Latest / Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce / 259. The Real Reason You Struggle to Get Help After Divorce (pssst - you're not crazy you're just carrying too much!)

Transcript

259. The Real Reason You Struggle to Get Help After Divorce (pssst - you're not crazy you're just carrying too much!) · Dear Divorce Diary: A Fresh Approach To Healing Grief & Building A Life Of Confidence After Divorce

• 0:50
  Speaker 1: If you've been holding your world together alone since the divorce, running on fumes, running the show quietly, running out of steam, the forgetfulness, the exhaustion, the reactivity.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: It's your nervous system showing you the cost of being the one who always shows up, even when no one else does.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: Today we're talking about why it's actually hard for you to accept help.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: That's weird, because it's the thing you need most and how learning to let go of the life you imagine can open the door to real freedom, the thing you're craving.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: Hi love, welcome to Dear Divorce Diary, the podcast helping divorcees go beyond talk therapy to process your grief, find the healing you crave and build back your confidence.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, a therapist, coach, integrative healer and divorcee.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: Join me for a fresh approach to healing grief and building your confidence after divorce.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: Confidence after divorce.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: In today's episode, we're going to talk about the exceptionally, far too long history of no one showing up for you consistently.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: We're going to acknowledge how you've been there for everyone your kids, your ex, your friends, your coworkers but when you need someone to carry a piece of your load, it feels like the room gets quiet.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: And we're going to talk about how sometimes that's a very real pattern and how sometimes it's a perceived pattern.
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: But we're also going to talk about the difficulty receiving help, because sometimes help feels foreign or we feel guilty or like there's going to be some string attached or some repayment involved, and the anxiety we feel about actually receiving help and maybe feeling like a burden, that sort of tenseness that when somebody is trying to give you something feels uncomfortable.
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: And then we're going to wrap it up by talking about how to cultivate actual freedom.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: Right, because it doesn't just mean more time or less stress, but it's this sort of physical, emotional and mental space to be yourself without bracing for the next demand.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: And I know when I said without bracing, you were like that.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: That's the thing.
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: So at the end of the episode we're going to talk about how to cultivate the kind of freedom that lives in your nervous system.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: Hi, loves, hey.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: Hi Hi, hi, loves, hey, let's talk about how it feels like no one shows up.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: No one shows up, right?
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: I know that that's a pattern.
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: I think for most of us began in our childhood this idea that we were doing emotional labor on the behalf of our family systems.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: I think a long time right.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: When we have sort of anxious or disorganized attachment styles, it's like literally right Like I cried and no one showed up.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: Actually I was.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: I was colicky and I think people did show up, but I think, um, it couldn't penetrate.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: The colic I've learned actually was a.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: It was a symptom of my parents' marriage and of my mom's vibration while she was carrying me, and so it's like all that I was already carrying it when I was born.
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: It was already hard for them to console me when I was born Right, and so it's like I just from go, I had all of that in my body.
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: So no one shows up for me.
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: What's your lady's experience with feeling that in your lives, your childhoods, your marriages, your post-marriage sit-chews?
• 4:18
  Speaker 3: I was always the friend who checked on my friends.
• 4:21
  Speaker 3: I was always the anchor of my friend groups, even from elementary school, like I can remember just being the friend that always showed up for my friends who were crying, who were upset that day, and I think it was a way for me to deflect from my own issues at the time.
• 4:39
  Speaker 3: So I just remember just being the strong one always, and my friends always seen me as this powerhouse of a woman and I feel like I've always had this hard exterior always, and people just always perceive that I'm okay, that I have it together, that everything's fine, because I don't show it, I don't cry a lot, I don't complain a lot, I just kind of go along with it.
• 5:02
  Speaker 3: So I'm the one that everybody forgets to check on.
• 5:06
  Speaker 3: That's been my experience until I met you guys, but up until that, yeah.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: Wow.
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: You can definitely relate.
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: It's the, it's the, my manager, the people pleasing manager, that people like me If I have it all together, people like me if I am the like I a part of my identity I carried for years and years and years was the serving, like showing up for people.
