that thing of kids needing to test the boundaries.
• 29:43
  Pearl: They need to, and it's part of that safety, isn't it?
• 29:45
  Pearl: I need to know that I can't get away with it, with everything, but I need to know that I'm still safe and I'm still loved and I'm still cherished.
• 29:55
  Pearl: But it's it's not the same as willfully setting out to to hurt your kids and I.
• 30:02
  Pearl: It's like, for example, talking about the guy on the train.
• 30:05
  Pearl: It's different if, say, you have a situation with your child and you're like and you have to say, look, I'm sorry, but it's too late now and we can't call grandma because it's too late and that's a consequence.
• 30:15
  Pearl: But to make them understand you're not just taking it away, you're not.
• 30:20
  Pearl: There's a reason for that.
• 30:22
  Pearl: You have to understand if we do this, then we can't do that.
• 30:26
  Pearl: If you mess around and we miss the train, we're not going to be able to do the other thing that we wanted to do.
• 30:32
  Pearl: But then they understand it's part of learning and growing, but it's not.
• 30:38
  Pearl: Hey, if I let my family know what I really care about, then I'm putting that stuff at risk because that's not a great space to be in.
• 30:47
  Carrie: Yeah, that makes sense.
• 30:48
  Carrie: I can see that that they don't want to maybe share what is important to them if they don't feel safe.
• 30:54
  Carrie: They feel like they're going to have it taken away.
• 30:56
  Carrie: I did have a question for you guys.
• 30:59
  Carrie: I was when we were talking about I think Natasha had mentioned the mind-body connection with the feelings of gratitude and the feelings we're having.
• 31:08
  Carrie: I wanted to ask a lot of times in motherhood it can feel like a thankless job.
• 31:14
  Carrie: You don't hear thank you unless you prompt it.
• 31:17
  Carrie: And do you have any tips for moms to keep that energy going?
• 31:24
  Carrie: It can feel thankless.
• 31:25
  Carrie: You could be making six different meals, six different sides or things to go with your turkey on Thanksgiving.
• 31:33
  Carrie: You could be running them to four different sports, especially Shay.
• 31:38
  Carrie: I think you must be all over the place with five kiddos.
• 31:40
  Carrie: What do you guys do?
• 31:41
  Carrie: What are some ideas in keeping going?
• 31:45
  Carrie: If it feels like a thankless job for moms, If you're in that burnout zone, maybe, if you feel like you don't job for moms, if you're in that burnout zone, maybe if you feel like you don't hear thank you or you're wearing six different hats as a mom like a self-compassion practice can be a good way to to start, especially if your children are in or your child isn't speaking yet because they can't say thank you.
• 32:06
  Natasha: but just having that self-compassion for your yourself, if you're thinking, oh, I've got so much to do and no one thanks me for it, or they can't tell me that they're thankful just to take a moment to pause and be kind to yourself and say that I'm already doing enough, and it is can't do everything, and it's it's impossible to be everywhere all the time and to constantly meet needs that are meet their needs, but when it's once and you've not got the time or energy, but especially their young kids, just they've always got so much energy that sometimes I think, as a mum, just reminding yourself and giving all that I can, and if I don't take a moment to look after myself, then I won't have that energy to look after my kids.
• 32:52
  Natasha: Remembering that the kids, they will be thankful for it, but they just might not express it verbally.
• 32:58
  Natasha: They might just give you a hug or a kiss or want to hold your hand, remembering the small things that could be their way of saying thank you, rather than apparently saying thank you, rather than apparently saying thank you for doing it.
• 33:13
  Carrie: Yeah, that's beautiful.
• 33:14
  Carrie: I love that.
• 33:15
  Carrie: Thank you, Natasha.
• 33:16
  Carrie: Liz, did you have something you were going to say?
• 33:22
  Liz: Yeah, I was just going to say I think it's also about finding things for yourself too.
• 33:27
  Liz: I have very young children, or not very young, but I have a seven year old and a four year old and so, even though they are verbal, sometimes it definitely feels like a thankless job, but I find sort of finding some me time during the day is really helpful, whether it's just going to the gym or going for a drive somewhere or just going to like my favorite store, calling a friend, planning a mom's night with some of the other moms, where we talk about how we feel and commiserate together, or going on a date with my husband or things like that.
