Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 416. Narcissistic parents and in-laws. How to spot them and deal with them (E)

Transcript

416. Narcissistic parents and in-laws. How to spot them and deal with them (E) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:11
Speaker 1: Welcome everyone, Welcome to today's episode My Beautiful Beings. Today's
0:16
Speaker 1: episode is one of Probably it sounds weird that I
0:21
Speaker 1: say it's one of my favorite topics to talk about,
0:23
Speaker 1: but I love to talk about narcissists. I fucking love it.
0:28
Speaker 1: And the reason I love it is because the more people,
0:33
Speaker 1: the more people out there that understand what a narcissist is,
0:36
Speaker 1: what their behaviors are, how to detect it, and how
0:38
Speaker 1: to deal with it, the better off everyone else is.
0:41
Speaker 1: Because the narcissists, while their lives might not change or
0:44
Speaker 1: be altered much by what I say, everyone else who
0:46
Speaker 1: has to deal with them can feel a lot more
0:49
Speaker 1: at peace and know what to do how to keep
0:52
Speaker 1: people at arm's length. It's just, you know, if you
0:54
Speaker 1: have a narcissist in your life, it's extremely intense. It
0:58
Speaker 1: is like a what do you call it, Like a
1:00
Speaker 1: soul vampire. It just drains you of all your happiness
1:05
Speaker 1: and joy. So we're going to talk about how to
1:07
Speaker 1: deal with specifically narcissistic parents and parents in law, in
1:15
Speaker 1: laws in general. Okay, And the reason I've decided this
1:17
Speaker 1: topic of parents and in laws is because of you guys.
1:20
Speaker 1: You guys have sent me so many DMS emails. The
1:24
Speaker 1: Facebook group has gone off about this many many times,
1:27
Speaker 1: about dealing with parents who are narcissists and the fact
1:30
Speaker 1: that they're stuck in your life, the fact that your
1:32
Speaker 1: blood related, or equally as frustrating when you've got an
1:35
Speaker 1: amazing relationship with your partner but their parents are fucking narcissists.
1:39
Speaker 1: And I'm going to be tackling if your partner can
1:42
Speaker 1: see it, and even if your partner can't see it,
1:44
Speaker 1: and how to tackle it from that angle, like where
1:47
Speaker 1: your partner thinks that they're all well and good and
1:49
Speaker 1: you're like, oh my god, red flags. So that's what
1:52
Speaker 1: we're going to talk about. Now. I don't really have
1:54
Speaker 1: a brain factor today because I am going to be
1:56
Speaker 1: going into what narcissistic personnel disorder is an overview because
2:02
Speaker 1: I've done it like probably two years ago, if not longer,
2:05
Speaker 1: and there's a lot of new listeners that have come
2:07
Speaker 1: through since then who may or may not have stumbled
2:09
Speaker 1: across that episode. So we're going to be like, what
2:11
Speaker 1: is a fucking narcissist? And then I'm going to be
2:13
Speaker 1: talking about what is the difference between an overt narcissist
2:17
Speaker 1: which is like what most people think of when you
2:19
Speaker 1: think of narcissist, and what is a covert narcissist. I'm
2:23
Speaker 1: going to look at the differences. I'm going to talk
2:26
Speaker 1: about how it affects your relationships, and then how to
2:28
Speaker 1: deal with people. Part two of the episode is how
2:30
Speaker 1: to deal with people who are narcissists. Okay, So the
2:34
Speaker 1: first things first, let's talk about what a narcissist is.
2:39
Speaker 1: Going by the DSM five, okay, and the DSM five
2:44
Speaker 1: describes narcissistic personality disorder NPD as the following a pervasive
2:50
Speaker 1: pattern of grandiosity in fantasy or behavior, need for admiration,
2:55
Speaker 1: lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood, and present in
2:59
Speaker 1: a variety of as indicated by five or more of
3:03
Speaker 1: the following. There's nine points coming up. Number one has
3:07
Speaker 1: a grandiose sense of self importance, so, in other words,
3:11
Speaker 1: exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior
3:17
Speaker 1: without having the proportionate achievements. So they will expect, they
3:24
Speaker 1: will want to hang around people that have all these
3:26
Speaker 1: crazy achievements and expect to be treated the same way
3:28
Speaker 1: even though they haven't achieved those same things relative to
3:31
Speaker 1: the scenario. Number two is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty,
3:38
Speaker 1: or ideal love. Number three believes that they are special
3:43
Speaker 1: and unique and can only be understood by or only
3:47
Speaker 1: should associate with, other high status people. Number four requires
3:52
Speaker 1: excessive admiration. Number five has a sense of entitlement i e.
3:57
Speaker 1: Unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment compared to other people. Number
4:02
Speaker 1: six is interpersonally exploitative. In other words, they take advantage
4:07
Speaker 1: of other people to achieve their own ends. Number seven
4:12
Speaker 1: lack of empathy, unwilling to recognize or identify with feelings
4:16
Speaker 1: and needs of others. Number eight is often envious of
4:20
Speaker 1: others or believes that others are envious of them. And lastly,
4:25
Speaker 1: number nine shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes. So there's
4:30
Speaker 1: nine points here, and to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder,
4:34
Speaker 1: you only need to have five or more, but a
4:37
Speaker 1: minimum of five of those points. Okay, So if you
4:41
Speaker 1: need to go listen to them again and be like,
4:42
Speaker 1: I know anyone who might fall into this category. Now,
4:45
Speaker 1: like I said, there's two types. There's the overt narcissist,
4:48
Speaker 1: which is the grandiose, stereotypical narcissist. They're allowed whatever. And
4:52
Speaker 1: then there's the covert, which is more fragile. They're really
4:57
Speaker 1: aware of other people. They kind of fly under the
5:00
Speaker 1: and normally the covert one is harder to detect, or
5:05
Speaker 1: it takes you longer to detect. And as the word suggests,
5:07
Speaker 1: overt is out in the open the behaviors that are
5:10
Speaker 1: easy to see, and covert is just not as obvious,
5:12
Speaker 1: harder to detect. They are just as bad as each other.
5:15
Speaker 1: A covert narcissist isn't kinder or nicer. They just go
5:19
Speaker 1: about it in a slightly different way than an overt narcissist.
5:23
Speaker 1: But the effects you being with someone who is a narcissist,
5:27
Speaker 1: whether it's covert or overt, is just as bad. The
5:30
Speaker 1: manipulation is just as bad, the pain is just as bad,
5:33
Speaker 1: the emotional abuse is just as bad. Okay, Now, covert
5:38
Speaker 1: narcissism is a subtype of narcissistic personality disorder. They don't
5:42
Speaker 1: display these grandiose behaviors or blatant attention seeking behaviors, and
5:49
Speaker 1: that is why it's not as easy to detect. They
5:52
Speaker 1: still have a grandiose sense of self, but they're not
5:56
Speaker 1: showing it or they're not displaying it. Okay, so still
6:00
Speaker 1: think they're better than other people. They still think that
6:02
Speaker 1: they deserve better treatment. They still think that they're above
6:04
Speaker 1: other people. I'm above that person. I don't have to
6:07
Speaker 1: do that thing, I shouldn't have to do all these things.
6:09
Speaker 1: You know, they believe that they shouldn't have to do
6:12
Speaker 1: these certain things, or that they should be treated with
6:14
Speaker 1: more respect or with special treatment. But they're not showing
6:17
Speaker 1: it as obviously as an overt narcissist, and instead they
6:21
Speaker 1: will come across as introverted, humble, shy. You know, they're
6:30
Speaker 1: really really good at deceiving and manipulating as a way
6:33
Speaker 1: of controlling other people. But they're not necessarily like easier
6:39
Speaker 1: to deal with either. It's not like because they're shy
6:42
Speaker 1: and because they're introverted that they're more you know, you know,
6:46
Speaker 1: you can reason with them better. Not at all. They're
6:49
Speaker 1: just not this big character in your face. Okay. Now,
6:53
Speaker 1: both kinds of narcissism normally stems from the results of
6:58
Speaker 1: neglect or abuse or abandonment as a child. Okay, traumatic
7:04
Speaker 1: childhood experiences in general, are linked to narcissistic personality disorder.
