Latest / Alive, I Guess Podcast / Episode 33 - Inner Child Be Happenin

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Episode 33 - Inner Child Be Happenin · Alive, I Guess Podcast

• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to your safe space.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host RJ, and this is the Alive I Guess Podcast.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: If you're new here, welcome.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you for joining.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've been here, welcome back.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you as always.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: If you aren't doing so by now, make sure y'all are following us on social media at Alive I Guess Podcast.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to hit us up for any inquiries or feedback, you're emailing us at alive I guesspodcast at gmail.com.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: And for all I say this with love submissions, visit tinyur.com slash AIGP advice.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: Today we are going to be discussing inner children, specifically my inner child.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: As things come up, as I move through life, as I've gone through therapy, I've come to learn that she is really the one kind of in control when it comes to triggers and emotional responses.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: And these days, I find myself tending to her and her needs and things that she never got and things that she wants now so that I can have a more regulated, balanced emotional state in the present.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: But before we get into that, you already know we gotta do a moment of gratitude.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: So if you were listening today, say something out loud that you were grateful for.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are watching, drop something below in the comments.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Today, I am grateful for leisure.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: I've been on go lately, and this past weekend, I had a moment to really just take time to leisure, relax, not do anything.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: And in such a busy world, at such a busy time where it seems like everything's always moving, I'm appreciative to stop and just be and relax and chill and enjoy some leisure sometimes.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Not all the time, because too much of a good thing is a bad thing.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: But at moments when I need it, I'm grateful for it.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, let's get into it.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: Cause inner child be happening.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: My inner child, she was such a little precious ball of energy.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: She was just this light, she was looking at everything with so much wonder and so much fear and so much curiosity.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like she was just so full of life.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: And looking back on it, I know how interested she was in things and how deeply she saw things.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: And that kind of played into her fear and wonder and curiosity of everything.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: But she was just a real treasure.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm grateful to know her and to have even been her in my past life.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: Um, my family knows her as one thing, but for the sake of this episode, we go call her Lil'RJ.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: And Lil RJ loved life, loved people, loved playing, loved everything.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Just about love Lion King.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's why you see Simba over here.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Loved the color orange, was very creative, loved to draw, loved to watch TV, loved banana milk.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so mad they stopped selling banana milk.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: They make a banana strawberry now.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why did y'all go ahead and mess up a good thing?
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because the banana milk was fire anyway.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: But they just loved, they loved, and it was such a pure, innocent place that it was coming from.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: But she also took things very deeply, and she was also a part of parents who were young when they had her and learning things as they went in a world that did not really um care about children's emotional impacts like they do today.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: So there's a lot of things that she took in unconsciously that became triggers, that became unconscious beliefs, and really shaped her view of the world as she grew older into me.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: And how that shows up today is in moments where I'm triggered or emotional reactions.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: Before I didn't understand where it would stem from, or I thought it was just like it came from a childhood wound or something from the past.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: But today I fully understand that it is her coming to the surface and her response to different situations, triggers, things that have just come up that are triggering or touching on those unconscious beliefs.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, there have been moments where I feel like maybe my reaction is not warranted for the situation.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like maybe I respond too emotionally to something, and it's like, where is this coming from?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: I now know that that directly stems from her.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like, because I'm an adult, it might seem like they're small, but since it's stemming from literally a childhood place, these are big things, and it's not like random that I'm feeling these things, and it's not random that it's coming up.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: This is her way of letting me know she needs to be heard.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: And now I actually take the time to understand.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, this is you like trying to get my attention, trying to say you don't like something.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Let me do something about it, instead of looking at it with like shame or guilt or frustration, like I did before.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: There was one particular situation.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: I can't remember what all happened, but I think my wife told me like she was just expressing something that I did, like she didn't like, and it wasn't even like a big deal, like it didn't even turn into an argument.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like it was just like hey, like I don't like this.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Something about the situation like triggered something in me and made me feel like hurt, like like I just messed up, like I'm the worst human being.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: And we're talking about something small, like it like leaving a dish in the same, like it was something very, very small.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: But the way it really like hit me, I'm like, where is this coming from?
