Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 58: Can My Partner Help Me Heal Or Am I On My Own?

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58: Can My Partner Help Me Heal Or Am I On My Own? · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

• 0:00
  Hey everybody. OK, So what if the person who
• 0:02
  hurt you could also help you heal?
• 0:05
  This is a super complicated question, but the answer isn't
• 0:09
  either or. So in this episode I actually
• 0:12
  recorded one with Alana for the Choose to Be podcast with Alana
• 0:15
  and Amy and I decided to pull it over into this podcast.
• 0:19
  So Alana and I are going to explore how partners can play a
• 0:23
  supportive role in the healing and why the ownership of your
• 0:28
  process is still essential. So we're going to go through
• 0:30
  that and it should be interesting because again, this.
• 0:33
  Episode was recorded for. The betrayed partner, the
• 0:36
  partner in healing. But for those of us who are the
• 0:39
  individuals seeking recovery, the betrayer, there can be a lot
• 0:42
  of really important Nuggets in here.
• 0:44
  And I always love the way that Alana tackles it.
• 0:47
  So we're going to break down the three powerful ways that
• 0:49
  partners can help. So whether it's listening
• 0:52
  without defensiveness, validating pain, or showing up
• 0:54
  with empathy, but while also naming the danger of giving away
• 0:59
  your power, we want to talk about that.
• 1:02
  So just again, it doesn't matter whether you're the one that's in
• 1:05
  healing or the you're the one that's hoping to help.
• 1:08
  Hoping this conversation can challenge and clarify and
• 1:12
  encourage you in the steps you need to take.
• 1:13
  Anyway, looking forward to jumping into it.
• 1:19
  Welcome to Beyond the Facade podcast.
• 1:21
  I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and I'm thrilled to have you join me
• 1:24
  in this space today. What we're going to be doing is
• 1:25
  diving deep into the trials and triumphs and truths of seeking
• 1:29
  authenticity. Becoming your true self isn't
• 1:32
  about a single action or a moment.
• 1:34
  It's a relentless pursuit, a commitment to self that reveals
• 1:37
  the rich connection and meaning. That our life has to offer.
• 1:40
  So whether this is your first time tuning in or you're a
• 1:43
  regular listener, know this. What you're building here goes
• 1:46
  beyond a conversation. You're here to challenge, to
• 1:49
  change, and to celebrate the incredible journey of becoming
• 1:52
  your authentic self. Because when you dare.
• 1:54
  To show up fully, the rewards are immeasurable.
• 1:57
  So welcome to Beyond The. Facade Let's get started.
• 2:01
  Hello and welcome to the Choose to Be podcast.
• 2:04
  You are in luck today because we have Luke joining us.
• 2:08
  Luke, I always love when you come and you and I get to record
• 2:11
  together because I like the balance between the two
• 2:14
  different perspectives. And I like how we can jump in
• 2:17
  between that. And with both of our podcasts, I
• 2:20
  know with my podcast, while it's focused on the partners healing,
• 2:24
  we get a lot of individuals seeking recovery listening
• 2:28
  because they want to understand more and understand deeper.
• 2:31
  And I know on your podcast you get the same thing.
• 2:33
  You have partners who have been injured who want to come here
• 2:37
  and listen. What does recovery look like?
• 2:40
  What does it sound like? What can I be expecting?
• 2:42
  So this is kind of fun when we get to bring our two podcasts
• 2:46
  together and our brains together and talk about a topic.
• 2:50
  So today's topic is one that even like my brains going a
• 2:56
  million different directions. I'll just say the title of it.
• 3:00
  Can my partner help me heal or am I on my own?
• 3:04
  This sometimes can be confusing in the recovery journey because
• 3:08
  we have you here these different classes or groups or courses on
• 3:12
  help her heal. And so there is this or like
• 3:17
  checklist of like, OK, here's all the things that the
• 3:20
  individual seeking recovery needs to do to help you heal.
• 3:24
  But then on the other hand, we hear of this like nobody can
• 3:27
  heal another person. You can't fix another person.
