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How Do You Engage in Healthy Conflict? · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Hi there and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way, whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Just want to say thank you for taking some time out of your day to spend here with me on this episode of the podcast.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: And today I want to talk a little bit more about conflict.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: So oftentimes in my coaching sessions, something that comes up routinely is the desire to avoid conflict.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: As a people pleaser myself, I know that partially when my people pleaser part pops up, it's because she doesn't want to engage in conflict.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so she gets activated in order to make sure the other person is okay in an effort to avoid conflict because conflict seems scary.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's there's old, we all have our stories around conflict.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so oftentimes when I'm talking to my clients about this, they'll start to recognize and acknowledge what their fear is around conflict.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the things that we routinely talk about is that conflict does not need to mean something bad, but instead growth can happen through conflict.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know, when when we constantly avoid conflict, we are actually potentially avoiding the potentially avoiding the growth that could happen in a relationship.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: So how can we maybe start moving towards, and I don't mean to say get into conflict in every conversation you have, but instead of running away from conflict, how can we maybe engage in healthy conflict?
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  SPEAKER_00: Because the truth is we can't always avoid it.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: One of the things that we can try to do is really try to actively listen to the other person.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: So in any relationship, in terms of communication, it's important that we allow the other person to speak and to engage in a process of actively listening to them instead of listening, instead of hearing them, but being but getting caught up in what you're going to say next.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: So when we're talking about active listening, it's when one person is talking, the other person is actually paying attention to what their counterpart is saying.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, allowing the words to hit you and to digest them before choosing how you're going to respond.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: So often what happens in conflict is that we're so ingrained in what we want to say that we don't fully engage in hearing what the other person is saying and we're not present in the conversation because we're so wanting to prove our point.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: We're so wanting to get out what we want to say.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Another key element to healthy communication, especially when we're talking about conflict, is using I statements instead of you statements.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Your parents may have taught you to think before you speak when you were younger and to pay attention to your word choices.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Also, in those word choices, paying attention to choosing the word I rather than the word you.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Because as soon as we use you, it puts the other person on defense.
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  SPEAKER_00: And when they go into defense mode, they start to shut down because they're in their own fight or flight at that point.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: And so they want to defend themselves.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so the ability to actively listen goes way down because they just want to be able to defend themselves and to make sure that they're not seen as the bad person or that they're they're being blamed.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Also, when we're talking about conflict, approaching it with this idea that there's not a winner and a loser, but that when we're in conflict with somebody, we are approaching this conversation with the idea that both sides should feel heard.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Both sides should be able to come out of the conversation feeling like they were heard and understood, and that when we are, when we come out of the discussion, whatever agreement was reached was reached with some type of mutual respect for one another, mutual understanding of where the other person was coming from, rather than I won and you lost, because that makes it it makes it more um adversarial rather than, hey, we're in this relationship together.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: So let's try to negotiate this thing together.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's also really important that when you are speaking, that you are speaking from a very connected place of yourself rather than from your emotions speaking.
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  SPEAKER_00: What I mean by that is that when we are feeling charged, emotionally charged, it's not a great opportunity to have those conversations with somebody.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: But instead, because what happens is we're making choices from that emotionally charged place, we're conversing from that emotionally charged place, and instead it's important to say, I need to take a timeout, I need to regroup, I need to think about what I want to say.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: I also need to regulate my nervous system because sometimes when we allow our emotions to do the talking, we're going to maybe say something that we might regret later.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's important to give yourself permission to slow it down.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: I I've said this before in other conversations, but I relate this a lot to anxiety.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: We have a choice to let the anxiety make a decision for us, or we can recognize that we are overly anxious and we need to calm our nervous system down first.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Once we're calmed down, then we can make a decision.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: The same thing happens in conversations with people.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: When we're engaging in a c conflict with somebody else, when we notice that our emotions are becoming more and more charged, it's important to give ourselves space to focus and work through that and then be able to continue the conversation with somebody else because otherwise we're allowing our emotions to do the talking instead of our mind and also uh doing the talking from a place of what actually we're trying to communicate with the other person.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: And then the other part about recognizing that if there's a pattern with somebody that you're continually coming into conflict with and it doesn't seem like you're getting the resolution you need, it's important to be able to say, you know what, we might need some help with this.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: We might need to be able to work with somebody to help us understand how to communicate in a healthier way.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't mean that both of you need to go together sometimes.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: You might notice yourself, recognize, like, I need to work on communication.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: I need to work on presencing for myself first, what it is that I'm experiencing and how I'm feeling, and then learning how to communicate that with more I statements rather than you statements.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: And working on your own communication skills can be a real help in order to be able to communicate with people in your life, whether it be in the workplace, in your family relationships, friendships, romantic relationships, even as a parent to a child.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: If you are looking for help on learning about different ways to communicate and want to find out how coaching could help with that, definitely feel free to reach out to me at any time at coachwithcomedy.com.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: And until next time, stay well.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: Username it's authentic me.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening.