Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #6: Is praise really a problem?

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#6: Is praise really a problem? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:04
  Speaker 1: Good day everybody, and welcome.
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: This is the all new Positivity Podcast, episode number six.
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Hello.
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  Speaker 2: My name is doctor Justin Coilson, and this is the
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  Speaker 2: podcast that's dedicated to making your life, your work, and
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  Speaker 2: your family happier.
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  Speaker 1: As you know.
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  Speaker 2: This was the Happy Families podcast until the recent change.
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  Speaker 2: But this week and next week I'm keeping with the
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  Speaker 2: families theme because there's a few things that I really
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  Speaker 2: want to share with you, things that I've talked about
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  Speaker 2: in previous podcasts that I want to get out and
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  Speaker 2: make sure that I really explain clearly before the change
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  Speaker 2: becomes complete.
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  Speaker 1: If you've heard in the last couple of.
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  Speaker 2: Podcasts that I've shared with the exception of last ones
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  Speaker 2: about pocket money, the issue of praise has come up
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  Speaker 2: again and again and again, and a few people have
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  Speaker 2: taken me to task over it, particularly on Facebook. As
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  Speaker 2: you've probably noticed, I'm not a proponent or an advocate
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  Speaker 2: of praise at all. In fact, I'm quite open about
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  Speaker 2: suggesting that as a general rule, we are best off
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  Speaker 2: not praising our children at all. I know it's a
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  Speaker 2: controversial position to take, particularly when so many parenting experts
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  Speaker 2: are out there saying that we should. How do they
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  Speaker 2: say it catch your children doing something right and praise
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  Speaker 2: them for it. Well, why would I be so anty praise?
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  Speaker 2: I mean, it makes me sound like I'm a cranky
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  Speaker 2: old man who doesn't love his kids. And if you
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  Speaker 2: know anything about me, you'd know that nothing could be
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  Speaker 2: further from the truth. It's actually because I love my
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  Speaker 2: kids that I don't praise them.
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  Speaker 1: Is that confusing enough for you? Why would I be
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  Speaker 1: so anty praise?
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  Speaker 2: Well, I'm going to clear it up for you in
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  Speaker 2: just a minute, and I'll also give you a little
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  Speaker 2: bit more detail, based on some research to help you
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  Speaker 2: to know exactly what I mean and why.
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  Speaker 1: I'll actually give you five scientific.
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  Speaker 2: Reasons that we need to ease up on praise, and
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  Speaker 2: I'll give you a handful of ideas for what to
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  Speaker 2: do instead, because I'm not going to suggest that we
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  Speaker 2: give our kids no feedback at all, and I'm particularly
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  Speaker 2: not going to say that we're supposed to be criticizing them,
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  Speaker 2: which is what a lot of people think that I'm
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  Speaker 2: on about.
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  Speaker 1: Not true.
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  Speaker 2: Also, in today's ask doctor justin, I'm going to be
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  Speaker 2: helping out a mum who is struggling with a toddler.
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  Speaker 2: Aren't we all who keeps on hitting and lashing out
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: and my parenting hack this week is a surefire winner.
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  Speaker 2: If you've got bored little ones anyone under about the
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  Speaker 2: age of seven, this will keep them occupied for hours.
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  Speaker 3: Are you pulling your hair out because your child won't listen,
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  Speaker 3: won't do what your request? Do you find yourself shouting
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  Speaker 3: at the children because you just don't know what else
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  Speaker 3: to do. Do you have a child who's aggressive or
• 2:27
  Speaker 3: hurting you or his or her siblings, Or are you
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  Speaker 3: dealing with a child that is back chatting or disrespectful.
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  Speaker 3: Are you finding parenting more challenging than you ever thought possible?
• 2:37
  Speaker 3: Doctor Justin Coulson provides one on one parenting coaching via
• 2:41
  Speaker 3: Skype or phone and can help you with parenting coaching.
• 2:45
  Speaker 3: You'll receive personalized individual guidance design specifically for your family's
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: unique circumstances. Find solutions to the parenting problems that are
• 2:54
  Speaker 3: driving you crazy, effective discipline strategies where you can stop
• 2:58
  Speaker 3: being the drill sergeant, a better relationship with your children,
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  Speaker 3: and a happier home where everyone looks forward to being together.
• 3:05
  Speaker 3: For more details, and a coaching package that will suit you,
• 3:09
  Speaker 3: visit Justinculson dot com. Forward slash coaching.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, I want to try an experiment on you. Imagine
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  Speaker 2: that we're friends, we're having a chat, and I looked
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  Speaker 2: at you and said, you're such a good person, or
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  Speaker 2: perhaps I smiled and said you're awesome, you're the best,
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  Speaker 2: or maybe even I just told you you're a good parent.
