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Transcript

Toxic Friends · Obnoxiously Pleasant

0:06
SPEAKER_01: Hey everyone, I'm Hanan.
0:08
SPEAKER_01: I'm Lena.
0:08
SPEAKER_01: And together we are obnoxiously pleasant.
0:10
SPEAKER_01: Thank you guys for joining us again.
0:12
SPEAKER_01: Hopefully it's again.
0:13
SPEAKER_01: If it's not again, and if it's your first time, then welcome.
0:16
SPEAKER_01: We are so happy to have you.
0:18
SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is about toxic friends.
0:20
SPEAKER_01: We're not toxic friends.
0:21
SPEAKER_01: No, definitely not.
0:22
SPEAKER_01: Right?
0:23
SPEAKER_01: Definitely not.
0:23
SPEAKER_01: We're good friends.
0:24
SPEAKER_01: We're good friends.
0:24
SPEAKER_01: We're excellent friends.
0:25
SPEAKER_01: We're good friends.
0:25
SPEAKER_01: But today's episode is about toxic friends.
0:28
SPEAKER_01: Um, friendships are probably some of the most difficult relationships that you maintain throughout your life.
0:35
SPEAKER_01: Um, right?
0:36
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
0:36
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
0:37
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I don't have that many, but I'm okay.
0:39
SPEAKER_00: I just keep it.
0:40
SPEAKER_00: I I I keep my uh I keep it to a minimum.
0:43
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, she keeps her circle small, which is fine.
0:44
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
0:45
SPEAKER_01: But it's but it's a small, loyal, positive uh group of friends, people who bring joy, you know, to her life.
0:52
SPEAKER_01: I think friendships are probably some of the most difficult relationships that you work on throughout your lifetime, right?
1:00
SPEAKER_01: And I always say, like, I equate finding a friend with dating because you kind of have to go through people, you have to figure out if it's the right person for you, if it's a good fit, if it's not a good fit.
1:10
SPEAKER_01: I think at a certain point in life, you stop doing that.
1:14
SPEAKER_00: I don't.
1:15
SPEAKER_00: I mean, I did.
1:16
SPEAKER_00: I stopped a long time ago.
1:17
SPEAKER_01: I love meeting new people.
1:18
SPEAKER_01: No, I don't, I I never stopped doing that.
1:20
SPEAKER_01: But no, I think it is it is kind of that's what makes us so different.
1:22
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it is kind of like dating.
1:24
SPEAKER_01: Um, you do spend your time looking and kind of sorting through and getting through people until you find somebody who is a good fit for you.
1:32
SPEAKER_00: So if it's like dating, that means I just have one night stands all the time.
1:34
SPEAKER_00: Pretty much.
1:35
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'll go out, have fun with you, and then like I'll never call you.
1:38
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'm never gonna see you again.
1:39
SPEAKER_00: Thanks for coming out.
1:40
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but it makes me sound really bad, doesn't it?
1:42
SPEAKER_01: No, she's just but people do say she's my bitchy friend.
1:45
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
1:45
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's okay.
1:46
SPEAKER_01: What I think is really important in finding a good friend, right?
1:50
SPEAKER_01: Is understanding what you're looking for, understanding what your qualities are, and then understanding what is it about the other person that like makes you the two of you click, right?
1:58
SPEAKER_01: So when I say it's like dating, it's because you go through so many people before you find that person that you're like, oh, I really spent I really love spending time with you.
2:06
SPEAKER_01: I really like hanging out with you.
2:08
SPEAKER_01: But until you find that gem, you go through people and sometimes you make mediocre relationships, but sometimes you get into these relationships where you think it's so awesome, but it's really the opposite of that.
2:19
SPEAKER_00: No, and you you and I have both had some experiences, but you deal with it, I think, a little bit different than I do.
2:24
SPEAKER_00: And this is part of the discussion we're gonna have as how did like how do you deal with a toxic friend?
2:28
SPEAKER_00: And when do you know you're actually friends with someone who's toxic toxic for you?
2:32
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
2:34
SPEAKER_01: It's funny for me, I love to like gain my energy.
2:39
SPEAKER_01: And I said this on the last episode, you guys will hear me say that a lot.