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because this makes no sense.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm too grown to feel this emotional about something like this.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: So I really had to sit with it because I was at the time in the place of really trying to sit and uncover things that are coming up for me, especially when it's emotional, like negative emotions.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: And through writing it out, sitting with it, it might have taken me like a couple days.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: I understood it was directly from something that I used to deal with when I was a child.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that was this fear of messing up, fear of feeling like I wasn't good enough, and it somehow manifested into this very small situation that happened that day.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: So once that happened, I'm like, oh man, like I have done a lot of work in therapy, but I never fully got to the inner child part.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: That was kind of like the next phase.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so that's when I realized like it was time for me to start paying attention to her.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so now I keep a photo by my desk and I look at her, talk to her, check in with her every day because I understand how present she is, and through this practice, she has become more present.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: So it's kind of like she's like an active person in my life that like nobody else sees or has met, but I really check in with her and try to nurture her and feed into her every day because I went many years of neglecting her and her feeling small and her feeling unheard, and that's how she used to feel when she was smaller or when she was actually present.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: So today I'm doing the work to heal those wounds that she has, which will ultimately heal the wounds that I have.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I think, like myself, um, a lot of people skip this step because we don't really see the connection in it.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: I know I didn't.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: I thought there were just like past events, like specific events that I needed to go back and resolve and heal and move on from.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: But it's like we had an entire childhood, many multiple years of learning, taking in, developing our own beliefs and perceptions of the world's triggers, emotional responses, things we don't like, things we feel people think about us and ways in which we have to show up.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like that literally happened during childhood, which is literally the foundation of like us.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like it set the groundwork for how we move in the world, who we are as people.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: But we think, because we're older, we could just move past it, and we're not really in a time where it's like you should pour into yourself.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's not the world around us.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's not what it's telling us.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's always telling us to keep moving on to the next thing.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: So nobody really has time to worry about their childhood wounds or their inner child, especially people who have their own children.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it just doesn't seem like a priority today.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so that's most likely why it gets stepped uh skipped.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Also, awareness.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of people don't even understand that those are things that are coming up, and sometimes people don't even care to dig deep into figuring out why things are coming up.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: So I get it.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not like faulting anybody.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, this is just kind of what it is.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: But now that I'm starting to do the work and have been doing it for a while, I can absolutely tell when it's me responding as an adult and her coming up and responding as the child.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: Even if these reactions aren't childish, I just can feel the weight of the trigger and know which place it's coming from.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk a little bit about her.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um, my baby loved to talk.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: She loved to talk, she loved to ask questions, she loved to tell stories and make-believe and recount and replay things that she saw on TV.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, my girl is a talker.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um, not a lot of people could handle that level of talking, except for my granny.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: She would let me talk her ear off.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much, granny.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you just let me get that off every time.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: But she could be a lot for people sometimes.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, especially when you are an adult trying to raise your kid and you go into work and you're dealing with people at work and traffic, and you come home, and this kid is just talking your ear off, and you are stressed to death.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like that can be a lot.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't imagine dealing with that today.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I get it.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: But you're in an environment where there seems to be a lot of stress all the time during a time where kids are like supposed to be seen and not heard, kind of.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um, which wasn't necessarily my case, but like there was just this understanding, which I still kind of feel is present today, that like just because you're a kid, like you don't go through things, and the adult like gets the respect, gets you just listen to the adult, you just do what the adult says, and it doesn't matter how you feel, you just need to do it, you need to be quiet, you need to stop crying.