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  Speaker 2: Did you notice my tone. Maybe maybe we're driving somewhere
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  Speaker 2: and I glance at you and say, oh, good driving,
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  Speaker 2: or you say something to me like that and I.
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  Speaker 1: Say, oh, you're clever, nice thinking.
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  Speaker 2: There's every chance that if we spoke to each other
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  Speaker 2: like that, we'd think we were sort of having a
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  Speaker 2: lend of one another.
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  Speaker 1: Or you'd feel if I said that to you that
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  Speaker 1: I was being really patronizing.
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  Speaker 2: I'm kind of putting you in your place, or maybe
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  Speaker 2: you might think I'm trying to manipulate you. It's almost like,
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  Speaker 2: especially in the case of the driving one, you might
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  Speaker 2: be thinking, Justin didn't think that I can drive properly,
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  Speaker 2: that's why he's saying good driving.
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  Speaker 1: Well, these are just some of the perils of praise.
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  Speaker 1: We think as.
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  Speaker 2: Grown ups that when we say nice things to our kids,
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  Speaker 2: when we praise them, that we're building them up, that
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  Speaker 2: we're making them feel better about themselves. But the reality
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  Speaker 2: is Research debunking the myth of praise as being useful
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  Speaker 2: has been published since the nineteen seventies. Praise is one
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  Speaker 2: of those sacred parenting cows, though. It's one of those
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  Speaker 2: things where if you tell them that she should stop
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  Speaker 2: saying good boy, and good running and great sharing, good cleaning,
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  Speaker 2: watch what happens.
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  Speaker 1: If you try that.
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  Speaker 2: It's like you've just said that she should never eat
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  Speaker 2: chocolate again, which is a terribly dangerous move. Well, I
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  Speaker 2: don't know if I should have said that. I hope
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  Speaker 2: I don't get in trouble for saying that one. For
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  Speaker 2: the past forty of fifty years at least, the mantra
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  Speaker 2: from many, many experts has been that we should catch
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  Speaker 2: our kids doing something right and praise them for it. Well,
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  Speaker 2: let me give you a quick reality check. Can and
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  Speaker 2: we can do a lot worse to our kids than
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  Speaker 2: praise them. Praise is not as bad as a lot
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  Speaker 2: of other things which are terribly harmful. However, there are
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  Speaker 2: some really concerning outcomes that our children might experience when
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  Speaker 2: we do praise. And that's what I want to talk
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  Speaker 2: to you about today. And that's why I don't praise
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  Speaker 2: my kids. So, first off, here are the five big
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  Speaker 2: problems with praise that I've identified as I've done my
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  Speaker 2: own empirical research, and I might add I've actually done
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  Speaker 2: my own study on this with about one hundred people
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  Speaker 2: at the University of Queensland some years ago. First off,
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  Speaker 2: praise undermines empathy. Let's get clear on what empathy is. First,
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  Speaker 2: empathy is when we feel what other people are feeling,
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  Speaker 2: when we feel in our heart what's going on in
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  Speaker 2: other people's life and experience. It's about being able to
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  Speaker 2: see that someone's feeling distressed and having your heart go
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  Speaker 2: out to them so that you actually you more or
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  Speaker 2: less feel distressed for them and with them, although hopefully
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  Speaker 2: you're feeling it in a helpful and a problem solving way.
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  Speaker 2: So how does praise make our.
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  Speaker 1: Kids less en pathic? Well, researchers have found that children
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  Speaker 1: who are praised excessively and I will add this is
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  Speaker 1: excessive praise may often be more likely to be bullies.
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  Speaker 1: It seems like.
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  Speaker 2: The praise might do two things. First Off, it overinflates
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  Speaker 2: their sense of self. They simply feel like they're better
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  Speaker 2: than all the other kids because mum keeps telling me
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  Speaker 2: how good I am, and therefore they feel like they
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  Speaker 2: can push other kids around. My mum says I'm the
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  Speaker 2: best speller or the best footy player and you're not,
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  Speaker 2: and I'm better than you.
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  Speaker 1: It's that kind of thing.
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  Speaker 2: And I know it might sound far fetched to us
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  Speaker 2: as grown ups, but kids can really genuinely take things
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  Speaker 2: quite literally, and the data tells us that there is
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  Speaker 2: a strong link. In fact, it's been shown experimentally. Here's
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  Speaker 2: the second reason that it can undermine empathy. Some kids
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  Speaker 2: actually get caught up in defending the fact that they're special,
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  Speaker 2: or that they're smart, or that they're super and in
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  Speaker 2: so doing, they might actually bully other kids just to
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  Speaker 2: prove how great they are.
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  Speaker 1: They forget that other people are people as well.