2:43
SPEAKER_01: I gain so much, I recharge my battery by being around my friends, by going out and seeing people, not just any people, but my friends.
2:49
SPEAKER_01: That's how I really recharge my battery.
2:52
SPEAKER_01: That's how I feel like I'm so ready to do my life again the next day.
2:55
SPEAKER_00: So when you're when you're that kind of person, you don't need someone weighing you down or just being exactly a user.
3:02
SPEAKER_01: I can't have somebody, yeah, I can't have somebody draining me.
3:04
SPEAKER_01: And it's funny because I have a friend that we had this discussion with.
3:07
SPEAKER_01: His name is Ahmed, and he also has a podcast called The Study with Ahmed Yunus.
3:11
SPEAKER_01: Little shout out.
3:12
SPEAKER_01: Yep.
3:12
SPEAKER_01: But uh we have this very discussion about the types of people that are in your life that feed your battery, and then the types of people that are in your life that drain your battery.
3:22
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
3:22
SPEAKER_00: So what what are what are the types?
3:24
SPEAKER_00: Because I know there's there's always that one friend that's a drama queen.
3:27
SPEAKER_01: Drama, somebody who's a user, somebody who like somebody, a some a user is somebody who's around you just to gain from you.
3:33
SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
3:34
SPEAKER_01: Right?
3:34
SPEAKER_01: Just to gain from you.
3:36
SPEAKER_01: Um, and uh not just that, somebody who's constantly competing with you is.
3:40
SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah, oh my god, that's that's pretty bad.
3:42
SPEAKER_01: Right?
3:42
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and the pessimist.
3:44
SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, those are my favorite the depressing ones, the ones who are like the world is ending, my life or the person who just can't find just that little bit of joy in anything that happens.
3:53
SPEAKER_01: They are constantly complaining.
3:55
SPEAKER_01: The complainer, I'm all for, you know, if you're if if something's going bad, like I listen to you, but if you're constantly complaining, that isn't it.
4:02
SPEAKER_01: Those are the problems.
4:03
SPEAKER_00: Those are the same ones that it's okay for them to complain for hours on end.
4:08
SPEAKER_00: But the minute you start telling them something happening in your life, they're just like, uh, yeah, they either go back, they try to switch the conversation back to their issues or say they have to go.
4:18
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
4:18
SPEAKER_01: Even if they don't have to go, but you're right, it's always they shift the conversation so it's about them.
4:22
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but that's and it's so hard.
4:24
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes the the sad part for me about toxic friends is that sometimes it really does take a long time for I'll talk about myself, for me to recognize that this person really is next to me.
4:33
SPEAKER_01: Hanan is very nice.
4:34
SPEAKER_01: And if if you guys, you guys, the people that know Hanan, she's just a sweetheart.
4:38
SPEAKER_01: It's for me, it it's not that it takes me a long time, is that I really like to give people the benefit of the doubt.
4:44
SPEAKER_01: I'm a people lover.
4:45
SPEAKER_01: I do enjoy the company of people, I enjoy meeting new people.
4:48
SPEAKER_01: So I'll give you the benefit of the doubt once, twice, but the third time I'm like, I'm done.
4:52
SPEAKER_00: Okay, but what for me, the worst type of toxic friend has to be the user.
4:57
SPEAKER_00: I mean, they're all bad.
4:58
SPEAKER_00: The user, the competitor, because I've had experiences with both, but the user and the one that it's it's always about them.
5:06
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
5:06
SPEAKER_00: You know, like I just don't have time for that.
5:09
SPEAKER_01: In my personal opinion, the worst type of toxic friend is the person who competes with you and steals from you and steals your idea and steals your energy.
5:18
SPEAKER_01: And I can't be around somebody like that because the whole point is that we're supposed to uplift each other.
5:24
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you're not supposed to just gain from me and drain me so that you can grow and you can be better.
5:29
SPEAKER_01: Those people for me are the worst.
5:30
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
5:31
SPEAKER_00: And I mean, like we're what makes us different is how you deal with.
5:34
SPEAKER_00: I think you you have this thing called this the circle.
5:37
SPEAKER_00: Oh, yes, yes.
5:37
SPEAKER_01: That's that's what I wanted to talk about.
5:39
SPEAKER_01: Like how we both um, you know, kind of uh live.