7:09
Speaker 1: Genetics can also play a role. But obviously this goes
7:13
Speaker 1: without saying. But obviously not all children who were exposed
7:16
Speaker 1: to trauma are going to develop the disorder, or abuse
7:20
Speaker 1: or neglect are going to develop this disorder. Okay, It's
7:22
Speaker 1: just very commonly that people with this disorder have experienced abandonment, neglect,
7:28
Speaker 1: or abuse or some sort of traumatic experience. Okay. Now,
7:32
Speaker 1: a big difference with the two with covert narcissism is
7:36
Speaker 1: the passive aggressive nature. So unlike overt, they're really blunt
7:40
Speaker 1: and in your face. These guys. These people use passive
7:45
Speaker 1: aggressive traits to control you. So they're going to make
7:48
Speaker 1: subtle but very hurtful comments to bring you down. They
7:51
Speaker 1: might be yelling in your face, but they'll say things
7:53
Speaker 1: that make all these little stabs, constantly stab stat stuff
7:55
Speaker 1: just to bring you down, to like shake your idea
7:58
Speaker 1: of who you are, your sense of self or your
8:00
Speaker 1: self esteem. They'll make comments about your abilities, about your appearance,
8:04
Speaker 1: anything that they know is important to you and that
8:06
Speaker 1: will get to you. They will be sarcastic all the time,
8:10
Speaker 1: even when it's not remotely funny, like, for example, you
8:14
Speaker 1: might have. You know, there might be a a something
8:18
Speaker 1: in your relationship that's like a sow point that they
8:21
Speaker 1: know that you've been upset about, or you know, you
8:25
Speaker 1: might be completely responsible for doing all the housework, all
8:29
Speaker 1: the parenting, everything falls on you, yet they have no
8:33
Speaker 1: problems making sarcastic jokes and comments about the fact that
8:37
Speaker 1: you're not a good enough parent and you didn't clean
8:39
Speaker 1: this thing properly enough, and just little comments. Then then
8:41
Speaker 1: if you challenge them on and they're like, oh please,
8:43
Speaker 1: I was making sarcastic I was joking. But it's like,
8:45
Speaker 1: you can't make that joke, like you're a fuck with
8:48
Speaker 1: you never help me out. You're not in your right
8:52
Speaker 1: to make a comment like that. But certain you know,
8:54
Speaker 1: sarcastic comments like that, they will spread rumors and lies,
8:59
Speaker 1: and they will do this to ruin the image of
9:01
Speaker 1: people and the image that other people have of someone else,
9:05
Speaker 1: as a way of kind of creating a divide between
9:09
Speaker 1: certain people and as a way of isolating other people. So,
9:12
Speaker 1: for example, if you're in a romantic relationship or an
9:15
Speaker 1: intimate relationship with a covert narcissist, they might be telling
9:19
Speaker 1: you things about people that you actually like to get
9:22
Speaker 1: you to stop hanging out with that person, so they'll
9:25
Speaker 1: you know, spread a rumor, say that they said something
9:27
Speaker 1: about you, say that they actually are like XYZ behind
9:30
Speaker 1: closed doors. You don't actually know them that well. I
9:32
Speaker 1: know them better than you do, and you know, you know,
9:35
Speaker 1: I'm surprised that you'd want to hang out with them
9:36
Speaker 1: because they're not a good person. And then you feel
9:38
Speaker 1: a bit like shaken, like fuck, can I actually be
9:40
Speaker 1: hanging out with this person I don't know? And then
9:41
Speaker 1: before you know it, you've cut out all these people
9:44
Speaker 1: in your life and you've become very, very isolated, and
9:46
Speaker 1: that's a very good way that they can control you.
9:49
Speaker 1: And then they use the silent treatment a lot. It's
9:52
Speaker 1: this like passive aggressive, always a silent treatment. If you've
9:56
Speaker 1: hurt them, they will like take it to the next
9:58
Speaker 1: level and they will be so so offended and so
10:01
Speaker 1: hurt and not talked to you for potentially even days,
10:05
Speaker 1: or you'll have an argument and it might be like
10:08
Speaker 1: a week or even two weeks before things are normal again.
10:12
Speaker 1: And it's not normal because you've addressed what the issue is.
10:14
Speaker 1: It's just that enough time has passed that the two
10:17
Speaker 1: if you have kind of like spent enough time brushing
10:19
Speaker 1: it under the rug that you're just not talking about
10:21
Speaker 1: it anymore. And then of course gas lighting behaviors where
10:25
Speaker 1: they will make you feel like you're crazy for believing
10:29
Speaker 1: something or for thinking something, or you know, they'll make
10:31
Speaker 1: you doubt what you read, what you saw, what you heard,
10:35
Speaker 1: so you're always living in this state of like uncertainty
10:39
Speaker 1: because they're gaslighting you all the time. Narcissists are the
10:42
Speaker 1: best gas lighters, by the way, So if you if
10:45
Speaker 1: there's someone that you know that's really good at gaslighting people,
10:48
Speaker 1: then there's probably a big chance that there are narcissists,
10:51
Speaker 1: not always but often. Now let's move on to so
10:55
Speaker 1: that that's the difference between covert narcissists and overt narcissists,
10:59
Speaker 1: and narcissist is this larger than life character that's really intense,
11:03
Speaker 1: and often they're more attractive, you know. They're those characters
11:09
Speaker 1: that are charismatic and magnetic, but weirdly have no fucking friends,
11:14
Speaker 1: so they're magnetic with surface level relationships and everyone's like,
11:19
Speaker 1: oh my god, this person's so far this is so
11:21
Speaker 1: called it. But if you dig a little bit under
11:23
Speaker 1: the surface, they've got no close intimate friendship relationships. They
11:28
Speaker 1: only have romantic partners who they can manipulate one at
11:32
Speaker 1: a time. Okay. And then of course like their family,
11:36
Speaker 1: who they who are fucking stuck with them. Okay, So
11:39
Speaker 1: that's overt covert. Now I want to move on to
11:43
Speaker 1: part two of the episode, which is all around dealing
11:46
Speaker 1: with parents and dealing with in laws who are narcissistic.
11:51
Speaker 1: Like I said, I've received like so many specific questions
11:54
Speaker 1: about this kind of relationship, and it affects so many
11:57
Speaker 1: fucking people because there are many, many, many, many fact
12:00
Speaker 1: that make this really really difficult to navigate, Okay, whether
12:03
Speaker 1: it's parents or in laws. So the fact that they
12:06
Speaker 1: raised you or raised your partner, the fact that you
12:10
Speaker 1: feel like you have to have them in your life
12:12
Speaker 1: no matter what because of the blood tie that you
12:14
Speaker 1: have to them, the definite guilt that you have, well
12:19
Speaker 1: that you've always felt, but they've always used on you.
12:21
Speaker 1: And narcissistic parents use guilt as like their number one currency,
12:26
Speaker 1: guilt and emotional blackmail. They are like unbelievably talented at
12:31
Speaker 1: using that as as a tool. So now it's so
12:34
Speaker 1: ingrained in you that even when you identify that they
12:38
Speaker 1: are using guilt on purpose to manipulate your behavior, or
12:41
Speaker 1: that they are using emotional blackmail to get something out
12:44
Speaker 1: of you. You still can't stop feeling bad and stop
12:48
Speaker 1: feeling guilty, and you can't remove yourself from it, and
12:51
Speaker 1: you still carry out the things that they want you
12:53
Speaker 1: to carry out to avoid feeling these feelings. Another thing
12:57
Speaker 1: is the feeling of responsibility over them and putting them
13:00
Speaker 1: as a priority. Narcissistic parents or in laws will make
13:03
Speaker 1: you feel that you are responsible for them. I gave
13:06
Speaker 1: you life, You now have to look after me until
13:08
Speaker 1: the day that I die. You have to put me
13:10
Speaker 1: as a priority. They will often act like they are,
13:13
Speaker 1: although they will never say it, never, but they will
13:17
Speaker 1: genuinely expect you to put them before yourself and probably
13:20
Speaker 1: your own family outside of them, as in like you,
13:22
Speaker 1: your partner and your children, they definitely want to be
13:25
Speaker 1: put first, okay. They don't see why you would prioritize
13:28
Speaker 1: your own children over them, okay. The feeling that you
13:33
Speaker 1: always have to put their feelings first, you know, even
13:37
Speaker 1: if it affects the quality of your relationship with your
13:39
Speaker 1: own partner or with other people. They expect for you
13:42
Speaker 1: to not ever do anything that hurts their feelings, even
13:46
Speaker 1: if it's irrational, Well, that offends me. I'm offended. Now
13:48
Speaker 1: you have to mend this, you know, problem that you've caused,
13:53
Speaker 1: and you always have to put their feelings number one.