• 34:03
  Liz: So finding the things for myself that can create some relaxation time or create some time where I can say, okay, maybe it was a hectic, stressful morning, but I'm also finding this for myself.
• 34:15
  Liz: But then also it's paying attention to the little things, like my daughter.
• 34:20
  Liz: This morning just it was running around 630 in the morning, it just snowed here, so they're very excited and I was like I just want to go back to sleep and she just came in, gave me a hug and then went away and there was no thank you like a verbal thank you.
• 34:34
  Liz: There was no, none of that.
• 34:36
  Liz: But the hug felt so special and so meaningful in so many ways.
• 34:42
  Liz: And there are a lot of moments like that, whether it's hold my hand or my four-year-old.
• 34:48
  Liz: Sometimes he just needs me, he just needs to be picked up, or he needs me to pick up the food he threw on the floor or whatever it is, which can feel like a chore to me at times.
• 34:59
  Liz: But if I didn't do some of those things for him, I also wouldn't be demonstrating love and caring and, hopefully, gratitude for them in the future.
• 35:10
  Liz: So it can be verbal or nonverbal, but then also finding things for yourself.
• 35:15
  Shea: No, that's so good, so good.
• 35:17
  Shea: I had five kids in six years, so I was in three.
• 35:23
  Shea: We had three in diapers at three in diapers at the same time, and during that time of my life it definitely felt like survival and I had to be so intentional to have any time whatsoever for myself.
• 35:37
  Shea: My husband was working full time, gone for 12 to 14 hour days because he was he's a nurse, and some days he would work six days a week.
• 35:46
  Shea: So it was insane and I can only tell.
• 35:50
  Shea: The only way I got through it were two things.
• 35:53
  Shea: One, my spirituality.
• 35:55
  Shea: Like I had to just check in and I derive peace from the originator, the higher power.
• 36:04
  Shea: I just pause and I pray, and I had to do that in the bathroom.
• 36:08
  Shea: I just pause and I pray, and I had to do that in the bathroom.
• 36:11
  Shea: Every single time I went to the bathroom it was like the door is locked and they were screaming.
• 36:18
  Shea: I was like is someone bleeding?
• 36:20
  Shea: No, okay, I'll be out in two minutes.
• 36:24
  Shea: And so, first of all, my spirituality bathroom spirituality which is legit.
• 36:35
  Shea: You need a hashtag for that Shay Bathroom, spirituality.
• 36:38
  Shea: And number two was my mom.
• 36:40
  Shea: And my mom and I did not have an awesome relationship in my 20s and until I came to this point where I had three kids in three years and I needed her, like I needed her, and I only saw her on holidays and a few other times a year.
• 36:59
  Shea: We weren't seeing each other in person very much.
• 37:01
  Shea: And I called her and it was like I need you.
• 37:04
  Shea: And she was like what do you need?
• 37:05
  Shea: And I realized she had no idea how to help me.
• 37:08
  Shea: She said I didn't have three kids in three years for a reason.
• 37:11
  Shea: I find that overwhelming, that's too much.
• 37:13
  Shea: And then so, instead of listening to the judgment that I could have heard in that statement, I said mom, you don't even have to watch the kids, I just need help.
• 37:24
  Shea: Even if you do housework, I just need someone to come and she goes how much and for how long?
• 37:29
  Shea: And so he said once a week for two hours, like I just made it up and it was a sacrifice for her.
• 37:37
  Shea: She didn't really like it at first, but as we went along she got more and more comfortable with my kids.
• 37:42
  Shea: I got more and more comfortable with her, and for seven years she came to my house.
• 37:48
  Carrie: Wow, oh my gosh, that's a blessing.
• 37:51
  Shea: Two hours sometimes two and a half if I'm lucky and it made me feel supported.
• 37:57
  Shea: It wasn't enough, quote, unquote because the life was insane, but it was something that helped.
• 38:02
  Shea: And then I was getting up at five in the morning at one point to go on walks, which is early.
• 38:08
  Shea: I don't like getting up at five, but if I didn't do that I wouldn't have any time for myself and I learned that prioritizing myself and my needs was the only way that I was going to get through to the next period of my life.
• 38:24
  Shea: And to answer your question of earlier about being like I bet you're busy and crazy all the time no, I'm actually not.
