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Conscious Parenting and Shaming Language · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way, whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for taking some time out of your day to spend here with me and tuning in to this episode.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: This episode is going to focus a little bit more on parenting and a form of conscious parenting.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: So, as those of you who have been listening to me know, I have five kids of my own.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: And recently I was actually with my younger daughter at a field hockey play day, and she had run up to me and had said, Mom, I forgot something in the car.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: I needed to, I needed to walk back and get it because they were in the middle of their games.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: So I was headed back to the car.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: And as I was headed back to the car and I approached the parking lot, I started hearing this man's voice screaming and just yelling at what a I could pick up was a child of some some age.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: I couldn't see quite yet, but he was berating her for having walked off and telling her that she was bad and that she should be ashamed of herself for having walked off and how he had to leave his soccer game in order to go find her.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: And he was just really laying into her.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: As I got closer to the parking lot, I realized that this girl probably was maybe five years old.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I, in the moment, I actually recognized a couple things were coming up for me.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: One, I was definitely, I had this, I had a lot of um emotion around what was going on for this five-year-old girl because as an observer, I'm and I'm hearing and I'm witnessing how and the words, look how he's speaking to her, the tone, but then also the words, and he asked her the question, and he said to her, name all the ways that you were bad today.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: And that was the question that he said that he asked her.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: And when I heard that, I could feel my body just really tense up because in that moment that that experience could absolutely get internalized for that little girl as I'm a bad girl, especially when somebody is telling you to list out all the ways that you've been bad.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: And that's that's a very shaming way to treat somebody.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: And so in that moment, I was feeling just overwhelmed with a lot of just empathy and and wanting to, you know, I wanted to help her, but obviously it's not my place to step in.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm literally, and I'm also, you know, still several feet away from these people.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: At the same time, I recognized that this father was having a reaction to probably being really scared that his daughter had gotten lost at this park.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: And so I bring this example up because this is in real life, this is what happens.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: Something occurs, and as parents, we will react and we will attempt to speak to our children or attempt to deal with the situation when we are actually as parents in a very dysregulated state.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: And so when I was witnessing this father in this very dysregulated state, he was responding to his daughter from that place versus if he had been able to recognize, oh my goodness, I am, I was really scared and I am overwhelmed with this.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: Right now, I just need to know that my daughter is safe, grab her, get her in the car, be able to regulate myself, and then have a conversation with her about the you know good and the bad, right?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: Of why we don't walk off at a park.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: That would have allowed for the conversation to move from a very shame-based conversation into a more loving connection with his daughter.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: And I am not sitting here judging because, first of all, let me just own it as a parent, I know that I've had that experience too, because we're human beings.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: There are not going to be times, there are going to be times where we overreact or come from a very emotionally charged place.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_01: Trying to say that that would never happen is just, it's to me, it's ridiculous because as human beings, there will be moments where we're going to flub or we're going to, like I said, react from that dysregulated place.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: But in terms of this idea of conscious parenting and why I'm bringing this example up, is this a way we can learn from this example of when we are parenting our children, it is so important for us to do a quick check-in of when we are engaging with them, what's present for us as parents?
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: Where are we coming from?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: Are we in an emotionally charged place?
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: And if so, we might need to take a step out, take a time out before we engage in that conversation with our children.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: Because otherwise, we are going to be responding to them from that place.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: And so in this particular instance, he was responding from a very scared place.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: But when he responded from that very scared place, like I said, he ended up communicating to his daughter, you were a bad girl.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: And so as parents, and we're go, I mean, parenting is not easy, and there's no playbook, and there's really honestly there's no right or way, wrong way to do this.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: In my honest opinion, you know, we are doing the best we can as parents.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: But if we can slow it down and recognize that when we pay attention to what's coming up for us or the stories that we're working through, right, the narrative that might be driving our bus or the part of us that might be driving the bus, it is so important to recognize that we have the responsibility as parents to slow it down for ourselves and to do our own work so that we don't then project that onto our children.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: In this case, you know, yes, I would have been panicked absolutely.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: So I am not disputing that at all.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: But what I've learned, especially even raising my own kids, is that when I myself have acted from that place, I'm doing more harm than actually good.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not really in a place to lead them in because I'm not even in my own self-leadership.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: So what we do is we slow it down and we regulate ourselves.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: How do we do that?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: Whether it's taking that time out, practicing mindfulness techniques like uh checking in with your senses, putting your feet on the ground, focusing on your breath, whatever you have to do to regulate that nervous system, and then when you're in that place of your own window of tolerance, then you can address what's going on with your child.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: I hope that's helpful.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: I also want to say that if there is somebody who, if you're listening to this and you're like, you know, I really actually could use some support with parenting and or um how to communicate, and you feel like coaching could be helpful, definitely feel free to reach out to me at any time at coachwithcomedy.com.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: And until next time, stay well.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Username it's authentic me.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.