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like whatever was said went, and so she just learned to stop expressing herself, to not let people know when she's doing emotionally bad and just do what they said.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know, kids are smart and they adapt to things really well, and I feel that's exactly what little RJ did.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: She understood that she was too much, she picked up on people's responses, and she learned that being too much was unsafe or it was uh it posed a threat.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: So she started to shrink herself, and I think that really came about in middle school, where it seemed like anytime she spoke, she was always in trouble.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so that's like the worst worst it got.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: But for today's conversation, I'm speaking more so like four to like 10-year-old RJ, specifically like four, because that's the age I think of when I think of her.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like that young, little, precious little girl.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: But because she thought she was too much, especially as she got older, she learned that expressing herself, being vulnerable, was too much.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: And so that turned into older RJ, college RJ, being shut off, not expressing things, not letting out things emotionally until it's spilled over, and it's an explosion of emotions, whether that be tears from sadness or anger or frustration or manifesting because you don't know how to express yourself.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now you're depressed or you're full of anxiety, like not having an outlet except for basketball, but even in basketball, that's causing some issues, and she's still not letting it out.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: So it showed up in not releasing anything until there was no more room to hold it in.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: Then everything came out, which as you could imagine is not always great.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like the only time you release is when it's completely full.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like, no, that was a recipe for disaster, and sometimes it was, but she also thought that, and I'm still kind of unlearning it, my wife knows today, but like she felt like when she spoke, people really didn't listen.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: So it always surprised her when people could recall things about her because she never thought anyone was paying attention, and that showed up today in different relationships.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: Well, a few years ago, um, over the course of the past few years.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, wow, you're actually like listening and paying attention, and you are getting to know me.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I've gotten better, but that's still like probably the biggest thing that I deal with and learning, or just like sometimes feeling like this unconscious belief of not being good enough.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: Cause when I used to express things, it's like it would get shut down.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: So I felt like that was an indicator that I wasn't like good enough to show my full self.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: So sometimes I find myself still like holding back, not as much as before.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: We have definitely worked through some of it, but it is still things that I'm working to correct and fix, and I deal with.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um, because again, these things have set in on a foundational level because they were there during these core years of developing our perspective and perception of the world and how we see ourselves.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: So these are really like ingrained in me.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: So it's gonna take a little time to unlearn them.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: And unfortunately, you know, I think that's part of survival in situations that aren't centered on nurturing children with love and care.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: Again, I don't think it was any fault to anyone.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: I just don't think as a collective, as a culture, as a world, we didn't really have that until recently.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, kids were not really seen as people, they were seen as like kids, you know?
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: And now I think there's more understanding that these are people with emotions, with different things that they deal with, especially at that age.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like young kids, like even before teenagers, because people always say like teenagers are emotional, but like what about the younger, younger generation where they are trying to understand the world?
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's like someone I saw like a tweet or something where it's like you will hit a kid who doesn't know better, but not hit an adult that does know better.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not saying you should hit anybody, but like just like thinking of that fact, like, yeah, like people used to get or kids used to get whooped because they would like knock something over on accident, or they would do something that they were told not to do, but it's literally in their brain chemistry to kind of test autonomy, like that's how they learn, and they was getting their ass whooped.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: But this human man, adult man, can go out here and be reckless to go against everything morally, legally, do at whatever.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not like expected for him to get his hands like his ass whooped, you know?
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's just crazy that that was the default, like to harm children because they're essentially children doing children's things.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: Crazy.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: Again, I don't think nobody should get hit, like human or not, but it's just the fact that it was okay and acceptable and understood that you should hit the kid, but not the person who knows better.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, let me get back on topic.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_00: And did Lil RJ get whooped?
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, she did.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: She got whooped, not hella, but like, did she get that ass whooped?