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: That is what I do, that is who I am, that's what you know what I mean.
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: And so, a I couldn't, I didn't attract the people that served me.
• 5:49
  Speaker 2: But B when I started finally attracting those people that wanted to love me well and serve me well, I couldn't accept it because it was so ingrained in me that the core belief I wasn't worthy, I wasn't good enough for them to serve me, and so it was almost like I couldn't even see them.
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: Because it was so trained, I was so focused on my identity as serving others that people serving me meant that I wasn't good enough, like I failed.
• 6:31
  Speaker 3: I would fail if someone tried to help me because I didn't have them all together, I feel like I had a little bit of that too, joy, like I was always hyper independent, full of checklists all the time of things that I need to do, mm-hmm, and I just felt like it was kind of like this guard on my heart that if I handle it all, I'll never be disappointed because, I know that I can handle my shit.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: Isn't it cute, the lies we tell ourselves to survive.
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: I said for a long time that cluster headaches is the thing that broke me of that hyper independence because I couldn't write like it made it physically impossible for me to handle my life.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: It literally took God sending.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: I don't think that God sends cluster headaches right.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: I think that I lived my life in a way that led to cluster headaches right, but massive trauma response but like it physically broke me.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I couldn't, I couldn't couldn't carry right and I still did carry.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: I literally like, still worked and carried a pregnancy and whatever.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: But there was a lot of things I did have to put down, give up or receive help for, and it wasn't because I chose, it was because, yeah, I was so collapsed well, I remember when you had that thing with your foot, uh-huh, and that was like a few months ago yeah, yeah, yeah, right, rehabbing my kidneys.
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so I ended up in a wheelchair for a day and yeah, and then, and then I couldn't keep up with my family and I felt really not okay Panicky that I couldn't lead the pack.
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so it still sneaks in there.
• 8:04
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: Feeling behind.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: Or yeah, like I can't be in control.
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, like it can't be in control.
• 8:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that's probably a big one.
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: Control, yeah, as women right.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: Mm-hmm.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: Well, and I think that's how many of us learn to create a sense of safety which isn't actually control is not a sense of safety.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: Right, and that's sort of what this episode is about.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: Is like freedom is right and security is what feels like safety.
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: But most of us have been using control to create a sense of safety and security and that's not actually it.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: That's actually a wound, fucking tight nervous system.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: That's not.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: That's the opposite of safety.
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: Right, but it's what we have led ourselves to believe, which is fascinating.
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: And then we wonder why our hair is falling out and our thyroids aren't functioning and our hormones are all screwed up and whatever.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: And it's because of the mechanisms we've been using to try to find wellness and they don't work.
• 9:01
  Speaker 3: They temporarily work, I suppose, and that's what I experienced for 10 years.
• 9:05
  Speaker 3: I thought I was healed.
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: quote unquote after my divorce.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 9:10
  Speaker 3: And I wasn't.
• 9:12
  Speaker 3: I simply was never allowing anybody in, right, I didn't.
• 9:15
  Speaker 3: I simply was never allowing anybody in Right, I didn't allow people close to me, you know, because I was a control freak and I just, if I can, push everybody away.
• 9:25
  Speaker 3: I'm never going to experience hurt or pain or fear or anything like that again, I feel like my divorce felt very out of control and I never wanted to feel that way again.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, yes, I feel the same.
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: I just took a very different uh.
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: I was like I, this feels very out of control and I don't want to feel this way ever again.
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: And then, therefore, I'm going to do every healing thing I could ever do.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: So that right, I'm going to control it by like doing it.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: Right, yeah, and even still, that didn't work right, because the whole thing is is we have to get to safety, a sense of security and safety for our nervous systems to exhale and to put our burdens down.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: We have to actually feel safe, to feel, and that's, I think, the thing that most women can't figure out these days.
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: Right Is how to feel safe enough to feel all the things and still feel safe.
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: That's where we're stuck.
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so let's talk a little bit about receiving help, feeling foreign, right, because it's like, okay, look at the three of us, right, three badasses, if I might say so myself.
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: But how we trained ourselves in the world around us, right, to not need other people or to not let help in.