5:43
SPEAKER_01: We operate differently.
5:44
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we operate very differently.
5:46
SPEAKER_01: We operate very, very, very differently.
5:47
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'll let you do you, I'll let you explain to them how your little circle and how that works.
5:51
SPEAKER_00: It's like an onion.
5:53
SPEAKER_00: It is an onion.
5:54
SPEAKER_01: Well, kind of like an onion.
5:55
SPEAKER_01: I like to think of it.
5:56
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't smell that bad, though.
5:57
SPEAKER_00: Go ahead.
5:58
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it does.
5:59
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
5:59
SPEAKER_01: No, but um, I uh I like to think of it as um, you know, I'm Saturn and they're the rings around me, if that makes sense.
6:06
SPEAKER_01: It's a nicer way of putting it.
6:07
SPEAKER_01: Um basically, I live my life in circles.
6:11
SPEAKER_01: So I'm in the center, right?
6:13
SPEAKER_01: Me, the the person that is I'm in the middle of that circle.
6:16
SPEAKER_01: The closest circle around me are the folks that I trust the most.
6:20
SPEAKER_01: These are the people that I've come to have expectations of.
6:23
SPEAKER_01: These are the people that I know that I can rely on, these are my close friends.
6:26
SPEAKER_01: This is my tight social circle that I know that if I'm ever sad, if I'm ever unhappy, if I'm ever in a space where I need someone to recharge my battery, those people are gonna be it for me, right?
6:40
SPEAKER_01: Um, and then the circles just go out from there.
6:43
SPEAKER_01: And as you get further and further out on the circle, we may not have the same level of interaction.
6:49
SPEAKER_01: We won't have the same level of interaction, obviously, but I just don't know.
6:54
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but see, you have to understand though.
6:56
SPEAKER_00: They have to understand that like we have to put into context for the people that don't know you.
7:00
SPEAKER_00: That's true.
7:01
SPEAKER_00: Hanan, anywhere she goes, everybody knows her.
7:04
SPEAKER_00: Like, you can't go out to dinner or any event.
7:08
SPEAKER_01: Nobody knows me in Zambia, okay?
7:09
SPEAKER_00: No, they everybody in the DC metropolitan area knows Hanaan.
7:13
SPEAKER_00: Everybody in Northeast, the northeastern part of the United States probably knows Hanan.
7:19
SPEAKER_00: So she's just nice and she's very the thing about her, like I give her a lot of credit and I respect her so much for because I can never do that, is she keeps up with those obligations.
7:28
SPEAKER_01: I like that.
7:30
SPEAKER_01: And you know, we always but only if you matter to me.
7:33
SPEAKER_00: That's true, you know.
7:34
SPEAKER_00: No, sometimes for doing stuff for people you shouldn't be doing for you.
7:38
SPEAKER_00: So sometimes she'll be like, you know, we sometimes we make fun of the fact that you we act like a married couple.
7:42
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
7:43
SPEAKER_00: So she'll call me, she'll go, listen, we gotta send flowers to this person.
7:45
SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna because you know their their their mother passed away.
7:48
SPEAKER_01: Or listen, we have to call this person because they just have a baby, okay?
7:51
SPEAKER_01: They just had a baby.
7:52
SPEAKER_00: And then I'll tell her, just tell me how much I owe you and just send it out in both our names.
7:56
SPEAKER_01: But I think that that works, but I think that's a nice balance that we have.
7:59
SPEAKER_01: You know, you discover you discover where you're um, you discover where what boundaries you have with somebody and you know what is okay and what is not okay.
8:07
SPEAKER_01: But for me, I can't do what I do with her with other people, you know.
8:11
SPEAKER_00: Like, but for me, what I'm saying, you're the way you operate, you know, about the toxic for you, the there's certain because you have people in different layers, categories or categories.
8:20
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, layers and categories.
8:21
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so so for you, you're okay with hanging out with someone who is not very close.
8:26
SPEAKER_00: But for me, that doesn't work.
8:28
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, for me, it's like I'm not gonna waste my precious time on somebody I don't really care about.
8:33
SPEAKER_00: I have my fun time friends.
8:35
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, see, yeah.
8:36
SPEAKER_00: I I I don't have my fun time.
