Latest / Living Uncertain an OCD Podcast / Who Takes Care of the Spouse? OCD, ERP and Caregiver Self-Care (OCD)(Episode 36) (10/29/26)

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Who Takes Care of the Spouse? OCD, ERP and Caregiver Self-Care (OCD)(Episode 36) (10/29/26) · Living Uncertain an OCD Podcast

• Opening: Hello, and welcome to the podcast, Living Uncertain. This podcast is dedicated to obsessive compulsive disorder, OCD, and the primary treatment, exposure response prevention, ERP. OCD comes in many forms, such as contamination, perfectionism, checking, harm, superstitious, religious or moral, sexual orientation, and or relationship. ERP is the gold standard to treating OCD. and it focuses on deliberately confronting fears, the exposure, while refraining from compulsive rituals, the response prevention. With repeated exposures and without engaging in compulsions, we learn to tolerate anxiety and break the cycle of intrusive thoughts. We are a married couple that have faced both the challenges of OCD and the incredible healing that ERP can provide to your marriage, family, and your home. As a person who lives with OCD, I am much more than this diagnosis. We all can be. Marc and Stacee: Hi, y'all. I'm Stacy. And along with my husband, Mark, we want to thank you for once again living uncertain with us. Welcome to episode 36. We're so excited to be here again with you this week, discussing yet another piece of our story and our journey with you all in hopes of connecting with those of you who may be challenged with OCD and for those of you who love someone with OCD. As y'all know by now, this is the podcast that talks all things obsessive compulsive disorder and ERP, which is its treatment. And a big part of what we discuss in this podcast as well is what an impact having someone by your side to go through ERP and to carry those techniques into the home so that healing can happen, progress can happen quicker and more seamlessly in your life can be. And so a lot of what we've talked about is my husband Mark and his perspective on what it is like to be the spouse of someone who is being challenged by OCD. And tonight is one of those nights where we're gonna put the focus on his perspective and and what it means to love someone who has OCD. So I wanna ask you when you first started ERP. How do you think your you were able to deal with day to day situations went? Were they easy? Were they difficult? Do you mean the the situations where we would employ the exposures? Yeah. I mean they got easier with time. But at the beginning they were super difficult. Super challenging. Very, very difficult. Yes. So as the spouse with with you having O C D in the very beginning, it was it was definitely more difficult dealing with your O C D because we were just at the very beginning of beginning stages of treatment. Yes. Absolutely. So it be it was it was difficult. There were there were things that you and I have talked about, the driving, it was that was on my shoulders and making the kids doctor's appointments and stuff. That was on my shoulders at that time. Mm-hmm. and then as you started going through the ERP, you had to those were some of those exposures that you had to do. Yeah. And those, you know, now that we're you know, eight months, nine months. More than it feels like. Yeah. Yeah. We're we're definitely a lot further along because yeah, we're in almost November here. Mm-hmm. Coming up on almost year and a half then, really. Of you going through the the through ERP. It's definitely gotten easier. you're driving. Mm-hmm. You're you're taking care of kids' appointments and doing those type of things that before you didn't have the space for it. Correct. And I'm also not feeling the need to engage in compulsions like asking for your reassurance and and checking in with you or with others so much as I was doing before. And that was also taking up a great deal of my time. I also try to be as mindful as I can about all my mental compulsions and the ruminations that I have, those looping thoughts and I do what I can to hold myself accountable to not get involved with those as much. Those tend to be the tougher ones to stay on top of, but I do do my best. and and something as simple as you making that appointment, you used to check in, is that date okay? I would check in just to make sure that it was okay that I made the appointment. Yeah. And whether it was for one of our kids or for you or for me or it didn't even matter. Yeah. You think it's okay that I make this appointment? Do you think it's all right if I do this on this day? And and it would be it could be even just the smallest things. I know. I know. I remember. so that that I do think in the beginning of ERP was was more of a challenge for you. But now that we're at the the I don't want to say tail end. Yeah, it's I know what you're saying though. And it's not really the tail end of it, but now that we're this involved in it. Yes. The the exposures have gotten less scary. They've gotten more normalized in as a part of our family life, as a part of our marriage. The psychoeducation that we've had around OCD has made a huge, huge impact. Knowing what it looks like to have a compulsion, what it does to me, what it does to my brain, what it does to my relationships with others. Yeah. And and so for me, being the spouse, some of that stuff was was challenging. A lot of some things on your shoulders having to deal with some of those exposures because in my mind, it's like that just that's just we were just talking about one be careful now. We were just talking about one where where it was just like you you had a a a thought about it and I'm just kinda that's just that's just weird. Use the weird. That's a good word. That's a good word. Go ahead and use the word that I used because no, no, it's okay. Because I told