• 3:30
  You got to work, do your own individual work if you want the
• 3:33
  couple's work to do anything. And so sometimes it can feel
• 3:37
  confusing. And if this like push and pull
• 3:39
  of can they help me heal or can they not?
• 3:42
  Should I be expecting them to or should I not?
• 3:45
  And we kind of get pulled into this one or the other camp and
• 3:51
  we're going to look at some of those nuances today.
• 3:55
  Anything you want to throw in on that?
• 3:57
  I just got so interested in what you're saying.
• 3:59
  I'm like, what's next? That's amazing.
• 4:01
  I'm excited to have the conversation.
• 4:03
  Yeah. No, no, no, I do, I do.
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  I have just that part of knowing what you're responsible for the
• 4:08
  individual seeking recovery. Like, what am I responsible for
• 4:11
  here? And just validating the partner
• 4:13
  of he he broke this, so he should fix it, right?
• 4:17
  And that and he needs to clean up this mess.
• 4:20
  So understanding what we're responsible for and really
• 4:23
  matters. Yeah, yeah.
• 4:26
  Let's just cut to the chase right off Echo and let's just
• 4:30
  answer the simple question is can a a individual who has
• 4:36
  entered the partner help them heal?
• 4:40
  Yes, your partner can help you heal.
• 4:43
  OK, let's end the episode. OK?
• 4:46
  Like that was not helpful. So your partner can help you
• 4:50
  heal. All right.
• 4:51
  And then a little bit here in a minute, we're going to talk
• 4:53
  about ultimately the healing being your responsibility.
• 4:56
  OK. So I think somebody told me
• 4:58
  early on, like, Luke, you can't fix her, but you can definitely
• 5:01
  make it a lot worse. So I think that was good
• 5:04
  preliminary information for me of setting a fair expectation.
• 5:07
  But yeah, I like when you injure your partner, your emotional
• 5:12
  support, how you listen without being defensive, validating what
• 5:16
  they're experiencing, being able to show empathy and remorse
• 5:20
  consistently. That matters.
• 5:22
  If you're not doing that, there will be an outcome.
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  Wait, hold on a SEC. That I want to slow that down,
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  what you just said, because you just gave three things
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  emotionally that you said, yeah, if the person who's injured the
• 5:38
  other person can do these things like it matters, it helps.
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  And if they can't, it doesn't make healing impossible for the
• 5:48
  B trade partner, but it sure does slow things down and it
• 5:51
  sure does not create an environment where the
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  relationship can help. So can you say those 3 again?
• 5:56
  Because that was so good. Yeah.
• 5:58
  So you know that just three different things.
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  This is about emotional support. OK, So listening without being
• 6:04
  defensive, that's the first one I mentioned.
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  And being able to validate their experience, right?
• 6:10
  Validate your experience. And then being able to show
• 6:13
  empathy and remorse consistently.
• 6:15
  And what I want to highlight on is just exactly what you said,
• 6:18
  Alana, which is it was scary for me to watch because I think I
• 6:23
  know at the end of the day that my partner's going to be OK.
• 6:27
  It's just whether they're going to be OK with me or without me,
• 6:29
  right? And, and those three things are
• 6:32
  really important, that if I want to retain that relationship,
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  that there's something I can do, my own work to be able to do.
• 6:38
  Because, yeah, if you're in there in our world with a lot of
• 6:41
  defensiveness, not being able to validate her experiences, you
• 6:44
  lack empathy and you're being distracting for them to be able
• 6:48
  to get their healing. You can't slow it down.
• 6:52
  Well, yeah, it absolutely can. And the more that the B trade
• 6:56
  partner is wrapped in to meeting the other person to show up a
• 7:03
  certain way, the is the level at which it will slow down.
• 7:08
  So I'm going to speak here and be a little vulnerable.
• 7:12
  There were times where I so desperately wanted, needed,
• 7:18
  insisted that Luke show up in a certain way so I could heal.
• 7:23
  And when he did show up in those ways, like I would shoot for it
• 7:27
  in my healing. And guess what?
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  When he didn't, holy cow, I stalled out.
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  And that roller coaster ride that I was on, that was so if
• 7:39
  he's OK, I'm OK, If he's not OK, I'm not OK.