8:38
SPEAKER_01: And I love them and we get along so well and they're great, and that's sort of like what our But I just can't do that because for me it's a waste of time, and I my time is valuable.
8:45
SPEAKER_00: I have I'd rather be spending my time doing something else.
8:48
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I just I don't want to waste it on on ones.
8:51
SPEAKER_01: But she has like 24 hours in the day, and I have like 48 hours in the day.
8:54
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
8:55
SPEAKER_00: But yeah, I mean, do you have a specific story without getting into names or details about like because we both share one?
9:02
SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
9:04
SPEAKER_00: We're not getting into details, but yeah, this person, the user, the classic user.
9:08
SPEAKER_01: Oh my god.
9:09
SPEAKER_01: Somebody who just constantly needs something from you, they won't call you, they won't check on you until they need you.
9:14
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and they'll they'll disappear for a couple years and then try to come back in.
9:17
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, It didn't have to be years, it could just be months, like whatever.
9:20
SPEAKER_00: Oh, or years, yeah.
9:22
SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
9:22
SPEAKER_00: And this person has done it a couple times, too.
9:24
SPEAKER_01: But it's just I can't, I can't, you know.
9:27
SPEAKER_01: For me, I have a really hard time not helping someone when I know that I can capable, but I'm capable of doing that.
9:34
SPEAKER_01: Like, that's very difficult for me.
9:35
SPEAKER_01: Lena doesn't have that problem.
9:37
SPEAKER_00: I mean, you know, it may sound like a complete jerk, but like I'm not a jerk, but for her, that's how she disassociates herself.
9:42
SPEAKER_00: No, because listen, I'll give you one chance.
9:44
SPEAKER_00: Um two chances.
9:46
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, okay.
9:46
SPEAKER_00: You mess up the first time, I'll be like, hmm, there's a red flag.
9:49
SPEAKER_00: Okay, let me just watch out.
9:50
SPEAKER_00: You do that again, and that that's it, I'm done.
9:52
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, sorry, I just can't.
9:54
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like loyalty in friendship is important.
9:56
SPEAKER_00: And don't like we we we've been friends for so long because we just don't have these issues.
10:03
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but I also think it's it's not about it's not about not having these issues.
10:06
SPEAKER_01: I really think it's different.
10:07
SPEAKER_01: I really think it's what, like I said, it's the boundaries that you set with somebody, the life experiences that you have with somebody.
10:13
SPEAKER_01: So if I was to make a a mistake, because none of us are perfect, right?
10:17
SPEAKER_01: I think that because we have such a long, deep like relationship, if I was to make a mistake, whether it's willing whether it's, you know, by on purpose or not on purpose, you would be a lot more willing to forgive me.
10:30
SPEAKER_01: Oh, for sure.
10:30
SPEAKER_01: Because I'd be like, hey, no, because it we wouldn't let it like sit there and like you know, just the problem with a toxic friend though is that they They'll talk behind your back.
10:39
SPEAKER_01: Well, well, that's one of the things.
10:40
SPEAKER_01: That's one of the things.
10:41
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but no, the problem with with a toxic friend is that they will never like if I if her and I had a fight and I knew I was wrong, I'd come and apologize.
10:48
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, definitely.
10:49
SPEAKER_01: My experience was that you give so much to someone, my personal experience, you give so much to someone, and then when you tell them, you're like, okay, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna face this person, I'm gonna tell them how I feel, right?
10:59
SPEAKER_01: You hurt me.
11:00
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, and they just gaslight you.
11:02
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like it's your fault.
11:04
SPEAKER_00: No, because that's part of being a having a good friend.
11:06
SPEAKER_00: You need to have that line of communication where, like, I can be honest, like if if but I want to go back to one one point where you said, you know, you have different categories of friends, and there's friends of mine that are very close to me, yeah, but I don't speak to them often.
11:20
SPEAKER_00: And we share some of those friends.
11:21
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, okay.
11:22
SPEAKER_00: And I can think of one person, for example, like Dana.
11:24
SPEAKER_00: Dana, if you're watching this, I'm sorry.
11:26
SPEAKER_00: We love you, we love you.
11:27
SPEAKER_00: But I'm not good.
11:28
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I I'm not very um what's the word?
11:32
SPEAKER_00: I have, I don't know.