• 38:31
  Shea: I we don't schedule a lot for a family of seven and that's really intentional.
• 38:36
  Shea: This is the only time that they're going to be kids and I want to make sure that time is spent with their family, getting to know their parents and learning everything they can from us because I know we're going to blink and they're going to be gone and learning everything they can from us, because I know we're going to blink and they're going to be gone, and so we don't prioritize activities or sports or anything outside of friends and family time.
• 38:56
  Shea: So I'm actually pretty chill about our schedule, believe it or not.
• 39:03
  Carrie: I love it.
• 39:03
  Carrie: I think calling our mom is definitely one that I was going to say actually helps me a lot, because she was in a thankless position at one time and she understands what you're going through.
• 39:16
  Carrie: Oftentimes, or sometimes, I've even called my mother-in-law when I'm raising my little brainiac gifted children and I didn't know and I felt hopeless, what do I do?
• 39:28
  Carrie: I don't know what to do.
• 39:28
  Carrie: So I've actually called my mother-in-law and said can you help me with this?
• 39:32
  Carrie: But yeah, so that was somebody else that understood what I was going through and she was happy to just listen and chat and that was really, I felt, really seen and heard.
• 39:41
  Carrie: So it was a really cool experience.
• 39:43
  Carrie: Pearl, you were gonna say something, I think.
• 39:52
  Pearl: Just the whole holidays getting crazy, being crazy and doing so many things.
• 39:54
  Pearl: And I think the biggest thing is just to stop, because it's what Shea said earlier, was this thing of more?
• 39:59
  Pearl: And I don't know about you, but our family always too much food at Christmas.
• 40:04
  Pearl: Everybody's got to make this.
• 40:05
  Pearl: It's just stop.
• 40:06
  Pearl: Too many presents, too many presents under the tree.
• 40:09
  Pearl: We've had it before where the kids have just been exhausted and sometimes I just keep.
• 40:14
  Pearl: Sometimes I've kept my presents back and for the next day or in a couple of days because they won't even notice those presents if they open them along with everything.
• 40:23
  Pearl: And I think sometimes we overcompensate for times when we didn't have that much or there was a lack one year or something, but really most things it's we do too much.
• 40:34
  Pearl: The thing that always gets me is my mum has always seems to have to hoover the house on Christmas Eve and I'm like, why do you have to hoover the house on Christmas Eve?
• 40:43
  Pearl: Why can't you just relax and oh, but it's got to be done.
• 40:46
  Pearl: I'm like we're not even going to be here Christmas Day, but there's, I think there's a.
• 40:49
  Pearl: There's some you get into that, but it's got to be done.
• 40:50
  Pearl: I'm like we're not even going to be here Christmas Day, but I think there's some.
• 40:52
  Pearl: You get into that thing.
• 40:53
  Pearl: I've got to do this.
• 40:54
  Pearl: I've got to buy this.
• 40:55
  Pearl: We did this, this is a tradition.
• 40:56
  Pearl: We've got to do this.
• 40:57
  Pearl: If I fail and we don't have something that somebody thinks is important this year, then I'll know for next year and will appreciate it more next year.
• 41:09
  Pearl: But really, I think a lot of it is insurance, isn't it?
• 41:12
  Pearl: Maybe we might need this and maybe we might need an extra present or an extra this or an extra.
• 41:16
  Pearl: Hang on, just I'm driving myself crazy and ruining my and I'm like that I I used to go to the store and I'd be buying like, send me for crisps, and I'd come back with 10 different kinds of crisps, you know, honestly.
• 41:29
  Pearl: And I was like, okay, I'm gonna stop doing this because I'm overcome.
• 41:32
  Pearl: I'm constantly overcompensating because I don't want the kids to ever feel disappointed.
• 41:37
  Shea: I never want them to feel a lack you're like well, what was the favorite kind of chip?
• 41:43
  Pearl: I can't even remember.
• 41:45
  Pearl: I can't even remember nobody opened.
• 41:47
  Pearl: We didn't open them, there was too much food.
• 41:49
  Pearl: I don't know if you Nobody opened, we didn't open them, there was too much food.
• 41:50
  Pearl: I don't know if you do this.
• 41:52
  Pearl: Cheese plates Do you do cheese plates?
• 41:54
  Pearl: Cheese boards, utility no no, no.