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  Speaker 2: Second problem with praise is this praise can actually undermine
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  Speaker 2: intrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation is when we are genuinely motivated
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  Speaker 2: to do things just for the sake of doing them,
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  Speaker 2: because we just like doing them.
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  Speaker 1: So let me quickly go back to that first point.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I personally don't think that there's a whole lot
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  Speaker 2: of bullying or empathy being lost because of praise.
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  Speaker 1: It does happen.
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  Speaker 2: But I think that this second problem is really quite
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  Speaker 2: a serious one, because the data convincingly tell us that
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  Speaker 2: by praising our kids, they actually lose interest in what
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  Speaker 2: we're asking them to do.
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  Speaker 1: They think, gee, if.
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  Speaker 2: They have to verbally reward me for doing this, it
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  Speaker 2: mustn't be worth doing. We can actually create praise junkies,
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  Speaker 2: and they think that if we have to keep on saying, oh,
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  Speaker 2: you're such a good boy for doing that, well, gee,
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  Speaker 2: it mustn't be a very good thing for me to
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  Speaker 2: have to do on my own. It's just as well
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  Speaker 2: they're praising me for it, otherwise I would never do it.
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  Speaker 2: We can, actually, like I said, create these praise junkies
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  Speaker 2: because they actually start doing things just to be told
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  Speaker 2: that they're good kids, rather than for the sake of
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  Speaker 2: doing the thing. And there's dozens of studies that support
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  Speaker 2: this idea that intrinsic motivation to do something can be
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  Speaker 2: undone by praise. I will endeavor to put a list
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  Speaker 2: of some of these studies in the show notes on
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  Speaker 2: the web page for some people.
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  Speaker 1: Who are interested, because I know that this is one
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  Speaker 1: of those very contentious things. The really interesting thing about
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  Speaker 1: some of.
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  Speaker 2: These studies though, is the praise can actually get the
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  Speaker 2: kids really excited in the moment, But after the praise stops,
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  Speaker 2: this is where it gets quite quite quite quirky, quite clever.
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  Speaker 2: Kids are happy to keep doing whatever it is that
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  Speaker 2: they're being praised for in the moment. But once we
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  Speaker 2: stop praising, that's the point that they lose the interest,
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  Speaker 2: and they lose it fast.
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  Speaker 1: It's almost as though.
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  Speaker 2: The praise was controlling their interest and once the praise
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  Speaker 2: was gone, well, not interested anymore.
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  Speaker 1: I can go and focus on something else. Okay.
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  Speaker 2: The third reason praise diminishes performance. There's a bunch of
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  Speaker 2: studies that have demonstrated that when we praise people, tell
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  Speaker 2: them how smart they are, how good they are, how
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  Speaker 2: clever they are, it leads to poorer performance. It seems
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  Speaker 2: that when our children sense that they're going to be evaluated,
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  Speaker 2: they actually do worse on tasks, and evaluation is what
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  Speaker 2: praise actually is. You're so smart, you're such a great sister,
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  Speaker 2: you're such a great sharer. They're really evaluative statements, and
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  Speaker 2: some researchers have suggested that praise actually increases pressure to
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  Speaker 2: live up to previous expectations, and so kids.
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  Speaker 1: Actually underperform because they're feeling so pressured. What will I
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  Speaker 1: be able to do? Will mums still love me if
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  Speaker 1: I can't do it as well this time as last time? Well,
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  Speaker 1: Dad still think that I'm a good girl. There's one
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  Speaker 1: really cool example of this.
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  Speaker 2: Social psychologist Roy Bourmaster conducted a study. It was only
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  Speaker 2: a small study, there were only forty two students that
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  Speaker 2: were involved in this, but the participants were praised for
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  Speaker 2: doing well in a video game, which is a skilled task.
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  Speaker 2: They've got to learn how to do it. They spent
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  Speaker 2: thirty minutes practicing how to play the game then, and
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  Speaker 2: while they were practicing, their scores were recorded during that
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  Speaker 2: practice phase, and they were told that they were going
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  Speaker 2: to participate in fifteen performance trials and they were give
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  Speaker 2: goal to work towards. Now, the goal was a round
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  Speaker 2: about their third highest score achieved in practice, so certainly
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  Speaker 2: not impossible to achieve, and they've been practicing for thirty minutes,
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  Speaker 2: so they.
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  Speaker 1: Should be able to get there. And when the goal
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  Speaker 1: was achieved, the.