• 7:42
  That took me on such emotional whiplash.
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  And it took me a long time to really see how damaging and
• 7:51
  harming that was. And so we'll go into that later
• 7:55
  a little bit more of like me doing my own work and seeing
• 8:00
  that. But your ability and an
• 8:04
  individual seeking recovery's ability to be able to show up
• 8:08
  and create an environment where healing can happen better does
• 8:14
  impact the partner. I'm thinking or I'm remembering
• 8:19
  and maybe look, you don't want to go here, but you and I have
• 8:23
  had different seasons when when we've been in recovery for as
• 8:26
  long as we've been doing this in our own individual work and
• 8:30
  healing. We've had different seasons that
• 8:35
  were big. And two that are coming to mind
• 8:39
  is there was a period where you were all about being an
• 8:44
  emotionally safe person who was available to me to aid in my
• 8:49
  healing. And there was a period where you
• 8:52
  just absolutely could not do it. And when I think back to those
• 8:59
  two times, the times that you really were emotionally
• 9:06
  available, listening without defensiveness, validating my
• 9:11
  experience, you had empathy, while not perfectly, you could
• 9:16
  get there. And there was this like
• 9:21
  consistency and effort. Not maybe consistency and doing
• 9:26
  it right, but consistency and effort, the way that that
• 9:30
  impacted my healing really created an environment that
• 9:34
  allowed me to be able to come to you and let you be the one to
• 9:40
  hold me in my pain. And I could come to you and we
• 9:44
  could do healing together. I didn't have to be alone in it.
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  And so while there was a lot of individual work that I did it,
• 9:53
  there was really this beauty in being able to turn to you.
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  And I could even tell you, I want to hit you right now and I
• 10:01
  also want you to hold me and you could sit with me in that.
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  So there was this opportunity for the relationship to have so
• 10:08
  much healing and for my own attachment system that had been
• 10:12
  so injured, for you to be that attachment person that could be
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  there and I could turn to really did protect the relationship.
• 10:24
  Did that make our journey easy? Hell no.
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  Did we still have so many ups and downs and was it the hardest
• 10:32
  work, emotional work we'd ever done?
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  Absolutely. But we didn't have to be against
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  each other. The other period of time where
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  you could not hold my things and learn how to hold your own
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  stuff, it was almost like you were having the battle between
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  the two. I was left completely alone, and
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  our relationship withered more and more and more because of
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  that. Because I had to.
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  No, I couldn't turn to you to hold it because every time I
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  did, I was reinjured. Yeah.
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  Every time that I wanted to have you comfort me, I would come
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  over and get smacked on the hand or cut with a knife.
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  Yeah. And so eventually I stopped
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  going to you because I realized that that was harming more than
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  it was helping. So notice the difference in
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  either of those situations. You couldn't fix me, but it sure
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  made a difference on the relationship and our ability to
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  heal together. And one did aid in my healing.
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  The other one did not. So I had to go find that from
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  other places and other people. Yeah, and I don't know.
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  I don't know if this is like trying to put lipstick on a on a
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  pig. Weird analogy, weird way to say
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  it, I know. But they got the first go around
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  with this when you know, you could frankly throw most things
• 12:02
  at me and I would be able to just be present with those.
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  Was not the second experience of later on in recovery or later on
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  in the journey, I should say, of not being able to hold your
• 12:14
  stuff. And it was perception of myself
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  of of how I was dealing with my own deficiencies and weaknesses
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  and mistakes. And this is where I say lipstick
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  on a pig. Is this not trying to make the
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  second one different. But the opportunity that exists
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  for a partner that I watched you be able to do Alana, was gain a
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  relationship with yourself that I've just been blown away with
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  that you got because I wasn't there.
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  And I guess the only reason I'm saying that is I want partners
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  to know the healing that happens without your partner and with
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  your partner. But yeah, it's interesting
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  because you're saying that and I think it was more obvious the
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  healing later, but both in both experiences, I really was able
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  to as an individual grow and heal.