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: And, and there's this catch 22, 22 I feel like happens with women and I wonder if you ladies could talk about this where we know the thing we need but we can't figure out how to bridge the gap from I know the thing I need to being able to receive the thing I need, right, so, for instance, like I need a lot of help, but A I haven't created a life where there's a lot of helpers around, and B I no longer have the time or the energy or the feeling of safety to let the people in.
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: So it's like I see I need help, I see I need to change how I'm doing it, but it feels very uncomfortable.
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: I don't know where to find the people.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: I feel stuck in the knowing what I need but not being able to execute what I need.
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: So I wonder how you ladies sort of got from.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: Receiving help feels foreign, it feels hard.
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: I know I need it but I don't know where to find it or how to let it in, to like letting it in and having a life full of the thing that you need.
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: For me, much like your cluster headaches I had to get, I had to be broken by.
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: When I became a single mom, mother of three small girls.
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: Like I had to have help because I couldn't do it all, like I couldn't, it wasn't possible for me to be in three places at once or there wasn't enough of me.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: I don't think that there are many.
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: I'm sure there are more power to them, but like there's not a for me.
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: I did not plan on being a single mother and when it happened I needed, you know, I couldn't, I couldn't, I lost control, I was broken, I lost control and so I broke.
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: That was my, that was my pivotal moment in my life, when I had to accept help.
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: I had to let someone bring me a coffee because or you know, just like those things that when the people showed up, I had to let them love me and serve me and support my children, because I could not do it by myself, because I could not do it by myself.
• 13:39
  Speaker 3: I feel like and why, as moms, do we all?
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: Because I feel like we all feel the pressure that we have to do it.
• 13:43
  Speaker 3: I hear this from my clients all the time.
• 13:44
  Speaker 3: I have to do it by myself.
• 13:46
  Speaker 3: I feel like I'm not holding it all together.
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: I feel like I have to hold it together.
• 13:50
  Speaker 3: I chose to take because, in my life, this is my patterns.
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: I take the hardest road possible, and I'm not sure why I do that, you know.
• 13:58
  Speaker 3: So, instead of post divorce, moving back around family, I choose to move further away from my family with my two year old daughter and to a city where I knew nobody.
• 14:09
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and I had to figure it out on my own.
• 14:12
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't know if I was purposely punishing myself or like what I was trying to do in my life.
• 14:17
  Speaker 3: Right, yeah, doubling down on a protective strategy, yeah, like basically just building up these huge walls, like my walls were massive.
• 14:24
  Speaker 3: So I think just.
• 14:25
  Speaker 3: And then, like Joy, when I started realizing like, oh my God, like I have a job where sometimes I have evening meetings or weekend meetings, and what am I going to do?
• 14:35
  Speaker 3: So then I was forced to come out of my shell and I was forced to start making those connections with people that could help me with my daughter, and I hated it.
• 14:44
  Speaker 3: I hated leaving her with anybody.
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: I hated admitting that I couldn't do everything on my own and that I needed help.
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: Wow, maybe we don't talk about this enough as women do we.
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: Is this a conversation you hear happening on the instagram?
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: I do.
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: I recently saw someone who I think they're three divorced women and they moved in together to do the sort of communist style like support each other right isn't that right like?
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: That's I love that's genius right.
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah for sure.
• 15:15
  Speaker 3: And why can't we ask for support from other women?
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that feels lucky to us right Because we're having compare and despair.
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: We're in low-key or high-key competition with yeah, she'll think less of me.
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: Well does everybody freak out about how they look on the camera before we press record on this podcast.
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: Right, it's not for us, it's for the way.
• 15:42
  Speaker 3: Like why, right, like why yeah, whatever, we're gonna show up next week with no makeup on no, but that's, that's the the thing, right it's like what will they think of me yeah.
• 15:56
  Speaker 3: I think that was my thing.
• 15:57
  Speaker 3: I always had this appearance that everything was being held together, whether it was in my marriage or in my life like I never let stuff show ever, and when I, when all of my shit fell apart and I came unripped at the seams, it was bad, like it was me out on a stage with a big spotlight and I was terrified.