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  Speaker 2: Experimental would just say something like, ah, good job or
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  Speaker 2: very good. In other words, they'd praise them, and the
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  Speaker 2: praise led to the person trying harder which you would
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  Speaker 2: probably think would be a good outcome, But as they
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  Speaker 2: tried harder, they actually recorded significantly reduced subsequent performance on
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  Speaker 2: each trial, and so Bollmaster and his research colleagues argued
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  Speaker 2: that participants were becoming more self conscious because of the praise,
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  Speaker 2: and that undermined their ability to do well at the
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  Speaker 2: task even though they were trying harder.
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  Speaker 1: And there were some.
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  Speaker 2: People who said that the praise was followed by poorer
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  Speaker 2: performance because that's because the scoring was.
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  Speaker 1: Scoring that high was.
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  Speaker 2: Unusual and really hard, but the research doesn't really point
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  Speaker 2: to that as being a justifiable excuse for what happened.
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  Speaker 2: It seems that the praise led to poorer performance. Praise
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  Speaker 2: has also been shown to reduce creativity, and experiments have
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  Speaker 2: been shown to reduce problem solving ability and interest in
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  Speaker 2: taking on difficult tasks. Praise simply doesn't do good things
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  Speaker 2: for our children, whether it's on the sports field or
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  Speaker 2: playing music or wherever it might be.
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  Speaker 1: Don't praise them.
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  Speaker 2: They'll actually feel extra pressure and they'll usually underperform because
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  Speaker 2: they're feeling evaluated. Okay, the fourth thing praise can undermine
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  Speaker 2: self belief. Meyer was a researcher. He and his colleagues
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  Speaker 2: found that students who were praised for their work in
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  Speaker 2: the classroom believed that the teacher must think that they
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  Speaker 2: didn't have very much ability, and therefore the praise was
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  Speaker 2: to kind of boost their belief in themselves. And this
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  Speaker 2: finding has been replicated several times as well. And the
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  Speaker 2: fifth reason what praise can undermine relationships If children don't
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  Speaker 2: believe what we're saying, if they think that the praise
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  Speaker 2: is in in sear if they think that we're manipulating
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  Speaker 2: them or we're evaluating them, then the praise goes negative
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  Speaker 2: on the kids, and it goes negative in terms of
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  Speaker 2: our relationship with our kids. And I let me give
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  Speaker 2: you a quick bonus six threes and as well, praise
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  Speaker 2: is often seen in many cases says I value you
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  Speaker 2: as a person when you please me. In other words,
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  Speaker 2: it's contingent. It makes the relationship feel contingent, it makes
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  Speaker 2: self worth feel contingent. And when kids don't get the
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  Speaker 2: praise they're used to, they actually feel like they're unworthy.
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: They feel like they're not good enough. And that's not
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  Speaker 2: the message that we're trying to send, which is really
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  Speaker 2: interesting because we think that we're boosting them when we
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  Speaker 2: praise them. So, just to recap, praise undermind's empathy. It
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: underminess intrinsic motivation, It underminds performance, It underminds self belief,
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  Speaker 2: it undermines relationships.
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  Speaker 1: Ouch.
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  Speaker 2: So it's time to take that poster off the wall
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  Speaker 2: that says one hundred and one ways to praise your kids.
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  Speaker 2: So you're probably thinking, well, what do I do? Can't
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: I say anything good to my kids? Yes you can,
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: and yes please do. What you can do is this.
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  Speaker 2: First off, express gratitude. When you see that your child's
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: done something you value. Say thank you, Hey, thanks for
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  Speaker 2: cleaning up your room. I really appreciate it. I'm really
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  Speaker 2: great for you. Eight all your dinner tonight. It's going
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: to help you grow even bigger and stronger. When you
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: share your toys with your friends, it makes me feel
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  Speaker 2: grateful and it makes your friends feel grateful too. Don't
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  Speaker 2: express gratitude in a manipulative way or in a controlling way.
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  Speaker 2: Just say thanks when you mean it, and say it
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  Speaker 2: like you mean it. Second thing you can do describe
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  Speaker 2: what you've seen them doing, rather than evaluating what they did.
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  Speaker 2: I know that sounds a bit confusing, but let me
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  Speaker 2: give you some examples of that. Let me break it
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  Speaker 2: down for you. I know that you think that your
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  Speaker 2: kids have done something great, but break it down so
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  Speaker 2: that you're talking about what you've noticed rather than what
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  Speaker 2: you're evaluating. You might say, Gee, the kitchen looks so
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  Speaker 2: much cleaner than before. I can tell you worked really
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  Speaker 2: hard on that. Or you might say when you're out
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  Speaker 2: on the sports field or on the netball court or
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  Speaker 2: whatever it is, I noticed how hard you were concentrating
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: on doing that stuff that we practiced during the week.
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: All things like wow, when you played that song on
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: the piano, your fingers seemed right and you had all
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: the allows and softs in the right places. Or you
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: might say something like when your sister shouted at you,
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  Speaker 2: I heard you speak softly and kindly back.