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  And and I think this is where, and I'm not going to quite jump
• 13:12
  ahead to this yet, but I think this is where the and really is
• 13:15
  going to come into places we often think in ORS, right?
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  Either I have to heal on my own or my partner helps me heal.
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  It's not an or, it's an and. And so I think this is where the
• 13:30
  and comes in as like, yeah, you really could help me heal.
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  And that by itself would never be enough.
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  I have my own individual work that's essential to do.
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  And so both of these things have to stay here side by side.
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  And, and I want to build on this is we're not talking just about
• 13:53
  emotional support like those things that we mentioned huge.
• 13:58
  The emotional support is huge, but that has to be a paired with
• 14:02
  accountability and transparency in Word and action because we
• 14:07
  don't have that accountability piece, that transparency piece.
• 14:11
  The emotional support can only go so far.
• 14:14
  OK, so let's let's have everybody visualize that in your
• 14:16
  mind. So if we're talking about the
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  yes, your partner can't help you mill emotional support and along
• 14:21
  it. Yeah, accountability.
• 14:23
  And the part that I wanted to highlight here with the
• 14:26
  accountability is you and I had dialogue before with this one
• 14:29
  before we started to hit the record button, which was who are
• 14:32
  we accountable towards? And I think about accountability
• 14:35
  existing where there's transparency and honesty and but
• 14:39
  it's also not in a parent child relationship where he's doing it
• 14:44
  to satisfy her. He's doing it to be transparent
• 14:48
  and accountable to himself in front of her on his own plan,
• 14:52
  right. And I just feel like this goes
• 14:54
  sideways and it's not even seen so often when we talk about
• 14:58
  accountability, it's with self. It's not the partner, but it has
• 15:01
  to be done in front of partner if you want to be in a
• 15:03
  relationship with them. So and that that will remove the
• 15:07
  that can be problematic parent child experience that neither
• 15:11
  person wants. Yeah, I thank you for saying
• 15:15
  that because when we get into the checklist of you have to do
• 15:19
  this and this and this and this to create safety for me.
• 15:23
  And and I get, I get why we do it.
• 15:25
  But when we start setting up those dynamics and we get the
• 15:29
  parent child relationship, it becomes really problematic.
• 15:33
  And where my brain is going is a woman going, OK, wait.
• 15:37
  But there are things I need for my safety.
• 15:40
  And I, and yes, I think it's really important that you get
• 15:43
  clear with what those are. And the person seeking recovery,
• 15:48
  they need to go. I want to create safety for my
• 15:52
  partner. Here's the list that they need
• 15:54
  for their safety. Here is my own value systems.
• 15:58
  And here's why I'm going to create that safety for them
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  because this already aligns with my values and this is what I
• 16:04
  want to offer them. Not like we can be doing the
• 16:08
  same thing in action, but one comes with the energy of I'm a
• 16:13
  bad boy and I have to do all these things just so she's
• 16:16
  happy. Or I am an empowered man who is
• 16:20
  seeking recovery. And I want my partner to feel
• 16:24
  safe. I want to protect them in ways
• 16:26
  that I've never protected them before.
• 16:28
  And this is what it looks like as I step into that power, and
• 16:32
  I'm totally generalizing here, but I step into that power, I
• 16:35
  step into that healthy masculinity, I step into that
• 16:38
  protector who's going to protect myself so I can protect my
• 16:42
  partner. Notice what a different energy
• 16:46
  that is. Yeah, I felt that every part of
• 16:49
  my body tingled like that, was beautifully said.
• 16:53
  And it's it's so comes from within, right?
• 16:56
  It so comes from within. It doesn't come from outside.
• 17:00
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  and strength, visit the show notes to learn more.
• 18:06
  And to register OK. And now, back to the episode.
• 18:12
  So the other piece here is that if we're talking about yes, your
• 18:15
  partner can heal you is the Co regulation and presence part.
• 18:18
  We talked about being emotionally available during
• 18:21
  those triggers and those hard days.
• 18:23
  That's going to be a part of this.
• 18:25
  This isn't about not being defensive, but it is about being
• 18:28
  present, like being there and asking questions, getting
• 18:32
  curious, seeking to understand and on not fixing so that that
• 18:37
  experience and Co regulation. The only thing I ever think
• 18:39
  about is, Oh my gosh, just like I have this opportunity.
