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Why "I'm Sorry" is a Death Sentence to a Narcissist. · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  You've been waiting for an apology for weeks, maybe even
• 0:03
  months, maybe even years in some instances.
• 0:06
  You think that if I just understood how much did I hurt
• 0:09
  you that I would say that I'm sorry.
• 0:11
  But here's the confession from the mind of a diagnosed
• 0:14
  narcissist. I can't say I'm sorry because to
• 0:17
  me, an apology isn't a resolution to the issue for me.
• 0:22
  It's a surrender. Just like a lot of other
• 0:24
  narcissists out here, y'all you, a lot of people ask me why can't
• 0:27
  narcissists just just apologize? Why can't they just say I'm
• 0:30
  sorry for whatever they've done to you?
• 0:32
  This is why. Because it's surrendering to
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  you. It's not.
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  It won't end the argument. It won't make you feel better.
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  It might make you feel better, but to me, it won't make me feel
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  better. And you know, in the mind of a
• 0:43
  narcissist, how it works is that it's all about me.
• 0:47
  I cannot say the words I'm sorry without getting angry, without
• 0:53
  feeling weak, without feeling like a bad person, which happens
• 0:57
  to a lot of narcissistic people. We feel like we are bad people.
• 1:00
  We feel like we are being attacked.
• 1:02
  When you want us to apologize, even when we know we have done
• 1:06
  something wrong, even when I know that I'm wrong, it's
• 1:10
  painful. It actually hurts me, right?
• 1:14
  You got to think about that right there from that angle.
• 1:16
  Because in the narcissistic mind, in my mind, being wrong
• 1:21
  equals being worthless. It equals being a bad person.
• 1:25
  And I don't want to be either, right?
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  I don't want to be either. Because that will shatter the
• 1:32
  perfect image that I have for myself, or at least at least the
• 1:37
  perfect image that I am exuding to the world, right?
• 1:41
  The perfect image that I want you to see, The perfect image I
• 1:44
  want other people to see. And I don't want that, right?
• 1:48
  Do you? Do you?
• 1:50
  I'm asking like, do you want it? I know you want it because you
• 1:52
  want me to say sorry. You want me to know that I'm not
• 1:55
  perfect. You want your partner to know
• 1:56
  that they're not perfect. But that's not how it works in
• 1:58
  the mind of a narcissist. I promise you it doesn't.
• 2:00
  We're not worried about other people.
• 2:02
  We're worried about our own image in this situation right
• 2:05
  here. Because like, think, think about
• 2:07
  it like this. If I personally admit that I
• 2:10
  have made a mistake. And this can go for your partner
• 2:12
  as well, your partner, your parent, whoever it is, right?
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  If I personally admit that I have made a mistake, that
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  perfect image, it does shatter. Just imagine this perfect piece,
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  this perfect huge piece of glass that I have built up, this
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  perfect glass structure that I have built up.
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  It's easy to break. If I say I'm sorry and I mean it
• 2:34
  right. If I say I'm apologize, you got
• 2:36
  me on camera. Or if I text it to you, that
• 2:38
  bust the whole damn thing up, right?
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  Why would I want to bust it up right?
• 2:43
  Why would I want to bust it up like it and this, and it's not
• 2:48
  funny. But like this can go for a lot
• 2:49
  of narcissists in my mind. Sometimes I would rather you
• 2:53
  just walk away than me than for me to admit that I'm wrong, for
• 2:57
  me to admit that I'm a villain. Now I know what some of y'all
• 3:01
  are going to say. All right?
• 3:01
  You were like, well, Lee, am I not worth it?
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  Am I in my value, not high enough for them?
• 3:07
  Am I not worth enough? Yeah.
• 3:09
  You got to stop thinking about in terms of you.
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  I know I'm talking about in terms of me and selfishness and
• 3:14
  narcissist, right? I know I'm telling how I'm
• 3:16
  talking. I'm talking about how you talk.
• 3:18
  I'm talking about how you speak. I'm talking about how you feel,
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  right? Because at the end of the day,
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  it is going to be more about you and your dynamics and that what
• 3:25
  goes on right here. But you have to take you sound
• 3:28
  like you have to take off the narcissist shoes and stop trying
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  to put your feet into them. Like you cannot fit a size 19
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  clown shoe. You cannot fit that.
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  Your foot is your foot is not going to fit into a night size
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  19 clown shoe. So you have to stop trying to
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  understand that right there. We'll leave.
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  Maybe if I stick around for a long time, maybe they'll
• 3:51
  apologize. The longer you look, the longer
• 3:54
  you stick around, the more likely I don't apologize because
• 3:57
  why would I think about it from that position right there?
• 4:00
  Why would I apologize if you're going to stick with me?
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  Why would I say I'm sorry if you're going to be around me?
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  Why? Why would I do that?
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  You see what I'm saying? What?
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  What's like the realistically, I'm not trying to chastise
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  anybody, but what sense does that make right there?
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  In that situation? Why would I admit to being
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  wrong? If you're not going to leave, If
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  I'm not being held accountable, why would I admit to being
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  wrong? The longer you stay, the more
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  likely it is that I won't apologize.