13:55
Speaker 1: And unless you've mended them feeling insulted, you literally can
14:00
Speaker 1: not move past that. You can't just continue on. Another
14:03
Speaker 1: really difficult thing about this is that it's really difficult
14:06
Speaker 1: to know how to break this cycle because it has
14:07
Speaker 1: started since you or since your partner was born. So
14:11
Speaker 1: if you are dealing with your parents or your partner's parents,
14:16
Speaker 1: trying to see it or trying to get your partner
14:19
Speaker 1: to see this can be really really difficult. And even
14:22
Speaker 1: if they do see it that their parents are narcissists,
14:26
Speaker 1: getting them to do something about it might be just
14:28
Speaker 1: as hard. So you might be someone that's got like
14:31
Speaker 1: a really good backbone when it comes to narcissists. But
14:33
Speaker 1: then you start dating this person who's an absolute angel,
14:36
Speaker 1: you love them so much, and then nah, then you
14:40
Speaker 1: see the dynamic that they have with their parents and
14:43
Speaker 1: you're like, do I fucking run for the fucking hills
14:46
Speaker 1: because this is so painful. I cannot handle it. They're
14:48
Speaker 1: expecting to be put number one, and here I am
14:51
Speaker 1: trying to like get closer with this person, potentially have
14:53
Speaker 1: a family with this person. Are these parents going to
14:55
Speaker 1: be in our face all the time and are they
14:58
Speaker 1: going to be controlling everything that my partner does, Like
15:00
Speaker 1: will I have a say over the parents? And then
15:02
Speaker 1: sometimes the partner doesn't even see that their parents are
15:05
Speaker 1: narcissistic because they've been in this bubble for so long,
15:08
Speaker 1: or they'll be like, yeah, they're annoying, but they don't
15:11
Speaker 1: see that it's like legitimate manipulation. And that's where it
15:15
Speaker 1: can be very frustrating. So let's go through some steps.
15:17
Speaker 1: Some of the steps are going to be for you
15:19
Speaker 1: to put into place, and some of these steps are
15:21
Speaker 1: going to be how to deal with your partner and
15:25
Speaker 1: their narcissistic parents. The first one is obviously boundaries. Boundaries
15:31
Speaker 1: are a narcissists' worst nightmare because their currency is guilt
15:37
Speaker 1: and manipulation. This this guilt and manipulation comes through a
15:41
Speaker 1: lack of boundaries, and especially if you've been brought into it,
15:45
Speaker 1: you've not been taught how to set boundaries, So the
15:48
Speaker 1: concept of setting boundaries at a young age doesn't exist.
15:51
Speaker 1: For you, and you've had to learn it somewhere else,
15:55
Speaker 1: probably through friends or through you know, other normal relationships
15:59
Speaker 1: you've had outside of your parents. But then another problem
16:04
Speaker 1: is that even though you don't know how to do it,
16:06
Speaker 1: then when you do learn it, you're like, how do
16:08
Speaker 1: I do it with them? Because it's been so long, okay?
16:11
Speaker 1: And then when you've tried, maybe you have tried to
16:14
Speaker 1: put a boundary in place, they have a tantrum. And
16:19
Speaker 1: there's nothing worse than the tantrum of a narcissist, Like
16:22
Speaker 1: it is the most painful thing to endure. And if
16:26
Speaker 1: you've endured a narcissist tantrum, you know exactly what I'm
16:29
Speaker 1: talking about. But it's like World War iiie and pretty
16:34
Speaker 1: much the only way to get it to stop is
16:36
Speaker 1: to basically bow down and let them have their way.
16:39
Speaker 1: Otherwise the wrath will just continue on and on and on.
16:43
Speaker 1: It is fucking torture. They will. They will literally like
16:49
Speaker 1: no one can hold their ground better than a narcissist.
16:52
Speaker 1: So if you're like, I'm gonna walk away, I can't
16:54
Speaker 1: hand do this, Like fine, walk away, and then they
16:57
Speaker 1: won't call you back, they won't do anything. It is
16:59
Speaker 1: like they set it up so you are the one
17:02
Speaker 1: that's always crawling back. They will not forgive you. They
17:05
Speaker 1: will act so insulted. They will pick on things that
17:09
Speaker 1: you said while trying to set that boundary and be
17:11
Speaker 1: like you insulted me. I don't know if I can
17:13
Speaker 1: ever recover from this. It is just so intense and painful. However,
17:19
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter because when you set this boundary, everything
17:25
Speaker 1: will change for you. And there is a chance that
17:27
Speaker 1: this narcissist will try and threaten you by saying I'm
17:31
Speaker 1: not going to be in your life, I'm not going
17:33
Speaker 1: to start I'm not going to mind your children anymore.
17:35
Speaker 1: They throw all these threats, especially ones that like are
17:38
Speaker 1: things that you need, and a lot of people will
17:40
Speaker 1: put up with their narcissistic parents or in laws because
17:43
Speaker 1: they often really help out with a lot of things
17:45
Speaker 1: as well. But you still have to draw that boundary
17:48
Speaker 1: because you've got the option keep doing what I'm doing
17:51
Speaker 1: and it's clearly not serving you, it's not working for you,
17:55
Speaker 1: or I need to put this boundary in place and
17:59
Speaker 1: just wait and see what happens. And I'm going to
18:02
Speaker 1: touch on this in a second of what you can do.
18:05
Speaker 1: Number two do not try and fix them or change them,
18:09
Speaker 1: or do not try and get them to see the light.
18:12
Speaker 1: A narcissist does not operate the way you do. They
18:15
Speaker 1: do not reason the way you do. They cannot see
18:17
Speaker 1: things the way you do. So this applies for every relationship,
18:21
Speaker 1: but tenfold for narcissistic relationships. Okay, for you to be
18:25
Speaker 1: like but can't you see that? No, they can't. Okay,
18:27
Speaker 1: so don't waste your time. And when you try and
18:29
Speaker 1: reason with a narcissist, you it's like the blind leading
18:33
Speaker 1: the blind. No one's understanding what the other person's saying
18:36
Speaker 1: because you're trying to reason with them. Their version of
18:39
Speaker 1: reasoning is very, very different. They don't reason. They get
18:42
Speaker 1: what they want. Okay. Someone who is not a narcissist,
18:45
Speaker 1: who has healthy has a healthy approach to their relationships.
18:49
Speaker 1: Their aim in an argument is not to get what
18:52
Speaker 1: they want, and your aim, if you're a healthy person
18:55
Speaker 1: in an argument or whatever you want to call it,
18:59
Speaker 1: is to seek to understand and to be understood. That
19:04
Speaker 1: should be what a healthy person's aim is every time
19:07
Speaker 1: they have some confrontational conversation with their partner or with anyone.
19:11
Speaker 1: You shouldn't be like I want to win. I want
19:12
Speaker 1: to win. I'm here to win. I'm here to win.
19:14
Speaker 1: That's very unhealthy, but you should come into it being like,
19:17
Speaker 1: my aim is to even if we disagree, I really
19:20
Speaker 1: want to get where you're coming from, and ideally I
19:22
Speaker 1: would love for you to understand where I'm coming from.