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  Speaker 1: How do you think that made things better?
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  Speaker 2: It might feel a bit awkward at the start, and
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  Speaker 2: I know that some people might say, well, that sounds
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: like praise anyway. I suppose if you want to be
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: really pedantic, you might say that you're praising the process
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  Speaker 2: or the effort rather than praising the outcome.
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  Speaker 1: The third thing that I.
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  Speaker 2: Really like is if we ask our kids to do
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  Speaker 2: their own evaluating we might say after we've seen what
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  Speaker 2: they've done, or after we've said thank you, we can
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: say things like, how did you feel about that? Or
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: what did you notice about how you felt when you
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: did that? Or what did your friends say? How did
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: they react when you made that decision. It's all about
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: getting them to make up their own mind. Another thing
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  Speaker 2: that you can do, and I really think this is great,
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  Speaker 2: is to just be encouraging, because we're not about not
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: making them feel good. It's just about not praising them.
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: So teach your kids that effort brings reward when they
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: do something difficult. Instead of praising them for it, talk
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: with them about that process that they're going through, about
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  Speaker 2: doing one bit at a time, about useful strategies that
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: they can employ, and then at the end of the process,
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: be supportive again by talking about the effort that you
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: saw them using and the outcome that they've achieved. You
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: might say things like I know.
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  Speaker 1: It's hard, but keep it up, or you might say, in.
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  Speaker 2: Our family, we do hard things and right now you're
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: doing something hard as well.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: You can even just ask how can I help. I'm
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: watching you work at this, and I can see that
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  Speaker 1: you're making progress. You want to help.
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: What do you want to keep going on your own?
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: If you keep it up, you'll be able to do this.
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: It's that kind of conversation, Wow, you worked really hard
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: at this. I saw what you did. You did in
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: little bits, and now it's finished. You've done something really
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: hard and now it's done. How does it feel to
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: know that you can do that? So that's very encouraging,
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: But it's not praising. So let's wrap this up. It's
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: praise bad I for your children. Well, the short answer
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: is surprisingly yes. Obviously a little bit's not going to hurt.
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: But it's better to simply not get into the habit
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: when we deliver it in an insincere way or a
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: controlling way. When we're delivering it because we think that
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: we need to manipulate our children's behavior, it's ineffective at best,
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: it's damaging at worst. I think that at the end
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: of the day, praise is just cheap. It's often this
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: broad character assessment you're such a good boy, that we
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: give away easily. It can be confusing, and it's easily
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: taken back ten seconds later if the kid's doing something
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: that we don't approve of leads to lower motivation, especially
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: later on if it isn't kept up, and it can
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: lead our children to question themselves.
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: If they're not getting it when they expect it.
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: Good girl, good running, good sharing, great helping, great tidying,
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: good boy, you know what I think? Good praising Yes,
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: Share enthusiasm Yes. Be encouraging if one of your kids
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: does something great. Don't stress if you accidentally shout out awesome, woo,
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: you're the best because sincere and unexpected feedback doesn't seem
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: to be as destructive as the other forms of praise
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: we've been talking about.
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: But ultimately, if we want to build.
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: Up our kids, don't praise them, be more effective at
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: it by encouraging them. Now, I'd love to hear from
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: you on this topic. Go to justinculson dot com slash
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: podcast slash six like the number six and tell me
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: how has this podcast impacted your thinking. Leave your answer
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: or any questions that you've got about praise at justinculson
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: dot com slash podcast slash six and I'll be back
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: in a second with some advice for a mum who's
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: toddler is lashing out.
• 17:30
  Speaker 4: Your conference is about to start. It's five minutes to go. People,
• 17:33
  Speaker 4: are inside taking their chance. I wonder what's going to
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  Speaker 4: happen next. Perhaps you're worried about the guest speakers. What
• 17:39
  Speaker 4: will they say? Will it be appropriate, relevance and up
• 17:43
  Speaker 4: to date? Will it be evidence based? Will they stick
• 17:46
  Speaker 4: to time? Is a games be boring? You want to
• 17:49
  Speaker 4: be sure the information at your conference will tick all
• 17:51
  Speaker 4: your boxes and give everyone the stuff they want to learn.
• 17:55
  Speaker 4: You want people to come to you at the end
• 17:56
  Speaker 4: of the day and say, Wow, thanks for organizing today.