you that it was something that I had seen a lot on social recently and that kind of Word had come up, which is, I think at its core, a lot of what OCD does, because we've talked about this before, where it lies to you, it it kind of gives you this irrational way of thinking. That to someone who doesn't suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder, does think, well, huh, that's weird. And I can see how you and and knowing who I am now and what I'm dealing with. I can understand that perspective on your part or anyone else's where they think, well, that's not very logical. What huh and it why would you even where is your brain even going there? And for me it it's frustrating. Yeah. I can understand. you're you're just like you you shake your head and go, Well, what the hell are you thinking? When when when you're, you know, it's your OCD's. The the thought, however irrational it is, is very, very real. And so it becomes the compulsion to, and this is where the compulsion of feeling like something isn't right, or the the the intrusive thought that something doesn't feel right, and what the compulsion looks like is so if something happens and I immediately get a thought and to anyone else it's irrational, but to me it's a completely very real, then my compulsion is often to check back in with that person. Cause my it's oftentimes related to a conversation or we all know text messages, emails, et cetera, that I have with people. And so if it doesn't click just right in my brain and I think something's just not right and I start to have an irrational thought, I immediately want to text them back. I immediately want to email them back. I immediately want to go have another conversation with them just to talk about something very simple to make sure that they're okay with me and that I didn't say anything wrong or I wanna go back into a room somewhere or my office once upon a time and replay the conversation in my head to make sure that I didn't say anything wrong or maybe or or really dive into what they're think what they must be thinking. And and to be honest, that causes so much distress and it's so overwhelming that it's takes up all your time. And and for me, like I mean, could have a conversation with somebody at work and I can turn around and walk away and I'm Done with that conversation. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. But it that's what the truth is. I understand. Well, I understand. And and the logical part of my brain says, Yes, that's it. But the OCD part of my brain goes, How in the hell do you do that? Yeah. You don't go back into your office and replay that conversation like three times, maybe four. No, not at all. Their part, your part, word for word, making sure that everything felt okay. And then if it didn't sit right, you have to go back and approach them again or send them a little text message or something. No. Just to make sure that it's you leave it on a good on a good note or a just right note. No. Ugh. How terrible that must be. I drop the mic and I I walk away. Drop the mic and walk away. I like that it kind of is. I like that. I I I hold on to the mic for dear life, everyone. That's you know, and you keep, you know, the audience going in your head. yes. And wonderful. No, it really hasn't. But one of the the reasons why we kind of talked about or want to talk about this is, you know, we put a lot of emphasis on your ERP and your treatment. Yes. That sometimes, you know, as the spouse, we forget to look at ourselves too. And to make sure we're taking care of ourselves. 110%. I agree. And And that's that becomes a challenge because you you you throw all of your energy into your ERP because at least I did because you A, we're going to therapy together and we were we were seeing the progress, I I was seeing the the positive progress with it and exactly excited and wanted to continue that going and so that you could get to the good side to where we didn't have to sit there and Talk about conversations that you had in your head five times ago about one statement that you said to somebody. And yes, like like and like you said, like five years ago. Yeah. And I'm still replaying that conversation. Sure. Yeah. I understand that. And and that's it's it's very difficult to to sometimes Sit there and and look at yourself as as a person that is the spouse of somebody that has OCD and making sure that you're taking care of yourself. So, like my eye, for example. Right. as you guys all know, I'm I've been dealing with eye issues now for two months. Several months. Three months almost. More than, yeah. And I have another surgery coming up again. Hopefully this is the last one, but this will be the fourth surgery on my right eye. Mm-hmm. And you know, right now I'm taking care of myself. You as you should. And it's taking a toll on you physically and mentally because it weighs on you. Because not only is he going through something that's affecting his health and his vision of all things, but we're also, as we've shared before, we are Gen Xers raising two teenage children. We are in the middle of two full-time jobs ourselves. We are Taking care of our our lives and and stress builds up and things get overwhelming and things happen and then health happens. You know, so like I I'm I don't want to say I was I've been trying to manage your O C D. Well, you're lucky you said it that way instead of manage me, because then we were gonna have a real big issue. But I was helping manage your ERP. Yes. In in 100%. Correct. And that's how I I was able to make so much progress so quickly. And we've been able to heal together as a couple and a family. And but then I also have to manage my job, which you know, when I have sixty employees. Yeah. And I have my eye issue going on. Exactly. You know, and at home, I mean here at home, you know, Stacy