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, she did.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_00: On both sides.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I don't want to say like sometimes I deserved it.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: I deserve to get in trouble for some things.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think anyone should get whooped.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that is just literally crazy to think of where that stems from.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like, as black people, we used to get whipped on plantations and shit, even after that, and then we turn around and do it to our children.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: Whew, that is crazy.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: There used to be a time where I believed in that, but today, like that, I just if you don't have patience to have a kid like today, like then I don't, you know, because like beating your kids is crazy, and I will never because I also understand the impact, and it didn't really change anything, it just made me scared of the person doing it, so yeah, but you know, Lil RJ was whooped, and so that made them made her like adjust her way of moving through the world because it's like now there's physical harm that could be happening, now there's emotional harm that could be happening.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel like I can say anything, so I just have to take this in and figure it out and move through the world as such, and then we just kind of move on and we age and we grow through life, but she is still back in that age, still dealing with all that emotional baggage, all those triggers and feeling unworthy, feeling like she's not good enough.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: And she's still running the show because she is set in again foundationally.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: So here I am in my 30s, and I'm still getting triggered by things that she doesn't like.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's how like strongly she's built in, you know, like that's how intense inner children are.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you work to cover it up or ignore it or put it out of your mind, like they are still there, and the more you focus on her or them, the more.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: More you pour into them, the louder they become, which is not a fearful thing, that's nothing to be afraid of because we aren't just bringing them up just to bring them up and really start fucking shit up.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: No, we need to nurture them, give them the things, and pour into them the things that we didn't have during that time.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like now we have an opportunity to do so, and so that is what I am doing today.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: Admittedly, I didn't really start to think about my inner child until I did the exercise, uh, the artist way, which I've talked about on a previous episode.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: But in the artist way, you have to write three pages of free from free-flowing thought every morning.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: You do a couple of exercises, and among one of those exercises, it's a 12-week program.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: You do weekly exercises, you do the pages every day, which is a commitment.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but in those exercises is something called the artist date.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: And the artist date is when you literally go on these personal dates with your artist, which is the person who brings out the creativity, the creative in you.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: And usually those are your inner child, it inner children.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: At least mine was.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: I was very creative, artsy, always cutting, pasting, gluing, drawing, coloring, painting, building something as a kid.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: So as I'm doing the artist's way last year, and I'm learning more about how much my inner child is growing and how important it is to pour into her.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_00: Just because you neglect the inner child don't mean she still ain't driving.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: Even if it's from the back seat, she's still there.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: It didn't make her disappear just because you forgot about her.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so I spent a lot of time doing things that, like, literally my younger self wanted to do.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: There was one day I drew, I did a puzzle, I watched a Spongebob, SquarePants, Marathon, and I ate snacks, and it was so joyful.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: I felt a little crazy because I'm like, bro, you're like 30 something doing this.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: You could be doing other things, but like really being intentional with spending time with her as if she is a living, breathing child in my world was super important.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: And through doing that, I got to understand more about her and change those beliefs that I had about her.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like, oh, you aren't like sensitive in the negative, you're sensitive in the positive, like you love, you aren't shy, you're terrified, you have anxiety, you feel like you can't speak up, you can't ask questions to help with your anxiety, so you're just afraid.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that really gave me an opportunity to start to pour into her, and that's kind of where this journey has taken me for the last year, year and a half.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: Some ways in which, like, I pour into her actively, like I'm checking in, like, really just like checking in to see how she's doing, like giving her the attention, seeing how she's feeling.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: When I have emotional things come up, if I understand this from her, like seeing what's being triggered with her and reaffirming her that it is okay.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: There was a situation um where I had to speak to someone from my family, and this person could have really triggered a lot in me.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_00: But before I did, I needed to check in with her because I don't want to send her to a state that messes us all up, nor do I want her to be triggered.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: So I really had to have this internal conversation about the purpose of having this conversation with this person, the goal, how it is not her responsibility to worry about anything.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: I will be here to protect her, like really giving her the things she needed to hear and feel when she was alive.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm that person pouring into her.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed as the adult, I understand like I need to spend time with her.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like, what I need to just do something leisurely childlike, and I'll draw, I will color something, I will turn on a movie that I like, that's like a cartoon, like something small just to show, like, hey, I'm listening, I hear you, and I am willing to do whatever you need to feel good.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_00: And usually that is the solution.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_00: It also looks like choosing different responses that maybe historically I would have chosen.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_00: So, uh especially early in my um relationship, I was also 10 years younger, but when there'd be issues that would come up um between my wife and I, like disagreements, it would get above where it really like needed to be.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like just because one person doesn't like something you're doing doesn't mean you have to be defensive or it needs to turn into this whole breakdown.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_00: But like that's how it was.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: Cause again, it's triggering these things within me.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_00: But today, even if like that situation where I did get that trigger and I didn't really understand like why it was hitting me so hard, like I still chose to not go like outside of the level of response that it required, because by doing that, it's also reinforcing and reaffirming to her that it is okay.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_00: There is no need to feel that deeply because that we aren't dealing with a real threat, you know?
