Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #42 Life Balance

Transcript

#42 Life Balance · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Is Happy Batley's podcast with doctor Justin Coulson, where Luke
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: and Suzie parents of three little boys, and this is
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: the podcast for those of us who are time poor parents.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: There just one answers now and.
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: One message that came through to the show recently. Luke
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: said this, I would love if you would be able
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: to chat about balance on your show at some point.
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: I currently feel like I'm being pulled in a million directions.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: And most of us go a million directions. Is that all?
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: It is a day and age where we often have
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: a lot of commitments and a lot of different things
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: pulling us in lots of different ways, and lots of
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: things to fill our time with someone to try and
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: bring some wisdom around this whole area as doctor Justin Coulson,
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: and this time we kind of took taking you a
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: bit broader than just families. You do tend to specialize
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: in parents and families, but on the whole, this whole
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: area of balance in our homes and in our life
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: is something that I guess we're thinking about all the time.
• 0:55
  Speaker 3: It is I'm not sure that I believe in it.
• 0:57
  Speaker 3: I'm not sure that it's really achievable. What I would
• 1:00
  Speaker 3: prefer to focus on is how we can be intentional
• 1:02
  Speaker 3: about what we're doing, how we can focus our awareness,
• 1:05
  Speaker 3: where our attention goes, our energy flows. And so I'm
• 1:09
  Speaker 3: more inclined to say, are you going to get balanced? Well,
• 1:11
  Speaker 3: probably not, because there's always something that's urgent, there's always
• 1:13
  Speaker 3: something that needs a fire that needs to be put out.
• 1:16
  Speaker 4: Instead, let's look at ways that we can.
• 1:19
  Speaker 3: Prioritize, focus on the roles that matter most, and focus
• 1:24
  Speaker 3: on being intentional in the moment that we're in.
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and understanding things are seasonal too. Sometimes. I know,
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: I look at Luke's life and it's ridiculous the amount
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: of times he's working seven days a week for a
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: couple of weeks in a row. But we know that's
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: that season, and his life might feel like it's out
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: of balance for a while, but he's actually getting energized
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: the whole time. He doesn't feel out of balance, but
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: the family life gets a little knocked out.
• 1:53
  Speaker 4: Of it a bit. If you look. I travel around
• 1:56
  Speaker 4: the country.
• 1:56
  Speaker 3: I'm in and out of corporations and schools and organizations
• 1:59
  Speaker 3: on a daily basis, literally from one end of this
• 2:02
  Speaker 3: country to the other, and even overseas, and so there
• 2:06
  Speaker 3: are times where I'm on the road for longer than
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: i want to be, and that's very hard for the family.
• 2:11
  Speaker 3: We try to minimize that, but it's really hard. So
• 2:13
  Speaker 3: from that point of view, there's very little balance. But
• 2:16
  Speaker 3: when you're focused on the micro picture, when you're zooming
• 2:20
  Speaker 3: in really close, it's hard to know whether you're in
• 2:22
  Speaker 3: balance or not.
• 2:23
  Speaker 4: You need to.
• 2:23
  Speaker 3: Step back and have a look at the week, or
• 2:24
  Speaker 3: have a look at the month and say, well, on balance,
• 2:27
  Speaker 3: how has the month gone.
• 2:29
  Speaker 4: So if we just focus on balance for.
• 2:31
  Speaker 3: A moment before we move to intention and intentionality what
• 2:35
  Speaker 3: we do in our families.
• 2:36
  Speaker 4: We have things like super Saturday.
• 2:38
  Speaker 3: So Saturdays and Sundays are sacred days for our family
• 2:41
  Speaker 3: because I'm so busy during the week, like most parents,
• 2:46
  Speaker 3: you know, out and about doing stuff, and then the
• 2:48
  Speaker 3: afternoons are busy, and the mornings are busy, and the
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: evenings are exhausting, and so Saturday and Sunday we try
• 2:54
  Speaker 3: to get get some balance back. And we try to
• 2:57
  Speaker 3: make sure that we have a monthly camping trip. We
• 3:00
  Speaker 3: don't do it every month. We probably could be better,
• 3:02
  Speaker 3: but most months we go go away for twenty four
• 3:04
  Speaker 3: hours or forty eight hours. Sometimes it takes longer to
• 3:07
  Speaker 3: pack the dark car.
• 3:09
  Speaker 4: They were actually camping for you.
• 3:12
  Speaker 3: But we do that and it's just so refreshing and
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: rejuvenating and balancing. And you know, you can go camping
• 3:20
  Speaker 3: once a month, even if it's in the backyard.
• 3:23
  Speaker 4: The kids love to have that experience.
• 3:25
  Speaker 3: Get a little brazier from the local hardware store that
• 3:28
  Speaker 3: will cost you forty fifty sixty bucks. Get some wood
• 3:31
  Speaker 3: roast marshmallows in the backyard. I mean, why not set
• 3:34
  Speaker 3: up the two man ten in the backyard and camp
• 3:35
  Speaker 3: out with the kids, or go somewhere. I always go
• 3:38
  Speaker 3: somewhere close to food because I don't want to cook
• 3:40
  Speaker 3: while I go camping, so I buy pizza because I'm
• 3:42
  Speaker 3: lazy and it's just too hard.