• 18:47
  It's sad that this situation exists, but this beautiful
• 18:51
  opportunity I have is the person that I hurt, who's in pain
• 18:55
  emotionally and all the other ways psychologically, I get a
• 18:59
  chance to show up and be with them and their body's going to
• 19:03
  respond to that. Their body's going to respond to
• 19:05
  that. And that's that's an opportunity
• 19:07
  for me. Sit with him in that fire.
• 19:10
  Yeah, to validate, to sit with them and to not fix.
• 19:14
  And it is the default of humans to want to step in and fix where
• 19:20
  they feel like they might be able to.
• 19:22
  And so it's really about just catching yourself when you're
• 19:26
  trying to fix. And again, no fix, no change.
• 19:32
  You're just sitting with and hearing.
• 19:34
  You're not changing their experience.
• 19:36
  You're hearing and listening to it and honoring it.
• 19:40
  But think about that concept y'all like think about it when
• 19:44
  you sit with your I want to cry when you sit with your partner
• 19:47
  and you don't fix. I'm talking about the individual
• 19:51
  seeking recovery towards the betrayed partner, the partner in
• 19:54
  healing. When you sit when your partner
• 19:57
  not fix what you share with. Them.
• 19:59
  Without saying it is I trust you that you are capable of working
• 20:05
  through this like and being with them, right?
• 20:06
  And that's what they're trying to reestablish them inside
• 20:09
  themselves is trust, trust for self.
• 20:12
  So if you fix that, you're basically telling them that they
• 20:15
  can't do it on their own. Right, that's not OK.
• 20:20
  There is feeling in that with you, yeah.
• 20:22
  Yeah, it's because. I think I have.
• 20:24
  Information that will help my partner and I think I have
• 20:28
  enough experiences that probably need more work around to think
• 20:32
  that I have some knowledge of how she needs to show up
• 20:34
  compared to how she actually I want to fix it right, not my job
• 20:40
  and. Not only is it not your job,
• 20:42
  your job is to not fix it because you can't.
• 20:49
  You can't, you shouldn't. But the best way you can aid in
• 20:54
  their healing is by sitting with them and hearing them and not
• 20:59
  challenging their experience, not trying to make them see it
• 21:01
  different. Because that's a type of fixing,
• 21:04
  right? Just hearing them and honoring
• 21:07
  what they are experiencing. What they're experiencing.
• 21:12
  OK, so now we get to get to the and part, which we kind of got a
• 21:14
  little bit, but you know, healing is ultimately each
• 21:19
  person's responsibility. So let me give, let's give a
• 21:21
  couple pieces of this. So the danger here isn't it and
• 21:25
  what we'll call externalizing power.
• 21:28
  So if you're if you're healing depends on your partner's
• 21:32
  actions, either one. If they would just.
• 21:35
  Yeah, if they would just do this, Yeah, actually expound on
• 21:40
  that, will you? Oh, well, the amount of times
• 21:43
  that I would say, like I've said this myself, but I hear my
• 21:45
  partner say all the time, well, if they would just do this or if
• 21:49
  they would stop doing this, then I would be OK.
• 21:52
  That shows every time we have one of those thoughts, we are
• 21:55
  giving our power to that other person.
• 21:58
  We have now externalized it, which means we've taken it from
• 22:01
  internally our power, from internally with us, and we put
• 22:05
  it in the hands of somebody else, which creates that roller
• 22:09
  coaster that I talked about earlier.
• 22:11
  When they do well, you're OK. When they mess up, you unravel
• 22:17
  because they are holding the power, not us.
• 22:21
  There's a difference between giving away our power to
• 22:23
  somebody else and maintaining our power and understanding that
• 22:29
  we're being impacted, but we retain the power.
• 22:33
  This person can choose ABC and D and while that impacts me, I
• 22:39
  still am ready to make choices for myself and I can be OK
• 22:43
  despite what they do or don't do because that power is internal
• 22:47
  versus them holding it. And you know, I think it's easy
• 22:50
  to think about it from a partner and healing perspective of man.