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  Not the other way around. I know people like, well, he's
• 4:29
  going to apologize. If I stay, she will apologize.
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  No, no, no. Now, I think you stayed long
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  enough that I think it's OK, right?
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  I think it's fine. I think it's cool.
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  Why y'all think about why wouldn't I think it's OK?
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  Why wouldn't I think it's fine? Because you still with me,
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  right? You're still here.
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  This is why you, a lot of narcissists use your presence in
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  the relationship as an excuse to treat you a certain type of way.
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  And I feel like y'all have got to get that in your minds as
• 5:00
  well. They're going to use your
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  presence, you're you being in a relationship with me as a reason
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  to treat you badly. I know that sounds ass backwards
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  and you like, well, Lee, why? Why would they treat use it as a
• 5:14
  reason to treat us badly when they could just treat us good?
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  That's not how it works, man. I'm just telling you they're
• 5:20
  going to treat you a certain they're going to treat you how
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  they want to treat you. And if you're in a relationship
• 5:25
  with somebody like this, it's kind of like if you want to make
• 5:27
  it work, because I do a lot of one on ones over zoom with
• 5:30
  people that want to make it work right.
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  I tell them straight up, you have to change who you are
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  because I'm not going to change who I am, right?
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  I'm going to stick with myself. If I've never y'all know how
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  many people I talk to that tell me Lee, I've been in a
• 5:44
  relationship with this person. I've been married for 20 years.
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  I've never heard them ever say I'm sorry.
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  I'm like, chances are you're probably never going to hear it.
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  Then they like they've never said I'm sorry to anything
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  they've done to me over the last X amount of years.
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  And I was like, chances are you probably will never hear it from
• 6:00
  them because why would you? Why do I need to apologize?
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  Why do I need to say I'm sorry when you are still right here?
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  You know what I'm saying? If they use your presence like
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  your presence is a permission slip for bad behavior.
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  And I'm not trying to justify anything when I say that.
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  I'm just telling you how the mind of somebody like that
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  works. Your presence becomes a
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  permission slip to treat you badly.
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  Your presence becomes an it becomes like I said, you being
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  with me just means that I don't have to apologize right and I
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  will say this as well right here.
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  Y'all think about like this. Remember earlier I said I
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  remember earlier I said I would rather you walk out the door.
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  Some of them will rather you leave, right?
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  And I think some people like in it like this thing about this
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  right here. If you leave, don't leave
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  thinking that that's going to change their mind, right?
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  Maybe if I leave, they'll apologize.
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  Maybe if I leave, it'll to change their minds.
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  No, y'all, y'all, y'all got to be realized.
• 6:59
  The ego is more important than you are sometimes.
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  And I'm not saying that to be mean.
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  I'm not trying to say that to make you question your worth or
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  your value. I'm just telling you how the
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  mind of a narcissist works. Their egos are more important
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  than your feelings. Their egos are more important
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  than your, your than the way you, you, you know what I'm
• 7:17
  saying? Than the relationship, then the
• 7:19
  family dynamic. Well, Leah, they, they can't say
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  sorry to keep the family together.
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  Yo, it ain't about you, right? It's not about you.
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  It really is 100% in my mind about me, right?
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  And let's get this straight right here as well, because I
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  know people are going to say this like, but I know people are
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  going to say this. Well, Lee, mine does say I'm
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  sorry, but they never admit they they never, they just say I'm
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  sorry or they'll just give me what they call a blanket
• 7:42
  statement apology or they'll say this and say that or blah, blah,
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  blah, Boo Boo, Boo BBB. They'll say and do all of this
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  stuff. They won't ever really truly
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  authentically apologize to me, right?
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  They'll just say they'll just give me a blanket apology or
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  they'll say something like what about what you did?
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  I'm not the only one guilty here.
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  I'm not the only one that fought right?
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  That happens. That's that's called a non
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  apology or a a blanket statement, an apology or I
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  forgot y'all had it. Somebody gave me a name for the
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  other day and I forgot it. It was a good one.
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  It was such a good one. If I think about it, I'm going
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  to if I think about it, I'm going to bring it up.
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  I forgot they caught it. It was such a good one.
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  Oh, God. Oh God, it's going to annoy me.
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  Y'all? Oh God, I wrote it down too.
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  I just, I don't know, gay while I'm recording.
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  But yeah, some of them will offer you non apologies.
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  Like, think about like this. I might say I'm sorry you feel
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  that way, or I'm sorry but you did this first.
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  That those are not apologies. Yeah.
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  Just because something includes the words I'm sorry or I
• 8:49
  apologize doesn't mean it's an actual apology.
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  That's a deflection tactic. It's a redirection to put some
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  guilt on you to, to divvy, to divvy up the blame, to make
• 9:00
  excuses for my behavior. I'm divvying up the blame.
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  I'm doing this. I'm doing that.
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  This is what's going to happen so many times to people, right?
