Latest / No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women / Boundaries Are About What You Want, Not What You Don't

Transcript

Boundaries Are About What You Want, Not What You Don't · No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: I want to talk a little bit about boundaries.
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: Welcome to a mini episode of no Shrinking Violence.
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: So boundaries has become one of the buzzwords lately and there's a lot of misunderstanding about boundaries.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: I think some people might think that they are impermeable, that you make a boundary and it never moves and if you're strong, you will stick to it.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: Sometimes that's very important.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: It's very important if there's somebody in your life that is really impactful in an unhealthy way.
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: Toxic is overused, but I'm going to use the word toxic.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: Sometimes you have to have a hard boundary, and sometimes that is to protect someone that can't protect themselves, like a child.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: I think, however, it's pretty unusual to have a boundary that is impermeable.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: Boundaries are typically flexible.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: They might change day to day, but they are built around what you want in your life.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: So, if you think about a boundary as a way of determining what you want instead of what you don't want because I think we often think in life oh, I wish I didn't have this person, or I wish that everything was different with this person, or I wish this relationship felt more equal when you have a situation in your life that you don't like, I'm going to challenge you to reframe it based on what you do want.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: So if you want a relationship that feels more equal and I'm going to warn you, relationships are never 100% equal but if you want a relationship that feels more equal, there will be things where you need to change your behavior.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: If you tend to be the one that always reaches out to schedule something, or you might be more forgiving of someone changing plans on you, they're going to keep doing it, so you might have to make that boundary.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: If you care about getting to places on time, if you have somebody in your life who is usually late, you might need to say I want to be there at this time.
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: So if you're not at my house by a certain time, I'm going to need to leave.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: You don't need to be mean about it, but you need to be firm about it.
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: Now, does that mean that anytime somebody is late, you make a boundary with them?
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: No, and I think that is what is so hard for people about boundaries that when it's just a behavior that makes you feel like kind of like squirmy, or it hurts your feelings, that's just a clue that you're not getting something that you want.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: So maybe at work we'll say, in a work situation.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: Maybe you want to be in a situation where you get more acknowledgement of something that you've done.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: That doesn't necessarily mean you go to your boss and you say I want you to acknowledge what I do.
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: It might mean that you no longer quote volunteer to help co-workers when it impacts your own work, and that's something called invisible labor, which I've talked about in past episodes.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: Just, you know, scroll back through and it's near the beginning.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: It's in probably one of my first I don't know eight or nine episodes where I talk about invisible labor.
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: So making a boundary is based on what you want in your life.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: They are typically permeable and you might have to reassess.
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: You also don't have to declare it, because I think sometimes, when we declare our boundary, what we really want is that person to say oh, I'll change, you don't need to declare it.
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: Most of the time you create a boundary with your actions.
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: There have been times where I've had clients who have to, and this is with parents or siblings or situations where these people are related, and so there's a lot of other emotion that goes along with that.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: But you might need to say to someone if you do X, I'm going to do Y.
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: So, for instance, if you start ranting to me on the phone, I'm going to need to end the conversation and again, not one strike and you're out.
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: We're talking about behaviors that continually leave you feeling uncertain or unhappy or just not okay.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: So you know there needs to be a change.
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: So most of the time it's going to be.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: You declare the boundary, just with your behavior.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: You lean back from that situation.
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: But we teach people how to treat us.
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: So take a good look at your own behavior, and if you are saying one thing like I'm not gonna tolerate this anymore, but you're doing the opposite, where you continue to give somebody a pass, then you might need to kind of look a little bit deeper and try to recognize what keeps you in that pattern.
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: And if truly you want your life to feel different, that's a place where you create a boundary.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: Thanks for listening today and until next time, go out into the world and be the amazing, resilient, vibrant violet that you are.