11:32
SPEAKER_00: Like I'm not She's a terrible phone call person.
11:35
SPEAKER_00: She's a terrible texture.
11:37
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'm not I'm great at text.
11:39
SPEAKER_00: No, but yeah, I she's bad.
11:41
SPEAKER_00: That's what I'm talking about.
11:42
SPEAKER_00: She, but she understands me.
11:43
SPEAKER_00: She doesn't she doesn't get mad at me.
11:44
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
11:45
SPEAKER_00: And now we have this podcast, so we have to see each other.
11:48
SPEAKER_00: But we we would go week weekly schedule.
11:50
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but we we go weeks, we used to go weeks without seeing each other.
11:54
SPEAKER_00: But the pandemic was also really terrible for us.
11:56
SPEAKER_00: And then and then like and then like some friends of mine, I love these friends, and like when we get together, it's like we've never been uh apart.
12:04
SPEAKER_01: It's hard, but that's what I'm saying.
12:05
SPEAKER_01: It's dynamic.
12:06
SPEAKER_01: That's the dynamic, and it's dynamic that equals whether or not something.
12:09
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but but my point is those friends of mine that I truly care about and that I have this kind of relationship with where I'm not constantly speaking to them on a regular basis, they know who I am and they know that I love them.
12:19
SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
12:20
SPEAKER_00: It's the dynamic.
12:21
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so so it's okay because they get me.
12:23
SPEAKER_00: They're not gonna judge me because I'm not calling them like Hananda's every day on FaceTime.
12:27
SPEAKER_01: I don't call every day on FaceTime.
12:29
SPEAKER_00: Dana comment.
12:30
SPEAKER_00: I don't.
12:31
SPEAKER_00: I don't call every day on FaceTime.
12:32
SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, that's funny.
12:34
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but it's true.
12:34
SPEAKER_01: I don't.
12:35
SPEAKER_01: I don't remember the last time.
12:36
SPEAKER_00: I don't know how you make the time, not even to call people.
12:39
SPEAKER_00: She freaking commented everybody's social media posts.
12:44
SPEAKER_01: I love everybody.
12:45
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean, no, I I love people too.
12:47
SPEAKER_01: Look, you are such a liar.
12:49
SPEAKER_01: You do not love people.
12:52
SPEAKER_01: Oh my god, that was a straight face.
12:54
SPEAKER_01: She actually wasn't straight face.
12:56
SPEAKER_01: That was a disaster.
12:57
SPEAKER_01: I tried.
13:01
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but no, but honestly, and I think that's what makes things work for us, right?
13:05
SPEAKER_01: Like I told you, I just to bring this back, yeah.
13:07
SPEAKER_01: I told you guys about the way I, you know, handle my relationships, and that's through layers and categories.
13:14
SPEAKER_01: Um, Lena is very different.
13:16
SPEAKER_01: Lena is super social in a very close circle, if you can imagine that.
13:20
SPEAKER_01: Yes, I am.
13:21
SPEAKER_01: It's literally like this tiny circle.
13:23
SPEAKER_00: And you know, the thing is this lockdown messed me up big time.
13:26
SPEAKER_00: Like now I'm not even very social at all.
13:28
SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm just like, there's no social.
13:29
SPEAKER_01: She went from being like, we went from being like 40 and fabulous to me being like we were 40 before the lockdown.
13:35
SPEAKER_01: You keep ringing.
13:39
SPEAKER_00: She's just mad.
13:40
SPEAKER_00: Like, I think we look at the city.
13:41
SPEAKER_00: I'm mad because we were supposed to have a freaking party at our 40, and we didn't do I was gonna curse.
13:46
SPEAKER_01: We didn't do anything for our 40s.
13:47
SPEAKER_01: It was really funny.
13:48
SPEAKER_00: I came to you though.
13:49
SPEAKER_01: That's true.
13:49
SPEAKER_01: You didn't, yeah.
13:50
SPEAKER_01: She got me a really nice best friend book, is tiny, and she wrote all the things she loved about me.
13:54
SPEAKER_00: It took me a while.
13:54
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and I blew up balloons.
13:56
SPEAKER_01: See, I'm a good friend.
13:57
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, from a from a Target, you know, from from a Target helium tank.
14:01
SPEAKER_01: It was it, I did a good job.