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like showing up as the person that she needs so she can understand like, okay, we're fine, everything's fine.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_00: So, like, a mixture of these things is how I kind of pour into her on a daily basis.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_00: The biggest thing that I do is affirming her.
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_00: The reason why I have that picture by my desk, I put it up, especially when I was building out this platform, unemployed, trying to figure out what is next.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I was feeling a lot of unworthiness, a lot of frustration, overwhelm, like I couldn't do it.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I knew it was her.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_00: I knew she was afraid, she didn't want to fail, she didn't want to let anyone down.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I just needed to affirm her every day.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you can do this, you are worthy, you are smart, you're creative, you can literally do anything that you want.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_00: You've done anything that you wanted to.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_00: Anything you decided I'm going to do, you have done.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_00: And so, whatever is next in this chapter at the time, we didn't know, we're gonna do.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_00: There are times where I'm interviewing and I'm terrified because I've built so much anxiety around job interviews specifically.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, look, no matter what happens, like you are worthy.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like, this does not determine your worth.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: This does not determine how valuable you are or important or smart or anything that she needed to hear.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_00: I am affirming her.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_00: In moments today where I am just feeling like a lot, I'm checking in with her, I'm seeing how she's doing, I'm letting her know she's still great.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_00: She might be tired, she might be wanting to put it down, but she's doing such a great job.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then I'm giving her the time she needs.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm spending time with her doing things.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_00: Admittedly, specifically this last like couple months, it's been a little bit harder.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I've had the realization that I need to be more intentional with getting back to pouring into her.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's just really like a time constraint thing now.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so busy, but that's not an excuse.
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I think about her like she is a physical child.
• 31:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you can't neglect your kid just because you're busy.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like, they still need to be nurtured, they still need to be loved, they still need to be poured into.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I am back to figuring out ways to integrate this pouring into her into my new schedule.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's an integration, like the whole balance thing, you know, as we said, it that don't exist.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_00: So figuring out a way to get back into pouring her more frequently, pouring into her more frequently.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_00: And the thing I do fiercely, above all, is protect her.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_00: If I feel she's getting triggered, harmed in any way, like a physical child, I'm stepping in the middle.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: You she has nothing to worry about getting hurt.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I protect her with everything in me, and it's so interesting, like how I've personified her because she is me, but I really have separated her to understand like this little person needs protection.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_00: This piece of me internally needs protection.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: And when I tell you, I protect it with everything, I don't care who has to get cut off as a result.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_00: She is protected.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_00: She felt so scared all the time.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_00: I can't let anything happen to her.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_00: I can't let her live in this world and feel unsafe.
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_00: So uh she has nothing to ever worry about again because I am protecting her with my life.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, like I am little RJ's protector.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_00: And even though I do a great job of doing all these things, affirming, protecting.
• 33:08
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes things get in the way.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I feel guilty or like what are you doing?
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like because I'm ultimately talking about myself.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like sometimes I feel selfish for centering myself or like making it about me.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_00: But it's like, no, you need to.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_00: The only reason we feel selfish is because we live in a world that is created to make you seem like you're selfish if you're not doing for others.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, I'm not being selfish, I'm not being dramatic.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm actually doing really good work, and I'm doing it without a therapist because I need to get a therapist.