• 16:15
  Speaker 3: I was terrified what people were going to think, what they were going to say.
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: I think that that was sort of the beauty for me in I'm going to say quote unquote losing it all when I got divorced, right, losing my marriage, you know, really had a major break between me and some family members and then, shortly thereafter that, quit my job and started my own practice.
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: And so in that sort of space is where I found my first bout of freedom, right Like where I could be myself.
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: My nervous system still didn't feel super safe, but for the first time ever I felt like I could be myself and that was hugely, hugely, hugely freeing for me.
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: And, um, I think then I found some courage Don't ask me how to decide that if I could just be one of those people that put all my faults and flaws and insecurities and liabilities on the internet, then you couldn't hurt me with them, right.
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: So it was sort of like I'm going to make peace with all these dark, twisty places in myself so that you can't hurt me with it, right.
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: So I think that's so much about what, like on my website where I talk about divorce and the time I was arrested and whatever you know, like all the things, right.
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: Or on the podcast, how I've talked about having herpes and curing it with homeopathy and whatever.
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: It's just very, very freeing to me to feel like if I'm just honest and transparent, you great, then I've made peace with it, and I don't, you can't, can't weaponize me with it, yeah.
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I don't know if that's.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: Is that true healing or is that defensive?
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: Maybe a little bit of both.
• 17:51
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think it is because, since I've been with you and I, you know, have written my more and more of my story to like our online community and things like that, and I'm pulling back all of these things.
• 18:00
  Speaker 3: And you know, when I first, like, started guesting, I told Don, these are the certain things that I don't want to talk about.
• 18:05
  Speaker 3: And now it's kind of just like a free throw right, like now, I really don't fucking care what anybody knows about me, what's out there, whatever it's out there, whatever it's out there, and I'm going to own it.
• 18:15
  Speaker 3: And if you bring it to me, yeah, I'm going to have a conversation about it, like it's fine.
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: Right Shame can't live in the light.
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: Right Shame can't live in the light.
• 18:23
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so so do we still struggle with receiving help?
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: The three of us like, do we?
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: How have we gotten good at receiving help?
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: What are the little pockets where maybe it still feels a little foreign even to us?
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: I have?
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: I would like to just say I have turned over a lot of receiving to the two of you over the last couple years, right like I have learned to let go of so much control.
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: Um, yeah, for sure, but I know there are still spots where I'm like Ooh little spots.
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: Here and there.
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: I still get super proud of you and you're just like don't.
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: Today you were like don't bother my brain with that question, like it's not a detail, like I want you to handle it.
• 19:09
  Speaker 2: I want you to take over and I was like oh, okay, right, because it's people pleasing.
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: I want to people please you and you're trying to let go of the control for me, right, but?
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: But I do think that there is, oh, that's a fun dance.
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: I want to make you happy, but also you're just like I trust you, I need you to do it.
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: Um, which makes me happy, it was picking a color guys, it wasn't.
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: But I think you think for me, what I have actually really kind of started picking apart is when I am vulnerable and I ask for help and that person isn't capable of meeting me where I need, like coming to the table.
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: That is is what right now, because I I've done so much homeopathy and I've done so much work around letting people love me.
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: Well, it's still something I'm probably gonna, but it's a conscious choice now, like, oh, thank you, they're trying to love me, right, so?
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: But now this week has been like, oh, that's another layer of the onion that I need to work on, like understanding that I want this person to love me.
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: Well, but they're not capable or they don't have the tools, and kind of owning that and being okay with that, like being vulnerable, that's my responsibility.
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: Them meeting me, you know them giving as much as they can or whatever is not mine to carry.
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: So that's really really important, right, because we sort of started with she's not crazy, she's just been carrying it all right.
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: And so in the beginning it's so hard for us to know what's mine and what somebody else's right.
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: It's so hard to discern is this person withholding from me or are they not able?
• 21:01
  Speaker 3: right, are they?
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: out to get me, or are they under functioning themselves?
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: I don't think we realize how much people's nervous systems really limit their capacity to be the people we believe they can be right.