19:24
Speaker 1: That's not how a narcissist operates. They want to win, Okay,
19:27
Speaker 1: so they're like, I will do what it fucking takes
19:30
Speaker 1: to win this fucking thing. I don't care what the
19:33
Speaker 1: collateral is. So to try and reason with that unless
19:37
Speaker 1: you yourself are a narcissist, and then two narciss's butting
19:40
Speaker 1: heads is a fucking circus act. But it's just you're
19:44
Speaker 1: gonna get nowhere. So never try to change or fix
19:48
Speaker 1: a narcissist or reason with them. You're wasting your time,
19:51
Speaker 1: you're wasting your breath. And often they will be really
19:53
Speaker 1: good at picking so many holes in your arguments and
19:56
Speaker 1: hurting you and offending you and finding a moment where
19:58
Speaker 1: you said something that was insulting and then they latch
20:01
Speaker 1: onto that and you end up losing your ground. Okay,
20:04
Speaker 1: So the best thing you can do is actually less
20:07
Speaker 1: is more when it comes to a narcissist. Number three,
20:12
Speaker 1: do not try to get them to agree to the
20:15
Speaker 1: boundaries that you have set in order for you to
20:17
Speaker 1: be able to put them into place. So, like I mentioned,
20:21
Speaker 1: one of the key traits of a narcissist is that
20:23
Speaker 1: they are interpersonally exploitative, so meaning that they will use
20:28
Speaker 1: you to get what they need, whether it be material,
20:32
Speaker 1: whether it be emotional, whether it be a sense of
20:35
Speaker 1: importance like status related, whether it relates to making them
20:39
Speaker 1: look like a better person. They will use you for
20:43
Speaker 1: their benefit and for the benefit of their image. Okay,
20:47
Speaker 1: so no, they're not going to agree with this boundary
20:49
Speaker 1: that you've put in place, and based on your history,
20:53
Speaker 1: they will likely maybe kick up a bit of a
20:57
Speaker 1: you know, they will have a tantrum when you try
20:59
Speaker 1: and put about in place because it threatens the very
21:02
Speaker 1: thing that they want from you. Okay, it threatens whatever
21:06
Speaker 1: it is that they want from you. They have you
21:08
Speaker 1: in your in their life for a reason. And this
21:10
Speaker 1: sounds really mean, But if you have a narcissistic parent,
21:14
Speaker 1: they have you in their life because you serve them
21:18
Speaker 1: in some way, shape or form, and they might love you,
21:22
Speaker 1: but it is a very unhealthy love where it's very conditional.
21:29
Speaker 1: Because if you were to put a boundary in place
21:31
Speaker 1: and someone says, come and talk to me when you've
21:34
Speaker 1: got some sense knocked in and they never never call you,
21:36
Speaker 1: they never talk to you, that is conditional, very conditional,
21:40
Speaker 1: and the conditions are very unhealthy conditions. If the only
21:44
Speaker 1: way to have a relationship with someone is by them
21:48
Speaker 1: not respecting your boundaries and you not having any boundaries
21:51
Speaker 1: in order to be able to see them, what does
21:53
Speaker 1: that mean about how they quote unquote love you. You
21:56
Speaker 1: answer that question for yourself, what does that mean to you?
21:59
Speaker 1: How do you interpret that form of love? Because the
22:02
Speaker 1: way I look at it is not good enough. Basically,
22:11
Speaker 1: Number four, stand your ground with a narcissist. You have
22:14
Speaker 1: to stand your ground, but peacefully. So when a narcissist
22:18
Speaker 1: is having this moment where they're blowing up where you've
22:20
Speaker 1: put in a boundary and they're trying to they're trying
22:22
Speaker 1: to get you from every angle emotional black male, make
22:25
Speaker 1: you feel guilty. They're trying to, you know, pick one
22:30
Speaker 1: thing that you did in the past and bring it
22:31
Speaker 1: back to the surface and make you feel really guilty.
22:33
Speaker 1: So then you're back down and you're like, oh, I'm sorry,
22:34
Speaker 1: I'm sorry. No, you stand your ground. Threats are going
22:37
Speaker 1: to be thrown, hurtful things are going to be said,
22:40
Speaker 1: but you just stand your ground. And if they turn
22:42
Speaker 1: around and say I don't want to see you, I'm
22:44
Speaker 1: not seeing you until this is resolved, just don't respond
22:48
Speaker 1: to that. Just be like okay, no problem, okay. Now,
22:52
Speaker 1: if you are in a situation where you're like, yeah,
22:54
Speaker 1: well I don't want my parent walking out of my life. Yes,
22:56
Speaker 1: they're a narcissist, but I love them. I don't want
22:59
Speaker 1: to cut them out of my life. That is still okay.
23:01
Speaker 1: With this kind of situation. What you can do is
23:05
Speaker 1: you stand your ground. You say, look, I'm not going
23:06
Speaker 1: to be doing this any longer, or I'm not going
23:08
Speaker 1: to have you talk to myself or talk to my
23:10
Speaker 1: partner like that anymore. And if they blow up, just say, look,
23:12
Speaker 1: I'm going to leave because I'm not having these conversations anymore.
23:15
Speaker 1: So you literally give them nothing. You're giving them nothing.
23:17
Speaker 1: Then if they say you walked out on me, you're
23:20
Speaker 1: so rude, How dare you talk to me like that?
23:21
Speaker 1: Blah blah blah blah. Don't come here unless you're coming
23:24
Speaker 1: with an apology, right, don't come with an apology, but
23:27
Speaker 1: you can still reach out to them on an occasional basis,
23:29
Speaker 1: being like, hey, how's it going, Just wanted to know
23:33
Speaker 1: if you wanted to, you know, you can invite them
23:35
Speaker 1: to places, you can, whatever, but always keeping that boundary,
23:39
Speaker 1: just saying and then if you insult my partner again,
23:42
Speaker 1: I'm going to leave. If you try and manipulate me again,
23:45
Speaker 1: I'm going to stop the conversation. You know, So you
23:48
Speaker 1: can always maintain these boundaries. They'll be very annoyed at you.
23:51
Speaker 1: But what happens is that eventually a narcissist, when it
23:55
Speaker 1: comes to setting boundaries, eventually they will try and then
23:58
Speaker 1: shift their focus to a weaker target. And I really
24:01
Speaker 1: feel sorry for these weaker targets that are out there
24:03
Speaker 1: that have yet to discover my podcast, But there are
24:06
Speaker 1: weaker targets out there, and eventually a narcissist is going
24:10
Speaker 1: to just shift bang and then find a waker target.
24:13
Speaker 1: And that's what they're going to fixate on because strength,
24:17
Speaker 1: they're not that strong. It's all a facade. If you
24:21
Speaker 1: have legitimate strength which is not matching them energy for energy,
24:24
Speaker 1: because you'll never You'll never win energy for energy with
24:27
Speaker 1: a narcissist as far as how intense they can be.
24:29
Speaker 1: But you can win with just being constant and stable.
24:32
Speaker 1: This is my limit. I'm not gonna get angry if
24:34
Speaker 1: you start screaming at me. I'm just gonna leave, not
24:36
Speaker 1: blowing up. You can yell at me as I leave.
24:39
Speaker 1: It is what it is. Just stand your ground, okay.
24:42
Speaker 1: Just make sure also that you're not sacrificing your mental
24:48
Speaker 1: health in order to have an amicable relationship with somebody. Okay,
24:53
Speaker 1: because these people, these parents, these in laws are going
24:57
Speaker 1: to cause such a scene and make you feel so
25:00
Speaker 1: horrible and guilty because they are your parents and you
25:03
Speaker 1: have a blood relationship, and it is your responsibility now
25:06
Speaker 1: to make sure that they age in a really comfortable way,
25:08
Speaker 1: and blah blah blah blah blah. You know they they're
25:10
Speaker 1: going to cause such a saying. They're going to make
25:12
Speaker 1: you feel so guilty that you're going to feel like
25:15
Speaker 1: you have to go crawling back to them because you're
25:17
Speaker 1: not used to standing up to your parents, or your
25:20
Speaker 1: partner isn't used to standing up to their in laws.
25:23
Speaker 1: So then you realize that the only way if you
25:28
Speaker 1: keep doing that, if you keep crawling back to them,
25:30
Speaker 1: it means that the only way to have a relationship
25:33
Speaker 1: with your narcissistic parents is if it is one hundred
25:36
Speaker 1: percent on their terms, and it is only if they
25:41
Speaker 1: are able to manipulate you. And that's not okay because
25:47
Speaker 1: if they are not willing to have you in their
25:50
Speaker 1: life their child, if they're not willing to have you
25:53
Speaker 1: as a child in their life, when you create a
25:56
Speaker 1: boundary because it matters to you, then they have exposed
26:00
Speaker 1: those themselves and how they feel towards you. Okay, sounds awful,
26:04
Speaker 1: but people have such an attachment with keeping people in
26:07
Speaker 1: their life just because they share fifty percent DNA, which
26:13
Speaker 1: blows my mind because it's like, you can choose your family.
