Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / How to Manage a Boss Who Says One Thing Does Another
Transcript
- Lucas: You know the feeling. You leave a meeting with your boss, you have a clear action plan, you're confident about what you're supposed to do. And then two days later, they act like the conversation never happened. Luna: Oh, that's the worst. It's like you were in two different meetings. Lucas: Exactly. And it's one of the most quietly corrosive behaviors in a working relationship — a boss who says one thing and does another. Not necessarily malicious, but the effect is the same: you stop trusting anything they say. Luna: Right. And once trust goes, everything slows down. You start second-guessing every instruction, you waste time waiting for confirmation. Lucas: So let's talk about why it happens and, more importantly, what you can actually do about it. Because a lot of the standard advice — 'just talk to them' — doesn't work if the problem is structural. Luna: You mentioned structural. What do you mean by that? Lucas: I mean that bosses who do this usually aren't lying in the moment. They genuinely mean what they say when they say it. The gap opens up later because of how they process information, manage time, or handle pressure. A 2023 study in the Journal of Organizational Behavior found that about 40 percent of managers admit to making commitments they later cannot keep, and the top reasons were poor time management and fear of confrontation. Luna: So it's not always bad faith. That's… actually kind of helpful? It reframes the problem from 'my boss is a liar' to 'my boss has a workflow problem.' Lucas: Exactly. And that reframing matters because it changes your strategy. If it's malice, you look for a new job. If it's a workflow problem, you can build systems around it. Luna: Okay, systems. I'm listening. What's the first one? Lucas: The first one is real-time documentation. Not after the meeting — during the meeting. When your boss says something like 'I'll approve the budget by Thursday,' you say back, 'Great, so I'll send the revised proposal to you Wednesday, and you're okay with me following up Thursday afternoon if I haven't heard from you?' Luna: That's not accusatory. It's just confirming the plan. Lucas: Exactly. You're not saying 'I don't trust you.' You're saying 'I want to make sure we're aligned.' Most bosses will actually appreciate the clarity. And if they push back, that's data — it tells you there's a reason they don't want to commit. Luna: What if they agree in the meeting but still don't follow through? Then what? Lucas: Then you escalate the documentation. Send a brief follow-up email right after the meeting: 'As discussed, I'll send the proposal Wednesday, and you'll approve by Thursday. Let me know if anything changes.' That email becomes your anchor. When Thursday comes and nothing happens, you forward that email to your boss with a short note: 'Checking in on this — let me know if you need anything from me.' Luna: That's such a clean move. It's not passive-aggressive, it's just factual. And it creates a paper trail without being dramatic about it. Lucas: Right. And the paper trail matters because eventually, if this pattern persists, you may need to raise it with your boss's boss or HR. At that point, you're not complaining about a feeling — you're pointing to a series of documented broken commitments. Luna: But I imagine a lot of listeners are thinking, 'I don't have time to write a follow-up email after every single conversation.' Lucas: Fair point. So you don't do it for every conversation. You do it for the conversations where commitment matters. A good heuristic: if the outcome of the conversation affects your ability to do your job within the next week, document it. If it's a casual brainstorm, skip it. Luna: Okay, that makes sense. What about bosses who are inconsistent in a different way — they say yes to everything in meetings, but then change their mind after talking to someone else? Like they get influenced by other stakeholders. Lucas: That's a specific subtype. It often comes from a boss who is conflict-averse and wants everyone to be happy. So they say yes to you, and then someone else asks for something contradictory, and they say yes to them too. Then they have to pick, and they don't tell you. Luna: So the strategy there is different. Lucas: It is. With that boss, you need to proactively surface the trade-offs. Frame your request in terms of what else might not get done if they say yes. Say something like: 'If I prioritize this project, the Smith account report will slip by a week. Are you okay with that?' That forces them to make a real choice, not a hypothetical one. Luna: And if they still waffle? Say 'Let me check with so-and-so'? Lucas: Then you say, 'Would you like me to set up a quick three-way call with them so we can all align?' You're not being difficult — you're helping them resolve the conflict they're avoiding. And you remove yourself as the bottleneck. Luna: That's a smart escalation. It transfers the coordination work to the person who actually has the decision power. Lucas: Exactly. And sometimes you just have to accept that your boss is never going to be