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Healthy & Redeemed | Forgiving Others and the Myth of Self Forgiveness · Military Broadcast Radio | MBR Talk

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Welcome to the Healthy and Redeemed podcast hosted by Healy
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Eicherd. Healy is a licensed counselor
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with a passion for helping Christians live healthier lives
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emotionally and spiritually. Each episode combines the truth
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of God's Word with practical advice to help you in your
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everyday life. Whether you want to grow
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emotionally, strengthen your faith, or handles life
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challenges with more peace, this podcast is for you.
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We're so glad you joined us. Let's get started.
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To God be the glory. Welcome to the Healthy and
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Redeemed podcast. I'm your host, Haley.
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Have you ever struggled with forgiveness?
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That's going to be our topic today.
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We're going to talk a little bit generally about forgiveness and
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how it can hinder our relationship with God and with
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other people, and even our own healing process.
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We're going to look at what the Bible says about forgiveness,
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God's own heart about forgiveness.
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We're going to look into restitution and reconciliation
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and what those have to do with forgiveness.
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And then we're going to briefly talk about the myth of self
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forgiveness. Several years ago, I answered
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God's call to lead a Bible study at my church, and I received a
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phone call about somebody inquiring about that Bible
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study. And it wasn't long into the
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phone call that this young lady begin telling me about her life,
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her struggles, her children, her divorce.
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And she also mentioned that she didn't feel close in a
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relationship with God at the present time.
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So I started talking to her about several things that could
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cause silence from God, specifically sin.
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And after I'd kind of gone through the list, she said,
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after hearing you say that, I know exactly what it is, what is
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causing the separation. And so I was quiet, of course.
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She said that since her divorce, she had very bitter feelings
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toward her ex. And she said that it she wasn't
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even sure that she wanted to forgive him.
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But she did realize that if she wanted her relationship with God
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to not be hindered any longer, that she was going to have to
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work through that. So many people go through life
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troubled about their relationship with other people
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and they struggle in their relationship with God.
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And normally it is because people fail to forgive those
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that hurt them. Forgiving means to give up
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resentment, the desire to punish, to stop being angry
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with, to let a debt go. You know, we have a need to be
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forgiven by God. We were born into this fallen
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world, a world where we all sin and we all fall short of God's
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glory. But God created us with a need
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to fellowship with him and with others, and our fellowship with
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God is hindered until we receive forgiveness.
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Why is that? God is a holy God.
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We just did a study a little, or actually I guess we're still in
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it on Revelation and it talks about that.
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This, I don't remember if it was the notes or who said this, but
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it said it was interesting. This was one of God's attributes
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that's repeated 3 times over. Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God
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Almighty. You don't find that with other
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attributes of God, but His Holiness is what stands out.
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God from the very beginning of time is offered forgiveness to
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His people. Throughout the Old and New
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Testament, we are presented with a salvation story in which God
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continually offers us redemption.
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He offers us a relationship that is only possible through
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forgiveness. Humanity heals through that
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forgiveness, and with forgiveness, you and I receive
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new life. Many of us have received this
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forgiveness from God. We realize that we've done
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nothing to deserve it, and we cherish it as a gift.
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But with this forgiveness of God comes another gift.
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As we bow before our Master and accept what He has given us, we
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rise up as a new creation. When someone realizes they're a
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Sinner and humbly accepts God's gift of mercy through Jesus
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Christ, something amazing happens.
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And although we may not look any different on the outside,
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something on the inside changes. Our desires, our attitudes, and
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our behaviors all change and we desire to obey God.
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Through God's forgiveness, we can actually be healed of our
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past and be made new in His image.
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And I am so thankful for that. That's how I became a new
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creation. This change can't come from
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other types of forgiveness, except that which God gives.
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Our family can forgive us, our friends can forgive us and, and
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that is important, but there's no other forgiveness that's
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going to change us like the forgiveness of God.