• 17:59
  Speaker 4: Let's so much away from your conference. Doctor Justin Kilson
• 18:03
  Speaker 4: can help. He provides keynote speeches from thirty minutes to
• 18:05
  Speaker 4: an hour and a half, workshops from ninety minutes to
• 18:08
  Speaker 4: half days, and even day long seminars. He speaks to
• 18:11
  Speaker 4: school kids, professional educators, principles and teachers who are working
• 18:16
  Speaker 4: day to day in the classroom, right through to other
• 18:18
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• 18:22
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• 18:27
  Speaker 4: what's your next conference about? If you'd like to learn
• 18:30
  Speaker 4: more about getting a speaker who will help your audience learn, laugh,
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• 18:40
  Speaker 4: if you'd like the credit for having chosen that speaker,
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• 18:47
  Speaker 4: Justin Kilson as a speaker at your next conference Justinkilson
• 18:51
  Speaker 4: dot com.
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: This week, I'm responding to a question from a mum
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: whose little one keeps on hitting. She says, Dear doctor Justin,
• 18:57
  Speaker 2: my three and a half year old does not play
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: nice with other children.
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: Ah.
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: He often becomes frustrated and then lashes out with things
• 19:05
  Speaker 2: like hitting. We've been working with his daycare teachers, focusing
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: on feelings both his and the other children. At home,
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: we do the one two three magic system. I just
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: worry as this has been going on for over a year,
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: and to be honest, I'm at a loss.
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: As to what to do with him.
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: He has these epic tantrums as well, where I'll throw
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: things when he's in time out. Of course, we make
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: him clean this up. I just would like to know
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: if this sounds like age appropriate behavior or should I
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: be looking for more intervention. I don't want this to
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: continue once he gets to primary school. Thank you from
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: a mum in Man I Well, here's my response. There's
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: a bunch of children, a bunch of challenges, sorry, that
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: children face as they work through these difficult toddler.
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: And preschool years.
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: So I'm going to talk about three things, and just
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: three things that we can do to help this little
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: guy navigate this phase of life successfully. First off, we'll
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: talk about developmental changes that are crucial for us as
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: parents to understand and if we want to help our
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: kids as toddlers and preschoolers. Second, I'm going to describe
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: why behavior management programs like one, two, three Magic don't
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: actually get the results that we're looking for. And finally,
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: i'll have a look at some really concrete suggestions to
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: help get through this phase.
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: So let's get into development. First of all, if you've.
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: Got children who are let's say two years old, you
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: get a terrible shock because the terrible twos hit. Little
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: baby starts having an opinion. And when we say no
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: to our young children or when their friends do things
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: that they don't like, they just have tantrums.
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: And that's normal.
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: It is actually developmentally appropriate. It doesn't mean that they
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: should keep doing it, but it is normal, and it's
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: up to us to help them to work through it.
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: The reality is that age three is tougher.
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: I know we talk about the terrible twos, but three,
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: my goodness, they're bigger, they're more strong.
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: Willed, they're more certain that the world needs to be the.
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: Way that they want it to be, and they can
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: play up and make things even harder for us.
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: Now, there's something it's called theory of mind. That's what
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: psychologists call it.
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: It means that we can tell what another person's thinking
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: or what another person is feeling when we say to
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: our child, know and they don't have.
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: Theory of mind.
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: They just can't understand why we would think or feel
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: something that they don't think or feel. The difficult thing
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: about this is kids don't develop this ability until somewhere
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: around about the age of five. Maybe early developers will
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: get it around four to four and a half, but
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: the reality is four and a half five five and
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: a half is much more likely.
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: And this is at least.
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: Part of the reason why this little guy and why
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: all of our toddles and preschoolers have the tantrums that.
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: They have and why they lash out.
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: They just can't understand why they're friends, or why us
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: as their parents, or why their teachers would tell them
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: that they can't do what they want to do or
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: why they can't have what they want to have. Now,
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: at the same time that our children at this age
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: are grappling with this challenge, they're also struggling to develop
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: social skills.
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: Can you imagine trying to.
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: Play with people who keep on wanting things that you don't.
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: They're always demanding that you do things that you don't
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: want to do. They want you to do what they
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: want to do. It's very frustrating. So let's look at
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: the second thing. If we've got this theory of mind issue,
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: this helps us to understand why some of those standard
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: techniques don't work. It's going to be ineffective when you
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: scold or child or play. Let me say that again,
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: it's going to be ineffective when you scold a child
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: or put them in time out at this age because
• 22:27
  Speaker 2: they're not going to go and sit there and think, gee, mum,
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: you're right, I should treat my friends better, I shouldn't
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: have tantrums.
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: Instead, they sit in the corner and they think, why
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: does everyone hate me? What's wrong with me?
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: Why am I in trouble when it was my friend
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: that wouldn't do what I said. So punishment gets really
• 22:44
  Speaker 2: confusing and really really isolating for children, regardless of their age,
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: but particularly for toddlers and prescoors. It causes them pain,
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: but it doesn't teach them particularly well. It just makes
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: them feel unworthy, at least them thinking what is wrong
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: with me?