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: That right, that, like there are a lot of really sick and suffering, limited nervous system affected humans wandering the world, yeah, yeah.
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: And so then, yeah, we carry it all Right.
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: And then, when we start to be willing to let it go, it's like, oh, not everybody can meet me.
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: And then do I take that personally, or do I just love that person for where they are and move on and ask somebody else?
• 21:39
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and it's about your own vibration.
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: Yes, and not internalizing that, not making that oh, I am not good enough.
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: Oh, that just confirmed all my fears, all my things right, because I put myself out there and I you know vulnerable-y something, and that just confirmed that it's my I am the problem, but no, nope, and I think it's about just continuing to find your people.
• 22:11
  Speaker 3: Continuing to find the people that do show up for you and that do make you feel safe and seen.
• 22:15
  Speaker 3: Continuing to find the people that do show up for you and that do make you feel safe and seen, like even now in my life.
• 22:18
  Speaker 3: I the other day I was having a conversation with my partner and he goes well, you need me to do the backyard and I'm like how so, how so?
• 22:28
  Speaker 3: You know?
• 22:28
  Speaker 3: like hyper independent like whatever he's like.
• 22:31
  Speaker 3: Well, I tried to get you to turn on the weed whacker and like you couldn't crank it and I was like I figured it out.
• 22:36
  Speaker 3: I sit out there all day before I would come in here and ask you.
• 22:38
  Speaker 3: But you know what I mean.
• 22:39
  Speaker 3: But it's like and he just laughs because he knows that's how I am.
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: But why?
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: do I have to say that Like?
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: Why do I have to prove that I don't need anybody in this life?
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: Yes, yes, yes, because I do Like I do.
• 23:00
  Speaker 2: Oh, that's super interesting, can we take?
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: it to the really vulnerable place team, like really vulnerable.
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: It's my favorite place to be.
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: Oh shit, what's she about to say?
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: So tiffer, doodle, right, like that's part of the you really leaning in all the way in over here, like letting me depend on you, right, like we.
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: So we, we talk about how I had to work through things to be able to depend on you, but for you to let me depend on you knocks on what wall.
• 23:26
  Speaker 3: Having to trust you fully.
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: Uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh.
• 23:32
  Speaker 3: Especially when it comes to money, and we all know I have an issue with scarcity Uh-huh, and money Uh-huh.
• 23:38
  Speaker 3: I'm a control freak.
• 23:40
  Speaker 3: And I do lots of spreadsheets.
• 23:41
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, and Dawn keeps telling me that it's fucking working against you right now.
• 23:45
  Speaker 3: Your spreadsheets are working against you, yep.
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: Well, because you're a non-specific manifester.
• 23:57
  Speaker 3: For a specific manifester or spreadsheets are great right, yeah, but I manifest feelings more than like.
• 23:59
  Speaker 3: That's what I've learned.
• 24:00
  Speaker 3: It's not details.
• 24:00
  Speaker 3: It's about the feeling that I want to get from the outcome that I need, right, but yeah, for me, yeah, when Dawn's like hey, like step up, I need.
• 24:07
  Speaker 3: Like I had to make a decision.
• 24:08
  Speaker 3: You know, I had to make a decision on do I pursue this or do I pursue that, and I decided I was just going to jump all in with Don, and so that's what we're doing.
• 24:18
  Speaker 3: And there was a moment where I'm like, oh shit, you know what I mean.
• 24:21
  Speaker 3: Like I'm trusting this other person to, like I'm trusting that everything's going to be okay, and like we have it together.
• 24:27
  Speaker 3: And but once I did that, once I let go of that, oh God, it's been beautiful.
• 24:33
  Speaker 3: Like we have just all been running like on all cylinders.
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: That's the thing, right, flow state me trusting you, you trusting me, okay, so joyous right in this thing about being seen and held and safe right To receive.
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: So just this last week, right, I was out and you had a, you had a.
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: Oh, before I left.
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: Right, I had given you a remedy, and so there was this sort of all this beautiful bubbling up that happened from the remedy, right, but, then we needed a follow-up consult because there was some symptoms that came up Right, and they were in the physical realm, because the mind and the body are intrinsically linked Right, and so I'm out of town, but we're working it Right.