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Hallelujah. It is important to remember that
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the change that we experience may happen suddenly or it may
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happen gradually. And like me, maybe you have a
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mix of both of that. But God promises that all who
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are in Christ will be made a new creation.
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This transformation is the beginning of our wholeness as we
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learn to place everything at our Savior's feet.
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Accepting forgiveness from our Creator is an important step in
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healing and change. And another important step in
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healing and the growth process is forgiveness of others.
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So not just accepting forgiveness from God, but also
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our part in forgiving others. If we want good spiritual,
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mental, physical, emotional health, it will be important for
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us to forgive those who have hurt us.
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Let me read you a quote from the book When Counseling is not
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enough, the author writes Withholding forgiveness, which
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Foster's hate and bitterness is like a cancer.
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It eats away at 1 spiritually and emotionally, until 1's life
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is ruined. Forgiveness is not only right,
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it is always the best thing we can do for ourselves.
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You can think that your life is as bad as it can be because of
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what someone else has done to you, but it can get worse if you
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refuse to forgive. Wow, that's pretty powerful.
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So forgiveness is really difficult sometimes, especially
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when the hurt is deep and it is going to take some time.
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And sometimes we have to heal some before we can even get to
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the part where we want to forgive.
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Many people have really deep hurts and have to be allowed to
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work through all those emotions. We have to understand that
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forgiveness is not just trying to push the hurt out of our
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mind, it's not ever excusing someone for what they've done,
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and it's not just trying to forget it.
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Although forgiveness is not a cure all for every relationship
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trouble that we have, we can find healing when we deal with
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our sin, our guilt, and our lack of forgiveness in our lives.
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And although some people who might be considered mentally
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healthy will function fairly well in this world, true healing
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and growth comes from the forgiveness of God through Jesus
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Christ and the ability to forgive others with that same
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grace that we've received. Forgiveness is being forgiven,
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and it's also forgiving others. So whether we're accepting the
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forgiveness of God or extending forgiveness to others, both are
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very important to our healing process.
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I would like to look at a few scriptures about forgiveness.
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Let's look at Matthew 614 through 15 and see what Jesus
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says about forgiveness. For if you forgive other people
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when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also
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forgive you. But if you do not forgive others
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their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
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In Mark 1125 says, and when you stand praying, if you hold
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anything against anyone, forgive them so that your Father in
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heaven may forgive you your sins and that those were Jesus words
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also. So those are a couple very hard
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verses to hear. If you have people in your life
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you haven't forgiven. You know, over time forgiveness
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does cause bitterness. And the lady that I talked to,
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she was able to identify that it also can cause resentment, anger
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and even depression. As Christians, we can't live in
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fellowship with God with unforgiveness or the side
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effects of it. That is why those verses are so
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tough. If we hold on to unforgiveness,
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we actually, I believe, deny what Jesus did on the cross.
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We don't understand the gift that God has given us through
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His Son. What right would we have not to
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forgive someone their debt when we have been forgiven our own
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debt? I mean, we can't be prideful
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enough to say their debt is much worse because then we're putting
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ourselves in God's place when we don't forgive.
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And I hear just like you, all the evil things people do to
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other people all the time. What people do to the elderly,
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to children, to animals, and just to others in general.
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It's like heart wrenching and sometimes it even makes us sick
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to our stomach to hear true stories.
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But let me tell you this, and this is going to be hard to hear
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too. But if that offender, that
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person that has done that heinous act, went to the cross
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and sincerely repented, if they asked for forgiveness from God,
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God would forgive them. He would.
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I mean He knows the condition of their heart.
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So if they came to him and their heart was that of repentance, he
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would forgive. Our standard of judgment can't
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be higher than God's mercy. We don't want to have a heart
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like Jonah where we don't want to preach a message of
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repentance because we don't want to see the people repent and God
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Forgives them. And then we say, yeah, they
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don't deserve God's mercy. If we allow ourselves to think
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like that, we are the ones with the hard heart and we don't
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really understand or comprehend like we should our own position
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as a forgiving person. And friends.