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: That's wrong with my feelings? So what do we do instead?
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: Here's the steps that I recommend, not necessarily in this
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: order either, by the way. First up, remove the kids
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: from the situation and just make sure that any child
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: who's been hit is okay. Second, offer both of the
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: children comfort and support, even the one who's done the
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: wrong thing. Help them to feel safe and reassured. And
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: with the little boy or the little girl who's lashed out,
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: whatever you do, don't scold them and don't isolate them.
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: Just make sure that they're not going to hurt anybody else.
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: Next, describe what you're seeing, and I think that this
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: men I mum is actually doing this to some degree.
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: You might say you're really upset because of this, or
• 23:43
  Speaker 2: when that happens, you find it really frustrating, don't you.
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: So you're not talking so much about the behavior, you're
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: talking about how it feels for them in that situation.
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: And the idea of this is that as our children
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: feel understood, they start to calm down, and as they
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: calm down, then we can start to get logical. If
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: you get logic too early, it won't work. Nothing works
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: with anyone when they're emotional. If we're just being logical
• 24:05
  Speaker 2: with them. They don't want logic, they want understanding. So
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: once our kids are calm, then we get to finally say,
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: so that really upset you before, what do you think
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: is a better thing to do next time? We might
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: say what's the appropriate way to act or what's the
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: appropriate way to talk? And we want to keep that
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: conversation going until they can give us the right answer.
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: We might say something like, what's the right thing to
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: do next time?
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: Now, this is different to lecturing, because what we're actually
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: doing is we're asking a question and then we're listening.
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: We're inviting our children's input. And if you find out
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: that another child has been the bully or the antagonist,
• 24:42
  Speaker 2: ask your child, then, well, when that person does that
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: to you, is it okay to hit? Is it okay
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: to be angry? Is it okay to throw things? And
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: every time they're going to say well no because they
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: know it's not okay, and then we just say, well,
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: what's the right thing.
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: To do instead?
• 24:58
  Speaker 2: So, throughout this entire process, it's not about getting mad.
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: It's about teaching and problem solving, and to do this effectively,
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: our children need to feel safe, but they also need
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: to know that there are limits. And this is the
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: final part of the conversation. You say, Okay, if this
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: happens again, what will we have to do? And that
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: way you can you can make sure that he understands
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: that more problems mean playtime is over. It's not about punishment,
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: but it's about helping him to know that we have
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: to treat other people with respect and if we can't
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: do that, then we can't be with them right now.
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: So if he tantrums at any time when you're going
• 25:32
  Speaker 2: through this process, don't get mad. That just means that
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: he's not feeling understood.
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: Again.
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: Instead of taking somewhere quiet, offer him hugs. Let him
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: know I can see how mad you are. I'm here
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: with a hug when you're ready. If he refuses hugs,
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: say that's okay. I'll just be waiting over here when
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: you're ready for a hug. You can come and give
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: me one, and then we can have a chat and
• 25:48
  Speaker 2: you can go and play again. Sometimes you actually need
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: to move away from the kids so that they can settle,
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: but always let them know I'm here for you when
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: you're ready, I'm happy to give you a hug.
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: You're not in trouble.
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: I just want you to calm down so I can
• 25:59
  Speaker 2: hug you and make you feel good. Okay, So once again,
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: we're talking here about setting limits on behavior, not as
• 26:05
  Speaker 2: a punishment, just setting limits and having a conversation about
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: what's okay. And you can do this with three year olds.
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: You're actually inviting them to be part of the solution.
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: It's a tricky process. It takes practice, but I've seen
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: it work time and time again. All of the parents
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: that I coach go through something like this at one
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: point or another, and it really makes a big difference.
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: It's so much better than punishing them. So that's my
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: response for this week.
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: Remember you can ask me any questions that you'd like
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: at justinculson dot com slash questions. You can leave a
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: voice message with your question or you can email me
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: all the info you need. Justinculson dot com slash questions.
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: Up next, I've got a parenting hack for bared little
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: kids who are driving you crazy, who are understimulated, and
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: who are simply dying for something to do.
• 26:53
  Speaker 4: We all love our children, that sometimes they can make
• 26:56
  Speaker 4: life challenging, and we're all searching for the right answers
• 26:59
  Speaker 4: in the air.
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: All we want is happy children and happy families.
• 27:03
  Speaker 4: Doctor Justin Coulson is one of Australia's most respected parenting voices.