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: And I saw you, I saw you and I knew, and I knew, and I knew, I knew, I knew, but you were like no, she can't see.
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: No, she can't, and I said that to you, I was just like.
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: So when you're working on the really deep um and really deep constitutional side of homeopathy, sometimes you get a, um symbolism, like you get a, you get a symptom that comes up so like some people will get like a cold sore in the mouth Right.
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: So it's.
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: It's basically your body's way of purging your energy or whatever.
• 25:39
  Speaker 2: And so I tried.
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: I started this new remedy of generational stuff that I inherited Right and on on.
• 25:48
  Speaker 2: Within 10 minutes, I immediately start feeling physical symptoms and in my head I'm thinking like toxic shock syndrome or like there's kidney stones, like there's something physically wrong with me.
• 26:05
  Speaker 2: That and you were like it's emotional, it's emotional.
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: I'm like, no, it hurts too bad, like there is something physically wrong with me, and I pushed back and I treated what I thought it was and I spent three days in pain because I was determined that Dawn was wrong.
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: This is not emotional, this is physical.
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: I have a kidney stone, I have a thing like something, like something is wrong with me, and I got a little bit better, but I didn't like.
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: Then I started getting worse again and so I I had to grovel to Dawn and be like, okay, I did it my way, and now I'm going to go do it your way, because, because it's like it's emotional, like there's something there, and it was horribly hard for me not to admit that Dawn's right, because she's always right, but like, um, like it was really hard for me to admit that Don's right, because she's always right, but like, um, like, it was horribly hard for me to admit that this was go ahead.
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: It's funny, but it was horribly hard for me to admit that this was emotional because of what that implied and I didn't want to face that.
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: I didn't the the things that my family have done or the things that people who are close to me have done, and I've and I've accepted and I've just taken it and I've just you know whether I didn't know any better or whatever inherited it doesn't matter but like being able to sit with the emotional side of myself and the emotional, yes, and the heart of letting go of control and letting go of me needing to be right or letting go of that bear, the truth that I can bear and I can bear witness to that I'm, I'm working through it and I'm owning, owning it myself.
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: But it's a very hard pill to swallow when you're looking in the mirror or looking back and seeing the emotional side that manifests in physical, because if I, if I'm wrong, that means she's right.
• 28:18
  Speaker 2: But it also means that there is a like, a really darkness in me that I don't want to face.
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: Um, because I like being light and love and I own that.
• 28:37
  Speaker 2: But having that, that piece of me, that darkness that was in me, of a quality that nobody wants, nobody wants to have, that you know, yeah, so like I really just think that from my aspect, it was being able to face myself, face my um, inherited, face, my story, in a light that isn't love and light and it's darkness and it has those qualities that nobody really wants to own.
• 29:11
  Speaker 2: And it's all about integrating those parts and accepting those parts, because I can't become the person that God created me to become with all of this, without facing it, without owning it, without embracing it.
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and that so beautifully said right is, I think, the other secret reason why women carry it all right.
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: It's really cute for us to say we carry it all because no one shows up, but how often is it that we insist on continuing to carry it?
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: We're not in on our own joke.
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: We insist on continuing to carry it, for example, as Tiffany said, because then it meant she was going to have to trust me too.
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: Or your experience was meant you were going to have to face darkness.
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: That was really deeply painful to face, right.
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: And that is what integration does it leads to self-worth, it leads to self-acceptance, and that's where freedom lies, which takes us right into the next segment of the episode, right?
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: Which is how do we find freedom and clarity?
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: And unfortunately, it's through the fucking hard path of facing our shadows, our demons our deepest fears.
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, joy, you and I were on a call with someone this morning who's talking about um joining a different D word, this next right.
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: And and I was like tell me about your concerns.
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: She's like concerns, you know, like almost like there are no concerns, right.
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: And then by the very end of the call, like here came these tears and like okay, here's what my concern would be Right.
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: And it's like that, yes, that right.
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: Whatever the thing is that you're terrified to talk about or to have someone find out or to work through or to acknowledge or to explore, like that's the thing you need a community and a safe place, because that's that's where you find freedom.