• 22:53
  If he'd, if he would do that intensive, if he would do that
• 22:57
  group, if he would do this, you know, then what would that do?
• 23:01
  And I think about, well, let's talk about for the individual
• 23:04
  seeking recovery, the same thing is done.
• 23:06
  If she was kinder, you know, if she noticed the work that I'm
• 23:09
  doing, like if all this stuff, then and then man, it would be
• 23:13
  different. We don't want to externalize
• 23:15
  that power. No, right.
• 23:17
  Because you think about that and for an individual seeking
• 23:21
  recovery, if they're waiting for their partner to be nice or
• 23:25
  accept it for them to do their work, like think about that.
• 23:29
  Think how much for growth and progress they are losing by
• 23:34
  waiting for another person to do certain things for them to be
• 23:36
  able to take action, right? So hopefully you can see it for
• 23:41
  the other person in a way that helps you better see for
• 23:45
  yourself where you are empowered and where you might actually be
• 23:49
  giving your power away. I'll just tell you, this has
• 23:53
  been one of my big weaknesses in my life is giving my power away
• 24:00
  but then telling myself that I wasn't.
• 24:03
  And being able to get clear with myself in the ways that I am
• 24:07
  empowered and get clear with myself in the ways that I was
• 24:10
  giving my power away has been really, really game changing in
• 24:14
  my own healing journey. And I still have stuff come up
• 24:20
  so annoying. So annoying.
• 24:24
  Yeah. You know, and the other one with
• 24:27
  this one is the individual seeking recovery.
• 24:31
  This is just so much discomfort in all of this because I get so
• 24:35
  mad that the partner in healing, the betrayed partner won't give
• 24:40
  validation to me. And I'm so frustrated that she's
• 24:42
  not more empathetic towards what I'm stuff is.
• 24:45
  So I want her in that role. I want her in that role of
• 24:48
  giving me credit, but then I don't want her in that role.
• 24:51
  Like you don't don't don't weigh in on how I'm doing stuff.
• 24:54
  So it's just it's when we don't externalize power to change the
• 24:58
  law. What you just explained is an
• 25:01
  impossible situation for a partner, right?
• 25:04
  Because they could do no right. So that's why it's so important
• 25:10
  that individual seeking recovery is not putting those things and
• 25:14
  their partner to do or not do. There was a couple other years
• 25:18
  that were listed. There's this other part which is
• 25:20
  empowering self agency. So it's recognizing like I can
• 25:24
  heal even if my partner doesn't change.
• 25:28
  I'm not dependent on them. That's such an empowering thing.
• 25:31
  But it's it's scary concept because it's new, it's
• 25:34
  different. Who knows what that what that
• 25:36
  looks like. But yeah, but that's our
• 25:37
  responsibility. And that goes both ways, right?
• 25:42
  Both of you can heal even if your partner chooses to stop
• 25:46
  doing their own work. Healing is not dependent on the
• 25:49
  other person. Think it's cool watching.
• 25:54
  I know you don't like to talk about you a lot along them, but
• 25:56
  I'm going to take a moment and you can always edit this out if
• 25:58
  you don't like it. It's your podcast.
• 25:59
  But watching you lean into a lot of discomfort of letting, oh
• 26:06
  wow, a lot of emotion today of letting go, whether or whether I
• 26:11
  would heal or not, right? Letting go of that and going
• 26:16
  that this is this is mine. I get the I get this healing and
• 26:20
  I'm, I'm not stopping and I'm changing these patterns.
• 26:22
  I'm disrupting them. I'm not waiting on my partner.
• 26:24
  And watching you have that be really, really scary for you.
• 26:28
  But then also watching you have come to a level of peace and
• 26:31
  calm in that of being able to not just do it from a place of,
• 26:36
  well, that's healthy and it scares me, but also noticing you
• 26:39
  being from my observations, have a lot of clarity around now.
• 26:44
  So yeah. Yeah, it's interesting because I
• 26:47
  care deeply about you, and I wish all the best for you and
• 26:52
  your healing. And I hope that you get every
• 26:56
  ounce of healing that you desire for you, for our kids.