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  They're going to divvy it up. They don't want to take
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  accountability. They're going to put a lot of
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  this stuff on you, right? They're going to put so much on
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  you. They're going to do so much to
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  you. They're going to try to hurt
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  you. They're going to try to make you
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  cry. They're going to try to do
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  things right here in order to, like I said, get you off of the
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  point. And sometimes, y'all, sometimes
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  they might meet your apology request with anger.
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  Imagine if you ask them to apologize or you try to hold
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  them accountable and you want them to show you some some type
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  of genuine or remorse or feel guilty or something like that
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  and they just started screaming at you.
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  They start yelling at you. They threatened to hurt you.
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  They threatened to put their hands on you.
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  They want to hurt or harm you. That can be true as well, right?
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  They'll threaten to do all of this other things right.
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  They'll threaten to do all of this other stuff and as I said,
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  it won't leave. They'll some people.
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  Y'all ever hear the theory or not?
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  The theory that that that that dog experiment Pavlov's dog
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  where they condition the dogs to salivate when they rang a bell.
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  Narcissists want to condition you like a doubt, like a like 1
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  of Pavlov's dogs. To not ask for an apology, to
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  not to just be, to just take it right?
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  Because you know things will get worse if you don't take it.
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  You know things will be bad if you come up.
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  You know you'll get yelled at. You know you get screamed at.
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  You know you, they might put their hands on you if you so
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  choose to stand up for yourself in this situation right here,
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  you got to think about that as well.
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  So many people do that right there too.
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  They will absolutely try to hurt you or try to harm you or try to
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  do so many things to you in these situations to make it like
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  I'm saying to get you so you don't bring it up to just keep
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  you quiet, right? And y'all understand how much I
• 10:46
  heard that phrase right there. The relationship is good when I
• 10:49
  don't speak. Is it though?
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  Is your relationship good but you not speaking or is it just
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  you just accepting that what's going on or you just afraid to
• 11:00
  bring things up because it causes it causes issues, it
• 11:03
  messes things up. It goes on like this, it goes on
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  like that. This is the process that so many
• 11:08
  people are going to experience and so many people are going to
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  deal with, right? I'm telling you right now that
• 11:13
  you are stronger than you need to.
• 11:15
  You are stronger than you think you are right?
• 11:17
  You don't need an apology. I'll, I'll say this in closing,
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  right? Y'all stop waiting on the words.
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  I'm sorry. Like my refusal to apologize,
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  like think about it like this. My refusal to apologize is the
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  closure. I'm refusing to say I'm sorry.
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  I'm refusing to take accountability.
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  That is the closure that you need.
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  So when the people just like to need closure, I needed to say
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  sorry. I'm just waiting on them to say
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  sorry. I'm waiting on them to
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  apologize. The person waiting on the
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  apology is the prisoner of the person that you that should be
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  apologizing. You're my prisoner.
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  As long as I don't apologize, I'm holding you in this mental
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  and sometimes physical sale because so many people that I do
• 11:56
  my calls with that I do my one on ones with say exactly that.
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  They say I'm waiting on an apology and I tell people like,
• 12:03
  if you, if you're waiting on an apology, you are my prisoner.
• 12:07
  You, like I said, you are going to be here.
• 12:10
  You are stuck with me. And that happens to so many
• 12:13
  people. Man, I, I really hate that so
• 12:14
  many people have to go through this, right?
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  Because they're looking foreclosure when they already
• 12:18
  have it. The behaviors are the closure,
• 12:20
  the refusal is the closure, the non accountability is the
• 12:23
  closure. And it has nothing to do with
• 12:25
  you. The way that I treat you has
• 12:28
  nothing to do with you. I promise you everybody's going
• 12:30
  to get it sooner or later. And I think that keeps a lot of
• 12:33
  people stuck as well because you think that if you change
• 12:37
  something about yourself, that you will be treated better, that
• 12:41
  it's all about you, that you don't want to give up on this
• 12:43
  person. Because if you think if you give
• 12:45
  up, they're going to treat the next person better.
• 12:47
  That's not how this works. That's not how this goes there.
• 12:52
  Everybody is going to get a bad version of me.
• 12:55
  Everybody is going to get a horrible version of me.
• 12:57
  Everybody's going to get the toxic version of me.
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  That's more likely of how this works as opposed to the the
• 13:02
  image of how you think it's going to work out seriously.
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  So you have to be safe. You have to take care of
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  yourself and you have to empower yourself in these situations
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  right here. Because if you don't, I'm just
• 13:10
  telling you that narcissistic person, tax person is going to
• 13:12
  run over top of you. They're going to hold you
• 13:14
  prisoner in this relationship because you're waiting on an
• 13:16
  apology. You're waiting on them to give
• 13:18
  you closure when it's not going to come y'all anyway, y'all
• 13:21
  think y'all make make to the end of this video.
• 13:23
  Make sure you hit the subscribe button if you haven't already.
• 13:26
  That's more podcast episodes coming for y'all soon.
• 13:30
  Check out my website mentalillness.net for all things
• 13:32
  Lee Hammock and I am out Peace.