• 30:54
  Speaker 1: Freedom comes through releasing the darkest, ugliest parts of ourselves.
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yep, so let's talk a little bit about what our paths to freedom have looked like and why the path to freedom that we offer women is completely different from other paths.
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: We know they've tried, right?
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: Like how many women do we talk to and they're like I have done all the things and I am still stuck, which is so infuriating, right?
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: So what have your experiences been with that, your path to like freedom?
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: You know?
• 31:28
  Speaker 3: For me, there is a distinct difference between the clients I work with who are on homeopathy versus the ones that are not.
• 31:37
  Speaker 3: And for me you know I'm the dissociation queen- that was always my choice.
• 31:44
  Speaker 3: I could shut it down and numb out like no other, so I feel like I did, which is a period.
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: It's like, that's like like um disassociation.
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: Right Is like freedoms dark, twisted sister right.
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: It's like it's like there's freedom like true freedom, right, I can be authentic and integrated and whatever, and then?
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: But before I actually know how to access freedom, disassociation is my version of it, right, yeah?
• 32:10
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah.
• 32:11
  Speaker 3: And I mean don recently put me on a remedy to start integrating all of my parts.
• 32:15
  Speaker 3: And it was funny because the first time that I took the remedy I dissociated right away, right away, within five minutes, and then I lost the bottle in my car and don's like you did that on purpose and I'm like no.
• 32:28
  Speaker 3: I really lost it.
• 32:29
  Speaker 3: So then she sends me another, more potent bottle, and so now I've been taking that and it's like what Joy said, right, like all of these parts integrating, I think, facing the dark parts of your story.
• 32:43
  Speaker 3: You know, I always know when women are on the transcending part of their healing journey, when they can take a step back and look at themselves and see their part in the divorce, their part in their story, and where they're no longer afraid of it, ashamed of it.
• 32:57
  Speaker 3: The homeopathy gets you there so much quicker, and I do feel like that is.
• 33:01
  Speaker 3: The difference in our program is that when you come in from day one, you are already receiving remedies.
• 33:07
  Speaker 3: You are already.
• 33:09
  Speaker 3: We're giving you things to help you not dissociate.
• 33:12
  Speaker 3: We're giving you things to help transcend that healing and while they're not always comfortable, we go very, very deep to make sure that the results that you get at the end of this program are exactly what you came in wanting.
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, the path to freedom is not uh, it's not all rainbows and butterflies, although there's a remedy called rainbow and I you know.
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: I'm happy to give it to you.
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: But we must balance our rainbow remedies with our dark, twisty remedies.
• 33:42
  Speaker 3: Yeah, since for 10 years, you know.
• 33:51
  Speaker 3: So, in that 10 year period of lull where I was single and trying to figure everything out and thinking I was, quote, unquote, healed, I was journaling, I was reading the books, I was you know, doing yoga.
• 33:58
  Speaker 3: I was trying to meditate.
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: That's all great Right.
• 34:01
  Speaker 3: Yes, but I was still learning, yeah, yeah.
• 34:03
  Speaker 3: So what am I doing?
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you were amassing a body of knowledge that then, when you had the key in the lock right, it all integrates.
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: It all jumps into your yeah.
• 34:16
  Speaker 2: Tiffany, I literally said this to my husband this weekend because I was working through not this weekend, this week, it was like two days ago I was working through all this stuff of okay.
• 34:29
  Speaker 2: Now I have to admit it's emotional.
• 34:32
  Speaker 2: Now I have to admit that there is something, and I've had that conversation.
• 34:38
  Speaker 2: I literally said that, like what if this is it?
• 34:42
  Speaker 2: I've done the EMDR, I've done the journaling, I've done this.
• 34:44
  Speaker 2: What if this is the thing that I've needed to face and to accept and to work through homeopathically for me to be able to let this last piece of myself or the last piece of this puzzle go?
• 34:59
  Speaker 2: Like letting it go, because you cannot do it.
• 35:05
  Speaker 3: Yeah, For me it's been this beautiful journey homeopathically where this remedy for me came at the right time, and it's scary because it shows me all of my darkest parts.