26:18
Speaker 1: You can. You don't have to have someone in your
26:22
Speaker 1: life who treats you like shit, who's always disrespecting you,
26:26
Speaker 1: who's always manipulating you, who would only ever have a
26:29
Speaker 1: relationship with you if it's on their terms. What does
26:31
Speaker 1: that mean? If someone's only ever willing to have a
26:34
Speaker 1: relationship with me that that's on their terms, that is
26:37
Speaker 1: a fucked power dynamic, and that is emotional abuse. And
26:40
Speaker 1: there is no other way of wording it. Someone who
26:45
Speaker 1: says you can only be in my life if it's
26:47
Speaker 1: under my terms, and if those terms include me emotionally
26:50
Speaker 1: manipulating you, that's abuse. Okay, call it what you want,
26:53
Speaker 1: but it's fucking abuse. Now. Number five, be willing to
26:57
Speaker 1: walk away from conversations without seeking to be understood. We
27:02
Speaker 1: are so used to dealing with people that are similar
27:07
Speaker 1: to us, to non narcissistic people who you know, ultimately
27:12
Speaker 1: want like their main aim after an argument is to
27:17
Speaker 1: just make sure that we still love each other, we
27:18
Speaker 1: still respect each other, you know, like we might not agree,
27:21
Speaker 1: but you know, so we feel that we need to
27:25
Speaker 1: operate in the same way when dealing with a narcissist,
27:27
Speaker 1: and we don't because the outcome is not going to
27:29
Speaker 1: be the same. So a narcissist will look for holes
27:32
Speaker 1: in your arguments. They're going to find moments where you're
27:34
Speaker 1: weak and they you know, and moments where you might
27:38
Speaker 1: snap at them, so they've got ammunition to use your
27:40
Speaker 1: behavior or your words against you. But you do not
27:44
Speaker 1: need to provide them with ammunition because you don't need
27:47
Speaker 1: to be explaining yourself all the time. And a narcissist
27:52
Speaker 1: wants to get you tangled up in a web. Okay.
27:55
Speaker 1: So they will be like why why, They'll be pressing, pressing,
27:58
Speaker 1: pressing and get you to say something. They'll be like
28:00
Speaker 1: picking at it, picking at it until you snap, or
28:02
Speaker 1: until you say something, until you react, and then they've
28:05
Speaker 1: got you okay, because they'll be like, oh, you said this, ah,
28:09
Speaker 1: I thought this, And especially when your emotions are heightened,
28:13
Speaker 1: you haven't been able to pause and reason and act
28:17
Speaker 1: on your like in a way that you think, okay,
28:20
Speaker 1: I've thought this through. I might have initially felt this
28:23
Speaker 1: in the moment. What I really wanted to say was this.
28:25
Speaker 1: You know, often when we're so so our emotions are
28:29
Speaker 1: so heightened, it is just the first thing that comes out.
28:32
Speaker 1: And often it's anger because we've lost control because we're
28:36
Speaker 1: our motions are really heightened. We don't feel good okay,
28:39
Speaker 1: and that's what they want, so they will cling to that.
28:42
Speaker 1: So less is more. Basically, when it comes to dealing
28:45
Speaker 1: with an ascissistant arguing with them, less is more. You
28:47
Speaker 1: say what you want to say. They'll ask you a
28:49
Speaker 1: thousand questions and then you just say, look, I understand
28:51
Speaker 1: you've got all those questions. Not willing to answer those
28:53
Speaker 1: right now and just reiterate what you said. This is
28:57
Speaker 1: now my boundary based on our history, and if you
28:59
Speaker 1: can't remember what our history is, then that is a shame.
29:02
Speaker 1: I'm not going to remind you, Okay. Number six, do
29:06
Speaker 1: not bite the baits. So a narcissist basically what I
29:09
Speaker 1: was saying before, But a narcissist will get you to
29:11
Speaker 1: snap to keep the cycle going. So when they come
29:14
Speaker 1: at you with more stuff to get you to snap,
29:17
Speaker 1: acknowledge it, smile and be like I'm thrilled that I
29:21
Speaker 1: fucking acknowledge this and I'm not snapping and walk away.
29:24
Speaker 1: And one of the best ways to get you to snap, well, actually,
29:30
Speaker 1: I'm going to go straight to number seven because this
29:32
Speaker 1: is it is. Don't try and mend your reputation with
29:35
Speaker 1: a narcissist, So them getting you to snap is one
29:40
Speaker 1: of the best ways to do it is to change
29:44
Speaker 1: how you think that they perceive you. We as humans
29:49
Speaker 1: value how people perceive us so much like it is
29:52
Speaker 1: one of the things we value the most. We value
29:54
Speaker 1: what our reputation is. We value the image that other
29:58
Speaker 1: people have of us in their minds, especially especially the
30:01
Speaker 1: people that love us, and that we love. Okay, So
30:04
Speaker 1: for most of us non narcissists, it hurts when people
30:09
Speaker 1: that we love and anyone, but when people that we
30:12
Speaker 1: love especially think poorly of us. So a narcissist knows that,
30:17
Speaker 1: and they will purposely say hateful things about you and
30:21
Speaker 1: accuse you of things and accuse you of bad personality
30:26
Speaker 1: traits because they have, like I said, a blatant disregard
30:31
Speaker 1: for others, especially if you're not serving their needs. But
30:34
Speaker 1: they do this in order to get you to engage
30:37
Speaker 1: with them, because they've hit you where it hurts. They
30:40
Speaker 1: will try and say, this is actually your reputation, this
30:44
Speaker 1: is how I view you. You're cold, you don't care
30:48
Speaker 1: about people. You're actually like, you're actually really selfish. You know.
30:53
Speaker 1: They'll say comments like that, and you're like, oh my god,
30:56
Speaker 1: no I'm not. I've done everything for you. And this
30:58
Speaker 1: is where you start defending yourself. So you start to
31:00
Speaker 1: try and mend your reputation with a narcissist, when in reality,
31:04
Speaker 1: then I give a fuck about what they think. If
31:06
Speaker 1: you do you think it, they care if they think
31:08
Speaker 1: your selfish not, It doesn't matter. You are in their
31:10
Speaker 1: life to serve them, to serve their image. Okay. So,
31:16
Speaker 1: and you might be thinking, wait a minute, but I
31:18
Speaker 1: know a narcissist, but they're actually really nice to their
31:20
Speaker 1: kids because the kids serve their image. They look good
31:24
Speaker 1: as a good parent, they'll act on it as a
31:26
Speaker 1: good parent. But I can tell you right now, a
31:27
Speaker 1: true narcissist will then manipulate their children later on in life.
31:32
Speaker 1: You right now with narcissistic parents being manipulated, okay, so
31:35
Speaker 1: it will always happen. Now, I do believe that there
31:40
Speaker 1: is a time and place always to defend yourself, but
31:42
Speaker 1: this is not one of them. If a narcissist is
31:45
Speaker 1: accusing you of there's really poor character traits that you
31:48
Speaker 1: genuinely believe that you don't have, let them accuse you,
31:52
Speaker 1: and that is when you walk away. Because the biggest trap,
31:56
Speaker 1: the biggest bait, is you defending yourself. Cues you defend,
32:01
Speaker 1: they've got you. So don't let them think what they
32:04
Speaker 1: want to for you. Let them think. Okay, Now, number eight,
32:08
Speaker 1: we're going to talk a little bit about the partner.
32:10
Speaker 1: If your partner has narcissistic parents, if your in laws
32:15
Speaker 1: are narcissists or one of them is a narcissist, and
32:19
Speaker 1: your partner does not see it or does not want
32:23
Speaker 1: to change it, then this is going to be a
32:25
Speaker 1: massive source of contention for you, guys. Okay, because if
32:27
Speaker 1: your partner sees it and he's like, I'm fucking he she,
32:30
Speaker 1: they are on board to change it. Then you work
32:32
Speaker 1: on this together and it makes it a whole lot easier.