14:02
SPEAKER_01: It wasn't my best work, but I did a good job.
14:04
SPEAKER_01: So I spoke to you uh guys previously about how I like to live my life in circles, right?
14:09
SPEAKER_01: And and categories, and how that helps me uh put boundaries around my relationships with people, but it also helps me easily identify who might be a toxic or negative person in my life.
14:20
SPEAKER_01: Uh, this way I can, you know, disassociate myself or eliminate them or not let them come closer into my inner circle.
14:27
SPEAKER_01: Lena socializes differently, she socializes very much so in a close circle.
14:32
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
14:32
SPEAKER_01: But how do you, if you're somebody who doesn't really like making new friends, how do you make new friends?
14:37
SPEAKER_01: How do you invite people into your social circle?
14:39
SPEAKER_01: I don't.
14:40
SPEAKER_00: She really doesn't.
14:42
SPEAKER_00: I like I have the friends that I think that's good.
14:45
SPEAKER_00: I'm good.
14:45
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
14:45
SPEAKER_00: Like I'm good.
14:46
SPEAKER_00: Like honestly, I'm not trying to sound like a complete jerk.
14:48
SPEAKER_00: And you know, she told me we're not allowed to curse, so I want to use a different word.
14:51
SPEAKER_01: But I also but I also think you weren't always like that.
14:54
SPEAKER_01: No, I wasn't because you had a lot of insight.
14:57
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, exactly.
14:58
SPEAKER_00: So I'm I'm just done with that.
14:59
SPEAKER_00: And I I'm not gonna set uh myself up with these people for failure to have a like a toxic friendship, like you said.
15:06
SPEAKER_00: But for me, it's like I have amazing friends in my life now.
15:09
SPEAKER_00: I'm good.
15:11
SPEAKER_00: I'm not but what happens when you meet somebody and you really like them.
15:14
SPEAKER_00: If I if I meet someone, if I meet someone who's amazing, obviously, you know, I'm not like I'll give them a chance.
15:20
SPEAKER_01: So what what gets them inside that social circle?
15:23
SPEAKER_01: Because for here's this where we're supposed to be helpful too.
15:26
SPEAKER_00: Okay, sure.
15:27
SPEAKER_00: Because okay, for like if if I hang out with this person more than once, a few times, and I realize that they're not annoying or toxic.
15:33
SPEAKER_00: Um, and and now at this point in our life.
15:36
SPEAKER_00: For you, like what makes somebody toxic?
15:38
SPEAKER_00: I just don't want negative energy, you know.
15:39
SPEAKER_00: Like if you like, I just want someone who's positive, and I get it, sometimes life sucks, and you know, when you're talking with your friend, you know, that you're gonna share some of those thoughts.
15:48
SPEAKER_00: But like, if you're someone new, because your speci your question is very specific specific.
15:52
SPEAKER_00: So if someone new comes into my life and I realize all they do is complain or whine or they have negative vibes and they're only saying negative things, or they're very critical of others, then I that's a that's a red flag for me.
16:05
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'm not interested in that.
16:06
SPEAKER_00: Um, someone who can have an intellectual conversation with me, someone who can challenge it's like like you said, it's like dating.
16:13
SPEAKER_00: You're right.
16:13
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I like someone who makes me laugh.
16:15
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, obviously that that too.
16:16
SPEAKER_00: And longation.
16:18
SPEAKER_00: But I'm saying, like, you I need to get something positive from it.
16:20
SPEAKER_00: And I know it sounds selfish, but it's not really, because I'm also giving you that time and energy and effort.
16:27
SPEAKER_00: I'm reciprocating what you're giving me, I'm giving back to you.
16:29
SPEAKER_00: But I don't want our hangout session to be doom and gloom all the time.
16:33
SPEAKER_00: I I I 100% agree with that.
16:35
SPEAKER_01: But I also for me, really honestly, it's somebody who just drains me.
16:39
SPEAKER_01: And I agree with you so much.
16:40
SPEAKER_01: Drains me doesn't just isn't just negativity, right?
16:43
SPEAKER_01: Drains me is somebody who I feel that just spends time with me to gain my energy and then go off because they need that positivity in their life.
16:51
SPEAKER_01: I absolutely cannot stand that.