• 35:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 35:18
  Speaker 3: And it's like, okay, we're going to accept all of these dark parts and all of these light parts, and then we're going to find a way to blend them beautifully.
• 35:26
  Speaker 2: And.
• 35:26
  Speaker 3: I've noticed changes in my personality.
• 35:28
  Speaker 3: I've noticed changes in the way that I'm showing up for people, that I'm reacting to things, everything about me, since I've been on this remedy.
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: I feel more like myself on this remedy than I have in a very, very long time, because even in my own healing journey, with everything that I've done in the modalities, I still have a tendency to push the bad away and to not embrace the darkness, where now it's like everything is coming together and I can say I can also use this for good and this is part of me and it's fucking amazing it's so interesting hearing your journeys with this integration of darkness, right, and I just think about all those nights I would sit with cluster headaches and I know that they caused a lot of disassociation because the pain was so intense, it's like.
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: But then I got to this point in the journey where I was like, okay, I have to learn how to be with the pain, because I really believed always that it was purposeful, that God wasn't like just smiting me um smote.
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: I wasn't smoting, um.
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: So I was like, okay, this pain is my teacher, I'm going to welcome it in, right, and I would sit with this unbearable pain and I I know that I was still highly dissociated and all the things right but I would sit with the pain and I would sing songs.
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: You guys, if you've heard the podcast episode where I sing songs, right, a lot of things that I've done to heal have come via me learning how to sit with the heaviest pain and that really is the key right To sit with and hold space and have compassion and curiosity and love for the darkest, darkest, heaviest pains and I know our listeners feel heavy.
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: I know they would, you know what they wouldn't give to exchange that heaviness for freedom.
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: But I think, if the three of us are any example, it's like we say we would do anything to exchange heaviness for freedom but like actually we would backpedal a whole lot along the way, because that's what it is to be human right.
• 37:42
  Speaker 1: It's like, yeah, yeah.
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: So to the woman that has asked herself too many times am I crazy?
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: No, I've just been holding it all right now.
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: What do we want her to really carry with her this week, right?
• 37:58
  Speaker 1: What do we want her to place in her heart as she moves through the week and is like I am so tired of this shit.
• 38:07
  Speaker 3: There is a way to get to the other side.
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: Joy's voice said she liked it, but her face said she didn't.
• 38:17
  Speaker 2: No, no, no.
• 38:18
  Speaker 2: I was thinking I was going a different direction and then Tiffany said that and I'm like oh yes, you know, like there is light at the end of the tunnel.
• 38:25
  Speaker 2: I was going in the direction of, like my mind went to you don't have to carry it all.
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: But will you trust us to carry it with you?
• 38:38
  Speaker 2: Will you trust us.
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: To carry it with you.
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, ooh, I think we leave it there.
• 38:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and if not us, then who?
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: And is the who that you select to joy's point, mid, mid role?
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: Right, do they have the capacity?
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: Are you sure?
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: Right?
• 38:59
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because that's what leads to the circle continuing, that where you feel crazy, right is you?
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: They said they would help and then you asked for help and then they didn't help, and then it's like like, well, it must be me, right, right.
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: Okay, at the top of the episode you heard our fun new rollout of our nervous system grief hormone mapping quiz thingy doey.
• 39:21
  Speaker 1: Uh, if you have not taken the quiz yet, if you scroll all the way down to the bottom of the show notes, highly recommend super fun.
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: When you get your quiz results, you get some recommendations of things to do, right, there's a hormone recovery guide that you can download, there's some blog posts and podcast episodes that tie into the quiz results and, of course, there's an opportunity to book a call with us.
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: But we'd love for you to take the quiz and see if it connects some dots for you, right?
• 39:48
  Speaker 1: So, definitely, definitely want to welcome you, to scroll to the bottom of the show notes and to take that bad boy.
• 39:55
  Speaker 1: We love you so much.
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: Peace, dear Divorce Diary is a podcast by MyCoachDawn.
• 40:09
  Speaker 1: You can find more at Mycoachdawncom.