• 41:59
  Pearl: But you've got to Christmas and we've got to have the cheese board, we've got to have the puddings, we've got to have this.
• 42:04
  Pearl: You finish Christmas dinner, we can't eat anything.
• 42:06
  Pearl: You can't get the cheese board out, you can't.
• 42:09
  Pearl: You're lucky if you open the Christmas pudding or Christmas cake because, honestly, by that point nobody can eat anything.
• 42:18
  Pearl: And you think why do we have to have three kinds of mince pie and three kinds of?
• 42:22
  Pearl: Because we got lost in the shop and just kept buying them.
• 42:24
  Carrie: I love that.
• 42:25
  Carrie: I think like lowering our expectations, right?
• 42:28
  Carrie: Don't turn here's my last piece of advice from Carrie Don't turn into scary Carrie on the morning of Thanksgiving.
• 42:36
  Carrie: You're like my mom and dad are coming.
• 42:38
  Carrie: Mom always had the perfect household.
• 42:40
  Carrie: So I'm out here vacuuming, yelling at my husband.
• 42:43
  Carrie: Get those plates down.
• 42:44
  Carrie: Kids, pick up those toys.
• 42:46
  Carrie: Like scary Carrie in the morning of Thanksgivinggiving, please.
• 42:50
  Carrie: Like you both.
• 42:51
  Carrie: Like you said, pearl shay, you guys.
• 42:53
  Carrie: We've all talked about stopping and breathing and maybe try to find five minutes for mom to meditate.
• 43:01
  Carrie: It could be shay's bathroom.
• 43:03
  Carrie: Spirituality, I don't know.
• 43:06
  Pearl: Yeah, stopping and breathing, I guess, say one thing which is like the thing about lack and not necessarily having a lot when we were kids, but what we did my mom, she was actually a single mom of five kids and the one thing that we did all the time and most of my memories are is going for lovely long walks because we don't have any money.
• 43:25
  Pearl: So she would, and if I took the kids out in the morning, then the house stays clean.
• 43:29
  Pearl: You take them out, you go out and it stays clean and your kids remember it, that walk more than anything, all the other stuff, I think.
• 43:39
  Liz: That's how I think it is with the gifts too.
• 43:40
  Liz: My kids are like.
• 43:41
  Liz: I really want that one gift.
• 43:43
  Liz: I really want to play with it all the time.
• 43:44
  Liz: They play with it inevitably for a couple days or maybe if a friend comes over, but it's not a couple years later.
• 43:54
  Liz: It's not really the toys that they remember, it's more of the moments.
• 43:57
  Liz: And we were talking about Thanksgiving and I was starting to plan the menu and I was shocked when my daughter said I really want that butternut squash like marshmallow dish that I guess I've made it the last couple years and in my mind I was like do you even eat that?
• 44:13
  Liz: Do you even like that?
• 44:15
  Liz: Really?
• 44:15
  Liz: That's the thing, but it stands out for her.
• 44:18
  Liz: So, even though it is very labor intensive, I'm my plan is to make it because it's something that feels meaningful for her and something she remembers more than like the gifts or not that we get gifts on Thanksgiving.
• 44:31
  Liz: But thinking forward to the upcoming holidays, I know they'll enjoy the gifts, but it's not really those kinds of things that create the lasting memories.
• 44:40
  Liz: Maybe the opening the gifts is the lasting memory, but it's not the actual object that they receive.
• 44:47
  Carrie: That's beautiful.
• 44:48
  Carrie: I love that.
• 44:49
  Carrie: So I think we're going to that's a perfect place to end is thinking about prioritizing, giving ourselves that minute taking our bathroom, spirituality minute, giving ourselves, lowering our expectations and not becoming scary Carrie on Thanksgiving morning or holiday morning.
• 45:07
  Carrie: So thank you so much for being here everybody.
• 45:10
  Carrie: Thank you, Thank you, thank you.
• 45:14
  Carrie: Well, that's a wrap.
• 45:15
  Carrie: Thanks so much for tuning in.
• 45:16
  Carrie: Changemakers.
• 45:17
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• 45:27
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• 45:36
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• 45:40
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• 45:43
  Carrie: Thanks so much for tuning in and happy life, happy times.
• 45:46
  Carrie: Changemaker families.