16:52
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and then the other thing in regards to that, like people draining you.
16:56
SPEAKER_00: For me, like I I'd have people call me and you know complain about what's happening, and I get it, you can do that once, twice, three times, even five.
17:03
SPEAKER_00: But then if if the one thing that really bothers me, these people who do that, you they ask for advice and then they don't take it.
17:09
SPEAKER_00: If you're not gonna take the advice.
17:14
SPEAKER_00: If you don't take the advice, why are you bothering me?
17:16
SPEAKER_00: Like, why are you calling me to tell me if you're gonna keep doing the same mistakes over and over again, don't call me.
17:21
SPEAKER_00: And if you're gonna keep complaining about the same situation that you're in, then I don't want to hear it.
17:26
SPEAKER_00: For me, the way I live my life is if I don't like something in my life, I change it.
17:31
SPEAKER_00: If I can't change it, either I leave it or I live with it.
17:35
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
17:35
SPEAKER_00: And I move on with my life.
17:36
SPEAKER_00: I think that that's really important.
17:37
SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
17:38
SPEAKER_00: Like I I and then I've had to learn that too.
17:40
SPEAKER_00: Like I'm not perfect.
17:41
SPEAKER_00: Like I've had to, like, I don't want to be that annoying friend either.
17:43
SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't want to keep like harassing somebody and complaining about the same issue.
17:48
SPEAKER_00: Either I change it, like I said, or I move away from it or move on, you know?
17:51
SPEAKER_00: And but to constantly, that's one one thing I can't stand.
17:54
SPEAKER_00: People who constantly complain, people who are negative, and you know, there's there's places and times for that.
18:00
SPEAKER_01: I get it, but I just yeah, that is that I I I totally agree with you.
18:04
SPEAKER_01: But it's good to know, you know, that at least at some point the circle will be taking applications.
18:09
SPEAKER_00: At this point, no, we're not, but maybe in the near future, depending how I feel.
18:13
SPEAKER_01: I think honestly, I think it's totally fine.
18:15
SPEAKER_01: I I I completely I see your perspective.
18:18
SPEAKER_01: I don't think anybody can have we don't socialize in the same manner.
18:21
SPEAKER_01: No.
18:22
SPEAKER_01: And it's funny because, you know, the reason that we got on this topic to begin with, this this idea of like toxic friends, is because, well, we're doing this together and we're friends, and we've been through a lot of friends together.
18:34
SPEAKER_01: So it was just as you get older, it's nice to realize, you know, hey, this is what I enjoy about having this relationship versus, you know, just kind of being open and allowing anybody in, spending time with anybody, giving your effort up on anybody.
18:48
SPEAKER_01: Look, having a good friend is something really, really hard to do and really hard to find.
18:52
SPEAKER_01: Like, let's not undervalue or underestimate how important it is to have that solid friend.
18:58
SPEAKER_01: All I'm saying is it doesn't have to be, you know, five friends, ten friends.
19:01
SPEAKER_01: It could just be one solid friend.
19:03
SPEAKER_01: I think it's really important to when you finally figure out why somebody makes you feel uncomfortable or why someone's toxic, to get rid of them.
19:10
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
19:10
SPEAKER_01: It's very difficult.
19:11
SPEAKER_01: Breaking up with a friend is just as bad as getting a divorce.
19:15
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it is.
19:16
SPEAKER_01: It is.
19:16
SPEAKER_01: It is.
19:16
SPEAKER_01: You because you invested a lot of time.
19:18
SPEAKER_01: You invested a lot of time.
19:19
SPEAKER_01: And feelings, effort, energy.
19:21
SPEAKER_01: And for anybody out there that had like a terrible divorce, please don't send me hate mail.
19:25
SPEAKER_01: I know it's it's difficult.
19:27
SPEAKER_01: All I'm saying is that it's a relationship.
19:29
SPEAKER_01: Ending any relationship is really, really difficult.
19:32
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but don't be sentimental.
19:33
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
19:34
SPEAKER_00: Just rip that bandage off like I do all the time.
19:36
SPEAKER_00: Just like, okay, bye.
19:37
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
19:37
SPEAKER_01: I mean, she's nicer than me, but I I am nice, but at the same time, they're my biggest thing is, you know, when I'm going to you to confront you about something, and you're not gonna take that feedback from me, that's when I really stop being nice.