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: To you're efficients, I believe that's exactly right.
• 3:47
  Speaker 4: But again, this is about the balance.
• 3:48
  Speaker 3: I don't want to go camping with my kids and
• 3:52
  Speaker 3: lose the opportunity to be with him because I've got
• 3:54
  Speaker 3: to clean dishes in semi cold water in a base
• 3:56
  Speaker 3: and that's too small for anything.
• 3:57
  Speaker 4: To fit all the drivers. Go with that.
• 4:00
  Speaker 3: Other things that we can do in our home. We've
• 4:03
  Speaker 3: discovered that mornings are a challenge for a couple of
• 4:06
  Speaker 3: our daughters. Six daughters, it's obvious that some of them
• 4:08
  Speaker 3: aren't going to like mornings, and so we wake them
• 4:11
  Speaker 3: up fifteen minutes early as a result of the fact
• 4:13
  Speaker 3: that they don't like mornings, which sounds like torture it.
• 4:17
  Speaker 3: But then we say to them, would you like a
• 4:19
  Speaker 3: massage before we get the morning going, and they respond
• 4:22
  Speaker 3: so well to that. We lay them on this sofery
• 4:26
  Speaker 3: thing and we give them a five minute massage their
• 4:29
  Speaker 3: feet or their hands, or their shoulders or the back,
• 4:31
  Speaker 3: and it helps them to wake up in a really nice,
• 4:33
  Speaker 3: balanced way. It helps us to be intentional in our
• 4:36
  Speaker 3: relationship and start the day in a way where we
• 4:38
  Speaker 3: can say, what are you looking forward to today?
• 4:41
  Speaker 4: How are you feeling about life?
• 4:42
  Speaker 3: We can start to engage in conversation with them. These
• 4:46
  Speaker 3: are the kinds of things that can help us to
• 4:48
  Speaker 3: get balanced by doing little things.
• 4:50
  Speaker 4: Here and there. Take a twenty minute vacation personally during
• 4:54
  Speaker 4: the day.
• 4:55
  Speaker 3: Maybe it's during your lunch break and you can just
• 4:58
  Speaker 3: go somewhere quiet at work and have twenty minutes where
• 5:01
  Speaker 3: you just have your own space. Or maybe if you're
• 5:04
  Speaker 3: at home, you run a bath and have a twenty
• 5:06
  Speaker 3: minute bath, or you go for a twenty minute walk
• 5:08
  Speaker 3: with the dog, just to get out of the house
• 5:10
  Speaker 3: and get out of the routine of the cleaning and
• 5:11
  Speaker 3: the drama and all the stuff that's got to be done.
• 5:13
  Speaker 3: And you know, people keep on saying, but I don't
• 5:15
  Speaker 3: have time. There's this law, I can't remember the name
• 5:17
  Speaker 3: of the law. I think it's called Parkinson's law. That
• 5:19
  Speaker 3: any activity that you're doing will expand to fill the
• 5:22
  Speaker 3: amount of space that you have to do the activity.
• 5:24
  Speaker 3: So if you reduce the space by doing something else,
• 5:26
  Speaker 3: it's amazing how much you can still get done. So
• 5:28
  Speaker 3: go for the twenty minute walk, have that twenty minute vacation.
• 5:31
  Speaker 3: These things help us to get balance.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: It's interesting because we often throw out the cliche of
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: using the aeroplane analogy of putting the oxygen mask on
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: yourself before you try and help others. But part of
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: the intentionality that you're talking about is if you'll feel
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: like you're pulled in a million different directions, then maybe
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: you're the one who needs to take that fifteen minutes
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: and intentionally go take a breather, relax calm is if
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: it's read a book, if it's and if you take
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: fifteen twenty thirty minutes, what does it take to suddenly
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: feel like you've got more energy and the ability to
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: be intentional with everything else.
• 6:05
  Speaker 3: So there's also a big difference between ME time and
• 6:08
  Speaker 3: WE time, and typically if people feel like they're out
• 6:12
  Speaker 3: of balance and their families are out of balance, there's
• 6:15
  Speaker 3: that inclination to have me time, and a little bit
• 6:18
  Speaker 3: of that is important, as we've just identified. But what
• 6:22
  Speaker 3: the research shows is that we invest when we invest
• 6:24
  Speaker 3: in WE time, when we're intentional about the way we
• 6:27
  Speaker 3: spend our time with our family, and when we get
• 6:30
  Speaker 3: that right, we actually feel more balanced. So let me
• 6:34
  Speaker 3: give you another couple of examples from my family or
• 6:36
  Speaker 3: from families that I know. We're a family that has
• 6:40
  Speaker 3: a faith background. You don't have to have a faith
• 6:42
  Speaker 3: background to do this, but we have what we call
• 6:44
  Speaker 3: our fifteen minutes of faith every morning at six forty five,
• 6:47
  Speaker 3: and I play a song on the piano. I can
• 6:48
  Speaker 3: play about three songs, and that's one of them. I
• 6:51
  Speaker 3: play the song on the piano. When the kids hear that,
• 6:53
  Speaker 3: they know that that's the time to come into the
• 6:54
  Speaker 3: living room so that we can have our fifteen minutes
• 6:56
  Speaker 3: together and during that time we read inspirational ideas and stuff,
• 7:03
  Speaker 3: or we memorize poems or quotes, or we talk about
• 7:05
  Speaker 3: our day, and we spend our morning in that with
• 7:09
  Speaker 3: that focus.