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I hope that doesn't sound too harsh, but I really believe we
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need to be convicted in this area.
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The good news is all about forgiveness.
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So what are we thinking if we don't forgive?
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And sometimes people stumble on the part of well, I will forgive
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them once they come to me and recognize they did wrong.
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This concept of the other person having to come to you is not in
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the Bible. We do need to go to others if
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we've offended or hurt someone else.
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But please let me know where it says in the Bible that the
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offender must come to us for us to forgive them.
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I see a couple of things. We must go to God to repent of
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our sins, and then He will forgive us.
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And we have to forgive others, no matter how many times that
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person offends us or hurts us. As far as the act of forgiving,
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God doesn't say we wait for them to repent.
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We forgive because God has forgiven us.
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That's the standard. So we go back to that, the
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scripture that I started with, for if you forgive other people
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when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also
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forgive you. But if you do not forgive others
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their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
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That doesn't say wait till the person comes to say they're
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sorry and then you can offer your forgiveness.
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It just says God's forgiven you. You forgive.
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If you don't forgive, God doesn't forgive you.
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And I think the basis of that, again, is understanding the gift
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that God's given us. He is going to forgive them if
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they are sincerely repentant in front of him.
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We don't make that. We don't make that judgment.
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We're not God. Thank goodness.
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We forgive because God has forgiven us.
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That's the standard and so here are a couple other scriptures
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that state the standard. Ephesians 432 be kind and
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compassionate to one another, forgiving each other just as in
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Christ God forgave you. Colossians 313 says bear with
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each other and forgive one another.
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If any of you has a grievance against someone, forgive as the
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Lord forgave you. I believe that when we
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understand, or at least seek to understand God's heart on
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forgiveness, that that's actually going to transform our
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own. If you go to my website,
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writtenbyhaley.com, there's going to be a tab where called
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Free Resources where you can go to a limited access area and
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there you're going to find a lot of resources.
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And I have a resource, they're called Steps to Forgiveness and
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it's going to list out these steps with about 9 scripture
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references. And it's just a helpful one page
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resource that will help you begin to work through the
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forgiveness process. I will have that link in the
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show notes also. So some practical ways to
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forgive. First is we want to know God's
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heart on forgiveness. So I shared with you in the
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beginning some reasons why we need to forgive and talked
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through some Scripture references of why we need to
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forgive out of obedience. But it is so important to know
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God's heart on forgiveness. He does not take that lightly.
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Again, this is what the good news is.
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The more that you know about God's character, the more it's
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going to transform you. And He has a heart for His
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people. He wants them to come to Him
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because He wants to forgive them.
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The second practical step would be to pray for God's heart.
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I recognize because I am a counselor, so I hear these
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stories all the time of people that have been deeply hurt,
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deeply injured, deeply traumatized by evil acts of
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others. My heart breaks to hear that, to
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know that people have to go through that, that to know that
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people have to walk that out in their lives.
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But I promise you, God cares for you.
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He loves you, He sees you and He's with you and wants to heal
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you. And part of that healing for you
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is going to be that you get a heart after Him to forgive those
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deep, deep hurts. You will have to rely on God's
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heart within you. You have the Holy Spirit in you
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and he will help you. If you pray for God's heart,
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you'll be able to extend that as well.
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Step 3 is acknowledging the hurt.
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And so this is a, this is a big one because sometimes we just
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want to shove it aside, try not to think about it.
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We don't acknowledge that it was really painful.
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We don't acknowledge the fact that it really hurt us.
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Now, sometimes we do the opposite.
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All we do is think about the hurt that it's caused us.