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_00: But when I do get a therapist, like I'm going to continue to do this work because it's vital, especially for my emotional well-being, which ultimately plays into everything else.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because if I'm messed up emotionally depressed, can't think straight, then everything else is out the window.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I also intellectualize the feeling instead of actually feeling it, because I'm so focused on trying to do the work to unlearn and fix and correct, and that can occasionally get in the way of actually like feeling and uncovering and correcting.
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_00: So that's something that tends to come up not often, but it does.
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_00: Occasionally, old coping mechanisms tend to get in the way.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_00: So sometimes when I get frustrated or feel like things are too much, I like to isolate.
• 34:52
  SPEAKER_00: Which occasionally, you know, you do need, but that's not the go-to answer.
• 34:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm trying to learn to move out of that and actually understand what's coming up for me so that I can do better and be better instead of leaning into old things that I used to do when I felt like I was causing harm in some way.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, I do recognize this, even though this isn't something that I personally personally deal with, but you could have family or a partner or friends who don't understand and therefore don't really support what you're doing.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_00: Fortunately, that is not the case.
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_00: My wife supports everything I'm doing, loves the fact that I'm doing this, and you know, helps me and helps her, uh, little RJ, in ways that like I didn't even know I needed.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_00: But that is a factor that people deal with.
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_00: So just to call that out, external people, especially when those people are close to you, can create some roadblocks.
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_00: But I really hope if you're doing this work, you continue to do this work and push past anything that might get in your way.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because as you do the work, things start to change, you start to feel better, your little you starts to become more alive and less of a trigger and like this place of negative emotion.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_00: Your reactions to things get shorter and less like consuming.
• 36:30
  SPEAKER_00: You start to catch triggers before it catches you off guard and you've exploded, and now you have to fix everything that you've bled onto, essentially.
• 36:41
  SPEAKER_00: Your relationships start to shift because you aren't expecting or asking people to show up and fill this void that you didn't have from childhood because you are filling that void and filling it with love and nurture yourself.
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, just like the relief of not going against yourself and being at war with yourself.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_00: And when I say at war, I mean this like tug of war, of trying to not feel what you feel because you are you and you've had your experiences and letting things be and letting it integrate into your life and fixing it all, if that makes sense.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_00: Inner child work is not easy.
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'd be lying if I said it was easy.
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_00: There are going to be tears, there's going to be frustration, there's going to be some questions that you might not ever get the answer to, or it might take you a long time, and one day it'll just click.
• 37:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's a journey, but it's just like anything else.
• 37:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if you really want it, you have to spend time with it, and you have to really like put forth effort.
• 37:59
  SPEAKER_00: Don't put forth any expectation, just like be open to learning and open to the experience.
• 38:07
  SPEAKER_00: This journey that I'm on is not a one-time fix, it is not a one-year fix.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_00: It is not something that I think I can like overcome.
• 38:18
  SPEAKER_00: I think this is going to be a long journey that will continue throughout my life, it'll continue to shift and it'll continue to change.
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because right now I'm only focused on one little piece.
• 38:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm at the 10 and below.
• 38:34
  SPEAKER_00: 11 to 19 whole different can of worms.
• 38:38
  SPEAKER_00: So be patient.
• 38:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna take time, it's going to be a process.
• 38:43
  SPEAKER_00: But if you are on this journey, I wish you luck.
• 38:48
  SPEAKER_00: I wish you peace.
• 38:49
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you are more about your little self that you didn't even know you had in you, and that allows you to be a more full, whole human in your current life.
• 39:01
  SPEAKER_00: And keep in mind, the little person that you are that lives inside you today is not a problem for you to solve, it's a piece of you to start to love.
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_00: You already know what time it is.
• 39:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's time for I Say This With Love.
• 39:20
  SPEAKER_00: As a reminder, if you would like to have your submission read during one of the episodes, you would visit that tiny URL link and submit your information there.
• 39:30
  SPEAKER_00: I keep ending up with people who need fixing.