32:35
Speaker 1: The hard thing is when you see it and they
32:37
Speaker 1: either don't see it, or they see it but they're like,
32:40
Speaker 1: oh no, that's fine, They're not really narcissist. Okay, So
32:43
Speaker 1: how do you get them to understand the best way
32:45
Speaker 1: to do it is that if they don't agree with
32:47
Speaker 1: you that their parent is at narcissist, you want to
32:50
Speaker 1: start asking them questions instead of telling them. Because people,
32:54
Speaker 1: when you talk about someone else's inner circle, it's kind
32:57
Speaker 1: of this thing of like, oh, I can say that
32:59
Speaker 1: that my best friends fucking XYZ, or I can say
33:02
Speaker 1: that my parents said this or that my siblings is
33:04
Speaker 1: but no one else is allowed to say it. It's
33:05
Speaker 1: kind of that situation, and sometimes it can take years
33:08
Speaker 1: of being in a relationship with someone until they are
33:11
Speaker 1: comfortable to have you say something negative constructively about their
33:15
Speaker 1: inner circle. So I would be really careful to not,
33:18
Speaker 1: you know, go in for the attack when it might
33:21
Speaker 1: be a dynamic where they're like, wait a minute, I
33:23
Speaker 1: can say something bad, but you can't about my parents.
33:25
Speaker 1: So the best way to do it is to ask
33:28
Speaker 1: them questions instead that get them to do the talking.
33:31
Speaker 1: So you can ask them, did you think that what
33:34
Speaker 1: happened today was fair? Has that happened before? You know?
33:38
Speaker 1: Based on an interaction where maybe the parent was trying
33:40
Speaker 1: to manipulate your partner, you could say, do you feel
33:44
Speaker 1: like you owe your parents something? And if so, why
33:48
Speaker 1: do you feel that you're owe your parents something? Or
33:50
Speaker 1: have you ever been made to feel like you owe
33:52
Speaker 1: your parents something? You start asking questions, you get them talking,
33:55
Speaker 1: and then they'll start to talk and divulge, and that
33:57
Speaker 1: you can continue. The aim is to get them to
34:00
Speaker 1: answer their own, you know, questions, and their own fears
34:05
Speaker 1: and their own concerns about their own relationship with their parents. Okay,
34:10
Speaker 1: you could say something like, do you feel that the
34:13
Speaker 1: relationship with your parents goes both ways? Do you feel
34:15
Speaker 1: that you could speak to your parents the way your
34:18
Speaker 1: parents speak to you? Did you feel that you are
34:20
Speaker 1: unable to talk about up about certain things in your childhood?
34:24
Speaker 1: You know, has anyone else in the family had these
34:28
Speaker 1: same issues or these same conversations with your parents? So
34:31
Speaker 1: you start asking all these questions and you don't have
34:34
Speaker 1: to resolve it in that one conversation, but you want
34:37
Speaker 1: to plant the seed in the sense of like, you're
34:40
Speaker 1: not trying to infiltrate them and get them to turn
34:42
Speaker 1: against their parents, but you want to plant the seed
34:44
Speaker 1: for them to be like, wait a minute, I am
34:47
Speaker 1: being treated poorly. This is unfair, and I am allowed
34:51
Speaker 1: to stand up for myself a little bit. Okay, So
34:54
Speaker 1: you're not there to be malicious. You're literally there to
34:57
Speaker 1: be like, I'm trying to help my partner not be
34:59
Speaker 1: so manipulate in a situation. Now, if your partner does
35:05
Speaker 1: acknowledge it or doesn't acknowledge it, you are still in
35:10
Speaker 1: your right to limit interaction with someone who treats you poorly.
35:14
Speaker 1: I don't give a fuck who this person is, Okay.
35:17
Speaker 1: So I mean I'm very lucky, very lucky because my
35:21
Speaker 1: in laws are fucking legends. However, if they were not,
35:26
Speaker 1: if they were narcissists, no matter how much I love
35:28
Speaker 1: my partner, I would just say, you know what, I
35:31
Speaker 1: love you so much. You go and enjoy that family dinner.
35:34
Speaker 1: I will not. I will peacefully be doing my own
35:37
Speaker 1: fucking thing and not exposing myself to these like, you know,
35:41
Speaker 1: not putting myself in a situation where I'm basically being
35:45
Speaker 1: emotionally tortured for no reason. Now. I never like the
35:49
Speaker 1: idea of partners feeling like they are stuck between their
35:53
Speaker 1: partner and their parents, you know, And you don't want
35:55
Speaker 1: to be in a situation where your partner's constantly being
35:58
Speaker 1: torn between their parents and you. So it's not your
36:02
Speaker 1: job to constantly criticize their parents. Um, you do have
36:07
Speaker 1: to understand that your partner has a history with the
36:09
Speaker 1: parents and it's not easy for them to pull apart
36:11
Speaker 1: these emotions, being like they are my parents. I love
36:13
Speaker 1: them so much, but they also treat me so poorly,
36:15
Speaker 1: and they're narcissist and they manipulate me all the time.
36:17
Speaker 1: But it is okay to say, look, I feel like
36:21
Speaker 1: you don't see certain things the way I see it,
36:24
Speaker 1: and that is perfectly fine. And you have a different
36:26
Speaker 1: relationship with your parents than I do, obviously, but I
36:29
Speaker 1: would rather limit the time that I spend with your
36:31
Speaker 1: parents because every time I interact with them it doesn't
36:34
Speaker 1: go well, okay, and they treat me a certain way
36:36
Speaker 1: that I don't like. I don't really value those moments
36:40
Speaker 1: where they're talking down to me. So I'm not going
36:42
Speaker 1: to spend as much time with your parents that you do.
36:45
Speaker 1: And I don't have to hang around with your parents.
36:47
Speaker 1: Every time you hang around with your parents, they're your parents,
36:50
Speaker 1: not mine. Okay. I'm not tied to them with this
36:53
Speaker 1: fucking invisible umbilical cord. And if you choose to be,
36:56
Speaker 1: that's on you. That's not on me, okay. And if
36:59
Speaker 1: your partner refuses to see the pain that you are
37:02
Speaker 1: caused by like by their parents, by your in laws,
37:06
Speaker 1: and refuses to stand up for you, or who will
37:09
Speaker 1: always put their parents first before you, then you're likely
37:13
Speaker 1: going to find this a really big source of deterioration
37:16
Speaker 1: in your relationship. Someone who can never stand up for
37:21
Speaker 1: their partner in front of their parents. And I'm not
37:23
Speaker 1: saying always choose the partner over the parents, because sometimes
37:25
Speaker 1: there are toxic partners out there. I get that, but
37:28
Speaker 1: as someone who can genuinely allow their own parents to
37:32
Speaker 1: be rude, dismissive or attacking or you know, insulting or
37:38
Speaker 1: condescending to their partner and who allows it to happen.
37:43
Speaker 1: To me, that is the biggest turnoff. There is no
37:49
Speaker 1: bigger turn off than someone who can't stand up to
37:51
Speaker 1: their parents and is like still sucking on the fucking
37:54
Speaker 1: teat all, right, Like get a grip cunt and learn
37:57
Speaker 1: how to have a spine and learn how to put
38:00
Speaker 1: your parents in their place where they're being inappropriate. Some
38:02
Speaker 1: people can't do that and it's gross, okay, Like these
38:07
Speaker 1: are really really unhealthy traits here, and a lot of
38:11
Speaker 1: the time people in those relationships like someone who will refuse,
38:15
Speaker 1: Like if you're dating someone whose parents are really narcissistic
38:18
Speaker 1: and they are kind of like, well this is my family,
38:21
Speaker 1: take it or leave it, Like we'll leave it. Then
38:25
Speaker 1: this is not something I have to put up with.