• 27:00
  But I've let go of meeting you to show up in the way that I
• 27:06
  want you to show up. I am giving you the
• 27:10
  responsibility for your own healing.
• 27:12
  And that was a whole nother deeper level of healing that
• 27:16
  both of us were ready to take. Yeah, it took a while to get
• 27:20
  there. Yeah, and it was.
• 27:21
  That was hard. Ugly.
• 27:24
  Ugly as in emotions that I was uncomfortable with?
• 27:27
  Oh, both of us floundered in it. Yeah, well, it's not.
• 27:31
  You were used to doing it all for me and I was used to having
• 27:35
  you do it all for me. And so it was.
• 27:37
  It was a leap of faith for both of us.
• 27:40
  Yeah, big one and self right. We're still caring about the
• 27:43
  partner deeply, not acting like we didn't.
• 27:46
  Not that we would do that. OK, there's this other one,
• 27:48
  which is kind of the same thing, but I love the verbiage around
• 27:51
  it. Radical ownership of your
• 27:52
  process. Radical ownership of your
• 27:55
  process, Therapy, boundaries, self connection, spiritual work,
• 27:59
  whatever it might be that this is mine.
• 28:02
  This is my process. I, I, I value me.
• 28:05
  And this isn't about somebody else.
• 28:07
  And I think radical is the right word because that's what it
• 28:11
  feels like to break a pattern. That's what it feels like to do
• 28:13
  something different. It feels so intense.
• 28:16
  I had a session recently and the client was talking about having
• 28:21
  these boundaries and the boundaries were breaking
• 28:24
  patterns of self sacrificing for everyone else in the family and
• 28:28
  everyone around them. And we talked about this, like
• 28:32
  owning the boundaries. Like it's one thing to be like,
• 28:36
  yeah, this is what I'm going to do.
• 28:39
  But like, no, you get to own this.
• 28:42
  And I love that, that radical ownership, this boundary is for
• 28:47
  me and it is absolutely OK. And you get to choose whether to
• 28:52
  come in my world and be around me and honor that, or you choose
• 28:56
  not to. But this doesn't change that.
• 28:58
  This is only what I'm going to accept now.
• 29:01
  Absolutely. With this, that empowering self
• 29:04
  agency, such a beautiful term. What this really comes down to
• 29:08
  when we're talking about the and is we're not asking your partner
• 29:12
  to carry you, but we're also not asking you to walk alone through
• 29:17
  this desert. There is this beautiful and of
• 29:21
  where, and it's like where they'll talk about like sides of
• 29:24
  the street, right? He's got his side, she's got his
• 29:27
  side. They each have their own side of
• 29:29
  the street. No, we're talking about this
• 29:31
  middle ground where you get to walk side by side.
• 29:34
  They're not carrying you, they're not limping and you're
• 29:37
  dragging them along. But each person is learning how
• 29:41
  to be interdependent where they can stand on their own 2 feet
• 29:44
  and we can walk side by side from each other.
• 29:48
  And so it moves from I'm not trying to save you, but instead
• 29:54
  I'm here to help you. I'm here to walk by you.
• 29:57
  I'm here to create an environment that aids in your
• 30:00
  healing. And you as AB trade partner are
• 30:05
  ultimately responsible for your own healing.
• 30:08
  You didn't ask for this to happen, but responsibility of
• 30:12
  healing is yours, and that person who's hurt has
• 30:19
  responsibility and accountability for their own
• 30:22
  work and the impact they have. So I know that it's complicated,
• 30:28
  it's nuanced. It takes a level of trust to be
• 30:34
  able to aid in healing and to walk side by side.
• 30:37
  So there may be elements in your relationship that are missing
• 30:40
  that you're not here yet, that comes in that individual work.
• 30:45
  And so we encourage you to take it one step at a time, a great
• 30:49
  thing. I'll just give really quick.
• 30:50
  We do have the Men's Helper Heal intensive coming up next month
• 30:55
  in July. This could be something where
• 30:57
  you can dive really deep and learning how to do this.