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But there is a place in the middle where we acknowledge the
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hurt. We experience the pain, but
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we're willing to move past that. We're willing to feel that hurt,
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but then give that hurt to God. So we, we do want to feel it and
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acknowledge it. We don't want to minimize it or
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shove it away or try not to think about it.
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We, it happened and we need to acknowledge it.
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And Step 4 is to be praying over each of those hurts that were
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done to you, each evil act, each sinful act that was done to you
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or done to someone that you love.
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Pray over each one of those. And I find it helpful for my
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clients to write those things down and so that you can
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specifically pray over each one as you remember them.
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You just put it on your list and pray over each one.
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Do you want to teach your children godly traits such as
19:27
kindness, gratitude, and forgiveness?
19:29
The Red Ball is a story of Renata, a young girl who
19:33
receives a special gift. When that gift goes missing, she
19:37
is left to figure out what to do.
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Through her journey, she learns a lot about herself and what
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forgiveness really means. The lessons found in the book
19:45
can be made even more meaningful with the Red Ball Companion
19:49
Activity Book featuring over 30 activities.
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Both books are the perfect addition to any homeschool
19:56
curriculum or as a thoughtful anytime story.
19:59
Get your copy today and help your child build a heart that
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reflects Jesus. Step #5 is to pray for what to
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do next. Often times God might call us to
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reconcile in the relationship. Now that is going to take a lot
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of wisdom. That's why it's important to
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pray to see what God wants you to do because there's two things
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that we could do. God may ask us to reconcile with
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that person, and I will say this, if someone has greatly
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injured you and they are not well or healed or made any
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confession to the Lord, they haven't changed.
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They're still their old self. That would not be someone that
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you would reconcile with. Reconciliation takes a wisdom
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and it takes health. Now, if it's a slight offense,
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of course we're going to reconcile the relationship.
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Most things, if it's not an evil, heinous act, we can work
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through. A lot of times people are
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holding on to unforgiveness for stuff that can be worked through
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or talked through. It just means that someone has
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to go with a humble heart. So what happens if we are the
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person that has done wrong? Well, we are called to go to God
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and ask for forgiveness. We are to repent, and that means
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to turn away from our sin. So we don't just go to God, ask
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for forgiveness and keep on sinning.
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No, we go to God, we ask for forgiveness, and then we work
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our tail to the bone, relying on the Holy Spirit because He wants
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to help us not do that sin again.
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And that really shows a transformed heart when we're
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really working hard not to sin. And a lot of that's just the
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grace that the Lord gives us. And a lot, a lot of it is our
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own choices of what we're doing, where, where we are, what we're
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watching, what we're listening to.
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When Jesus says in Matthew about cutting off your right hand if
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it causes you to sin, I think that looks like a decision that
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we have to make. Do we cut things out of our life
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that are making us or tempting us or making it harder to avoid
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sin? If you're trying not to be a
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drunkard, well, going to the bar on Friday night should not be an
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option. That's when you need to not
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literally cut off your right hand, but you cut off that part
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of your life so that you're not in a tempting situation.
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If you're working to stay pure, you don't sit in the back seat
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of a dark car with the person of the opposite sex, like you're
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just setting yourself up, like you have to cut off some things
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in your life so you're not going to sin.
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If we sin, we go to God, we repent, we move away from our
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sin, we're asking him for forgiveness and He forgives us
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and we go confess to the person that we've hurt.
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That's what we're called to do. We go make things right with the
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person that we've hurt. Now, the other things we may do
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are reconcile or make restitution, and we talked about
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reconciliation. That is a wisdom matter and I
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think a prayerful matter that we have to think about if the
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person is healthy. You know how I feel about
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calling people toxic? That's not helpful.
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That's not healthy on our part. To do that, we want to do the
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best we can to be as healthy as we can in all relationships and
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especially if they're family members or someone like that.
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That's maybe not the healthiest. How do we stay healthy in the
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midst of those relationships? Because we can't just break off
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every relationship that causes us a little pain or is hurtful.