knows what's going on with with my eye. Avery n goes knows what's going on with our my eye. You know, my mom does and 'cause she's bringing me to the appointments for the surgery centers and stuff and so cute. I love it. You know, well Stacy can continue to work and not take PTO time, you know, and The benefits of having a retired parent. Times two. one of those two. Yes. And and be able to take you places and exactly. when you're forty eight years old, here's your mom driving you around I wish I could be a fly on the wall in that doctor's office. I'll tell you what. It's adorable. I just feel bad for her because she has to sit and wait while I'm, you know, under the knife type of thing. Yes, but you're your her youngest. Yeah. And even though you're forty eight, you're still her youngest and she wants to help you. And favorite. I'm I mean that's it's that's a whole nother episode of a podcast right there, but we'll just we'll just go with it. But I I I you know at work people ask me all the time, how's the eye? How's the eye? How's the eye? I hear that I know probably twenty times a day. And It's the same response I give Still there. It's in my head. Yeah. Because it hasn't gotten any better. I s I'm still, there's still a gas bubble in my eye. I can't see. It's the same response that I keep giving. And that's been that's like grating on me now. It's wearing on you. Sure. It is definitely wearing on me, to where I'm just like, Are you kidding me? I I don't wanna continue to deal with my my eye in this this problem that I'm having with it. would it be better just to be blind and go on by day to day or or do you go and take the chance and make sure the surgery goes through and I think it But it's hard. You know, like that's that's what I'm dealing with. And I've been so used to helping you with your O C D that you're now in a good spot. I mean you're now, you know, the week that I'm down face down looking at the floor. Yeah. You're taking care of me then. And I yes. And that's a different position that we've been in. It's in a very different position. It's a very different dynamic. And honestly, it's one that I very much embrace. And even though it's got its own set of challenges, because I haven't had to step up in that role very much in my life yet, I do truly embrace doing that. One is I get to take care of you after you have so amazingly and lovingly taken care of me and our children. over all these years. And so to give back to you is is a pretty amazing feeling. Which it yeah, I will say it is hard to ask for help when you've been the one that has been helping for so many years. Of course. so it's also that's hard for you. Yeah. To ask for help. Yeah. I've I've never been the type of person that that asks for help and another episode on another podcast somewhere. Yeah. I I I want to just no you know take care of the You're the fixer guy, you know? Yeah. That's who you are. And and and I think that this is a really interesting episode for us to bring up the idea that without my seeking treatment for OCD, without my getting the ERP, without my getting to a place where I could step up and take care of things without feeling like I needed to check in. re-embracing the uncertainty, being able to work through the mental compulsions or ruminations if they creeped up on me. I would not have been able to do that without you, without our therapist, without our family and and therapy in general. But it is the magic of therapy for those of us who have OCD, like to actually commit to that and to get into it and to heal because of the exposures and to make them go from the scariest, most challenging thing you've ever done to really feeling like it's making an impact in a positive way. We've talked about this before. I think we've even mentioned it on a previous episode. Had I not tackled a lot of the stuff that I've tackled, you having to be down right now and having these surgeries would be an immense challenge for our family. Yeah. I didn't even drive a car up until six or eight months ago. It it would have been a lot of I would have had to have moved a lot of chest pieces to me. Absolutely. And so the fact that now I, even though I still have OCD and I will tomorrow, and I will the day he has his fourth surgery, and I have had it all the rest of the time in between, I'm in a much better space. Most of the time, I'm still gonna have my days, but most of the time I'm in a better space where I can step up and finally take care of you. Yeah. And the OCD doesn't have to stop me from being able to take care of you when you need it. Because you're not immune to health issues or challenges or even feeling down or you know, mentally exhausted over whatever it might be, because that's what life is. And to finally not let my OCD drive the car, so to speak, and allow me to help you and help our family speaks to it speaks volumes of the power of therapy. And honestly, the way that we approached ERP. It was different for sure. And and that's a big part of what we like to talk about on on these episodes is that we took a very unique approach to OCD therapy and to ERP itself. And and a lot of that had to do with this amazing collaboration between the two of us and our therapist. And and it allowed us to move through the process with a certain sort of Magic almost. I don't know how how else to describe it. It w no, it's it was definitely it's definitely it feels like magic. It does. it w we put a lot of work and a lot of time and effort into it. definitely more you than me. Well, I think we did we we gave our efforts in different ways. Yeah. But I think the fact that that a spouse's health, whether it's physical or mental, etc., should never be overlooked. And even though those of us who have OCD who are being lied to by it and tricked by it and made to feel like we need the compulsions in