• 39:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's a type for me at this point.
• 39:36
  SPEAKER_00: Every relationship, I look back and I was the one holding it together.
• 39:40
  SPEAKER_00: I managed the moods, made excuses, told myself if I just loved them right, they'd get better.
• 39:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I know easier said than done, but it's genuinely easier to pour into someone else's mess than to sit with my own.
• 39:57
  SPEAKER_00: So how do I actually stop doing this?
• 40:00
  SPEAKER_00: And please don't give me the Pinterest quote version of the answer, like actually, because knowing it's a pattern hasn't stopped me from doing it again.
• 40:13
  SPEAKER_00: I say this with love.
• 40:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's really hard to give you my full thought without understanding more about you.
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I really wish these could be like live conversations so we could like chop it up.
• 40:28
  SPEAKER_00: But I will say this because I know this without an absolute doubt.
• 40:33
  SPEAKER_00: You have established a pattern, you recognize that there's a problem and you are eager to fix it.
• 40:41
  SPEAKER_00: Simple solution.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_00: Get a therapist, get some sort of support.
• 40:46
  SPEAKER_00: I know therapy is not cheap, nor is it free.
• 40:49
  SPEAKER_00: They have different ways in which you can get therapeutic help for low to no cost.
• 40:57
  SPEAKER_00: Look up something, find you someone or some sort of resource that allows you to speak, to get support that can help you through this.
• 41:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because there are things like inner childhood wounds, past experiences, family upbringing, environment, different elements that you have that play into this, to where I can't give a full answer of what you need to do.
• 41:27
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 41:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm not gonna say it's not my wheelhouse.
• 41:32
  SPEAKER_00: I think I could give advice on this, but this is something that requires you to establish a relationship with therapists, them get to know you and give you some guidance, correction, and honestly, like curriculum to stick to to help you move through this.
• 41:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because this is something that is gonna take time, it's gonna take time, and it's gonna take someone keeping a close ear to the situation to course correct when you veer or when you make mistakes or when more things come up as you unlearn.
• 42:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because this is one of those topics that is just not solely that, like there's more underneath that, and it's gonna bring about more things that you need to examine.
• 42:21
  SPEAKER_00: So, um, yeah, I would look into getting a therapist because um that's something that's a bit harder to correct yourself, even though you have the awareness, which is great, but that is a great place to start.
• 42:39
  SPEAKER_00: All right, y'all.
• 42:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's it for today's episode.
• 42:43
  SPEAKER_00: As a reminder, make sure y'all are following us on the socials, hitting us on the email, and visiting the tiny URL link to submit for I Say This With Love.
• 42:53
  SPEAKER_00: Don't forget, like, comment, subscribe, share this out.
• 42:58
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure you're engaging with these videos and these episodes so we can continue to grow and expand.
• 43:05
  SPEAKER_00: Check out some of the previous episodes.
• 43:07
  SPEAKER_00: We just did an amazing guest episode with Dr.
• 43:11
  SPEAKER_00: Cornell and all the 30 some odd episodes before that.
• 43:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um, yeah, just take a look at everything.
• 43:20
  SPEAKER_00: Also, as an announcement, for the time being, we are sunsetting the Patreon.
• 43:27
  SPEAKER_00: We aren't taking it down.
• 43:29
  SPEAKER_00: The content that is up will still be available for you to look at.
• 43:34
  SPEAKER_00: But moving forward, at least through the end of this year, um, there won't be any more content being added.
• 43:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's just it's a lot.
• 43:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and there's a lot on my plate right now, and again, just me.
• 43:49
  SPEAKER_00: So uh we will be back, but for right now, what's up there is what's up there.
• 43:56
  SPEAKER_00: We will return and we will be back and better.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_00: But I appreciate y'all, and as always, I'm RJ.
• 44:05
  SPEAKER_00: This is the Alive I Guess podcast, and I'll see y'all same time next week.
• 44:16
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a little bit like it.