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That's not helpful and I don't think God calls us to do that.
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What does restitution look like? We don't talk much about
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restitution these days. A restitution means making
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something right or back to the way it was.
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So if I borrow something from someone and I lose it or break
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it, just the I'm sorry is not enough.
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We need to replace that item and maybe we need to do it four
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times over. Do you remember the story of
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Zacchaeus in Luke 19? I'll try not to break out in
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song. We start in verse 5 and it says
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when Jesus reached the spot, he looked up and said to him,
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Zacchaeus, come down immediately.
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I must stay at your house today. So he came down at once and
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welcomed him gladly. All the people saw this and
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begin to mutter. He's gone to be the guest of a
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Sinner. But Zacchaeus stood up and said
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to the Lord, Look, Lord, here and now I give half of my
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possessions to the poor, and if I've cheated anyone out of
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anything, I will pay back four times the amount Jesus said to
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him today. Salvation has come to this house
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because this man too is the son of Abraham.
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For the son of man came to seek and to save the lost.
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That my friends is what a changed heart looks like.
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We are willing to sacrifice because we understand salvation.
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Zacchaeus heart was transformed by Jesus.
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Maybe people saw him as a Sinner, but we know that
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Zacchaeus, he was a Sinner. But being in the presence of the
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Lord, he recognized what he had done wrong and he wanted to make
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restitution 4 times over. The sacrifice meant nothing
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because his heart was transformed by Jesus.
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That is a testimony, my friends. That's why we need to make
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restitution because Jesus changes us.
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If you've wronged somebody and you've confessed to the Lord,
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and then the next step is to go to in humble confession to the
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person that you've hurt. And believe me, I know that is
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hard. I have had to do this before.
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I had confessed my sin to God and I know he forgave me because
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I turned away from that kind of behavior.
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But God told me to go confess to the person I hurt when I was
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mentally healthy to do so. And that was a lot harder than
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even going to God because going to God is private.
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But going to someone else to confess your sin is, yeah, I had
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sinned against them, so that's why God wanted me to go.
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I was obedient, and God did really need me to be.
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If I hadn't have been obedient to Him, that disobedience would
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have hindered my relationship with God.
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We can't come to God's altar and not have tried to make it right
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with other people. We have to go confess our sin if
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it's against them to them. I did not reconcile that
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relationship with that person. That wasn't necessary.
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It wasn't appropriate and just. They were million miles away,
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but still, that wouldn't necessarily been appropriate.
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However, if God had wanted me to reconcile with that person, then
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I would have done my best to do that.
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But really, a lot of the times it is up to the other person
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that you've hurt whether they want to reconcile or not.
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We don't force it upon them. We don't guilt them into
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reconciling. We allow them to do with our
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confession whatever they want to do.
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They may yell at you, they may scream at you, but we don't
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worry about that. We do what God has called us to
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do. We humbly confess, we apologize,
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we ask forgiveness from them, we're kind to them.
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If we do need to make restitution, we do that.
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We do that because God tells us to do.
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Now, if you have done something wrong and you're struggling a
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lot with guilt, I want to let you know that your debt is paid
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in full. I will say this about guilt, the
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emotion of guilt. The emotion of guilt is meant to
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be a temporary emotion. It is designed to be a temporary
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emotion that causes us to repent when we feel guilty because we
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have legitimately done something wrong.
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It should make us go to God and repent of our sins and once we
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do that, we are forgiven and that emotion of guilt should be
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gone. If you still feel guilt after
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you've confessed to God, then that emotion that you're feeling
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is not guilt, it's condemnation, and that's not from the Lord.
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I want to talk about one more thing today and that is the myth
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of self forgiveness. This idea of forgiving yourself.
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I don't even know where it came from.
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I'm sure some psychology thing, I suspect that people probably
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felt guilty even after they repented and so they thought
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they needed to forgive themselves too.