38:26
Speaker 1: Like I hate this idea, and I think I've spoken
38:29
Speaker 1: about this. This can be my pet hate for the
38:30
Speaker 1: episode when people say, you know, if you couldn't have
38:34
Speaker 1: me at my worst, then you can't have me at
38:35
Speaker 1: my best, Like fuck off you, like non self aware moron,
38:40
Speaker 1: because that's not how it works. Because if your worst
38:44
Speaker 1: is you being a bad friend, a bad partner, you
38:49
Speaker 1: putting your partner in the firing line of unhealthy family
38:53
Speaker 1: members making them feel emotionally disrespected. If that's your worst,
38:58
Speaker 1: I don't care about your best because you're the worst
39:01
Speaker 1: outweighs your best, okay, and I don't have to put
39:04
Speaker 1: up with that shit. And a lot of people will
39:06
Speaker 1: look at their worst as actually being unhealthy behaviors that
39:08
Speaker 1: they're displaying and say, well, haha, you can't have me
39:11
Speaker 1: at my best. Well, fuck, take your best to someone
39:13
Speaker 1: else who's willing to put up with your bullshit. I'm
39:15
Speaker 1: not okay, hate that anyway. I personally think that you
39:20
Speaker 1: don't have to agree on everything with your partner, but
39:23
Speaker 1: you do need to be empathetic, and you do need
39:26
Speaker 1: to try and understand your partner's needs and your partner's feelings,
39:29
Speaker 1: and to automatically put your parents or for your partner
39:33
Speaker 1: to automatically put their parents' behaviors above yours just because
39:39
Speaker 1: there's a blood relation. There is a clear indication that
39:42
Speaker 1: they're not reasoning, and they're not, you know, dealing with
39:48
Speaker 1: the issue. Okay, they're not basically someone who can't reason.
39:51
Speaker 1: There's someone who is pretty much you know, those people,
39:56
Speaker 1: they're brainwashed basically, so they've grown up in this thing.
39:59
Speaker 1: They can't put all away from it. They're stuck in
40:01
Speaker 1: that brainwash thing. And then it's up to you to
40:03
Speaker 1: decide if I can't reason with my partner, am I
40:06
Speaker 1: willing to put up with this for the rest of
40:08
Speaker 1: my life? Or am I willing to walk away? Because
40:13
Speaker 1: if your partner can see it and is willing to
40:16
Speaker 1: do something, even if it's difficult, then you're at a
40:18
Speaker 1: good starting point and you can do something about it.
40:20
Speaker 1: And even if your partner can be like, look, I
40:23
Speaker 1: can see it. I can't stand up for myself. I
40:25
Speaker 1: just I can't do it, But I can stand up
40:27
Speaker 1: for you, that's that's still okay, that's still a step up.
40:31
Speaker 1: But for a partner to be like, oh no, my parents,
40:33
Speaker 1: you know you can't. They can't, they can't be touched.
40:35
Speaker 1: They're perfect, They're fucking perfect, and they're like really manipulative
40:38
Speaker 1: and awful. But they treat your partner like a you know,
40:42
Speaker 1: in front of you. They treat them well, they treat
40:44
Speaker 1: you poorly. That's just a manipulation tactic. And if your
40:46
Speaker 1: partner's falling for that, then I find that like gross.
40:50
Speaker 1: I find it's like such a gross turn off. It's
40:52
Speaker 1: like worse than like someone scratching my eyeballs with dirty fingernails.
40:56
Speaker 1: It's just foul. Anyway. That is the eight points. I'm
41:02
Speaker 1: going to summarize those eight points so you can remember it.
41:05
Speaker 1: So Number one, set some boundaries. Number two, do not
41:08
Speaker 1: try and change them or fix them, or get them
41:10
Speaker 1: to see the light, because they never will. Number three,
41:13
Speaker 1: do not try and get them to agree to your
41:16
Speaker 1: boundaries in order for you to be able to put
41:18
Speaker 1: boundaries in place. Number four, stand your ground. Number five,
41:23
Speaker 1: be willing to walk away without getting your parents to
41:27
Speaker 1: try and understand you. Don't seek to be understood. Number six,
41:32
Speaker 1: don't bite the bait. Okay, they're going to try and
41:35
Speaker 1: fucking bait you. Number seven, don't try and mend your
41:39
Speaker 1: reputation with a narcissist. This is the bait, okay. And
41:42
Speaker 1: number eight, well, number eight was actually me just talking
41:46
Speaker 1: all about what you do with your partner. But basically,
41:49
Speaker 1: if your partner doesn't see it or want to change,
41:51
Speaker 1: then you've got to number one, get them to try
41:54
Speaker 1: and see it. And number two, if they don't see it,
41:56
Speaker 1: you've got to set some boundaries for yourself. So you
41:58
Speaker 1: don't have to be exposing yourself to this really unhealthy
42:01
Speaker 1: scenarios all the time. You can still have a partner.
42:04
Speaker 1: I'm thought it would suck, it's sad, but you can
42:06
Speaker 1: still have a relationship with your partner and also say
42:09
Speaker 1: your parents are horrible to me and I don't need
42:11
Speaker 1: to be exposed to that anymore and I'm not willing
42:13
Speaker 1: to and I won't. And then your partner can decide
42:15
Speaker 1: what to do. You can be like, I love you,
42:17
Speaker 1: I want to stay with you, but I draw the
42:19
Speaker 1: fucking line here and I'm done. All right. So that
42:22
Speaker 1: is the episode of today. We have a listener question
42:27
Speaker 1: and then they'll be in. So let's get into it.
42:34
Speaker 1: You have one message, hey, Lex, it's just going to
42:37
Speaker 1: get right into it. So I've just moved to a
42:39
Speaker 1: new city. I've been here for over a month and
42:41
Speaker 1: I have really struggled to make friends. I moved to Auckland,
42:44
Speaker 1: New Zealand, and moving here to study has been a
42:47
Speaker 1: goal of mine for five years. But I've just been
42:50
Speaker 1: so lonely. My boyfriend of seven slash eight months is
42:53
Speaker 1: currently an hour and a half car drive away, and
42:56
Speaker 1: I find myself visiting him almost every weekend. Since visiting,
43:00
Speaker 1: I've made friends and always enjoy my time there. So
43:03
Speaker 1: I'm guessing that where your boyfriend lives is not where
43:05
Speaker 1: you are originally from. Because of how great I feel
43:09
Speaker 1: with my boyfriend and friends, I find myself thinking of
43:12
Speaker 1: maybe moving there next year. Although I like Auckland, I
43:15
Speaker 1: don't like my degree or how lonely I'm feeling. I'm
43:19
Speaker 1: trying to embrace the independence and work on myself and
43:22
Speaker 1: my relationships with friends and my partner, but I can't
43:26
Speaker 1: shake the feeling of leaving. I have a passion to
43:29
Speaker 1: become a hairstylist and found a course closer to my boyfriend,
43:32
Speaker 1: but not sure if I should just take the jump.
43:34
Speaker 1: I feel like I've jumped too far from my comfort
43:36
Speaker 1: zone and needing to take a step back. Although I
43:39
Speaker 1: like being on my own, I'm not happy here. Please help.
43:42
Speaker 1: Your advice holds so much power. Okay, Look number one,
43:47
Speaker 1: I'd never encourage for anyone to do anything when they're
43:50
Speaker 1: legitimately unhappy. So we need to kind of pull this
43:53
Speaker 1: apart and ask you a bunch of questions so you
43:55
Speaker 1: can decide am I am I unhappy or am I uncomfortable?
43:59
Speaker 1: Because they're two completely different things. And sometimes you'll look
44:03
Speaker 1: at a situation where it's really comfortable, it's really like pleasant,
44:07
Speaker 1: but it's not challenging you and it's not getting you
44:08
Speaker 1: to where you want to be, and you think, oh wait,
44:11
Speaker 1: maybe I'm just really uncomfortable and I'm seeing this like
44:13
Speaker 1: much quote unquote easier life, and so I'm gravitating towards
44:18
Speaker 1: that because I'm really struggling right now and what I'm
44:19
Speaker 1: doing is really hard Versus I legitimately do not like
44:24
Speaker 1: what I'm doing. I don't like one degree. I feel
44:26
Speaker 1: like I'm wasting my time. I feel like i could
44:29
Speaker 1: be doing something much better with my time where I'll
44:31
Speaker 1: truly be happy. Okay, so we need to figure out
44:34
Speaker 1: which one it is here, because only you can know
44:36
Speaker 1: the answer. The first question to ask yourself is if
44:39
Speaker 1: you didn't if you were single, do you think you
44:42
Speaker 1: would feel the same way? Fair enough, you wouldn't be
44:45
Speaker 1: going to that exact city where your boyfriend lives to visit,
44:48
Speaker 1: But would you really still not want to do the degree?