• 31:00
  And we also do offer for those who want to even go a step
• 31:04
  further than that, you can do all of this work in an
• 31:07
  individual intensive, a couples intensive or come to the Men's
• 31:12
  Helper Heal. And for partners who do want to
• 31:15
  come and have some individualized help for the last
• 31:18
  two days, we invite partners. You can add on through that and
• 31:23
  all of that searches recovery services.com.
• 31:26
  But can I? Speak to Alona.
• 31:28
  Please. Yeah.
• 31:30
  OK, so we went through all of this information, right?
• 31:32
  And the last thing we'll want to do is leave you with like, hey,
• 31:34
  this is the work that needs to be done with how do I do that?
• 31:37
  Right? So there's a big sacrifice.
• 31:40
  And the thing I want to highlight is the helper heal
• 31:43
  intensive is designed for this work.
• 31:45
  OK, everything that we're talking about here.
• 31:47
  But the thing that's new is we added on an experience at the
• 31:51
  end of that intensive where the helper heals designed for men
• 31:54
  who betrayed their partner. But now we're inviting them to
• 31:57
  use the tools and practice them by inviting their partner if it
• 32:01
  makes sense for them to have their partner come in for the
• 32:04
  last two days. And then we're going to practice
• 32:06
  what was used and we're going to use it because we don't want to
• 32:08
  give you the information. And we'll say this like we do
• 32:11
  many times. We're not saying choose recovery
• 32:13
  services the only place for the information or we are the place,
• 32:15
  but we do want to make sure we give you resources.
• 32:18
  So anyway, just want to mention that.
• 32:20
  Yeah, and there are other helper heal groups out there.
• 32:23
  We take the foundation of the helper heal and then we add
• 32:26
  steroids to it. We foundationally think it's
• 32:29
  wonderful and we add a whole lot more of deeper emotional
• 32:32
  intelligence work that builds on it so.
• 32:36
  Excellent. As always, thank you for hanging
• 32:39
  out with us this week and we look forward to seeing you all
• 32:42
  next week. Thank you.
• 32:45
  Catch you later. Hey friends, it's Hallie
• 32:47
  Roderick here and I wanted to personally invite you to an
• 32:50
  incredible opportunity coming up this summer.
• 32:53
  From July 8th to 11th, Luke Gordon and I will be Co
• 32:56
  facilitating a help her heal intensive for men in Spanish
• 32:59
  Fork, UT. And if you're a man who's
• 33:01
  serious about rebuilding trust, creating emotional safety and
• 33:04
  doing the deep work of repair after betrayal, this space is
• 33:08
  created specifically for you. This four day intensive is not a
• 33:11
  lecture series. It's a deeply experiential
• 33:14
  process designed to help you feel the shift, not just
• 33:18
  understand it intellectually. Together, we'll explore powerful
• 33:22
  tools and practices to help you develop real empathy, shame,
• 33:25
  resiliency, and a clear understanding of the trail
• 33:28
  trauma so you can begin to show up as a safe, trustworthy
• 33:31
  partner again. You'll also have the opportunity
• 33:34
  to connect with other men who are on the same path, men also
• 33:38
  committed to gross their integrity, doing the hard work
• 33:42
  and the beautiful work of relationship repair.
• 33:45
  So whether you're just beginning this process or you're well on
• 33:47
  your way, this intensive can be a powerful next step in your
• 33:51
  journey towards healing. So if you're ready to move
• 33:53
  forward, we'd love to have you join us.
• 33:56
  So to learn more or to reserve your spot, check out the show
• 34:00
  notes where you'll find a link to reach out to our office.
• 34:03
  So let's do this work together. Hope to see you in Utah.
• 34:08
  Hey, thanks for joining us today.
• 34:09
  If this is something. That you connected with.
• 34:11
  I'd love to meet with. You more and talk about it.
• 34:14
  So what you can do is go to chooserecoveryservices.com or
• 34:17
  check the show notes and there what we can do is set up a quick
• 34:20
  conversation. Meet thanks so much for.
• 34:22
  Listening to beyond the facade where we.
• 34:24
  Unmask the authentic itself.