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But I don't see this concept of self forgiveness in Scripture.
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Nowhere do I see this concept in scripture.
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And this is what I hear in my office a lot.
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And I hear this outside my office too.
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And I'm sure you have too. Maybe you've even thought it.
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I know this is the quote. I know God has forgiven me, but
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I can't forgive myself. And I want to say this in the
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nicest way possible. Also, do you hear how prideful
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that sounds? That your standard of
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forgiveness is higher than God's?
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Like I totally get it. I had a whole decade of sin.
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I repented but then couldn't walk in the forgiveness that God
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gave me. But when I was in prayer one
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day, God reminded me that once I lift up that sin to Him, it's
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gone. I'm a new creation.
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My sin is removed, though they are like scarlet now there's
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white as snow. And so I begin walking in God's
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truth of that. Anytime a condemning thought of
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how bad of a person I really was, I would replace it with I'm
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a new creation. I've already confessed that sin.
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It's gone through that transforming of my mind and
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walking in God's truth. That burden, that emotion was
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lifted off of me. I stopped going by my feelings
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on it. I went by truth.
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Truth renewed my mind and my life.
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So if you're in this boat of having a hard time forgiving
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yourself, I want to challenge you just a little bit.
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Simply accept God's forgiveness. That's not a feeling, it's an
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act. I mean, it's great if you feel
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forgiven after you confess it to God, but honestly, we can't rely
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on feelings to guide us in this. Truth needs to guide us.
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If you've gone to God and repented, except that you're
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completely and wholly forgiven, you don't need to forgive
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yourself. You need to accept God's
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forgiveness. And please walk in that
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forgiveness. Let me read a few more
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scriptures first. John 19 says if we confess our
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sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and
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purify us from all unrighteousness.
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So we are forgiven in Christ, not we need to forgive
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ourselves. Romans 81 says therefore there
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is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus because
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through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has
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set you free from the law of sin and death.
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And Psalm 51, four says against you, you only have I sinned and
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done what is evil in your sight. So you are right in your verdict
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and justified when you judge. God, not self, is our ultimate
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judge. The right response when we have
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done something wrong is to repent, receive God's grace and
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forgiveness, and then walk in that truth, working hard to
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conquer the sin. Here's some things to take away
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for us to think about this week. We are to forgive others because
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God tells us to do that. The one that has offended or
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hurt us, they don't need to come to us for us to forgive them.
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If we have hurt someone, we do need to go to them, apologize,
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ask for forgiveness and reconcile or make restitution if
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we need to. We reconcile only if
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appropriate. That is, if the other person
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wants us to, it's safe to do so, or God tells us to.
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Forgiveness is vital to a healthy relationship with God.
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Our guilt is meant to be a temporary emotion that leads us
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to repentance. Once we do that, that guilt
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should be gone. If you still feel guilty, that's
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condemnation. But we don't follow our
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feelings. We follow truth, right?
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True forgiveness comes from God, not from ourselves.
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I want to mention a a few things before we go.
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One is the thing that I mentioned earlier is I've got
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some free resources at my website.
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The steps of forgiveness is on there, just a one page resource.
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There's lots of resources on facing your fears, several
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anxiety resources, creating healthy thoughts, relaxation
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techniques. There is a one page resource on
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guilt and lots of other things that might be helpful for you.
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If there is something that you would like to see that might be
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an easy resource for me to create, please let me know that.
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There are also a few resources for kids on the website, so feel
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free to check those out. I really hope that you found
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this episode helpful. I hope that you've learned
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something new or maybe you're just more determined to become a
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forgiving person. Now let's go out live healthy
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and redeemed, reflecting Jesus Christ rightly in all that we
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do. Thanks again for joining me and
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Lord willing I will see you next time.
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Thank you for listening. The information provided is to
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be used as a resource. If you have a serious mental
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issue, we would encourage you to contact the therapist in your
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state.