• 27:07
  Speaker 4: He's seminars have equipped and empowered thousands of parents to
• 27:10
  Speaker 4: make their families happier. But sometimes getting to a parenting
• 27:13
  Speaker 4: seminar can be tough. There's work and other commitments. Then
• 27:17
  Speaker 4: there's the issue of the children and babysitters. Now you
• 27:20
  Speaker 4: can watch one of doctor Justin's seminars from the comfort
• 27:23
  Speaker 4: of your own home and at a time that works
• 27:25
  Speaker 4: for you. In this seminar video available online now, you're
• 27:29
  Speaker 4: invited to sit in on one of doctor Justin's parenting
• 27:32
  Speaker 4: seminars as he takes you from confusion to clarity. Combining
• 27:36
  Speaker 4: parenting research with heartfelt stories. You'll discover the three essential
• 27:40
  Speaker 4: keys to raising a resilient child and creating a happy family.
• 27:44
  Speaker 4: You'll learn how to build a strong connection with your children,
• 27:46
  Speaker 4: how to really understand them, and how to get discipline rights.
• 27:50
  Speaker 4: What your child needs from you. A seminar from doctor
• 27:53
  Speaker 4: Justinkilson at Justinkilson dot com. Download this ninety minute seminar
• 27:57
  Speaker 4: now or purchase the dvd Justinkilson dot com.
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: So as our preschoolers get older, especially towards the end
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: of the school year, they start to look for more
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: and more stimulation. But your responsibilities haven't changed a bit.
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: You've still got to do everything.
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: The kids just want more of you, and they just
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: want more to do. And one of the simplest, funnest
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: things that you can do is grab a handful of
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: sheets or blankets and send the kids into the lounge
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: room or the playroom and get them to make cabby houses.
• 28:26
  Speaker 2: It's such a simple parenting hack and it gives them
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: endless time. Give them the cushions, give them access to
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: the dining chairs, whatever it is that they need. You
• 28:33
  Speaker 2: might even get involved a little bit yourself. They're going
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: to feel like they've built the taj Mahal. They'll play
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: in it, they'll eat in it, they'll practically want to
• 28:41
  Speaker 2: sleep in it.
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: And now that the weather's getting genuinely warmer.
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: You can play some really simple outdoor games as well
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: that occupy them for ages. I don't know if you
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: ever played coits as a kid, but the kids love
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: these simple games. They love hopscots, they love marbles, they
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: love elastics.
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: They're all simple outside games that keep them away from screens.
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: They keep them active, they keep them stimulated, and even
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: some simple things like water play or some paints or
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: driveway chalk, it can occupy them in really creative, playful pursuits.
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: It can stop them being bored.
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: And you know what, if they are getting bored, you
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: can spile them and say that's okay, you'll think of something.
• 29:19
  Speaker 2: Just keep them away from the screens and let them
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: use their creativity in their imagination. So that's the parenting
• 29:24
  Speaker 2: hack for this week. Get the kids outside, get them
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: doing simple things, or get them building things like Cabby houses.
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: That's it for this week. Thanks for listening to the
• 29:33
  Speaker 2: Positivity Podcast. If you have any questions you'd like to
• 29:37
  Speaker 2: have me answer, go to Justin Coulson dot com slash questions.
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: I'll do my best to answer them in an upcoming podcast.
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: You can leave a voice message, or you can send
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: me an email at Justin Coulson dot com slash questions
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: and if you've enjoyed the podcast, you.
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: Can find the outline.
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: You can find the resource links in the show notes
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: Justinculson dot com slash podcast slash.
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: Six as in the number six.
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: If you think that the podcasts may have just made
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: your family a little bit happier, or if you think
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: that it could make other people's family happier, I'd be
• 30:07
  Speaker 2: so grateful. I'd really appreciate it if you would visit
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: Justin Coulson dot com slash podcast slash six like the
• 30:12
  Speaker 2: number six, You'll find Twitter, you'll find Facebook links, you
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: can share it with your friends or followers.
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: You can get the word out.
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: About the podcast that helps people to discover me and
• 30:21
  Speaker 2: discover what I'm doing. And if you've listened this long,
• 30:24
  Speaker 2: I guess you're liking it, so hopefully other people will
• 30:26
  Speaker 2: like it as well. I'd also I'd love it if
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: you'd go to iTunes rate the podcast on iTunes because
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: your ratings help other people to find the podcast and
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: boost the visibility of what I'm doing here. And you
• 30:38
  Speaker 2: can always subscribe to the podcast on iTunes as well
• 30:42
  Speaker 2: as quite a handful of people have.
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: Started to do so thanks for helping me to get
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: the word out. That's it for this week.
• 30:47
  Speaker 2: I'm going to have another podcast ready to go for
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: you next week talking about keeping children safe. Until then,
• 30:53
  Speaker 2: remember you don't have to be the best parent in
• 30:55
  Speaker 2: the world. You just have to be the best parent
• 30:57
  Speaker 2: in your child's work. Five