44:52
Speaker 1: Would you still be gravitating towards hairdressing? Yes? Or no?
44:55
Speaker 1: I mean that there's no right or only you know
44:57
Speaker 1: the answer. So without the boyfriend, would you still feel
44:59
Speaker 1: the same way. Another thing is have I really truly
45:03
Speaker 1: done things to try and find independence here in Auckland
45:06
Speaker 1: or not? Like, if you're going away every single weekend,
45:10
Speaker 1: that cuts out a lot of time that you could
45:12
Speaker 1: spend in Auckland doing certain things. Okay, so maybe you have,
45:16
Speaker 1: maybe you haven't. You've only been there for one month
45:19
Speaker 1: the next one. Why don't you like this degree? Is
45:24
Speaker 1: it genuinely you are not passionate about what you're studying anymore?
45:27
Speaker 1: You found something you like more. You just know for
45:29
Speaker 1: a fact it's fucking not your thing, and there's no
45:31
Speaker 1: point wasting more time. Because if that's the case, definitely
45:34
Speaker 1: by the bullet and drop out of the degree. There's
45:36
Speaker 1: this like sunk cost fallacy thing which I feel like
45:39
Speaker 1: I've got to do a whole episode on. But basically,
45:41
Speaker 1: sometimes people will stick something out because they don't want
45:45
Speaker 1: to realize the loss. They basically are like, oh, I'll
45:47
Speaker 1: stay in this because I've already invested this much time,
45:49
Speaker 1: even though you know you hate it and it makes
45:51
Speaker 1: you miserable. So sometimes knowing when to quit and I've
45:53
Speaker 1: got a whole episode called knowing when to Quit but
45:55
Speaker 1: sometimes knowing when to quit is like a very very
45:58
Speaker 1: good skill, and so sometimes it's good to be like, no,
46:01
Speaker 1: I fuck it, I just don't like it, and I'm
46:03
Speaker 1: going to pull the pin. But make sure that you're
46:06
Speaker 1: not leaving the degree because it's not where your boyfriend is,
46:09
Speaker 1: if that makes sense. So just ask yourself those questions.
46:12
Speaker 1: It's always going to be hard for you to settle
46:14
Speaker 1: somewhere when you're emotionally where your head is somewhere else,
46:21
Speaker 1: always because right now you've got one foot where your
46:23
Speaker 1: boyfriend lives, and you've got one foot in Auckland, and
46:26
Speaker 1: that's always going to be very very difficult, doable, but difficult.
46:31
Speaker 1: And so I think it's really important to be like,
46:36
Speaker 1: will I genuinely look back at this and regret not
46:40
Speaker 1: giving it my all, not really like putting all my
46:44
Speaker 1: time and energy into Auckland, And will I regret pulling
46:48
Speaker 1: the pin so early? Because understand that right now I'm
46:52
Speaker 1: not giving Auckland my all. And you might never and
46:55
Speaker 1: you might pull the pin and be really happy with it,
46:57
Speaker 1: but there might be a big part of you that
46:58
Speaker 1: that's like, I feel like I just will never get
47:02
Speaker 1: to know this place. And also ask yourself if it
47:05
Speaker 1: was if the tables were turned, and if your boyfriend
47:07
Speaker 1: was visiting you every weekend, would your lifestyle and your
47:10
Speaker 1: opinion of Auckland change Because why are you going to
47:14
Speaker 1: visit him all the time? Why can't he fucking come
47:15
Speaker 1: and visit you. Maybe there's a good reason for that.
47:17
Speaker 1: I don't know the answer, but would that make you
47:19
Speaker 1: change your mind? If the answer is no, then that's
47:22
Speaker 1: another good indication. Also with the whole if you were single,
47:25
Speaker 1: If the answer is no, it's really hard to know
47:26
Speaker 1: when you've only been somewhere for one month and you
47:29
Speaker 1: don't have a social network there and it just takes
47:32
Speaker 1: time to build that. Another thing is make sure that
47:37
Speaker 1: you're not trading the discomfort the first like few hard
47:43
Speaker 1: months or the first year for something that you know
47:49
Speaker 1: might may or may not pay off, you know, So
47:51
Speaker 1: basically the discomfort of regret of leaving something good behind
47:54
Speaker 1: for something that was more comfortable or a safe option. Now,
47:58
Speaker 1: when I first moved to Sydney, I was in like
48:01
Speaker 1: this heartbroken state. I wasn't feeling really good. And I
48:05
Speaker 1: remember in like two weeks in I one of my
48:09
Speaker 1: best friends, now Luke, We had like kind of knew
48:12
Speaker 1: each other, but not that well. And I remember going
48:14
Speaker 1: to his birthday as a plus one of my friends
48:16
Speaker 1: and he was like, oh my god, do you like
48:19
Speaker 1: living in Sydney? And I was like, not really, I
48:21
Speaker 1: don't fucking like it. And because I was, you know,
48:25
Speaker 1: all my everyone was in Queensland, my ex was there.
48:28
Speaker 1: I just missed it so much. And I was like,
48:30
Speaker 1: did I make a mistake? And he said two years, babe,
48:34
Speaker 1: You've got to give it two fucking years. He's like,
48:36
Speaker 1: my because he's a singer, and he was like, my
48:37
Speaker 1: manager was like, give it to two long years and
48:39
Speaker 1: you'll know. And so I was like, okay, I'm determined
48:42
Speaker 1: to give it two years. I didn't. I didn't. After
48:45
Speaker 1: a year, I moved to Paris. But then when I
48:46
Speaker 1: came back, I came back to Sydney, even though I
48:48
Speaker 1: was tempted to go back to Queensland. And that's when
48:51
Speaker 1: I started truly feeling like, all right, I feel like
48:54
Speaker 1: I've finally started to really lay my roots down and
48:57
Speaker 1: really start to feel like this is my city. Then
48:59
Speaker 1: I moved again, but then I came back to Sydney.
49:01
Speaker 1: So I think you have to give a place time.
49:05
Speaker 1: If if you like the degree, if you don't like
49:08
Speaker 1: the degree and you don't like living in Auckland, and
49:10
Speaker 1: you're like, I am wasting my time here and I
49:12
Speaker 1: know what I want and it's not this, then move
49:15
Speaker 1: because I know when you like the main thing here.
49:17
Speaker 1: Is the only reason I'm saying all of this is
49:21
Speaker 1: because I feel like you are having doubts and I
49:23
Speaker 1: feel like you're feeling guilty about leaving. If a decision's
49:26
Speaker 1: not right and you know it's not right, pull the
49:28
Speaker 1: fucking pin. It's a skill to know when to quit.
49:31
Speaker 1: And if this is the time to quit, now cut
49:33
Speaker 1: your losses and go and do something that's genuinely going
49:36
Speaker 1: to fulfill you. However, if you are in this like
49:39
Speaker 1: divided state where you're like, I feel like I'm going
49:43
Speaker 1: to regret leaving, then those are the questions that you
49:45
Speaker 1: have to ask yourself. Would I still be the same
49:47
Speaker 1: if I was single? Would I be making these decisions
49:49
Speaker 1: if I was single? Why is it that I don't
49:51
Speaker 1: like the degree? Ask yourself all these questions and hopefully
49:55
Speaker 1: that will help you come up with an answer. But ultimately,
49:58
Speaker 1: if you decide that you want to, you know, quit
50:00
Speaker 1: and leave you should never feel bad. You gave it
50:03
Speaker 1: a red hot go. You don't love it. Okay, it's
50:05
Speaker 1: only a month in. But if you don't love it,
50:07
Speaker 1: you've tried it. Cool tick that one off the list.
50:10
Speaker 1: You gave it a go. Done, Now you don't have
50:11
Speaker 1: to ever think about it again. Onto the next. All right,
50:17
Speaker 1: thank you so much for listening to the listener question
50:19
Speaker 1: and the episode of Today. That is all. As always,
50:23
Speaker 1: please remember be kind to yourself, be kind to your brain.
50:25
Speaker 1: Don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit
50:28
Speaker 1: from yourself. Don't it