reliable on their own. So you build your own schedule around that. If you know they're flaky, don't let your next step depend on their action. Try to make your next step something you can do without them, and only loop them in at the last possible moment. Luna: That's almost like managing a remote server that has a high latency. You buffer your tasks so you're never waiting on the slow node. Lucas: Exactly. And that's the mindset shift. You stop expecting your boss to change. You change your own system. Once you accept that this is just how they operate, you can stop being frustrated and start being strategic. Luna: It's harder than it sounds, though. I think a lot of us have this hope that if we just explain it clearly enough, they'll finally get it. Lucas: And sometimes they do. But if they haven't changed after three or four conversations, they're not going to. At that point, the only variable you control is your response. Luna: And that response can include leaving, if the pattern is bad enough and you have options. Lucas: Absolutely. But most people aren't in a position to leave tomorrow. So in the meantime, you need tactics. And the tactics all come down to one principle: make the implicit explicit. Put dates, names, and deliverables into writing. Confirm next steps aloud. And never assume that a vague 'sounds good' means anything is settled. Luna: That's a good rule of thumb right there. 'Sounds good' is not a commitment. Lucas: It's not. And if you get into the habit of clarifying commitments in the moment, you'll find that some bosses actually start to follow through better — because they know you're going to hold them to it. You're not being aggressive, you're being clear. And clarity is a form of respect. Luna: You know, talking about respect — I think one reason we're able to have these conversations without ads is because our listeners value straightforward, no-nonsense advice. And we keep it that way intentionally. If you've found this episode useful and want to support that approach, you can find us at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It helps us keep doing what we do, without any sponsors or interruptions. Lucas: Yeah, we really appreciate that. It means we can focus entirely on what's useful for you, not what's useful for an advertiser. So thank you if you've ever contributed. Luna: Alright, back to the topic. One thing I want to circle back to: you mentioned the 'yes to everyone' boss. I had one of those. And I found that sometimes the inconsistency wasn't just about avoiding conflict — it was about being information hoarders. They'd say yes, then learn something new from someone else, and change their mind without telling me. Lucas: That's a great point. Information asymmetry. They know things you don't, and they don't share. The fix there is to make your information sharing reciprocal. When you present a plan, include a brief note on assumptions: 'I'm assuming we have budget for this, and that the client deadline hasn't moved. If either of those changes, please let me know before Friday.' That gives them a clear trigger to update you. Luna: So you're basically creating a shared reality. You're saying 'here's what I believe to be true — correct me if I'm wrong.' And that invites them to fill in the gaps. Lucas: Exactly. And sometimes they won't. But at least you've given them the opportunity. And if they still don't correct you, and then later act based on info you didn't have, you can point back to that email and say, 'I asked if anything had changed, and I didn't hear back, so I proceeded.' That's a defensible position. Luna: It's also exhausting, honestly. Having to build all these systems just to get a straight answer from your boss. Lucas: It is. And that's why I think the ultimate strategy is to decide how much of your energy you want to invest in fixing this relationship versus investing in your own exit. If you're spending 20 percent of your week just managing your boss's inconsistency, that's a huge tax on your productivity and your peace of mind. Luna: So it's a cost-benefit calculation. And the cost might be high enough that you start looking. Lucas: Right. And if you do start looking, the good news is that you've now developed a superpower. You know exactly what to ask in interviews to avoid this pattern again. Ask questions like: 'How do decisions get communicated here? Can you give me an example of a time a team's priorities shifted mid-quarter? How was that handled?' Luna: Those are great. They force the interviewer to reveal whether they have systems or just vibes. Lucas: Exactly. And that's the goal — not just surviving a difficult boss, but learning to spot the pattern before you're in it again. Because the truth is, you can't change your boss. But you can change how you work with them, and what you choose to tolerate. Luna: I think that's a good place to leave it. One concrete action for listeners: pick one conversation this week where a commitment matters, and try the real-time confirmation technique. Just say 'So to confirm, you'll get back to me by Thursday.' See what happens. Lucas: I love that. And if they look surprised, you've already learned something. Thanks for listening, everyone.