19:56
SPEAKER_01: Then I then I figure out that you're nowhere near as invested in me as I am in us or you or the relationship.
20:03
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
20:03
SPEAKER_01: So yeah, I agree with you.
20:04
SPEAKER_01: Don't be sentimental.
20:05
SPEAKER_01: And I think it's honest.
20:06
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, like be straight.
20:07
SPEAKER_01: Honest.
20:07
SPEAKER_01: Be straight up about your feet.
20:08
SPEAKER_01: You know, like just you don't have to be mean.
20:09
SPEAKER_01: It's usually honesty, by the way, that gets you to understand how the level of toxicity in a relationship between you and somebody else.
20:16
SPEAKER_01: That's true.
20:16
SPEAKER_01: And then just end it, just move on.
20:18
SPEAKER_01: Move on.
20:19
SPEAKER_01: And it's gonna be difficult because you'll have mutual friends and you'll have you'll see them at places.
20:24
SPEAKER_00: Have you ever completely shut somebody out of your life?
20:26
SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
20:26
SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
20:27
SPEAKER_00: I can kinda really absolutely so do you completely delete them off social media?
20:30
SPEAKER_00: Because I would tell them.
20:32
SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
20:32
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
20:32
SPEAKER_00: Do you keep their number?
20:33
SPEAKER_01: No.
20:34
SPEAKER_00: I keep their number for one reason only.
20:36
SPEAKER_00: So I can see if they ever because that person we were talking about.
20:40
SPEAKER_00: If you ever call the habit of calling.
20:43
SPEAKER_00: Oh.
20:43
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, no, I just for me, I just move on.
20:45
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna call it.
20:45
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so delete.
20:46
SPEAKER_01: It's very hurtful when I finally figure out that somebody's taking advantage of me or somebody's like draining me or somebody's annoying me.
20:52
SPEAKER_01: I want nothing to do with it.
20:53
SPEAKER_01: I want to just close the chapter and move on.
20:55
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and and you know, you'd probably just make new friends, right?
21:00
SPEAKER_01: No, I already have friends.
21:01
SPEAKER_01: I'm good.
21:01
SPEAKER_00: Really?
21:01
SPEAKER_00: You're you're coming on my side.
21:03
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I agree.
21:03
SPEAKER_01: So we're never I mean I love meeting new people, but again, remember circles.
21:08
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, circles, categories.
21:10
SPEAKER_00: I think once you decide to uh, you know, end that relationship, yeah, I think you just don't go back to it.
21:17
SPEAKER_01: I agree.
21:18
SPEAKER_00: Because you know, people at a certain age, people don't change.
21:21
SPEAKER_01: But that's kind of like why, you know, being sentimental and then getting, you know, completely uh deleting somebody off of your phone, social media, whatever, and then not engaging with them again, all these things kind of go hand in hand.
21:35
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it really is a breakup.
21:36
SPEAKER_01: You just end things and you move on.
21:38
SPEAKER_01: You have to never look back.
21:40
SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much for joining us on this episode of Obnoxiously Pleasant where we talked about toxic friends and how to disassociate yourself from them.
21:47
SPEAKER_01: I hope you guys join us next week and please like, subscribe, comment.
21:51
SPEAKER_01: I'd love to see your engagement.
21:52
SPEAKER_01: Yes, please send us emails.
21:53
SPEAKER_01: Please send us emails.
21:54
SPEAKER_01: I know I said in the first episode, just leave a comment.
21:57
SPEAKER_01: I know, I know I said I don't want hate mail, but I'll take hate mail at this point.
22:00
SPEAKER_01: I told you.
22:00
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
22:02
SPEAKER_01: I'm okay with that.
22:02
SPEAKER_01: But I think it's fine.
22:03
SPEAKER_01: It just gives me like energy and motivates me to do more.
22:05
SPEAKER_01: But yeah.
22:06
SPEAKER_00: But they have been very supportive.
22:07
SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much, guys.
22:08
SPEAKER_01: That's really been awesome.
22:10
SPEAKER_01: Thank you and come back and see us next time.
22:12
SPEAKER_01: All right.
22:13
SPEAKER_01: Bye.
22:13
SPEAKER_01: Bye.