order to survive. It's hard to explain because it's hard to think that that's where I lived for so long and I wouldn't have been able to help you like I am now. Yeah. And your health shouldn't be overlooked because I struggle with OCD. Because I will say that my eye thing is definitely taking a mental strain on me. I have to notice. I'm sure the listeners have noticed too, you know. I definitely I'm not as upbeat as I have been in, prior to the eye. You're gonna get back there. Hey, hopefully by the end of December, I will have clear vision. I can go sit in the the the eye doctor's office and they're gonna say, can you see the chart? And I'm gonna be able to say yes, I can see the chart. I can see the whatever line I can see because right now I just see hand movements. That's it. Yeah. And and it it is it gets frustrating. And to know that I have to go into this next round of of surgery again and it's it's gonna be a lot of the same as I've done for the past two. I I still have to be down, face down and hopefully not as long because the retina has attached. But they just wanna make sure that it doesn't detach again. So that's why I've gotta stay face down for Good gracious. sixties and here we go. Round three of the adventures of Stacy. Let's see where I have to drive. Let's see who I have to take. pick her up. Okay. I can do that. That's easy. I can do that. I can get you to your doctor's appointments. Yeah. I've got two in that. I can do that. I can, you know, make the run for pizza and do all of that stuff. The next challenge everybody is for her to cook. that's my twenty twenty seven goal, y'all. I tackled OCD. Now I tackle the kitchen. I'm not much in the kitchen. As you can imagine, I've had to, you know, seek reassurance and get check do check ins a lot when I would move around in the kitchen and do certain things to try to cut. Why are you looking at me? Okay, when she would be baking. We already talked about the irrational side of it tonight. Why are you watching me? I can't do this while I you're watching me. Well You're judging me. Also well, also thinking, is it okay if I put this cup of whatever water in there? Is it okay if I turn this burner on? Is it okay if I can I do this? Do you think that's gonna be okay? I mean it c it goes on and on. So that's the next seven, y'all. Is the cooking with me in the kitchen. You see, now we've just A love note to our therapist. Yes, I know it's already coming. Do your worst. She's gonna be like, pick a recipe. Here it is. You gotta make it. But I wanna do it. I cause I've always wanted to be a little better in the kitchen. I've always wanted to cook. So 2027, that's the goal to tackle. Everyone has their New Year's resolutions, the things they want to do. We're coming up to the end of twenty twenty six, thinking ahead to the next year or so. We got it. We got it. My eye will be better. It will be. We'll we'll get through this stuff. We'll start to be a little more even keel. But it is important to think about your spouses and your loved ones. Those of us who have O C D, we know. We know what it does to us. We know that there are people in our lives that are trying so hard and are succeeding in helping us. So so we need when you know, if you are we can't overlook them. If you are in this type of position like Stacy and I are where she's gone through your P and she's in a good spot. make sure that if you're that person that has the OCD, check in with your spouse. Make sure they are doing okay. Because they've been checking in on you a lot. And checking in on how your spouse is doing doesn't count as a compulsion, just to be clear. No. And and they will tell you, I'm fine, we're good, because they They feel like they need to be the rock for you to to make it through and to, you know, continue that growth. But once you've got some exposures under your belt and once the therapy starts to take hold, you can be a rock too. Yes. Might be a little smaller rock, but it'll grow. It'll get bigger. And I feel like that's the stage that we're entering into now. 100%. And I think we attribute so much of that to the success that we've had because of therapy. I yeah. We got this. Here we go. We want to thank you for living uncertain with us today. As always. continue to listen. And if you know anybody that can benefit from our show, take and forward it over to them and hopefully they were they will join the group that is continuously listening to us on a regular basis. Please please share it out to anyone who might benefit and just know we're here We wanna be a part of this community. We are a part of this community. We wanna help build it, support it and and make sure that OCD finally gets the advocacy and the awareness that it deserves. And until next week. And I just want to say, so does our Australian Shepherd that you will hear in the background barking every now and then. I apologize for that. Get an Australian Shepherd, they said. It's a very calm dog, they said. The Australian Shepherd's a if situation. So for those of you out there, if you're thinking about getting one, if you're thinking about getting one, reach out to us. Thank you for listening, everybody. Until next time. Bye-bye. Marc & Stacee: Thank you for joining us on today's episode and Living Uncertain with us. We are not therapists and this podcast is intended to provide information and support. It should not replace traditional means of seeking help from a licensed mental health professional. If you like this episode or would like to hear more, please like, subscribe or share with someone you think may benefit. Here at Living Uncertain, we're building a community of support. If you and your significant other would like to share your story, we would love to have you on the podcast. Please click on the link in the episode description and fill out the interest form.