• 7:10
  Speaker 4: Now again, you don't have to have a faith to
• 7:12
  Speaker 4: do that.
• 7:12
  Speaker 3: You might find an inspirational poem and say, kids, we're
• 7:14
  Speaker 3: going to memorize this for the next two weeks, or
• 7:16
  Speaker 3: we're going to learn about somebody who did something inspiring
• 7:19
  Speaker 3: each morning so that we can learn from them how
• 7:21
  Speaker 3: to be curious or how to have perseverance. We can
• 7:24
  Speaker 3: talk about values and character traits and virtues and teach
• 7:29
  Speaker 3: our children this stuff, regardless of our philosophical underpinnings. So
• 7:34
  Speaker 3: we do that every morning at six forty five, after
• 7:36
  Speaker 3: the kids have had their massage. It's a great way
• 7:38
  Speaker 3: to get the morning going. And then we crank up
• 7:40
  Speaker 3: some music because that helps everybody to feel good for
• 7:43
  Speaker 3: the rest of the morning. Some other families that I know,
• 7:45
  Speaker 3: they'll have one night per week where there are no screens,
• 7:49
  Speaker 3: there are no interruptions, there are no meetings, there are
• 7:51
  Speaker 3: no appointments.
• 7:52
  Speaker 4: There are no exceptions.
• 7:53
  Speaker 3: Everybody is together and they have their family night where
• 7:56
  Speaker 3: they play games, or they talk, or they do stuff,
• 7:59
  Speaker 3: and they're actually intentional about what they're doing. And we
• 8:02
  Speaker 3: can do all these sorts of things. I mean, you're
• 8:04
  Speaker 3: only limited by your imagination. And it's amazing what happens
• 8:07
  Speaker 3: when we forget about me time and we focus on
• 8:09
  Speaker 3: we time intentionally.
• 8:11
  Speaker 4: We feel like that balance comes back.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: My guess is that your kids are more efficiently able
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: to take care of themselves because you've made sure they
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: started the day in a good space that like, as
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: in what it returns to you and whether this is
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: your intention or not, like, you probably have to put
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: less emotion and effort into them to get ready to
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: get into the day because of what you've done here.
• 8:34
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I think so.
• 8:35
  Speaker 3: The other thing that we do, and it's probably worth
• 8:38
  Speaker 3: just highlighting, is we don't tell our kids what to
• 8:39
  Speaker 3: do to get ready in the morning. We ask them
• 8:43
  Speaker 3: what they still need to do, which takes away all
• 8:45
  Speaker 3: of that correction and direction and all of the stress.
• 8:47
  Speaker 3: Instead of saying, where are your shoes? Why haven't you
• 8:49
  Speaker 3: got your shoes? What do you mean you don't know
• 8:50
  Speaker 3: what your shoes are?
• 8:51
  Speaker 4: And you know, all that.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: Sounds like my morning on the morning, okay, Instead got
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: the emotions.
• 8:57
  Speaker 4: We just say to the children, what's next? What do
• 9:01
  Speaker 4: you still need to do? Do you need any help?
• 9:03
  Speaker 4: And so they have to sort of run through in
• 9:05
  Speaker 4: their mind. What have I done?
• 9:06
  Speaker 3: Okay, I've packed my bag, but I haven't had break Yeah,
• 9:08
  Speaker 3: I need some breakfast. Okay, DoD any help with that? No,
• 9:10
  Speaker 3: I'm fine?
• 9:11
  Speaker 4: Do you know what me? And so we don't tell
• 9:12
  Speaker 4: them what to do.
• 9:13
  Speaker 3: We ask them what needs to be done, and then
• 9:15
  Speaker 3: we ask them if they need any help, And it's
• 9:17
  Speaker 3: remarkable how much more effective they are because we're not
• 9:21
  Speaker 3: on their case.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: Great, I love that.
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: I love that.
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: I'm already picturing changes in my head. Doctor Justin Coulson,
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: you bring the wisdom. Thank you so very much for
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: answering our question about balance.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: I think we need to go to his place and
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: be a part of his family too. If there's massa,
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: it's my first thought too. Thanks doctor Justin.
• 9:42
  Speaker 4: Thanks guys.
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: For more information on all of doctor Justin's books, podcasts, programs,
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: you can find them all at Happy Families dot com
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: dot au. But don't forget Justin is available to speak
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: at your school or organization. You can find out more
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: at Justincolson dot com